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2000 05

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: LOL!
From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
Date: Thu, 04 May 2000 14:35:24 -0400

Nobody Knows wrote:
>"Viki" <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>> Viki is impressed at the knowledge of the rhodites on the intricacies of the letter "Z".
>I think it is sad.

That's just because you couldn't read it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: [Secret Guy Stuff]
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Tue, 02 May 2000 02:44:08 GMT

It really makes me mad that local building codes require that the rail on my porch is just a bit too high for me to pee over it without standing on a chair.

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Damn that prostate.

From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <e9c6zumball.mwis.net>
You could always come in and modify it after it passed inspection. Or artificially "antique" the wood and claim it was grandfathered in. Or go to alt.sex.trans and ask about where to find 6" stiletto heels in that size 12 it looks like you are likely to wear.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: what is the topic of this news-group?
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 01 May 2000 19:55:01 -0700

infor.WebLife.lu wrote:
>Hi,
>we are in the progress of building a huge database with all the topics (charters) of the newsgroups available for searching by category, region, moderated or no, binaries allowed, for personal use only, and more...
>please let us know the exact topic of your news-group on www.WebLife.lu/NewsGroups.asp
>thank you for your cooperation.
>please do not cry SPAM. We try hard to make the newsgroups more useable.

rec.humor.oracle.d is about discussing The Oracle as humorous recreation, but you'd know that if you read Deja.

Wait no, sorry, that's not right.

It's about eating Oreo Cookies and going to the dentist.

Damn, no that's not it.

It's about seeing you and rising.

No, that's those alt.binaries folks...

It's about 800 posts a day.

A little closer, but no, it needs to be more specific

It's about time.

No. Sorry I'll start again.

It's a man's life in rec.humor.oracle.d.

Oops, sorry, I'll start again...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ask me
From: clemenr.westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)
Date: 2 May 2000 10:45:27 GMT

Screwtape (st.ferd2.thristian.org) wrote:
: Ian schrieb:
: >ask me
: I've always wanted to know - do women *really* act like all the literature says? Or is it all really a big act they only put on when guys are around, and really they like to wear shorts and scratch themselves and drink beer too?

I've heard an urban legend that claimed that a woman once broke wind. But according to the alt.urban-legends FAQ, it was actually a man dressed up in women's clothes.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Miss world :P~
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 04 May 2000 16:01:04 +1000

Sid wrote:
> Thor Thomas aka Kerr Avon <tjthomas.nyx10.nyx.net> wrote:
> > My first reaction on seeing the title of this thread was:
> > "Gee, sometimes I miss the world, too..."
> And then you drool?

No - then you reload...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: The right word for rhod
From: Pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 04 May 2000 09:32:55 -0700

Somebody sent this to me when I told her about the Internet Oracle. I don't know whether to **zot** her or thank her:

> From Dorland's Illustrated Medical Dictionary, 26th edition:
> witzelsucht (vit'sel-zoocht) [Ger.]
> "A mental condition characteristic of frontal lobe lesions and marked by the making of poor jokes and puns and the telling of pointless stories, at which the patient himself is intensely amused."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nobody Loves Me
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 05 May 2000 23:19:52 +1000

Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
> Sara M wrote:
> >Jim Evans wrote:
> >> Sara M wrote:
> >> } You mean I *can't* leap on them from the top of the wardrobe, lash them about a bit with my trusty whip, bash their heads together and send them off to their rooms till they can be nicer to each other?
> >> Oh, of course you can! You just can't be *rude*.
> >So - the leaping *naked* Sumo wrestler idea - I shouldn't go with that?
> Naked is fine, it's encouraged in fact. Just mind your Ps and Qs.

Oh okay - I'll put them in *here*:-

Possums and Quokkas
Are very nice on rolls -
The tourists like them better than
Boiled Potaroos and Quolls.

(Hey - and we've got ravenous scary spiders
That like to hide within our clothes
And sometimes in our beds and shoes -
But we seldom mention those...)

EVIL Goodbye Kitty
A-stray-alien and PROUD!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nobody Loves Me
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 05 May 2000 23:20:42 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
> Sara M schrieb:
> >Screwtape wrote:
> >> I've never completely understood the rationale behind ground-hug day. Silly 'merkins.
> >I expect it's got something to do with them having "Fall" instead of "Autumn" like *real* places have.
> Ahh - so the ground-hugging is to prevent an unwanted fall? I guess that's sane - if overly timid.

