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2001 12 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Violated
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Sat, 15 Dec 2001 22:09:09 -0000

Jim Menard (jimm.io.com) wrote:
> Hetta <hetta_k.jippii.fi> writes:
>> dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>> > Or snug as a bug in a rug?
>> And if it gets affectionate, is it a hugging snug bug in a rug?
> If I carry the whole thing away, am I lugging a hugging snug bug in a rug?

If Gen. MacArthur was uninterested in seeing you dance while doing this, would Doug shrug while you jitterbug and lug a hugging snug bug in a rug?

From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
And if a photographer was present, would the lugged hugging snug bug in a rug mug as you jitterbug and Doug shrugs?
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
deep breath...
If a public relations expert was there, would s/he plug the lugged snug bug in a rug that had mugged the shutterbug or your jitterbug while Doug shrugs?
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
And if someone handed this PR expert a medicated beverage, would s/he chug the drug after the plug for the lugged snug bug in a rug that had mugged the shutterbug while you jitterbugged and Doug shrugged?
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
If the medicine was in a large bottle with a narrow mouth, would that make it a jug drug chug after the plug for the lugged hugging snug bug in a rug that had mugged the shutterbug while you jitterbugged and Doug shrugged?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who wants one?
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Wed, 19 Dec 2001 03:31:49 -0000

davehinz.spamcop.net (davehinz.spamcop.net) wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>> Fierce Cookie said:
>> ; "And finally, you must bone the tallest tree in the forest...WITH A HERRING!"
>> Who here has "MP&THG" on DVD? If so, have you seen the "Extras" yet?
> Hm. Sounds like something I need to buy. What are the "extras", please?

One of them is alternate subtitles for people who don't like the movie. It replaces the movie's script with something from Shakespeare.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who wants one?
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sat, 29 Dec 2001 13:29:00 -0600

TimC wrote:
} The next month or so - be very very surprised if I write at all - I am going on a month long hiking trip overseas.... to Tasmania (well, over strates, anyway!)

Well, it has to be said, obvious as it is...

Have a good walk. I hope your Jesus boots are sharkproofed.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting....
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 20 Dec 2001 02:02:53 +1100

Fierce Cookie schrieb:
>Screwtape wrote:
>> Screwtape,
>> ...whose Apple Pro Keyboard spends its days plugged into an Athlon running W2K.
>Oh, you do know how to torture your hardware, don't you?

Poor keyboard. : (

Cici in Texas

Skip this bit if you need a laugh - it's the Rhodent tribute to Cici in Texas.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Awful news...
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.despam.webone.com.au>
Date: Tue, 18 Dec 2001 12:33:22 +1100

Please see http://groups.google.com:

From: Cici in Texas (cclovis.mindspring.com)
Subject: Cici in Texas
Newsgroups: alt.child-support
Date: 2001-12-15 16:19:04 PST

This is John, Cici's son. Today is my 21'st birthday..Say happy birthday everyone.

Today, December 15th, 2001, Cici, my mom, passed away in her sleep. They think that she had a heart attack while sleeping sometime after 4am this morning (always was a night owl). She was 45.

I'm not really sure how much she related to you in these newsgroups, but I know that she took a lot of enjoyment from the things she read here, and considered you her friends. I'm not entirely sure why I am posting this message, as I am pretty numb right now, I just thought it should be posted.

Go find someone you love. Your mom, your sister, your kids, your friends.. anybody that you love unconditionally, and hug the holy crap out of them. Tell them that you love them, and that you cherish their company, because it could all go away like a candle in a strong breeze.
Cici in Texas e-mail: cclovis at mindspring dot com

Somehow, this is everything I was afraid it would be.

This has just destroyed me. Please excuse me, I'm crying now.

