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2001 06 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Life Sucks (Warning! Rant!)
From: johnyaya.don'tspamonme.usa.net (John D)
Date: Fri, 01 Jun 2001 00:17:16 GMT

Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote
>Dave Hemming <surfbaud.allyourclothes.waverider.co.uk> wrote:
>>>Sid wrote:
>>>> Why is it, that I meet the perfect girl, who likes me, who i like, who thinks like me and understands what I am saying and is absolutely adorable and I get to know her for just two weeks and she has to leave tomorrow back to wherever half-way across the globe?
>>Try starting with her being half-way across the globe. Nyah. If she's that good, it's well worth the effort.
>Sure, this december. What is the distance across America? (from north to south, I mean)

On the only North American map I could find around the house, it was about 3 inches. I've seen maps where it was a foot or two or even several. You can probably find it smaller, if you like.

John -- whose brightly colored kribensis cichlids look curiously disturbed by this


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Life Sucks (Warning! Rant!)
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 01 Jun 2001 02:43:15 -0400

Comrade Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> Ah. History never really repeats, after all.

It just keeps happening over and over again.

JIM, except when it finds new ways to torment you...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Life Sucks (Warning! Rant!)
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 1 Jun 2001 23:55:21 +0000

Ben Fisher schrieb:
>GW De Lacey wrote:
>> Well, it's good to see your goatee has a vestige of taste
>Is that your opinion, or the goat's?
>ST, what does Daisy think?

That's a good question - glad you asked. Let's see what we can find out. I've prepared a Summoning scene here, as you'll see - septagram made of hay, burning candles filled with incense of summer meadows, sheepskin carpeting and the like. Now, everyone dress in the sheepskin here and sit in a circle inside the septagram. Yes, you too. Seated? Good.

Concentrate on the name of the one we wish to see. Daisy. Daaaaaaaasie. Daaaaaaaaaaaay-zeeeeeeeeeeee.

<The lights flicker and dim. A foul black smoke begins to form in the centre of the circle. It swirls and spreads, then suddenly coalesces. It is a huge black goat, with flaming red eyes and an angry visage. Several of those closer to the hind-end shuffle away.>

FOR WHOM DOST THOU DISTURB MY SLUMBER?

Err, we were looking for Daisy.. you know - Daisy the Goat?

THERE'S FIFTY THOUSAND OF 'EM. COULD YOU BE A BIT MORE SPECIFIC?

You know, *Daisy*! About fifty centimetres high, head-mounted megawatt laser...?

OH, YOU MEAN DAISY THE DESTROYER, GOAT OF DOOM. SHE'S NOT HERE. YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT 'TILL SHE'S DEAD.

I don't suppose you could put us through- oh.

<The huge black goat has shimmered out of existence once more... no, not quite - where the black goat once stood is now an ordinary-sized black rotary phone. It rings>

Hello? Hello? Who's call-

Daisy: "Maaaaa!"

Daisy - we've got to ask you a question!

Daisy: "Maaaa?"

Do you think Richard Fitzpatrick's goatee has a vestige of taste?

Daisy: "Maah."

<Daisy hangs up>

Well, there you have it. All you ever needed to know about goat aesthetics, in one sharpish monosyllable.

Screwtape,
...who can't speak Goat.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Life Sucks (Warning! Rant!)
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Sun, 3 Jun 2001 04:30:58 GMT

Jason said:
; > despite Saturn's larger rings, Jupiter is more photogenic.
; Yes, I've often noticed that, unless you're above (for both positive and negative z-axis values of above) the plane of the elliptic, Jupiter is much nicer to watch than Saturn. But if you can travel a couple of microparsecs offset, a warm girl and a cold drink while watching the flight of Saturn through the void just can't be beat.

