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2001 06 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: So long...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 23:20:13 -0400

Comrade Sid wrote:
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> >Comrade Lemon Fresh Muffet wrote:
> >> "Amro Bank" <amro.tuig.nl> wrote:
> >> > And he is playing weird enchanting music on his..[/me wonders]..electronic fidlestickthingimagik. The Mule is coming !
> >> Louisa May Alcott
> >Ah yes, author of the little-known science fiction classic, "Little Foundations", the story of Hari Seldon's five daughters Meg, Jo, Ami and Beth and the hardships they face on Trantor when their father is banished to the edge of the Galactic Empire. They keep a brave face, and
> "the hardships they face on Trantor when their father is banished to the edge of the Galactic Empire"? The fifth daughter has a rather funny name.

She was adopted.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: So long...
From: Amro Bank <amro.tuig.nl>
Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2001 11:05:50 +0200

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote to alt.fan.douglas-adams:
<snip the fishie-bit>
>> Girls say dude?
>We don't?
>Viki, checking brazierres as we speak

of dudes ?


are you a dude:

[ ] Yes, mate. Are you bloody blind...huh (grunt)
[ ] No, do want me to be ?
[ ] Dude ?
[ ] So you're really _are_ not interested in a large discount ?

if so, are you wearing a bra:

[ ] Yes, can't you tell
[ ] This guy at the shop told me it was the most comfortable way to transport to grapefruits
[ ] Dude ?
[ ] No, why ? Do think I need one ?

And finish this sentence please, in no more then 25 words:

"I might not be a dude but I still wear bra's because ......"


Amro, whoo ! me first pole/questiainairthingy

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: So long...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 19:03:23 -0700

Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote:
> Vincent Armistead <vra100.student.cs.york.ac.uk> wrote:
>>> Didn't that make you feel good about goldfish?
>>> Chris W., who finds self-referential jingles that sound like Paul Simon songs strangely interesting
>>Umm... yes. But more to the point, did eating a goldfish make Viki feel good? I don't know any goldfish recipies, and I doubt eating one straight from a bowl would be too nice?
>That reminds me. Glasgow University Union has an annual "Ironman" contest which tests how much your stomach can take. Last year's winner (a freshman) went through a whole sequence of gooey stuff . He clinched the title by eating a live goldfish. The first runner-up tried as well but threw up when the tail started twitching in his mouth.
>Then there a big ruckus when someone told the spca and gave them some pictures as well.

Yeah, those things can get out of hand. At my old college, our Ironman was a bit different and was only held once. Unfortunately, we didn't even have a winner afterwards. Who knew folks would react so badly to smelting?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: So long...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 19:11:42 -0700

Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
>Lemon Fresh Muffet wrote:
>> "andrew ness" <andrewness.supanet.com> wrote...
>> > Lemon Fresh Muffet wrote...
>> > >really. I can't believe I'm the first to call out mr. NSY for his blatant attempt to apply logic to this sort of situation.
>> > I'm so sorry, force of habit.
>> > NSY
>> I didn't think nuns could force you to do anything...
>Obviously, *you* never went to Catholic school.
>(Granted, neither did I, but I've heard plenty of tales. Nuns aren't *nearly* as meek and mild as you'd think...)

Well, it's mostly due to the vigorous training they receive.

[cut to the opening credits, an areal shot of Philadelphia with the words "Enter the Sister" flashed over it. cut again to mid-film two nuns stand. One has a black rosary belt, the other has a brown rosary tied to her waists. Both are holding yardsticks. The voices are dubbed, poorly. Oddly they are dubbed by male Japanese actors.]

Nun 1: So, you believe yourself to be ready?

Nun 2: I have studied the ways of the yardstick and have grown strong in the ancient studies of Thwack-Yu that you have taught us here in the ancient and sacred Nun Dojo hidden here in the Temple of the suburbs of Philadelphia.

Nun 1: Then prepare yourself for the test! EEEeeeeYAAAAHHH-WAAAA! [CLACK]

Nun 2: Did you bring enough gum to share with everyone, Sister Beatrice? AAaaah-WooHAAA [Whup-Kak!]

