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2000 09

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Request for strange photos
From: pieceoftheuniverse Support Team <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2000 16:42:22 -0700

Freyja plucked this tidbit out of thin air:
> Typical Hollywood audience. All the kids are on drugs and all the adults are on rollerskates!

?????

Due to circumstances beyond our immediate control, your statement has caused a "relevance not found; logic failure -02459" error in our pieceoftheuniverse control program. Sadly, this sort of thing is irreparable, and the potu unit will have to be entirely replaced.

But all is not lost! Though the old unit has gone to that great circuit board in the sky, the memory eneagrams are still mostly intact. You may notice some repetition at first and some loss of integration, but for the most part the new potu will be better than the last. We've made some upgrades since last you've purchased from us, and we will be more than happy to include them in the new model absolutely free, since our "Unbreakable Warranty" is still in full effect.

The new model includes:

  • Relevance Modifier: can make up its own references as it goes along!
  • Thread Enhancer (beta): each addition to the thread is better than the last!
  • Sexual Innuendo (beta): practically speaks for itself!
  • Spell Checker: nasty problem with "masochist" fixed
  • Complimentary Subroutine: will supply them on command!
  • Language Barrier: Se Hablo Espanol! (Other languages in beta)
  • More memory than ever before!
  • Destroys Cascade Cops with a single blow!
  • New, larger killfile!
  • Better understanding of Internet Jargon!
  • Obref creator and finder in one!
  • Multiple newsgroup appearances!
  • Random algorithm practically guarantees rhod-like insanity!
  • All this and more! (website still not included)

Thank you for your continued patronage and support; your potu unit will arrive in the wee hours of the morning (Pacific Standard Time).

---
pieceoftheuniverse Support Team - Now Hiring! Get a Piece of the Action!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Request for strange photos
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2000 14:05:05 -0600

putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie) wrote:
>Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
>>Hmm, time for some research.
>>Yeah. Here's what I thought was a canonical Tom Swiftie, from http://wreckedhumor.tripod.com/canonical/tomswifties.html
>Lots of great ones there. Some are subtle, others hit you like a tubafor across the back of the head.
>> "I'm wearing my wedding ring", said Tom with abandon.
>I like this one:
>"I'm having an affair with my gamekeeper", said the lady chattily.

Oh yeah, and, and this one!

"I am NOT a homosexual necrophiliac", said Tom in dead earnest.


Kevin


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The best news Netscape's gotten
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 4 Sep 2000 02:23:58 GMT

Otis Viles <drey.speakeasy.org> said:
> "sid" <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote:
>>There is a stable version scheduled?
>Yes, the final (and hopefully stable) version of Netscape 6 is supposed to ship sometime before the sun collapses in on itself.

This, of course, does not factor in the usual schedule slippage.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies would rather just launch Netscrape into the sun right now


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The best news Netscape's gotten
From: "Andrew Comeau" <acomeau.mfi.net>
Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 10:11:04 -0400

"Fierce Cookie" <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
> drey.speakeasy.org (Otis Viles) wrote:
> > "sid" <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote:
> >>There is a stable version scheduled?
> >Yes, the final (and hopefully stable) version of Netscape 6 is supposed to ship sometime before the sun collapses in on itself.
> Sounds like marketing hype to me.

... not to mention that if they miss that release date, it will give a whole new meaning to the term 'vaporware'.

Andrew "Plasmaware, anyone?" Comeau


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The characteristic part of a pig
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Mon, 04 Sep 2000 12:33:28 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>Chris Wesling wrote:
>> Is a pig's penis very unusual compared to the penisoi of other animals? ISTR hearing once that the pig's penis is corkscrewed, like its tail. If so, that's probably why it's the "characteristic" part.
>With my luck, if I were a pig, I'd have a left-hand thread.

Ooh! Ooh! I know! The Coriolis force makes pigs in the Northern Hemisphere have clockwise-corkscrewed penii, whereas the penii of the pigs down under go counter-cockwise.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The characteristic part of a pig
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2000 11:18:49 +1000

Ian Davis wrote:
> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> > Racemic. It doubles my chances of getting a date.
> In this Olympic month, when all should be learning Strine, I remind you once again of the alternative meaning of the word "date."

Yes - and remember - they're "Bum Bags" - NOT "Fanny Packs", and you wear thongs on your feet here, not your arse, which is NOT the same as an ass at all. Try getting around with your ass in a thong down here *your* way and you're just gonna get yourself really laughed at.

It's also wise to remember that we have "mirrors" here, not "mirs". Saying "I'd like to look in your mir please" will only lead to heartache in your host or hostess - not many of us can afford Soviet Space Stations in our bathrooms you know.

Oh yes - and that's another thing - we don't normally have "powder" rooms in our houses - the authorities usually prefer that the general public don't keep large quantities of high explosives and gunpowder and whatnot at home, even if it *is* really handy for firing up the old barbie, which is actually an outdoor grill and *not* an unenthusiastic aged plastic toy. On our barbies we cook snags, which are not male New Agers but delightful "mystery bags" of meaty goodness, and the occasional prawn - but NEVER "shrimp" for shrimps here are short people and little kids and to cook them would not be nice.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey - look what *I* found...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2000 00:23:32 -0400

Sara M wrote:
> ~
> Stand back though - it might bite...

Oooh... it's a rare e'st 'Stryan tilder! They're highly excitibble, and DIDDLY.

'ere, let's see if we kin geddem t'show us 'is apostrophe. I'll jest stick me 'and up 'is colon...

JIM, ooh! cheeky buggah... ain't 'e a b'uty?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey - look what *I* found...
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 04 Sep 2000 23:38:04 -0600

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:

~

>Stand back though - it might bite...

