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2001 01 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Not Quite Newbie TIO User FAQ
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sun, 14 Jan 2001 12:50:07 GMT

Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>drey.speakeasy.org (Otis Viles) wrote:
>>Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>>>Didn't the myth that priests talk to each other get itself a good dusting, recently?
>>We talk to each other, just not about each individual Oracularity. Why, just now we were discussing which RHODent would get to be the lucky sacrifice to the Fire Gods while the Priesthood is on the annual Fiji retreat.
>Care to share your decision?

We hadn't really decided. We just figured the first one to express an interest would be the lucky winner. Congratulations.

-----

From: twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew)
Sorry, FC, we can't use Hetta, she'll be taking care of Zadoc... unless you wanted to stay behind and feed and water him again.

-----

From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Be careful, FC. Given the, erm, "developments" in the Hetta/Zadoc relationship, Zadoc expects a whole lot more than just feeding and watering, IYKWIM.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Not Quite Newbie TIO User FAQ
From: dave.netconnect.com.au (Dave Gerecke)
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2001 13:25:24 +1100

Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
> Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
> >Nah, that lot's far too heavy. See, I want to be able to post pics of frolicking and/or blind drunk priests to the BoRHOD pages, after the treat. You -are- going to do that in daylight, aren't you? My camera doesn't have a flash.
> Here:
> *flash*
> How was that?

Well, Freyja had a stroke but Hetta wasn't quite quick enough


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Scotland
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sun, 14 Jan 2001 18:45:06 -0800

putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie) wrote:
>Sid <sid.00.usa.net> wrote:
>>I have pictures and a scanner but the bloody computer's dead. So I can't put up the pics yet. Will do so as soon as possible.
>Please hurry. I love pictures of snow. Mind you, I *hate* snow in person, but pictures of it are quite lovely. That way, I can look at the pictures and say, "damn, I'm glad I'm not there right now."

Really? Here:

+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+

Hope that helps.
And they said I can't do ascii art...


From: Trog <trog.delete]zoom.co.uk>:
*Please* don't post binaries in rhod. It's jolly bad form.


From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie):

>| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
>| . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|
>+--------------------------^-------------------------------------------+
> . . . . . . . . . . . . ./|\
> . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
>Hope that helps. . . . . . |
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
DAMN I'm glad I'm not there |.

>And they said I can't do ascii art...

I can almost see the polar bear.


From: kofasuk.yahoo.co.uk.nospam (Washing Machine):
It's certainly an interesting idea. When contemplating the work one is filled with an intense feeling of loneliness and solitude, and immersed in a bareen landscape.
Technically it's also very good, though that polar bear's leg is a bit wonky.


From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>:
> Really? Here:

> +-----+
> | . . |
> | . . |
> +-----+

> Hope that helps.
> And they said I can't do ascii art...

Sorry, my ISP made me do it as a thumbnail.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Helen Hunt
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 2001 08:09:50 -0800

Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> wrote:
>Richard Gere is coming to town to film a movie called "Mothman".

Ok, Richard? Good, you've got the suit on. Splendid! Let's attach you to the harness good, good.

Right, well, Dick, you're dreaming that you're a moth again, flying, flying... Yes, that's it flap your wings.

Ok, Hoist Dick up. You're flying in circles, Dick. That's it.


Light the Candle.


Wow, that's a big flame.


Hey, careful with the star!


Wow, that's a big flame.


Ya know, I'd pay the full $9 to see that....

>Viki
>I have no idea why I'm hitting the send button, but I do think Gere is a hottie, no matter what he does in his own free time.

Yes, but he'll cool down after a bit.


From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
I know I've posted it before, but it seems much more appropriate now:

The ultimate moth to flame metaphoric poem

(I know she's around here somewhere)
Pheromone!
. . . . . . .Pheromone! . . . . .Pheromone!
Pheromone!
. . . . . . . . . . .Pheromone!
Ph!
. . . Ph!
Pheromone!
. . (I know she's around here somewhere)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pheromone!
(I know she's around here somewhere)
PHEROMONE!!!!
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!
(flup)
. . . .(flup)
(flup)
. . . .(flup)
Rock!
(splat)
Man, she was really HOT.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy Thanksgiving
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <CGraytwo.kc.rr.com>
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001 02:29:32 GMT

GW De Lacey said:
> Belated thanks for the good wishes. Thanksgiving is probably the only USA influence that hasn't influenced Australia - yet. Give it time though.

