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2001 02 B.

From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2001 21:34:46 +1100

TimC wrote ...
>Sid was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea:
>> "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com> wrote:
>>> I can understand most of the gameplay. The scoring seems to be completely beyond me, and I listen to the BBC World Service every night we work. I understand that you can score multiple runs for every time you hit the ball, but I am trying to figure out what the hell an over
>>Each side is used alternately for a duration of one over (which is 6 legal balls).
>And an illegal ball will get you fined $1000, a month in prison, and 3 demerit points.

<THWAP!>

Don't pay any attention to TimC if you actually want to understand cricket.


From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Date: 5 Feb 2001 05:21:16 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>I find it humorous that cricket is being discussed in the obsessive compulsive thread.
> JIM, excuse me, I have to go wash my bat

Dude, this is a family froup.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies equipped their penis with sonar for better vision in dark caves


From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: MISTLETOE =>
Date: Mon, 05 Feb 2001 12:17:28 +1100

jevans.physics.uottawa.ca wrote:
> Comrade Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
> > the interminable "this is for your butt, but not a porn site" over at ash-k and afr-n (where I found our Kitty, and dragged her over here)
> Well, drag her back again. She's missed.

See, I told you that litter tray was a bad idea.

Ian.


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Top 10 Things Incarnations Should Know
Date: Sun, 4 Feb 2001 20:05:00 +0000

Richard Fitzpatrick schrieb:
>Screwtape wrote ...
>>Richard Fitzpatrick schrieb:
>>>Screwtape wrote ...
>>>>Richard Fitzpatrick schrieb:
>>>>>...a *.mir domain-name... expensive, useless, but kewl!
>>>>You compulsive Slashdotter, you.
>>>I've almost never been to /. I take it using Mir as an out-of-domain ISP is old-hat there.
>>No, but any- and everything "expenive, useless but kewl" has tremendous following.
>>Thought of being a Slashdot cheerleader?
>No. D'ya think I oughta?

How do you feel about teal-and-white leotards?

Screwtape,
...who derives endless enjoyment from leotard/leopard confusion.


From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Top 10 Things Incarnations Should Know
Date: 5 Feb 2001 05:15:21 GMT

Jane said:
>Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> said:
>>How do you feel about teal-and-white leotards?
>Whatever you like, Sugar.

Yeah...it's not like you're gonna be wearing it for that long anyway.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will wait here while you slip out of something less comfortable


From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I just remembered why I quit doing tellmes
Date: Sun, 4 Feb 2001 22:39:08 +1100

Chris Wesling wrote ...
>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>> Chris Wesling wrote ...
>> >Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>> >> Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti is scared that Hetta or someone is going to ask "shouldn't you be doing something *useful* about now?"
>> >If we thought you knew *how* to do something useful, we might have asked that... 8-)
>> Now that's just cruel. Fair, but cruel.
>Sorry, I got carried away by the whole predator-raptor thing. Does it help if I add a smiley to that comment? (See above)

Hehe. No, it doesn't help. It was already clear.

Chris, from what I've seen, I don't think you have a truly mean bone in your body [oo, you lot]. If you have, maybe no-one's found it yet. I never have trouble knowing when you're being serious or not and I'm never concerned that you'll misunderstand someone else's sarcasm.

You're a keeper for a froup that thrives on p-r'ing and sarcasm of the (mostly) benign sort.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti will stop now before it gets maudlin and saying things like "Shtrue ash I'm <hic> shtanding... erm, leanin' 'ere... Mate, Oi jusht wanna tell you, Oi lo-.^.&#%#.%.&[NO CARRIER]


From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is there a doctor in the house?
Date: 5 Feb 2001 01:45:22 GMT

Tim Chew <twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com> said:
>The fingers of Donald Welsh did thusly type:
>>twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
>>>The fingers of Gordol did thusly type:
>>>>I meant prior to leaving a part of your thumb behind.
>>>No need, it was very sharp glass. I didn't feel a thing.
>>>>So, you've done this sort of self-mutilation before? Admit it, you're really DMP in disguise!
>>>No, it wasn't on purpose. The axe slipped. That's all.
>>So, to recap: you cut your thumb with a glass axe?
>Og asked me to give him a hand, I didn't think he'd be so literal about it.

