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2001 12 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 06 Dec 2001 14:07:46 GMT

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>Ken Adams said:
>; <davehinz.spamcop.net> muttered:
>; > Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>; > > Viki said:
>; > > ; *boggle*
>; > > *scrabble*
>; > *go!*
>; *Uno!*
>*Monopoly*

*Poker*

Er, I don't even ... uh, never mind.

*Spades*


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Mon, 10 Dec 2001 11:18:40 GMT

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>*I* just went to N'awlins.
>Viki, going out on a limb here

What an interesting place to have a date.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting....
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 23:11:05 -0000

Jeffrey Kaplan (postmaster.gordol.org) wrote:
> Rhodnius said:
> ; Upgrade the second to Opera 6.0 posthaste.
> Opera 6.0 keeps freezing the WinME workstation I use at work.

Am I the only one here who thinks that "Windows Me" sounds like it ought to be obscene in some way? I don't know how to "windows" something or someone, but it can't be good.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting....
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 5 Dec 2001 05:28:12 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>Comrade Screwtape wrote:
>> Tom "Tom" Harrington schrieb:
>> >Screwtape (st.ferd2.thristian.org) wrote:
>> >> Caveat: Since buying a PowerBook G4, playing Quicktime under Linux hasn't really been much of an issue.
>> >Woo hoo! So I'm not the only one here using the world's most perfect computer! Powerbook G4 + Mac OS X = computing nirvana, as far as I'm concerned. Anything that gets Mac OS and BSD Unix into the same package, a <1 inch thin package at that, is worthy of high worship. :-)
>> My poor Powerbook finally crashed today, while running VirtualPC, unsurprisingly enough. A 19-day uptime might not be all that great for a Unix box, but for a heavily-used Mac..
>> I *did* open a few eyes today showing off network-transparent GUIs on MacOS X (XFree86 4.1 for Darwin), and having zsh around is always a comfort - I just wish more software actually compiled properly for it. My biggest gripe with Mac OS X is leaving some of my favourite Linux apps behind. :(
>All right, you lot can stop taunting me now. I'll have OW you know my five-year-old Power Mac is OW sulking in the corner and the Windows OW machine is OW poking me OW with OW a OW sharp stick.

Don't worry...Windows will eventually progress the Bronze Age.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies know which M "Windows ME" is


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting....
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 06 Dec 2001 09:02:07 GMT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>Don't worry...Windows will eventually progress the Bronze Age.

I don't know how you can use "Windows" and "progress" in the same sentence with a straight face.

>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies know which M "Windows ME" is

Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, no doubt.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting....
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 14 Dec 2001 07:23:13 +1100

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
> >>How can you see my facial expressions?
> >By the way, nice sweater.
> Silly Donald...I'm not wearing any sweater.

In that case, nasty rash.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: You have been dubbed ...
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 10 Dec 2001 08:15:55 +1100

Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com> wrote:
> I didn't so much mind the "Caesar of Canned Air," bit as I resented the middle name I don't have and the extra forefathers I've never met.

Strictly speaking, if it were "forefathers" you'd be Ed Chauvin V, wouldn't you?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: Amanda Huggenkiss <auto214196.hushmail.com>
Date: Sat, 01 Dec 2001 15:12:48 +0000

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>; Well I just had a bloody Mary before that, and some of the others suggested we have the "tea" to cool down. Who was I to know that it wasn't actually tea, but 5 different alcohols?
>There isn't any blood, or Marys in one of those, either. Unless you're a vampire.

I once went to a party as a vampire, complete with a saline bag filled with tomato juice. The look on people's faces when I mixed a bloody Mary were classic.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who wants one?
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Sat, 08 Dec 2001 09:23:15 -0600

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> Screwtape wrote ...
> >I've never seen Klingons treated as comic relief before...
> You're kidding! That was one of Worf's primary functions.

Worf: Captain, I advocate immediate and total annihilation of the approaching vessel.

Picard: Hah hah hah! Please, Lt. Worf, I need to have a serious expression on my face when we establish communication with them. No more jokes!

[The rest of the bridge crew wipes tears from their eyes and get back into their chairs. Some leave to change pants.]

That happened at least once an episode, as I recall.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who wants one?
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 13 Dec 2001 12:13:30 GMT

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.nospam_webone.com.au> wrote:
>Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti knows a song called "Beth".

Kiss?

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Not without dinner and flowers first.