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies' world is less bright today
From: Hetta <hetta_k.jippii.fi>
Me too.
From: Viki <vvidt.netscape.net>
My word. I'm speechless. And please pass the tissues.
Cici, I hope you are in a better place now, free from hurt and always laughing.
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Could somebody *please* shoot the sigmonster?
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies always wonder what other froups RHODents live and lurk in
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
She was such a kind heart. We were lucky to know her.
Withing I could go to a thwap meet with Thithi in Tekthath.
From: Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu>
What FC said. Cici was one of the rhodites who asked after me when those planes hit that building down the street a few months back. It meant a lot to hear from her...
God bless Cici, and all of you too. you are a true community and true friends.
From: Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org>
Oh, my. I think I'll join you.
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Goodbye, Carol.
-- Al "I 'ardly knew 'er"
From: Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
I think Richard said it all.
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Part of me doesn't know what to say. In a year full of darkness, the world lost another light.

Part of me sends my prayers to John and all of Cici's family. Their loss is far more than any that we may feel.

And part of me is realizing that the food in Heaven just got a LOT better.

From: GW De Lacey <georgew.locall.aunz.com>
Like you said...

Gee, I knew her well.
Yet we never met.
A sad day for her family and her many friends, of whom we of the Internet are just a few. She'll be missed for a long time.

From: davehinz.spamcop.net
That's what I was trying to say, I think. I'm greatly saddened, and I hardly knew here - I just got (back) here.

Rest easy, Cici in Texas.

From: Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com>
/me too
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Well ... damn.

This has a definite unreality about it. I mean, I just read one of her posts (the curse and the blessing of being behind in the froup). That kind of temporal backdating can really mess with your mind.

She'll always be with us, as long as we keep the back-posts on our hard drives and can grep Google for her words o'wisdom.

pieceoftheuniverse - merry Christmas, In Texas family. {{{hug}}}

From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
My heart is heavy. Goodbye, Cici.
From: Malcolm Pack <Never_Read.email.com>
Ave atque vale.
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
I never met her, but she was a friend of mine. Clearly, people the whole world over will miss her.
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
This is quite a shock. It won't be the same around here.
From: kimberly.kimberlychapman.com (Kimberly Chapman)
I loaded my email on Sunday and saw her name and thought, "Hey that's cool, I haven't heard from her for awhile. She musta been catching up in rhod and saw that I asked how she was a month or two ago."

Imagine my shock to find the email was from her friend, going through her address book and emailling everyone in it to let them know that Cici had passed away in her sleep. A very kind and no doubt heartbreaking action by that friend.

Cici was a wonderful person. Even though I didn't talk to her much lately since I've been out of rhod, she remains in my heart a friend I could commiserate with about know-nothing doctors and the perils of poorly understood illnesses. She was light-hearted even when talking of her own pains. She will be missed.

From: tklosterman2.unl.edu (Tracie)
Excuse me, I need to go hug my kids. All my prayers...
From: TimC <tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au>
Wow, this thread is getting wide.
I just realised how much a community we all are. And how the net is our lives. I don't have many friends out of the net-world (hell, I am just about to move between two major cities in a month or so - I have to start the whole damn process again), but I sure as hell have friends in the net - and when I pass on, I hope someone does what John did.
Rest in Peace, Cici.
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgray2.kc.rr.com>
Amen. On a related note, I was trying to pull up a song from my record library, but there was a problem playing the record (the record was scratched), and was wondering whether any of the rhodents currently assembled are members of any file-swapping services? I am having a real need to hear "Don't Bother With White Satin" from the Seldom Scene. It makes a great eulogy-type tune. Last few lines read (as I recall, haven't heard it in a while)
"As I traveled in my mind and reached the stars as they came near,
felt a universal beauty and it's banished all my fear
name me anywhere you will, and I'll still be part of you
So don't bother with white satin when my old blue jeans will do."
If anyone digs it up and emails it to me, I will be very grateful. Beautiful song, on the best album (Act III, for those that know or care) that band ever did. The bass player was pretty good, too.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: exmas suck
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Tue, 18 Dec 2001 15:42:33 GMT

A group of red and white monkeys with subpoenas claiming to be Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu> wrote:
>Holy sh*t ... "exmas"? That's what I get for posting before I drink my coffee. Have fun, everyone...

*Thud* Ho-Ho-Ho! Oooh, Milk and Cookies. Yum! Mmmm... Mmm?

Dear Santa,
Merry Christmas, I hope that you are feeling very jolly and had a nice ride. Thank you for coming to my house.
You are hereby notified that a petition for divorce has been filed...

Ho-ho-oh sh..