Music, please? And-a one two three one two three...

Hmm? Just waltzing my tilde.


Kevin


ps. and I'm not sorry, either


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey - look what *I* found...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2000 09:09:35 -0700

Jason Willoughby wrote:
> Just this weekend I was watching a documentary on desert animals, and they had a segment about a survey of wild camels in Outback. It started out with a helicopter spotting a herd and calling in a group of Jeep of dirt bikes. Then they focused on this large, bearded, red-headed fellow and said "The point man is a rancher named Blue. Blue's job is to leap from the Jeep and wrestle the 600lb prime bull to the ground."
> What? Is there something wrong with tranquilizer darts?

Actually, yes.

Supposedly, one is never supposed to shoot a running beast with a tranquilizer, especially a fast-acting drug. And especially if the animal happens to be charging -towards- you. For instance:

Bill: Oh my ghod, it's coming right for us!
Bob: Here, take this (throws the tranq gun)
Bill: Die, sucker!
Gun: BLAM!

Beast takes it right between the eyes, tumbles, squashes Bill and Bob into pancake mix.

Or, alternatively, when you're chasing the beast:

Bill: Ha ha, this camel is no match for our car. Pull in behind him whilst I aim this tranquilizer properly...

Bob: Right-ho.
Gun: BLAM!
Car: Thud, thud.
Bob: Er, he's dead now, ain't he?

As one might imagine, the biologists learned this one the hard way.

> And sure enough, Blue jumped from the Jeep, wrapped his arms around the galloping dromedary's neck, dragged him to the ground, and held him there while the scientists did whatever it is scientists do to an immobilized camel.

Camel: Noooooo! Not the vasectomy kit! *faints*

---
pieceoftheuniverse - do camels have vocal chords, or is it just giraffes without them?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey - look what *I* found...
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2000 22:54:35 GMT

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>>Comrade Donald Welsh wrote:
>>> pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> wrote:
>>> >pieceoftheuniverse - do camels have vocal chords, or is it just giraffes without them?
>>> Giraffes have purple tongues.
>>> -- D. "And that's a fact." W.
>>I don't want to know how you know this.
>Giraffes like marshmallows too.

Well alligators like marshmallows. I know because I fed them to an alligator once. We didn't roast them first, but we *did* feed them to it on a stick. It was a BIG alligator, too, about six or seven
feet long. Not fully grown, but definitely big enough to bite the leg off a human or break your leg with its tail.

But anyway, the story is that this alligator (they said it was a female -- I don't know how they knew) inhabited this particular lagoon that was part of a friend's property. They started feeding her marshmallows on a stick when she was little. As she grew bigger, they just kept feeding her marshmallows. I was fortunate enough to get to visit the beastie. It was weird being no more than three feet from the huge jaws of this magnificent reptile, with nothing to use in my own defense but a stick with a gooey marshmallow on the end of it. Perhaps the most amazing thing about the experience, to me, was the delicate manner in which the 'gator grasped the marshmallow between her teeth, and pulled it off the stick. I suppose she knew that if she decided to take an arm from one of the nice humans who were feeding her treats, that the whole marshmallow game would be over forever.

And that would have sucked, because if the alligator had had to get her marshmallows on her own, she would have had to go to a grocery, or at least a 7-11 store, and she wouldn't have any money, so she would have to steal them, or commit a robbery to get money to buy marshmallows.

I have no doubt that disaster was averted by a) the generosity of the friend who kept the alligator in marshmallows, and, b) the wisdom of the alligator who knew when she was getting a good deal.

>-- D. "Bet you're glad I'm not telling how I know this." W.

Aw come on! I told *my* marshmallow story, now you tell yours.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Advice for the Blonde Goddess
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2000 08:49:26 -0700

Donald Welsh made me cringe with this one:
> Did you know that red or yellow tattoos are the hardest to remove?
> http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2000/09/000901080915.htm
> -- D. "Dermabrasion. Yeow." W.

Makes you take that "Welcome to Jamaica" punchline in a new way, don't it?

---
pieceoftheuniverse - ow ow ow ow ow ow


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In case I feel like robbing you...
From: "Lord Insidious, World Dominator" <yvrorezn.voicenet.com>
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2000 16:47:26 GMT

Gordol wrote:
>There ain't nothing "theoretical" about me.

Well, *I've* never seen you


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In case I feel like robbing you...
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2000 14:19:50 GMT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>My lab-mates can tell when I'm using Scary Chemicals(tm) because I put on pants.

Your hangovers must be hell.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hello - I'm bored.
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Wed, 06 Sep 2000 14:33:52 GMT

Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> wrote:
>Chris Wesling wrote:
>> Gordol wrote:
>> > "They fight. They argue. They are ruled by passions and fears." (Grey Council #2, B5 "Babylon Squared")
>> Yup, sounds like rhod to me...
>Sounds like any kind of passionate relationship.
>I didn't think I was involved in passion with y'all here in rhod.

Are you teasing us or are we teasing you?

>I must be missing something.

Is it because you must be missing something that you have come to see me?

-- D. "RHOD = rejected, heartbroken, online, and dateless?" W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That bit between a woman's breasts...
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 6 Sep 2000 23:41:13 GMT

Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> said:
}Donald Welsh wrote:
}> Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> wrote:
}> >Owoooooo, werewolves of London.
}> I'll see your bad luck streak in dancing school and raise you an excitable boy.
}Dancing school?? Um, er...
}> -- D. "This is not my beautiful house." W.
}Then what are you doing in it?! Whoever lives there's gonna be upset when they get home.

