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2001 01 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 04 Jan 2001 00:19:07 +0000

Trog <trog.delete]zoom.co.uk> wrote:
>Blah rec.humor.oracle.d, blah Dave Hemming ...
>> I thought I'd announce my return by throwing some bloody chum and fish guts into the water behind the boat and waving to the formation water-skiing team.
>With chums like that, who needs enemas?

I'm sure that octopi tell jokes with punchlines such as, "With fronds like that, who needs anemones?"

But they're greeted by looks of baffled incomprehension, as the original phrase does not exist in their language[1].

Still, it plays well to the tourists.

Dave
[1] consisting as it does entirely of colour shifts, arm waggling and ink squirting; and dealing solely with the subjects of where to catch good fish, where the predators are hanging out, and this years obfuscated C++ contest.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 9 Jan 2001 01:20:29 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse <root.pieceoftheworld.com> said:
>"Daniel E. Macks" threw text in the air and it landed thus:
>>pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> said:
>>>Chris Wesling threw his text in the air and it fell thus:
>>>> So you (or your fishies) put dry ice in your (their) mouth? I thought that was dangerous...
>>>> Chris "Didn't a boy in Toronto die from that?" Wesling
>>>Placing dry ice in your mouth won't really cause all that much harm. Swallowing, yes. But leaving it in your mouth is no big deal. It's only, IIRC, -109.3° F (-79.5° C).
>>Ayup. But basically, we were drunk at a party and there happened to be dry ice on hand (ok, actually in a cooler (not that cooler)) and we realized one could put a chunk in ones mouth and smoke-rings. As long as you keep the chunk moving around and don't squeeze on it, it doesn't freeze your mouth to the point of shattering.
>>>Liquid nitrogen is about as safe; well, admittedly, slightly more dangerous. You might be interested in this URL: http://DarwinAwards.com/cgi-bin/frames.cgi?/personal/personal2000-25.html which tells the tale of a man who -swallowed- liquid nitro, and lived to talk about it.
>> I think some chem/physics prof tried to do LN2 in his mouth and ended up shattering his teeth.
>Here I thought that, because of the massive heat difference, the liquid N2 would just hop around like a jumping bean on steroids. Ever see a drop of cold water hit a skillet?

All depends on how much contact area there is, the temperature difference, the coefficient of expansion of the material, lots of other stuff JIM could tell you if'n you care, etc. For data points, I'll simply mention two folks here (so far) have put a heap of no-longer-needed dry ice in their lab sinks (thinking they could get rid of it like regular ice, by running hot water over it).
Safety glasses: $10
Disposable camera: $15
Look on their faces when their sinks cracked: priceless

>> >pieceoftheuniverse - who once had a vial of liquid oxygen, but kept it too close to a lighter...
>> 'cept O2 duesn't burn. Charcoal, OTOH...
>Well, I was -told- it was O2. Actually I have a sneaking suspicion it was gasoline, but I was too afraid to open the vial. Hey, I was only ten at the time.

Was it cold? When you tasted it, did your tongue shatter or catch fire?

>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have the longest stick, milligram for milligram, for roasting marshmallows of any creature in the universe
>That's not a marshmallow! We're sterilizing the cotton swab for the eyepatch!
>I'll get me Threepwood.

Oh, so it's a cotton swab *and* a golf club!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies keep their eye on the ball


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 04 Jan 2001 00:19:11 +0000

drey.speakeasy.org (Otis Viles) wrote:
>HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man) wrote:
>>Odd thing that. I was, just yesterday as a matter of fact, looking for material on the priests to use in an incarnation and so I went to the priestly page (the Oracle priestly, not Jason) and started reading homepages. I say started because I got onto the DH fan page and just got stuck there. My brain just stopped. It was like I was watching Barney.
>A great number of things are suddenly explained by this post.

Don't try and blame the drek in your inbox on *me*, Viles.

Although maybe a health warning at the top of the page might be advisable. Something like,

CAUTION:
"I got onto [this] page and just got stuck there. My brain just stopped. It was like I was watching Barney."

DON'T END UP LIKE STEVE-O!

Although that's good advice generally.

Dave


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Midnight on the Millennium...
From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com>
Date: Mon, 01 Jan 2001 02:15:14 -0800

...was about two hours ago hereabouts. I mark this occasion in the way that we poets do.

When the sun goes down, it writes
a secret name in its own blood for remembrance,
the excess of light
an ardor slow to cool:
and man has time to seek shelter.

But when the moon
gains the horizon, though it tarries
a moment, it vanishes
without trace of silver

and he is left with the stars only,
fierce and remote, and not revealing
the stones of the dark roads.

So it is with the gods,
and with the halfgods,
and with heroes.

__
Julsy

While we're gone, if any talking animals tell you to
buy any tacos or beer, for God's sake do what they say.
Aaron Sorkin's "Sport's Night"

From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
I like it. 'Ardor slow to cool' is evocative of the course of true love. The sun, the moon, the stars ... these touch on the eternal. The final couplet sums up the meaning nicely -- that while friends and love are important, food and drink are vital; and talking animals play a greater role in our lives than is usually acknowledged.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oh well
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 01 Jan 2001 11:22:45 -0800

A group of ego driven monkeys claiming to be Motti <teh.apexmail.com> wrote:
> Sid wrote:
>> teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe]) wrote:
>> Teh!!! You are back! Happy Hanukah!
>Merry Millennium!
>Unfortunately I'm not actually back, I was spending the weekend with my parents and I killed a couple of spare hours on their computer (just doing a bit of ego-searching right now...).