#include <jokes/tasteless/leper/poker.h>

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have, milligram for milligram, the largest /usr/include of any creature in the universe


From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is there a doctor in the house?
Date: Mon, 05 Feb 2001 01:21:48 GMT

twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
>Seventeen years ago, I tried to take my thumb off with a dull axe, and, in one of my stupider moments, I stitched the wound, because, I knew if my parents found out, I'd be in a load of trouble.

Sheesh. Luckily you didn't grow up in Toronto.


From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: For those who keep up with such things.
Date: Sun, 4 Feb 2001 13:14:23 -0600

Chris Wesling wrote:
} Jim Evans wrote:
} > Comrade Fierce Cookie wrote:
} > > "Sorbo?
} > > "And Londo?"
} > > Like that could happen by accident.
} > Next week on RHOD - more lesser-known Marx Brothers.
} Wasn't Sorbo a Greek?

No, but he plays one on TV.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Subject: Re: It's been...
Date: Mon, 5 Feb 2001 06:10:03 GMT

Tim Chew said:
; Michael A. Atkinson wrote:
;
; >Otis Viles <drey.speakeasy.org> wrote:
; >>I sincerely hope someone is going to volunteer to take this over. If web space is an issue, I can provide an account on a Linux box running in my basement on a 384K SDSL line.
; >I have a multiple-DS3-served web hosting account that I barely use, and I'd be honored to put it up there.
; I have a dial-up account with a 1200 baud modem hooked up to an IBM XT in my crawlspace.

I whistle directly into the telephone. On a good day, I can get 100 baud.


From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's been...
Date: 4 Feb 2001 23:03:24 GMT

Michael A. Atkinson <chaos.suespammers.org> said:
>Otis Viles <drey.speakeasy.org> wrote:
>>I sincerely hope someone is going to volunteer to take this over. If web space is an issue, I can provide an account on a Linux box running in my basement on a 384K SDSL line.
>I have a multiple-DS3-served web hosting account that I barely use, and I'd be honored to put it up there.

I've got a redundant DS69-connected megawhomp ShlongServer with RAID Aerosol petabyte pyrethrin storage that I don't even know how to use, and I'd be even *more* honored to host it, once I figure out what the hell I'm talking about.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies host more adult websites, milligram for milligram, than any creature in the universe


From: Sid <sid.00.usa.net>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sigh...
Date: Mon, 05 Feb 2001 11:55:15 GMT

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> John D said:
> ; >I'm waiting for the Beastie Boys to be on Muzak...
> ; The sickest and twistedest part of my mind looks forward to Megadeth's "Symphony of Destruction" being played as elevator music.
> I've already heard Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" that way. Once I realized what it was, my brane melted.

When you call up Help Desk and their hold music is Brittney Spears, you know that they are not going to come back to take that call.


From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Date: Mon, 05 Feb 2001 08:52:30 GMT

Jeff and Siggie said:
> ; JIM, excuse me, I have to go wash my bat
> Ah, so that's what you're calling it now.
<<SNIP>>
> "I sure as hell don't want to talk in front of this thing." (Mr. Garibaldi, B5 "Hunter, Prey")

Does Siggie know how much Mello Yello stings when coming out of the nose?


From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sigh...
Date: Wed, 07 Feb 2001 07:52:49 +1100

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com> wrote:
> All of our family's cars (after the 61 Impala with an adequate trunk-the last car with one ever made AFAIK) had to be station wagons or minivans to accommodate dad's big fiddle.

Actually, it's very dangerous to do that while driving.

Ian.


From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On Topic: The Subject of Constructive Feedback
Date: Tue, 06 Feb 2001 22:52:20 -0500

Dustin Hoffman wrote:
> >2. Should we identify whether we are the Sup or Inc?
> What if the Supplicant doesn't want you posting his question?
> What if an Incarnation doesn't want you to post her answer?
> How would you know what they want, or does that not matter?
> How could they let you know and preserve the anonymity that is such a big part of the Oracle?

