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2000 10 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Request for strange photos
From: richardfitzpatrick.my-deja.com
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2000 22:22:19 GMT

Garth Dighton wrote:
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> >At least now someone can help me help DMP and others with things like 'perineum' when they need it.
> I'm sure DMP knows all about perinea.

I'm sure he does. But it took him a while to find out what they were called.

He could have been trolling.

Nah.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Request for strange photos
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sun, 22 Oct 2000 13:07:04 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>Garth Dighton wrote:
>> lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com (Freyja) wrote:
>> >He only uses the full name formally. Trivia: who remembers which member of the family was proud of being a Davis twice over - birth and marriage?
>> Ludmilla, of course.
>Eh, big deal. I did that too.

Your maiden name was also Davis? Golly, what're the odds on THAT?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I made it (no thanks to the mounties)
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2000 21:16:14 +1000

'Cici in Texas' wrote:
> GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com> wrote:
>> 'Carol' wrote:
>>>What, you're betting that it WAS Paul Newman?
>>>Show yer openers, stranger.
>>That will teach me to read carefully before opening mouth :)
>>OK Cici in Texas, how do you want me to send the two sheep stations (ranches) and one coal mine?
>Oh, never mind about sending them here -- especially not the coal mine! I'll just gather up the cats and kids and fly down to take possession myself. (I can pick up good shepherd dogs once I'm there, can't I?) That way, you won't have to pay shipping charges, you'll just have to buy plane tickets for me and mine. MUCH cheaper!

No problem.
Actually you'll be pleased to know that I've managed to get some *real* cheap tickets from my pilot friend Joe "Crash" Turner. He's just got his license back. He denies that it was a stall turn, and in fact he says that it would have been an Immelmann if the stupid rudder hadn't got caught in his boot lace. Anyway, he's really landed on his feet, so to speak. After his dismissal from QANTAS, he managed to buy a very cheap 707 in Cuba, and intends to charter it here in Australia.

The upshot is that he is sure that Texas is not far from Cuba, and he would be happy to drop in and pick you and yours up, and bring you to Aus.

He said not to worry too much about the smoke coming from the port engine. He says these things fly quite well on one engine –apart from take off and landing, and he's sure the dicky port has at least three of those left.

Anyway, if^Wwhen you arrive I'll be waiting in the old truck. The properties are in the desert a bit, but this is the dry season so we should be able to make it in a week or so - if those pesky dust storms don't bog us down for a fortnight like they dig this time last year. I'll bring a case of dried meat, it's better to be sure than to starve to death in a truck with a dusted out engine.

The foreman assures me that the homesteads are free of snakes for the time being - at least that's what I think he said - he sounded drunk when I spoke to him on the Flying Doctor radio. So. I look froward to seeing you, Cici in Texas

>Cici in Straya, that has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Yes, and I'm certain you will enjoy yourself on your new property. I here that Telstra intends hooking them up to the satellite network in about ten years or so. That will be really good –these fortnightly RFDF scheds are a bitch.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 21 Oct 2000 17:10:05 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.webone.com.au> said:
>Daniel E. Macks wrote ...
>> ossipewsk said:
>>>Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>>> <muse>
>>>> Fourier-transform some pr0n, ping-storm seti.home to death, and then spoof its IP. Congratulations! You have just gotten someone in a cube-farm somewhere fired for what the SETI.Home saver was displaying when the PHB walked by.
>>>> </muse>
>>>Wow. I can understand it, if not follow the details (hey, I'm a manager). Excellent. Could you *really* do that?
>>Only if you've got some *seriously* misconfigured routers (or are on the same router as the victim).
>Victim being seti.home or the ex-cube-farmer?

ecf.

Akshully, as long as one controls the routers, may as well just unplug the outbound side and declare yourself to be whatever host/ip ya want.

<rant> We actually have to do that here on a regular basis in order to configure some network devices. I wouldn't want to get too specific and name the specific company that requires this, but they begin with an "H" and end with "ewlett Packard". </rant>

dan


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I need your help
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2000 14:55:43 -0700

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>Gordol wrote:
>> Are you saying that they're trying to get rid of her? She wasn't the one supposedly nude behind the giant boom box, was she? (I caught a little of Regis one morning while my car was being serviced.)
>Suddenly I have an image of your Yugo in a paddock being eyed off by a muscle-bound 4WD.
>Ian.

