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2001 07 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More absence
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 1 Jul 2001 03:31:51 +0000

Kitsune Ninetail schrieb:
> Sid wrote:
>> For the next few days I will be busy debating at the Australs and then I will be flying home. Save a couple of jokes for me.
>Right. We'll hold the Barbie when you return!

I bags the Ken!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sigcreature
From: Kitsune Ninetail <kitsune9tl.hotmail.com>
Date: Mon, 02 Jul 2001 15:16:24 -0700

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Kitsune Ninetail <kitsune9tl.hotmail.com> said:
>> Bruce Lane wrote:
>>> kitsune9tl.hotmail.com says...
>>>>> I'll see you ignore the French maid waiting to give you a sponge bath and raise you a motel with hourly rates.
>>>> I'll see your accommodations in the Red Light District, and raise you a sailor on shore leave.
>>> Ok, I call. (lays an impressive card spread on the table) Three-quarters-full house! Let's see 'em!
>> Well I've got three Ladies and a couple of Jokers.
> Those are no ladies!
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think they're queens

Well they look like ladies, and as long as they keep their skirts down I'm willing to treat them as such.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A more-or-less on-topic sort of thingy
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 03 Jul 2001 08:01:32 +1100

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>>Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> said:
>>>Personally I favour pressing cuneiform symbols into dollops of wet clay using a sharp stick. A scanner and the OmniPage Sumerian extension pack do the rest.
>>You're a master of cunneilinguistics, eh?
>>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if he's a good baiter too
> It's not the same. (*sigh*) Where's Ian Davis when you need him most?

All right, all right! Get the pumpkin, the mice, the dog, your old dress, and let's get going. I'm not doing the glass slipper thing this time though, my insurance won't cover it any more. And as for the "kissing the frog" excuse: the appellate court didn't buy it.

Ian, who never could resist Richard Wilson (he's so dreamy!)


From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Oh, there you are, Davis. Well, defend your territory, man! Don't let these young whipper-snappers come in here and start telling mouldy old jokes about cunning linguists and Rev. Spooner's shining wit - that's *your* job. Otherwise, before you know it, rhod will be the place where peanuts are regularly assaulted and the custard is always full of sharks.

>Ian, who never could resist Richard Wilson (he's so dreamy!)

That's the anaesthetic's fault - it hasn't worn off yet.

Dentist: Do you want an anaesthetic?
Me: No.
Dentist: Oh. Er...
Me: Why? Do you want it?
Dentist: Well, yes, really.
Me: Don't let me stop you.
Dentist: No, I mean, I prefer to give anaesthetic. In case people jump and scream.
Me: Does that happen to you a lot?
Dentist: Are you sure you don't want an anaesthetic?
Me: Oh, go on then. If it'll make you happy.
Dentist: So you *do* want an anaesthetic?
Me: No.

I happily put off having a filling replaced for 10 minutes in this way.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---*-*-Dybing dis bost wid dub libs-*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A more-or-less on-topic sort of thingy
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 6 Jul 2001 13:49:14 +0000

Jellyroll Papadopoulos schrieb:
>Also Sprach Jason:
>> pcak
>Sorry I'm late. The Thames at Dagenham Reach hit a daily average temperature of 21.5°C on Monday night.

Whoa - heat wave!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A more-or-less on-topic sort of thingy
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Sat, 7 Jul 2001 09:55:53 +1000

Jason wrote:
>Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
>> Also Sprach Jason:
>> > pcak
>> Sorry I'm late. The Thames at Dagenham Reach hit a daily average temperature of 21.5°C on Monday night.
>I assume that's......good?

Unfortunately not. It means that every yob in the Upper Thames Valley has been pissing in the river.

Richard, wanting to rename it Yangtse Kiang.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A more-or-less on-topic sort of thingy
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 14:07:01 +1100

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
> Gee, I wish I had a job with such cool acronyms.

I believe there's one going at the Swan Hill Institute of Technology here in Victoria.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A more-or-less on-topic sort of thingy
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2001 17:11:10 +0100

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> writes
>In that case, may I recommend that you +never+ get an endoscopy done. At least, not while you're conscious. It involves sticking a TV camera down your throat to look at your stomach from the inside.

My friend Liz had one of them. When it was finished, she was told she could pull it out now. She pulled. It came out without the TV camera.

Weeks passed, and the TV camera didn't come out the other end either.