...then Little Read Riding Whore said "oh no. You're gonna eat me, just like the story says."

}Chris W., sane as he ever was

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies take you to the river


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That bit between a woman's breasts...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 2000 08:56:33 -0400

Comrade Cici in Texas declared:
} Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
} >Did you know it's called an Intermammary Sulcus and today's the third anniversary of the glorious day when the International Federation of Associations of Anatomists finally named it?
} >I'll get the balloons.
} Am I too late for the party?

Not at all, Cici, there's plenty of intermammary sulcae (sulci? sulcuses?) for everyone!

} Bloody hell, I'm on the Cleanup Committee AGAIN?

Well if you came to the organizational meetings once in a while, you could nominate someone else.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That bit between a woman's breasts...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2000 08:02:09 -0700

Gordol's quoting himself again:
> Gordol said:
> ; "Are you not seeing me now? I would think that you see me every time we meet. Unless I have become translucent or insubstantial, and nobody has thought to inform me until now." (Amb. Delenn, B5 "Sic Transit Vir")
> HAH! My sigmonster isn't fully sentient after all. If it were, this quote would have gone on my reply to Lord Insidious!

And then his .sigmonster stated, as way of explanation:

> "Well, unlike me, the Lieutenant Commander takes a while to warm up to people, especially when she's working." (Mr. Garibaldi, B5 "Midnight on the Firing Line")

'Nuff said.

---
pieceoftheuniverse - and it's promoted itself to Lt. Commander, as well...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That bit between a woman's breasts...
From: Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com>
Date: Sat, 09 Sep 2000 16:09:33 -0500

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
>> dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>>>How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
>>>-- D. "Three." W.
>>Nah. Just one, if you know how to do it *right*.
>I like to take my time.
>-- D. "IYKWIM,AITTYD." W.

Oh, be still, my beating heart.

No, not like THAT. Rats. Something else I'm going to have to give up saying.

Pulse, let's go, pulse, baBUM baBUM baBUM. There, that's better.
--
Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2000 09:36:21 -0500

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> Comrade Andrew Comeau declared:
>} I finally got my own office a few months back* and I made a point of setting my desk up facing the door and with my back to the wall**. My extreme aversion to people looking over my shoulder (which even I can't fully explain) has been a running joke at my office.***
>Sounds like my Dad. He was deeply affected by cowboy movies, and so never sits with his back to the door in restaurants.
> JIM

My ex was freaky about sitting with his back to the door, too. But it wasn't cowboy movies that made him that way, it was his brothers.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2000 23:06:11 -0700

"Andrew Comeau" <acomeau.mfi.net> wrote:
>"Cici in Texas" <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
>> "Andrew Comeau" <acomeau.mfi.net> wrote:
>> >Well, at least the concept of bringing Seuss to Broadway can't really be any worse than bringing Rocky and Bullwinkle to the big screen .... (or the Power Rangers ... or Pokemon .... ... etc....etc ...)
>> And T.S. Eliot didn't fare so badly, either.
>I never have had the chance to see CATS live but I did rent the video that was made of it and I was impressed. In high school, my chorus group sang a medley from the play and I've always liked it since.

No! Andrew! It's a trap!

It starts with something seemingly innocuous like "Cats" or "Jesus Christ, Superstar". Then you find yourself starting on harder stuff like "Fiddler on the Roof" and "A Chorus Line". Then one afternoon you find yourself singing the theme to "Oklahoma". Next thing you know you wake up as a chorus member in "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers".

This is your brain.
This is your brain on Broadway.


Just Say No.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000 07:05:56 -0500

Robot Karate Man wrote:
} TechnoAtheist broke down the hallways shouting:
} >Next thing you know you wake up as a chorus member in "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers".
} I own all the above mentioned on video, plus the 30th anniversary edition of "My Fair Lady."
} Should I check into a rehab? Or just go right out and ask Nathan Lane for a date?

Psst. RKM. I got some "Sound of Music" and "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" vids for you. All you have to do is pass 'em around the schoolyard, and when the kids come back for more, then just remember where you got 'em.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2000 08:22:09 -0700

twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
> Cici in Texas wrote:
>> "Andrew Comeau" <acomeau.mfi.net> wrote:
>>>I never have had the chance to see CATS live but I did rent the video that was made of it and I was impressed. In high school, my chorus group sang a medley from the play and I've always liked it since.
>>I finally saw a road show of 'Cats' at the Dallas Music Hall about four years ago. It was *magnificent*. Do see it live if you get the chance to see it done professionally. It was one of the very few shows where I would have paid on the way OUT.
>But it has no plot.
>Then again neither do most musicals. Maybe that's why I don't work them.

TA: No Plot you say!
TC: No Sir, no plot!
TA: Not a lot you say!
TC: No Sir, not a lot!

[chorus of townsfolk builds singing "no plot"]

[insert stirring song & dance "No Plot" about TA & TC's wish for coherent story lines in popular music]

RKM: Balderdash!
Townsfolk: Gasp!
RKM: [Sings] When musicals started in early days,
The plots tied stories together in musical ways...
[insert stirring song & dance "Early Days" in which RKM sings the various plot lines used]

TC: Gosh, Mr. Man! I never knew! And I always thought they were just cheesy!
TA: But their the best cheesey!
TC: They're Wisconsin Cheesey!
[Townsfolk break into stirring song & dance "Wisconsin, Dairyland to America" about the wonders of cheddar and American cheeses]

TA: But I've been to musicals where the songs make no sense!
RKM: The songs always make sense!
TA: You mean songs like
[TA begins stirring song & dance "Dispenser, my love" about the wonders of scotch tape rolls]

TC: Hmm, you have a point there.
RKM: No he doesn't!
TC: Yes He Does!
Townsfolk: [alternates "No he doesn't"/"Yes he does"]
[TC & RKM begin stirring song and dance "No he Doesn't/Yes He Does" and sing their argument]

TA: WAIT!! Can't we all just get along?

