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2001 11 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Rant-Rant-Rant (on tour in Tokyo)
From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2001 22:27:03 GMT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) writes:
> Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> said:
> ><tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au> wrote:
> >>A friend in cheese is a friend indeed.
> >>.... But a friend with weed is better.
> >A friend with breasts and all the rest, a friend that's dressed in leather.
> >-- D. "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker." W.
> And sex won't rot your teeth.

You must not be doing it right.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2001 02:52:11 GMT

A group of monkeys smoking cigarettes claiming to be Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>Comrade Dave Hinz wrote:
>> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>> > Well, first you have to assume a perfectly spherical naked woman.
>> Wow, you do *not* want to know what mental image that brought up. Thanks alot, Jim.
>> Dave "Make it go awaaaaaayyyyy" Hinz
>Oh, that's easy. Just picture her colliding with a perfectly spherical anti-woman and annilhiating in an orgasmic cascade of hard radiation.
> JIM

man


and I thought having to sleep on the wet spot was bad....


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 20 Nov 2001 02:53:56 GMT

In two posts, Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
: Well, first you have to assume a perfectly spherical naked woman.
> Just picture her colliding with a perfectly spherical anti-woman and annilhiating in an orgasmic cascade of hard radiation.

I would think you'd need hard radiation to initiate the cascade, but that the decay product would be softer. The critical reaction is presumably an excited-state transition into the pi system.

It can also be observed that if one chills one's merkin, the reaction will proceed at a slower rate. This is an icy-toupee effect.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies can't find the delta-G-spot


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What robot are you?
From: Barry O'Neill <friend.public.com>
Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2001 12:47:27 -0000

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au says...
> http://www.robohouse.com/myrobot/
> Under my skin, I am really Roy Batty.

I had my robot dubbed.

Knight Grand Commander of The Order of Indefinite Timeframes, Sir Maximillian Riftwald von Flugenborger The Terrible


From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Hard to fit all that on a business card.
Also hard to carve all that on one of the puny hu-mon's foreheads.
JIMbot, eliminate! eliminate! elim... aw, jeez louise, he went up the stairs...

From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
davehinz.spamcop.net said this:
>pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>> Barry O'Neill said this:
>>>I had my robot dubbed.
>>>Knight Grand Commander of The Order of Indefinite Timeframes, Sir Maximillian Riftwald von Flugenborger The Terrible
>> Ack! He's crossed the threads!
>I thought you said "Don't cross the threads!".

Well, -I- didn't say it, originally, but the idea definitely has merit.
Now the universe is going to die, and it's going to take me with it.
--
pieceoftheuniverse - damn suicide pact ...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What robot are you?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 22 Nov 2001 01:03:05 -0500

Comrade Screwtape wrote:
> >> >Erm, does he ride a Harley and pull the chicks? No?
> >> Well, just their legs.
> >And just the ones with bells on.
> Tugging the Belles' bells. That just sounds so wrong.

And yet, so right.

> >> >But he *can* play a jukebox without coins? Cool!
> >> If you'll accept "playing it like a bongo-drum", then yes.
> >> He's also tried to play it like a double-bassoon, but the results weren't pretty and we promised never to speak of it again.
> >> Ooops.
> >Screwtape!!! You promised!
> Gah! That'll teach me to expose secrets in a public, easily searchable forum!

That's okay, nobody would ever think to search for "JIM" and "bassoon". It's one of those unlikely combos that just never come up, like "squid" and "herpes".

> >Just for that I'll have to tell them about those pictures EGK took of you in the cowboy outfit.
> Uh... you mean when I was alone in the outfit, or... uh.. accompanied?

Does the baboon count?

> >> >Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti says goodbye grey skies.
> >> "Goodbye, Blue Sky", shirley?
> >"Blue skies, all of them gone!
> > Nothing but fluorescent lighting from now on"
> Thank goodness. All that Vitamin D was making my ears twitch.

I always said you were a rabbit.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What robot are you?
From: tklosterman2.unl.edu (Tracie)
Date: 20 Nov 2001 10:49:39 -0800

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote
> TimC <tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au> said:
> >> Richard Fitzpatrick schrieb:
> >>>Man, I hope this spring lasts forever - these hayfever drugs are *outstanding*.
> >I recently found out some variety of cranburry flavoured alhichol tastes like cough medicine.
> Praps you're thinking of Sloe Gin? It tastes more berry-like to me, but it's the most cough-medicinish alcohol I can think of (other than cough medicine, of course).
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are *way* too sober right now

Ever had Jagermeister? Ever had Vicks Formula 44? Ever seen the two of them in the same place at the same time?