Nun 1: Sister Mary Constantinople? Do you have something you wish to share with the class? oooWAAAAHHH-YAAAA! [Thhhhwww-kak!]

Nun 2: You are needed, but not necessary! HIII-YAh-WHAAA [p-KAK]

Nun 1: Do you enjoy making the Baby Jesus cry? Woo-haa-YA [Jump-Fwup-fwup-fwup-K'tack!]

Nun 2: When you die, Sister, be sure to have them dress you in shorts. I'm afraid you'll be more comfortable where you're going. WHAAA-YAAAA! [Klak-Wha-PaK-KaK]

Nun 1: Why couldn't you be as smart as your brother was? Wha-HAAA! [Swa-THAK]

[Nun 2 goes flying through the dojo wall from the blow]

Nun 1: You were a nobel adversary, Sister, but you'll never make it into college. wha-HAII! [Klak-crunch!]
[Having administered the killing blow, Nun 1 turns to the camera and laughs] Ha! Ha! Ha!

Next week on Catechism Theater: "Brothers with Arms"

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: So long...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 00:25:12 -0700

iain <afda.imb.clara.net> wrote:
>oh, sorry, was it worth saving. i skipping it once i noticed it was from rhod . . .

It's ok. I never read anything that's been crossposted either.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: So long...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 08:26:51 +0000

TechnoAtheist schrieb:
>[Nun 2 goes flying through the dojo wall from the blow]

Let me guess - they were fighting with nunchukas?

...think about it.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Rhodent-Spotter's Field Guide Pt 1
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2001 04:43:56 GMT

John D said:
; It's not the size that matters, but how it scales the coordinates.

With a full pack and a troop of Sherpa guides.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just in case it didn't work...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001 23:00:10 -0400

Comrade Sid wrote:
> Jim Menard wrote:
> >Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.home.com> writes:
> >> Why? Can you think of something else *worse* than leprosy?
> >Leprosy and allergies.
> Leprosy and having to listen to Macy Gray all day.

Actually that's better than just listening to Macy Gray all day, because eventually your ears *will* fall off, rather than just feeling like they will.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Some movies... [was Re: Belated Happy B-day.]
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 21:37:32 -0700

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>Comrade Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>> Gordol wrote ...
>> > Richard Fitzpatrick said:
>> >; Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti is waiting patiently for _The_Mote_In_God's_Eye_.
>> >Ooohhh... I'd love to see a decent screen adaptation of that.
>> Wouldn't it be *grand*?
>> And the terrifying thing is that it wouldn't be that hard. Well, making the Moties not look like one or more of the perambulatory Muppets would be...
>I always thought an alien race that looked exactly like generic Muppets would be neat. About three feet tall, spongy-flesh that can be any bright colour, eyes that look like two halves of a ping-pong ball, rubbery arms... And of course a penchant of pyrotechnics.

Hi-yo, Kermit the Invader here...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: another URL
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001 22:55:20 -0400

Comrade GW De Lacey wrote:
> GW De Lacey
> Whose liver and white English springer spaniel believes she's much prettier than Daisy

Well, yeah. Daisy's a *goat* for 'eaven's sakes.

[ominous hummmmmmmmmmmmmm]

Uh oh...




Okay, okay, I'm sorry! You're a very pretty goat.

Maah! Maaah!

JEEZ! Ow ow ow... okay, okay, you're the prettiest pet/avatar in rhod, goat or not!


*whew* That was close... uhh... I don't like the look on the six-foot french fry's face...

JIM, now where'd I put that chastity belt...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I can see it now: "Dear Orrie..."
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001 09:49:02 +0000

Jim Evans schrieb:
>Comrade Screwtape wrote:
>> Ben Fisher schrieb:
>> > http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=65473
>> I've just corrupted my little sister. I hope you're satisfied.

Wouldn't help you - she's filled to brimming with bad sectors and even her CRC is way out of whack. There's no hope left, I'm afraid.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Out of my mind, back in a while
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 13:27:43 +0000

Jason schrieb:
>Gordol wrote:
>> Richard Fitzpatrick said:
>> ; Saw Swordfish today - great fun, if gruesome.
>> I didn't like the forced parallel of the first hacker's name and nationality.
>> The "world's most dangerous hacker" is a guy named "Torvolds" from Finland. Subtlety? What's that?
>Actually, I thought that was pretty neat. Hollywood doesn't stroke just *anybody's* ego.