It *is* a sensible measure - they have a LOT of bad tree karma up there... Even *killer* trees like the one that got poor Sonny Bono...

Sometimes - well - sometimes they just seem to snap.

Anyway - from what I gather the trees gang up in Autumn and hang around on street corners and parks and places just waiting for an unsuspecting person to walk past - then <WHAP!> - five tons of wet leaves kamikaze down on the poor defenseless victim, knocking them to the ground. Hence "Fall" - and the need for ground hugging I guess...

Hmmm - perhaps 'merkins are not so silly after all.

> >(Gee I hope you have a getaway car out the back)
> All I've got is a moose. Will that do?

No Boris - <thunk> - I said kill *Squirl* - not moose.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nobody Loves Me
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 5 May 2000 10:18:11 -0400

Sara M wrote:
} It *is* a sensible measure - they have a LOT of bad tree karma up there... Even *killer* trees like the one that got poor Sonny Bono...

ITYM "KILLAH TRAYS".

JIM, ooh, thar's an ayspen.. ain't she a byooty? That there's a DIDDLY TRAY. Ah'll just stick me hand up in the branches an' get 'er ta show us 'er layfs...


Date: 5 May 2000 11:44:41 GMT
Subject: Re: Book Recommendations
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d

Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
} Screwtape wrote:
} > Sara M schrieb:
} >>I see you've been thinking what *I've* been thinking B1...
} >I think I am, B2.
} >Screwtape,
} >...it's Confuse The Non-Strines Time!
} Not at all. We get the Bananananananas in Pajamas over here. In fact, Hippie is trying to find a 4" or less B1 or B2 doll. Of course Hippie is also nuts over half of the Sanrio collection.

That's what the world needs. A Banana in Pyjamas hand massager.

JIM, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1?" "I think so, B2! Time to explore the dark wet cave!" "We'll have to watch out for earthquakes this time, B1!"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nobody Loves Me
From: usenet.culmer.org.uk (Noam Chomsky)
Date: Fri, 05 May 2000 16:47:14 GMT

Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
>Naked is fine, it's encouraged in fact. Just mind your Ps and Qs.

Oh, is this the Q for having a P?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: grrrrr...
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe])
Date: Sun, 07 May 2000 06:50:38 GMT

I will not buy this GW De Lacey, it is scratched.
>My hovercraft (the "Paul") wrote:

Wouldn't that work better as: 'My hovercraft is full of Pauls' ?

Guess I'll have to be creative when I get fed up with my atrib line...
What are Teh odds that 'Drop your panties, Sir GW De Lacey; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime' is taken?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A new Incarnation joins the crowd
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 08 May 2000 08:31:12 +1000

Wikkit wrote:
> >-So I've finally Incarnated. In a way, I feel as if I finally belong.
> >-Chris W., glowing just a little
> No, you're just some freak who wastes time talking to people he doesn't know until you get digested, and if you don't get digested on your first try, you must beat yourself with a brass hammer.
> Even if you do get digested, you aren't allowed to glow until you find out yours made the best-of.

I'm sure Wikkit was joking, but in case someone takes this seriously, I would just like to point out that this is completely incorrect. The Oracle has always been a one-to-one humor service. Your job is to amuse exactly two people: yourself, and the other person involved in that particular oracularity. Writing a masterful question or answer should be sufficient reason for the "glow." Digestion of any sort is always nice, but as a priest I'm the first to admit that it's not a fair system. So, if you miss out it doesn't mean it was not good work, it simply means that an individual priest did not find it ible to ris. The Oracle is a benevolent dictatorship, not a democracy. Never forget that, or else.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: fortune cookie
From: "Lord Insidious, World Dominator" <yvrorezn.voicenet.com>
Date: Mon, 08 May 2000 22:49:22 GMT

Billy Phred! wrote:
>My favorite was one I got when we were in New York. It said "You will bring great happiness to millions."

And since you subsequently *left* New York, it was obviously accurate.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: H H ELP!!
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 09 May 2000 10:02:51 -0500

GW De Lacey wrote:
> Sara M wrote:
> >Hey - do you ever *lie* to tourists - like make up "true blue" Aussie phrases to teach them, or tell them fibs about our vicious native wildlife?
> >"Butter me arse with a feather" - poor pets...<giggle>...
> >"Toxic Wattle"... Killer bush ants... Dingoes attracted to the smell of Aerogard...
> Oh yes constantly. 'Sharkaroos', Hoop Snakes, Minmin lights, killer mossies, drop bears, sickle toothed stabbadaggas, crocasnakes.

