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2000 10 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Continuing Coverage
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000 20:24:57 -0700

We're back to coverage of the Olympic games in Sydney and the finals for the Ballroom Biathlon. I'm Bob Costas.

<solemn orchestra music>

The road to ballroom biathlons is not an easy route.

For years, detractors have said that the foxtrot and handguns don't mix.

But for Mary Washinka and Ivan "Boris" Arapamondillatinokoplitz, it was a calling.

Both grew up in small towns a half a world apart.

<slow motion detail of incredibly poor people living in a village located on a massive pillar.>

Mary, the daughter of a Chinese goatherd fought her way sixty kilometers along this narrow cable every day. Her talent was recognized early by the Latvian government, and at the tender age of three and a half months, she was given her first Luger. Every day after, from three in the morning she would start her day regimen.

<various scenes of Mary training>

Breakfast, 8 hours of training, a lunch of dry toast, 8 more hours on the waxed shooting range, a bowl of rice, and before finally retiring, a strenuous eight hour workout.

But that's all behind her now as she faces her ultimate challenge.

<return to the competition and we see both Mary and Ivan take their position>

A sharp contrast to the story of this young man, Ivan "Boris" Arapamondillatinokoplitz.

<fade to the relatively palatial family home of the Arapamondillatinokoplitz's>

Boris was born to the lap of luxury in his native country of Czheklostopiztanilovia, a fractured republic from the splintering young Republic of Uzbekislavinotia. Boris' family does not want, as their holding are over 2.7 billion Prublovs, or about thee hundred and forty five dollars. But their story is not without controversy. Rumors run thick of their ties to the lucrative dental floss black market.

<slow motion films of rioters flossing in effigy>

But Boris hopes to clear the Arapamondillatinokoplitz's name and bring the gold home.

<more slow motion reaction shots of him and Mary taking the floor>

But now is the time when their training is put to the test.

<return to the competition, Boris dips Mary who quickly pulls a .45 and fires three rounds at a small target>

And Mary fires off three rounds, but the real story is the heroic effort made by their coach, "Stumpy" Miller.

<fade to Stumpy, who is a stuffed rabbit>

<more stirring music, heavy on violins and oboes>

Some say that having a coach that's a stuffed toy is foolish.

<slow motion image of Mary and Boris' feet sweeping past Stumpy>

Others say that the voices they think they hear, are the voices of their hearts. Driving them to glory. Whatever it is, they've trained hard.

<even more slow motion footage (haven't they heard of caffeine?) of Mary and Boris split-screen>

Two young Olympians from different worlds, a controversial coach, in a desperate, thirty second grab for glory.

<freeze of a transposed three head shot, Boris, Mary and Stumpy>

<music hits a triumphant crescendo>

<return to the competition as Boris spins Mary to a stop. The audience erupts in applause>

Well, that was certainly a beautiful performance. And the judges seem to like it too, with a total of 9.8 for style, 9.9 for accuracy, and whoa-ho!! A Perfect 10 for interpretation!! Surely, we'll not see that kind of performance in these games for a while!! An excellent performance!

But Performance isn't the only thing important in these games, not when you have stories like our cameraman, Bill Foster, and his valiant struggle against painful rectal itch...

<swell up the dramatic music>

<slow motion of Bill Foster and his hand reaching behind him.>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Whatever happened to...
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2000 03:30:16 GMT

Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>Fierce Cookie wrote:
>> Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:>>
>> > Fierce Cookie said:
>> >; Well Thursday was Alex's birthday, and one of her presents was a 29 gallon
>> >Happy birthday to her!
>> >; (US) aquarium. We're purchasing decorations and gravel and fish this
>> >As opposed to a 29 gallon (THEM) aquarium?
>> No, as opposed to a 29 gallon (They-Uns) aquarium. So here's the population so far:
>> 8 zebra danios
>> 2 harlequin (something or other -- somebody help me out here)
>> 3 marigold painted swordtails (1 male, 2 female)
>> 3 sunset swordtails (1 male, 2 female)
>> 1 yellow molly (female, we think, and rather gravid-looking)
>> 6 neon tetras
>> 1 plecostomous
>> 1 bright red Siamese fighting fish
>> No guppies yet, since none of the fish stores had any that were very attractive. Grandmother is visiting this weekend, and has a source for some (allegedly) beautiful fantail guppies. She'll be bringing us some of those. The fish all seem to like their new home. At least, none of them have made anything resembling a complaint.
>Good luck. Our sunsets died off almost immediately, unfortunately. They are a pretty fish, aren't they? And of the 10 neon tetras that we started with, we now have 2. I am unsure if the bigger fishies were feasting on them or they died of natural causes. We didn't find many carcasses. I just wonder if the two remaining neons are figuratively speaking quaking in their boots, iykwim. "Look, Norman, there's that big bad angel fish again, remember what happened to Celeste! Swim for it! Swim for your frigging life!!!"

My theory is that the other fish grab the neons and stick them on the walls inside their little fish pubs.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Connection refused
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2000 20:14:46 -0700

Sid <sid00.my-deja.com> wrote:
> dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>> Only if he can manifest himself a burning bush. Or appear in a tortilla in Mexico.
>> -- D. "Or in a water stain in a Moscow subway." W.
>Ah, the changing times. The SID remembers the times when a simple moving of mountains or walking on water would suffice.
>The Imperious BUDDHA sighs...

Ah, but you can walk on mountains and move water. It's all pretty communitive once you think about it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I made it (no thanks to the mounties)
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Fri, 06 Oct 2000 21:42:50 -0700

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Jim Evans wrote ...
>>I suspect that most Langleyans have more than their fair share of dairy cow in their family trees.
>> JIM, silly Langleyans, you keep cows in the barn, not in the tree!
>Considering that's where most (re)production on farms takes place, fair enough.

Cows reproduce in trees? Geez, no wonder they died out in the wild...

>Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti spawned in the outhouse.

moo, moo! Moo! MOO! MO OO
O
0
O
O
O
<whump>

Dang. Cletus, it's yer turn to get the bull down.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Connection refused
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2000 18:56:53 -0700

"Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
>Mine is black and silver brocade. Droolworthy.
>Guys, be grateful you don't wear these. It takes a second person to lace the bodice up really good, and that person leaves you just enough room to breathe occasionally. {gasp}
>Of course, you pervs would rather look at us women wearing them. Admit it. :-)

Well, I for one enjoy seeing women without them.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Request for strange photos
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2000 12:54:09 -0700

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" came up with an idea:
Run for your life! It's a <snip!>
> if one considers beer to be "liquid bread"
<snipped for reduced clarity>

That brings interesting connotations to mind.

Raisin Beer: a combination of red wine and brewski
Whole-Grain Beer: No starch! No additives! No bleach! What's that brown gunk floating at the top there?
White Beer: Pure bleach! All additives! No natural ingredients to get in the way of that great taste! Best yet, it looks just like milk! Great with cereal!
Honey-Top Beer: There's nothing quite like the taste of the beers and the bees.
Sourdough Beer: Great with sandwiches!
Hawaiian Beer: Guzzle the whole thing down in minutes!
Goldfish Beer: Take one sip, and you won't be thirsty for days!
French Beer: No, really, it's actually good! Needs some butter and spaghetti sauce, though...
Unleavened Beer: Tastes kinda flat...
Crouton Beer: For those who love the "dry" taste.
Banana Beer: The great taste of bread with the smell and texture of rotting bananas!
Pasta Beer: An Italian Delight!
Pizza Beer: Excellent with all sorts of toppings, only an additional $1.26/per!
The list goes on and on! Order today!
---
pieceoftheuniverse - er, no thanks, I prefer my bread in solid form...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Request for strange photos
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2000 21:35:52 -0700

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <CGraytwo.kc.rr.com> wrote:
> Jim Evans wrote:
>> Ben Fisher wrote:
>>> I've been gone, what happened to DMP?
>>Drop bears got'im.
>speaking of which, was it by any chance someone in this room (casting
>suspicious glances as JIMbot, Sara, and Mr. Atheist-just for good measure)
>that created "alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.australians.dropbears"?