[All begin stirring song and dance finale "Let's all Get along" ending with the all of the cast changing into red, white and blue spangled costumes and the Brownston Elementary School Drill Team and Baton Twirlers flinging sparklers into the air.]

[Curtain]

[Curtain call]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2000 13:35:47 -0700

Cici in Texas wrote:
> TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
> >twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
> >>But it has no plot.
> >>Then again neither do most musicals. Maybe that's why I don't work them.
> >TA: No Plot you say!
<snip the rest of TA's brilliant script. I'm calling Broadway on this one!>
> Wait a minute. That's opera.

Opera, n.
1) A warped, exceedingly twisted invention of someone smart enough not to take credit for it. Basically involving horns, breastplates, and raised voices hitting a wide variety of chords (often in the same moment), it has been known to shatter glass, render people insane, and promote long discussions involving nothing whatsoever having to do with it, but still laying claim for the ideas. Tradition dictates that pamphlets should be distributed freely just before these shows, but there is little indication of what these folded pieces of paper should say. Often random text has been thrown in the general direction of the audience, and this seems to have the same effect as a cast roster or any hint towards the possibility of some sort of plot.
2) A terribly long musical, without the dance steps. [see DULL]
--quoted from "Piece's Dictionary for Real Life," v0.3b

---
pieceoftheuniverse - dull, adj.: see OPERA.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 10:12:43 -0700

trog wrote:
> > pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> > Opera, n.
> > snip <
> > it has been known to ... render people insane, and promote long discussions involving nothing whatsoever having to do with it ...
> That's RHOD, Shirley?

No, this is RHOD:

RHOD, n.

Short for, alternatively, rec.humor.oracle.d, rec.humour.oracle.d, rancid.humour.obscure.d, and rapidly.heterotopic.oblique.d, where "d" stands for "discussion" in all cases. As one might expect, conversations in this realm have little if anything to do with one another, making following threads not merely difficult but downright impossible for the uninitiated. There have been attempts to make this newsgroup as on-topic as possible, but due to the variety of interpretations as to what the topic is in the first place, such attempts are ineffective. Regular posters have been known to rant incessantly about nothing at all, and to only post one-liners where seventeen would do far better -- and visa versa. It is a hive of sadists, geeks, losers, wannabes, incarnations, and priests ... but I repeat myself. If you hold anything at all sacred, you are warned to stay as far away as possible without actually leaving this quadrant of space; should you suddenly become inflamed over even the most trivial of matters, you will be laughed at. A lot. It is home to the most desirable of women, the lower echelons of men, and quite often they don't realize that it's not the other way around -- and I am quite proud to proclaim that I post there daily.

---
pieceoftheuniverse - if you like, though, we could slip those two sentences in there somewhere...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 11:28:04 -0700

Jim Evans pondered this one for a bit, then spake:
> Comrade pieceoftheuniverse declared:
> } RHOD, n.
<hey, it's a snip!>
> Are you writing for the galactic guide? If not, why not?
> JIM

I'm a bit disturbed that you managed to post a follow-up a good two hours before I even gave my little spiel. Could I borrow your temporal anomaly? There's a lottery ticket I want to buy...

That being the case: no, I'm not writing for the galactic guide (though I do, on very rare occasions, write for h2g2). I just wait for holes punctured in the space-time continuum, copy what I'm going to say and paste it in an "original" message delivered before the follow-up. Thus, a request to all in rhod: please leave my posts more or less intact so that I may continue to "enlighten" you.

---
pieceoftheuniverse - surfer of the chronostream.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2000 12:47:00 -0700

Cici in Texas wrote:
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> > Comrade Tim Chew declared:
> >} But it has no plot.
> >} Then again neither do most musicals. Maybe that's why I don't work them.
> >Of *course* they have no plot! You don't think people would go see a musical with a plot, do you? Or at least a coherent one? People watch musicals for the same reason they watch anime: to escape the narrow confines of a logical plot!
> So THAT's why people watch anime? It's content-free?

Actually, no. People watch anime to get off.

Think about it: what makes up the main fan-base of anime? Pent-up, two-dimensional beings with far too much time and decreasing social skills. Geeks, in other words, but not even that good; more like geeks -to- geeks. And if the stereotype is true, and geeks can't get laid if their lives depended on it, imagine how bad it is for the g^2.

*sniff* Poor li'l guys.

At any rate, that's why anime comes in distinct flavours, all wrapped up in something they laughingly call a "cartoon":
1) slim women with bodies not possible in the physical world
2) big robots
3) bigger breasts [1]
4) even bigger guns
5) nakedness
6) implied nakedness
7) overt nakedness
8) outright sex
9) other

So you can imagine the level of my distress when I realized that my girlfriend adores anime.

Ah, well. Anyone know the return policy on girlfriends? Can I exchange her even after the ninety-day period?

---
pieceoftheuniverse - who's sure quite a few things done to/with her void her guarantee...

[1] This brought to mind a scene with a well-endowed chick fighting off gigantic mechs just by rotating on her hips, bashing them to flinders. Bad Piece, bad!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2000 16:52:36 -0700

Richard Fitzpatrick shook his head and mumbled something on the order of:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote ...
> <snip>
> >So you can imagine the level of my distress when I realized that my girlfriend adores anime.
> >Ah, well. Anyone know the return policy on girlfriends? Can I exchange her even after the ninety-day period?
> This is totally irresponsible. She's had a ninety day period and you just want to dump her? At least take her to a doctor first.