Oh, so +thats+ what I was doing wrong. The +drink+ was supposed to be cold.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just in case it didn't work...
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Date: Fri, 01 Jun 2001 21:57:20 +1000

'Gold Inlaid Muffet' wrote:
>"Khat Khan Dhu" <Khat_9.mailandnews.com> wrote:
>> Gold Inlaid Muffet wrote:
>> > "Kevin Vanderhoef" <Khat_9.hotmail.com> wrote:
>> > > Jason Willoughby at jwilloug.gate.net wrote:
>> > > > Daniel E. wrote:
>> > > >> Khat <khat_9.mailandnews.com> said:
>> > > >> [tidied]
>> > > >> } I'll see your space-filler and raise you enough styrofoam peanuts to fill the Grand Canyon.
>> > > >> } I see your plystyrene landfill and raise you enough bubble-wrap to lift EGK into orbit. *POP!*
>> > > >> } I'll see your hours of entertainment and raise you a _Star_Wars_ marathon.
>> > > > ...etc...
>> > > > Does anyone else think this "tidying" is just plain wrong? You've removed the cascade!
>> > > I'll see your missing mountain range, and raise you a Wandering Jew.
>> > I'll see your Moses and raise you a flock of loyal followers
>> I'll see your sheepish expression and raise you a wolf whistle.
>I'll see your enchanted canine and raise you the 3 heads of Cerebrus on a plate with attractive decorative art around the edges and a beautiful scene of a mountain stream in the center which, if you hold it just right, seems to catch the light and makes the stream seem real--a true master piece.

[Stands, tips table over]
[draws revolver, stares at players with steely glint]

OK, which one of you is the cheat!


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
>OK, which one of you is the cheat!

/me watches half a dozen aces trickle from GW's sleeve, but says nothing.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just in case it didn't work...
From: Jim Menard <jimm.eris.io.com>
Date: 15 Jun 2001 08:46:59 -0500

Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.home.com> writes:
> Lemon Fresh Muffet wrote:
> > I hope we're talking about leprosy and not something else.
> Why? Can you think of something else *worse* than leprosy?

Leprosy and allergies.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: So long...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 04 Jun 2001 16:54:40 -0600

Bengt Ole Ekrem wrote:
>> I think Hetta was reffering to his/hers/its sexlife.
>Sexlife? Don't talk to me about sexlife.

This could be really interesting if applied to the rest of Marvin's lines.

-----
"... and then of course I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my libido..."

"No?" said Arthur as he walked along beside him, a bit taken aback. "Really?"

"Oh yes," said Marvin, "I mean I've asked for it to be replaced but no one ever listens."

"I can imagine."
-----

Just a thought.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who can't think of any good examples at present, but it would probably end up changing the whole theme of the series.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: So long...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Wed, 06 Jun 2001 20:23:49 -0700

Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote:
>Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>>Ah, but Deists are not Theists. Theists believe in God, and a specific religion. Deists usually just believe in God, without bothering with all the nitpicky details like who's going to hell and who you shouldn't sleep with and whether the goat gets sacrificed on Thursday or Sunday, and so on. Hence they generally don't preach.
>>They do, however, elucidate when asked.
>> JIM, j00 r 31uc1d473d!!!
>I guess I'll be a Deist then!
>Sid, who believes that he is God

Out of curiousity, is God an atheist or does He believe in a higher power?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: So long...
From: Paul Andinach <pandinac.ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 08:35:05 +0800

Ben Fisher wrote:
> Paul Andinach wrote:
> > It's times like this, when I've accidentally stumbled on a piece of information the like of which (it turns out) Man Was Never Meant To Know, that I wish I'd listened to what Howard Lovecraft told me when I was younger...
> So Paul, what did Howard Lovecraft tell you?

"Stay away from Knowledge The Like Of Which Man Was Never Meant To Know, it's bad for your health."


(Okay, so I wasn't listening. But he would keep going on and on about it...)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Rhodent-Spotter's Field Guide Pt 1
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 02 Jun 2001 23:26:35 -0400

Comrade Sid wrote:
> Chris Wesling wrote:
> >It's positively heartwarming to know that even kids as young as Sid are still watching classic musicals. Gives me a warm glow.
> Parental pressure, wrong video pool and Movie modules can do that.

