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2001 11 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Digest #1234
From: pieceoftheuniverse
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 16:55:59 -0700

It's times like this, when the Oracle comes back after a long vacation and the digest is filled with ... with ... well, with whatever happens to fall at hand, that I have to consider my own efforts towards the whole (or hole, as it may be). How many times have I incarnated? How often have I supplicated? And (this is the part that hurts) were any of those better than what's offered in the digest?

And then I judge the digest -- not as it relates to me and what I've done, but as if it were alone in the universe, as if it were enclosed in a vacuum.

Because, well, the digest sucks.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who think applying relativity to an Oracularity digest is like applying quantum mechanics to the lottery -- it might work, but it'll taste a bit odd.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hallowe'en is LAME LAME LAME
From: Julianna Avedon
Date: Thu, 01 Nov 2001 13:10:57 -0800

Jim Evans wrote:
>Comrade Julianna Avedon wrote:
>> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>> >Actually, I had a friend in high school ("hi Amy!") who dated a Ringling Bros. clown for a while. We never tired of the "she's dating some clown" jokes.
>> >dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are easily amused
>> I had a friend in high school named Destiny. We never got tired of saying "he's got a date with Destiny."
>I really think we should set Destiny up with the clown.

Sure. Think how he could introduce himself at parties: "Hi, I'm Hal, Destiny's clown."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hallowe'en is LAME LAME LAME
From: Screwtape
Date: Sat, 3 Nov 2001 17:38:35 +1100

Jim Evans schrieb:
>Comrade Screwtape wrote:
>> Sid schrieb:
>> >Fierce Cookie wrote:
>> >> I don't know what the problem is, but about 20% of the kids who have shown up at my doorstep this evening to beg for me to dole out tooth-rotting confections have been in costume, while the rest have been cleverly disguised as...THEMSELVES. Kids today. Pfaugh.
>> >And that doesn't scare you?
>> >Sid, probably the scariest halloween costume ever
>> Sid, I think you must have put my pants on this morning, because you obviously seem to think you're me.
>How'd Sid get into your pants, anyway?

He didn't give his right name.

Screwtape,
...he LIED to me through SONG! I *hate* it when people do that.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos
Date: Sat, 03 Nov 2001 07:17:57 GMT

Also Sprach Cici in Texas:
> OTE? *Whoosh!*

'Ope That 'Elps.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos
Date: Thu, 01 Nov 2001 18:17:56 GMT

Also Sprach Cici in Texas:
> TINO,D!

ITYM "REC.TINO.D"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2001 21:26:09 -0000

Cici in Texas wrote:
> I'm not sure that I myself understand the precise difference between a plant and a 'vegetable product' (or, as my traitorous left hand had it last time, a 'vegetgable product'), but Webster seems to feel there's a difference.

It's like comparing cheese to American "cheese". One is just cheese. The other is processed cheese-style food product (or so the label assures me). One is made from milk and enzymes and such, while the other is made from petroleum refinery byproducts, gelatine, and leftover school-bus paint.

Following this line of reasoning, the difference between a plant and a vegetable is just moving from general to specific. The difference between a plant and a "vegetable product" is probably best left unexplored.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2001 23:12:57 -0000

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Cici in Texas said:
>>I'm not sure that I myself understand the precise difference between a plant and a 'vegetable product' (or, as my traitorous left hand had it last time, a 'vegetgable product'), but Webster seems to feel there's a difference.
> According to Webster, grass is a vegetable while cow manure is a spice.

Of course by that reasoning, hamburgers are vegetable products too. Which opens up a wide range of new dietary options for vegetarians.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
Date: Mon, 05 Nov 2001 20:53:04 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> writes:
> Jim Evans said this on the eve of tomorrow:
> >Comrade pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> >> Damn. Are you sure? 'Cause I've lost my keys, and that's the only place I haven't looked.
> >> --
> >> pieceoftheuniverse - oh -here- they are; in the dictionary, right where I left them.
> >Between "herring" and "marmalade", right?
> No, that'd be silly.
> I just took them out of the illustration for "key."

  |\
   ______+/___________________________
   |_|___L_____L______________________
   |_|__/L_____L/L____________________
   |_|_L_L_*___L/_____________________
   |_|_\_L_/__________________________  | */

Funny, my car won't start with this one. Can I borrow yours?

Jim
--
Warning: amateur ASCII above.