Twern't me.

Although now I'm REALLY depressed that my server doesn't have that group.


Ooh, work it baby, work it.
click-ZZZT, click-ZZZT,

That's it, look down at the camera.
click-ZZZT, click-ZZZT, click-ZZZT,

Give me sexy, baby, give me sexy.
click-ZZZT, click-ZZZT,

Ooh yes, love the claws!
click-ZZZT, click-ZZZT, click-ZZZT,

Snarl, you're an animal baby!
click-ZZZT, click-ZZZT,

That's it, give it to me!
click-ZZZT, click-ZZZT,

Give it to me-AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Request for strange photos
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 3 Oct 2000 17:09:54 +0100

Pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> writes
>If we assume that fort = fourteen, then we can derive a number of things:
>If we divide fourteen into two, we get seven. Therefore, sevnight would be a week, or seven days.
>If sevnight is seven days, then pretty much any number can be substituted for those first three/four letters, depending on the number of days it means to imply. For instance, for single-digit days, three letters; for two-digit numbers, four letters, and so on.
>So since a month is four weeks, that could be called "thirnight," which stands for the thirty-or-so days involved. A year would be threenight," which stands for the three hundred and sixty-odd days involved in that one.
>Well, it's a bit confusing, but then again so is much of the English language, so I say we go ahead and submit it to Webster and Random House immediately. Or rather, forthwith.

I'm only gone a month or so, and return to find ignorance running riot in rhod. Of course, sennigth (se'ennight) is a proper word meaning week, as you would know if you had a real dictionary like the Oxford instead of that colonial trash. To save everyone a trip to the library, here's the complete set:

One Onenight (Pronounced "onanight", it has fallen out of use, to be replaced by the colloquial "one-ker")
Two Twonight (To avoid confusion with "tonight", this is often called "corrupt tonight", or cruptonight)
Three Thrunight (Like "thruppeny bits", only without the rather unfortunate rhyming slang connotations)
Four Fornight (Traditionally used to mean a very short period of time. Casanova, because of his habit of frequently changing girlfriends, was known as a bit of a fornighcator)
Five Finight (Creationists believe that, since God created man in one day and spent another loafing around, he logically must have made the rest of the universe in finight)
Six Sicnight (That piece of paper your employer demands when you've been off ill for over a working week)
Seven Sennight (Historical note: there was a time some of your American politicians were so hardworking they were referred to as sennightors; alas, no longer)
Eight Eighnight (Used by Cockneys to indicate a very long time, as in "It's a big job this, einnight")
Nine Ninight (See also: Borg ninighprobe)
Ten Tennight (Used by the French to indicate a very long time, as in "When will you return to me, Napoleon?" "Not tennight, Josephine")
Eleven Onsanight (From the French "onze" for eleven; traditionally sufficient time to complete any task, hence the old punchline "But onsanight is enough")
Twelve Twelnight (Where the hell does one buy a partridge in a pear tree, anyway? Not Harrods, that's for sure. Bloody stupid song)


With the exception of fortnight, anything over a twelnight is generally referred to as a "very generous number of nights", or vegenight.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---Where did I pick up this Oz accent?--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nothing new all day?
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2000 04:02:39 GMT

TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>Oh yeah, sure, sacrifices sound like a good idea, but then they get all "ooh, gross, that thing is squirting blood all over the living room! I am *NOT* cleaning that up! Ugh, and the smell!"
>and Ghod help you if they actually see the lamb first. Then they're all "ooh, she's soo cute, and soft, and wooly and omigod, it's not paper trained!! GetItOutGetItOutGetItOut!!"
>Stick to lambchops on the barbeque.