I can just see the legend.....
<Teacher>
and in seventeen eighty-eight, the king sent a handful of his loyal subjects who had fallen into disfavour to Australia. Well, actually, he didn't really care whether they reached Australia or not, as they were mostly felons and tax cheats, and they could drown in the ocean for all he really cared. Anyhow, they arrived on these shores, and didn't know which bits to eat and which would kill them. After a few seasons.. . . . . . . and because the savag^Waborigi^First Nations showed us helpful stuff, we have Thanksgiving, featuring foods that don't really exist here, but we are falling victim to the american propaganda. Don't know why, when those silly twits up there in the US don't even recognize that musk is for eating, not dabbing behind their ears. And they don't even appreciate Violet Crumble, even to the point of saying it tastes like soap. Silly American savages haven't even figured out how to make Fruit Tingles. They can't have proper candy, so they make us eat turkey, stuffing and sweet potatoes.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1200
From: Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001 12:48:34 +0000

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Robot Karate Man wrote ...

[snip]

>>and B. the question was mine and the incarnation liked the answer so much they gave it to me twice.
>T'wasn't I, but if supplicants give me questions more than once, I sometimes give answers more than once, too.

I like to take a resubmitted question and give it the much better answer I thought of 30 seconds after hitting 'send'.

Mostly, it's an opportunity to try something different. Okay, so they didn't like the Star Wars Parody. How about fuzzy science? Secret history? A Zadocularity (I mean, damn, those things write themselves)? Highly specific and personal prophesy?

And those are just the formula answers. As a rule, I try not to give the same answer. If it's been a couple of months and my funny answer hasn't been digested, I might recycle it for a similar question and see if a different priest is more desperate^W^W^Wlikes it better - but I won't use it on a resubmitted question.

I mean, the object is to entertain the supplicant, right[1]? If they didn't like it the first time, they're going to like it the second time a lot less.

Dave
[1] I know this looks, to the untrained eye, like I'm contradicting the previous sentence, but trust me - I'm not. Really. I'd love to explain it, but I've run out of room at the bottom of the page.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Might as well fully delurk
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001 12:57:15 -0800

Henriette Kress spoke, and the world listened:
> Wikkit <latebird.usa.net> wrote:
> >What's 1d6+7 mean? It was in T&R and I have no idea what it is, other than something to do with dice.
> It's your weapon damage.
> You have just told the world that you have never played Rogue, Moria, Angband, Zangband, NetHack, or Slash'em. Or any of the others.
> Hetta (So, do you have a lot of time on your hands?)

That sounds like spam to me.

DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR HANDS?

Do you want to fit in with all those folks talking about 1d6+7 and an eerie blue light? Troubled by the constant references to a maze of twisty passages, all alike?

WORRY NO MORE!

NOW, in association with NetHack, Rogue, Angband, and Slash'em, we are proud to sponsor the brand new ASCII-based adventure game: BLAH [1]!

That's right, BLAH will let you sidle into those geeky groups with EASE as you compare notes on how to defeat the DRAGON rendered from . symbols. Discuss MAGICal spells that mostly involve your right hand hovering over the numerical keypad! DIE TIME AND TIME AGAIN trying to battle the indestructible demon-god!

Yes, BLAH is EVERY type of text-based adventure games EVER created! Through bribery, coercion, and sometimes just outright theft, we've secured that this complete unreality-based program fits your every gaming need [2]! Want to be a mage? No problem! Want to fight off space aliens with a trusty AK-47? Doable! Want to be a wizard fighting off space aliens with an automatic rifle? We're here for you!

With BLAH, every second of your free time will be taken up in potentially life-threatening excitement! Who knows what lurks behind the next corner? Why risk it? Use a handy-dandy grenade spell and remove all doubt of safety!

BLAH is available for ALL SYSTEMS [3], ALL PLATFORMS [4], ALL PEOPLE [5]. Throw your free time away, TODAY [7]!

--
pieceoftheuniverse - dang, now my throat is sore from all that shouting...