Oh, is that what it takes?

Well then:
You, sir, are without a doubt quite the cat's pajamas [0]. Your wit and personality is like a star bursting in the heavens [1]. When I wish to inspire others, I frequently mention you [2].

If I were in a position to do so, I would happily erect a monument to you and I am quite sure that it would become a very popular site [3]. I understand that you are quite attractive to the fairer sex [4] and that they actually are want to seek you out.

You are a source of pride for your country [5], and are known by hundreds, no thousands of remarkable personalities [6]. Your face will be taught to schoolchildren [7], and your name will be raised in song [8].

You, sir, are a man to be admired. Someone to raise up on a pedestal [9], a giant [10] amongst mortals, and a true superlative [11].


<You think he bought it?>


>So keep up the good work and don't hold your breath, I may return eventually but holding your breath for that long will probably cause major brain damage which -- even on rhod -- might compromise Teh level of your postings.

But, how would we know?

[0] which would be a thick layer of fur covering over a blanket I'm not quite sure why this is a good thing, but I understand that it is.
[1] which, while it does put a bit of a strain on those in you immediate vicinity, is greatly admired by those from afar.
[2] granted, they are often inspired to move away from me, but I do enjoy having the extra room.
[3] the fact that it would probably be a fifty foot, blinking, neon "Free Beer" sign would probably have little to do with it's popularity.
[4] of mosquito, but female none the less.
[5] although, they're a bit desperate since Eddie the Eagle hasn't made many appearances of late
[6] at least until that paranoid schizophrenic next door's medicine kicks in
[7] terribly sorry about that new law.
[8] with any hope, it may even be printable
[9] as it lessens the chance of hitting a bystander
[10] No, really, you're a rather large open bracket one zero close bracket
[11] We'll let you pick one. It'll be easier that way.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bang-whistle-bang, another year.
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Tue, 02 Jan 2001 01:11:51 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>Sara M wrote:
>} Henriette Kress wrote:
>} > Sara M wrote:
>} > >Cici in Texas wrote:
>} > >> No, the best country song ever written is "You Never Even Call Me By My Name," by David Allen Coe . . . I thought *everybody* knew that!
>} > >Nope - it's "Dead Skunk in The Middle of The Road" or "CONVOY" Everybody with any TASTE knows *that*! <g>
>} > You -tasted- it?
>} Honey - you got some horny French dude in a fur dinner suit kissing *your* hand and offering to take you to the Kasbah to make wild, passionate love - what'cha gonna do?
>Watch out for the "3 Biggest Lies"!

It's that last one that always gets me all choked up.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Shift it, Viki
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 01 Jan 2001 21:41:59 -0800

A group of lacy monkeys claiming to be Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>Kapow! I just got my first ever very own, personally-addressed Victoria's Secret Catalogue - you aint got a hope *now*, schweetheart.

Ah, so the judge approved the name change to "Occupant"?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sigh...
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Tue, 02 Jan 2001 10:44:18 GMT

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Tim Chew wrote ...
>>TechnoAtheist wrote:
>>>>Hope you have as much fun with your jetpack and wrist-mounted, small-screen HDTV as I am.
>>>Dammit! Now this is exactly what I was talking about!!
>>>I bet that by the time it's midnight here they'll be all out of that stuff and I won't get mine.
>>I dunno, I've been digging around my back yard all morning, and no bloody monolith.
>*Tycho* Magnetic Anomaly, you twit, not *Raleigh* Magnetic Anomaly.

So he should be digging around his toy train set?

>ACC would *never* write a novelisation about RMA-1 and RMA-2.

Yah. Those Return Merchandise Authorization numbers are pretty boring material, and not really all that futuristic.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Alright!
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <CGraytwo.kc.rr.com>
Date: Tue, 02 Jan 2001 10:51:47 GMT

Spuddie said:
> Cheryl
> ~~~If you think you are too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito.~~~

Somehow, that fails to give solace.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: SL: No questions
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 03 Jan 2001 08:06:01 -0800

Richard Fitzpatrick said something like:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote ...
> >Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> >> I was the supplicant. The incarnation and I agreed that it was now okay to SL this.
> [potu's later comment moved to improve context]
> >...I don't remember talking to you about it...
> [THWAP] We didn't. I was just playing along with Otis' little joke.

[The heavens part, and a beam of sunlight punts my head across the field of play. Over the loudspeaker one can hear the announcer shout "GOOOAAAAL!"]

Oh. Right.

