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2001 05 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: For our local grepper
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 22:15:27 GMT

Also Sprach Screwtape:
> >For future reference, "Malcolm" is almost 1/3 of my real name
> Your real name's three times as long as "Malcolm"? Wow.

Doan be daft. How would that look on a birth cersticket?

Surname: Wow
Forenames: three times as long as "Malcolm"?
Father's Name: Tarquin times Wow
Mother's Maiden Name: Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzp

"times" is a traditional fambly name. "three" was my grandfather's name. Good ol Grampa three times Alady.

Anyway, that's sixnames. And a punctuations. Is that allowed in Straya? Are there really people called Mick "Crocodile" Dundee whose birth cerstickets have been punctuated upon in that fashion for dramatic effect in later life? What if they become accountants? Does that explain Donald's .sigs? Does he change his name by deed-poll every time he posts? Inquiring minds have nothing better to do than ask.

> Malcolmrolladopoulos, I salute thee!

Smile when you say that, stranger...

> Screwtape,
> ...whose name is as short as his, er.. pseudonym.

Ooh, a riddle! Who's name is as short as his, er...pseudonym? Give me a moment on this one. <thinks>

<aside>I'll close that tag later. It might come in handy.</aside>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Temporary hiatus
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Mon, 30 Apr 2001 21:52:37 -0700

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>Dear fellow rhodents,
>Unfortunately it looks like I might have to take a short break from rhod. I am acting director of our short-staffed department for a couple of months and my work load has increased substantially. That means that my early morning rhod checks are going to have to be curtailed, because there are lots of other things I will need to be doing. From time to time I might be able to check in but I'm not going to be able to keep up with any of the threads. Come to think of it, that's not news anyway!
>If you want me, there's always email. Play nicely everybody and I'll talk to you soon.

Right, that's it.

I've just about had it!

There's been an awful rash of you lot scampering away back beneath your respective rocks. You, with your fancy-shmancy "Real Lives" and "biological needs" and precious "sanity".

"Oh, but Mr. TechnoAtheist. I haven't eaten in years and my wife left me for an absurdly proportioned hamster wrangler."

Fiddle! When I was your age (well, in some cases, when I become your age) you think I bothered with distractions such as family and work and outside responsibilities?

Quite Right I did.

Wait. I was making some sort of point here wasn't I?

Oh, never mind. The Chris Issak show is on.

Later Ian. You're an inspiration to us all.

To others, you're an effective threat to get them to eat their veggies.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: An explained URL
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 1 May 2001 23:35:17 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> said:
> It's happened to everyone at some stage. You're going through the most-perused section of the newspaper when, quite suddenly, you run against the proverbial brick wall. You stop and stare, puzzled for hours on end, but no matter how long you attempt to wrap your mind around it you know you'll never fathom the depths of thought involved in its creation.

Yeah...I never could figure out how nature could create such perfect lingerie models.

> Yes, you have encountered: the Comic Page.

Oh.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies only read the ad text


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: An explained URL
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Tue, 8 May 2001 21:43:58 +1000

Tim Chew wrote ...
>BJ wrote:
>> which is a real bloody pain in the butt when I carry diskettes around
>Well, you know, that's not where you're supposed to keep them.

And you don't want to be *anywhere* near when he "burns" a new CD.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I think I love this newsgroup
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Tue, 01 May 2001 20:58:00 -0700

"Coronary Bypass Muffet" <cosmic_muffet.hotmail.com> wrote:
>go about your business

No, it is taboo to love group. At least not right away. Much better idea to just date first. Bring flowers and freshly killed buffalo. Extra points, make flowers out of buffalo. Lose points making buffalo out of flowers.

Then we go dance. Maybe a movie. You take group home, group give you peck on cheek. Group big tease, really.

Eventually, you call group after group sit waiting by telephone wondering if group had bits of buffalo stuck between teeth or if group looked fat in that dress.

Second date, you take group to big fancy dinner. You order Surf and Turf. Group order salad and just steal nibbles from your plate. Nibbles wind up being the "Surf" part, but you not that hungry anyway. You and group spend night drinking and laughing. You come back to Group hotel room where group invite you in for nightcap.

You think you get lucky.