Messages can be left behind the hot water pipes, third broom closet along, level P1 of the car-park across from JC Penny.

JIM


From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On Topic: The Subject of Constructive Feedback
Date: Tue, 06 Feb 2001 22:48:52 -0500

The Pointy Handed One wrote:
> >1. The general ability to post Sore Losers for public critique after an appropriate period.
> >2. Some consensus on how long that period should be (and thus the goofball "expiration date" thingy).
> It seems the main drive behind SLs is to garner the author some public praise,

Actually the most compelling reason to SL is to irritate Hook.

JIM


From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help please?
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2001 07:53:15 -0600

Jim Evans wrote:
} Comrade pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
} > I need a ream of archived comics, sitting, primed, and ready to be unleashed.
} Hmm, a ream is 500 sheets, and I'll assume 3 comics per sheet. That's 1500 comics, divide by 360 days, that's about 4 years of comics[3]. I do hope you're drawing already :)
}
} JIM
} [3] At the mo I seem to be receiving jokes from Al Sharka.

Time to change my passwords again.


From: Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Feedback to an Oracle Priest!
Date: Fri, 09 Feb 2001 09:51:54 +0000

Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com> wrote:
>johnyaya.don'tspamonme.usa.net (John D) wrote:
><snippage>
>>In honor of our holy war, night I made a very special dish on Sunday: chicken marinated with garlic, onion and plenty of OREGANO and pan-fried. Very tasty, and apparently it had the predictable effect of luring in the Pcak.
>>John -- whose brightly colored kribensis cichlids are angry because they didn't get any
>A lovely thing, marinated chicken. I made a batch recently, marinated in garlic, olive oil, grated ginger, and a perky Voignier.

Mmm... I'm salivating, and I don't even know what a Voignier is. Someone who voigns, presumably.

>Julsy
>Whose small, brown, colour-point ragdoll cat thinks sauteed chicken gizzards in fish fumet are a lovely dish, thengkyou.

That's just cruel. Most of the RHODites don't eat that well.

Dave
Or the priesthood, come to that


From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Feedback to an Oracle Priest!
Date: Fri, 9 Feb 2001 21:24:36 +1100

Dave Hemming wrote ...
>Julianna Avedon wrote:
>>Julsy
>>Whose small, brown, colour-point ragdoll cat thinks sauteed chicken gizzards in fish fumet are a lovely dish, thengkyou.
>That's just cruel. Most of the RHODites don't eat that well.

Indeed. And let me be the first to say that, after that little repast, Julsy's pussy isn't getting kissed anytime soon.

AAAH! NO! Dave! Julsy! Stop! The RAGDOLL! I *meant* the RAGDOLL!

OWowow...

Richard, whose Priest-baiting should probably stop PFQ.


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Feedback to an Oracle Priest!
Date: Fri, 9 Feb 2001 11:50:40 +0000

Dave Hemming schrieb:
>Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com> wrote:
>>Julsy
>>Whose small, brown, colour-point ragdoll cat thinks sauteed chicken gizzards in fish fumet are a lovely dish, thengkyou.
>That's just cruel. Most of the RHODites don't eat that well.
>Dave
>Or the priesthood, come to that

<snip>

>"You ate my brother!"
>"Well, he started it."

Grim pickings indeed.


From: Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help please?
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2001 11:35:53 +0000

<TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com> wrote:

[snip]

>Have I mentioned how jealous I am of the both of you. I've continually put off The Greyhound because I just can't figure out a good villain.

An electric rabbit?

Dave
Foiling the Energizer Bunny's dastardly plots


From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Juno, what hast thou done now?
Date: Mon, 12 Feb 2001 21:07:24 +1100

Jason Willoughby wrote:
>Sara M wrote:
>> GW De Lacey wrote:
>>> Sara M wrote:
>>> >Viki wrote:
>>> >> Jason wrote:
>>> >> > What's a gitated?
>>> >> bout 20 bucks an hour, I hear.
>>> >> Issat right, EGK?
>>> >Ummm - have you got anything a bit faster?
>>> I attached one to a wheelbarrow once, but the wheel fell off.
>> Hmmm...
>> If you were talking about your average randy Aussie leg-humping male Blue Cattledog that *might* make sense...
>> Or Limpet Mines...
>I'm glad this could have maybe made sense to someone...