> >Hmm. That sounds a lot like an incarnation I pulled off a long time ago (the green smoke tipped me off, since I've always been a fan of green smoke. I did one of those with a dog, too, but that's neither here nor there). Let's see if I can find it in my files...
> >No. Odd, that. Let me look in my Really Old File...
> It probably was you:
> Sent: Tuesday, 14 March 2000 11:54
> Rec'd: Wednesday, 15 March 2000 4:49 AM

I finally mustered up enough courage to descend into the depths where my Really Old File is kept. The spiders were easy enough to handle, for I had wisely thought to pack seven industrial-sized containers of Raid. But the wolverines were not so easily persuaded to leave me to my own devices, and the sword I had brought for just such an occasion was soon torn to shreds (I -hate- the sound of tearing metal). Luckily I had been jogging, else I would have been no match for their speed and ferocity. It was a near miss, even then, as I was only just able to dash just outside the reach of their leashes. If that wasn't enough, I had forgotten the sixteen-digit password that would allow me access to the Sacred Terminal, and so I had to fend off a particularly hungry leopard (I have to start remembering to feed that poor guy) while punching in the correct numerals within the time limit. Leaving him the rations in my sack, I entered the Sacred Vault and stepped ever-so-carefully upon the tile floor. Just as I had suspected, no less than seven traps awaited my occasionally-errant feet (but I won't bore you with how I was able to circumvent those ingenious devices) but I was able to safely navigate my way to the Terminal with few cuts and bruises. After disarming the nuclear device, I booted the Terminal and waited for a full fifteen minutes for the electric charge built up in the mouse to discharge. Once I was able to access the file, I verified that yes, that was me, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who is, by the by, trapped here, since I don't have any more rations to deter the panther.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: How long?
From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com>
Date: Tue, 02 Jan 2001 18:08:17 -0800

Sanford Manley <manley20.bellsouth.net> wrote:
>Julianna Avedon wrote:
>[snip]
>> It should be noted that Steve Kinzler is a busy man with a career, a family and the Internet Oracle as a time-sucking hobby. It's not as though he sits around giggling over our posting habbits in his *spare* time.
>[snip]
>NOW I know why I don't get digested more often (burp)! I don't wear the right "posting habbit."
>Where can I find a guide for materials and construction of a proper habbit?

With the nuns of the above.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: How long?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001 01:09:15 -0500

Comrade Julianna Avedon wrote:
> latebird.usa.net (Wikkit) wrote:
> >Anybody have a concrete number? Or is POTU Kinzler in disguise?
> ..and here I thought Hook was Kinzler in disguise....

Hmm. If POTU == Kinzler and Kinzler == Hook, then POTU == Hook. However, we all *know* that Hook is one of ~Steve-o's personalities, therefore POTU == ~Steve-o.

Or am I missing something?

JIM, they're all DMP!!!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: How long?
From: Dave Hemming <surfbaud.waverider.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 07 Jan 2001 23:42:33 +0000

HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man) wrote:
> Fierce Cookie wrote:
>>Ever wonder what happened to the "inactive" members of the priesthood?
>I always assumed it had something to do with not cleaning the sheep when they were done.

Naah.

When you become a priest, you have a big red "Standby" button fitted, for those times when it all gets too much and you start running round the Temple with your underpants on your head.

Then you get stacked in the broom closet with the other inactive priests, and the one on the bottom is taken out and reactivated.

Isn't this in the FAQ?

Dave


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: <PUNCH>!
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Wed, 03 Jan 2001 01:24:07 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Sara M schrieb:
>>Samuel Rusk wrote:
>>> Sara M wrote:
>>> > Erm - Viki... What's with the whip and the bunny costume...?
>>> Sorry. The groundhog costume is in the cleaners.
>>Hmmm - I'm not all that familiar with your quaint little Northern American creatures...
>>What does a groundhog look like again...?
>Like a treehog, without the wings.

No, you're thinking of the deadly Drophog.

>Screwtape,
>...stupid treehoggin' hippies..

What bugs me are these protest signs they put up everywhere they find road construction. Seems I can't drive through a place where a bridge or road-widening project is going on, without seeing one of those signs that says "End Construction." Damn liberal commie pinkos, think they ought to run the whole world.

From: Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com>
What I hate are the bossy signs. "Begin Construction." Look, guys, I'm BUSY, I don't have TIME to build any roads!

From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
It's a plot by the secret emperor of China, Ped Xing.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: <PUNCH>!
From: Richard Fitzpatrick fitzmor.webone.com.au
Date: Thu, 4 Jan 2001 08:47:27 +0000

>Sara M wrote ...
>>Samuel Rusk wrote:
>>> Sorry. The groundhog costume is in the cleaners.
>>Hmmm - I'm not all that familiar with your quaint little Northern American creatures...
>>What does a groundhog look like again...?

A little bit like this:

+--------------------+
| .... (\__/)....... |
| .... /O O `. ..... |
| ....(O__, ..\ ....|
| ....../ . ...).... |
| ..... |-| '-'.\ .. |
| ......( .._( . ) . |
| ....'---.~_ _ _& . |
| .................. |
+____________________+

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Only they don't always arrive in boxes.

From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
What - a cross between a polar bear frozen in ice, The Dog On The Tuckerbox, and Fatso the Fat Arsed wombat on a trampoline...?

I don't want to know *why* it's in the cleaners *do* I Viki?