Group go change into something more relaxing. Group come back wearing tight lacy teddy. Group say "Group like kinky sex. Group want to tie you up."

You agree because you pretty horny.

Group tie you to bed using silk scarves.

Group then steal you wallet and clothes.

You released by hotel maid next day. She laugh at you.

You right angry at group. Tell friends "Group probably a guy anyway".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I think I love this newsgroup
From: Xander <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Fri, 04 May 2001 08:55:29 -0700

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>TechnoAtheist wrote ...
>>GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com> wrote:
>>>'Coronary Bypass Muffet' wrote:
>>>>Mmmmm
>>>>Group give heap big good advice. Young brave will guard feelings more closely. Young brave not surprised by group treachery. All groups same: crazy horses who ride in the wind without pleasure.
>>>Ah, the English Language.
>>>From Neanderthal to Red Indian in two posts.
>>You city people easy to confuse.
>>That not Neanderthal.
>>Neanderthal not use complicated syntax and have problems with participle clauses.
>>I speak proud tongue of noble Plains People.
>Oh, jeez. Why'd you have to go do that?
>Now we're gonna have ZANDAR come down on us for equal time.

(Xander posts: TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com)
(ZANDAR posts: jevans.physics.uottawa.ca)

Hill people full of great winds. Build tribe economy off off Internet Ad revenue. Investors not happy with long range Hill People profit forecast. Change stock rating to "sell".

Your tongue is forked, cowardly son of baboons. In the Buffalo Hunt of the New Economy, Plains People are scrawny sick ones whose meat is stringy.
.
Tongue not only thing forked on ZANDAR.
Xander hear ZANDAR forked in many places.
.
Like in Xander's hut, with Xander's newest wife.
.
Ah, Xander wonder why Ooglooga not want pay that day. Ooglooga one happy maid. Ooglooga very happy when Xander drop Ooglooga off back at leper colony.
.
Noble Plains People grow fat on choice of grazing buffalo.
.
Tip, Plains Person - small white animals with high pitched bark and froo-froo collars not buffalo. Plains People are hunting poodles.
.
Xander thank ZANDAR for "warning". Will be very careful with, what is it in Hill Tribe tounge? The Terrible OOGYAPPIYAPPI? Maybe Xander do ZANDAR favor. Kill some around Hill Tribe Settlement. Then maybe Hill Tribe warriors come out from under bed.

(ZANDAR just ticked because Xander already use sheep joke.)
.

Even set up good distribution network along City People's Freeway. (Xander make tollbooths, like watching fancy city people try find change for three beads and beaver skin.)
.
Plains People are so dumb, they probably take fuzzy seat covers.

Noble Plains People build revenue using traditional advertising channels. Plains People know slow growth, good growth. Plains People get good deals on Herman Miller chairs on eBay from Hill People.

Ha. The cowardly Plains People would not know sustainable business model if it came into their hut covered in dung and chanted, "I am a sustainable business model" in diatonic scale.
.
This from person who lost domain to those that squat? Xander's mouth grows wide with grinning.
.
Plains Person's mouth must be wide, to accomodate large stinking Plains Person foot. When M'GOGO GOMA, Hill People's lawyer, gets done with stinking squatters, many many buffalo will be added to ZANDAR's herd.
.
Plains people build brand through mighty multi-media marketing program, not rely on brand equity alone. Also, Xander get sweet cobrand deal with Pepsi. Maybe get part in next Britney Spears video.
.
Pfah. Skinny City girl with squishy goop in her BWANZAs. ZANDAR and Hill people will be appearing in next Star Wars film.
.
Xander wonder who they get to replace JarJar.
.
Plus backwards Plains People don't know cheap Tawainese imitations when they buy them on eBay. In the words of the City People, : P
.
Then explain why Xander new throne have "ZANDAR x5301" written on move sticker stuck to bottom? As for words of City People, Xander hear most words from City People on Free-way. Xander not repeat them. This family forum.
.
Stinking Plains Person thieves! This chair was stolen from the Hill People village in a cowardly raid last crescent moon! You have my Palm VIII too, cowardly fondler of rams? We will meet on the battle ground of our ancestors, Plains Person!

Quake death match at dawn!