A model year from now, there's a new mini pickup that's horn honks constantly at everything and drives viciously at 18 Wheelers.

Now there's an image I can quite go without, thankyouverymuch.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Was it just me...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2000 22:29:50 -0400

Comrade Al Sharka wrote:
> TimC wrote:
> } Doesn't Tim Chew have initials of TWC? If so, that even means there are two TWC's here as well :) This is almost worse than my room at uni (3 Tims, of which Screwtape is one,
> Sniffle. No ST. No Lars. No Kenneth. No Nils. No Matt. No Corran. Where have all the flowers gone? Gone to females, every one. When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?

Don't worry, Al, you'll always have me.

Oh. Er, right, I see...

> } and 6 Michaels, out of a possible 12 people) Me thinks the random number generator was kaput back when we was born.
> Mind if we call you all Bruce to keep things straight?
> Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you.

Not once during the Olympics did I see an Australian named Bruce on the telly. I was sorely disappointed.

JIM, who always makes a point of saying "eh" for the tourists


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: If you get a chance...
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2000 06:55:52 +1000

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti think Louise Sauvage is just the ant's pants.

She's really short with several extra legs?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yay JIM!
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sun, 22 Oct 2000 05:25:38 GMT

Sid <sid.00.usa.net> wrote:
> The Big Bald Guy wrote:
>> Do you honestly think an anatomically correct action figure of Viki would sell better than one that had breasts that would be, in proportion, roughly the size of a Winnebego?
>> The RKM figure will, of course, have blinking lights and spring-loaded missiles and a dozen high-priced, sold-seperately accessories.
>They are HERE!! Collect all the RHOD Collectibles today! Available at a toy store near you! Here's some info about your favourite ones!
>JIM: Robot that cracks a joke every time you pull its ear. Comes with a map of Canada and a maple leaf. Companion - Black Horse [1] (sold separately).
>Viki: Blond and beautiful. Comes with gold bikini and red lipstick. Companions - TA and Sid (sold seperately)
>Steve-O: Blinking lights, spring-loaded rockets, enuff said. Dissectable Ted Kennedy sold separately.

Ian Davis: Pull the string and he talks funny! Comes with khaki shirt and shorts, and a white lab coat. Stethoscope and chest freezer sold separately.

Jeffrey Kaplan: Pull the string and another toy accross the room says something eerily appropriate to the conversation! Comes with a complete set of unpopular Babylon Five action figures.

Henriette Kress: The only Finnish toy you'll ever need! Accessories include a list of JIM quotations and a baggie full of "herbs." *ahem*

Dumpcarat: So many accessories you can hardly see the action figure! The first anatomically correct doll that isn't anatomically correct! Cooler sold separately.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Gol' Darn Frickin' Mother Blippin"!!!!!!!!!!
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 22 Oct 2000 16:11:26 +1000

Fierce Cookie wrote:
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> >Ouch. Didn't even try to make it funny.
> > JIM, %%We are the Priests of the Temple of Orrie%%
> %There is unrest in the Temple
> There is trouble with the Priests%
All has gone to rack and ruin
Since Lisa's girth increased?

Very big she is now -
Very large indeed.
Is that a baby whale she's having -
Or has she just gone to seed?

Too many choccies has she eaten-
Too many pounds has she put on -
No wonder Delphi's crumbling
And half the priests have gone...

Time to cast around I think,
And choose a new goddess -
One that at least *looks* the part
And splits not from her dress.

<puts up Anti-ZOT shield>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Say that again?
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000 07:23:08 +1000

Robot Karate Man wrote:
> I think it's just the accent. Any guy with a foreign accent is hot, apparently, no matter how ugly.

Scary too, apparently:

Transcript of an actual conversation I had one night in Pittsburgh:

Phone: [ring] [ring]
Me: "Hello?"
Same stupid voice that had already called *five* times that night and also during the preceding week, asking for someone who had not lived there for at least two years and probably much longer, but whose dealer's phone number clearly was similar to ours: "Moya dere?"
Me (finally losing patience after having clearly explained this each and every time previously: "Stone the bloody crows, mate, you know you've called all the way to Australia?"
Phone: [click]

And we never heard from them again.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bye bye Deja
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000 04:43:39 GMT

Fierce Cookie said:
; Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
; >Deja.com is up for sale.
; To the stupidest bidder.