Visions of "Innerspace", with a teeny tiny TV camera forever floating around the inside of her body, with the skeleton of a teeny tiny TV cameraman still grimly hanging on to it.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--But this is still preferable to the "Fantastic Voyage" scenario--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A more-or-less on-topic sort of thingy
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 09 Jul 2001 12:27:58 +1100

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> It is NOT the job of the patient to remove medical instruments from their own body that were inserted by doctors.

THANK you. I wish someone would tell my patients that, they do it all the time.

Ian.


From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Yeah, well the rest of us use a narrower definition of the term "medical instruments", Davis. Under the circs, you should consider yourself lucky you haven't been struck off yet.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*-Time to trundle out the hoary "just a small prick" gag again?--


From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Look, I don't care, that artificial heart itched like a motherfu


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A more-or-less on-topic sort of thingy
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 11 Jul 2001 17:11:10 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>Comrade Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>> Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> said:
>> >Weeks passed, and the TV camera didn't come out the other end either.
>> Maybe she should just eat more weeks and see if they'll flush the camera through.
>No, weeks are too low in fibre, that's the problem. Try oats, or leeks, or shag carpeting.

Okay, I shagged the carpeting. Now what?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies never knew "rug burns" was a venereal disease


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1224
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 4 Jul 2001 09:11:51 +0000

Gordol schrieb:
<snip>
>"Spacing is only invoked under conditions of mutiny or treason." (Ombuds Wellington, B5 "The Quality of Mercy")

Or if you're really desperate to make you essay take up the full 10 pages.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Excuse me...
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 3 Jul 2001 01:02:55 GMT

Ben Fisher <ben.fisher.spam.buster.intel.com> said:
><ahem>
>AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
><pant><pant>
><faint>
><crash><thud><tinkle>

So like, um, you gonna close those tags, or should I keep my pants open?

>Ben
>it's been a hell of a day

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies aren't finished tinkling


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Millennia ago...
From: Kitsune Ninetail <kitsune9tl.hotmail.com>
Date: Mon, 02 Jul 2001 15:20:12 -0700

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Kitsune Ninetail <kitsune9tl.hotmail.com> said:
>> Bruce Lane wrote:
>>> This one is kind of aimed in Kitsune's direction, since I can see s/he's into the I Ching, but I would never say 'no' to other RHODents adding their commentary.
>> Well the only reason I put the 64 Base judgements
> So you're saying Judgement Day came and went and I didn't even recognize it because it was MIME-encoded?

I would have thought that the Army of white faced clowns, shooting people in the park would have been a quiet giveaway...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Millennia ago...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Mon, 02 Jul 2001 21:25:37 -0700

A group of monkeys who've got a yen claiming to be Jason <jbeasley.primary.net> wrote:
>Bruce Lane wrote:
>> This one is kind of aimed in Kitsune's direction, since I can see s/he's into the I Ching, but I would never say 'no' to other RHODents adding their commentary.
>> I studied parts of the I Ching a while back. After a few nights, I saw a pattern in the ... dang it, I don't remember what the patterns of solid and broken lines are called.
>> Anyway, the pattern I saw was -- are you ready for this? -- Binary! Thousands of years before the first logic circuit, and the Chinese already understood and used binary!
>> Parts of our planet's history never cease to amaze me. I wonder if one can make a discrete flip-flop (that's FLOP this time, Dan) out of I Ching coins?
>That's so silly. Obviously, the Chinese were using barcodes. It's in keeping with that whole "inscrutable" image.

Master, I have a question.

The wise prince removes his shoes before entering the temple.

Yes, yes, I'm sorry Master, a thousand apologies it was of the most urgent nature. There. Master I have come from Xaoxing with a request.

What is your request, seeker of knowledge?

Strangers from far away have arrived. What are we to do?

Hmm. Let me consult the ancient codes. Bring the Yellow Box of Learning. It is on the shelf over there.

Yes Master. Here it is.

Give it to me. Hmm... mmm.... [Bip] [bk-zzz-zzz]

Master, what is that noise?

The noise? Err, it is merely the voice of wisdom speaking to me. Here let me consult the Holy Receipt of Guidance.

What does it say?

Hmm, I am not certain. I need more guidance. A bit of chance to guide the way. Do you have any currency?

Master?

Yes, a few simple coins will do. Ah, yes, that will work. I will place these in the Till of Fortune. Here is your change. Now, take the Yellow Box of Learning with you, along with this Receipt of Understanding, and this Coupon of Discount.