Plus, Zandar Mother dress Zandar funny.

ZANDAR, Kizing of the Hill People
.
Xander, who never heard mighty Plains Buffalo go "Baaa!".
.
ZANDAR, j00 d34d, f00

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I think I love this newsgroup
From: Xander <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Wed, 09 May 2001 10:07:08 -0700

>> Then explain why Xander new throne have "ZANDAR x5301" written on move sticker stuck to bottom?
>Stinking Plains Person thieves! This chair was stolen from the Hill People village in a cowardly raid last crescent moon! You have my Palm VIII too, cowardly fondler of rams? We will meet on the battle ground of our ancestors, Plains Person!

Very well. Xander accept Hill People declaration of war! Xander will beat War Drum, summon mighty Plains People Warriors. Mighty Plains People will show Hill People no mercy. Hill People will weep like little girls. Hill People will flee from mighty Plains People like birds from burritto night.

As soon as Xander find damn stick for drum. Ah, here stick.

*BOOM*LOolooOOloolooLOO*BOOM*ooOOoolOoLooOLOooo*BOOM*OooLoolool
*Boom*
Lool?

Where mighty Plains Warriors?

If Xander find warriors still playing Tekken, Xander going to be ticked.

HEY!! Are Mighty Warriors deaf, or just stupid? Mighty Warriors not hear Xandar beat war drum and let loose mighty Yodel of Justice? Plains People honor has been besmirched by uppity Hill People. This day we train for. We..

No Xander not wait 'til you clear level. This War! Warriors turn off PS2 and get out here.

Like Xander say, this day we train and work for. We Plains People good nobel folks that never want war, but not ones to back away. And now foolish Hill People have thrown down gauntlet. Yes?

Gauntlet is glove thing. Used by ancient city people.

Because traditional Plains People challenge sound stupid.

Very well, "Hill People have eaten our squirrel hot pocket".

Mighty Plains People Warriors, Stop giggling!!

Now, before we don Mighty Plains People war garb, we pray to Plains People God.

"Oh Great and Benevolent 'Jimmy', Please to protect nobel warriors from sharp pointy things that enemies hurl at them with unrelenting fury. Let noble Plains Warriors deaths be quick and reasonably painless. And may fields run red with blood that Hill People slip on and bang elbows. Amen."

Mighty Plains People Warriors will TURN OFF THAT .#!$! PS2 AND GET OUT HERE!!!

Now, Xander inspect his troops.

Hmm. Xander realize free donut breakfast bad idea.

At least warriors have lots of energy to draw from. Now we run like gazelle to sacred battle grounds, half days run away.

We run because we are eager to *huff* to make those *huff* that are *pant* something *huff*huff*pant*

Ok, *huff* Mighty Warriors got to *huff* parking lot. Maybe we.. we conserve.. energy for.. big battle. Xander drive War Minivan.

Mighty warriors remember to buckle up? Good.

Yes?

No, Mighty warriors NOT stop by MickeyB's to get buffalo happy meals!

Damn traffic. *Honk*Honk* HEY!! XANDER COMMANDS LADY TO HANG UP AND DRIVE!!!


Huh, BMW must have new psychic turn signal. Xander supposed to just know BMW want to change lanes.

There exit, "Sacred Battle Grounds". Who have change for Beaver Skin?

Ok, Everyone out of minivan.

Behold Sacred Battle Grounds. This place mighty wars fought for honor and glory. This place full of stark beauty and sadness. This land where fathers, and fathers of fathers have settled scores as long as people have been. This sacred land filled with the spirits of those gone before. Ooh, they sell new T-Shirt!

Yes?

No, warriors not get overtime for this.


Warriors get back OUT of minivan.


Unlock Minivan door now!


Who? ZANDAR!? uh Hi!

No, warriors not "chicken". Merely being stealthy. Xander not need stupid warriors anyway, Xander can defeat Hill People warriors by self. Xander Strong like Lion! Bold like Eagle! Cunning like Fox! Brave like

owieowieowieowieowieowieowie

No Fair!! ZANDAR give Xandar noogie attack! That hurt!