Director: What the hell is this you've written? OK, it's a throwaway line but is anyone going to believe one o' these computer baddie people could come from *Finland*?

Scriptwriter: Well... it's a kind of a joke, you see..

Director: I ain't laughin'. Besides, my son Biff was tellin' me the other day they all got names like dAb0sS and l33T-d00d and stuff. Why can't you use a name like that? Give it some verriss- verry- varra... like, reality?

Scriptwriter: Well, how about Knuth?

Director: <blank stare>

Scriptwriter: Gosper? Pike? Stallman?

Director: <flatly> Tell me yer kiddin'.

Scriptwriter: Kernighan? Ritchie? Babbage?

Director: Errr.. let's just stick with what you got there, if we thinks of a better name we can change it, 'kay?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's time for
From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.msn.com>
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 16:55:17 -0700

GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com> wrote:
> 'Lemon Fresh Muffet' wrote:
>>A game of Brockian Ultra Cricket!
>>*whacks GW and runs away*
>Er... wha... who...!?
>Painting ceilings off-white and watching shiny things, when suddenly out of the blue, this appears...
>Furrfu, no one's safe anywhere anymore.
>BTW, have you been barbecued yet?

Ah. The Quest For The Holy Grill.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Good News for a change
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2001 11:47:33 +0000

Viki schrieb:
>I've been spreading good news today...
>Guess who's the newest Public Defender in these here parts?

Congratulations. Out of curiosity, what are you defending the public from?

...and does it require you to wield a broadsword and oaken shield, and wear stout metal armour?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Good News for a change
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 23:38:47 -0400

Comrade Viki wrote:
> I've been spreading good news today...
> Guess who's the newest Public Defender in these here parts? Now, don't none of y'all get arrested in Allegheny County, I might actually have to meet one of the rhodents in person and that might be ... well ... hard to explain. :)
> Much rum all around due to the celebration! Viki got a job! Woo HOOOOOOO!

Yay Viki! Don't worry, I doubt any rhodents will get arrested in Allegheny, unless they have strict bestiality laws.

Was that out loud? Bugger.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I've been pondering...
From: Aquarion <httpdottelnet.www.com>
Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2001 17:14:54 +0100

Bruce Lane wrote:
>This has likely been asked of the Oracle before, but I've not taken the time to dig through the Oracularity archives.
>If Nature abhors a vacuum, how the blazes does she keep her house clean?

It was a complicated operation, filled with terror, danger, and excitement beyond belief.
With Joe and Ted out for the day, Mother Nature had the house to herself for the annual big Spring Clean. She started with a nice Gin & Tonic, and then went to the legendary Cupboard Of Sacred Cleaning Equipment, and withdrew the Holy Roll of Duct Tape[1], and set to work...

With the Holy Pair of Kitchen Scissors (Recovered from behind the Bowling Trophy Cabinet of Truth) Nature cut off a single length of the magical sticky back plastic, and applied it unto the carpet in the front room. With a cry of "Begone! foul dust!" she ripped the tape from the covering, and was pleased to discover a film of dust over the once prestineness of the Tape of Doom[1]. Discarding said tape, she cut a further length from the Infinite Supply of the Tape of Ducts and reapplied it to a new section of the flooring.

Several hours later, and with a pile of spent tape that did verily block out the light of heaven itself, Nature applied the final strip of tape unto the carpet. With a final cry of "Duct-off" Mother Nature ripped off the tape, surveyed the desolation before her, muttered something about "Duck this for a game of tactical warfare" and summoned the Holy Dyson Salesman.

Yours in total sincerity,


[1[ Beware the power of the duct-tape, for it has a light side and a dark side, and it doth bind the universe together

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A more-or-less on-topic sort of thingy
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 09:04:23 -0600

TechnoAtheist contacted the alien invaders and sent this as a secret message:
>Oh, by the way, I flew over Salt Lake today on my way back from Chicago.
>Thanks for waving back.

