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2001 07 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: '+K Ex-Armed Forces, Armed Forces, Curious... '+K
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2001 20:50:35 -0400

El Sigmonstro wrote:
> "But I've always thought--tests are a gift. And great tests are a great gift. To fail the test is a misfortune. But to refuse the test is to refuse the gift, and something worse, more irrevocable, than misfortune." (Cordelia [Lois McMaster Bujold, "Shards of Honor"])

She must have been a pain in the ass to take first-year chem with.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: '+K Ex-Armed Forces, Armed Forces, Curious... '+K
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2001 10:29:58 +0000

Rhodnius schrieb:
> Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
>>Is "Unbreakable" any good?
>Nope. Just saw it, or rather about the first half of it before walking away in disgust. Exactly the type of movie I hate most: plot as old as the hills (normal man discovers he has not-normal powers and thus is target of those who wish to exploit him) with lots of big immense music and yelling people that add exactly zip to the story and serve only to fsck with your emotions.

So what's the plot number of that?

Many years ago, my family (after a spate of eerily similar movies from the local videohaus) decided that some movie plots were so old and overused that they should be numbered, and the oldest and hoariest of them all was Plot Number 1.

In a Plot Type 1 movie, a bunch of no-hoper geeks and weirdos is involved in some form of team activity, which they are all really crap at. Along comes a visionary, enthusiastic leader person who gives them Vision and Purpose, and as they practice they get Really Good, and start winning things.

Eventually, at the climax, they're involved in a contest with some other team, and being gradually worn down. Suddenly, a tragedy occurs - one of their number is incapacitated for some reason, and they despair. Their leader-type comes along and gives them a pep-talk, commonly including the phrase "if you really believe in yourselves, you can do it!". The underdogs then go on to win.

Classic examples of Plot Type 1 movies are every Mighty Ducks movie ever made (I've not seen #3, but I honestly cannot tell the difference between #1 and #2). Cool Runnings was almost exactly PT1, except they lost in the end. Dead Poet's Society might also be considered PT1, grown up and moved away, with a degree in philosophy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: '+K Ex-Armed Forces, Armed Forces, Curious... '+K
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 21:17:07 -0700

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>TechnoAtheist wrote:
>> pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>>>"2001," by the way, is nowhere to be found.
>>What!?
><snip>
>>I'll have you know if it weren't for that movie Darth Vader would have had a menacing eye twitch.
>How do you know he didn't?
>--
>pieceoftheuniverse - who also always wondered what Anakin did when his nose itched.

Used the force.

Or a coathanger.


Actually had a discussion today at work about Darth and general tactics.

Other Guy: So why didn't Darth just do the choking trick to all the rebels? Would have saved a lot of wear and tear on the TIE-fighters.

Me: Oh great, now I have this image of him standing on the deck going "I'm Pinching your Head! I'm Pinching your Head!" More to the point he's got a battle station the size of a planet going after waves of fighters right? I'd be asking questions like, "So, how fast can we get this puppy going?" and "You think we can pick up the spare?"


Missed opportunities are all around, I tell ya.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Generally speaking...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Mon, 16 Jul 2001 19:21:12 -0700

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>Chris Wesling wrote:
>>pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>>> Teddy Roosevelt
>>> John Paul Jones
>>> Wesley Clark
>>> William Tecumseh Sherman
>>> Napoleon Bonaparte
>>> "Stonewall" Jackson
>>> Dwight D. Eisenhower
>>> Douglas MacArthur
>>> Omar Bradley
>>> George S. Patton
>>> Robert E. Lee
>>> Ulysses S Grant
>>> Duke of Wellington
>>> Lord Nelson
>>> George Washington
>>> William Westmoreland
>>Odd. TA said he scored as "Mills" (no first name given), but I don't see a Mills on your list. Was he pulling our leg, or did you miss some possible selections?
>I merely grabbed the list from http://www.military.com/ResourceContent/?file=lpm_results.htm
>It appears TA was making an joke based on some form of historical education. Since this is not rec.humor.history, I suggest we give TA a hearty THWACK!

From the notebook of General Mills:

Mon Petite Mdm. Crocker,

Yoplait some trix on me, no? I chex the field, and do you know what under the wheat ies? I look, and Pop! Secret!. I thank my lucky charms it did not fall into the hands of the lousy dunkaroos, or this battle, she would be over nesquick, no?