[1] Border-Line Adventure Holus-bolus
[2] Aside from, of course, actual graphics
[3] must have at least a 1.5 GHz processor with 2 gigs of memory
[4] Linux and Macintosh not supported
[5] If we don't like the look of you, you don't get a copy. Must pass a standard credit check.
[6] There is no #6
[7] Allow six to ten years for delivery.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Might as well fully delurk
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 18 Jan 2001 21:33:55 GMT

Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk> said:
> Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>> Richard Fitzpatrick said:
>>; Eine Klein Bier, Bitte.
>>Right. One Kline bottle of beer, coming up!
>Oh bugger, it's leaking.
>Excuse me, waiter, this bottle has a quantum singularity in it. Can I get a fresh one?

Sorry, but every time I go to grab the outside of it, I accidentally put my hand in the beer.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have a spare spoon in their pocket


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Might as well fully delurk
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001 02:26:50 GMT

BJ <bjbackitis.alumniSPAM.clemson.edu> wrote:
> Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>wrote:
>>Henriette Kress wrote:
>>> Dave Hemming wrote:
>>> > BJ wrote:
>>> >>I'm a sequel... my father was Sr., and I was Jr.... last name starts with a B. So I was BJ, and my father was BS (in his case, the initials were ALL too appropriate).
>>> >>-- BJ (who, with his wife, is working to complete the trilogy)
>>> >A hitchhiker-like trilogy?
>>> >Not counting you and your father, she could reasonably be:
>>> >BA, BB, BC, BM, or BO...
>>> B. Again, Bay-Bee!, B. Clone, B. Mini, or B. Other?
>>> I say number'em. If it's good enough for Canon, it's good enough for the Backitises.
>>> Hetta (Me, I use a BJC-2000.)
>>Just don't name 'im BTT (BIII). Kids are cruel and he will get a shitty nickname.
>You're right... kids are cruel. Adults are more cruel. There will not be a "Third".

But if you let things progress naturally, you could have a great-grandson named B5.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Might as well fully delurk
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001 02:36:19 GMT

Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> wrote:
>Fierce Cookie wrote:
>> Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> wrote:
>> >BJ wrote:
>> >> I have come to the conclusion that you are all a bunch of reprobate, evil, delusional gerbil-molesting rum-swilling lunatics with no grasp on reality and who belong in the deep dark forgotten cellars of the worlds worst homes for the criminally deranged. In other words, I regret not having come here earlier... this is my kind of crowd.
>> >Ok, so I like rum. But I've never molested a gerbil, mister, and you just better take that insinuation elsewhere!
>> Notice she didn't deny having been molested *by* a gerbil. Clearly an admission of gerbilophilia, if I ever saw it.
>Only that one time that YOU forced me, and remember, the hot tub was never the same afterwards!

Yeah, but Synchronized Gerbil Swimming will be the Next Big Thing(tm) at the 2004 Olympics(tm).

I hear the participants will have to wear Scuba Gere.

(Next up -- Synchronized Groaning!)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001 13:06:55 -0800

"Daniel E. Macks" spoke, and the world listened:
> Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> said:
> >Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >>Henriette Kress wrote:
> >>> Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk> wrote:
> >(snip)
> >>> >Just remember to put down some tarps, and have large quantities of moist towelletes handy, and the two of you (well, three and a half if we include Flossie the Mutant Sheep) should have a great time.
> >>> Okay, I'll bite.
> >>> I can almost see why you would count a sheep as half a person. Heck, I could even just about see why you would count one as a full person. You are, after all, a priest.
> >>> But that still leaves the question: why would you count Flossie as 1.5 people?
> >>Psst - check her eweterus...
> >Wow, she's carrying -twins-? Congrats to the Collected Priesthood!
> So how exactly was more than one Priest involved?

"You'll know on Friday."

"Friday? What happens on Friday?"

"Friday's your turn in the sheep costume."

--
pieceoftheuniverse - I'll get me barrel. And me wishing well.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 2001 16:48:00 GMT

Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk> wrote:
>>Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>>>Okay, I'll bite.
>>So I've heard.
>Alright. Which of you guys talked?