Thank you Master, but what does this say?

That?

Yes. the Receipt of Understanding.

Understanding was it?

Yes.

Ah let me see.

It says: Corn Pops 18oz. $3.95

I do not understand, Master.

It is not wise to delve too deeply in such matters. Enjoy the contents of the Box of Learning as part of this nutritious breakfast.

Good Day!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oh my god... it's full of cheese....
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 06 Jul 2001 00:26:36 -0400

Comrade Gordolzola wrote:
> Chris Wesling said:
> ; hot dogs they had were these "cheddar cheese dogs", which were beef hot dogs with pockets of melted cheddar cheese embedded sporadically through them. Sounds weird now, but I just thought these were great stuff at the time. I've always been quite fond of cheddar cheese, so that was a large part of it.
> http://www.cheese.com/Description.asp?Name=Cheddar
> Cheddar
> Description:

<predator-raptor mode=ON>
> The most widely purchased and eaten cheese in the world.

As opposed to gouda, which is the most widely purchased and shaped-into-decorative-centerpieces cheese in the world.

> Cheddar cheeses were originally made in England, however today they are manufactured in many countries all over the world. Fully cured Cheddar is a hard, natural cheese.

Pick one:

  1. "If the cheddar is not fully cured, Viagra is an effective treatment."
  2. "Great Scott, Dr. Science, this cheese is unnaturally hard!"

...or make up your own.

> It is shaped like a drum, 15 inches in diameter, with natural rind bound in cloth.

I now have an image of hippies gathered in a park, drumming on large slabs of cheddar.

> Normally, the color of Cheddar ranges from white to pale yellow. Some Cheddars, however, have a color added, giving the cheese a yellow-orange color. Cheddar is always made from cow's milk

So if somebody offers you "cheddar" made from bull's milk...

> and has a slightly crumbly texture if properly cured.

Cheddar: The opposite of leprosy.

> If the cheese is too young, the texture is smooth.

It would be illegal to touch this one.

> Cheddar gets a sharper taste the longer it matures. It is generally matured between 9 and 24 months. The important thing in purchasing Cheddar, is to consider the age of the cheese.

I don't care how "smooth" you like your cheddar, it's against the law to solicit cheese under 18.

> Milk is heated to 86 degrees F and inoculated with a lactic starter culture. After an hour rennet is added. When the curd is firm, it is ground down to marble-sized bits which are heated to 100 degrees F. The whey is discarded and it is sliced into slabs.

When the slabs cool, they can be hammered into shape, ready to be shipped to the assembly line, or further treated to produce such variants as stainless cheddar and carbonized cheddar.

> The curd is pressed overnight and stands for 4 days in a cool atmosphere.

...until it understands what it did was wrong.

> Unlike other well known cheeses,

like Regis Philbin,

> Cheddar's name is not protected so it has been used and abused by many producers around the world.

Don't think of it as "abuse". Think of it as "open source cheese".

Okay, the porn stars calling themselves Cheddar are an abuse of the name, I'll admit.

JIM, "Cheddar From Behind IV: Semi-Hard and Crumbly!"

</predator-raptor>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oh my god... it's full of cheese....
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Fri, 06 Jul 2001 00:08:41 -0700

A group of chewy monkeys claiming to be tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au (TimC) wrote:
>Gordol (aka Bruce) wrote:
>> TimC said:
>>; Yeah, but you yanks have *orange* cheese. Sickos.
>> Not in +my+ kitchen. There is a definite taste difference between the white and orange cheeses of the same type. The orange ones don't taste as good.
>I had never even heard of orange cheese until I flew to Merica, where it was served on the plane with this plastic chicken stuff. Needless to say, I ate neither. And funnily enough, after all the problems I had, I will not be flying "united Airlines" again.

Uh, Tim. I don't think the plasticy orange thing was cheese. Your first clue was probably the fact that it started inflating when you unwrapped it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A couple short ones
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 12 Jul 2001 08:56:45 +0000

John D schrieb:
>Furrfu, didja hear what st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) said:
>>(for non-Strines unfamiliar with the peculiar geography of Australia, the state of New South Wales is actually toroid, with the territory of Canberra being the void in the centre)
>ITYM "annular", unless Australia has some anomalous physical laws you should be explaining.