Still I miss your breakfasts. I love the coffe sip and the cinnamon toast crunch, they were quite the kix. I look forward to seeing you and your golden grahams soon. You're such the Honey Nut.

Cherrio!

G. Mills.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: <broooom>
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Mon, 16 Jul 2001 04:23:52 GMT

Jim Evans said:
; Comrade TimC wrote:
; > Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
; > -- Robert Firth
; Just like astronomers consider anything heavier than helium a "metal".
; So Robert Firth named his son Robert, would be able to call him Robert Firth the Thecond?

And if his son, and +his+ son were all called "Robert," then he would be Robert Firth the Fourth.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: <broooom>
From: tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au (TimC)
Date: Sun, 22 Jul 2001 20:59:28 +1000

Richard Fitzpatrick (aka Bruce) wrote:
> John D wrote...
>>Gordol said:
>>>John D said:
>>>; A name only an Irishman could properly pronounce is part of the curse, the remainder being genetic predilections toward excess weight and alcoholism.
> Great! Let's get fat and drunk together.
>>>What's so hard?
> Must... resist...
>>>I pronounce your name "John Dougherty".
>>You see. That's exactly my point.
>>I've lived with it my whole life, and even I'm not sure whether my last name has 3 syllables or two.
> I say it with four. Only so it sounds longer than mine, of course[1].
> Richard F.
> [1] Now, how often do you hear a bloke say that?

Have you ever noticed it is shorter when you say "Dick Feynman"?

Still, not as good as our former head of department, who had "Dick, head of department" put up on his wall.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Michelle?
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 16 Jul 2001 21:44:15 GMT

Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.home.com> said:
>Henriette Kress wrote:
>> Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>> >Screwtape wrote:
>> >> ...who, if he had money, and found an appropriately stocked bookstore, would buy the Complete Set Of Calvin & Hobbes like *that* <snaps fingers>
>> ><Expression of melancholy lamenting Watterson's retirement>
>> <Agreement>
></Agreement>
></Expression>
></snaps>
>Furrfu, doesn't *anyone* around here close their tags?

Like you're one to talk.

</asharka>
</cwesling>

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies won't address the headers at this time


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bucket of prawns (not pineapple)
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2001 22:28:52 -0700

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Jim Evans wrote:
>>Comrade Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>> I'm off like the subject line in the hot sun. To stroll on river and ocean beaches in Goolwa, drink wine, eat Mum's cooking and play bridge. Once our house-sitter arrives, that is.
>>> Take care, everyone and hope to catch up with you in a few weeks.
>>Have fun, Fearless Leader.
>Thank you, we had a great time. Although I am no longer fearless and do bugger-all leading these days.
>Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti has had another THOUGHT.


*blink*

*blink*

PANIC


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Submitted for opinions
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 26 Jul 2001 00:15:10 GMT

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
>Robot Karate Man wrote:
>> Viki wrote:
>> >>> I can't help it. I need help. Please, doc, I'll just lie here on the couch and tell you all about ...
>> >> zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
>> >/me sneaks out the door without paying the bill....
>> You can get away with that because nobody's dumb enough to sue a lawyer.
>Not true!
>I just filed a brief in which I claimed that a co-worker, an attorney in my office, provided ineffective assistance to his

As long as it wasn't (as I read it) "infective assistance". (Sorry, the joke about lawyers screwing their clients is out for renovation.)

>client... ergo, altho it's not a direct lawsuit against him, still it's a similar kinda thing.

So who does your cow-orker hire to defend himself--you? Then you could just sit around all day playing with your own briefs.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have a joystick but no Atari


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAJOR WOODY GAURENTEED
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2001 17:37:02 +0100

I don't know. First General Mills, now Major Woody - the names of American military notables utterly unknown to the rest of the world are evidently legion. Next, no doubt, we'll get Colonel O'Truth and Brigadier Iardlyevenewer.

And what's with all these postings here lately offering penis enlargement in the subject line? I get all hopeful, read the body text to find out more, and they're all to do with poultry! Now what, I say what in tarnation (pay attention when I'm talking to you, boy) would I want with a huge cock?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*---Any of this getting through to you, son?--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAJOR WOODY GAURENTEED
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 20 Jul 2001 18:48:41 +0100

TimC <tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au> writes
>Damn you Dick, if I had been smarted, your post would have ended up in the bit bin. Make sure you put a "Re: " in the subject line, so my filter doesn't kill you! (Having said that, One of the tests I forgot to include was two consecutive ~'s.