Isn't it odd how there aren't any deities that want a sacrifice of a luna moth, or a beaver, or a pony?
"And the Lord spaketh unto Abraham, 'Kill not thy son, Abe, just grabeth thee that turtle and do him in.'"
Those guys that wrote the Bible had NO imagination.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nothing new all day?
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 3 Oct 2000 23:46:26 GMT

Dan Birchall <djb0x77371b0c.scream.org> said:
>Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>> Hey - speaking of laws...
>> (sorry - me got new book)
>> by-laws prevent the use of space guns in North Andover,
>
>If this is North Andover, MA we're talking about, I can see why. That otherwise unassuming small town was for some years home of a company with the initials FTP. Said company in turn employed various folks who had a thing about playing with lasers and assorted other "space gun" type devices.
>And now you know... the rest of the story.

I used to work in a lab suite where the lasers were placed wherever they fit and plumbing was convenient.[1] And other equipment was similarly jammed wherever space allowed. Which means if the laser you needed wasn't where you needed its beam, you either used one of the strategically-drilled holes in the wall[5] to go next door, or mounted a series of mirrors on desks and doorframes to get down the hall. For times when one was doing the latter, we had a large barricade to block the hall that read "danger: martian death ray!".[7]

[1] We're talkin' "do not look into laser with remaining eye" lasers, not "excerise the cat with a laser pointer" lasers.[2]
[2] Note that we did *not* attempt to entertain any cats in the lab, as they would more likely have been sliced in half.[3]
[3] That would be bad.[4]
[4] For the cat.
[5] I guess they didn't have to be that strategically-drilled, as it could just as well have cut its own path.
[6] THERE IS NO FOOTNOTE 6.
[7] Although there were no martians in the lab group.[8]
[8] At that time.[9]
[9] As far as I know.
[10] Error: footnote unreachable.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder why he never brought a disco ball to lab


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I made it (no thanks to the mounties)
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Mon, 09 Oct 2000 01:40:55 GMT

TimC <tcon.despammed.physics.usyd.edu.au> wrote:
>TechnoAtheist wrote:
>> <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>> > putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com wrote:
>> >> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>> >> >I hearby promise to stop boring RHOD with discussions of British Columbian geography now.
>> >> Ooookay...so what are you going to bore us with next?
>> >I thought I might start reciting my thesis in Pig Latin.
>> Well, NO WONDER you're having such a hard time finishing it. You really ought to do a thesis in electrical field physics or something.
>Thats what I thought it was - at least I read the first line as: electricity field gradient in hydrostatic iron although it doesn't make much sense to me :)

Personally, I think every thesis should contain "Although It Doesn't Make Much Sense to Me" as part of the title. Heck, everything written about science should have that. Here's some examples:

"A General Theory of Relativity, Although It Doesn't Make Much Sense to Me"
--Albert Einstein

"On the Origin of Species, Although It Doesn't Make Much Sense to Me"
--Charles Darwin

"A Brief History of Time, Although It Doesn't Make Much Sense to Me"
--Steven Hawking

Now, it's JIM's turn to change "Sense" to "Pants" in all these. Have at it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I made it (no thanks to the mounties)
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 11 Oct 2000 00:01:29 GMT

Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> said:
>Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> wrote:>
>>Thank you, darlin. Pass me a mint julip, please? :)
>Damn Yankee. It's "julep."
>>> Lone Wolf - I guess I should crosspost this to a.s.s-n-t-a-v, huh?
>>alt.sex.she-never-takes-a-vacation?
>>alt.sex.so-now-the-aardvark-vibrates?
>Big nose, long sticky tongue, a bad case of Parkinson's disease, and you expect somebody to use him for *that*?

Well I didn't have much choice, seeing as how the squid had herp#.$#$.$%# NO CARRIER


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Near the symphony
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Sun, 8 Oct 2000 06:55:23 GMT

The other night I was at a bar next to a small concert hall when a group of guys came in. It turns out that they are all bass players in the orchestra playing in the hall. As it turns out, their orchestra was playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony that night, and the basses are only used in the beginning and end, so they decided to slip out for a beer or three during the lengthy middle.