Well I'll explain my bit...

Like several other towns in the sugar cane belt, the town in which I was born (Home Hill, in Northern Queensland - yes, it's on the map) was a favourite destination for the post war invasion by Southern European migrants. They arrived with little money, and were given a cane knife and told there was a fortune to be made cutting cane.

For many, this was indeed true and a lot of these men eventually purchased the properties of their former employees. Wives and families came and joined the menfolk, and these places became little islands of their former homelands.

As a result of all of this, Australian born English speakers were actually in the minority, and I still remember, as a toddler, being scared witless by the big Italian Momma in full Italian voice next door. Scary indeed.

There was no way any Australian could ever learn the many languages and dialects of these people, but, if you listened very carefully, you could frequently hear a word that sounded like 'wheelbarrow' mixed in with the other noise. In fact you could eventually convince yourself that every other word was, in reality, 'wheelbarrow'.

Thus was born an In Joke. An Australian on the receiving end of a long tirade in Italian, Greek, or whatever, would say something like 'When do you want to borrow my wheelbarrow?', much to the puzzlement of the speaker. Other remarks such as 'You borrowed it last week, and haven't returned it', 'No, I can't loan you my wheelbarrow, I've just finished painting it', 'My wheelbarrow is broken too', all met with similar puzzlement.

Like all good IJ's, this one metamorphosed with time. It's final form, still in use today, is 'We had one and the wheel fell off'. It's a favourite with Australian born Italians, Greeks etc, when they have difficulty understanding English, Scottish, Irish or American accents.

I do believe I may have out-obrefed rhod : )


From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Juno, what hast thou done now?
Date: Mon, 12 Feb 2001 08:15:56 -0800

GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com> wrote:
>I do believe I may have out-obrefed rhod:)

*sigh*

You did.

Dammit, let me go put on the grass skirt and put that watermelon on my head. Ok, so who borrowed the polar bear gloves? Nevermind, I found them.

Everyone in place?

And a one,
and a two...

Your so smart, YourObrefBlewUsAllAway,
Can't believe, WeDidn'tGetItRightAway,
'Course we didn't and now we must go
and put on the stupid luau show.

Wow, G.W. is neat.
Hey, he pull-a off-a quite a feat.
And, we really wanna know
all about your stupid wheelbarrow...

Anyway, WeHopeThisGaveYouQuiteAThrill
Do it again, GodHelpUsWeMayYouThenKill
The skirts chafe and the coconuts are cold
plus this joke is really getting old.

HEY!


Right, well, here's the tribute of a half eaten Mars Bar and a bronzed lump of earwax.


Hope you're happy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Might as well fully delurk
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2001 03:12:54 GMT

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>Viki
>.. what is that faint buzzing sound?

It's Morse Code for DO NOT USE FOR UNEXPLAINED LEG PAIN.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's been...
From: Jason <jbeasley.primary.net>
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2001 09:35:08 -0600

Jim Evans wrote:
> Comrade Screwtape wrote:
> > Jim Evans schrieb:

<snip>

> > >Still lighter than a triganic pu, anyway.
> > What do I have to drink to make me yearn for one of those?
> You know.
> JIM

There's a bad image.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: áÎÅËÄÏÔ ÐÒÏ Ô£ÝÕ
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2001 19:07:42 -0800