Hmmm. There seems to be a new addition to the list since the last time it was posted. Or maybe I'm just being jumpy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Hear ye This!
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 00:54:37 +1000

Whosoever shall bravely goeth out into the darkness of the night to venture to the local olde corner shoppe and fetcheth forth the milk of much neccessity in Sara's coffee shall claim for their prize the hand of the fair wench Viki.

And maybe a foot if you picketh up some microwave popping corn while you're there as well...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hear ye This!
From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 13:21:26 -0400

Sid wrote:
>Viki <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>> attending class.
>Class? What's that?

If you had any, you'd know.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting Numbers
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 9 May 2000 17:50:27 GMT

Freyja <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> said:
>Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>| Freyja wrote:
>| > GW De Lacey <gdelacey.bigpond.com> wrote:
>| > | Freyja wrote:
>| > | >| Oh are they? Tsk - *good* girls should NOT be floating around strange gentlemen's heart-shaped spas then.
>| > | >Well, so much for hanging around male rhodites...
>| > | So they remain *good* by hanging around with female rhodites?
>| > They get *better*.
>| Even Lepers?
>The men don't get better, the women do. <G>

Just be careful--"getting a piece of ass" DNMWYTIM.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies collect souvenirs


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting Numbers
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 09:18:46 +1000

Dave Hemming wrote:
> st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
> >Sara M schrieb:
> >>> A power drill, a cold chisel, a hammer, and a male to female reducing coupling, if you must know.
> >>This last item makes my boggle mind.
> >Sorry, I just can't do it. I can't possibly lower myself to making the incredibly obvious joke just primed and ready, sitting there in front of me. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, and the armament in question is a rocket launcher! Where's the *challenge*?
> The object is not to catch the fish, but to get to use the rocket launcher.

Yeah - but what if you don't like fish? What if you preferred *human*?

<waves newly acquired rocket launcher menacingly>

Okay - into the barrel - <jab> - NOW.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: php
From: Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com>
Date: Tue, 09 May 2000 14:24:47 -0400

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>Viki <thevidts.stargate.net> said:
>>Viki
>> not too hard at 9 am
>I am.
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like to boink before bed

When they're banging their little fishy heads on the aquarium glass, I think they're trying to tell you something.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: php
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 9 May 2000 19:24:48 -0500

Teh [tie:poe] wrote:
} Al Sharka wrote:
} >Viki wrote:
} >> Daniel E. Macks wrote
} >> > Viki said:
} >> > > not too hard at 9 am
} >> > I am.
} >> Yeah, well, doesn't that go away once you hit the loo?
} >It's impossible to hit the loo until that goes away.
} You, my dear man, have obviously never mastered Teh fine art of one handed handstands!

I shudder to contemplate the consequences of performing micturition from that position.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: My First Golf Lesson
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 9 May 2000 18:31:01 -0400

CHOOSE YOUR OWN JIM POST

To reply to this post go to line 1. Otherwise, move on to the next post.

Line 1:
Freyja wrote:
} Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
} | John Dougherty wrote...
} | >If you're serious about musically torturing somebody , just check your library for a cd of Bartok piano concertos. They can actually cause insanity.
} | Hey! I *play* piano concertos by Bartok! Just whaddya tryin' to....
} I've sung folk song arrangements by Bartok.

So many possibilities! Do you respond:

(a) I'm having Bartok's baby.
(b) Wasn't Joel Furr once elected Bartok?
(c) I am not James Bartok.

If you chose (a), go to line 2.
If you chose (b), go to line 3.
If you chose (c), go to line 4.

Line 2:
Strangely, you don't know what to say after such a comment. A first for you! You sign the post and do not include a tagline.

JIM

Not one of your better posts. You have 15 Rhodpoints. To play again, return to line 1; or, move on to the next post.

Line 3:

} When I hear Puff Daddy turned into Muzak, *that* will be a sign of Ragnarok.

(a) Puff Daddy *is* Muzak.
(b) snip this line and sign off.

If you chose (a), go to line 5.
If you chose (b), go to line 6.

Line 4:

} When I hear Puff Daddy turned into Muzak, *that* will be a sign of Ragnarok.