Newsgroups: comp.databases,comp.databases.oracle.marketplace,comp.databases.oracle.misc,comp.databases.oracle.server,comp.databases.oracle.tools,rec.humor.oracle.d,relcom.comp.dbms.oracle
Subject: Re: about data independence
From: Trog <trog.delete]zoom.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001 23:06:05 -0000

Blah rec.humor.oracle.d, blah ¤Ñ©w ...
> the problem is that "Explain how both Logical Data Independence and Physical Data Independence" can be achieved in the ANSI/SPARC architecture of a database management system.

Easy. Logical Data Independence refers to data (a collection of facts from which conclusions may be drawn) that are capable of, or reflecting the capability for, correct and valid reasoning based on an orderly, logical, and aesthetically consistent relation of parts, free from control or influence of another or others. Physical Data Independence means pretty much the same thing except that in this instance we're talking about physical stuff, which means that it has to have substance or material existence - it's got to be perceptible to the senses.

In order to achieve this in an architectural sense or, to put it another way, with regard to the principles of design and construction and ornamentation, you may use a database management system, as opposed to an autocratic management system or even a committee management system. Forget the ANSI/SPARC thing though - that's a typo. It was meant to be the anserine/spank architecture.

> thankx

Don't mention it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1198
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Date: Wed, 3 Jan 2001 09:15:29 -0500

Robot Karate Man, a beast of pure hatred with purpose malign, wrote:
> A cousin "once removed" is a cousin who is a generation away from you. The great-grand child of your grand parents would be your cousin once removed.

Ah-hah! I knew that paternity test was bullshit!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Season's Greetings
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 03 Jan 2001 07:51:34 -0800

Tim Chew said something like:
> Screwtape did thusly type:
> >Tim Chew schrieb:
> >>Chris Wesling did thusly type:
> >>>Ian Davis wrote:
> >>>> "I'm free!"
> >>>As we always suspected...
> >>Well, I didn't pay for him.
> >You don't pay for priests!
> That's right. We come as prizes in cereal boxes.

That probably explains more than you meant it to.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - I've almost collected enough UPC's to get me a Julsy!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yeesh
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 03 Jan 2001 21:34:14 -0400

dave.netconnect.com.au (Dave Gerecke) wrote:
> I am a lurker but would like to know the location of the Best of Rhod
> TIA
> dave

AAHHH! Sheesh, at least cough or something, sneaking up behind someone like that could give them a heart attack!

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yeesh
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 04 Jan 2001 09:20:09 -0800

Chris Wesling mangled my text in the following way:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> > "Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> > > dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder what "toad" means when used as a verb
> > That reminds me of a particularly bad joke:
> > There was a baby pigeon that just couldn't seem to fly. The mother would constantly kick the baby out of the nest, but for all it's struggling to position its wings correctly, it couldn't arrest its plummet to the ground. Finally the mother, giving up, said, "I'll just have to carry you around for the rest of your life, I suppose."
> > Aghast, the nestling cried, "No! I don't want to be pigeon-toed!"
> Ack! You set it up perfectly, then muffed the punchline. It's supposed to be "I don't want to be pigeon-towed!" Otherwise it's not a pun, see?

Oh. Right.

Well, I just realized that the joke didn't fit dan's question anyway. So here's another terrible one:

So there's this frog, right? And he's stuck on this lillypad in the middle of this pond, right? And he can't get off because he, like, can't jump and stuff. So he's trapped. But his frog friends are very helpful, right? Because, they, like, knew him when he was just a tadpole, right? So they ask him if he wants them to pull his lillypad around the pond so at least he can see the sights, right? And he recoils in horror, see, saying "I don't want to be toad!"

Damn. Screwed up the punchline again, didn't I?

> BTW, this is the first post of yours that's showed up on the .home news server in I don't know when. Yay, .home news tech support! [1]

Hurrah, potu's plan for eventual Usenet Domination!

Oh, wait. You weren't supposed to know about that one.

Meet Igor. Igor, I have a new victim^H^H^H^H^H^Hfriend for you...

> Chris W.
>
> [1] I originally reported it via email to .home Tech Support on Dec. 18, and for some unfathomable reason they routed it to the Email Support Services group.

Well, of course. Naturally they assumed that you were the problem. That's Rule #1 for techs: The User is always at fault. Followed closely by Rule #1a: Except, on rare occasions, when they're actually complaining about something real.

> Who sent me an email to say they were looking into it, then did nothing for more than two weeks.

That's Rule #4561981b: If the User is not at fault, stall. Maybe the problem will fix itself.

> (Boo, .home email tech support!)

Now, now. They were just going by the book.

> So two days ago I asked them for an update, and they emailed me yesterday to say I should send my problem directly to the news tech support group instead.

Hmmm. That's a strict violation of Rule #63c, which states: If the User is audacious enough to think that he/she/it deserves an update on results, reroute, reroute, reroute.

So you should have spent at least twelve more days being given the run-around.

> So I did that *yesterday* [2], and it's fixed today.

Well, yes. That's Rule #906548901984519549081890479149847920: If the User is patient, things will get fixed. If the User is not patient, throw them out on their ass.

> Nice to know *somebody* in .home support knows what they're doing.

I don't know. That violation of Rule #63c really concerns me. I'll have to talk to management about taking away gaming privileges.