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Wouldn't matter anyway...you can't drive with a flat.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies would take a tonic fifth

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 01 Nov 2001 00:12:54 -0600

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
>Also Sprach Screwtape:
>> Let me get this straight: they say "a hospital", "a hotel", "a hose", but "an herb"?
>Please wait a hour before giving me a honest opinion on whether being a heir might be a honour.
>The Merkins are still wrong about "herb" though.

Not in Merka, it's not wrong. Just as 'orthopedic' and 'melena' are correct in the US, but incorrect in the UK. In the US, 'orthopaedic' is incorrect. See? It says so right here in Dorland's Illustrated Medical Dictionary (holding dictionary up to screen).

When in Rome, you gotta shoot Roman candles.

From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
When in Texas do we get to shoot Texans? When in Rome...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The great sucking sound
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 03 Nov 2001 00:11:27 -0500

Comrade Ingot wrote:
> I post occasionally to alt.homebrewing too, so if you don't mind, I'll just draw myself a nice IPA.
> *sip* Ahh.
> Draw yourself one!

Err... the brass fixture on the DMP statue *isn't* a beer tap.

And that's *not* IPA.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The great sucking sound
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sun, 04 Nov 2001 10:48:19 -0500

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Jason said:
>>"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
>>> What could it be?
>>> Do you feel a draft?
>>> Could it be a hurricane, flattening the misc.consumers.house and tossing about uk.rec.cars as if they were rec.toys.cars?
>>> What could suck so hard that it can cause one to feel a physical wind blowing leaves and debris into my monitor as a read an electronic medium?
>>> #1234.
>>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies hate Hoover digests
>>It almost makes you wonder how bad everything else was, that these got picked. Unless...maybe...you don't think it might be a conspiracy by the priests, do you? That maybe they said to each other, "Hey, the rhodites been raggin' on our senses of humor again. Let's show 'em some of the crap we get."
> I'm still not convinced that was a real digest. It was a pattern-number digest, came out on Halloween, suckitude on a level not seen since the stuff I usually get in response to my own tellmes. Was this another D1K/Apr01-esque thing, Kinzler?
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are concerned that he's starting to sound like LucFrench

To my knowledge, there was no planned sucky digest. If it was planned as such, they excluded the best-looking and smartest priest from the conspiracy.

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
No, they didn't.
Ian the ambiguous.
.
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
If you or any of your Oracular Priesthood are killed, captured, or mocked, Fierce Cookie will disavow all knowledge of your activities. Good luck.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The great sucking sound
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 5 Nov 2001 13:42:14 +1100

Ian Davis schrieb:
>Don't confuse the Digest with the conspiracy. Remember #000...

That's almost as catchy as "Remember the Alamo..."

I like it.

Screwtape,
...who might just get his sister to make him a "I survived Digest #000 and all I got was this stupid T-shirt" pair of trousers.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The great sucking sound
From: drs2n.virginia.invalid (David Sewell)
Date: 8 Nov 2001 16:50:03 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>Don't confuse the Digest with the conspiracy. Remember #000...

Digest -456. Now *there* was a digest.

Ian, how long has it been since we sniped at each other in public? I kind of miss those days.

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Trust you to ask such a mindless question, you stupid prick.
Ah.
Too long, obviously [1].
Whatever happened to Warren, anyway (456-07)? Clearly an aborted TOIJ.
Ian.
[1] TW*S*S
.
From: drs2n.virginia.invalid (David Sewell)
>Whatever happened to Warren, anyway (456-07)? Clearly an aborted TOIJ.

Ian, you addled Antipodean, a "-" sign in front of a number means you count the other way from 0 in both hemispheres, however bathtub drains may behave. I wrote "Digest -456". Of course that was well before your time, the days of the negative digests; -456 dated from late '84, I think, when Steve was a high-school student running the Oracle via FidoNet on his Sanyo MS-DOS clone PC.

And here y'all are up to, what, #1235? Ah, but when -1235 came out... 10-year-old Kinzler communicating with the Priesthood via an ingenious system of tin-can telephones strung from tree to tree (no small feat in North Dakota)... the first appearance of the non-null question... back when Oracle Priests were demigods and o++++ in your Geek Code (version -2.1) really meant something...

>[1] TW*S*S

Your arcane rhodite in-terms merely confuse me. Like the aging Jonathan Swift, I look at the productions of my misspent youth as a humorist and exclaim, "Gad, what a genius had I then!" My sense of humor is flown. Blame it on relocation to central Virginia, where the dervish of Thomas Jefferson's humorless genius lingers as a vortex that sucks all the good-for-nothing comedy out of the local populace.