Oh, great, and she's leaving me stuck with the elves.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: exmas suck
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 19 Dec 2001 18:09:12 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> said:
> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.despam.webone.com.au> wrote:
>> Kinda like chancres at Channukah and rashes during Ramadan etc.
>> Any others?
>Priapism on President's day.

Why wait for a holiday? You can have Mononucleosis on Monday or tuberculosis on Tuesday.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies know a thing or two about medicine

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 19 Dec 2001 15:47:15 -0700

Robot Karate Man said:
> Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
>> Happy hanukkah, Carla (and the rest of the judeorhodents.
>> Merry Christmas to the christianrhodents
>> Happy Solstice to those rhodents so inclined.
>> And just in case there are any Afro-American rhodents, Happy Kwanzaa
>> I detest the generic "happy Holidays" It's kinda like getting personal correspondence sent bcc.
>> If I missed anyone's holiday, let me know, and I'll submit an addendum.
>"Happy Holidays" works perfectly well for those of us in a state of religious transition.

By a strange coincidence, December 24th is the 341,235th anniversary of the invention of the wheel. Be sure to wish everyone you know a happy Wheel Day, and celebrate by making little circles in the snow [1].

There's a rumour that the twenty-sixth has something to do with the invention of the box, but no one on this side of the 45th parallel has any idea which anniversary it is.

pieceoftheuniverse - those Canadians are all weirdos anyway. The Alaskans, too.

[1] If you don't have any snow, make little circles in your mind.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 27 Dec 2001 17:35:00 GMT

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
>Ian Davis wrote:
>> Carla or Viki may correct me...
>I always thought that Ian was into spanking.
>Viki, I'm not wearing the chains this time, tho

Gives new meaning to "you have mail", eh?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder how that AOL-voice knew

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: LOTR - FOTR
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2001 09:40:02 +1100

davehinz.spamcop.net schrieb:
>GW De Lacey <georgew.locall.aunz.com> wrote:
>> A 'must see', from all accounts,
>OK, I'm about to ruffle some feathers here. I found the books to be tedious, and never could get through them. I can count on one hand the number of books I've felt this way about, and 3 of them are the trilogy. And I've tried twice.

Don't worry, Dave - we're a pretty tolerant lot around here. There's a guy in afda who repeatedly professes his distaste for the Greatest Work Of Fantasy In All Time, and he doesn't end up in thumbscrews more than, oh, two or three times a week.

We're practically humane.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: And you thought the priests had it rough...
From: google.unitedheroes.net (TechnoAtheist)
Date: 20 Dec 2001 13:06:10 -0800


World's Funniest Joke Revealed After Internet Vote

And the winner?

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

Of 10,000 jokes submitted, that was the winner.


I fear what the other 9,999 were like.

From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
I fear anyone who thinks the Internet can vote.
From: twchew.mindspring.com (Tim Chew)
Why not? It's over eighteen, isn't it?
(That would explain the amalgamous mass at the precinct last fall.)
From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
How old is the Internet, in Internet years?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: ...and no stealing paperclips from the cabinet!
From: google.unitedheroes.net (TechnoAtheist)
Date: 21 Dec 2001 15:38:57 -0800

Yes, please, come in. Oh, and close the door.

We're on a tight schedule, so I'll cut to the chase.

I've been reviewing your performance, and I have to admit that I am sorely disappointed in you. A fair number of us had really been looking forward to you, but frankly, it seems like it's been one disappointment after another.

Sure, there have been a few bright spots, but let's start at the beginning shall we?

Ok, things started off on the wrong foot with that whole election nonsense which your predecessor screwed up, plus the sagging economy all over, and I'm not blaming you for either of those.

So, let's look at February. Foot and Mouth disease? You basically had most of Britain killing off their livestock. Now granted, anyone who's eaten one of their steaks is probably a bit thankful, but really...

Then there was the whole cloning and stem cell research which turned into a far uglier mess than it really should have.

Oh yes, Chandra Levy and the Congressman. Granted it was a bit dodgy, but it wasn't very creative either, was it? I mean the past two had famous unresolved murders, but did you really feel that was necessary?