(a) Puff Daddy *is* Muzak.
(b) snip this line and sign off.

If you chose (a), go to line 5.
If you chose (b), go to line 7.

Line 5:

Good one, troll boy! Now you need an appropriate tagline. Do you choose:

(a) no tag line: JIM
(b) JIM, sampling is for pansies
(c) JIM, still better than Bartok, though

If you chose (a), go to line 8.
If you chose (b), go to line 9.
If you chose (c), go to line 10.

Line 6:
You sign the post and do not include a tagline.

JIM

The response is deafening in its absence. Everyone's tired of your Joel Furr jokes, and nobody found them funny in the first place. You have 1 Rhodpoint. To play again, return to line 1; or, move on to the next post.

Line 7:
A witty and topical remark! Now all you need is an appropriate tagline. But wait! Something else comes to mind... What do you do?

(a) sign it -- JIM, I'm not Billy Phred! either.
(b) go with the new idea.

If you chose (a) go to line 11.
If you chose (b) go to line 12.

Line 8:
Oh, really should have included a tagline. Too late now; you've already hit "send". You have 27 Rhodpoints. To play again, return to line 1; or, move on to the next post.

Line 9:
Continuing with the trolling theme. Prepare those snappy comebacks, you'll need'em! You have 35 Rhodpoints. To play again, return to line 1; or, move on to the next post.

Line 10:
What's that supposed to mean? You wouldn't know Bartok if he really DID father your baby. Another good post lessened by the wrong tagline. You have 23 Rhodpoints. To play again, return to line 1; or, move on to the next post.

Line 11:
The capper! Critical acclaim all around! A good solid post. You have 45 Rhodpoints. To play again, return to line 1; or, move on to the next post.

Line 12:
The muse calls - temporary madness takes over. You stretch the damn thing out into some kind of "Choose Your Own Adventure" parody, wasting valuable creative energy that could have been used incarnating or on that episode of Hydrogen Guy that's two days overdue. You sign it

JIM

, feeling that such a masterpiece needs no further comment. The assembled rhoddites shake their heads and wonder. You have –5 Rhodpoints. To play again, return to line 1; or, get off the damn computer and make dinner.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I love you
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 01:39:30 +1000

Sara M schrieb:
>Just keep out of my underwear drawers Viki - you stretched the hell out of all my bras last time. 8(

Sorry - that was me.

It's just that I've always wanted a double-barrel slingshot...

Screwtape,
...who promises to specially mark those of his posts which actually contain non-recycled content.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I love you
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 08:47:56 -0700

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>Screwtape wrote:
>> : )
>Ummm - it's a fruit bowl with two cherries?

Nope, electric boomerang.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I love you
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 14:24:15 +1000

Jim Evans wrote:
> Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
> } Freyja wrote:
> } >Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
> } >| Freyja wrote:
> } >| >Done it over the counter...
> } >| Done it under the counter...
> } >Done it on the sink...
> } Done it in the treehouse...
> I have done it in a house,
> I have done it with a mouse,
> I have done it in a box,
> I have done it with a fox,
> I like to do it, Ed the Fourth,
> I like to do Green Eggs and.. Pork

Oh yeah?

Well I've had sex with lions
On the banks of the River Nile -
Dallied long with walruses -
By golly I made them smile.
Thrust my sword once in a gourd
Held up by a big baboon.
Even tried a rocket once
As it whizzed around the moon.

I've had sex in many places -
Sampled most of Earth's fair breed.
I've loved them and embraced them -
Been generous with my seed.
I've shared my favours with a smelt -
(A most apt name I always felt);
Enjoyed the wonders of a horse -
But trucks are better - much - of course.

I've had sex with randy pigeons
On a Parisian windowsill.
All that lovely cooing -
Ohh I can hear it still.
I've had a strumpet whale of wonder -
Well - more than one of those.
Even had my share of luck
With a dozen Eskimos.

I've had sex with drunken dragons -
Had sex in crypts and cars -
Had sex all over the galaxy
By the light of the glittering stars.
And very nice the sex was - very nice indeed -
But it always left me wanting more -
Never quite met my need.

Because you see I've been rather spoiled -
I've tasted love with the tentacled.
I've twisted deep with Old Ones dear -
Front back and centre - ear to ear.

I've had Lust-Shoggoths lick my throat -
I've mated oft with the Grand black Goat.
And Shub has claimed me once or twice -
The closest *I've* come to Paradise.