Tech support, eh? Well, it's worth a shot. Let's see, I have her emergency call-out number around here somewhere...

Ah! Here it is!

*Beep-boop-boop-boop-beep-bopp-beep-boop-beep-boop-beep*

*ring*
*ring*
*ring*
*ri--

"Thank you for calling Girlfriends 'R' Nymphos, Inc. All our operators are busy. To expedite your call, please select from the following:
Press One if you have entered into an argument with your Girlfriend(TM).
Press Two if your Girlfriend(TM) has become jealous.
Press Three if you have a combination of One and Two.
Press Four if your Girlfriend(TM) is cheating on you.
Press Five if your Girlfriend(TM) is suffering from any sort of disease.
Press Six if your Girlfriend(TM) has been bleeding for ninety days or mo--"

*beep*

"Thank you. Your call has been routed to the appropriate department. Due to the fact that most men think periods are icky, no man will be available to take your call. Due to the fact that most tech support people are geeks, no woman would be caught dead amongst them, not even to help out a poor soul like yourself. So it looks like you're stuck.

"Fortunately, you do have options. Since -- obviously -- you have not been running the routine maintenance yourself, you must accept the possibility that your Girlfriend(TM) is lying to you. It is almost impossible for your Girlfriend(TM) to bleed for ninety days or more without dying, or at the very least going through the entire nation's supply of tampons. You must reason out why she is lying. Is it because you have been cruel to her, or has she just lost all interest in you and doesn't have the heart to tell you? Have you seen any other signs that maybe she's decided you're not the right Boyfriend(TM) for her? You may want to flip the 'Communication' option into the 'ON' position, and initiate a conversation.

"If you have been able to determine that what your Girlfriend(TM) is saying is true -- or, alternatively, have to call in the Biohazard Disposal Team practically every day to take out the trash -- then something is seriously wrong. Take your Girlfriend(TM) to the nearest Girlfriends 'R' Nymphos, Inc. support site and say that you have a problem. At no point state what the problem is, for the tech will no doubt squirm and attempt to run away. Once it has been isolated, however, the tech will be far too interested in a potential solution to worry about the ickyness until later, at which time he will no doubt become unusable for any future diagnosis.

"Thank you for using Girlfriends 'R' Nymphos, Inc. for all your relationship needs, and have a nice day."

*CLICK*

Well. THAT was unhelpful. Charged me $2.99 a minute, too...

---
pieceoftheuniverse - who has never even heard of the "communication" option, and didn't even know you could shut the bugger OFF, never mind -on-...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 21:22:17 -0700

pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> wrote:
>We -know- what happens to socks: they sneak away via various wormholes to find their path to all things nubby.

They are not. Socks do not mysteriously run away. They have very little motor skills.

I'll have you know that MIT (yes, that one, the same one that determined that the sauce was the hottest part of the pizza) recently finished a study to determine where missing socks go.

They set up a careful lab environment containing a mixture of various commercial and consumer grade washers and dryers. They then set about creating "careful" wash loads containing various levels of all whites (underwear/socks) washed in hot (60ºC), and "college student" loads in which everything from socks to jackets are stuffed into a washer that's set to warm (38ºC-42ºC).

They studied the results and carefully measured the amount and content of lint produced by each load level. They also adjusted the quantities of laundry, detergent, heat and fabric softener.

They're final diagnosis was that the factor responsible for "missing" socks was really not all that surprising. There's a tiny sock deamon that eats them.

Later it was discovered that the study was a fraud and that they had spent the endowment on more pizza.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 08:22:26 -0700

TechnoAtheist protested:
> Later it was discovered that the study was a fraud and that they had spent the endowment on more pizza.

AHA!

So if the study was a fraud, then the socks probably -do- just sneak away.

You'll notice that I said "sneak." This is an interesting process, and requires little, if any, movement on the part of the sock.

First of all, they're in a dryer or washer, which swishes and/or tumbles the sock round and round, so there's that bit. Little do you realize that the detergent -- and, in some cases, the dryer sheets -- are much like alcohol is to us. You may have observed that when you drink large quantities of alcohol, you have on occasion suddenly appeared in a different place and time. You did not black out, as your friends would claim, but were actually displaced through an alcohol-induced wormhole. Socks are, so far, the only form that has mastered this technique to get them where they -want- to be; rather than, say, in bed tied to two lawn ornaments and a parakeet named Phil.

---
pieceoftheuniverse - but damn it, I'll keep getting drunk 'til I can be just like a sock!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok, I'm scared for the human race again...
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 09:33:32 -0600

TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> wrote:
>>We -know- what happens to socks: they sneak away via various wormholes to find their path to all things nubby.
>They are not. Socks do not mysteriously run away. They have very little motor skills.

Ah. So they _drive_ away then, in their very little motor cars.


Kevin

ps. This post has no point, just a few rounded corners.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Unexplained URL time
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 08 Sep 2000 06:44:44 +1000

Viki wrote:
> Penii.
> I think it is a perfectly logical word, and I will use it in a sentence today if it's the last thing that I do!

"I need to penii need to do it now!"

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: get in line... :)
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com>
Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2000 17:10:02 GMT

Jim Evans wrote:
>Funny, that's exactly how I learned about hockey. Well, in a nutshell, my Dad wasn't a band director (there are no bands on the ice), but I was his only son and by gum he was going to fill me with a passion for the Game. But he was very understanding when it turned out I'd rather read Star Trek novels than watch Hockey Night in Canada :)

You could have tried to combine the two...
And the Romulans send a nasty cloaked-shot down the ice
Scotty blocks, gives to Spock, passes it down ice to Kirk, he shoots! He scores!
of course, then the Klingons show up and enslave the whole stadium.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Whatever happened to...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 13:49:15 -0700

Ian Davis was unable to contain himself, so he exploded with this one:
> Jim Evans wrote:
> > } dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies presume it's more fun than thesisizing
> > Yeah, but so's a six foot french fry up your butt.
> I'll have to bow to your greater experience on that one.

