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2001 05 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I was idly wondering if the Pakmara could really do that
From: twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew)
Date: Tue, 15 May 2001 22:12:50 -0400

Jason Willoughby wrote:
>Jason wrote:
>> Julianna Avedon wrote:
>>> a) I've been a member of the priesthood longer than Paul. It seems to me that should earn some higher level of recompense.
>> Yes, but you didn't contend his claim to it when he first took it. Therefore, we can only consider you a squatter.
>I find it extremely suspicious that the Priesthood are recycling Paul's in-jokes. Are they trying to cover something up?

Uh-oh. At this rate, they'll be playing the digests backwards, then they'll know the truth.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I was idly wondering if the Pakmara could really do that
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Wed, 16 May 2001 21:37:16 -0700

A group of monkeys in serious sugar shock claiming to be Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>Comrade TechnoAtheist wrote:
>> A group of monkeys who go for the pricier items in the vending machine claiming to be twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
>> >You are wrong, sir, wrong. Nutra-Grain bars are infinitely better, because they come in their own wrapper, there by keeping crumbs to a minimum.
>> Nutra-Grain Bars? Are you mad? Why, there's barely any cheese in them at all! They have far more natural content than the wrapper they came in and what's more they are even a proper serving from both the fruit and grains groups.
>> They hardly qualify as a snack food?
>> I say, where is the elevated sodium content? Where is the Food Coloring #3 Yellow? Where, sir, is the overwhelming feeling that you should have gotten the pretzels if you were going to eat that with coffee?
>COFFEE?
>Gadzooks, TA. You know I respect your opinion and all, but coffee and pretzels? Coffee is bitter and pretzels salty; it's a fundamental fact that salty foods must be accompanied by a sweet beverage in order to get the maximum culinary enjoyment. Experience has demonstrated that lemon-lime Kool-Aid ("green" to connoisseurs) with exactly 3/4 c of sugar per 2 quarts of liquid is the ideal drink in this case.

Dear JIM, remember that I consider coffee precious little more that roasted bean soup and tend to flavor it accordingly. (Granted, this does tend to cause the brain of the java pimp at the local Starbucks to seize uncontrollably whenever I ask for basil and a dash of extra chicken broth, but trust me it's worth it). Considering that for the price I could get a bowl of roasted bean soup, it definitely is not that much of a leap.

Still nothing quite satisfies than sitting down at a table at the local columbian drug outlet, pulling out the spoon, adding the crushed pretzels and tucking in to a refreshingly satisfying lunch.

Still, I see your point. Albeit, I prefer to invert the recipe you provide. Sure, it makes the Kool-Aid just a hair syrupy, but the kids just love it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I was idly wondering if the Pakmara could really do that
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 17 May 2001 21:33:49 GMT

Buggrit <Igor.stenchorama.cm> said:
>Erik Mooney scribbled:
>> Jim Evans wrote:
>> >Who ARE you people and what are you doing in my bathroom?
>> Is it then true that I'm not the only rhodite who reads the froup while in the bathroom? (Ah, the joys of wireless networking...)
>Yeah, yeah yeah. Just rub it really in to us cable/modem grubs. Here, use this new hanky made out of squid.

Better check it for cold sores first.

>However, I do not want to know what you mean by a paperless office. Seems a bit adventurous on the loo. Ackk <horrible image flashes before my eyes>

Wiping yourself with your Palm?

>Yes, I'm a sore loser but I'm just wiping it...

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies just took a tcpdump


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I was idly wondering if the Pakmara could really do that
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 18 May 2001 17:01:19 -0000

Jason Willoughby (jwilloug.gate.net) wrote:
> Viki wrote:
>> Sid wrote:
>>> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote
>>> >Comrade Screwtape wrote:
>>> >> would be number two. There's probably also mentions of causing several RHOD-regulars to leave the froup in disgust, permanently, and a nasty footnote implicating me in DRINK! cascades, too.
>>> >A study of GoojaVu will reveal that <deep breath> I was a primary instigator of the DRINK cascades. And then there was the squid-herpes thing.
>>> I take my share of the blame for the DRINK thing.
>> Come now, come now. I STARTED it and I'm DAMN PROUD OF IT.
> You want to know who really started it? The one who turned a simple drinking game into a mind-numbing terror? The one who will burn forever in Usenet hell?

Ooh! It's a bizarre twist of fate that on the very day I drop into RHOD for my first lurk in MONTHS, someone quotes me here, resurrecting a post from days of yore, or days of mye, or something like that.