From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
No thanks, I'll pass.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who wants one?
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 23:04:22 -0500

Viki wrote:
> Viki, who's NOT sitting on Sara's lap this time, I didn't get what I was promised for Christmas last year!

Um, Viki, I think it's time you knew the truth about Sara Claus.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What I want to Be When I Grow Up
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 22:40:19 -0500

Chris Wesling wrote:
> "Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
>> A long time ago, Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> said:
>> >Donald Welsh wrote:
>> >> twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
>> >> >Reminds me. What happened to Tom, who occasionally would go by the nickname, "Tom"?
>> >> Drop bears got 'im.
>> >How do you *know* it was drop bears??
>> Could've been worse: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_458450.html
> Ouch. What do you call that, a drop squirrel?

What I want to know is, will the guy sue the squirrel? It looks to me as though the squirrel was negligent inasmuch as she[1] didn't warn the victim she was about to jump on his head.

[1] How do I know it was a she? Well she was after his nuts, right?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What I want to Be When I Grow Up
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 03 Dec 2001 16:20:48 GMT

Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net> write:
> Ouch. What do you call that, a drop squirrel?

Show 'im you're nuts!


From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Iceland's Giant Penis Mall
Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 14:59:27 GMT

Iceland now has a shopping mall (Smáralind) in the shape of a giant penis. It's new! It's blue! (At 4 degrees C, what did you expect?)
http://malogmenning.mm.is/icenewsis/default.asp?day=2001.10.12

From: Viki <vvidt.netscape.net>
I wonder, what draws more people in, the buying or the selling of the penii?
.
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
The exit is at the, er, far end.
.
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
I was wondering where the entrace was, but then I just looked for the head of the line.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies keep the crowds back with a fire-hose
.
From: Viki <vvidt.netscape.net>
You know, I wonder how many batteries that sucker takes.
.
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
A *lot*. Fortunately, it comes with^W^Whas its own Radio Shack.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if the place is patrolled by the police or private dicks
.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
And if that wasn't enough...
} Ben & Jerry's has arrived in Iceland. That's correct. Vermont's finest can now be found at any of the 10-11 supermarkets.
I mean, come on. There's less than a dozen supermarkets in the entire country, and they can't be bothered to come up with an exact number? Put in some effort, guys.
JIM, I guess they were distracted by that big ol' schlong
.
From: ossipewsk.cheerful.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
(At 4 degrees C, what did you expect?)
Water to be at its densest?
Oh. That's not what you meant, is it?
> http://malogmenning.mm.is/icenewsis/default.asp?day=2001.10.12
Blimmin' 'eck.
Even the more dowdy members of my staff recognised *that* at a glance.
Richard, whose dgKlg shies at the thought of where they'll put the water-park...
.
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
Somehow, I don't think your employees would appreciate being called members of your staff in this context...
--
Ken, who can't stop wondering what their Christmas bonus will be

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 10:15:45 -0700

Cici in Texas said:
> pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>>--
>>pieceoftheuniverse - in another five generations, "English" will be made up of twenty languages.
>Heck, I'm already fluent in at least seven of them. And that's not even *counting* Standard American Teenager.

How many versions of English are there, anyway? Let's count and see:

There's England (UK) English, which is supposedly the "correct" way to speak. I suppose that means I'd best start pronouncing "schedule" as "shedule" instead of "skedule."

There's Standard American, which involves a lot of mispronunciations, and the idea that pants are worn on the outside rather than underneath where they belong (which explains Superman as a national hero, I suppose).

There's Imported American, which happens when you tell a lot of non-native speakers that they'd best learn English or shut up. English gets a lot of new words this way.

There's Down South Speakin', which has more abbreviations than you can properly shake a six-iron at. Not to mention the admittedly curious dialect, which has most tourists scratching their heads in bewilderment.

There's the Surfer Tongue, which mostly consists of saying "dude" in a wide variety of expressive tones. Fortunately, this particular subset of English began to fall by the wayside when the movie "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" came out, and the Surfer Folk realized they were being made fun of.

There is, as Cici mentioned above, Standard American Teenager (2001 edition). Sadly, this language is being constantly re-created as each generation passes through it, with the explicit purpose of excluding adults, thus making it nearly impossible to write a dictionary for. Which leads us to:

Standard American Grown-up. Particularly sad examples of native speakers have simply adopted their generation's edition of Teenager and made only slight adaptations, in the hopes of embarrassing their offspring when it's used in public. Groovy, daddy-o.