Wasn't me.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That's better
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001 19:19:32 -0800

putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie) wrote:
>Just received this via e-mail, from an Italian ISP to whom I had reported a spammer:
>>Dear User,
>>your report has been recorded and we are taking measures towards the persons you have signaled: the user has been disabled. In the meantime would you please accept our excuses for this inconvenience.
>I now feel better for two reasons. 1) I inconvenienced a spammer. Don't argue with me on this. At least *I* believe it. 2) I don't feel so bad about my minor manglements of the French language with those visitors from Tchranna last week.

Geez, I figured you were happy that you got a note from a bunch of Italians saying that the offending party has been disabled. I only wish that our ISPs offered such a service.


Granted Don Guisseppe may ask you for a favor one day...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Top 10 Things Incarnations Should Know
From: Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2001 18:06:18 +0000

Erik Mooney <emooney.SPAMFILTERattila.stevens-tech.edu> wrote:
> BJ <bjbackitis.alumniSPAM.clemson.edu> wrote:
>>Pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> wrote:
>>>The REAL Top 10 Things Incarnations Should Know:
>> [slight snippage]
>>>05) The priesthood loves long stories. The longer, the better. We're talking exceptionally long, the type of answer that would give any publisher worth their salt a woody. The type of answer that make the supplicant dive for the nearest dictionary. The type of answer seen only in Edgar Allan Poe novels, and just as funny. C'mon, you're telling me you -didn't- laugh during a reading of "The Tell-Tale Heart"?
>>Oh yes, this is so true. I won't speak for my fellow priests (mostly because they have the good sense to not let me speak for them), but if it doesn't take at least 15 minutes to read the question and another 15 to read the answer, I'm just not interested. Sound bytes are for the evening news, we're into substance here. Forget Poe, I'm looking for Dickens-esque, perhaps even Tolkien-esque ramblings.
>>[*sigh* The sad part is that somebody won't see the WARNING: HEAVY SARCASM light flashing on this message]
>How about Robert Jordan-esque? Or do the Oracle servers not have that much disk space?

The Wheel of Rhod turns, and regulars come and go, leaving answers that become in-jokes. In-jokes become characters, and even characters have become passé before the incarnation that spawned it gets digested again. In one digest, called 1200 by some, a digest long past, a digest just published, a wind rose in the pants of the Priesthood. The wind was not the beginning; the Chili cook-off the night before was the beginning. But it was _a_ beginning.

Dave
I could go on. Robert Jordan certainly has.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Top 10 Things Incarnations Should Know
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 2001 14:25:15 -0800

BJ laughed mightily as he tortured the tiny keys before him:
<snip>
> -- BJ (wondering what else he doesn't know, and how he would know that he didn't know it if he didn't know it already)

Knowing that you know nothing is the first step towards wisdom. Sadly, it's also just two steps away from complete stupidity.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - speaking from experience.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Top 10 Things Incarnations Should Know
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2001 08:14:20 -0800

pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> wrote:
><SHOCK SRC="incarnation.dum" voltage=max amp=max location=ass duration=max alt="Learned Your Lesson Yet?"><blink>MORON</blink></SHOCK>

aaaAAAAAaAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaaaAAAAaaaaAaAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaAAaaAaaAAAAAAaaaAAAAAA!


*gasp*
owie!
*pant*

Criminy, THAT HURT!!!

A LOT!!!


WOULD YOU KINDLY BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE .%$#! TAGS!!!


<cut>
<paste>
><SHOCK SRC="incarnation.dum" voltage=max amp=max location=ass duration=max alt="Learned Your Lesson Yet?"><blink>MORON</blink></SHOCK>

aaaAAAAAaAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaaaAAAAaaaaAaAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaAAaaAaaAAAAAAaaaAAAAAA!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Top 10 Things Incarnations Should Know
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 20 Jan 2001 17:16:55 GMT

Lionel <nop.alt.net> said:
>Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> said:
>>At Arisia last weekend, I had a button made: EMACS: Enormous Memory Application, Constantly Swapping.
>One of the traditional expansions is "Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping" (although it'd probably be 'Eighty', these days).

Or "Escape Meta Alt Control Shift".