I have NOT been in Usenet hell, I've just been busy with my work as a supermodel and my correspondence course where I'm learning to be a mad scientist.

Uhh.. that, and, the road back to RHOD went over a bridge that appeared to have been badly burned.

> ==============
> From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net)
> Subject: Re: Guess who is back?
> Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
> Date: 2000/04/18
> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>> Sid wrote:
>> ; Does anyone remember me?
>> No,I'msorry,thereisn'ttime.
> Drink!
> Time to add a new rule: Any time someone says "Drink!", you take one drink. It's not only a drinking game, it's a self-perpetuating drinking game.

I'd just like to point out that this was a failed experiement in Usenet epistomology. I came not to praise "Drink!" but to bury it. At the time I wrote this, "Drink!" was already a TOIJ. My hope here was that making it a self-referential TOIJ would speed its demise, leading it to eat its tail until it devoured itself. Unfortunately, these weren't the droids I was looking for, and it became more powerful than I could ever imagine. Or something. In any case the resulting explosion cost me my eyebrows and all of my nasal hair, and the plugs are getting itchy.

Anyway, I'm off again, Usenet Satan's got a photo shoot lined up for me this afternoon, and I still have to wax my legs.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I was idly wondering if the Pakmara could really do that
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 21 May 2001 20:12:36 GMT

Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.msn.com> said:
>"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com> wrote:
>>Julsy wrote:
>>> I know. I'm fierce, am I not?
>>Fierce as a Cookie.
>...but so much better looking in a dress.

Given you and FC and a single dress, I'd rather he be wearing it.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if there's such thing as Scotchtoberfest


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I was idly wondering if the Pakmara could really do that
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com>
Date: Tue, 22 May 2001 18:11:58 GMT

Gordol wrote:
> So, then the urban legend about being able to set a McYuck's shake on fire is just a legend? Damn...

I would imagine it always was. Even Ben and Jerry's is only about 14% milkfat, the remainder being mostly water. OTOH, have you ever tried to light powdered creamer? It is almost pure fat, and lights rather nicely. It also doesn't actually dissolve in coffee, it melts.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I was idly wondering if the Pakmara could really do that
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 23 May 2001 17:21:40 GMT

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> said:
>powdered creamers should only be used with instant (powdered) coffees.

Sounds great! Then I have 10-20 cup-worths and not have to keep running off to the bathroom every 5 minutes.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like being able to pee wherever they are at the time


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So long...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Wed, 16 May 2001 08:09:27 -0700

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>Donald Welsh wrote:
>>these are the people I hang out with.
>Funny, I was expecting a list at the bottom of the post.

You didn't see it? Your reader must have trimmed it out. Here it is from DW's original post:

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Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: So long...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 23 May 2001 13:22:44 +0000

Sid schrieb:
>Just for the record, as is obvious from the attribute lines in the beginning of this post, it was Lane who opened the portal. I just did a "Oh look! There's an open portal" routine.

"...it's a note! It says 'Please do not throw garbage into our dimension'."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey hey it's the first of May!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Wed, 16 May 2001 16:54:09 GMT

Ben Fisher <ben.fisher.spam.buster.intel.com> wrote:
>"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
>> Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> said:
>> >Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> wrote:
>> >>...anyone for cross-froup cascades?
>> >Sure, why not.
>> Alright...who else checked the Newsgroups line?
>Guilty as charged.

I peeked, but I didn't see anything, I swear!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey There redux
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 16 May 2001 21:50:46 GMT

Erik Mooney <erik.SPAMFILTER-dos486.com> said:
>pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>>Gold Inlaid Muffet wrote:
>>>"Yes that's right--why use that expensive technologically advanced method when you can trick a few bald apes into contravening the will of the universe for you?! And what's more, our antigravity methods run on the simple but effective universal fuel: Beer!"
>>"A few bald apes"?
>>Oh, of course. I forgot the popular theory: Given an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite amount of time with your furniture, they'll eventually deliver your stuff to the right address.
>Well, an infinite number of monkeys wouldn't help, since they couldn't move it faster than c, and you can get arbitrarily close to c with an arbitrarily large finite number of monkeys. And only a finite number of monkeys can touch a piece of furniture at any one instant.

See, that's where you're wrong. We're using infinitely small monkeys.

>Since time is a first-order infinity and space is third-order, your stuff wouldn't get to the right address until after an infinite amount of time. Which may still be faster than waiting for conventional movers.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies divide their rhesus in pieces


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey There redux
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 20 May 2001 00:50:06 -0400

Comrade Gold Inlaid Muffet wrote:
> Who are the guys with the silver suits who are forced to rebreath air from their crotch all the time. You see them all over the place...