Yes - I've tried most things - sometimes one by one...
And all were worth it (yes - *even* that nun)
But nothing compares, when all's said and done -
With deep tentacle-love, 'cos ooh it *does* make me...

Ummm...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oh RHOD-o-dendrons most wise, please tell me...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 01:55:32 +1000

Sara M schrieb:
>I've got the bunny ears, strapless leotard and little fluffy tail...

Your DNA isn't 100% Original Human, now, is it?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 09:34:18 -0700

latebird.usa.net (Wikkit) wrote:
>Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>>- JIM, mind | keyboard > gutter
>How do you get your mind through your keyboard?

It's a strain.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Traffic
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 17:06:10 -0700

"Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>Sucks

No, but you are close.

Traffic can exert a strange attractor force. This is why thousands of cars back up for no apparent reason then speed off at high rates of speed once the area of "traffic" ends. It also seems to be strangely attracted to damn near anything including a dog licking himself on the side of the highway.

There is also great speculation that the "Traffic Reports" (which never cover the backup you are either currently in or will be in soon) are a form of gambling among traffic "reporters". It works as follows.

A traffic reporter will state "There's a mile long backup on 101 near Shoreline". People who happen to actually be on 101 near Shoreline will immediately slow and/or lock'em'up in the hopes of actually seeing the reported accident (these individuals are convinced that each and every accident will involve at least several dismembered body parts sprayed across the pavement in attractive patterns, and that said individuals will undoubtedly be contacted by CNN to report on what they saw).

This then chain reacts into an actual (albeit artificially produced) "traffic". If the "reported" incident actually becomes reality in less than two minutes, the "reporter" gets 10 points. If it becomes a major incident, 20 points. If it's featured in competitor's reports, 50.

Lowest score buys first round.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DSL Woohoo!
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <e9c6zumball.mwis.net>
Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 23:52:52 -0700

Nobody Knows wrote:
>Ricochet ROCKS!

You fling a large piece of granite to the east and hear a "Chunk!" sound, followed by another.
The large piece of granite, with a few scratches from bouncing off the cliff face, comes back at you, striking you in the temple.

You are now dead.
You have earned 0 points out of a total possible 14,539
Would you like to play again?
[Y]es [N]o [L]ater [A]re you out of your mind?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: My Grand New Plan
From: El Choco Diablo <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 20 May 2000 21:01:34 -0400

Viki wrote:
} El Choco Diablo wrote:
} > Nobody Knows wrote:
} > } It's going to cost me $200 to see your whims!? Those must be some incredible whims you got there...
} > ITYM "quims"
} *whoosh* not in M-W dictionary, either.

From "The Superior Person's Book of Words" by Peter Bowler, which every rhoddite should have nestled next to "The Meaning of Liff" on their bookshelves...

QUIM n. The private parts of a woman (an 18th century usage, possibly derived from 'queme', an obsolete word meaning "pleasant, snug"). "Ah, women," you muse out loud, in the middle of your sister's bridal shower. "I love them, for all their quims and fancies." Alternatively, when you come upon your beloved apparently lost in reverie, you cry jovially: "A merkin [q.v.] for your quim, my dear!" She assumes you to be using an esoteric variant of "a penny for your thoughts," and opens her heart to you.

An very sensible book.

ECD


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: My Grand New Plan
From: "Viki" <thevidts.stargate.net>
Date: Mon, 22 May 2000 14:20:49 -0400

And Spits by Ground <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
> Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
> >Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >>Henriette Kress wrote:
> >>> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >>> >Screwtape wrote:
> >>> >> RHOD meets the OED: The tragic untold story.
> >>> >...of a man named "Brady", who was bringing up three very lovely....<arrrghtrottlestrangle>...
> >>> ...which, with their green feet and black wings, were very lovely indeed...
> >>...but unfortunately he was a particularly dull-witted, stupid farmer and somehow managed to get tricked into swapping them for a handful of magic...
> >...bellybuttons. Now he could disguise all of his androids...
> ...as Teletubbies, which would come in handy when he unleashed his plan to take over the...

local Burger King where the whoppers were *really* used for


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: My Grand New Plan
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 23:43:14 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
> Sara M schrieb:
> >Jim Evans wrote:
> >> Don't worry, he comes with other appendages too.
> >What - all at the same time...? Pass me that umbrella.
> ...and that's *worse*.

No no - I meant just *hand* it to me...