VI--for those who are too uncoordinated to press more than 3 keys at once.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies type with all 11 fingers


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: can one of the medirhodents offer a suggestion?
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 2001 05:42:58 GMT

Fierce Cookie said:
; Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
; >No, thanks. When I needed to know the value of pi, I only needed the it to 8 significant places. I refuse to memorize any more of it. 'Sides, if some malevolent spectre ever takes over my starship, I'll need +something+ to hit the computer with to drive it out.
; What if Dave had tried that with Hal?
; Dave: Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
; Hal: I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do that.
; Dave: Please calculate all the digits of pi, Hal.
; Hal: !!!
; Dave: Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
; Dave: Hal? HAL!
;
; Actually, I guess he would have been in the same mess, anyway.

Next, try it with an original Pentium 90. pi = 3 .


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Not Quite Newbie TIO User FAQ
From: Trog <trog.delete]zoom.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 2001 07:06:52 -0000

Jim Evans wrote:
> Comrade Robot Karate Man wrote:
> > ~Steve-o
> > who finally found something to fill in the long gaps between episodes of Tommy Atomic
> Gar. Somebody needs to learn that boy the definition of "weekly".

Adverb: In a week or feable manner or to a minor degree.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Joy of Communication
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 08:23:35 -0800

Ian Davis managed to type this out during the course of the day:
> And in a rare display of truth in advertising, several years ago Australia Post adopted the logo of a snail standing on its head.

Wow -- you think waiters and snails are slow, but you haven't seen utter inefficiency at it's best until you've seen either the APO or a snail on it's head.

How fast does a snail on it's head move, anyway? Better question: how does it move? I've never bothered to flip a snail over to see if it could still progress along it's slimy path. I've picked them up and thrown them into oncoming traffic, or, if in a slightly better mood, picked them up and tossed them into the brush. For some reason I've always assumed that they were able to adjust their trajectory accordingly so that they would always land properly. The ones that I've thrown in front of me so I could see them merrily bounce along indicates to me that they "roll with it," and are thus saved from any serious damage as long as their shells remain intact.

Turtles, though; turtles have the hardest time moving when on their backs. They panic, which more or less does them in. They start waving around mindlessly, crying out for one of their pals to come by and help them, and then they spot an eagle or some predatory bird high in the sky and immediately start whimpering, thinking it's all over. If it were me I'd try to keep my head about me and attempt to shuffle my way along my backside/shell and see if I could find a way to slip back into the water. Maybe that's what snails do. Maybe snails are actually the smart version of turtles, and can shuffle along until they find something they can grab onto and thus be righted again.

Following that logic, then, Darwin dictates that somewhere there must be snail that were flipped over and began shuffling around, looking for something to right themselves with. They never found anything, and so found a way to breed, eat, sleep, and generally live quite well with their protective casing firmly underneath them. I would think they would move quite well -- in my opinion, it's the snail's slime that, while providing a means of transport, slows them down. Just by rocking and shuffling the upside-down snail would be able to surpass it's right-sided cousins in a hands-down race.

And, since there's a picture of an upside-down snail in the logo of the APO, Australia must be where these new breeds of snails live. What with the drop-bears, the jumping ants, and now the upside-down snails, it's no wonder people like Steve Irwin want to look around to see what the hell -else- is going to pop out of the woodwork.

Not, mind, that I would want to be one of those people.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - envying Australia it's comparatively fast snail, and, of course, it's additionally speedy postal service.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Joy of Communication
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 23 Jan 2001 21:02:58 GMT

Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> said:
> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>>This is reminiscent of an excellent TV comedy sketch written and performed by Ronnie Barker where he plays a man in a builders' hardware shop who asks for what sounds like "four candles"
>>Of the oft-photocopied-around story of the Italian visitting New York. "Two pieces" => "to piss", etc. High-larious.
>I'm disappointed. Nothing from Dan about a "fork on the table."

Why my dear ~Steve-o--what on earth are you talking about, old chap?

>~Steve-o
>it's a sad day when rhod *fails* to reach your low expectations of it.

Some float merrily down the gutter, others go snorkeling.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder how DMP breathes through that thing


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So, who here is a "Merkin"?
From: Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 12:09:32 +0000

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Gordol said:
>; Mmmm... no. I'm nobody's hair, rear or counterfeit, neither for the
>The gremlins are phuqqing with letter substitution on me again.