You can't forget Technobabble, which is vital in this day and age of wide-spread computer domination^W^Hs in every work place. Technobabble, however, is in danger of being split up even further according to subject: Medical, Physics, Math, Computers, Astronomy, etc. It is estimated that in another century or so Medical speakers won't be able to even remotely understand Computer speakers. (and thus a caste system begins to take shape...)

And finally, there's Business, which has a completely different thinking process behind it entirely. This subset not only has it's own words ("analyst," "tax deduction") or altered meanings of words ("opportunity for change"), but also its own idioms that mean, effectively, nothing ("thinking outside the box," "change all the rules," "someone moved my cheese").

--
pieceoftheuniverse - have I missed any?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2001 01:29:28 -0500

Fierce wrote:
> davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>> Speaking of Paul, I notice his absence. Is it appropriate to ask whatever happened to him?
> Well last night, I have it on good authority, he dined upon baked chicken and broccoli with cheese sauce. And Rice-a-Roni.

Wow, I knew he joined a cult and changed his name, but I had no idea the rituals were so bizarre...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 22:50:37 -0500

Viki wrote:
> Who cares what the people upstairs hear after all?

True, true, but when you've reached "No more bottles of beer on the wall, mo nore beertles of baaaaaah," it's considered bad form to start over at ninety-nine bottles.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Violated
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2001 05:57:55 GMT

Sid scrawled in bodily fluids:
>There seems to be nothing wrong with anything. Blood tests, lung test ... nothing.
>The only point of interest, apart from the fact that they took a whole lot of money for not knowing anything, was the scoping.
>The ENT guy sent an optical scope, via my nose, down the bridge, into my throat to see if there were any abnormalities. My nose is numb now and I feel violated.

Poor Sid. His nose is no longer a virgin.

-- D. "If he never smells another unicorn, we'll know why." W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Violated
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2001 17:51:19 +1100

Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote:
> There seems to be nothing wrong with anything. Blood tests, lung test ... nothing.

Good news!

> The only point of interest, apart from the fact that they took a whole lot of money for not knowing anything, was the scoping.

To be fair, they didn't know that they didn't know until they did the scoping, and you didn't know that they didn't know. Now they know that they don't know and more importantly you know that they know that they don't know, which has got to be worth something.

> The ENT guy sent an optical scope, via my nose, down the bridge,

Brooklyn? Sydney Harbour?

> into my throat to see if there were any abnormalities. My nose is numb now and I feel violated.

Hmm, if they were able to violate you by coming from that direction, clearly there *are* abnormalities! I recommend you either (a) see a doctor, no, wait, forget that; (b) get an agent; (c) join the circus.

And, again, good news.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Violated
From: Bryan Chung <bchung.ucalgary.ca>
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2001 12:44:00 -0700

> Oh goodie, scoping. "Here, we're gonna ram this camera into your body through an opening usually intended for purposes other than imaging."

There's a good question for the Oracle. "Which opening in the human body is intended for imaging purposes?"

> > The ENT guy sent an optical scope, via my nose, down the bridge, into my throat to see if there were any abnormalities.
> You forgot the part about "While I was fully awake and in possession of a fully-functioning gag reflex". And that the damn scope is the size of your little finger in diameter, right?
> > My nose is numb now and I feel violated.
> Hm, was it the K-Y jelly on the scope that got to you, or the fact that it's damn hard to breathe, while trying not to puke, while someone jams a garden hose down your throat via your nose?
> Have they tested for esophogeal erosion? You get heartburn bad?
> Dave "Why yes, as a matter of fact I've had this test..." Hinz

You know, it's much easier if you ask for lidocaine first. Just a couple of drops in the palm of your hand and sniff it. Numbs it right up.

Bryan "I've never had the test, but I've given it"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Violated
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 07 Dec 2001 22:35:37 GMT

Bryan Chung <bchung.ucalgary.ca> write:
> You know, it's much easier if you ask for lidocaine first.

Ah, that would be so, but only if offered the option. They used straight K-Y, and as it was the G.I. lab, well, I'm pretty confident it was their normal choice of lube, let's just put it that way.

You guys *do* use different scopes for the other procedure, right?

> Just a couple of drops in the palm of your hand and sniff it. Numbs it right up.

Wow. Serious? I thought the "...caine" family had to be topical?