You haven't lived 'til you've had a six-foot french fry up your rear. Have you ever seen those "special tools" shoe shops have that will slightly extend the toes in footwear, thus allowing those self-conscious people to get away with a slightly smaller shoe size? Same principle. Frozen french fries are the best, of course, since if you put a cooked one in it tends to hurt a bit more. The freezer burn will at least numb the pain.

---
pieceoftheuniverse - you too can be over six feet tall! Call today!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Whatever happened to...
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 08:29:26 -0700

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Otis Viles said:
>; And now, having read that, I'm wondering again why it IS that I listen to Marilyn Manson ...
>I'd like to know why people listen to Macy Gray, she of the killer billboards. I was scanning stations in my car earlier today, and flipped into a station just as the DJ was announcing the next song. He said it was Macy Gray's newest album, so I decided to see what all the hoopla was about.
>Well, after about a half minute, my head was about to explode, I needed to replace my speakers, and my ears are +still+ ringing. And this was at a +low+ volume. I was reminded of that scene in "Goldeneye" when James Bond asks, "Who is that strangling the cat?"
>Gah.

It's a little known fact that Macy Gray is actually the product of two of the members of the former group avant garde jazz group "Art of Noise". Her 'voice' is actually a synthetic mix of several hand tools and an upright vacuum cleaner. They discovered that power tools could mimic human voice when they were experimenting at a Sears outlet.

Macy Gray's popularity can be traced to aficionados of Saw Music and metal grinders. These are the same folks that speak fondly of the dynamic range of STOMP. It was hoped that by generating damaging mid-range tones, the fans of such "music" would be rendered deaf and therefore harmless to the public at large.

It was hoped that this effort would follow up the final stages of the Urban Hip Hop exercise in which subjects configure their vehicles with a great deal of low frequency gear. Eventually the goal in that experiment is to release a hit record that has a bass line exactly at the resonance point of a human skull (and thus both isolating and removing annoying people in one fell swoop).

Sadly it was realized that the target demographic had a significantly reduced cranial "bell" and that the frequency was somewhat higher. The tonal rates have been altered slightly to accommodate. (See Project "Spears, Britny")


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: rec.HUMOR.oracle.d?
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 13:50:46 +1000

No more whining now I mean it!!!!!!
I'm wearing a VERY large hat.
In fact it's SO enormous
You can't tell if I'm thin or fat.

My horse of course is Rusty -
He's made from old motor-car.
He used to be a battleship
Once launched by a former Czar.

I wear pyjamas in the daytime -
When I'm up in my hot air balloon.
I take whisky on my cornflakes -
And I like to rise about noon.

And when I'm up above the world
With my horse, admiring the view -
Well - I like to take some readings
and drop a bomb or two.

Oh - nothing large I assure you -
Just bombs of the smaller kind
Full of nudist leanings
That I drop on whoever I find.

Popes or princes - I don't care -
They're all the same without underwear.
Old maids, models - off it comes -
All jiggling jellies and jouncing bums.

Across the rooftops - over the trees -
Dropping my bombs wherever I please...
Little towns, hamlets - whole great countries -
Nowhere is safe from my bombs and me.

So should you, one day, while you're down the road
Suddenly find yourself all unclothed -
Well - look up and wave - it'll be horsie and I -
Merrily dropping bombs as we sail by.

PANTS OFF!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: VIKI the Blonde Goddess
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 09:44:02 -0500

Andrew Comeau wrote:
> "Robot Karate Man" wrote in message
> > "Andrew Comeau" wrote:
> > >> >ewwwwww.... replying to "Tipper Gore" in a post about cramps is .... eerily compelling....
> > >> So *that's* why she was wiggling around so weird at the acceptance speech. And here we thought she was just a rhythmless white-chick trying to dance.
> > >It was Al's influence throwing her off ...
> > Oh yeah, I forgot about Al the love muffin.
> That's okay ... he's pretty forgettable - at least I hope so ...

Sob, snuffle, sniff.

You could at least wait until after I've gone.

-- Al, the Love Muffin.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: VIKI the Blonde Goddess
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 12:18:20 -0400

Andrew Comeau wrote:
} It was Al's influence throwing her off ...

Must... resist.... must.... AAGH!

That's the trouble with Tipper's dancing: she doesn't have the right Al Gore-rhythm.

JIM, there. I said it and I'm not sorry.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: JIM
From: DomoArigatoMrRoboto.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man)
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 15:04:30 GMT

TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>>Since when has RHOD rebuffed dripping sarcasm?
>Well we wouldn't have to if you didn't get your greasy finger prints all over it.

Sorry, I had fried chicken.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Monty Python
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 13 Sep 2000 00:44:52 GMT

Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> said:
>Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>>Done and done. It's still not telling me what everyone's Organizations are (nosy nosy nosy), but maybe now I can ahbou. Mwa ha ha...
>As if anyone here would say anything funny.

'snot AH_F_OU, Paul.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wish dan would just blow his nose


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Monty Python
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 16:48:33 -0700

"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like drinking in elevators

Yes, you too can join in the pastime sweeping the globe!

Introducing: Drinking Games for Dummies!