I... er.. we're not allowed to talk about that. They'd revoke my birth certificate.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A couple short ones
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 21:34:18 -0500

Ian Davis wrote:
} "Richard Fitzpatrick" wrote:
} > Not so much predictable as temptable.
} Some would say I'm exactly the opposite, whatever word that would be.
} Ian.

Contemptable?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Michelle?
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 9 Jul 2001 23:28:28 +0100

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> writes
<snip>
>Sid and Harry seem to be on hols,

Ah, but they aren't. I can now exclusively reveal that they've been fully occupied with making the movie of how their monumental partnership started, provisionally entitled "When Harry Met Syd". I also hereby offer a sneak preview of one scene from the film that's already destined to become a classic:

Harry: Wotcher sayin', that wimmin fakes horgasm?

Syd: Me cows an' kisses says most wimmin 'as at one time or anovver faked it.

Harry: Gerahttof it!

Syd: If yer arsks me, me cows an' kisses fakes sex altogevver.

Harry: Well, nobody ain't faked it wiv me!

Syd: 'Owcher know?

Harry: Corse I know, pillock! Doncher fink I can tell the diff?

Syd: Ooo...Cor...Ooo...

Harry: Wotcher up ter nah, yer daft git?

Syd: Oh...Oh strewf...Ooo Oh blimey...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh cripes...Oh stone the crows dahn the Old Kent Road Oh! Oh...Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow...Oh...Oh... Ow Ow Ow....Oh... Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow...Oh...Oh... Oh... Oh lumme strike a light Oh... Oh... Huuhhh...

Harry: Wot wos that allabaht?

Syd: Yer put yer crate of twenny gross made inner Yookraine mobile phones on me foot, dincher?

Harry: Well, yer shooder moved it, plonker.

Woman at another table: Whatever he's having, I don't want it.

Waitress: Don't worry, madam - we've taken it off the menu.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---Expecting Hoscar nominations any moment now, inni?--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: <broooom>
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 15 Jul 2001 19:35:09 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>Comrade TimC wrote:
>> Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
>> -- Robert Firth
>Just like astronomers consider anything heavier than helium a "metal".
>So Robert Firth named his son Robert, would be able to call him Robert Firth the Thecond?

And if *his* son was beknighted, he'd be "Thir Robert Firth the Sird."

Speaking of "sird", this is getting quite ab-.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wish JIM would stop wasting my time


Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams,alt.fan.afda,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: I'm back (not that I was ever gone)
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 09 Jul 2001 13:07:02 -0600

Hello, all!

I see the portal is still, technically speaking, open, so I'm sure no one would mind overly much if I butted in and said "hello" to all. Which I did up there.

Anyway, I was off for a week as my company (and most of the country I happen to live in) thought that celebrating an obscure and incorrect date by launching explosive incendiary devices and having cookouts was an important thing for us all to be doing. Resolute in my determination not to conform to the masses -- and the fact that I hate it when people crowd around to look at things blowing up -- I preferred, instead, to devise a plan to take over the world.

I was sure I would succeed for two specific reasons: I did not have any idiotic lackeys to hold back by plans of global domination (in fact, I had a complete lack of lackeys of any sort), and from what I could see no one suspected my scheming. Which meant, of course, that no superheroes could come bursting out of the sky and thwart me in the nick of time.

As it turned out, superhero intervention wasn't even necessary. As it stood, my plan -- or rather, The Plan -- revolved around the fairly basic, if only slightly incorrect, idea that the entire planet is, in fact, made up of pineapple chunks. The idea was to take the population of the planet under my grasp during the Fourth of July -- another slight miscalculation, as no one on the rest of the planet bothered to pop so much as a single firework in celebration of the American superpower's birthday.

So it was down to merely taking over the United States, provided that at least the upper crust of the globe consisted of ananas comosus, which was appearing less and less likely as time went on.

Fortunately, I had a backup plan. All I would have to do was travel back in time and make the world from pineapple. I went to the grocery store and began putting as many of the out-of-season fruit in my basket as I possibly could, and proceeded to the checkout lane.

It was only a matter of time, I thought, before the world would be mine (not that I knew exactly what I would do with it, mind. Perhaps put it on the mantle as a conversation piece for extra-dimensional parties). It became clear even sooner that I would run out of cash long before I gathered enough pineapple mass to form a planet, much less create a temporal device strong enough to send both myself and several metric tons of Bromeliaceae back to the pre-Cambrian days. This was a definite problem, as with no time machine I was limited to only two days as the Fourth drew ever closer.