> Bryan "I've never had the test, but I've given it"

And that, right there, is a problem (no offense to you in particular). I'm an EMT, and on a bet during a refresher course, let the instructor put a nasal airway in me. *very* uncomfortable, and I can see why it has a certain ...shall we say "awakening"... effect on someone whose level of awareness is altered by, say, alcohol.

In other words, when you jam those things in some drunk's nose, they wake up pretty darn fast.

I'm a firm believer that those who administer procedures, should have experienced that procedure. Well, except for stuff like defibrillation, I suppose.

Dave Hinz
(IT geek, and firefighter/EMT. Much the same, really...)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Violated
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2001 18:00:01 -0500

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> I'm a firm believer that those who administer procedures, should have experienced that procedure. Well, except for stuff like defibrillation, I suppose.

Or trepanning, or quadruple amputations, or defenestrations, or autopsies.

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
"Next, on World's Most Amazing Videos, watch as Dr. Schwartz performs a quadruple amputation using just his mouth-stick".
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to meet with Fox execs

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Violated
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.locall.aunz.com>
Date: Sun, 09 Dec 2001 17:16:53 +1100

'Jeffrey Kaplan' wrote:
>davehinz.spamcop.net said:
>; > Or trepanning, or quadruple amputations, or defenestrations, or autopsies.
>; No, defenestration is one of the great pleasures of life. I enjoy each one tremendously.
>; Dave "Now, where did I put my hat? It's Red..." Hinz
>It was defenestrated.
>(Wow. That word is actually in my spell checker.)

Reminds me of my first foray into commercial building - a rather architecturally cute shopping mall. At the time, my knowledge of architectural terminology was embarrassingly sketchy, and I was thrown in the deep end as project manager (read 'God') of the project, about halfway through the period of construction.

The architectural drawings, the specifications and the correspondence all made constant mention of the 'fenestrations' on the building, and there was no way that I could figure out the meaning of this word. Dictionaries and other texts made vague reference 'fins', and this made no sense to me. Asking the architect was out... the word seemed to be too commonly used and asking ANYONE directly would flag my ignorance, something I did not want to do.

The problem was solved during a routine inspection with one of my foremen. I waited till we were at a place that had a good view of the large part of the building, and casually mentioned that the fenestration work seemed to be improving. The foremen disagreed, and walked over to the nearest WINDOW OPENING and proceeded to explain the slip-shod poor workmanship throughout all of the WINDOW OPENINGS on the building.

--
GW DE Lacey... used the same technique for 'soffit' and 'balustrades'.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Violated
From: David McAuliffe <wondergibbon.optusnet.com.au>
Date: Sun, 09 Dec 2001 18:58:11 +1100

GW De Lacey <georgew.locall.aunz.com> wrote:
>Reminds me of my first foray into commercial building - a rather architecturally cute shopping mall.

Wasn't in Iceland, was it, by any chance?

David McAuliffe, wishing he hadn't said it, but knowing he just had to, and knowing as well he will regret it the rest of his days.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Violated
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2001 10:48:36 +1100

Carla Miriam Levy schrieb:
>"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
>> Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
>> >That dan, he keeps trying to get me in a threesome....
>> You say that like it's a bad thing.
>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies play monkey-in-the-middle
>But you'd have to make room for my anomaly[1] too, and you know how unpredictable those anomalies can be.

Not really - what we know as "anomalies" are the mouse-traps of a race of higher beings; except of course they trap Starfleet vessels instead of mice. Mind you, despite being constructed by higher beings, no Starfleet vessel has been trapped for any period longer than an hour (minus adverts).

From: Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu>
Wow! My husband is a mousetrap? Well you know what they say, build a better mousetrap...
.
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
... and you'll have sex with better mice?
--
pieceoftheuniverse - the "Tom and Jerry" show just took on a whole new meaning.
.
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Or at least better mousetraps...
http://janetreno.rotten.com/mousetrap/
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wish he would stop channeling DMP
.
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
The weird thing is, everything captured by the mousetraps in those pictures managed to eat the cheese before being trapped.
.
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
Why do I have an irrational fear of clicking on this link?
--
Ken Adams
oog free for 20 days...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Violated
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 11 Dec 2001 10:03:19 +1100

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote <about esophageal sphincter surgery for heartburn>:
> Seriously though, do get it done soon. You won't regret it, at all.