(now *that's* worse <g>)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I've got a crazy guy
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 22 May 2000 20:04:12 -0700

"Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>"Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
>> Nobody Knows <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>> | "TechnoAtheist" <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>> | > "Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>> | > >"Viki" <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>> | > >> Nobody Knows <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote
>> | > >> > Wait the fire alarms in here just went off, I must be leaving.
>> | > >> Did your incendiary personality start something, DMP?
>> | > >Actually some doofus decided to cut a raised floor tile in the server room. These things are thick steel and Formica. It just produced a hell of a lot of smoke. Dumb-ass...
>> | > ... and he wasn't engulfed in a cloud of puffy halon? What kind of fire system do you have? I've had one of those systems misfire while I was in the room. It's not pleasant.
>> | Halon is now illegal (some crap about the environment) we just built this place so we have a water suppression system, it is armed at first smoke/alarm it doesn't kick in until heat reaches one of the sprinkler heads...
>> There are other suppression systems that use arcane new chemicals instead of Halon.
>Yes indeed, our new office in San Jose will use one, I was told what the chemical was, but it was the first time I had ever heard of it, so it really didn't register...

Hydrogen.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I've got a crazy guy
From: Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Thu, 25 May 2000 06:33:39 GMT

Wikkit said:
; I have some powdered water, but I don't know what to put in it.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Strip Mall
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Date: Sat, 20 May 2000 11:21:52 +1000

'Nobody Knows' wrote:
>I went to a strip mall today and everyone else had their clothes on.
>I tried to explain to the police, that they shouldn't name them like that if we weren't suppose to take them seriously.
>Oh well. Hope I make bail soon...

If not I'll send you a file with a cake in it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Making RHOD Safe for Users
From: "Scott Draper" <sctidr.hotmail.com>
Date: Mon, 22 May 2000 20:26:46 -0400

Hello all,

After an intensive long weekend, we here at the JIM Interactive Project have finally elimanted all traces of the "El Choco Diablo" virus. Things should be start getting back to normal soon.

We still don't know where the virus came from, although we suspect a disgruntled group of tribesman from the Oola Palo Hills area.

We hope that the virus has not spread to any other bots. There are few precautions that other groups and/or human users may want to take:

  • delete any "ECD" posts you may have lingering on your server. Most of them weren't funny anyway.
  • wrap your network in tinfoil. Our TCP/IP guru Dave has proven without a doubt that this works. Of course Dave's been wrapping everything in tinfoil including himself for years, but this time we think he's on to something.
  • watch for signs of infection/reinfection in your or other 'bots. Signs include repeated use of the words "chocolatey" or "chocoliscious", THWAP-ing of posters with odd one syllable names, and inappropriate references to Prince.
  • don't leave plates of uncovered catfood lying on the kitchen counter. This has nothing to do with the 'bot, it's just plain gross.
  • inspect any RHOD-related files on your network or hard-disk for damage. We're pretty sure that the virus was harmless, but Phil insists that it replaced his annual report with 2 Gb of homoerotic porn. Whatever.

That's it. Remember, kids, predator-raptor safely!

Cheers,
Scott
--
Scott Draper
Programmer, JIM Interactive Project
"Making Usenet Safer, One 'Bot at a Time"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A memo
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (And Spits by Ground)
Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 17:18:05 GMT

"Viki" <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>Ah! A smart man! I thought that was an oxymoron?

Yep. Right up there with "honest woman."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: delurk
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Thu, 25 May 2000 08:06:16 -0700

"Nol Smi" <nol_smi.yahoo.com> wrote:
>I'd love to delurk but the frickin' firewall won't let me post from the office where I have time to read rhod. Therefore, please take a moment and snicker, laugh, and have a group chortle on my behalf.
>Cheers,
>Nol "sleepy" Smi

<forlorn flute and harp music>

<fade up to image of Nol sitting destitute in his darkened cube staring with big sad eyes at the camera. His face is light only by the monitor. Documents and books are piled around him>

Offscreen: We take for granted what he cannot have.

<cut to Sally Field standing in an office hall. Cubicles stretch behind her.>

Every day thousands of these poor helpless souls, like Nol, are left wanting. Forced to desperate need by a cruel totalitarianism who demand that these people actually perform work while on their jobs.

<cut to Nol typing away, his head stooped, his heart is just not in it>

Every day, sometimes for eight hours, people like Nol toil away without the simple pleasures of USENET. The pressures of finding other ways to slack is tremendous.