By the sheerest chance, I happened to learn of a few small out-of-the-way places that seemed to worship all things pineapple-y. The Pineapple Inn in Nantucket, Massachusetts. The tourist trap called the "Big Pineapple" just outside of Brisbane, Australia. A bed and breakfast named Pineapple Hill in New Hope, Pennsylvania. Thousands more speckled the globe like, erm, the whatsits you find on pineapples. It seemed that the lure of the tropics was almost universal; perhaps not the world, but people's MINDS were made of ananas comosus!

Too little, too late, I'm afraid. Though I was able to snag the few pineapple-based locations around the world, it was far short of my goal to dominate the known world. I owned and operated far more real estate, tourist traps, and historic bed & breakfast locals than any one man should, and had more idiotic half-witted lackeys to thwart any amount of super-genius would-be rulers. By the end of last week I had had enough, and on Friday I sold the whole kit and kaboodle to a passing vacuum salesman for a Hoover Windtunnel.

So now I'm back where I started: a solitary figure amongst a polygamist backdrop, scheming away towards eventual global domination.

Ah, well ... there's always NEXT year ...

--
pieceoftheuniverse - and how was -your- weekend?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm back (not that I was ever gone)
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 20:05:11 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> writes
> ...pineapple chunks...

Gee, Brain, whaddaya want to do tonight?

Never mind the P&TB parody - have some fingerfoods.

Oh wow, what a beautiful buffet! Such a pity I've already had a full meal.

Just have one or two of those cheese and pineapple chunks on a cocktail stick then.

Oh alright, you've tempted me. Hmm, interesting pineapple. Tastes likes... Uganda.

Mwha-ha-haa! My Fiendish Plan<tm> is running like clockwork.

And the cheese. It's like... like... OhmyGHOD! Ahbou'ed JIM!!!

And for future reference: it's not Poit, it's Potu. I know there isn't much in it, but do try and get it right.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*-Who always suspected The Man From Del--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*-Monte had master criminal connections--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm back (not that I was ever gone)
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 13:36:16 -0600

Al Sharka said this about my cold & calculated plan:
>At least you didn't defecate in anyone's cooler at a nude beach whilst sporting a ring through your willie. That trick never works... purportedly, that is.

IRTA "purposely," and I spent a full hour trying to figure out how to do that sort of thing accidentally.

"Hey! What are you doing?"
"Well, see, I tripped, and fell on this, um, cooler, and then, since I needed to go -anyway-..."

I couldn't come up with a decent plan that would allow me to take over the world without getting pummelled by several billion very angry cooler owners.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - I know coconuts are a natural laxative; what about pineapples?


Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams,alt.fan.afda,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm back (not that I was ever gone)
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 11:17:55 +0000

TimC schrieb:
>pieceoftheuniverse (aka Bruce) wrote:
><giant pineapple sized pnip>
>> By the sheerest chance, I happened to learn of a few small out-of-the-way places that seemed to worship all things pineapple-y. The Pineapple Inn in Nantucket, Massachusetts. The tourist trap called the "Big Pineapple" just outside of Brisbane, Australia. A bed and
>Errm, hate to spoil the story, but the big pineapple is rather boring and crap. The giant prawn however!

Not entirely. Near the Big Pineapple, just inside the carpark is a little concrete podium so positioned that the view of the whacking great tourist complex next door to the oversized fruit is minimised. The little podium bears the legend "Best Photo Spot". So we got the family to stand on the Best Photo Spot, took their photo and drove off.

Screwtape,
...no, I didn't get like this without the help of genetics..


Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams,alt.fan.afda,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm back (not that I was ever gone)
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 10 Jul 2001 22:41:01 GMT

Omnipitus <he.she.com> said:
> POTU:
>> pieceoftheuniverse - and how was -your- weekend?
>Excellent - slipped in 36 holes of golf in three days

Wearing cleats would give you a more secure footing.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ever been inside a thundercloud?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 23:19:35 -0400

comrade carla wrote:
> It's a little scary up here in my office on the 18th floor. The sky has become so dark I can scarcely see buildings 2 blocks away. The darkness is punctuated only by the occasional lightning flashes hitting said buildings (as well as, presumably, my own). It's early enough that it should still be bright daylight outside but it feels two hours later.

Cool! Did you see bolts or just flashes?

> I am trying very hard not to hide under my desk.