You mean someone put it on eBay?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just a Quickie
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000 19:58:47 GMT

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> Also Sprach Fierce Cookie:
> > Does this mean you're going to stick around? I've [whimper] missed you soooooo muuuuuuch!
> You're a sweetie, but my life has taken an interesting turn such that I'm living and breathing Data Mining at the moment. Trying to establish a one billion (US) record database of power station

That's 1.5 billion Canadian.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Protect yourself and your computer get Evidence Eliminator
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 12:55:09 -0700

"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> Merlin <merlin.exoticambrosia.com> said:
> > When you access the Internet, your computer keeps permanent hidden records of your activity for months or years, including web sites visited, documents, pictures, videos and sounds. This is a serious threat to the legitimate surfer's privacy.
> How is keeping personal information on one's personal computer a threat to privacy?

Because then -you- might know where -you- have gone! And if you get that information about yourself, there's just no telling what you might blackmail you with! Quickly, subvert yourself now while there's still time! Look out! You're behind you!

> > Evidence Eliminator is a solution to this problem.

Also known as the delete function for most (if not all) computers.
Linux deletion is especially nice, though...

> Whassit do, broadcast my history.db to everyone in my addressbook?
> > It analyzes and protects your whole hard drive and defeats all known Forensic Analysis Software.

A good solid EMP will do the same.

> I care? I am root...I fear no-one.

Yay Enoch Root!

Whoops!

Don't mind me; I'll just get my cryptnomicon...

> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are the master of the clickety-click

--
pieceoftheuniverse - when you can take the mouse away from my hand, -then- will you be ready.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Request: That ol' "traveling salesman" Playboy-joke (anyone?)
From: "Ool" <ulrich.schreglmann.t-online.de>
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 00:19:51 +0200

"Robot Karate Man" <Killroy.steveo.cjb.net>:
> Ool wrote
> >Geez, that almost out-sarcasm'd the reply I got to that very same request for the joke in alt.religion.kibology. But not the ones in alt.games.diablo and comp.lang.perl.misc, which were just plain rude, not witty.
> You're a strange, strange person, Ool. Aside from borrowing words from "Caveman" (cool flick, Ringo Starr, Dennis Quaid), you post a message

And I still haven't seen that one. Recently I've learned, however, that "Ool" supposedly means "food" in it.

> that seems almost like SPAM (in fact it has many of the same colorations) but is of another genus entirely. Then you cross-post said pseudo-spam, which you freely admit. But then come back and read the replies, which no spammer ever does.

I posted it to a few humor groups, but none of the unrelated ones I mentioned above. That was meant to be amusing embellishment.

> Yes, I am certainly confused over this one.

Then you're possibly just about ready for the GRAND NEW WAY I've discovered of MAKING MONEY WHILE SURFING THE WEB!!! YES, YOU CAN TOO...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1188-04?
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 25 Oct 2000 17:00:08 GMT

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> said:
>There's certainly never any shortage of MIMEs to torment.

I always keep a few stashed in an invisible glass box "just in case". I keep a sledgehammer next to 'em, and there's a sign that reads "in case of emergency, break glass". Now I'm just waiting for a suitable emergency so I can start wallopping the annoying bastards.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will chart their responses on a mimeograph


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: greetings old friends
From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 11:41:15 -0400

Erik Mooney wrote:
>>> Carla Miriam Levy wrote:
>>>>> Yay wedding picture! Boo lack of wedding-night picture!
>>>>Oh, the wedding night wouldn't have been interesting to you guys. After the party we just checked into a nice hotel and went to sleep.
>>>>The next morning, on the other hand...
>>>Yay Cheerios!
>>Well, some kind of "O"s.
>I woulda thought X and Y would be the letters involved...

Your 'K' seems to have a broken back, would you like to borrow mine?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: greetings old friends
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 2000 08:47:09 -0700

TechnoAtheist scratched his noggin and mentioned:
> dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
[long-distance sex snip]
> >Video-phone?
> polaroids?
> >dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies play hi-tech doctor
> Actually, I always thought polaroids were an uncomfortable geological problem.

Most geological problems are uncomfortable.