Mom always did like ZANDAR best...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I think I love this newsgroup
From: ZANDAR <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 07 May 2001 23:14:15 -0400

TechnoAtheist wrote:
> >Ah, the English Language.
> >From Neanderthal to Red Indian in two posts.
> You city people easy to confuse.
> That not Neanderthal.
> Neanderthal not use complicated syntax and have problems with participle clauses.
> I speak proud tongue of noble Plains People.

(ZANDAR posts: jevans.physics.uottawa.ca)
(Xander posts: TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com)

This reminds me of a humorous anecdote.

A River Person, a Forest Person, and a Plains Person went to the city to see one of the moving pictures. After the pictures stopped moving and the lights returned, the three extra large iced teas of which they had partook filled them with a certain urging.

"I know what must be done," said the Forest Person, who was wise in the ways of the City People, "We must visit the Room of Bathing."

And they sought out the Room of Bathing. There they were confronted with three peculiar sculptures of pottery. The travellers were bemused by what they saw.

"I am not sure of the purpose of these things," said the Forest Person. "They contain water, perhaps we use them to wash?"

"No," said the River Person, "they are clearly some kind of altar - we must make a sacrifice of one of those white mints before we take our relief."

The Plains Person drowned.

How dare you mock the nobel sacrifice of Backteethfloating! (He have big problem with literal vs. figurative, but he good scout.)

Plains People lack the necessary cerebral development. It is surprising that they walk upright.

Very well then, Our legends speak of two Hill People who walked into bar. Noble Plains Person ducked.

Two Plains People were walking along highway to the city. They see highway sign, saying in the City tongue "Watch for Rock on Road".

Plains People get very excited. They pile one, two, many rocks on the road.

Soon cars come. They stop. City people honk at the Plains People, and say many indelicate things in their City tongue, yelling at them to clear rocks out of road. Plains People ignore them, and wait.

Soon Ministry of Highways truck arrives. City man gets out, in yellow vest and hard hat. He says to the Plains People, "Hey! Get these rocks off the road!"

Plains People say, "First you give us watch."


I love Plains People jokes.

ZANDAR, thank you, I shall be here all Rainy Season.

XANDER, Xander got million of them.

Fleas?

ZANDAR, with the zinger


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I think I love this newsgroup
From: Xander <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Tue, 08 May 2001 20:43:46 -0700

A group of monkeys chomping at the bit claiming to be Jim Menard <jimm.eris.io.com> wrote:
>Xander <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com> writes:
>> XANDER, Xander got million of them.
>Me forget...is that "many, many", or "many, many, many"?

It equal to number teeth of thrity-one thousand, two hundred fifty Noble Plains Warriors. With Hill People, number of warriors much, much larger...

Xander, and Plains Warriors breath better too.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: To the Kasbah =>
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 03 May 2001 02:10:48 +1000

Bactrian or Dromedary,
It matters not a jot -
When talking camel humpishness -
Why - they *all* have quite a lot.

Their rounded shape,
Their slender thigh,
Their sweet soft breath,
Their thick-lashed eye...
The long, fine neck,
The dainty head -
Need I go on
Or has enough been said?

Yes - a camel is a glorious thing,
Sent to us by the Gods above.
So who are we to question fate
When with a camel we fall in love?

Just count your blessings -
NOT their humps,
Whether one or two or more.
And then snuggle your camel
In the dark -
And proceed to make some more.

And then soon enough -
Throughout all the lands -
On very horizon -
Camel Caravans!

One hump, two humps - some with none,
It matters not -
We're *all* Children of The Camel Gods -
We all share the same warm sun!

So question not the quantity -
For any humps be cheery,
Because life without a few humps sometimes
Would be *very* plain and dreary.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To the Kasbah =>
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 02 May 2001 13:22:07 -0700

Sara M wrote:
>Would be *very* plain and dreary.

My dear Sara, I do despair
To hear your love of camel hair
To speak of it as soft and cool
When it 'tis naught but wholesale wool.

Camels spit, they grunt, they act uncouth
Worse than men, to tell the truth.
Haughty, demanding, and just plain bad;
A camel's not the best to be had.

If animal tendency is your thing,
Might you consider another fling?
A lover wild, crazy, and free?
Who would be great (no, not me)?