A group of monkeys at the end of the spamline claiming to be "íÉÈÁÉÌ" <uskor.newmail.ru> wrote:
>éÄÕÔ ÄÏÞËÁ Ó ÏÔÃÏÍ ÉÚ ËÒÅÍÁÔÏÒÉÑ É ÎÅÓÕÔ × ÕÒÎÅ ÐÒÁÈ ÕÓÏÐÛÅÊ ÔÅÝÉ. äÏÞËÁ ÇÏ×ÏÒÉÔ:
>- ðÁÐ, ÄÁ×ÁÊ ÕÒÎÕ ÜÔÕ ÐÏÓÔÁ×ÉÍ ÎÁ ÐÉÁÎÉÎÏ, É ËÏÇÄÁ Ñ ÂÕÄÕ ÉÇÒÁÔØ, ÅÊ ÂÕÄÅÔ ÐÒÉÑÔÎÏ - ×ÅÄØ ÐÒÉ ÖÉÚÎÉ ÏÎÁ ÌÀÂÉÌÁ ÍÅÎÑ ÐÏÓÌÕÛÁÔØ... ïÔÅÃ:
>- îÅÔ ÕÖ, ÄÏÞËÁ. í٠ţ ÚÁÓÙÐÌÅÍ × ÐÅÓÏÞÎÙÅ ÞÁÓÙ, ÐÕÓËÁÊ, ÓÕËÁ, ÅÝÅ ÐÏÒÁÂÏÔÁÅÔ!
>÷ÚÑÔÏ Ó http://fi.by.ru

Oh my God! Those Russian Bastards!

They've electrocuted Tarzan!!!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sigh...
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sat, 10 Feb 2001 03:54:05 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com (pieceoftheuniverse) wrote:
>Screwtape wrote:
>>BJ schrieb:
>>>Actually voluntarily set myself for a load factor of 5 or 10??? I'd rather be hit the cattle prod myself... of course, Mr. K would never go for it... he'd figured someone had stolen my id and was sending false emails. No priest in their quasi-right mind would EVER do that.
>>Cue the saga of Mad Tim Chew.
>
>[Insert banjo music here]
>
>Come 'n listen to my story 'bout a man named Tim
>Poor Orrie Priest barely kept his answers read
>An' then one day, he was shootin' thru 'em all,
>An' up thru his brain came a bubblin' thought.
>Brainstorm, that is. Neuro-chemical imbalance.
>
>Well, the first thing ya know, Tim's increased his load
>Kin^Wpriests say, "Tim, move away from there."
>Said the queue is no place for ye
>So he loaded up his server
>And got a new ISP.
>Mindspring, that is. Water on the brain.
>
>Ol' Tim came back, stronger than before
>Next priest over was awed at his average score.
>Lotsa folks objected, but Kinzler found no fault
>'Cause ol' Tim's selections was a-layin' in the vault.
>Digested, that is. Archived and official-like.
>
>Well now it's time to say goodbye to Tim and all his fellow priests
>An' they would like to thank you folks fer the shee^Wbeasts
>Yer all invited back again to this locality
>T'have a heapin' helpin of Orrie's hospitality.
>Internet Orrie, that is. Set a spell, incarnate or two.
>
>Y'all come back now, y'hear?
>
>[mercifully end banjo music]

Almost, but not quite, entirely unlike the true ballad (which I hope the
Molerat doesn't mind my dredging up from the archives.) To wit:


Mad Tim Chew
by J Molerat Hayes

There's a shiny marble temple in the grounds of Indy U.
There's a little wooden cross next to the hall:
There a brokenhearted woman tends the grave of Mad Tim Chew,
And the Oracle, as ever, knows it all.

He was known as Mad Tim Chew by the priests, for they all knew
He was a few processors short of an array;
But he did nobody harm, and he had a certain charm,
As fair Alyce Wilson noticed one fine day.

He had loved her all along with the passion of the strong,
And she admired him all men above;
But she told him he would need to perform some noble deed
To prove that he was worthy of her love.

He asked her straight what brave deed she would like from Mad Tim Chew:
She thought about it for an hour or more;
And jestingly she told him then that nothing else would do
But he set his answer load at least to four.

Dark spots danced before his eyes, Mad Tim Chew reeled in surprise.
Most priests this challenge rash would have declined;
For the answers, as a rule, are composed of wombat drool,
And exposure to them can derange the mind.

He recalled that Strayan bold, who by some was Darkmage called,
Who had once upon a time, just for a lark,
Set his load status to two; kept it there a whole month through,
And is now firmly convinced he's Joan of Arc.

Yet he set his chin and told her he would see this dread thing through;
She laughed at him as she walked out the door.
Then he emailed Stephen Kinzler saying, "This is Mad Tim Chew,
Will you kindly set my load status to four."