"Look, it's a volcano erupting in the garden!"
"Damn! The lava's getting all over the rutabagas!"

Or:

"Hey, did you feel that?"
"Well, most people would ask 'Did the Earth move for you, too,' but at least they wait until we're finished..."

Or:

"My ghod! The glacier's obliterated everything north of here!"
"Well, there goes my last chance to look good in a bathing suit..."
--
pieceoftheuniverse - never heard of polaroids, though...


Newsgroups: alt.humor.oracle,rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.afda
Subject: Re: Invasion Force?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 2000 00:39:51 -0400

Hoo^H^H^HMiscreant wrote:
> That was the weakest attempt to take over an undefended newsgroup I've ever seen.
> At this point, I'm afraid you guys couldn't muster enough force to eat a totally unprotected bowl of lime flavored Jello.

Well now, the lime flavoureds are the vicious ones, aren't they? Entire expeditionary forces have been done in by lime Jello. And rarely, my friend, are they unprotected - lime Jello has an armour rating second only to certain classes of dreadnought.

> The whole bloody lot of you should be ashamed of yourselves!

Oh, I am. I've been a baaad world-renowned theoretical physicist.

> Lets just hope you never run into the likes of a real challenge. For example, what do you think would happen if Joel Furr and his band of vicious lemurs were to suddenly make a reappearance and you were forced to defend your space, and your froup, from the likes of that murderous (or at least very annoying) clan?

Wasn't Joel Furr elected Hook once?

> I fear that your forces have grown pudgy and weak and have fallen behind the developed world technologically. This just proves my point that we need to invest more money in the RHOD military and national defense program.

Strangely, every time we give our scientists money for this "Bar Wars" project of theirs, they disappear for three days and then turn up pantless in Alberquerque, claiming that the results of their research was stolen by a Nordic masseuse named Helga.

> We don't want to be caught with our pants down on the losing end of a prosimian gap! That would be *catastrophic*!

Let me tell you, last time I was caught with my pants down, my prosimian gap regretted it the next morning.

> My question to each of you individually, is: "What do you plan to do personally, to make this invasion a success?"

Stay the hell away from Helga.

JIM


Newsgroups: alt.humor.oracle,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Invasion Force?
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000 16:05:03 +1000

'Allen; Timothy Paul' wrote:
> Viki wrote:
>>But do the lime jello shots make one horny, like green M&Ms? I mean, isnt' that the ONLY important consideration?
>It's nice to see that, apart from invading otherwise innocent meta-fan froups while some people are attempting to study for exams, rhod is pretty much just as I left it. :)
>Screwtape,
>...oh bugger, and I was going to make a grand re-entrance, too.

Well, tis grand to see you anyway.
Yes, we're doing the annual 'visiting the neighbours' thing. The 2eggers seem to be quite mad, and thus fit in nicely. Of course, the AFDA's visit so often they are just like family. Not a real family,
you understand - more like the type of relatives you keep out of sight in the cellar, carefully hiding your terrible secret from the rest of the world, but never the less, still regarded as a type of family...


Newsgroups: alt.humor.oracle,rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.afda
Subject: Re: Attack!! (was Re: Invasion Force?)
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 23:37:49 -0700

pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> wrote:
>Miscreant challenged:
>> That was the weakest attempt to take over an undefended newsgroup I've ever seen.
<vrwowwrr>
>> My question to each of you individually, is: "What do you plan to do personally, to make this invasion a success?"
>Crosspost and conquer. That's a good start. We may yet entice you with our ways; we may yet throw down and kick some butts around just for the sheer hell of it. We may yet invade; we may yet bomb; we may yet do many things.
>This slap in the face with the glove of laughter will not be taken sitting down!
>Here, at least let me get up first...

A craggy voice just off stage:

Heh, heh, heh, he is young and foolish this upstart challenger. Just as we've done to a hundred other such challengers, we will seduce them with clever wit and banter. Lull them with Python and Barenaked Ladies. Soon they'll be prancing about the plains spouting TOIJs and entering cascades, and then, then we will unleash the MIMEs.


Yes, young master, let them come to the dark side.


Perhaps they will have new light bulbs.