I used to hide under my desk every day, until they gave me a desk I can't fit under :(

The file cabinet has nice big drawers, though.

> On a possibly related note, about 30 minutes ago a swarm of rather more than 100 flies was crawling on the outside of my office window. I thought it might have been related to the sudden drop in air pressure attending this storm, although I couldn't explain it with more detail than that. On the phone, though, my anomaly[1] suggested that perhaps something had died on the ledge above my window, and the flies were having a picnic. In any event, they are all gone now. Any ideas?

When was the last time anybody saw the guy in the office right above yours?

> [1] It's now 10 months into our marriage, and 5.5 years into our relationship, or three years longer than any other relationship I've ever had. Do you think I should stop calling him an anomaly?

So now he's more like a deviation?

JIM, whose six-foot randy french-fry understands the inherent humour in the phrase "standard deviation"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ever been inside a thundercloud?
From: "Lord Insidious, World Dominator" <calieber.bigfoot.com>
Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 20:10:10 GMT

Jim Evans wrote
>The file cabinet has nice big drawers, though.

Pervert.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Generally speaking...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 17:53:09 -0600

Gordol wrote:
>What famous general are you?
>http://www.military.com/ResourceContent/?file=lpm_fd.htm
>I appear to be Robert E. Lee.

I, too, appear to be Mr. Lee.

What bothers me, though, is the selection that the cgi has to choose
from:

Teddy Roosevelt
John Paul Jones
Wesley Clark
William Tecumseh Sherman
Napoleon Bonaparte
"Stonewall" Jackson
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Douglas MacArthur
Omar Bradley
George S. Patton
Robert E. Lee
Ulysses S Grant
Duke of Wellington
Lord Nelson
George Washington
William Westmoreland

What, no Hitler? No Mussolini? Not even so much as Stalin? Or Churchill? What about the decisions that truly ring throughout history? Who cares how well you do on a single battlefield -- it's the war that matters, and how you fight it. Do you dare open fire on another front, or will you wipe out your enemies singly and systematically, all the time watching your allies for signs of defection? Do you kill everyone who doesn't match your worldview, or do you extradite them to other countries so they can fight against you? Decisions like that turn the tides of war, not mere skirmishes on obscure and randomized battlefields (though, admittedly, those, too, have their place).

--
pieceoftheuniverse - bah. Humbug.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Generally speaking...
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 09:23:26 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> writes
>What bothers me, though, is the selection that the cgi has to choose from:

<selective snippage>

> Napoleon Bonaparte
> Duke of Wellington
> Lord Nelson

Nice to see one or two non-Americans were good enough to make the grade.

>What, no Hitler? No Mussolini? Not even so much as Stalin? Or Churchill?

Not strictly speaking generals in the sense of field commanders (though I take your point and, anyway, Nelson was an admiral). Substitute Guderian, Zhukov, Montgomery and, er, help me out here, guys - an Italian general that wasn't crap? Oh yeah - Julius Caesar.

(That pretty well winds it up, don't it? All the rest were no-hopers: Ramses II, Cyrus II, Epaminondas, Alexander, Hannibal, Scipio Africanus, Aetius, Belisarius, Gengis Khan, Alfred, Canute, Charlemagne, Saladin, Frederick Barbarossa, Timur the Lame, Akbar, Minamoto Yoshitsune, Sundiata, the Duke of Alba, Cromwell, Cortes, the Duke of Marlborough, Gustavus Adolphus, Charles XII, Peter the Great, Blucher, Ranjit Singh, San Martin, Chaka Zulu, Sitting Bull, Togo, Yamamoto, Tim Henman...)

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*-Who, as a Windows user, is of course General Protection Fault--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: An unexplained URL
From: Ben Fisher <ben.fisher.spam.buster.intel.com>
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 14:00:44 -0700

"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.webone.com.au> said:
> ><applause>
> Hey look...Richard's got the clap.

What do you expect from someone posting from WeBone.com.au


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More absence
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Sun, 01 Jul 2001 08:34:41 -0700

A group of monkeys with TV's on their tummies claiming to be Kitsune Ninetail <kitsune9tl.hotmail.com> wrote:
>--
>+--------+---------+---------+---------+---------+---------+
>| ====== | Po indicates that in the state which it
>| == == | symbolises, it will not be advantageous to
>| == == | make a movement in any direction whatever.

Yeah, but he's always like that until Tinky Winky brings him his coffee.



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