I speak of none other than the cat
And though some might think it brat
It is, in fact, the best of all,
For it can fit between six walls.

A feline is your friend, you see,
It brings you rats and will sit for tea.
It's clean, it's conscious, and it plays a lot
It does great things that a camel ought.

But I see you're not to change your mind,
So I offer the best deal you'll find:
A feline brain in the head of your beast;
A camel with inhibitions released!

A dromedary that gets distracted by points of light,
Dances with dust and runs round all night.
It will want to curl upon your lap
And makes you sit real still while it takes a nap.

Have fun! Enjoy! My gift to you!
Remember me when your camel mews.
You lucky sod, you lucky gal;
To have a feline camel as your pal.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To the Kasbah =>
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Wed, 02 May 2001 21:05:16 -0700

A group of monkeys in the ER claiming to be Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net> wrote:
>But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!


Now, he tells me.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To the Kasbah =>
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 04 May 2001 17:39:11 +1000

Kevin Blackburn wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> writes
> >To have a feline camel as your pal.
> Evil Goodbye Kamel?
> Come not in that form!
> Be as any other mammal,
> However outside the norm.
> --
> Kevin Blackburn Kevin.fairbruk.demon.co.uk
> Whose hoard of fluffy animals can't rhyme either.

Psst - have they tried using "neither"?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More disgusting that Carffee
From: Jason <jbeasley.primary.net>
Date: Thu, 03 May 2001 09:57:44 -0500

Al Sharka wrote:
> Sid wrote:
> > *Chris Wesling
> > >Eggnog on cornflakes isn't bad. Instead of having to put sugar on the cereal, you see, it's already in the eggnog...
> > Heard a lot about eggnog, but I have never experienced it first-hand. What is this thing made off?
> Isn't it obvious? Eggs and nog, of course.

Don't pay any attention to him, Sid. It's eggs, *sugar*, and nog.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More disgusting that Carffee
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Sat, 05 May 2001 14:57:07 -0700

A group of monkeys making neat motor noises claiming to be Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote:
>GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com> wrote:
>>>>>>No wonder it looks lik^THWAP
>>>>>s/lik/tast^THWAP
>>>>No wonder it looks tast^THWAP^THWAP?
>>>Dammit. Of course that should have been: s/looks/tast^THWAP
>>No wonder it tast^THWAP lik^THWAP?
>How'd you recover so fast from the first THWAP?

Ok, is it me or has anyone else noticed that this thread bears a striking resemblance to a playing card in your bike spokes?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey it's the *fifth* of may now(was Re: Hey hey it's the first of May!)
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Sat, 05 May 2001 14:53:58 -0700

A group of monken drunkeys claiming to be Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote:
>Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.msn.com> wrote:
>>Natch. It's Julsy's birthday. The people of Mexico know a good reason for fiesta when they see one.
>Happy Birthday and all that. Do we get invited to the grand feast?

Ahhh shoot, dash right! I knew dat there wash a reashon for thish.

A toh-Toasht! To Fai*urrrp* (excshuse me) Fair Julshy. High Prieshtess offff... the Horacle!! For we are like Mothsh to your brillilliallalllance becaush we too... are looking to get lit. And while shome of ush have taken to popping out of pastriesh, the resht uf ush know the one true way to make you indeshcribably ha-happy thish day.

We paid off the grochery clerk to ashk to shee your ID.

Three Cheeersh for Julshy!!

Hip, Hip, Hooray! Hip, Hip, Hooray! Hip, Hip, Hnngrorf!

Shorry about that, JIM. 'sh cheap beer...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey there!
From: Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com>
Date: 4 May 2001 22:28:14 GMT

Stevil <stephen.c912452-a.rchdsn1.tx.home.com> wrote:
>Have any of you little rhoddies noticed just how cool I really am? Well, HAVE YOU?