Chapter One: Elevator Goes UP, take a shot.
Chapter Two: Elevator Goes DOWN, take a shot.
Chapter Three: Elevator Stops, take a shot.
Chapter Four: Learning what the term "shot" means in relation to drinking, as opposed to, say, hunting.
Chapter Five: Why Chapter Four Isn't Chapter One.

Call today!

---
pieceoftheuniverse - simple minds, simple planet...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Birthday buddies
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2000 06:38:19 +1000

Al Sharka wrote:
> (Almost) ignoring the tyop, I just want to know what language has "nude" spelt "backwards". Oz, perhaps?

No, we're upside down compared to you. We spell it "apnu."

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: My Boston Trip
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 16:38:34 GMT

Al Sharka wrote:
> Barry O'Neill wrote:
> } Crikey.
> Speaking of Steve the looney, has anyone else seen his Fed Ex commercial yet? Signs that it's time to quit watching TV:

Don't tell me - he shoves his thumb up the DIDDLY delivery guy's bum just to see how mad he gets.

"Waow! Look it THIT! He's mid awlright! Look it him MOVE!"

> 10) The commercials are often more entertaining than the shows.

The OSDs are more entertaining than the shows.

> 9) Oh, wait. That's been the case for decades.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fantasy Hockey
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2000 10:43:04 -0700

Robot Karate Man pontificated:
> Hey, I'm thinking of creating a fantasy hockey league on the Yahoo boards. I was wondering if anyone here wanted to get in on it.