So they've drank a few beers each, when one of them glances at his watch and says that they should probably get back to the concert, since the middle part should be ending shortly. One of his buddies says that they have time for another beer. He says that before the concert, he tied the last few pages of the music to the music stands so no one will be able to continue past the middle section until he returns and pulls the string loose. They all thought that was a wonderful idea and toasted their ingenious buddy with a fresh round of drinks. After that, they stagger back into the hall and resume their places.

And sure enough, wouldn't you know it, by that time it was the bottom of the 9th, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Big Easy Challenge
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000 13:18:51 -0700

Viki wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> > I've folded a few diapers in my day, and I can say from experience that one often ends up using a lot more material than originally intended.
> Do tell? Ladies and Gents, we have a perv in our midst...

No, I mean ... er, that is ... children, ya know ... ah, hell.
There's no good way to respond to this, is there?

> :)

Oh, go ahead and smirk. ;j I know my rights.

> > Besides, if the bedsheet's too much, he can always fold it in half (and half again. And again. And again...).
> > --
> > pieceoftheuniverse - and oh yes, my suggestion is to go as a lawyer. Maybe a reptile mask, for added effect...
> ooooooooh, them's fighting words, potu!!!

You gonna call me a "rootin' tootin' long-eared dagnabbed varmint" next?

[ducks]

Now hold on just a minute. Before you pull that gun out of your garter and let me take one between the eyes, you have to realize that there's an exception to every rule. And while I may normally despise lawyers, and call them scum, and occasionally tell such jokes as "How do you make a lawyer lose weight? Chop off his head," they are in no way reflective of you, just of your chosen profession.

[takes a sucker punch, doubles over]

Er, let me rephrase that: Not in reflection of you, just your co-workers.

[takes a sock to the eye]

Not in reflection of you, but others that I've had contact with and thus despise?

[hit to the ... er, well, it's not pretty]

Not in reflection of you at all, in any way, shape, or form?

[no hits]

*whew*

[a SMACK for good measure]

--
pieceoftheuniverse - out cold.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Big Easy Challenge
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2000 13:47:56 -0400

Comrade Viki wrote:
> Jim Evans wrote:
> > pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> > > pieceoftheuniverse - press 1 if you wish to leave a message. Press 2 to get a <ZOT> between the eyes...
> > Speaking of which, does anyone else think when they read the subject of this thread, "Well if it's Easy it's not much of a Challenge, no matter how Big it is"? Right then.
> LOL Can anyone else see JIM in like 50 years, with grandkids on his knee, telling them cheesy stories of HG and laughing his fool head off?
> : )

Actually by that time my mental line between fantasy and reality will have become so blurred, I'll probably believe that all those things actually happened.

"Eh. What's for dinner, son?"
"Jen's made us a treat tonight, Dad - lobster! See?"
[squints at the plate]
"This ain't Him, is it?"
"*Sigh* No, Dad, it isn't 'Him'. Now go take off your cape, put on some pants and come have dinner."
"I use to have a De Broglie board, y'know."
"Dad, that wasn't a De Broglie board, that was my skateboard. Now, please - cape? Pants?"

JIM, hrmph


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 09 Oct 2000 12:08:21 -0700

Jim Evans managed to type this while simultaneously diving for cover:
> JIM, you did know that Yahoo! has the third largest munitions budget on Earth, right?

Hmmm. That puts them -just- under ICBC in potential firepower. Notice I say "potential;" after all, just because they have the budget for, say, a thermonuclear device, by no means suggests that they actually -have- said weapon. Besides, any corporation hell-bent on subjugation of the populace and eventual total control of the Earth always has some wacked-out leader in charge that comes up with crazy schemes that no one in their right mind would think of (and therefore prepare for). A thermonuclear weapon? No problem, we'll just tuck in a shelter [1]. But a plutonium-powered chicken, with laser-eyes, titanium beak and a supersonic cluck (also does julienne fries)? Prepare to meet your maker!

---
pieceoftheuniverse - now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go down to KFC for lunch...