No, sadly, I have not a single shred of humor left, not the barest tag of wit or faintest understanding of a joke. Would that I were a TOIJ; old, grey, bereft of sense, I behold myself a TOOJ, a true /dev/null among men, sans office, sans competence.

In short, as I realize to my horror and loathing, I have every qualification required to return to active Priesthood.

In fear and trembling,

DS
.

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Dave, you vapid Virginian, I'm in the Southern Hemisphere - negatives are positive here. I'm positive about that.
.
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
No you're not.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The great sucking sound
From: drs2n.virginia.invalid (David Sewell)
Date: 9 Nov 2001 16:11:27 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com> wrote:
>drs2n.virginia.invalid (David Sewell) wrote:
>Welcome back, O mighty Scholar-about-the-Oracle who has been MIA long enough for even Commander Harm Wossname to have forgotten. Did we have the nice warm, fragrant rhod-spa when last you were here?

Spa? Don't know if that would be the term... would the area under Niagara Falls about 200 yards beyond the farthest point the Maid of the Mist reaches count as a spa? All I know is that trying to keep up with r.h.o.d. made several 14.4K modems explode.

DS

From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Pfah. So you think rhod pouring out of a DSL connection like raw sewage blasting from a fire hose is a good thing? Trust me, the slower you get this stuff, the better.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The great sucking sound
From: drs2n.virginia.invalid (David Sewell)
Date: 10 Nov 2001 15:43:30 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
>Richard is referring to the tasty^Wrefreshing hot marinade^Wbath we traditionally offer to tenderize^Wwelcome new victims^Wmembers to the table^Wgroup.

Yes, well, "new," harrumph, faugh. Considering that I was the proximate cause of the very first .d newsgroup on Usenet, there wouldn't even BE a r.h.o.d. without me.[1] Of course if you're ungrateful enough to want to fit a dinosaur into a hot tub, you're welcome to try.

DS

[1] Or there would be one, but to borrow a sci-fi time-travel conceit, it might be called r.h.o.c., for in its parallel universe the first meta-group was given a "c" for "conversation".

From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
I imagine that caused some problems when people started trying to compile the froup and run it. Talk about your malicious software... rho.c would compile into some sort of artificial pseudo-intelligence that would regularly send e-mail to a small group of people, in repeated futile attempts to make witty observations about various things.

Waitasec...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The great sucking sound
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001 14:15:55 -0500

Comrade Jason wrote:
> GW De Lacey wrote:
> > I mean, just because one Aussie has erm... eccentric tendencies, it doesn't automatically follow that all Aussies share this trait. There *are* normal Aussies, you know. Why, take the Aussie members of this froup for example - all as normal as can be...
> > Well at least TimC is...
> > Erm... I mean Dwelsh^WScrewtape^WSara M^H^H^W...
> > --
> > ^H^H^HGW De Lacey. Ian^W..
> At least you're within a degree of magnitude of rhodnormal.
> If that helps.

Or, rather, he's within a standard deviation of the standard deviation.

JIM, and then there's Microsoft, the deviant standard


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The great sucking sound
From: Barry O'Neill <friend.public.com>
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2001 12:11:49 -0000

Richard Fitzpatrick says:
> My evil twin said something in rec.humor.oracle.d, to which I reply:
> Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy and Sneezy. While I didn't have to look it up, the backwoods cousins Sleazy and Gropey nearly got in.

You sure? I thought they were Surly, Depressed, Breasty, Squicky, Mathy, Fishie and Oog. Or are they our law firm?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.games.lucas-arts.monkey-island
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2001 08:30:01 -0700

TimC said:
<snip everything remotely relevant>
>[3]This is why the web is called the web: http://hyperphysics.phy-astr.gsu.edu/hbase/quacon.html

That's not a real map of the web.

There's not a single reference to porn.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - defining life by the absence of naked women.

From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Lesson to take away here: Physics == Absence of Naked Women

From: Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Hot Damn! I should be getting my Nobel Prize any day now!
.
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Ah, so by thinking of naked women, does that make one a theoretical physicist?
.
From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
No, no. You have to *not* think of naked women; only then will you be theoretically physical.
.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Only if they're not there.
.
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
No, that makes one an actual physicist. To be a theoretical one, you must only think about how you would think about them, but not actually think about them. Additionally, the way you think about thinking about them must have absolutely not one single shred of relation to how it would actually happen in the real world.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies can't solve the problem with more than one body
.
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
So I guess in a pinch, you could just read some Heinlein?
.
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Technically this is not quite correct. The theoretical physicist is simultaneously (if you'll forgive the sloppy terminology) both thinking and not thinking of naked women, until he thinks to think about whether he is thinking of them. At that point, the brainwaves collapse, as predicted by the Defino Principle. If this is repeated an infinite number of times, as it usually is, then equal numbers of thinking/not-thinking events will be measured. Unfortunately, the very state of being a physicist removes the possibility of actual (as opposed to contemplated) naked women, as first postulated above, QED.