Actually they saved you from people assuming you're a butt-wig.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Digging through the files -- introduction
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 2001 07:41:31 +1100

thristianSPAMFREEZONE.atdot.org wrote:
> Jschriner.mindspring.com schrieb:
> >Hoping just for sprite that they DO crack open that 36" water main I tried
> . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ^^^^^^
> >to warn them about.
> I can't imagine water-nymphs living in a city sewer, regardless of how much of their natural habitat has been destroyed by encroaching urbanisation.

They wreak their revenge by doing lots of tiny little farts in our fresh drinking water, while the diabetic ones wee in it.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Midnight on the Millennium...
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Tue, 23 Jan 2001 22:21:50 +1100

Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote ...
> Dan E. Macks said:
>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder what would happen to a haiku about zinc using just the word "pants"
>Umm,
>pants pants pants pants pants
>pants pants pants pants pants pants pants
>pants pants pants pants pants
>The zinc is silent

Nah, the zinc is in the kitchen.

I'll get me 'at.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Crocodile Bites Back
From: "Stimpy JC" <Stimpy.SPAM.wgt.org.uk>
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 2001 20:20:05 GMT

Ed Lynn wrote...
> Paul Andinach wrote:
> > Seen in a newspaper in Australia, an article about rhod's favourite naturalist, Steve Irwin. He's been bitten on the leg by one of the crocodiles at his Australia Zoo park, and had to get a dozen stitches.
> > The incident was captured by a film crew.
> > Funny about that...
> The croc is starting its own series, "The Crocodile Hunter Hunter."

But that seems a bit vague, anyone could be a crocodile hunter hunter, the funny thing about this is that the crocodile hunter hunter is of a certain species.

So to capture more attention, and get the largest possible audience, I think the title of its show should be "The Crocodile Crocodile Hunter Hunter", but that's just my opinion.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: !
From: pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com (pieceoftheuniverse)
Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2001 16:19:49 GMT

Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
> twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
>>>This must be that rare use of the word 'save' that means "cause to recoil in terror and suffer an experience so horrible as to be near indescribable."
>>Used most recently in the sentence, "George W. Bush will save America."
>And trade it in for valuable prizes. {sigh}

I would rather he sold it on eBay.

Think about it. This country's value has only gone up in the past two to three hundred years. We purchased it for a limited number of bits, baubles, and the occasional genocide, and now we're pretty much done with it. Let's face it: America has become the plaything of humanity, and now that humanity is beginning to grow a bit older and learning to walk around on it's own, this particular toy is about ready to be put out in a garage sale and sold for whatever humanity's mother deems it's still worth.

And yet we'll -still- make a profit. Have you seen the stuff on eBay? Have you any conception of the sheer idiocy out there? Beanie Babies are, surprisingly, still in high demand, with people shelling out hundreds (if not thousands) to get their grubby little hands on one. The infamous Playstation 2 is selling at upwards of six hundred dollars per -- and that's at the low end [1]. Demand for countries is up; why not cash in while the market is hot?

Sure, there are a lot of people here, but we could just do a little clean-up, a little more genocide, and no one will notice the difference. A neutron bomb here, a plague there, a bioengineered virus spread around liberally, and there will be plenty of free space for the taking. Land values are up; I'm sure G.W.B. could get at -least- several million dollars, if he plays his cards right.

Shipping the country to the buyer could be a problem, but, hey, the Presidential office is full of tough calls...

--
pieceoftheuniverse - willing to colonize the moon (by himself, if need be) rather than be wiped out in the clean-up efforts.

[1] I've been trying to convince my girlfriend we should sell our PS2 and rake in the cash, but she's too busy being entranced by yet another carbon-copy of Tekken to give a damn.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: about the oracle 11.5.2 installation
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 24 Jan 2001 23:45:11 GMT

Chris Reuter <cgreuter.calum.csclub.uwaterloo.ca> said:
>TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>>A group of horribly confused monkeys claiming to be "kelfen" wrote:
>[...]
>>> 2.Rapidwiz will invoke apps univeral install first pass by 8i if the APPL_TOP is set.
>>Ah, Install with and for to get setup by remove the instance of next by the ORACLE_HOME with the rm -ray.
>Unfortunatly, this only works under UNIX variants. I therefore recommend that you install Linux first. Also, the exact syntax is "rm -rf /" and it must be typed while logged in as root.