Tracie


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What robot are you?
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2001 01:18:21 +1100

Richard Fitzpatrick schrieb:
>Fierce Cookie wrote:
>>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>> Gordol wrote ...
>>>>Right up there with James Earl Jones as the voice of Darth Vader.
>>> Or as Muphasa, for that matter.
>>I speck you could cast James Earl Jones as the voice for just about any male hero, villain, or father figure, and it would work.
>s/male hero, villain, or father figure,/character/
>But I'm probably biased.

I'm trying to imagine how certain films would have turned out if JEJ had been cast instead of, oh, July Garland, Audrey Hepburn, Julie Andrews, etc.

Screwtape,
...o/~ The hills are alive... because I'm singing at their natural resonant frequency... o/~


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What robot are you?
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2001 23:31:18 +1100

GW De Lacey schrieb:
>GW De Lacey
>Whose liver and white English springer spaniel has a penknife in her heart,

I bet you never visited *that* vet again.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What robot are you?
From: Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com>
Date: Mon, 26 Nov 2001 05:56:40 -0600

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Cici in Texas schrieb:
>> st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>>>>When was your sister born?
>>>The Year of Big Brother.
>>Really? What month?
>Decembre.

Ah. The local Little Sister arrived in March of that same year.

>>>Screwtape,
>>>...hey, looky there! Irony!
>>Ashley, I think that's just a lit'ry allusion, but ICBW.
>Oh, sure, it *is* a literary allusion, but I thought it was ironic that in the year of Big Brother, my Little Sister was born.

So in the year of Big Brother, you became a . . . oh, my. I see what you mean.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Money maker
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2001 03:12:43 GMT

A group of monkeys who's shoes stick to the floor claiming to be dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com> said:
>>A group of 23 monkeys claiming to be Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have never masturbated with soda
>>Don't ask how I found this (well, ok I was looking at the Yahoo! Travel, Spring Break page, and well, one link lead to another.)
>s/li/ki/
>>http://dir.yahoo.com/Society_and_Culture/Sexuality/Activities_and_Practices/Masturbation/
>My my...not a single mention of dolphins or Keds.

You didn't look closely enough then.

Keds Masturbation Manual - article that deals with using the rubber soles to masturbate.

>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't want to know what you get when a Cracker Jacks

A surprisingly chewy piece of gum that tastes a bit odd.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Money maker
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2001 05:37:16 GMT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't want to know what you get when a Cracker Jacks

Corn pops? Pea nuts?

-- D. "Looking for a sailor suit and a dog..." W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Too much time to think...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2001 23:02:44 +1100

GW De Lacey schrieb:
>If I were a great soloist. and I played a finely engraved antique American saxophone, would I be a Conn artist?

If you were a Greek skydiver, would you be Con Descending?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2001 08:34:05 -0700

Screwtape said this:
>Donald Welsh schrieb:
>>-- D. "It would be nice to have democracy in the 21st century." W.
><offtopic political rant>
>I've been thinking about systems of government recently.

Oh, goody. I haven't had a chance to air out my mind since that disastrous episode with the fifty metric tons of whipped cream.


Erm ... don't ask.

>Democracy sucks,

I don't think that's politically correct. You have to say "blows inward" now.

>because in a country as large as mine (let alone China, or even America) the democratically elected leaders don't really represent, and aren't really accountable to the people.

Hence my idea for a randomly-selected Senate/Congress/President. Much like jury duty, but with much longer leaves of absence. Not too much longer; say, you get to be a Senator for a week or two (or three, but no longer than a month), then you can go back to your regularly scheduled life. If you screw up, you can expect retaliation from the populace when you get back to work the next day.

Oh, and let's get rid of the idea that these guys can approve their own raises. The person who thought that one up was both immensely clever and mind-boggingly idiotic.

>They therefore act in their own self-interest except during the lead-up to an election, when they do lots of showy, crowd-pleasing moves.

When I run the world, I'm going to shoot anyone that doesn't fulfill their campaign promises. Not fatally; just in the leg or the arm or something. Eventually all the real slimeballs with either wise up or get out of the way, at which point the more-or-less honest candidates can step forward to take power.

Of course, this is completely contradictory with the "Lottery of Government" system above. I can't decide which one I like better: being able to shoot politicians, or trading out the entire government every month.

>Given that the average punter

Did I miss something? How did the topic change from politics to football?

>knows less about politics and running a country than even *I* do,

That doesn't seem to stop these same folks for running for office, though. My guess is that any average Joe could run a country quite adequately for a short period of time. Most of it seems to be delegation and deciding whether or not to blow up other countries.