So come out of the freezer already. We stopped playing hours back.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just in case it didn't work...
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 11 May 2001 18:15:47 GMT

Jason <jbeasley.primary.net> said:
>Dave Hemming wrote:
[tidied]
>> > I'll see your space-filler and raise you enough styrofoam peanuts to fill the Grand Canyon.
>> > I see your plystyrene landfill and raise you enough bubble-wrap to lift EGK into orbit. *POP!*
>> > I'll see your hours of entertainment and raise you a _Star_Wars_ marathon.
>> > I'll see your four Hamill's, and raise you five Paramounts
>> > I'll see your ten horses and raise you the Magnificent Seven.
>> > I'll see your curvaceous Borg and raise you a missing starship.
>> > I'll see your Jupiter and raise you a Robinson
>> > I'll see your Swiss Family and raise you some precision watches.
>> > I'll see your atomic clocks and raise you some batteries to power.
>> > I'll see your pink bunny and raise you a holy hand grenade.
>> > I'll see your three and raise you a five.
>> > I'll see your transposition and raise you a juxtaposition.
>> > I'll see you placing two by two and raise you a little one to tie his shoe.
>> > I'll see your executive assisstant do "other duties as assigned" and raise you a sturdy desk.
>> > I'll see your table-top for twists & trysts and raise you a canopy bed.
>>
>> I call.
>>
>> Full house: Boredom over Injokes.
>>
>> Beat that.
>
>Can't. All I've got is a straight line.

Sara's got a nice pair.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Do you believe in Jesus?
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 8 May 2001 11:20:23 +0000

Julianna Avedon schrieb:
> And he certainly won't do it if he's haddock with your evil ways.

I had a haddock once, but I took some asprin and it went away.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Is it 'sturgeon'?"

"Ha! Thass notta fish, thassa doc who cuts-a you up when you sick! Now I give you one more chance to guess de password. You're-a nivver gonna guess the password's 'swordfish'!"

"Swordfish, swordfish, swordfish... hmm... <thinks> Is it Swordfish?"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 200 unread and reasons thereof
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Sun, 06 May 2001 20:15:17 -0700

A group of MEAT eating monkeys claiming to be "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Gordol wrote ...
>>Richard Fitzpatrick said:
>>; Donald Welsh wrote:
>>; >Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>; >>Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti has not only engaged in cross-cultural socialising, but miscegenation.
>>; >I remember Miss Cegenation. I liked her even better than Miss Congeniality.
>>; Who was streets ahead of Miss Construed.
>>But not quite as nice as Miss Demeanor.
>Who was prettier than, but not as much fun as, Miss Spent-Youth.

Well, there was the gal that was nominated by the National Beef Consumers Council, but they realized it was an error.

<Mistake. GROAN! - Hetta>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey There redux
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 8 May 2001 11:32:35 +0000

Gordol schrieb:
>Jim Evans said:
>; So that's my complaint. My stupid country is inconvenient and expensive.
>So why can you get Ikia stuff at one half to one third of what it costs here?

'cos in Canada they don't have to structurally reinforce it to withstand positive-Celsius temperatures.

Screwtape,
...Ikea's the north-European one, right?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey There redux
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 15 May 2001 08:41:32 -0600

I believe Gordol has gone a bit ... wonky:
>Daniel E. Macks said:
>; >I never did that. I've always managed to have real book cases or built-in shelves when I needed them. Where I'm moving from has built-in shelves, where I'm moving to doesn't. Hence the need for book cases.
>; Wouldn't it be more efficient in the long run to just get rid of your books?
>No. I need the book to hold the book cases down.

So then what's the problem? Double-stack your books until no more can fit (this works especially well with those tiny paperbacks, also known as "mass market" titles), and throw all the excess ones away.

Or you could try removing the anti-gravity generators from underneath the bookcases, but that's probably too simple.

--
potu - must make moving easier, though.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Buddha Day!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 8 May 2001 23:48:56 GMT

Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.msn.com> said:
>dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>>Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.msn.com> said:
>>>Not bad for haiku. However, most punned haiku is actually punned.
>>Sorry, he actually meant:
>> Contemplating zinc,
>> What the fsck's up with Buddha?
>> Rubbin' the pants!
>"Rubbin' the pants?"
>Vell dat zertainly giffs me
>Zometing to zinc on...

Your first line's not right:
You are a syllable short.
Here--have an extra one.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have a wonder if it'd be easier just to use a Semprini


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Buddha Day!
From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.msn.com>
Date: Wed, 09 May 2001 15:30:10 -0700

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>Oh crap, you are right.
>Guess we both need the extra one.
>Hands off-'twas mine first!
>
>Note: I make no jokes
>About something twice as big
>Inside of my pants.