Okay, so I tried that. But now all my files have become invisible. What should I do next?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like the increased disk quota though


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <CGraytwo.kc.rr.com>
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 2001 13:22:51 GMT

GW De Lacey said:
> > Daniel E. Kenworths said:
> >> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies haven't learned to back out of a semi doing 65 on the freeway.
> I'm reminded of my Italian friend trying to unload a dead D8 (large) bulldozer off his low loader (trailer) by chaining the ripper to an anchor then driving the low loader out from underneath it.
> The loading ramp on the trailer has cleats specifically designed to prevent dozer tracks from slipping.

Umm, didn't he have the presence of mind to either put the damn thing in neutral, or (assuming it was one so equipped) to hit the compression release? Of course, if the tranny were knackered and you couldn't release the compression, then never mind. Out at the truckstop in Ludlow California (near Barstow-maybe it was Barstow), they had pictures of a truck that had an alternative method of uloading a D-8 (might have only been a 7, they're still pretty massive). The driver told the Highway patrol that he didn't bother chaining it down, as he was only going a short way (about 4 blocks, I think), and when he got to the stop sign, he did, the truck did, the Cat didn't. Driver jumped out in time, but the blade of the cat was into the engine by about 2 cylinders. The truck was a conventional (for those of you that don't already know, that means the engine is out in front under the hood, as opposed to a cabover, with the engine between the two seats. Kinda like in an old van, but the doghouse is bigger) and the cab was essentially not there anymore.

Your buddy coulda tried the same approach, but in reverse. Put that puppy in the high side of reverse, get going about 1800 RPM- you'd be doing about 25-30 MPH, hit the brakes, D8 keeps going, and (we hope) stops before hitting anything valuable.

> The track pins are 3 inches in diameter and are a devil to cut with a gas axe.
> Think about it, he didn't.

Is a gas axe the same thing as we up here call a cutting (or more generally, "cuttin'") torch? Going through 3" of steel would take awhile. I can just see trying to get through it with a Dremel and a cutting wheel though. Or a case of cutting wheels, actually.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sat, 27 Jan 2001 14:00:47 GMT

"Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
>"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>| Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> said:
>| >"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <CGraytwo.kc.rr.com> wrote:
>| >>I coulda sworn that it was "Computerized Axial Tomography." I assume they eliminated the axes. Wait, I just confessed to that a few minutes ago.
>| >Yeah, they did. No more axes. You'll have to look for a different job, I guess.
>| Mohel?
>| dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies sell everything 5% off
>And the fishies keep the tips? <EG>

Don't worry about the chainsaw juggler.

-- D. "He's completely armless." W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Date: Sun, 14 Jan 2001 09:44:58 +1100

'Fierce Cookie' wrote:
>Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>> Al Sharka wrote:
>>> What makes you crawl on all fours in the morning, on two in the middle of the day and on three at night?
>>Two litres of ten dollar wine.
>My my, they must be paying graduate students much better these days. I remember only being able to afford the three-litre bottle of Carlo Rossi that cost $6.99.
>I've since graduated to the 5-litre box of Franzia "Chillable Red" at $11.98. I'm quite the connoisseur of wine with other natural flavors.

Heh.
I have fond memories of the Bowen Farmers Co-op Royal Reserve Sweet Sherry. Less than $0.50 a litre, bring your own container (Connoisseurs usually brought a plastic bucket). They would pump it out of a 44 gallon drum.

It was great stuff to take on fishing trips - you could light your camp-fire with it, clean the outboard, *run* the outboard, wash your hands in it...

If you were thirsty, you could even drink it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Heat is On - and a *sad* Gridiron score
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sun, 28 Jan 2001 09:02:12 -0600

Fierce Cookie wrote:
} Hell, there's been ice in ATLANTA of all places this winter. I know the lake at work had to be frozen down to at least three inches deep, and maybe more. What's the minimum thickness for safe skating?

Oh, sure. It's not enough to know that it's cold and deep, *you* need to know how thick it is too.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I just remembered why I quit doing tellmes
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001 19:50:13 +1100

Ian Davis wrote ...
>hetta.saunalahti.fi wrote:
>> Ah, potu, you missed the point. Ian's exclamation was entirely due to that very definite "maybe".
>Correct. Your "perhaps" left

B-b-b-but Hetta said "Possibly"! Oh, wait. You're having a lend of me again, aren't you?