> [2] After replying "Why didn't you tell me that the *first* time, you twits?" to the email support folx. Grrr...

Technically, though, it wasn't the email support who sent you to email support, now was it? No. It was the general .home tech support that decided where you needed to go. And, technically, they were absolutely right. While email didn't know how to fix your problem, they did know who -would-.

Actually, all that is rather moot for two reasons:
- it's fixed now.
- there's only one tech in the whole of .home.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - just odd that he routed you to the wrong version of himself, but I'm sure that's bound to happen sooner or later.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yeesh
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 06 Jan 2001 18:07:26 -0800

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Freyja said:
>; | ; | ; I called him on his cell phone for orders.
>; | ; | Do you want fries with that?
>; | ; A doc actually said that once. Not twice. He still lives.
>; | I gotta know the context of that one...
>; Not much context. I called the physician for admission orders on a patient, and he asked, "Do you want fries with that?"
>; I froze him with a Look when he later set foot in the nurses station.
>Oh, that's boring.
>This past week, I've started giving "weird" answers to store clerks standard questions. Like, after I've paid for the thing and they ask if I want a bag, I'll answer "No thanks, I'll eat it here."

Pah, I've been doing that one since High School (I started it when I went to a gaming store and bought dice. I used to go through them a fair bit.)[0]
Now I do things like:

"Paper or Plastic?" "Plastique, please. I'm remodeling"
or
"Tapir, it will be fun for the kids."
"Do you need help?" "No thanks, I'm just looting."
(even better when you're holding something).
"Have you been helped?" "Yes, and the medications are wonderful."
"May I be of service?" "Yes, definitely! But not right now."

Thankfully, I have an understanding wife. She doesn't hit me quite as often now.


[0] No, I don't look like that, well, not anymore.

From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
"Is this seat saved?" "Not yet, but we're praying for it."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yeesh
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 6 Jan 2001 19:41:17 GMT

Freyja <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> said:
>"Dave Gerecke" <dave.netconnect.com.au> wrote:
>| I was hoping to catch someone with coffee almost to lip. now what am I going to do. just hope that they will not pay any attention to your warning and then over time...
>They forget quickly. We're talking the memory of a fruit fly.
>I'll prove it. Let's get some fruit...

Oh, we've got a *long* memory. We remember to back when RHOD actually had something to do with RHO. When we had to walk up hill both ways in the snow, when we didn't have punch-tape and had to use our arms instead, when we made a kite by tying a scrawny guy to a vine and flew him during thunderstorms just to get electricity to drive our room-fillin' 1-bit computers. No, the main problem we have is just that we're so easily distracOH LOOK, A PAPERCLIP!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies remember when they were kidnapped from FC's .sig


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yeesh
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sun, 07 Jan 2001 14:59:54 GMT

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Freyja said:
>; | I was hoping to catch someone with coffee almost to lip. now what am I going to do. just hope that they will not pay any attention to your warning and then over time...
>; They forget quickly. We're talking the memory of a fruit fly.
>Time flies like a banana?

No, FRUIT flies like a banana. Time flies like a big bowl of apple cider vinegar.

No wait, that's fruit flies too. I'm not sure exactly what time flies like.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Monolith
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Thu, 4 Jan 2001 23:54:28 +1100

Robot Karate Man wrote ...
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>LOL, Steve. You can be a hilariously vicious so-and-so sometimes. Or should that be viciously hilarious?
>How do you think I've survived so long in RHOD?

Oh, I figgered that out long ago. Inordinately thick skin, dryness and a dash of venom. :-P~~~

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti thinks that makes RKM a Gila Monster.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's URL time!
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 05 Jan 2001 07:48:03 -0800

Gordol shook the heavens with the following URL:
> http://www.hatsofmeat.com/

Top Ten Slogans hatsofmeat.com went through before settling on "One always looks neat, in a hat made from meat." [1]

10) "Attract flies with cows that died."
09) "Food -- it's not just what's for dinner."
08) "Pork: the -other- furry cap."
07) "Meat juice: the shampoo of the 21st century."
06) "Sandwiches with a side of head."
05) "I eat, you eat, we all eat our hats of meat!"
04) "Make future archaeologists shake their heads in wonder."
03) "Grade-A meats for Grade-A fashion."
02) "Friends, countrymen, lend me your steers."

And the Number One Slogan hatsofmeat.com dismissed out-of-hand:

01) "Ground, cut, sliced, or fried, you just can't beat a hat that's died!"

--
pieceoftheuniverse - I fear for the future of our species.

[1] Actually, I don't know which is scarier: that they liked this slogan, or that they attribute it to Mark Twain.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Annual Holiday
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <CGraytwo.kc.rr.com>
Date: Mon, 08 Jan 2001 19:25:21 GMT

Sara M said:
> Umm GW - Lennon wasn't *in* the Grateful Dead...
> <runs>

<offers loperamide and sympathy>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1199
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sun, 07 Jan 2001 15:12:21 GMT

Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>MUUUHaahahahaahahah. My plan for world denomination is working nicely.
>Hetta (Wait, that didn't sound quite right...)

"They're Hetta and the Brain..."