Middle management.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Buddha Day!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 18 May 2001 16:03:57 GMT

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Donald Welsh wrote ...
><snip re _The_Mummy_>
>>I noticed an RP character using a non-RP expression, but other historical inaccuracies held my attention. I mean, how often did ancient Egyptian women wax their armpits?
>>-- D. "Or cover their breasts?" W.
>I bet you complained about Michael Caine's fillings in _Zulu_ ;-)

_Zulu_. That's a good movie. I remember a movie that was on recently, _First Knight_ I think, starring Sean Connery as King Arthur. There's a scene in which the younger costar as Lancelot steps up to the round table and *reads the inscription*.

This cannot have been a time of universal literacy, so I was taken aback that the king did not notice this. Why didn't he at least say something like, "Where did you learn to read?" or "We have a scribe among us, it seems!" And surely the inscription was not in the vulgar tongue -- very curious that a commoner should read Latin.

That an astute king would not notice such a thing I find harder to accept than the scene in which Lancelot runs through several mechanical devices, managing to avoid them all on his first try.

He probably remembered that level from playing the video game.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dammit.
From: surfbaud.allyourclothes.waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)
Date: Mon, 21 May 2001 12:51:12 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>Curse you, Dave Hemming. Just when it looks like I might escape, you pull me back in!

Well, if you'd incarnate more often, I wouldn't have to save them up and unleash them on you just when you least expect it.

And that goes for the rest of you, too! Remember, without the Oracle, this would be rec.humor.d.
.
.
.
Scary thought, isn't it?

Dave


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: an explained URL
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 20 May 2001 00:33:15 -0400

Comrade Donald Welsh wrote:
> What about a Mexican wave?

Ugh. Please, not now, I just ate a burrito.

JIM, who has no idea what he's talking about


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm tired
From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.msn.com>
Date: Sat, 19 May 2001 22:41:20 -0700

GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com> wrote:
>'Jim Evans' wrote:
>>Just, for Ghod's sake, nobody mention pants again.
>Good God, is that what started it :)

Absolutely. Now if everyone in rhod will just drop their pants I think we can move on.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok...stop it!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sun, 20 May 2001 09:47:31 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>Comrade Screwtape wrote:
>> Gold Inlaid Muffet schrieb:
>> >Yes yes, I know it was awful--but look on the brightside, I got this Tuna out of the deal
>> >*holds it up for inspection*
>> Aha, tuna surprise.
>So how *do* you tune a surprise?

Better yet, how do you surprise a tuna?

Sneak up on it disguised as a coral reef?
Hide in the seaweed making noises like a sardine?
Paint your tonails bright red and pretend to be a school of Siamese fighting fish?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Og Sighting
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 20 May 2001 11:10:40 +0000

Otis Viles schrieb:
>Jason <jbeasley.primary.net> wrote:
>>Have you tried a Mountain Dew Code Red? I hear it's pretty good.
>I was enjoying it until a friend said it tasted like cough syrup. Since then I've not been able to dispel that from my head so it's pretty much ruined it for me.

So it tastes much like Dr. Pepper, then?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More absence, reasons thereof and anticipatory bail
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Tue, 22 May 2001 21:31:03 +1000

Andrew Comeau wrote ...
<snip>
>Ordinarily, it's not that bad but the first couple of times talking in front of people after an extended period away from it have always made me nervous
...

It's like most other skills. People have varying inborn amounts, but everyone benefits from practice. I hated public speaking in school, but found I had the ability to talk underwater with a mouthful of marbles, *if* I had lots of practice and assured content[1].

Richard F.

[1] Later, I progressed to three golf-balls under wet cement.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Finally
From: Jim Menard <jimm.fnord.io.com>
Date: 22 May 2001 07:40:11 -0500

Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> writes:
> Hetta (Of course, I have always maintained that emacs sucks. How did you exit from that one, again? Ctrl-C? Ctrl-x-E? Go to another terminal and kill -9 your process?)

Do what I do: never exit Emacs. I use it for email, news, coding, and file manipulation (dired mode is wonderful). It is also a floor wax and a desert topping.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Finally
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 20:48:22 -0400

Al wrote:
> } TimC -- who thinks /usr/local/bin/xemacs makes a good shell.
> } Hell, a good OS.
> That's as may be, but now someone should write a decent editor for it. One that doesn't require a contortionist to navigate with.