Newsgroups: alt.2eggs.sausage.beans.tomatoes.2toast.largetea.cheerslove,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Great RHOD/2eggs Crosspost!
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000 13:04:59 -0700

Aquarion <aquarion.aquarionics.com> wrote:
<Snip of much polite banter about annoying .sigads.>
>*sigh*
>after all this, I almost miss RHOD...

It's ok. We almost miss you too.
You should almost visit us more often. We'll almost make coffee and almost serve cake.

>Yours in total sincerity,

well, almost total.

>Aquarion, who lasted nearly two weeks.

Geez, I bet the missus was happy.


Newsgroups: alt.2eggs.sausage.beans.tomatoes.2toast.largetea.cheerslove,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Great RHOD/2eggs Crosspost!
From: Erik Mooney <emooney.SPAMFILTERattila.stevens-tech.edu>
Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2000 15:43:21 -0500

>>Er, Superman didn't wear trousers, period. He wore *tights* with briefs over them. I can't say I've ever 'eard tights referred to as trousers before, Grommitt...
>See, now that's one thing I could never get over. Why is it that superheros always insisted on wearing goofy clothes? I mean at least Batman had a halfway decent reason to lurk in shadows and dress in black, but Supe's day-glo outfit didn't really help much in the surprise department.

Wanna know the actual reason? In the early days of comic books, long before they were a big-business proposition, artists were very underpaid and therefore (possibly "because") they were lazy. So, the skintight costumes were actually a timesaving device. When a hero was in costume (which was much more often in those days, the concepts of mushy romance and ethical dilemmas not yet having been invented, so the secret identities didn't have anything to do), the artist could always draw the human body as if it was nude. This saved quite a bit of time and effort by eliminating the need to position the character's clothing in each frame, so all the penciler needed was good knowledge of the human body, and all the inkers had to do was color the costume. The public then got to identify "superhero" with "skintight costume", and the artists just stuck with it.

Also note that female superheroes pretty much hadn't been invented yet either - the only one before 1950 of any consequence was Wonder Woman, and her costume is a whole different bag of nuts - so the skintight thing wasn't just that artists liked drawing big'uns or that they were pandering to an audience that did.

-erik "wibble? or not? you decide!"


Newsgroups: alt.2eggs.sausage.beans.tomatoes.2toast.largetea.cheerslove,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Great RHOD/2eggs Crosspost!
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.spamedi.org.uk>
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000 14:58:33 GMT

rcbethel.earthlink.net says...
> Robot Karate Man wrote:
> > B.E.N. wrote:
> > >>>> > >Whatcha use to make 'em all buffaloey?
> > >>>> herd em offa cliff?
> > >>>Wouldn't that make them lemming-ey?
> > >>Nah, just flat.
> > >Since it is alleged they have wings, that shouldn't be a problem.
> > Penguins have wings, wouldn't help them. And british cats.
> British cats have wings?

Just the Manx ones. Evolutionary compensation for the tails. Of course, they're hardly what you'd call wings right now - only useful for swooping and gliding short distances. Wait a few hundred more generations and you'll be able to see a real cat flap.

Barry


Newsgroups: alt.2eggs.sausage.beans.tomatoes.2toast.largetea.cheerslove,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Great RHOD/2eggs Crosspost!
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000 09:25:23 -0800

Jim Evans wrote:
> Comrade Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> > pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> said:
> > >"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> > >> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have a thousand uses for their box
> > >--
> > >pieceoftheuniverse - who owns a certified Transmogrifying Gun.
> > Hmm...I thought this situation called for the Replicator, not the Transmogrifier, but whatever. We've got plenty of boxes.
> There isn't any problem that can't be solved with a transmogrifier.

Quite right! For instance, say that after eating all of the jellybeans that everyone likes, all you have are those nasty little black licorice nodules. Well, no one in their right mind eats those, and only a few who care to listen to their left will even pretend to like them, so what are you to do? That's when you whip out the Transmogrifier (tm)!

[cheers from the audience]

Just slip the licorice-flavoured jellybeans in the box, turn the dial, and presto! Instant iguanas!

[whoops and hollers of joy from the audience]

"But potu," you're probably saying right at this very moment, "what if I don't feel like caring for my very own licorice-originated iguanas?" Not a problem! Just place the li'l guys in the box one more time, write whatever you like on the side with our very own Majick Marker (tm), press the button, and ta-da! Watermelon-flavoured jelly beans!