Maybe this explains poor Sid's romantic troubles. I was raised on musicals by my parents, and look at what happened to me. I don't think I'll ever get over the embarrassment of breaking into song on my first date...

JIM, how was I to know there wasn't an orchestra lurking in the bushes?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Rhodent-Spotter's Field Guide Pt 1
From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.msn.com>
Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 23:29:11 -0700

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>What, you don't believe in evolution? Quick! We must kill it before it develops language skills!

Wait, wait... don't tell me... - the mantra you use when cleaning the vegetable bin of your refrigerator?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Now that we've found love what are we going to do with it... was Re: what do we have to do (was Re: I was idly wondering if the Pakmara could really do that)
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com>
Date: Sun, 03 Jun 2001 09:55:03 GMT

Lemon Fresh Muffet said:
> I'm sorry. The acronyms in this place are completely beyond me. In fact, I don't speak English at all. My native language involves batting at the air with my forelegs, shaking my abdomen really quickly, walking around in circles, and hanging on the hindquarters of those nearby.

Oh, so you're a lawyer?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Finally
From: "Teh (tî'pô)" <teh.apexmail.com>
Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 10:00:28 +0200

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>pieceoftheuniverse - who was taught how to drive on a stick but hasn't touched one since.

Sure you haven't...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Finally
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Fri, 08 Jun 2001 15:36:58 -0400

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com> wrote:
>Gordol said:
>> Ben Fisher said:
>> ; > We call that "driving". BTW, personally, I've never seen any car that can drive at its idle speed - that engine speed never generates enough power to move the car.
>> ; That's cause you drive wimpy cars.
>> Not just mine, but also those I drove while being a valet at a parking lot, and I got to drive just about everything, from econoboxen Hyundais to BMWs, Mercedeses and Jaguars and everything in between. The only thing I've ever driven where I was able to do that was my bike, an '81 Honda CB750F. Maybe it's the terrain. There are actually very few flat and level places where you +can+ safely try that around here.
>I suspect you just haven't much patience with the clutch, and it stalls. Unless the vehicle in question has a *real* engine problem, nearly everything should be able to do it on at least an 8% grade in first from a dead stop.

Announcer: Good Evening, and welcome to Clutch Talk, the TV talk show devoted exclusively to discussion of the issues and turmoil surrounding today's automotive transmissions. And here's your host, Gerry Grinder.

<Applause>

Gerry: Thank you. Thank you. No, please, thank you. Our first guest today is Frederick Downshiftingbottomsford-Smythe, last year's winner of the coveted Flywheel award for excellence in automotive maintenance discussion. Welcome to the show, Fred.

Fred: Glad to be here Gerry. Always happy to discuss automotive maintenance.

<laughter>

Gerry: Well, actually, we only discuss transmissions on the show, and not much maintenance of them, as such.

Fred: Oh. Well, I do know a thing or two about transmissions, as it turns out.

Gerry: Fascinating! So how do you stand on the whole "stick versus automatic" question, if I may be so bold?

Fred: Well, it depends, of course, upon what sort of driver you are talking abou...

<Gasps and mutters in the audience>

Fred: ab..about. You see, I think very highly of the stick-shift transmission.

<scattered applause>

Fred: But for some people, the stick can be, shall we say, rather confusing.

<More muttering>

Gerry: So, you mean to say, that there is a place in the world, albeit limited, for the <pause> automatic transmission? Hmmm?

<Gasps. One woman faints>

Fred: Well, certainly. Notwithstanding the, um, obvious merits and superiority of the stick, it does involve the use of that third footpad, which many people mistakenly call the clutch, but which is indeed correctly referred to as the clutch PEDAL, inasmuch as it is simply a pedal one depresses in order to disengage the clutch mechanism.