For some odd reason, I'm imagining a fantasy team, made up of various MUD characters, meeting on the ice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BRAIN~INTERRUPT~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Announcer #1: Welcome, sports fans, to the five-millionth game ever of MUD Hockey!
Announcer #2: Wow, five million games, and no one's ever won a single match. That's -got- to be some kind of record.
A#1: Well the fans are certainly lapping it up. There's certainly no shortage of action on the ice!
A#2: That's right! The game hasn't even started yet, and we've already had three players put in the penalty box for icing!
A#1: Here come the remaining players, lining up for the first drop of the puck ... the Demon Elves vs. the Dragon Kin ... and there's the drop!
[loud cheering in background, along with a lot of <SFX>WHAP!</SFX>]
A#1: The Elves take advantage of the power play and snatch the puck from the claws of forty-eight. Thirty-two and seventeen are dribbling down the ice, with forty-eight and quite a few of his friends right on their tails -- they're at the goal, and Thirty-two's going to --
A#2: Ooooh, that's gotta hurt. Eaten alive just before he could make the critical shot.
A#1: The referee's not calling anything -- he -had- to see that!
A#2: Play's continuing, with the Kin in full position of the puck.
A#1: The Elves' coach is absolutely livid; he's asking the referee for permission to clear the blood and clothes off the ice...
A#2: The Kin are in full heat now, making the ice almost slush beneath their feet. The Demon Elves can't seem to get close enough to take the puck, and they're bearing down on the goal -- SCORE!
[<SFX>HOOOOOOOOOOOONK!</SFX>]
A#1: First score of the season, and back the players go to the middle line. It looks like the Elves have called in their star player, number twenty-two, a warrior elf from one of the outer kingdoms.
A#2: Is that a sword he's got strapped to his back?
A#1: Yes, and I believe thirty-two was one of his best friends--
A#2: Brother; he was his brother.
A#1: Right; at any rate, look's like some blood's going to be spilled tonight!
A#2: The referee has just dropped the puck and ducked out of the way as the Kin once again assert control over the ice. Goes to forty-eight, then sixty-three, then back to forty-eight -- oh, nice deflection by the Elves goalie, right into the waiting stick of twenty-two. Twenty-two makes his way around the goal, and starts heading down the ice.
A#1: It looks like forty-eight has spotted him for who he is, and is brewing for a little trouble. That guy has no chance against that monster!
A#2: Twenty-two seems to realize he's caught forty-eight's attention -- what's he doing? He's left the puck!
A#1: He's dropped his stick and pulled out his sword!
A#2: The referee's calling for both to stop--
A#1: --and is burned alive by forty-two's flame breath.
A#2: Ah, well, it was only a referee...
A#1: Twenty-two's really going at it with that sword! Who knew any of the Elves could fight this well, especially on the ice!
A#2: The Kin are big, but far too slow; it looks like this is going to cost them.
A#1: No, it won't -- the rest of the team has joined, and twenty-two is outnumbered! He's looking around, looking for some avenue of escape, but still keeping his sword raised...
A#2: Where are the other Elves?
[<SFX>HOOOOOOOOOOOONK!</SFX>]
A#1: What was that?
A#2: The Elves have scored a goal!
A#1: Absolutely brilliant! The ol' bait and switch!
A#2: The Kin are pretty upset -- it doesn't look like twenty-two's going to make it out of this one...
A#1: Forty-eight's cut up pretty bad, and the new referee's too frightened to go anywhere near them...
A#2: Someone's just charged out of the Elves' box! The referee's trying to push him back, saying there are too many on the ice!
A#1: Now the Kin are coming out of -their- box! It looks like it's going to be a rumble!
[<SFX>CREEEEEEEEK</SFX>]
A#2: Was that what I think it was?
[<SFX>CREEEEEEEEK</SFX>]
A#1: There are too many players on the ice, alright! The Dragon Kin weigh as much as ten dwarves each! That's far too much weight!
[<SFX>CREEEEEEEEK</SFX>]
A#2: The ice is beginning to crack! The Dragon Kin are attempting to fly, but they've had their wings clipped for the game! It looks like it's all over for both them -and- the Demon Elves!
[<SFX>CREEEEEEEE--CRACK!POP!</SFX>]
A#1: There they go!
[<SFX>SNAP!CRACK!CREEEEE-SPLASH!</SFX>]
A#2: And down go both teams!
A#1: Someone get a medic in there before they freeze to death!

~~~~~~~~END~OF~BRAIN~INTERRUPT~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

---
pieceoftheuniverse - or maybe it's just me. Yes, that seems more likely.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fantasy Hockey
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Date: Sat, 16 Sep 2000 10:38:52 +1000

'Jim Evans' wrote:
>And yes, I know that there's two billion people in China and India who don't give a rat's hindquarters, but it's not American! Actually, I always thought Australians would be good at hockey. They seem to have the correct attitude.

Of course we are.

The city of Darwin is located so close to the equator as not to matter. It's winters are hot and its summers are bloody hot. The only ice you ever see is made at great expense, and is used to cool your Scotch & Dry.

It is therefor the perfect location for the Australian World Champion Ice Hockey Team.
The team headquarters are a lavishly appointed outhouse situated on a sand dune near the beach, and the team meets once a week to discuss whose turn it is to buy the beers. Training consists of regular elbow exercise, complemented by walks from the blanket to the eskie (cooler).

It is considered improper to discuss the rules of hockey and outsiders might think that no one even knows them. This is of course, incorrect. The team is expert on the rules... well some anyway... one in particular, really.

Each year, at the end of the season. the Darwin team issues a challenge to the top team in the world, to play a grand final against them. There is only a small condition, and that is that the match must be played in Darwin.

So far, no team has ever accepted the challenge. Therefore the Darwin team claims the World Champion title by forfeit.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fantasy Hockey
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 18 Sep 2000 01:34:14 GMT

TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> said:
>Dammit, now I have to be concerned about our election!!

Try some Viagla?

dan, whose blight led Siamese fighting fishies with they could lecall the "Yale" joke


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fantasy Hockey
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000 00:24:17 -0400

Comrade Fierce Cookie wrote:
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> >Comrade Viki wrote:
> >> ... speaking of, there was an article in my daily paper about a week ago about how so many Canadians think of themselves as living in something akin to the 51st state, and how they aren't bothered by that notion anymore. Talked also about the "brain drain" to the U.S. and the lack of any sort of Canadian self image, other than as an anti-American.
> >Don't get me started. We'll be here all night.
> Look, you sound rather anti-American. That's quite alright, if you're an American, since we have freedom of speech and all that. But if you're a FOREIGNER on our border, voicing anti-American sentiment, then you're a threat, and you will be dealt with accordingly. And of course, the easiest way for us to deal with you is to make you one of us. So welcome to the U.S. of A. Please pick up your pistol at Window 4, and choose a rifle from one of the bins at Gate 10. I see you have your pod already, so you should be set to go.

There'd be lots of advantages to moving to the U.S. - higher salary, stronger currency, thousands more TV channels.

What'd really suck is the lobotomy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fantasy Hockey
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000 00:20:56 -0400

Comrade Robot Karate Man wrote:
> Was reading an article not too long ago about a movement afoot to unite Mexico, the US, and Canada under one government, and all I could think was, "Great, *now* where is Quebec gonna go?"

That'd be easy, actually. Think about it, four countries under an EU-like government wouldn't be any harder than three.

> Incidentally, the article mentioned something I found rather humorous (although I've been told the offending $2 bills are supposed to no longer be in circulation). Seems the Canadian $2 bill has a pic of her royal stodginess with the Parliament Building in the background. Onliest thing was that the flag flying over the building was the US flag.

Heh. That's one of the few native Canadian Urban Myths. It's not the Stars 'n' Stripes, it's the Red Ensign, our old "colonial" flag. (One could argue that isn't really any better...) The flag *does* look a lot like the US flag at first glance, though, because there was a grain in the paper that made it look like it had stripes, and the Union Jack in the upper-left quarter sort of blurs together and looks like a solid field with white dots in it.

JIM

--
"In 2101, Toronto was chosen as the Capitol of the North American Union. In many ways it was a very good choice; few Canadians would tolerate being governed from an American city; most Americans didn't mind a Canadian city as long as they'd heard of the place and it had a few Wal-Marts; and none of the Mexicans cared as long as the money kept flowing south and someone in the place spoke tolerable Spanish. The only ones who objected were the Quebecois, but nobody listened to them as they never bothered joining in the first anyway."
-- "The Chap from Tomorrow", Episode 3?, The Files of Hydrogen Guy


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: query
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 15 Sep 2000 23:02:23 GMT

Robot Karate Man <DomoArigatoMrRoboto.steveo.cjb.net> said:
>Nah, I'll just send Vinnie "Da Capper" over to Pittsburgh to have a word with her.

Speaking of Pitt, I was driving near there last weekend (sorry, didn't have time for a drink with whomever's there), whereupon I passed a sign on the PA Turnpike warning "Overhead steel erection—expect delays".

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies nearly had an accident while trying to picture it


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: query
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 10:48:35 +1000

sid wrote:
> The offer still stands. I'm a 2nd kyu in karate as well.

Heh. Novice. I'm a far kyu.

Ian.


From: Jim Evans (jevans.physics.uottawa.ca)
Subject: Re: Intermission
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/09/28

Comrade Ian.Davis wrote:
> Dear all,
> I'm away for the next week on another quick visit to NYC, arriving Friday evening. There is the distant possibility of occasional free time, particularly over the weekend. If any rhodites are interested perhaps in catching up, send me an email, but I'm not yet sure how much time I will have.

Bon voyage, Comrade Davis! If there's any chance of your keepers bringing you to Ottawa, let me know, and we'll organize a proper civil response.

JIM, here comes that bear again...



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