>crowd-pleasing is probably more damaging to the country than self-interest is.

But only just.

>Communism sucks,

ITYM "takes a long, deep breath but doesn't stop"

>as has been pointed out often and anon, because the transition to Communism involves a period of totalitarian rule, and those who have absolute power never want to give it up.

Well, that, and the fact that Communists take a perfectly good idea (socialism) and then figure out the worst possible way to ruin it.

I have a great idea on how an actual socialist country would operate, but I would need about five million volunteers, seventy-three thousand of the fastest computers available, and a spare planet with breathable air.

Or I could just take over the world. Sadly, initiating a socialist government would mean I would have to step down as Dictator-for-life for the good of my own plan.

Curses! Foiled again!

>A despotism has the greatest potential for good, and the greatest potential for abuse.

Or is that the other way around? I can never remember...

>Monarchies are in much the same boat as despotisms, I expect, except that it's terribly easy to throw a kingdom into chaos with a well-placed assassination or two.

Only if there's no established heir to the throne -- or if you take out the heir in the same fell swoop. Even then, the overall structure of the government stays pretty much the same, France notwithstanding.

>To summarise the summary, who can rule if nobody who wants to can be allowed to?

See my second comment, above. Er, third comment. Second if you ignore the bit about the whipped cream.

>To summarise the summary of the summary, people are a problem.

Well, yes; but during that short bout when dogs ran the world, things weren't that much better. Dinosaurs were even worse; they pissed off an interstellar object, and that's generally not a wise move in most circles.

></rant>
>
>Screwtape,
>...who'd like to be a concientious voter, but is having difficulty.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who would like to be a conscious voter, but I don't wake up in time.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2001 21:10:08 -0500

Comrade Screwtape wrote:
> Donald Welsh schrieb:
> >-- D. "It would be nice to have democracy in the 21st century." W.
> <offtopic political rant>
> I've been thinking about systems of government recently.
[snip]
> To summarise the summary, who can rule if nobody who wants to can be allowed to?
> To summarise the summary of the summary, people are a problem.

Which leads to my fundamental political idea: all political ideas are stupid.

JIM, once you accept that, voting gets much easier


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Sun, 25 Nov 2001 02:25:35 -0000

Jim Evans wrote:
>Comrade Robot Karate Man wrote:
>> Cici wrote wrote:
>> > Any of them in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, perchance?
>> Hadn't planned on it... but why not? It'll be right after I hit Montreal.
> Montreal, you say. That's awfully close to Oddwa.

And even closer to Dallas!!!!!!!!!12!!!.

Yeesh. I haven't even set a date yet and I've got like 400 people to visit. This is going to be like "Cannonball," where the drivers take everything *but* the most direct route.

>> I Greyhounded through Pittsburgh on my way to Philly one year.
> s/a/e/, shirley.

Hmm... I wasn't wearing a trenchcoat at the time, but I did hear voices in my head.


From: Hetta <hetta.saunalahti.fi>
> And even closer to Dallas!!!!!!!!!12!!!.

And not too far away from Helsinki, either. If you do the northern route, in winter, I'm sure you can drive.

From: Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Through Greenland, I'm sure. Ok, this is rapidly moving beyond a "Cannonball Run" kind of road trip into bad 80's teen party flick territory.

"Hey, have a nice nap?"

"Yeah. Where are we?"

"I dunno. The sign back there said 'Helsinki.'"

"'Helsinki'?"

"Yeah, I think that's in Idaho."

"Rad. As long as I get to New York in 48 hours so I can keep my mom from discovering that I accidentally beheaded Grandpa."

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S HELSINKI VACATION

Starring Lukas Haas, Gedde Watanabe and Fisher Stevens
With Jami Gertz as "Jamie," Lea Thompson as "Hetta," and John Larroquette as "Pekka Korpijaakko"

From: Hetta <hetta.saunalahti.fi>
> Through Greenland, I'm sure.
Actually, you're not very likely to find iced-over seas if you do the Grönland route. You're best bet is the north pole. Just think of the newsbits:

The First Car to drive across the North Pole -
TWICE!

Steve-o arrived safely back in New York yesterday,
after having crossed the north pole twice in his
chevy truck. Asked why he would undertake such a
feat, he said 'Well, you know, I was visiting
friends, and one thing led to another. I was quite
surprised that the water in the English Channel
isn't iced over in winter, but fortunately, they've
built a tunnel under it, so I could still drive there.
There could have been more fast food stops on the
route, though. I mean, there was not a single place
from Anchorage all the way to Ivalo! That's several
thousand _miles_! I ate the first moose I saw, both
on the way there and on the way back.
By the way, do you know if it's safe to drive from
Patagonia to Australia in June? I thought I'd take
the week off and visit my friends down unda, then.'"