So correct you are.
Yours is larger by twice than
My tiny hiney.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Did I miss something?
From: Lionel <nop.alt.net>
Date: Wed, 09 May 2001 17:45:15 +1000

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>Comrade pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>> Robot Karate Man wrote:
>> >Just cleaning up my bookmarks folder and I noticed something. Where's POTU's site?
>> If you mean pieceoftheworld.com, it's having troubles. I've been trying to teach it the way of the universe, but it refuses to learn. I've had tech support stuff it into a drawer and poke at it now and then until it becomes more responsive.
>Hm. Are they using the right tools? Effective poking should be done with a 16" length of 3/4" white pine dowling, rounded to a 1/8" radius at the business (or "poketive") end. Anything else and I don't guarantee consistent results.

He also probably forgot to sacrifice the goat.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: The sounds of summer.
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Tue, 08 May 2001 20:35:44 -0700

It's 86° inside. I have no air-conditioning. Well, other than me sweating and raising the humidity.

The windows are open.

It's dusk.

Next door the neighbor kid is practicing his trombone.

He's playing Beethoven. Not the first choice I would have made for trombone...


In the distance another kid is practicing his trumpet. I think it's Pachelbel's Canon.


I think I'll join them and start yodelling Bach.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Rhodent-Spotter's Field Guide Pt 1
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Wed, 09 May 2001 14:09:40 +1000

Daniel Macks has fish attacks,
Steve~O doesn't have much hair,
While Sid, he dwells in Singapore
And Jules haiku's everywhere.

Viki dear - well - she's a *blonde*,
Gordol's sigs are without peer.
Screwtape knows a lot of words
And Lane often home-brews beer.

GW's wheel has fallen off,
Richard's ghoti's a greenish tone
TA's got a monkey-troupe
And POTU's just moved to a new home.

JIM's ZANDAR's friend from Canada,
Cici a Texas Yellow Rose is
Israel brings us Teh [tie:poe]
Whilst Ian Davis makes diagnoses.

D "...." W's a Melbournite,
TimC's stuck somewhere out near Parkes.
BJ takes his showers cold
And Hetta makes cures from leaves and barks.

Tim Chew is getting married,
John D looks not upon the fnord
Jellyroll Papadopoulos has a very long name
Whilst Insidious is our Dominator Lord.

Fierce Cookie often spits by ground,
Chris W loves Freyja.
Dave Hemming is from Pommy Land
And me - I'm from Orstraya!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Rhodent-Spotter's Field Guide Pt 1
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 01:44:44 +1000

TechnoAtheist wrote:
>A group of well versed monkeys claiming to be Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >And me - I'm from Orstraya!
> Well Done!
> Of course, now I've got that damn Nails tune stuck in my head...

I don't know nuthin about no Nails tune - I'm too busy cringing, waiting for someone to point out that Hetta doesn't bark...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Rhodent-Spotter's Field Guide Pt 1
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Tue, 15 May 2001 15:04:11 GMT

Also Sprach Jim Evans:
> > o Eurovision Snog Contest
> Apparently there's a Canadian entrant this year. A Quebec lass.

Ah, yes. Cubic's very own Slimy Diode. She taught herself English especially for the contest, and had her tusks removed. Her song, "Titanic", sunk without trace.

This year's winner, Estonia, decided that the secret of success would be an entry that was 50% Estonian and 50% Aruban. After several tragic attempts to achieve this by transplant surgery, they hit on the idea instead of making the song a duet and the rest, as they say, is hystery.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey hey it's the first of May!
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Wed, 9 May 2001 04:56:58 GMT

Sid said:
; Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
; >I actually bought my birthday pressie to myself this weekend, altho my bd isn't until July. Oh, but I told all about that already.
; When in July?

Do as the Julians?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stuck for words?
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 10 May 2001 15:48:18 GMT

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> said:
>Chris Suslowicz wrote:
>> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>> >http://www.AdultToyReviews.com/words/words.html
>> <Investigates page>
>> *BAD* Sara! If I posted that page to work, the mailsweeper program would probably explode.
>> Eek!
>I reckon we could come up with a few more names...
>Take penis words for example - "affair", "almond" and "almond rock"? Is that the *best* they can come up with?