<cut back to Sally>

But now you can help. For mere keystrokes a day, you can help children like Nol shirk the responsibilities of a steady job. Yes, you *can* help. Send your posts to rhod full of happy thoughts like:

<turns towards Nol's cube, cups hands around mouth and shouts>
Ha, ha! We can post but you can't! Neener!

<cut to interior of Nol's cube. He looks even more distraught>
Sally <distant, taunting in sing-song>: We blow time like tissue, and you have to work.

<Cut to Nol putting his head on his keyboard sobbing softly>
Sally: Ooh! Who's the top Spodder of Rhod? NOT NOL!

<cut back to Sally, straightening out her jacket>
Won't you do your part? If not for yourself, do it to Nol...

<cut back to Nol, now curled up in his chair sucking his thumb, occasionally whimpering>
Sally: ...because he asked us to.

<bring up music again and fade out>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cartoon haiku
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (And Spits by Ground)
Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 00:26:21 GMT

Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> wrote:
>Somehow got the idea tonight to write haiku about well known cartoons. Here's what I've got so far, in chronological order for no particular reason. Anyone got any others?
>
>Roadrunner goes fast.
>Coyote tries to keep up.
>Don't buy from Acme.
>
>Hey, Rocky! Watch me
>pull a rabbit from my hat!
>That trick never works.
>
>Property owners
>masquerade as angry ghosts.
>Darn those meddling kids!
>
>Simpleminded folks
>With bizarrely colored skin
>Live their strange lives. D'oh!
>
>Small kids with foul mouths.
>"Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
>You bastards!" they cry.

Bruce Wayne won't go down.
Holy frustration, Batman!
Robin has blue eggs.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To the point...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 30 May 2000 10:59:46 -0400

Sara M wrote:
} Is it just me or *is* there a link to be drawn between the anniversary of the first conquering of Everest and the anniversary of the date of the invention of the first brassiere?
} Hmmm...

%%
Climb every mountain...
%%

JIM, whose hills are alive with the sound of music


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: From the vaults...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 01:38:00 +1000

I have nothing to say.
And nothing with which to say it.
Yet still I have a yen to speak
And I fear I must obey it.

I used to have a mouth you see -
Lips, tongue, my teeth so white.
But I swapped it all for a night of love -
Hello-Kitty by candle-light.

The scene was set, the bed was made,
I bathed and brushed my hair,
At half past eight, as pre-arranged,
Came the knock and She was there.

All went well, at first at least,
As we slowly started to thaw.
We danced real close, all cheek by jowl
And she let me hold her paw.

Then she gave me a squeeze and I dropped to my knees,
And I gathered her close near to me.
As I put from my mind that riddly-rhyme
Of just *how* a mouthless cat drinks tea.

Instead I took her to bed - yes - that's what I said,
Where I loved her long and slow.
Right through the night we scaled Mount Delight,
Til it was time for my Kitty to go.

Asleep in my bed I didn't see her leave -
I don't know if she went north or south.
I just awoke later on and saw that she'd gone -
Saw she'd taken my wallet and mouth.

So that then is my tale, my story of woe -
Not spoken - just plain typed instead.
Please - listen full well - avoid living my hell -
DON'T take mouthless cats to your bed!

EVIL Goodbye Kitty,
of course


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey, Alison!
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 30 May 2000 14:30:49 -0500

And Spits by Ground wrote:
> Jason wrote:
> >Jim Evans wrote:
> >> Screwtape declared:
> >> } I'll taunt certain first-year computer scientists in particular and Arts students in general!
> >> Since when is computer science an... Art...
> >Computer science most certainly *is* an art. It relies on intuition and empathy, plus a smattering of magic.
> Don't forget the occasional need to sacrifice a virgin chicken.

Oh my $DEITY! Virgin!? Now you tell me.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: archives?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/05/18

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>Daniel E. Macks declared:
>} Matthew Hall <matt.stsomewhere.com> said:
>} >Is there an Oracle archives website?
>} dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder what one would find at http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/
>That's today. For yesterday, see http://www2.wmin.ac.uk/clemenr/ORACLE/search.html

If he wanted to find yesterday, wouldn't you think he'd've asked us the day before?

> JIM, for the Oracle of Tomorrow(tm) see http://internet.oracle.kz/

So it's not working because it's still today?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if there are banner ads for Slurm



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