>me cackling quietly for hours. But then, I tend to do that.

Annoys the heck out of the sheep. Especially when, after all that, Ian *doesn't* lay an egg.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti knows which way the egg rolled when the rooster laid it on the point of the roof.


From: Henriette Kress
...down?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yeesh
From: Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com>
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001 12:38:24 -0600

putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie) wrote:
>Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
>>Oh, well. Give me a little more warning next time, I'll round up some people with REAL Texas accents, not my hybrid mishmash. And you really must chat with Ian sometime, it's quite amazing, he's got absolutely no accent whatsoever.
>You're saying that Ian doesn't talk funny? I refuse to believe you. That man had better talk like Steve the Looney, or significant parts of my perception of the world are going to crumble into little pieces.

Look, all I'm telling you is what the man told ME. He said that he had no accent at all -- what, I'm supposed to contradict IAN?

I don't *think* so.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: For those who keep up with such things.
From: pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com (pieceoftheuniverse)
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001 01:53:14 GMT

The Great and All-Powerful Tim Chew spake forth:
| http://www.theknot.com/members/KristinDiSorbo&TimChew
| Not much there yet, but it'll grow.

Well, well. Congrats. (Again, I believe, but what the hell)

Or, if you prefer the slightly more traditional response:

*ahem*

NOOOO! You can't get married! YOUR LIFE IS OVER! No more WILD sexxx on the beaches of Raleigh! No more DRUNKEN revelry in UNDISCLOSED locations! No more WAKING UP in strange beds! You will be effectively DEAD, BURIED, and NO ONE WILL KNOW YOUR NAME!

Besides, isn't there something in the Oracular contract about priests remaining celibate? Or at least castrated?

Oh, wait; you're getting married. Same thing. ;)

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who doesn't have the guest password, and thus cannot, no matter how hard he tries, find out where & when to crash the reception. No, knowing the general date doesn't help, and Raleigh's a big place.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: For those who keep up with such things.
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001 19:04:16 -0800

A group of 13 monkeys claiming to be twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
>http://www.theknot.com/members/KristinDiSorbo&TimChew
>Not much there yet, but it'll grow.

My best to both you and the Princess to be.

And I'll have the good taste to not ask what the "youthful misdeed" was, how many sheep were involved, and whether or not the residents of Mindees Ct ever figured out what the godawful screeching was or how Mrs. Johnson managed to sleep in with all those chickens duck-taped to her Chevy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: For those who keep up with such things.
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Thu, 01 Feb 2001 08:43:25 -0800

A group of monkeys who play things safe claiming to be HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man) wrote:
> Viki wrote:
>>Tim Chew wrote:
>>> http://www.theknot.com/members/KristinDiSorbo&TimChew
>>> Not much there yet, but it'll grow.
>>Best wishes to you both for much happiness and joy.
>Echoed sentiments, but Tim, what's the purpose of putting a password on your guestbook?
>to keep out that rhod riff-raff?

*ring*
*ring*

Hello? Oh Hi Grandma Chew!
Oh, uhm... err... it means "Dear Maternal Person".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: This is wrong on just so many levels.
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 2001 19:10:56 -0800

Ouchy the Clown
http://www.ouchytheclown.com/
Honestly, it's the "Meeting Facilitator" part I'm most curious about.

Gentlemen, shall we begin? Good. According to the agenda we have...

*THWA-PACK*

Mr. Sullivan? What did I tell you about taking the last donut without asking?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Not Quite Newbie TIO User FAQ
From: pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com (pieceoftheuniverse)
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001 16:13:08 GMT

Gordol wrote:
| Sid said:
| ; Trog <trog.delete]zoom.co.uk> wrote:
| ; > Isn't almost everything illegal in Singapore?
| ; Saying that is illegal. Fine - $2000
| ; > Tim, except walking on the cracks in the pavement.
| ; Cracks on the pavement are illegal. Fine - $5000
| Posting the same message twice is illegal. Fine - $42.

Paying the fines with someone else's credit card: priceless.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - well, -someone- had to do it.



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