No, that's not right, since you're supposed to be the evil mastermind. Try again:

"They're Pinky and the Hetta..."

Still doesn't work. Sorry, you will not be allowed to make plans for world domination, since your name doesn't work well in a theme song. Butter leck next time.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1199
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 08 Jan 2001 08:25:39 -0800

Henriette Kress threw her text in the air, and it landed thus:
> (anyway, interesting votes. Another question to the assembled priesthood:

Well, I'm not part of the priesthood, but I'm pretty sure I can give a more-or-less definite answer. This being rhod, I'm sure someone will leap off tall buildings and assorted bridges to prevent me from leading you astray -- unless it's more humorous, that is.

> if I vote, say, 3, today, and change my mind and send in another vote which says, say, 1, does the program take my new votes or just ignore me?)

I'm assuming you're talking about e-mailing your votes. Your answer is: no.

You can't do that. Once you vote, that's pretty much it. If you vote by e-mail, your address is then blocked from voting on that particular digest. If you vote via the webpage gateway, you have to enter a username and password (and, after you vote you'll get a nice little page saying "You have voted on all digests open for voting. Go away. Now.") which serves to prevent that kind of ballot-box stuffing.

Or removal.

Or replacement.

Or whatever.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - don't ask me how I know that. Just know that one of my digested incarnations did NOT receive a score of 4.2 as I had originally planned... [1]

[1] I'm just kidding. I would never attempt to stuff the ballot-box [2]
[2] Intentionally [3]
[3] Not that I'm saying it could be done by accident. [5]
[4] Or even if they did. [7]
[5] Well, maybe. [6]
[6] If the voter didn't know what in sam hill they were doing. [4]
[7] Anything's possible. [5] [8] [9]
[8] In an infinite universe [12]
[9] Obviously I'm not going to describe how it might be done [11]
[10] I should shut up now before I go much further.
[11] I don't want to give anyone any ideas. [13] [10]
[12] Not that this one is, but it's a nice saying nevertheless.
[13] Although new experiences are usually a good thing. [14]
[14] Though not necessarily for all involved.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: SL, I've left it long enough now
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sun, 07 Jan 2001 15:13:48 GMT

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>>Comrade Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>> Half your luck. I don't have any cultural or genealogical ties outside of Australia
>>[snip]
>>Faith 'n' begorra, mate, how's an abo end up with a name like "Fitzpatrick"?
>Lots of aborigines have Irish names.

Yeah, who was that tennis player...Yvonne O'Goolagong?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fursuiters URL
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Date: Sun, 7 Jan 2001 22:30:36 -0500

Patrick Shaughnessy wrote:
> If you're already gonna be a different species, what's the big deal about doing gender while you're at it? It's just one more chromosome among many.

That's wat I said back when they caught me with that stallion. Man, those 'bama cops have no sense of humor...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fursuiters URL
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 09 Jan 2001 08:40:10 -0800

A group of winged monkeys claiming to be Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> TechnoAtheist said:
>; A group of monkeys who know what you want claiming to be Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>; > TechnoAtheist said:
>; >; http://nico.best.vwh.net/fursuit.cgi
>; >; Kinda also explains a bit...
>; >I wonder if he can do a B5 EA uniform...
>; What fun is that?
>; Let's see him do Shadow.
>Nah. A Vorlon. Without the encounter suit, their +real+ form, as seen in "Falling Toward Apotheosis."

Hmm, Well I'm guessing first you'd need about fifty pounds of glow-in-the-dark silly putty, and some insanely fast sculpting skills...

Look, it's Jesus.
*whap*splat*scrape*slap*
No, Surely it's Budda!
*whup*whap*sput*slap*
Are you blind? It's Mohammad!
*wap*slap*sput*plop*
It's Elvis!

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fursuiters URL
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001 01:18:49 GMT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> said:
>>I like a woman with a little atmosphere
>Yeah...air-heads are the best.
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if you can deflate 'em for easier storage

Yeah, imagine my embarrassment on my wedding night, when I tried to unplug my wife's bellybutton after the consummation.

I *still* haven't figured out how to hide her in the bottom of my dresser.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Obligatory New URL
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Mon, 08 Jan 2001 11:31:06 GMT

HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man) wrote:
>Ok, fine, obligatory odd link. I'm assuming this was translated from some textbook they give the elementary school kids in France. It eez: How to be obnoxious en Francais!
> http://yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au/~mongoose/french/

Wow! This is better than the Alannis Lyric Generator. Lookie what I wrote:

Monsieur Karate Man,
Mes sentiments pour vous sont inchanges depuis le premier instant ou je vous ai vu et ai pensé quel clown. Aujourd'hui je comprends que vous ayez l'hygiène d'un buffle et la loyauté de Judas.

Votre physionomie me revolte. Votre cou est trop crotte et vos yeux sont trop petits. Vous êtes si laid que même les americains se moquent de vous. Vos amis sont tous imaginaires et souhaiteraient que vous disparaissiez. Rendez-vous donc compte que vous êtes un personnage tragique et retournez dans votre marécage natal le plus tôt sera le mieux.