[1] Before anyone says anything: yes, I know that a shelter will not protect anyone from a nuclear blast. Radiation, possibly. Thousand-mph winds, maybe. Intense heat? Hahahaha, no. Not even remotely. You do know what a stone oven is, right?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2000 02:17:05 GMT

Daniel E. Macks said:
; Synchronicity alert! There was just an article in the Baltimore paper about folks deciding that maybe it's time to remove the remnants of the Nike base that once protected said city. Apparently some folks

You had an ICBM farm at a place run by a sneaker company? Must've been fun around Christmas with all that missiletoe.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: SID <sid.00.usa.net>
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000 07:30:31 GMT

edc81u4.newsguy.com wrote:
> >I'm sure there too. The Soviets and we had more than enough for everybody.
> In that case, where's mine?

Oh. The soviets kept two of their missiles for you - one in Czechoslovakia and one in Yugoslavia. The kids in Bosnia have taken a fancy to the one kept there and pop their popcorn by its green glow.

But, fear not. You shall still have a missile. The czech's in the mail.

I'll get me hat.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: SUPER! SUPER! SUPER!
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000 21:57:11 -0700

marksman.uwnet.nl (Markman) wrote:
>SUPER! SUPER! SUPER!

Look, buddy, I may be da superintendant, but dat's your crap pluggin' up da pipe.

Go buy yer own damn plunger!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Small Diatribe - Read and Die Small
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2000 09:34:53 +0100

Wikkit <latebird.usa.net> writes
>Can one of you ukians explain this to me:
>"One said: "You sit in a gun and shout 'Bang, bang'. You don't fire any ammunition. It's a big joke and the sailors are disgusted. It is just like being back in the school playground when you shouted 'bang' to shoot your friends in a game of cowboys and Indians.""
>I was sort of under the impression that Cowboys&Indians was sort of an american stupidity. How the hell did it become a UKian one too?

Course it isn't, silly. We play Celts&Saxons. One side covers themselves in blue paint, and we run around going "Thwack!" and "Twang!" and "Ow, my eye!"

Oh, and the Celtic side has to speak in Welsh which, as Jeremy Hardy pointed out on the radio yesterday, is a language which hasn't had a new word added in 2000 years. So the Welsh language TV news sounds like: "Llanwyblltdfairglyn airport cwmllognychtiliogoch aeroplane gorstllegw wheel..." Then he turned to Glynis Kinnock and asked her if she spoke Welsh. She said, "Yes, but not as well as you."

Glynis Kinnock: the best prime minister we never even got near to having. But I digress...

Course, I also remember a brief phase of playing Swampfox&Redcoats when I was a nipper, until someone pointed out to the more historically challenged amongst us that the Redcoats was us, as it were. Nowadays kids play the far less nationally-stigmatising game of Hollywood-blockbuster-with-deranged-master-criminal-played-by-Britactor-from-Thesp-Central-who-should-know-better.

>Don't see dunderhead too often. Should use it more.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Small Diatribe - Read and Die Small
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2000 10:20:24 GMT

Richard Wilson said:
; "Llanwyblltdfairglyn airport cwmllognychtiliogoch aeroplane gorstllegw

If you gargle with saltwater, you should be able to soothe that throat irritation away.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Small Diatribe - Read and Die Small
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2000 14:30:57 GMT

Wikkit <latebird.usa.net> wrote:
>I was sort of under the impression that Cowboys&Indians was sort of an american stupidity.

"Natives and Invaders", if you please.

-- D. "'We', paleface?" W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Horror.... the horror.....
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 15 Oct 2000 18:20:00 GMT

TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> said:
>Killroy.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man) wrote:
>> TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>I do not have secret lustful thoughts of Santa Claus!!!

Well of *course* you'd deny them...otherwise they wouldn't be secret.

>>Incidentally, that pic must be a bit old because, as of my visit, the trees behind it have been allowed to grow up (...) the horse's back side.
>Well, that explains quite a bit now, doesn't it?