In the blinking of an eye, Tim Chew's in-tray was piled high
With oracularities of every shape;
They were uniformly dire, and poor Tim feared he'd expire,
For from reading them there was now no escape.

When fair Alyce thought upon this cold-hearted thing she'd done,
As the world descended into evening gloom;
She was worried in case he had taken her too seriously,
So she swiftly made her way back to his room.

His door was open wide, with silver moonlight shining through.
The place was wet and slippery where she strode;
For the floor and walls were covered with the brains of Mad Tim Chew,
Which the strain had caused to violently explode.

There's a shiny marble temple in the grounds of Indy U.
There's a little wooden cross next to the hall:
There a brokenhearted woman tends the grave of Mad Tim Chew,
And the Oracle, as ever, knows it all.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lehman's Non-Electric Catalog
From: Jim Menard <jimm.fnord.io.com>
Date: Fri, 09 Feb 2001 22:00:52 GMT

BJ <bjbackitis.alumniSPAM.clemson.edu> writes:
> Jim Menard <jimm.eris.io.com> wrote:
> >Implant Achieves Female Orgasm
> >http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,41682,00.html
> >"A device used to treat back pain has a pleasing side-effect, causing women to have an orgasm. A doctor-inventor has patented the device which would work in tandem with a remote control."
> >Jim
> The thought of being to control that thru the IR port on my Palm III is just too incredible to describe...
> -- BJ (who thinks this gives a whole new meaning to PDA)

"Is that a remote control in your pocket, or am I happy to see youAAAHHHMMM..OOHH YESS..."

Jim


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AAAARGH!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 14 Feb 2001 16:48:20 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> said:
>
>--
>pieceoftheuniverse - who's posting using a bad, bad server.

%%
It's a bad bad server, Jack.
Baddest server in the whole damn rack.
Badder than ol' Deja.
Lost alt.nymphomania.
%%

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wish it wasn't all spam


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Not Quite Newbie TIO User FAQ
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2001 12:48:07 +1100

Viki wrote ...
>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>> Cici in Texas wrote ...
>> > Gordol wrote:
>> >>Honey-Nut Cheerios? Can I have some, please?
>> >Sorry, the cats have eaten them.
>> Weird cats. And Cici, what on earth are you doing posting at this time of the Texan day? Back to bed, girl!
>> What? A scary dream? Oh, okay, just this once mind ... Hey! Your feet are *cold*! ... Let go, that's not my finger... And yes, Cici, I know that's not your belly-button. Now stop wriggling and go to sleep.
>> Richard, who is brave, stupid or just over-tired.
>Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Richard? I can't seem to fall asleep either...

Oh, okay, you can get in, too. And no, I'm not going to say if your belly-button is nicer than Cici's. Just that it's nice and warm and... oh, ghods, not again...

>*sheepish, yet adorable grin*

Grinning? Sheep? You're a Priest, aren't you?

Richard, no longer brave or tired, just stupid.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Not Quite Newbie TIO User FAQ
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 2001 15:05:04 +1100

Cici in Texas wrote ...
>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote, among other things:
>>Viki wrote ...
>>>Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Richard? I can't seem to fall asleep either...
>>Oh, okay, you can get in, too.
>
>No, Viki, on the OTHER side.
>>And no, I'm not going to say if your belly-button is nicer than Cici's.
>Because we all know it isn't. Don't we, dear?

S'right. They're *both* lovely.

>>Just that it's nice and warm and... oh, ghods, not again...
>Yes, again. Hey, we let you take a nap, didn't we?

That's what happens when I choose suede. What? You know, "nap"... "suede"...? Ah, nevermind.

>Whaddya want for nothin?

Everything. Of course.

>>You're a Priest, aren't you?
>No, silly, she's a goddess.

Of course. Silly me.

>>Richard, no longer brave or tired, just stupid.
>Not to mention lucky.

Damn, I thought I was still getting lu--<KAPOW!!!>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's been...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 22 Feb 2001 14:50:26 -0800

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> said:
>>Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>>pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> said:
>>>>Donald Welsh wrote:
>>>>>>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't eat their own body-parts
>>>>>I'll see your cannibal contortionist and raise the worm of Ourobouros.
>>>>I'll see your meal in itself and raise you a can of Campbell's soup.
>>>I'll see you storing your dinner in your telephone and raise you a man living in your refriderator.
>>I'll see your misspelled maverick manipulating my metal meal container and raise you a slightly better alliteration.
>I'll see your slightly superior sequence of successive same-start spellings and raise you a similarly-satisfying set.