Je savais que vous n'apprecieriez pas une lettre en anglais car on vous insulte regulierement dans cette langue. Je vous vous ai donc écrit en français, la langue de la grenouille.

Agréez, Monsieur, mes salutations hypocrites,
Fierce Cookie


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ave score
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 8 Jan 2001 17:33:16 GMT

Tim Chew <twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com> said:
>Wikkit wrote:
>>Anybody know the average score of all digested ocularities?
>As of Wednesday, 3.02. That is out of a total of 12779 oracularities chosen for submission.

Wait--I haven't voted for #1199 yet!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have the largest epsilon, milligram for milligram, of any creature in the universe


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hetta!
From: HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man)
Date: Mon, 08 Jan 2001 20:20:55 -0000

Henriette Kress wrote:
>HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man) wrote:
>> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>>>My e-mail keeps being DENIED by your server (what did I ever do to you?), so I'm going to have to say this here and let everyone else interpret it completely and totally wrong:
>>>"Yes."
>>>pieceoftheuniverse - that's "yes, go ahead," not "yes, don't." And I'm honoured.
>>This doesn't have anything to do with that "baby Zadoc" thing, does it?
>Oh no. Our secret is out!
>Oh well. With the way the little darlin's wailing his throat out, I guess the noise would've alerted you lot to the fact sooner or later.
>Hetta (-talk- about colic!)

And that's just POTU, the baby's even worse! <ba-doom-tish>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: yshl kia vksy scccd amij olikb lfmtf slirp kesx
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <CGraytwo.kc.rr.com>
Date: Mon, 08 Jan 2001 23:34:34 GMT

cxukxv wrote:
> Eehsf fik ola sdmsnnu scckceq a flpqebi decyvd mile!
<<rest of it snipped, because I care>>

Please, let us know when you have the collected works of Shakespeare, and spare us your interim progress reports. Thank you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2001 16:24:26 GMT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>Tell 'im to take the aardvark out of his pocket.
>Oh sorry, wrong thread. I'll get me Playbill.

Is that the "entertainment" magazine for ducks and platypuses?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001 12:46:35 -0600

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> Also Sprach Fierce Cookie:
> > >Maybe it was just a passer-by with a camera and a wicked sense of humour...
> > Arse doctors gotta have something to put on their CVs.
> What makes someone want to be a proctologist, I wonder. Maybe the hours are good.

They are typically people that like to look up old friends.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Radio nerds?
From: BJ <bjbackitis.alumniSPAM.clemson.edu>
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001 23:44:49 -0500

putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie) wrote:
>I bought Alex a radio kit for Christmas, and we put it together. Now I think we're hooked on the radio/electronic kit thing. Anybody out there have any interest in or info on electronic projects for nine-year-olds? One of my cow-irkers gave me a url for amateur radio info at www.ac6v.com, and from there I found the Crystal Radio Society's website, at http://www.midnightscience.com. Some very cool info and history, plus some projects to work on. Are there any enthusiasts here? I don't know how far we'll dig into this

Sir, put down the solder gun and step away from it slowly... nobody needs to get hurt here.

Please, if you have a shred of compassion and love for this child, DO NOT send her down this dark road of misery and rejection. I got a crystal radio kit when I was eight or nine. I spent the next 17 years collecting Radio Shack and Heath catalogs. I listened to shortwave radio, which lead to CB, which lead to a amateur radio license (Amateur Extra class as of 4/15/00). I built my first computer... and my second... and my third... I helped start the chess club in my high school. I got an engineering degree. All because of that evil cursed crystal radio set, I became one of *them*.

We all know these type of people. I *am* these type of people. And I know the hardships they struggle through all their lives. The ridicule. The hatred. The scorn and contempt. Good heavens, man, she'll join the chess club! Do you really want that guilt on your soul for the rest of your life?

For your sake and for hers, take the electronics kit, destroy it down to the subatomic level (or more if possible), and buy her a Game Boy Color with a few assorted Pokemon games. (If she takes the Game Boy apart to see how it works, it's too late.) Buy her a Britney Spears doll (or give her the one you've got hidden away in the bottom drawer of your dresser). Hang N*Sunk[1] posters in her room and let her watch late night television. She'll, of course, become one of the zombie children from hell that will be ruining our world in about 30 years, but she'll be much more socially well-adjusted.


[1] yes, I know it's N*Sync... I heard them on my shortwave radio once.


-- BJ (who still collects Radio Shack catalogs, but only for the articles)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Might as well fully delurk
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Sat, 13 Jan 2001 21:20:22 +1100

Daniel E. Macks wrote ...
>TimC <tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au> said:
>>No grasp on reality? You mean, you can't model my head by an infinitely conducting infinite planar sheet? Or that there isn't a complex wavefunction waving through this room before me? Damn, I'll get me beer.
>Would you mind a spherical beer? It's all we've been able to handle yet.

Eine Klein Bier, Bitte.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti dips potions into themselves.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: In an ideal world...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2001 22:01:27 GMT

"Oh, Jim?"

"Oh, hullo, car. How's everything out in the carport?"

"Fine, fine... Listen, Jim,... you know it's winter now, and it's getting pretty cold at night..."

"True."

"I hear on the weather report it's supposed to go down to -20 tonight."