Churnpuke (as Pcak insists on calling my software) automatically adds the "Re:" when I follow up, and takes it away again if I change the subject line. In this instance, it decided to take it upon itself to change the subject line for reasons both mysterious and cybernetic (it removed the nine or so spaces before the Sanskrit slogan "LEcU"), and thus removed the "Re:" while I wasn't looking. Sorry 'bout that.

I can't believe I just produced such a boring post. How to make amends, how to make amends?

"Wish I were a cassowary
On the plains of Timbuctoo,
I would eat a missionary^W^W^W^W^WNo, no, no, no, no

I know, I'll tell you a true story. There was a near miss incident on a Qantas jet some years ago, when a turbine fan blade broke off inside a jet engine, shot through the casing and the hull and lodged itself in one of the toilet units. No-one was injured. The accident investigator reported that it was the first case he'd ever seen of the fan hitting the shit.

Okay, so it's probably an apocryphal true story.

Don't worry, folks, there's no way I'm hitting SEND on this one.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---*-*----*-----*---( oops... )---*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAJOR WOODY GAURENTEED
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 20 Jul 2001 18:53:53 +0100

TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com> writes
> Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>>Now what, I say what in tarnation (pay attention when I'm talking to you, boy) would I want with a huge cock?
>> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
>> --*----*---*---*-----*---Any of this getting through to you, son?--
>You're not DMP, are you?

I thought we all were. Did somebody change the rules whilst I was away?

Hetta, it's time we had a FAQ.

(OW!) No, I said (OW!) FAQ (OW!) as in F-A-(OW!) (OW!) (OW!)

Jeez, those birch twigs are lethal weapons... (OW!)

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*---Hell hath no fury like a herbalist innuendised--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The economic political realities of middle American psycho-developmental states
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2001 17:40:53 +0100

Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> writes
> Lemon Fresh Muffet wrote:
>> Serial killers: do they read newsgroups, and if so, do they read this one.
>I resent that. Just because I fit the profile doesn't mean I'm going to kill anyone.

I have the same problem. I've never succeeded in getting accepted for a job where the interview included a battery of personality tests. In all other cases, no problemo.

This is NO COINCIDENCE! I clearly have the same personality profile as Doctor Crippen, Hannibal Lector, Cthulhu and Tim Henman! At least ONE of those people isn't terminally CORRUPT and EVIL! (I mean, old Hannibal, he's a bit of a sweetie, isn't he?)

You and me, RKM, we're the victims of PERSONALITY PREJUDICE! We must defend ourselves against these PSYCHO-BIGOTS! And I don't know how those dismembered limbs got into the herbaceous border.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*-Who, in REALITY, would APPEAR to have THE---
--*-----*--*----*----SAME personality PROFILE as Robert McElwaine--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The economic political realities of middle American psycho-developmental states
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 06:40:31 +0100

TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com> writes
>Granted, what I really want are the BBC weather title girls. That chick with the sprinkler on her head is H-O-T!

Not the Beeb - that's ITV too. And you clearly haven't grasped the symbolism: the chick with the sprinkler is R-A-I-N.

(Truth to tell, it's so long since I watched ITV news & weather - Charlie and Emma notwithstanding) - I don't recall what hot looked like. I remember the eskimo snowflakes, and the scary windy man, and the foggy woman with lightbeams coming out of her eyes who can only have failed the X-Men entry exam by a narrow margin... I tell you, my children, a lot of wacky-baccy was smoked in the design studio the night they came up with that lot.)

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---"Gads! We're done for! It's Cyclops, Wolverine and--
--*-----*--*----Chance-of-Light-Showers-in-the-Afternoon Woman!"---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The economic political realities of middle American psycho-developmental states
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Fri, 27 Jul 2001 21:57:36 -0700

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote ...
>>Also Sprach Richard Wilson:
>>> http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/stechilton/emma.htm
>>"she even once appeared on the cover of a girl's magazine!"
>>That's nothing. I once appeared inside such a magazine for 7 consecutive weeks. Anyone with access to editions of "Girl" from spring 1982 can find out what I look like.
>I'm not sure which is more disturbing:
> o that factoid; or
> o that I remotely considered trying to verify it.
>Richard F.