So a guy has an almond and a girl a praline?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies hope the military doesn't shell their nuts


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stuck for words?
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 10 May 2001 16:53:19 GMT

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> said:
>What do you call two nuts on the wall?

Walnuts.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies hope the rest of life is this easy


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stuck for words?
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 11 May 2001 02:23:08 +1000

Jason wrote:
> Sara M wrote:
> > Jason wrote:
> > > Sara M wrote:
> > > > Chris Suslowicz wrote:
> > > > > Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> > > > > >http://www.AdultToyReviews.com/words/words.html
> > > > > <Investigates page>
> > > > > *BAD* Sara! If I posted that page to work, the mailsweeper program would probably explode.
> > > > > Eek!
> > > > I reckon we could come up with a few more names...
> > > > Take penis words for example - "affair", "almond" and "almond rock"? Is that the *best* they can come up with?
> > > > "Ooh darling roll over - I want to plumb the very depths of your flaming desire with my enormous, throbbing *almond*"??
> > > > What about "Todger" and "John Henry" and "Willy" and...
> > > I bet you've got a million of them, don't you?
> > Nope - I'm a *girl*.
> On an unrelated note, you continue to amaze me. Do you realize that, by the timestamps, you posted yours before I'd even finished typing mine?

Your thoughts don't take *that* long to read.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I was idly wondering if the Pakmara could really do that
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 14 May 2001 10:51:16 +0000

Jason schrieb:
>Bah. There is no better hot pastrami on rye than is to be found at Kohn's here in St. Louis. It is so tender and fresh and warm that chewing is entirely optional. You place a bite in your mouth and mysteriously it just melts. The potato salad that comes with it deserves entire ballads. Also, if you're eating there between 12:30 and 2:00, Rabbi will be more than happy to resolve any moral quandries you might have.

I'm entirely heartened to see that after a dozen or so replies, no rhodent has yet broken out in a salad ballad.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So long...
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 14 May 2001 15:36:54 GMT

Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> said:
>TimC schrieb:
>>"There was an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine. Now concentrate!"
>I never before realised how infuriating this piece of advice would be, along the lines of "I bet you can't stop thinking about greased elephants for one minute".

DAMN YOU, SCREWTAPE!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies had hoped to get work done today


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [uk.local.bristol] Re: cycling on pavements (was critical mass)
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 15 May 2001 08:39:01 -0600

Screwtape wrote:
>pieceoftheuniverse schrieb:
>>Sid wrote:
>>>pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>>>>And there's a gorgeous view of snow-capped mountains in every conceivable direction (which is really scary when looking up, but you
>>>Funny, all the snow-capped mountains I have seen go in only one direction - up.
>>If you're fortunate enough not to take a tumble when skiing, that is.
>More generally, all snow-capped mountains tend to approach you.

Yes. At approximately 9.8 m/s squared.

>Wouldn't it be scary to name your kid Mohammed and watch all the ant-hills and little hills chasing after him?

I'm trying to fit a "Mohammed Ali" joke in there somewhere, but I can't find the proper reference.

>I'd just like to say how impressed I am at the history of this thread - presumably it started in uk.local.bristol, wandered in to ahbou, and now enjoys a lengthy revival in rhod. That's what *I* call thread migration.

We should change it's name and move it to a distant newsfroup, where it will never be traced back unless someone takes a good look at the reference tags. I hear it's been having problems with the mob, and wants to testify. Should we enlist it in our post relocation program?

--
potu - prp.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Finally!--a use for cats
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 15 May 2001 09:06:37 -0600

BJ wrote:
>[Obligatory reminder to pet owners: please have your animals spayed or neutered... fish owners are exempt from this, of course]

I don't see why. I can't recall how many times my (now ex-)fish would come back through the window after a night on the town, and then two weeks later I would find a bunch of caviar hidden away in the aquarium.

Do you know how difficult it is to drown baby fish?

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who eventually gave up and donated all fish to the Hammond Organ Society.



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