I wasn't waving at -you-; I was waving at the gorgeous blonde next to you!

Did she see me?

pieceoftheuniverse - what do you mean that was a man? How am I supposed to be able to tell from thirty thousand feet away?

From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Ah yes, the stunning blonde sitting on the aisle with the long flowing hair, perfect lips and huge... tracts of land. The one wondering why the airlines give out bags of air sickness and why they're open?

Yes she saw you.

She even waved back.

I don't think she used all of her fingers though...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A more-or-less on-topic sort of thingy
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 16:52:58 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> writes
>TechnoAtheist wrote:
>>>It would certainly hold true if everyone were as brilliant as, say, Molerat ($DEITY bless his soul, wherever he's gotten to). A large collection of twisted geniuses like TechnoAthiest might even raise the overall quality of the dreck in the priestly in-boxes a bit.
>>Ye-Gods! Don't mention me and Molerat in the same paragraph!
>Is that anything like "don't cross the streams"?
>No. Wait. I don't want to know the answer to that one.
>>I am not worthy to lick clean his typewriter ribbons (not that I haven't tried, mind you, but he uses those new fangled mylar ribbons and those puppies cut!)
>Molrat uses a typewriter?

Tcha! I merely happen to mention in passing in eeevil parts that I occasionally googlegrope on "molerat", and the youngsters start baiting me. You could at least get the speeling right, Ptou.

Of *course* I don't post to Usenet with a typewriter, sillies. Those of us well past our 4th decade (don't worry about the big four-oh, Pout - I hear that testosterone replacement therapy can work wonders) don't hold with such cutting edge whizzo-type notions. Personally I favour pressing cuneiform symbols into dollops of wet clay using a sharp stick. A scanner and the OmniPage Sumerian extension pack do the rest.

(Bloody good buy, that Sumerian extension pack, BTW. It even gets all the mushroom/penis puns. (What do you mean, you haven't been reading BoRHOD: The Early Years? Shame on you!) I believe DMP used to use something similar. Only not a sharp stick, obviously. Ah, just think what creative fun old Dumpy could have had with the expressions "testosterone replacement" and "extension pack" appearing in the same paragraph!)

What? Hibernation time - *again*? Ohhh, all right, mutter mutter razzen frazzen...

Richard Wilson

I wouldn't mind, but the nurses here keep stealing my pyjamas

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Submitted for opinions
From: Bruce Lane <spammers.buzz.off>
Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001 22:35:48 -0700

Fellow RHODents,

The Management of MerryHam and WebSpinners has presented me with an odd sort of word. I hereby offer it to the group for dissection.

The word is 'Spungnacious.'

It was, I'm told, discovered in a hidden compartment in the lower left quadrant of the Sphinx of Giza's posterior, along with a packet of seeds for a rubber plant. It was fortunate that the MH-and-WS field agents were able to retrieve it before Delphic Research got there.

So, what am I bid for this fine specimen of synthetic silliness?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Submitted for opinions
From: HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man)
Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 05:42:13 -0000

Jim Evans:
>Comrade Bruce Lane wrote:
>> The word is 'Spungnacious.'
>> So, what am I bid for this fine specimen of synthetic silliness?
>I'll give you two tickets to the Weevil's Summer-time Ball, a piece of damp sponge, and an apoplexy.

I've got a few copies of the word "jangly" that I've stolen from JIM's site.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: U-turn [was Re: Some movies... [was Re: Belated Happy B-day.]]
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 04:43:27 GMT

Jason said:
; Today, it is my birthday.

Don't forget to put on your birthday suit.

From: kinzler.cs.indiana.edu (Steve Kinzler)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Priesthood secrets?
Date: 18 Jun 2001 18:50:43 GMT

Sent 8Jun01 from Henriette to rec.humor.oracle.d
+---------- Priesthood secrets? ----------
| I noticed that Sid Dabster is an active priest:
| http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/sid/
| -- at least according to his geek code block, as decoded with
| http://www.ebb.org/cgi-bin/ungeek.cgi

Sure, Sid's been with us since the beginning of the priesthood. Pitr's been a priest, too, but he's been retired for some years now.

| I haven't noted his address in any selected oracularities.

Well, note closer.

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