Then in June, McVeigh was executed, the Middle East gets even worse, the US backs out of both the ballistic missile treaty, and the Kyoto Accords, and a bunch of psychotic wackos hijack planes and take out the World Trade Center, portions of the Pentagon and (in balance with the other two) a small field in Pennsylvania, which causes the government of the last surviving world power to go absolutely nuts.

And don't even get me started on all the folks that passed on this year.

Look, I know that this is the holiday season, but I'm sorry this is truly less than acceptable performance. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to let you go early.

Yes, I'm well aware that you still have ten days left on your contract, but in lieu of your past performance, I feel that it is well warranted.

We'll be sending our benefits package to you directly, Oh, wait no, that's right, you also managed to get biological contaminants in our mail system as well. Well, I guess it might take a bit to get that packet to you.

Oh stop sniveling and take it like a year. 2001, you screwed up, big time. You never brought us personal space craft, or servant robots, or automatic sidewalks or any of the cool stuff you had on your resume.

Ok, big deal, you brought us "the Segway", and a bunch of good movies, and a couple of game consoles, but considering what else you managed to drop, they hardly balance out.

Look maybe I'll put a word in for you. I've asked security to escort you out.

Hi? 2002? Take a seat. Thanks for coming in a bit early. We're really looking forward to working with you. Can you start Monday?

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
'k. So I'm really drunk right now, so I haver no idea what you're winging on about, gbut that's never stoppped my from posting before, so like *hello* it's not even Octover 1993? Or 5762, I'm not sure whi9ch.

dan, whose brigh rted Siamese fihgting fishjies need more nog

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Scenes from a Mall
From: Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Sat, 22 Dec 2001 10:41:11 -0000

Ok, not really a "mall," but a McDonalds in a mall.

So we walk in, preparing to make that all-important decision: which McDonalds food-like item will hurt my stomach the least? Just as we walk in the door, an old man runs over to us, points out our shoes, and yells, "NNnnngnnn Thannnngnnngn!!" and then ran out the door.

Then, we're sitting there eating our meal, and we fall into one of those silences that happens when you hang out with people too much and they've heard all your good stories. Just as we fall silent, we overhear the following conversation from the booth behind me, which I now reproduce for your amusement (the conversation, not the booth)

Person #1: Oh God, man. I really appreciate you taking me out.

Person #2: No sweat man.

Person #1: No really, I haven't eaten anything all day except cold macaroni.

Person #2: Really? Why?

Person #1: Because that's all I had in the house. I cooked mac'n'cheese last night and put the left overs in the fridge, so today they were all cold.

Person #2: Oh. So why didn't you heat it up again?

Person #1: Because I don't have a microwave.

Person #2: Oh.

Person #1: Yeah.

Person #2: That sucks.

Person #1: Yeah.

Person #2: You should get a microwave.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Merry holiday-type thingie
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Wed, 26 Dec 2001 22:48:15 -0600

Ian Davis wrote:
} (Tim Chew) wrote:
} > Of course being oblivious to this, Kristin ans I subjected ourselves to a more person type of terror, and we had dinner with Ian, who (despite what the police blotters say) is a very nice and personable man.
} Unless, of course, someone mistypes the name of Phillip Island on their photo website, in which case the headaches start again, pounding and *pounding* and POUNDING and I just HAVE TO HIT SOMETHING...

You have no idea how much time I just wasted typing variations of "Phillip Island" into google until I realized that you typed "photo" and not "porno".

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Christmas time, is here...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Tue, 25 Dec 2001 08:15:21 GMT

I don't think Santa likes me anymore.

I just kind of figured that Santa must be getting a bit old lately, and since my chimney would be a tight fit even for a squirrel, it wouldn't hurt if I just kind of added a bit of lubrication to the sides. So I just smeared a bit of a mixture of petrolium jelly, WD-40 and graphite on the lining of the shaft.

Well, that got me thinking that he might get confused (what with the advanced age and all, and accidentally take the wrong turn and wind up in my sewer system. So to help guide him on his way, I installed a bit of a magnetic coil system to help guide him along. Unfortunately, the only system I had on hand was some leftovers they had over at the Stanford Linear Accelerator Center. So I kinda wired them up and got them going pretty good. I guess my first tip off was the fact that most of the lights in the neighborhood dimmed, but I guess I just kind of ignored it.