[the crowd goes absolutely wild. This has nothing -- repeat, nothing -- to do with the fact that there are guards pointing transmogrification rays at any of them. Fnord.]

What would you pay for this miracle of modern technology? Seven million dollars? Ten?

But wait! That's not all!

Does your mother concoct strange meals all throughout the day, and expect you to swallow them in the evening for supper? Does your father constantly yell at you for creating snow goons in the driveway? Do your school chums berate you because you have the ability to turn invisible whenever you damn well please! Well, you don't have to take it anymore!

That's right! Because now, the Transmogrifier (tm) comes in an easy-to-use pistol form! Turn that squid pasta into an edible pizza a la mode! Vaporize those snow goons into nothing more than plasma! Turn your father into something considerably less dull-witted! Turn your school chums invisible whenever you please!

How much would you pay for -all- of this? Remember, this is what we have for you:
The Transmogrifier Box (tm)
The Majick Marker (tm)
AND
The Transmogrifier Pistol (tm)

All this is going for a MEASLY ten million dollars! As one of our customers says, "These things come in handy all the time."

Order today!

--
pieceoftheuniverse - just have to sell -one- of these things and I'm set for life...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Boo-hiss!
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000 10:10:55 -0800

Robot Karate Man wrote:
> on 1189-03. Oracular nit-picking? What next? RHOD jokes??

Very true. Only Oracularity in the entire digest that I had to give a score of 1.

I was kind of hoping for something along these lines:


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> If I concatinate you with the oracle in Delphi, what do I get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}Oh, great. Next thing you know...
}

*KNOCK*KNOCK*KNOCK
Hey there, buddy!
}Oh no, not you again. Didn't send you off to the great beyond?
Aw, c'mon; you know you missed me!
}I can't have you constantly reappearing whenever you feel it. There was a reason I you to Delphi--
But it got too boring there, ol' spud. I'm sure you won't mind me takin' a small holiday away from my obligatory duties, now would you?
}Yes, I would mind, you no-good penny-loafer. Now clear off, before I have to get rather harsh.
You hurt me, gov; really, hurts to the core. Here I take the time to clear my schedule, and you go and throw me out the door the instant I arrive. Mum would cry her heart out, she would.
} What schedule? What -Mum-, for crying out loud! The only supplicants you have clamouring for your attention in Delphi are a bunch of hermits who don't even know what century it is, and the only person even resembling a "Mum" would be me!
So you'd throw out your own child, then? Just toss me out on the street like a beggar?
}You -are- a beggar. I gave you that position in Delphi out of pity for your own backwards, half-assed attempts at borrowed enlightenment and two-bit pearls of wisdom. Go dispense them where you please, but stay away from my temple!
I've been meaning to talk to you 'bout that, guv. It don't seem right, you livin' in splendour and the like, while I'm back in a smelly cave reading innards.
}That's where -I- started...
Yeah, but now that one of us has this sweet deal makin' stuff up and sendin' it off to supplicants, it don't seem logical, if ya know what I mean.
}What are you saying?
I'm sayin' it might be time for a´change, dear brother o' mine. Time for me to take over.
}Hey! Unhand me, you ruffian!
Ruffian, eh? Take this
}Ow!
And this!
}Ouch! That's it!
Hey, now, guv. No reason to get all riled up, now...
}I've had quite enough of you!
Just put the staff down and we can talk about this gentleman-like.
}You gave up that right when you attempted to oust me. Time to say good-bye, Delphi!
But think of all the supplicants in Greece! They'll be lost without me!
}Too bad!
*ZZZZZZZZZZZOT!*

Only better.

And the debit line would read something like:

}You owe the Oracle a way to clean an oracle-sized zot-mark off the tile, and a "helpme" message from the hermits in Greece.
--
pieceoftheuniverse - "concatenate," indeed. Whatever happened to "combine" or "cross"?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: taking a lesson from Ian
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 2000 20:01:23 -0700

*ring*
*ring*
Hello?

Heeellllooo?

Hello Sir, Is this Mr. Technothiast?

Close enough, yes.

I'm calling from Intuit sir, and I wish to thank you for being a loyal customer. We'd like to offer you ..

You're welcome.

Excuse me, sir?

I said, "You're Welcome"

For what, sir?