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
[RHOD road-trip!]

%%
Movin' right along in search of real folks from NetNews,
From dot-coms and .edu's,
This could become a habit.

Yeah--procrastination rocks, so let's stop this e-gab bit,
Your real work? Alt-tab it.
Ya! Buy a drink--pay cash or tab it.

Movin' right along: Hetta, JIM, Chris, TimC
Ken, Sid, TA, Gordol, Screwtape, Piece, Rich, Steve-o, Jelly.

Movin' right along! [doog-a-doon, doog-a-doon]
We'll see who blows his load
Anybody need to crap?--Here's a cooler from RHOD.

Movin' right along with all our minds in the gutter,
With hot tubs of butter--
Is your crotch feeling wetter?

Dunkin' Donuts--here we come! This one's margin'ly better.
Viki'll *smooch* if you let her,
Hey!--Who brought the blow-up Irish Setter?

Movin' right along. Hey, TA, where's Ken gone?
Send someone to felch us while we're talking to Don.

Movin' right along [doog-a-doon, doog-a-doon]
You know it, you're the best
And may you have access always to splendid breasts.

[spoken] Hey--look up ahead!

[Paul, Otis, Julsey, Kirsten, Dave, Ian, Tim, and Ross file off a prison bus and begin shoveling dirt into cup-cake pans]

Who are they?

Maybe we should give them some actual cake.

I dunno...

[pulls along side]

[to Warden Kinsler] Hey there. What are you all doing?

[SK] We've got a small business selling the world's most delicious cakes!

Ah...hmmm, good luck!

[drives off]

Movin' right along we're even weirder than ever,
We cascade together.
Would you like to play at Questions?

Haiku-ed zinc, and every kink, and an unexplained web-link,
And acronyms that make you think,
Yeah think is right...what's with these Digestions?

Movin' right along--do I see signs of SNIKES?
No...that's just what you see after a Black Helicopter strikes.

Movin' right along we'll meet real RHODents.
We'll have ourselves a grand time--so come all you ladies and gents.

Movin' right along!
Movin' right along!
[repeat, fade into drunken slurs]
%%

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies miss Jim Henson


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Tue, 27 Nov 2001 05:48:04 GMT

A group of monkeys with incorrect change for the toll claiming to be Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> wrote:
>Cici in Texas wrote:
>> Forgot to ask, from which coast are you starting? I'm quite serious about you emailing me if you're going to be in the area.
>Here's the route as it currently stands (feel free to 'ooh' and 'ahh' at the audacity): I'll be leaving AK, driving down to British Columbia to visit a few friends. From there it's into Washington to visit some family who live just a spit north of Seattle. Then down to San Fran to visit some friends down there. Then over to Reno for some fun. Then to Roswell for some more fun. Then off to the Grand Canyon (cause I didn't get to see it last time). Then up and over to Chicago to visit more friends. Then into Montreal to shop, visit friends, and make fun of the Canadiens. Then over to Niagra (cause I ain't never seen it), down through NYC and out to Levittown.
>I'm planning on doing it in four days.

Ok, just for giggles, let me pump those into my handy dandy little map tripper hoo-ya. Let's say you can drive from 8am to midnight with 15 minute stops every six hours or so...

La-ti-da.. calculate, calculate

Right, 8797.3 miles (10 days, 30 minutes)

Well, that just gives you no time whatsoever. Well, let's simply things and double the allowable speeds you can do on the various roads; 130mph Major highways, 75 on access roads. Pretty much in-line with the way that most of us drive anyway.

(5 days, 32 minutes)

Still going to be a bit tight. Granted it'll be easier visiting friends, you can wave to them from the news helicopter as it follows the case.

Still not quite four days though. Let's go straight to "Blues Brothers"...

(190 interstate, 150 limited access highways)

Oh, hang on, You need to stop at the Grand Canyon before you stop at Roswell. Otherwise you're backtracking.

Ok, 8052.9 miles (4 days, 4 hours, 35 minutes) and if your lucky only four or five consecutive life sentences.

Let me know when you're approaching town. (mostly because if I wait for the sonic boom, I'll probably miss you)

>>>I Greyhounded through Pittsburgh on my way to Philly one year. And that's pretty much all I have to say about that.
>> Because your mummy taught you that gentlemen don't talk that way?
>Well, mostly because Greyhounding tends to make one groggy and irritable.