<Silence in the audience>

Gerry: Surely you mean "engage" rather than disengage, Mr. Downshiftingbottomsford-Smythe.

Fred: I don't take your meaning.

<Laughter>

Gerry: One depresses the clutch pedal in order to ENGAGE the clutch mechanism, not to DISengage it.

Fred: No no no, not at all. When one depresses the clutch pedal with one's foot, that action operates a linkage, which thereby...

<Louder Laughter>

Fred: wh...whi...which thereby...Alright then, suppose you describe the functionality of the clutch mechanism. I suppose you're an expert, Gerry, this being "Clutch Talk" and all that?

Gerry: No no, that's quite alright (rolls eyes). Please, do go on with your discourse.

<Laughter>

Fred: Right. So the clutch pedal operates a linkage which engages a mechanism...

Gerry: But you said before that it DISengages the mechanism.

Fred: Well perhaps you misheard me. It surely engages a mechanism.

Gerry: And?

Fred: And that mechanism operates the clutch.

Gerry: Well said!

<Applause>

Fred: Thank you. Now as it turns out, the clutch then provides the...

Gerry (interupting): Fred, you were saying earlier that you like the automatic. Could you elucidate upon that point?

Fred: Well I didn't actually say I LIKED it, just that it has its place in the scheme of things, due to the potential confusing nature of the stick, which I daresay we have discovered today in our discussion of the clutch pedal.

Gerry: I don't think it's confusing a damn bit, if I dare say so.

<Cheers from the audience>

Fred: Well certainly the necessity of simultaneously depressing the clutch pedal whilst selecting a gear can be confusing to some people, else why would the automatic transmission ever have become invented?

<BOOOOOOO>

Gerry: Indeed. Why, why indeed. Well I'll tell you. It is a conspiracy between the automobile mechanics and the politicians and the oil companies to make us use less efficient technology that breaks more often, uses more gasoline, and costs more, thereby resulting in more taxes. All this rubbish about the stick being confusing is just so much rubbish.

<Uproarious cheers>

Fred: Well what of people who are unable to walk and chew gum at the same time?

<Scattered laughter>

Gerry: Oh for heaven's sake! As if such people should be allowed to drive in the first place.

<Standing ovation>

Fred: Goodness! Well, I suppose you have a point there. Perhaps I...

Gerry: Well that's all the time we have today. Tune in next week when my guest will be Miss Monica Lewinsky, who claims to have some knowledge of the clutch, and the stick. We shall see.

<Applause. Closing credits.>


From: Jim Evans (jevans.physics.uottawa.ca)
Subject: Re: Pointing device
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2001-06-05 18:40:01 PST

Comrade pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> Jason leaves us with this final thought:
> >"Lord Insidious, World Dominator" wrote:
> >> My trackball is no longer reliably moving the cursor. Should I replace it with a new one? An optical mouse? Are there optical mouses not made by Mcro$oft?
> >You probably have, but did you clean off the rollers? I've got a 3-4 year old Logitech Marbleman, and it still works just fine. Just have to take a little scotch tape to the rollers and sensor every once in a while.
> They have a Special Cleaning Device you can purchase, too, in case if you fear the scotch tape. I only found this out while investigating irrational fears, though.
> No, I don't remember why I was investigating such things. One of those days, I suppose.

And here we find POTU's Irrational Fear of Scotch Tape.

Never use Scotch Tape! Your soul will stick to it and get pulled off!

Thank you, that'll do.

[snip]
> Or you could join the twenty-second century and adapt a Nintendo Glove to work with your mouse port. There's nothing quite like the sensation of pawing through a virtual document. Not that I'd know first-hand, of course.

Wow, I never realised the capital O's in Times New Roman were so... firm...

> --
> pieceoftheuniverse - the three last paragraphs are untrue ramblings. Please ignore them.