You said "Thank you for being a loyal customer" and I just wanted to be polite and say "You're Welcome." There's just not enough of that in this world, is there?

Uh, no sir there isn't.

Now what were you saying?

Uhmm....

You were on the second line.

Oh...

We'd like to offer you a chance to buy the new version of Turbo Tax with the opportunity to get two free gifts. Are you still running Windows 98?

Well, no, not really.

Oh, do you have a Macintosh?

Nope.

Do you have a PC?

Yes.

Are you running NT?

Nope.

Uhm, what are you running sir?

It's a Timex Sinclair.

And does that run NT?

Well, no not really. I've got Free BSD on it right now, but I'm living in fear of blackouts.

Uhm, I'm not sure I can help you.

It's a very nice operating system, but it takes a while to load. You really should support it.

I'm not sure we can help you. Uh, well, goodnight.

*click*

Spoilsport, I wanted to tell him about my accoustic coupled CD Floppy drive.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: taking a lesson from Ian
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000 10:00:34 -0700

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>TechnoAtheist really weirded out a telemarketer in message
><4ofkvs8gfid3k1ffo5e5p0djrclkh959ts.4ax.com>...
>>*ring*
>>*ring*
>...
>> Uhm, what are you running sir?
>>It's a Timex Sinclair.
>Tell me that's not a watch.

No, but it's damn close to one.

The venerable Timex Sinclair (http://www.zx81.de/) was a cheap 8 bit computer even back in 1980 when it first came out. It's "OS" was a form of BASIC that you entered via extended keys (e.g. ALT+R = "return"). I can't remember if it had a cassette tape interface like the RadioShack ColorComputer had (thus my comment about "fear of blackouts").

>>It's a very nice operating system, but it takes a while to load.
>>You really should support it.
>> I'm not sure we can help you. Uh, well, goodnight.
>> *click*
>And he was so polite, too. Well, mostly.

I'm never really nasty to the call-ops folks. They've got a job to do. Normally, I'll hang up before they pick up or I'll just have some fun at their sponsoring companies expense.

He was fun because he was told to sell folks on a software package (albeit a very popular one) and didn't have any technical background.

Ok, so there was this other time when someone called a few years ago offering AOL.


So, would you be interested in a years subscription to...

Oh! Thank God you called? You're technical right?

Uhm, well, I...

Great, cause I'm having this problem with my computers flux capacitor. No matter what I try, I can't get the C-PROM's to sync with the primary induction coupler..

Sir, I'm not really...

...and when I try to polarize the CPUs secondary transmeta sink like they suggest in the manual, well, all hell just breaks loose.

Sir, I'm just calling to tell you...

I can usually put out the fire pretty quickly, but it really scares my cat.

I don't really know how to...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: hey gang, I have a question
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2000 09:40:18 -0800

Ian Davis wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> > "Gee, I have, let's see ... one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, TEN! I have ten fingers on my hands!"
> This concept of numbering systems based on obvious physical features certainly explains my tendency to count in base 1.

All men count by base one [1]. Women can't bear to look at themselves, so they always count the number of other women in the room. It just happened to be ten the day they all decided it was time to come up with a standard, and, well, the rest is history.
--
pieceoftheuniverse - blatantly contradicting himself since day one.

[1] Hey, that means we're all binary! [2]
[2] Although I was secretly hoping to be ternary. [3]
[3] Maybe quantum. I could be yes, no, or neither yes nor no.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: hey gang, I have a question
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 31 Oct 2000 13:03:13 -0800

Ian Davis wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> > pieceoftheuniverse - blatantly contradicting himself since day one.
> You mean day 10? I mean 100? I mean 1000? Buggrit.

Well, far be it from me to bring a conversation full circle, but...

...ah, what the hell.

If men really -do- count in base one because of obvious physical parameters, then it would certainly make sense as to why the stereotypical male "always" forgets everything. It's not so much bad memory as the fact that every day counts only in and of itself. There is no yesterday, no tomorrow; only today, and today is always day one, the very beginning of it all. Something either is or isn't, black or white, male or female. There are no in-betweens, there is no past to remember or future to plan for. There is the here, the now, and that's why I forgot your birthday. No, really. Put the knife down, honey. And the gun. Overkill, you know...
--
pieceoftheuni^C^C^C NO CARRIER



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