Hence the origin of the expression "laying a log".

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if we're about to have a round of "constipated mathematician" jokes


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I need your help
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2000 20:47:36 GMT

TechnoAtheist said:
; I wouldn't say Alice was Alternative. More Alternative-lite. They also used to play crap like "Kiss Me" and other bits of fluff. They never played Aquabats, Rancid, or Prodigy. Basically they were going after the young female demographic, but just not as young as Mix106 was doing. What's more, we're the only two people on this list right now that care about this, I mean, c'mon, we're talking about radio stations from the SF Bay area, not semi-obscure authors or canadian pop bands or the meta-philisophical ramifications of pop-tarts on scientology, or anything else that folks might actually care about or want to read endlessly instead of tirelessly slogging though this bilge like recruits at a boot camp where bilge marching is pretty required although I have no idea exactly why bilge marching would be of any military use other than maybe if some secret terrorist organization were to suddenly decide to attack our ship based sewer systems only to be discovered by a somewhat surprised and uncomfortable admiral who was already having a pretty awful day what with the bad tuna he had last night even though his first officer had told him repeatedly not to go to that sushi bar because he had a problem last time they were in port, but he had been drinking with the boys from the 3rd who he hadn't seen since O'Reilly had run naked through St Petersburg screaming "THE CLOWNS ARE EATING MY GONADS!!" which never really made much sense but now here he is literally with his pants down and an invading army coming up through his commode and all he can think of is those old Ty-de-bowl commercials and what a miserable life that little S.O.B in his boat must have being stuck floating around folks toilets begging for some form of recognition and hoping against all hope that his motor doesn't konk out the next time that the toilet gets flushed because My God, these people are incessant about using their toilets but at least it wasn't as bad as his cousin Ralph had it because he was stuck with a family that had one of those high pressure low-flow toilets and no one has heard from him in years and now I'm stuck in one of my incessant run-on modes which, granted, can be funny sometimes by for the most part is just really, really annoying unless you happen to like reading something that makes James Joyce seem like Shakespear without the guys in tights saying puns and bad jokes that may have been funny to a bunch of unwashed folks hanging about the Globe but I'm willing to bet it was more the free beer because they had that of course heckling was also a serious art form in those times and some of the better lines were probably lost to the world because everyone was too drunk to write them down and the author was too offended to consider it but now you're just shushed or escorted out of the theater like someone with gas and speaking of loosing things to the winds of time I'm betting that this one will definitely be lost to time because Hetta will have the good graces not to include it in BORHOD but it will probably get submitted to AHBOU partly because of the fact that we haven't had anything go there in such a long darn time that folks have probably forgotten about us entirely which is not a bad thing, but I'm figuring that Richard or someone else will probably start decrying the fate of Rhod again with will strike up more conversations and arguments about what good humor is when JIM will probably point out that it's an ice cream at which point POTU will again do some story about how he was sexually abused by a man wearing white driving a truck with bells on it to whit you (or someone like you) will point out that Rocket Pops aren't usually tan with purple tops which will get the ladies off on some other tangent that will eventually collapse under it's own innuendo but of course none of this will matter because the police will have undoubtedly discovered my broken and twisted body lying in front of my keyboard with the murder weapon, a suddenly greatly dog-eared copy of Strunk and White lying next to me but of course it probably won't be Nathan who does the discovery because he has suddenly become one with his copy of Tony Hawk which I could never get because the players go do amazing moves and then are subject to the kinds of falls that would turn most human beings into pizzas but you never hear folks talking about how dangerous those games are to the children of america who see them and think "Gee, Tony can drop forty feet on to a chain link fence and do a stunning nose grind so why can't I do it?" and of course they go out and try and wind up paralyzed or worse but the media doesn't care about that because the kid only off'd himself and didn't get a fully automatic, chain-loaded grenade launcher that his grand-dad kept in the front closet and used on weekends to hunt chipmunks because by God those chipmunks are vicious little bastards when you just wound them.

Decaf, man. Decaf.



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