Yeah, they call that vi mode.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Finally
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 29 May 2001 16:49:52 GMT

Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> said:
>Jim Evans schrieb:
>>Henriette Kress wrote:
>>> Hetta (Of course, I have always maintained that emacs sucks. How did you exit from that one, again? Ctrl-C? Ctrl-x-E? Go to another terminal and kill -9 your process?)
>>rm /bin/emacs ?
>Doesn't work. You could cover a Unix process in flaming napalm, and it'd be too stupid to realise it was supposed to be dead - just keep on working.

And here we see the primary advantage of a Windows machine--you don't need flaming napalm to make a process die.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies go down for no reason at all


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Serious offer. This is not ordinary offer as many in Internet. The New Way In Your Life Here!!!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 24 May 2001 22:49:14 GMT

to_infinity.mail.ru <to_infinity.mail.ru> said:

Hey look...Buzz Lightyear is paying us a visit!

>Hello, Dear Friend!

Hey! Ya know, I really loved you in that _Toy_Story_ picture. Do you do all your own stunts? Cuz a man who does his own stunts like that really gets my juices flowing. Are you single?

>Serious offer for You here.

If you mean "you" and you're offering what I think you're offering, then you've had me since "Hello". If you mean "You", then you'll have to take it up with Orrie himself.

>This is not ordinary offer as many in Internet.

I'm not looking for anything "ordinary", WWNNSNM.

>Would You like to improve Your life?

I'm not looking for anything long-term. Long yes, long-term no.

>Do You have financial difficulties?!

Yeah...do you know how expensive that Lego dildo set is?

>Do You want to change Your life?!

Nah, I'm happy living alone, getting off on computer-rendered images of children's toys.

>You need to come here!!!

Ah, so we *are* talking about the same thing.

>Here the New Way will open for You!

Which way is that, exactly?

>Please visit http://toy-story-xxx.com . The New Way In Your Life Here!!! You will not regret! Welcome to World Exclusive Club. This is not usual light-minded offer on Internet. Check it!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to eat Mrs. Potatohead


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dude, cheese rules
From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.msn.com>
Date: Thu, 24 May 2001 20:28:15 -0700

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>Ah yes...in the moment before it died of lonliness, the cell did fire and enlightenment was attained.

Oh good, then. As long as you've attained enlightenment you won't be needing that brain cell. We can find a position for you as an adherent a some new, trendy religious cult involving fat, balding Delphic oracles, woodchucks and squid with herpes,

...or you can become a Himbo...where the word 'position' may actually be more apt, but the enlightenment and a single dimly functioning brain cell render you somewhat overqualified.

Your pick.

>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are comfortably d^Hnumb

That helps. That definitely helps.


Julsy, now representing Monster.com's branch office in the 9th Circle of Hell.


From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Ahh I see. Hey, Daniel! The Priesthood beckons.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Life Sucks (Warning! Rant!)
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 28 May 2001 13:54:44 +0000

Screwtape schrieb:
>I've got a mate who lives in Sutherland. Maybe I can get him to ring up all the cute girls in Sutherland and ask 'em if they know any liver-and-white English springer spaniels.

<accent country="ireland">

I've got a mate, who made himself a set of bagpipes by hollowin' out an octopus.

</accent>

Screwtape,
...It had to be done, and I didn't think anyone else would do it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Life Sucks (Warning! Rant!)
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 29 May 2001 11:41:45 +0000

GW De Lacey schrieb:
>'Screwtape' wrote:
>>GW De Lacey schrieb:
>>>As to the question... a London to Paris or Berlin to Moscow type of distance is more apropos.
>>That hardly qualifies as "halfway across Australia", I guess you were employing rhetoric.
>There is a point in distance where impossibility and kilometers blur,

"Great scot, I'm travelling at a hundred and twenty impossibilites an hour!"

>and exaggeration has no meaning.

I know a lot of people that would like to send me *there*.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: "Quake" for kitties?
From: surfbaud.allyourclothes.waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)
Date: Wed, 30 May 2001 11:26:39 +0100

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have fart-incense

Wasn't that what the Kings brought for the Baby Jesus? All kids love humorous novelty gifts.

It's a little known fact that the whole section about the birth of Christ is just an ad for Three Kings Imports, included as part of the contract that got their sponsorship.

They brought gold, fart-incense AND MORE!!! ALL AT THESE CRAZY LOW LOW PRICES!!!

Unfortunately, all the ads were removed by medieval monks when they transcribed The Bible Brought to You By Three Kings Imports and Honest Achmed's Used Camel Emporium. It has to be said, that was something of an unwieldy title. It's no wonder the religion never really took off.

Dave (who really shouldn't be writing posts at 3:45am)



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