"That's cold."

"Right."

"You're okay with that, though, right? I mean, you're made of metal, got plenty of anti-freeze, all that sort of thing?"

"Oh, yes, anti-freeze is fine, thanks. Look, Jim, I should let you know that I'm planning on a dead battery tomorrow."

"What?"

"I'm about due, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind the rest."

"Er, look... does it have to be tomorrow?"

"Well, I want to take advantage of the cold weather, you know. Tell you what - how about Wednesday, then?"

"Actually, car, this whole week is bad for me. I've got laundry to do, shopping, I'm running back and forth between school and the NRC - you know that's a bugger to do by bus --"

"Next week, then?"

"Well... can't you put it off until spring, maybe? It'd be a lot more convenient if I could ride my bike."

"Well... I don't know, the cold weather..."

"I'll make you a deal - I'll take you in for a nice lube and oil, brakes check, all that stuff, this weekend, and then on the first day of spring - bam! You get your well-deserved dead battery."

"Hmm. Okay, I guess that's fair."

"Perfect. Thanks, car. You're a real chap."

"Don't mention it. Oh, and one other thing --"

"Mm hm?"

"The hot water pipes in the bathroom would like a word with you when you have a minute. Something about freezing up tomorrow night."

"Okay, I'll pop round. Thanks car."

"Oh, quite."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: In an ideal world...
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 13 Jan 2001 22:51:06 -0800

A group of dieseling monkeys claiming to be Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
<snip>
>"Oh, quite."

*pop*
istening to KFOG. It's another beautiful day in the Bay Area
(whup)

Yawn, Oh, man, it's 6:30 already. Honey, it's time to *CLUNK*
Dammit, car! what are you doing here?

It was cold out in the garage, and I was lonely.

But how did you?

JR, Your stupid CAR dripped oil on the rug again.

What!?

I got scared.

That's it. Get out of the bed!

But.. But..

I don't care! Enough is enough! Oh man, now how the heck am I supposed to get those tread marks out of the sheets!?

I'm sorry...

Well, sorry isn't good enough buster. Where did we go wrong? Huh? I get good gas and frequent maintenance for you and what happens? Huh? I come home from a long day and find you in the living room watching Speed Buggy.

*sniff*sniff*

Aw, man, don't cry, you'll get windshield washer fluid all over again.

Did you upset the car again?

BWAH-Haw-haw!

Oooh, there, there baby. He didn't mean it! He's just all grumpy in the morning. Aren't you?

Well, I am when I smack my head against a rearview mirror first thing in the morning, Ow!

<Say you're sorry, or it'll start crying again!>

Oh, right, Yeah, I'm sorry car. I love you.

*snivel* You're just saying that.

No, I mean it.

*sniff* Can we go to the mall then?

The mall!? *sigh* yeah, we can go to the mall so you can play with your friends.

Yay! *beep*beep* Yay!

Ok, ok, now go outside and warm yourself up. I need to go take a shower.

Thank you! *beep!* *Vroom.....*

You can be so mean sometimes.

Yeah, fine, whatever. Tell you what though, after the mall, I'm taking it to the mechanic to get it fixed.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In an ideal world...
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 14 Jan 2001 20:31:37 GMT

Dave Gerecke <dave.netconnect.com.au> said:
}TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
<snip>
}> Yeah, fine, whatever. Tell you what though, after the mall, I'm taking it to the mechanic to get it fixed.
}Fixed!
}Never say FIXED around a male.
}Please
}dave
}who groaned and clutched his ....

master cylinder.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have, milligram for milligram, the longest dipstick of any creature in the garage


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Not Quite Newbie TIO User FAQ
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sun, 14 Jan 2001 01:14:34 GMT

Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie) wrote:
>>which ewe Ian seems to fancy at the moment (the last one wasn't much to look at, but she was quite the conversationalist.)
>... do tell?

Well, I don't like to gossip...but you promise not to tell anyone else? Okay. Like I said, she wasn't very pretty, as sheeps go, but she had a certain, shall we say, gift of baaa. I think this was what attracted Ian to her in the first place. It was a good thing she showed up, too, as he was still desolate over the loss of his one true love, Ewegenia, who had been a militant member of the OLF (the Orsine Liberation Front). One of the OLF's "demonstrations" went bad, and Ewie (as Ian called her) was a tragic casualty. On the positive side, I will say that we all ate heartily of mutton for the next week or so. Anyways, Ian's last squeeze (the talkative one) was named Lola Merriwether, and she brought him out of his shell. They were so cute together, him in his magnificent long robes, and her frolicking about, begging him to get off. A short fling like that was really just the thing he needed. Alas, such good things must come to an end, so to speak. When Ian discovered that Lola wasn't quite the ewe Ewie was, if you get my drift, he was a bit incensed. Despite her protestations of having always felt like a ewe trapped in a ram's body, Ian felt he'd been had, and broke off the relationship. Again, we all ate heartily of mutton for the next week.

As for Ian, he's sworn off the wool for the time being, which is good news for me, since I get the pick o' the paddock. I'm sure he'll return to his old sheep-charming ways, though. As they say, once you go baaaa, you never go baaaack.



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