I'll see your ten-pack of s's and raise you a theft from the alphabet.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who wonders how much a ransom letter goes for, nowadays.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In/Justice at the Grammies
From: BJ <bjbackitis.alumniSPAM.clemson.edu>
Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2001 21:49:34 -0500

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>BJ <bjbackitis.alumniSPAM.clemson.edu> said:
>>-- BJ (who is glad he didn't marry a banjo player)
>Ya...it's not so bad when she yanks your string taut, but rather when she keeps plucking it with her nails and expecting you to make twanging sounds.


Exactly.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to lie down until this tremendous pain in my... um, well, this tremendous pain I've suddenly developed goes away.

-- BJ (OW.... ow ow ow ow ow)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In/Justice at the Grammies
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 27 Feb 2001 00:50:24 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> said:
>dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>> BJ <bjbackitis.alumniSPAM.clemson.edu> wrote:
>> >Ah, someone had suggested April 1st for the wedding date... more sane minds prevailed. Although I did play a very rotten joke on the then wife-to-be on the 4/1 before the wedding... almost got divorced before I got married!
>> So you didn't get divorced before you got married? That was big of you.
>Come *on* BJ, how long does it have to dangle before you grab it?...

Since he's got now what--two wives?--mayhap he's expecting one of *them* to grab the dangle.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are stuck grabbing their own dangle


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Way Off-topic Tech Question
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 02:57:53 GMT

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie) wrote:
>>I've run into situations where removing the driver and rebooting doesn't work, hence my recommendation. And as for static sensitivity, I think that's all a myth created by the ASWSC.
>Whatever.

No no no. You're supposed to try to expand the acronym into something, not just act like I was being a jerk. Say "Antibiotic Swatch Washing Slobberer Conundrum" or something like that.

>It's a handy way to forestall programmers with screwdrivers.

Why would you want to do that? They need the Vitamin C, and the vodka helps counteract the double dose of caffeine they get from Jolt.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 09 Feb 2001 12:15:47 +1100

thristianSPAMFREEZONE.atdot.org wrote:
> ...affection for iambic pentameter.

Someone gave me one of those for Christmas once. I still don't know what sort of batteries it takes.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In/Justice at the Grammies
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2001 03:51:00 GMT

BJ <bjbackitis.alumniSPAM.clemson.edu> wrote:
>Ah, I am but the apprentice, he is still the master of suck-up. There are always two... a master and an apprentice.
>Hmm... Darth Zadoc? Nah...

Heh. Don't know if I've told this story before or not, but...my previous employer saw fit to hire a fellow with an IQ of approximately 90 or so. Basic pureinbred Georgia redneck, with an accent that made Gomer Pyle sound like a Harvard graduate. That wouldn't have been so bad, had it not been for the streak of absolute evil that ran through the man's soul. He was eventually fired for threatening to beat the sh*t out of a female coworker, simply because she disagreed with him on a minor point of how to stock grocery shelves or something. Anyway, we knew for months before this that the fellow had a serious evil problem, and I dubbed him (behind his back, as he was big, and mean) "Darth Gump." The name stuck. I doubt he would have understood either reference had he heard of it...I expect he would have kicked my ass regardless.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In/Justice at the Grammies
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Mon, 26 Feb 2001 03:37:59 GMT

Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com> wrote:
>Oh fer shurr. But better still is flambe of lame-ass incarnation in a lovely sauce of cognac and green-peppercorn demi-glace... I'll bring the cognac and the demi-glace, you send an invitation to the next lame-ass incarnation that drifts, limply into your in-box.

Oh puh-LEEZE. If we ate every lame-ass incarnation that participates in the Oracle we'd a) be fat as hippopotami and b) depopulate the Internet. Not that item b) would be a bad thing, mind you, but I've my aching knees and ankles to consider here.



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