I really don't know what happened next. I remember waking up and vaguely hearing hoofbeats on my roof, and then this muffled sound, but when I woke up this morning. There was no evidence that santa had come. The cookies and milk was untouched, and there were no presents under my tree. The only things that were unusual were that most of my living room is covered in bits of red and white material (mostly red) and there's this huge dent in the bottom of my hearth.

Funny thing is that he left his sleigh...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: happy holiday-type stuff
From: David McAuliffe <wondergibbon.optusnet.com.au>
Date: Wed, 26 Dec 2001 20:10:23 +1000

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgray2.kc.rr.com> wrote:
>Just read about the wildfires raging down under, lending spectacular sunsets to both Christmas and Boxing Day. Here's hoping that the rhodents here assembled aren't getting screwed up or burned out, and that y'all got everything you hoped for. I'll be along later, I have to go read "Long Dark Teatime of the Soul" now.

It is a bit after 4 in the afternoon. I live in Manly, which for those of you who don't know is bordered by Sydney Harbour on one side, and the Pacific Ocean on the other. Someone has to do it, I guess.

I have just returned from a walk.

It stuck me how dim it was. It was like the sun was past the verge of setting, but that was not due to happen for hours. Indeed, a blood-red disc hung high in the thick haze roughly where the sun would have on a normal day, valiantly struggling to have any impact at all, and losing gracefully. There are fires to the south and the west of the city, and a prevailing sou 'wester is bringing the smokey haze and that eery red glow.

The southern side of the harbour, not that far away from where I stood really, was nothing more than a grey skyline silhouette of buildings against a grey sky. Normally even in the haze of a hot day, the glint of summer reflecting off glass makes its presence known to the casual observer. Not today. Summer is not always a joy. Sometimes it is a threat. And in a city circled by national parks, and with a high proportion of bushland threading through the city onto the harbour foreshores, danger can be from within beauty.

Even the Harbour itself was a dull grey, as if not trying to draw attention to itself lest it incur the wrath of whatever force lurks nearby.

And out to sea, the same haze was present, circling us in some emotional siege, an ever present reminder of the fragility of it all. As the evening wears on the sou-wester will be replaced by the normal nor' eastern sea breeze, and blow it back onto us.

It is not as bad as the fires of '94 (said the Old Timer), when there was a claustrophobic ceiling not of haze but of solid smoke over the city and the occasional drift of ash. But that is saying that losing a leg below the knee is not quite as bad as losing one above the knee. There is tragedy happening, and this time it is not a world away.

The mood is definitely subdued. Even the children sense that this glow about us is not quote right. It is not like Christmas. It is just... Subdued.

Tonight, if it were not washed out by the ever present electric glow of Civilisation and its Big Cities, the horizon would lightly glow with the reminder that there are bigger things than us around here. But civilisation will turn on the lights and miss the message.

Most of all, though, what alerted me was the faintest smell of burning eucalyptus. No matter how faint, it is the smell of home for almost all Australians. I was born in a place called Wee Waa in the bush, and spent much of my adolescence around another city/bush fringe called Camden. I intimately familiar with the smell. It is the smell of summer. It is the smell of campfires. It is also the smell of bushfire, and it is a reminder that even home can sometimes be inhospitable.

Yes, some people have lost their homes. But with a typical attitude, they say that after this fire, it can't happen again for at least another five years, so they'll rebuild. Time to start planning again. That is why they try to control the fire these days, not extinguish, because it is part of nature. Let nature trim it all back.

And, best of all, while there have been a few injuries, there's been nothing serious, and no loss of life.

Life will go on. Like it did in 97, and 94, and every time before that. That is the nature of the human spirit.

You owe the Oracle a quiet contemplative moment with the deity or non deity of your choice. Ask for the safety of all who are compromised in such a beautiful world, no matter what their race, colour, creed or location.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: happy holiday-type stuff
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 28 Dec 2001 17:14:35 GMT

Lane Gray, Czar Castic <cgray2.kc.rr.com> said:
>Just read about the wildfires raging down under,


And what about that burning sensation every time the firemen try to use their hoses?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder why Moses would talk to a burning bush

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