In the same spirit of giving gratuitous cross-profession advice in the absence of any actual knowledge or expertise, I urge you all to reformat your hard disks every day, rewire your houses, defend yourselves in court, and make sure you run with scissors.

Ian, jack-of-a-trade.

From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
I think it's admirable when someone recognizes his limitations and vows to keep abreast of only one field of knowledge.
.
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
I'm not that specialised, either breast is OK with me.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: < < < FREE Online Seminar Unleash the Power of the Internet > > >
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Sun, 09 Dec 2001 18:37:34 -0600

client.services.esbisc.easymax.com wrote:
<snip>
> P.S. This message is ONLY being sent to folks who have requested information. This is not Multi-level, Direct Sales, or any sales program.

All right, somebody better 'fess up.

From: Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
GAAAAAAAH!! I admit it! I admit it all! It's my fault that nobody shops on the internet. I'm the one who convinced Kamen that Segway is a good name for a consumer product. I told Tom Daschle that economic stimulation was a sin, and will make the country go blind. Kofi Annan appearing on Sesame Street was my idea. Internet appliances? My idea. McPizza? Mine. The ending of "Dungeons and Dragons" was my idea too. The WNBA? Boo.com? Dick Cheney's "undisclosed secret location" being a Club Med in the Bahamas? All my ideas too.


You know, confession really is good for the soul. I feel much better now.
.

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Al Gore)
Fuck off.
-Al

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Lord of the Teletubbies (was Re: Violated)
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Mon, 10 Dec 2001 17:36:46 -0000

Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu) wrote:
> Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> said:
>>Sid schrieb:
>>>davehinz.spamcop.net muttered:
>>>>Oh goodie, scoping. "Here, we're gonna ram this camera into your body through an opening usually intended for purposes other than imaging."
>>>There are orifices intended for imaging?
>>Don't you have one of those big silvery patches on your tummy that shows pictures all the time? Um, hang on -
>>/me checks sign attached to monitor
>>- oh, that's right, you're not a Teletubby, are you? My bad.
> Again! Again!
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies ponder the sexual positions of Dipsy and Po

I do believe I've already covered that one, in this very newsgroup. <http://groups.google.com/groups?q=Dipsy+group:rec.humor.oracle.d&hl=en&rnum=2&selm=slrn84qo2p.d2v.tph%40shell.rmi.net>

But there are other Teletubby-related issues of more current import. Consider, for a moment, their house. It seems to rise up out of the earth to hold them, and has round doors and hallways. In fact it's almost exactly like Hobbit houses are supposed to look. And anyone who's seen LOTR previews has already seen that this is almost exactly what the filmmakers have decided as well; scenes in the Shire are filled with what appear to be Teletubby houses.

So, are the Teletubbies actually Hobbits? Just picture it:

"The time has come to speak," said Gandalf, "Give me the ring for a moment."

Tinky Winky took it from his purse, where it was clasped to a key-ring. He unfastened it and handed it slowly to the wizard. It felt suddenly very heavy, as if either it or Tinky Winky himself was in some way reluctant for Gandalf to touch it.

Gandalf held it up. It looked to be made of pure and solid gold. "Can you see any markings on it?" he asked.

"No," said the bright-eyed Tinky winky, shaking his purple head from side to side, "no makkins."

"Well then, look!" To Tinky Winky's astonishment, the wizard threw it suddenly on the floor, by the Noo-Noo. The Noo-Noo used its snout like a flamethrower to blast the ring with flame.

"Again! Again!" cried Tinky Winky, excitedly.

No apparent change came over the ring. After a while Gandalf got up, closed the shutters outside the window, and drew the curtains. The room became dark and silent, though the squeaking of Po's scooter, now nearer to the windows, could still be heard faintly from the garden.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jeffrey's Double Life
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2001 13:08:40 +1100

ossipewsk.cheerful.com (Richard Fitzpatrick) wrote:
> Where the hell is the .tv heirachy, anyway?