Done, and done!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Pointing device
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2001 12:55:49 +0000

pieceoftheuniverse schrieb:
>If you have an irrational fear of all things Logitech, you might take a look at some of the optical easels out there. Best for artists making the transfer to the digital realm, of course, but can double as a mouse if pressured enough.

Don't by the "pressure sensitive" ones, though, if you work in a high-stress environment. They wind up sulking in a corner and refuse to function until sent on a company-funded all-expenses-paid trip to the Bahamas.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Pointing device
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 06 Jun 2001 17:40:01 -0600

Lord Insidious, World Dominator leaves us with this final thought:
>And I can't upgrade because I have little enough room on my hard drive as it is.

To upgrade a computer (in four simple steps):

Take battle-axe in hand.
Swipe viciously at hard drive.
Remove all loose material.
Replace what was broken.

Warning: some minor data loss may result.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - next week: how to incarnate the Oracle (in five simple steps)!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Pointing device
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Fri, 8 Jun 2001 21:56:10 +1000

TimC wrote ...
>Screwtape (aka Bruce) wrote:
>> Lord Insidious, World Dominator schrieb:
>>>My trackball is no longer reliably moving the cursor. Should I replace it with a new one?
>> For a few hundred dollars, IBM will sell you a very cool TrackPoint II keyboard, with that original IBM clicky keyboard feel, made from black plastic, and with one of those laptop eraser-head things to use as a pointing device between the G and H keys.
>Those eraser thingies are evil.

Was it here or somewhere else I read the hilarious story about one of those being demonstrated - and one of the spectators exclaimed "Ooh, look! It's got a clitoris!"

After that, half the management team wouldn't go near it, and half couldn't stay away from it.

And the halves weren't gender-based, either.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti wants a laptop with a G-spot.

From: Gordol (postmaster.gordol.org)
All laptops have them. Right between the F-spot and H-spot.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Pointing device
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 13 Jun 2001 00:42:25 GMT

TimC <tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au> said:
>Daniel E. Macks (aka Bruce) wrote:
>> Was it here we discussed putting a heavy flywheel in a suitcase spinning on a horizontal axis and then having a skycap follow you on a zigzag course?
>I do seem to recall that - so it must have been here.....
><geekmode=on>Incidentally, my hard drive spins faster than the gyroscopes going in space soon to test general relativity. They're going to keep spinning for several *years*</geekmode>

So you're saying that the motor on your HD could've died last month and you wouldn't know it until 2006? Cool.

>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have a spinning chair
>Now if you connect the chair to a hardrive, I wonder whether you would get dizzy?

That's ridiculous! If my head were spinning at relativistic speeds, it would appear to everyone else that my brane had slowed down.

Oh.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think 1 rpm would do it


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The only thing offensive is the stupidity
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2001 08:25:06 -0700

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com> wrote:
>This URL came across a listserv I am on. some folks are just too weird for wurdz.
>http://www.banbreastfeeding.com

Well, I don't care if Billy is only two weeks old! That's a perfectly good steak and he can just go hungry if he won't eat it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A URL, No Full-Frontal Nudity or Flayed Body Parts
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com>
Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 04:56:16 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick said:
> [1] Which is doubly sad when one considers that I work for an agency abbreviated as ACCC[2]. I often lose either count or a vocal cord at about the second "-Kh-" sound.
> [2] <www.accc.gov.au> for anyone who cares.

Ever notice how there is only one anti-trust commission?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1221
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 15:15:22 -0600

Henriette Kress leaves us with this final thought:
> 1221
> 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

...and here, class, we have a classic example of the Mistaken Post, also known as the Whoopsi Rhodentia. Observe the way it holds its pose over the send key, making sure that it is doing everything correctly, before the subconscious fires and makes the message land in rec.humor.oracle.d. This kind of behaviour is especially noted by the complete lack of additional spaces towards the bottom of the post, just as you don't see here.


Hey. Wait a minute...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Hah. Fooled you, didn't I?

Move along, class. Nothing to see here; move along.



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