Well, that just goes without saying. PuppyBoying is a little better, but it hurts your eyes after a while.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2001 00:24:41 +1100

pieceoftheuniverse schrieb:
>[12] Which reminds me of when I used to smoke, and had to quit, and so I bought a pack of cigarettes and let it sit there, still wrapped in cellophane, that I would look at for a good long while, imagine taking a puff, reach for, and then say "No" in a definitive voice. This was, of course, before the patch, and besides that, I was all of seventeen. But it worked. Thank goodness the same cure doesn't work for other things, like sex or USENET.

I imagine if you tried to keep a cellophane-wrapped nubile female within sight at all times, circumstances would concatenate to the extent that avoiding human contact was no longer a difficulty.

Screwtape,
...then all you'd have to avoid is padded walls.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy September 3000th
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 17 Nov 2001 16:17:46 -0500

Comrade Hetta wrote:
> Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
> > Do we have to wait for the News at 11 for the death of Usenet?
> Now you've done it, Malc. There's no posts at all after yours. NOW what? And it's all your fault!

Malcolm broke Usenet! Malcolm broke Usenet!

JIM, except in afda, of course, but they'd keep posting even if there was a world-wide blackout and they had to use rocks and twigs


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy September 3000th
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Sun, 25 Nov 2001 10:14:02 -0600

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> Also Sprach Jason Willoughby:
> > First year is freshman (or frosh, if the school has a particularly strong Women's Studies program), then sophomore, junior and senior. You go through the progression for the four years of high school, then again for college.
> How odd. Brits have five years of "High School", two of "College", then three to five years (depending on the course) of "University". Do Merkins skip two years of education?

No, or course not, it's just not formalized the same way. There's four years of high school, but the actual number of years in college is highly variable. The US collegiate apparatus requires the acquisition of a certain number of "hours" of study, which can be anywhere from 120 up to 937 (not including the Cultural Diversification credits, which have been added in in the past decade because it's been determined by a panel of highly qualified experts that the average American student, although able to correctly identify the region of origin for 95% of alcoholic beverages, have trouble finding these same regions on a map, and, indeed, have trouble finding the map, due, in no small part, to the basic inability of dorm residents to purchase toilet paper). Plus there's some confusion as to the titles after senior. Super senior is generally used for years five and six, then Scholarship Sponsor, followed by Professional Student, then Main New Football Field Donor. You can see that some of these are rather unwieldly.

From: TimC <tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au>
No idea whether you are serious here, but Football? That must be explaining the level of edumucation I see in yanks......
.
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Well, no. You can only have so many football stadiums. Then you have to be Head New Basketball Court Donor, or Chief New Baseball Diamond Donor, or something else. There's a whole hierarchy. I think the bottom rung is something like New Physics Lab Donor.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy September 3000th
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sun, 25 Nov 2001 10:23:49 -0600

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
} Also Sprach Jason Willoughby:
} > First year is freshman (or frosh, if the school has a particularly strong Women's Studies program), then sophomore, junior and senior. You go through the progression for the four years of high school, then again for college.
} How odd. Brits have five years of "High School", two of "College", then three to five years (depending on the course) of "University". Do Merkins skip two years of education?

After having had a job that involved facing the general public for ten wasted years of my life, I can verify that most of 'em skip all eight.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy September 3000th
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 26 Nov 2001 18:00:06 GMT

Patrick Shaughnessy <pshaughn.mediaone.net> said:
>"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
>> Patrick Shaughnessy <pshaughn.mediaone.net> said:
>> >- Noser the Fishless
>> What the bloody hell kind of summoning brought *this* one back from the lurking-but-presumed-drowned-in-a-horrible-Spot-a-Pot-accident?
>The Ritual of Desperately Trying to Do Something Other Than Grade the Homework of Computer Science Students who Don't Really Know English All That Well But Can Fake It Well Enough to Get Into College Somehow.

We've cooked (sorry) up a new improved grading system that might be of use, which we con^H^H^Haffectionately call the "S'mores Method". One sits down with the raw ingredients for s'mores and a {pack or matches, butane lighter, etc.}. You take each student's paper in turn, set it on fire and roast a marshmallow. Then build and eat a s'more, and assign a grade based on the s'more quality. An undercooked marshmallow is indicative of a student failing to include enough information in the essay, thus having not enough pages to create enough heat. A student who puts in too much information will create a fire so big that the marshmallow burns. Note that this method is superior to those involving actually reading the assignments in that you don't have to worry about sloppy handwriting, confusing grammar, or your sobriety, and that you also get to eat s'mores. In keeping with all good grading schemes, this one also allows students to bribe their way to a higher grade merely by turning in high-quality chocolate with their assignments.

HTH,

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if some clever student would just turn in a lump of coal



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