Well, it was partly due to that horrible printing accident he doesn't like to talk about.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The economic political realities of middle American psycho-developmental states
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 11:36:55 +0000

Gordol schrieb:
>Oh great... make me feel old, whydon'tcha?

I found these weird-lookin' black plastic things in the back cupboard - about 12 inches across, flat, round, covered in concentric grooves.. is it a frisbee dating back before the discovery of aerodynamics, or what?

Screwtape,
...who bamfoozled a Telstra employee today with the word "boustrophedon".


From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Fascinating.
I thought they stopped making boombabooms before the War.

A rare find indeed.

You place each one on a dish and put it into a moderately hot oven for 15 minutes.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The economic political realities of middle American psycho-developmental states
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 12:43:16 +0000

Richard Fitzpatrick schrieb:
>Gordol wrote ...
>>Richard Fitzpatrick said:
>>; >>Oh great... make me feel old, whydon'tcha?
>>; At least you're not almost twice his age.
>>How do you know?
>Sometime in the last three-and-a-half years or so it was revealed that you are younger than me. At least, I thought so. My D.O.B. is guveq bs whar 1960. Yours?

Did you *know* you're exactly 20 years older than me? One day when you were out drinking and having fun with your mates, I was screaming, naked, and covered in blood in a completely different part of the country.

Screwtape,
...whose (randomly picked) mobile phone number contains the year he started kindergarten and the year he finished high-school.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The economic political realities of middle American psycho-developmental states
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 31 Jul 2001 16:47:51 GMT

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> said:
> Richard Fitzpatrick said:
>; >I found these weird-lookin' black plastic things in the back cupboard - about 12 inches across, flat, round, covered in concentric grooves..
>; Ashley, just one groove on each side... 'cept that special one with Messrs Cleese, Palin et al.
>Why, does theirs only have on groove, that covers both sides at once?

Ah yes, records produced unver the Moebius label.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if that's how they thought of The Song That Never Ends


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The economic political realities of middle American psycho-developmental states
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2001 07:54:28 -0700

"Lemon Fresh Muffet" <cosmic_muffet.hotmail.com> wrote:
>Serial killers: do they read newsgroups, and if so, do they read this one.

Do you hear it Clarice? The silence of the Crispies?...

>I need to know for a friend of mine who lives in my houseplants and claims to be the devil.

Oh, man! "The" Dave L.? Man, I haven't seen him since college. I know he's a bit reclusive, but man that boy could party! Heh, I remember once when he got these two chicks from Bio and man they were hot! We had to wait half an hour for them to cool down enough to eat. Really wish he'd taken the down off of them first.


Oh, and I don't think he's just living in your houseplants, but at least they'll grow really well.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: New Aussie sport: Use a decomposing whale for jump practice
From: "Bugrrit" <Igor.stenchorama.cm>
Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 22:33:34 +0200

This little gem got to me.

Picture the following scene:

A sad victim of a boating accident (Boat vs Whale 1-0), exhibit A, formely know as a big fat whale is aimlessly floating somewhere near the Australian shore. Nature takes it's course and in a swift period of time old Blubber is surrounded by great whites and other mobile garbadge disposal units with sharp theet.

Being this the era of modern media a large mass of press and fisherman and tourist kind of types visit this spectacle while old Dibbla is selling whale sausages on-a-stick and Blubber is becoming more smelly and icky while losing it's pounds.

Enter a man. Not just an ordinary man and not even Crocodile Steve or Rex the angler. No, just the average kind of genetic material walking this plane. Exhibit B then performs a magical act and makes me wonder when this world will come to a grinding halt. He leaves his boat and steps on old slippery Blubber and goes about patting great whites Sharky, Brutus and Sheila on their heads..


Crikey indeed, as they would say but, here comes:
This country USA hosts a friendly organisation called PETA. These nice folks coincedently launched there campaign "Eat the whales", because the brother or sister of Blubber has meat that outweighs that of five hundred pigs.

Yup, I see a new Oliver Stone movie in the making.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explained (sort of) URL
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 09:20:08 -0500

Screwtape wrote:
} Jason Willoughby schrieb:
} >Gordol wrote:
} >> Once bitten, twice shy. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on +me+.
} >Two heads are better than one. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
} Too many cooks spoil the broth. Many hands make light work.

Abstinence makes the heart go wander. Family breeds contempt.



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