Shut up, Igor, and keep pedalling.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jeffrey's Double Life
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2001 18:34:22 -0000

Sid (sid.siddhartha.8m.com) wrote:
> USENET Poster by day. Disease fighter by night.
> http://www.cdc.gov/bio.htm
> Sid, they misspelled his name

It's nice how the web can fill you in on your dopplegangers. I had no idea, but apparently in addition to the life I know, I'm also:

  • A professor of plant pathology at the U of Iowa
  • A reference & instruction librarian at Gallaudet U
  • A member of the Kansas Professional Photographer's Association, and taker of some party photos at <http://www.kppa.org/seminars/Tom'sPicturePage.htm>
  • Faculty member at the U of Limerick's Center for Environmental Research
  • professor of "decision sciences" at Florida Gulf Coast U
  • Hockey Player, in the Bay Area Street Hockey league
  • Paine Hall Director at Arkansas Tech U.
  • Former crew member of the USS Bergall, from about 1970 (no indication of rank that I could comprehend)
  • Leader of some Audobon society bird walks
  • Sports announcer for the CBC
  • Commodore of the Cape Fear Yacht Club
  • Dead, and subject of a family tribute page
  • Board member of a Washington Terrier-breeding club, and apparent co-winner of the "Winners Bitch & Best of Opposite Sex" award.
  • An Irish politician of some sort [I may have to sig a quote I found about this one: "There is no way that I would stand in the way of Tom Harrington and his friends..."
  • Owner of some land which was contaminated by a local GE plant in New York
  • Co-owner and CFO of the Tennessee Bun Company [so just remember that I'm the RHOD expert on buns]
  • Director of the Wood School at Stort Craft Center in Australia [another must-sig, I think: "A special thanks to Tom Harrington for ... being Tom."
  • Co-author of "The College Majors Handbook"
  • Author of "The Complete Book of Lawn Games"
  • Author of "Alien Biography"
  • Pitcher in the Central Coast baseball league

So watch out people! I'm everywhere!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jeffrey's Double Life
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2001 13:08:32 -0700

Tom "Tom" Harrington said:
>It's nice how the web can fill you in on your dopplegangers. I had no idea, but apparently in addition to the life I know, I'm also:
>- A professor of plant pathology at the U of Iowa
>- A reference & instruction librarian at Gallaudet U

<snip list>

See, this is exactly why I fully endorse the idea of everyone having unique names. Most people think that this means we'll have kids running about with names like "Aghaiofh" and "Garioaghp," but this simply isn't true. There are well over four million dialects on this planet alone, all with their own vocabulary; it would be a simple matter to assign an unique name to all five billion people on Earth. You forfeit the name the instant you die, and it's up for grabs for the next newborn.

I must admit, though, that getting the Korean word for "sphincter" as my first name would be a good argument for suicide.

>So watch out people! I'm everywhere!

I, however, am to be found only in one or two places, and I'm always numbered so you'll know it's me.

--
pieceoftheuniverse <> potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com
Fear the piece. Fear the BIG piece.<> www.pieceoftheuniverse.com
The Society for the Prevention of the Universe Being Split Into Pieces
Segment #00015684816268462234981263-B


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jeffrey's Double Life
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Thu, 13 Dec 2001 22:34:19 -0000

> the instant you die, and it's up for grabs for the next newborn.

Aw hell, just make it simple, and keep it in English, and if the damn furriners don't like it that's their tough luck.

Start with the 26 letters we use. If everyone had a 7-letter name, there'd be a little more than 8 billion possible names. That's enough for everyone alive; when world population passes 8 billion, new names will be extended to 8 letters. That'd get us to 208 billion or so possible names, and may the deity or deities of your choice grant thatg we never have to go to 9 letters.

Start with "Aaaaaaa", then "Aaaaaab", "Aaaaaac", etc. Nobody'll ever have your name, and any web search on your name is guaranteed to produce only results actually about you. Family names would be superfluous, although the tradition-minded might keep them around as a sort of window dressing.

> I must admit, though, that getting the Korean word for "sphincter" as my first name would be a good argument for suicide.

That would be impossible under this scheme. However, somebody would end up being named "Asshole", which is potentially embarassing for them. Tough luck, I say, it's one of the sacrifices people will have to make in the new order.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Google adds Usenet archives going back to May 1981
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Thu, 13 Dec 2001 16:33:19 -0600

Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
> Daniel E. Macks:
> >Ed Chauvin IV said:
> >>Gordol wrote:
> >>>David Sewell said:
> >>>; drs2n.virginia.invalid (replace domain name with "edu" to reply by email!)
> >>>drs2n.edu.invalid is not a valid address.
> >>Sure it's valid, it's just not real.
> >No it's not...it says so itself.
> This statement is false.

This statement, while looking around quickly, hopes that it's the first to turn this thread self-referential.



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