Interestingly, at an event horizon (for example, over next to the fence at the barbeque), spontaneous formation of paired womon/anti-womon particles can sometimes occur. The antiwomon particles are lost within the event horizon giving the impression of spontaneous production of womon. However, in my experience, they tend to annihilate any nearby physicists, releasing morons.

These observations can all be predicted using the Lozenge equations and General Irritability.

Ian.
.

From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Is this going to be on the midterm?
JIM, because I've only studied up to Fornicate Transforms...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Google
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2001 18:21:38 GMT

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>> Donald Welsh said:
>> ; Don't know the specifics, but I'd like to point out that Carla and Dave both delurked as followups to my posts. So, apparently, I'm pretty good oldbie bait.
>> If you become someone else, does that make it a bait and switch?
>And if he gets really good at it, does that make him a mast*OW OW OW*

What were you saying before you got beaten off?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: What's with the .d?
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sat, 03 Nov 2001 08:27:23 GMT

Henriette Kress wrote:
>Hetta (Our rooster died the other week. Now there's no chance for a naturally new one; they'll have to buy one, I guess. Oh well, he _was_ old.)

It's messages like this that make you realize that there are gaps in the range of cards made by major greeting card companies.

Then again, I guess there's not much call for "Condolences on the loss of your cock".

-- D. "Sorry to hear that. You must miss him." W.

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
I hope that soon your sorrow'll've abated
Over the fact that you've been castrated.

It's those rare times--say, January through December--
That you really, honestly, truely miss your member.

I'm sorry to hear about the recent loss of your toy.
But now you've got two hands free to flip through _Playboy_.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Something smelly
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 01 Nov 2001 10:48:41 GMT

Robot Karate Man wrote:
> Henriette Kress wrote:
>It's time for another episode of "Out of Context Adventures!"
>> Actually, game -should- be well-hung

Right, then, who's game?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Money maker
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 01 Nov 2001 15:35:59 GMT

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>Donald Welsh said:
>} Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>}>Donald Welsh said:
>}>>GW De Lacey wrote:
>}>>> 'Julianna Avedon' wrote:
>}>>>>I don't suppose you'd be willing to offer the same rate on that collection of old National Geographic magazines in my father's garage?
>}>>>Mmmm... old National Geographics?
>}>>>GW De Lacey... any Life Magazines?
>}>>Silly GW.
>}>>-- D. "Fancy a RHODite having a Life." W.
>}>Nonono--that's why there's a magazine.
>}>Do you ever plan on visiting African tribesmen?
>}Haven't yet, but then again, none have invited me to tea.
>Why would non-colonized peoples invite you over for a British-imperial custom?

Who knows? Perhaps they read RHOD. On second thought, if the natives read RHOD and invite me for a barbecue, I should consider declining.

>}>No--that's why you read National Geographic.
>}It keeps me well-informed of wildlife and tribal customs.
>And the natives' boobies. Must never forget the boobies.

Ah yes, breasts. Knowledge of native wildlife helps with biology and ecology; knowing about tribal customs helps with anthropology and sociology. I haven't yet figured out how to get academic credit for keeping abreast of developments in the mammary field.

But yes, the discovery, as amply documented by National Geographic, that many women in different parts of the world have breasts (and that women in hot regions wear less clothing) must surely rank as one of the great scientific discoveries of all time. [0] Film at eleven. [1]

>}>Have a dozen models given you a private showing of their new bikinis?
>}So, the next time I'm surrounded by nude women, I should ask them to put something on?
>No, save that for the second time that happens.

Damn. Another missed opportunity.

>}>No, but you can see it in Sports Illustrated every year.
>}Pity the Swimwear Illustrated annual sports issue doesn't sell as well.
>It would if they were playing volleyball.

So, Victoria's Secret should do an annual volleyball issue? [2]

>}>And don't even get me started about Playboy.
>}Yeah, all the smooth whiskey, fine cigars and fast cars that I don't need and will never have.
>And all kinds of boring articles.

There are articles in Playboy? I must have been distracted by the ads!

>}>Hence a RHODent's need for Life magazine.
>}I had a life once, but now it won't even call me on my birthday.
>Restraining order?

Tried restraint once, but it dug a hole under the fence and got away.

>}>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies live vicariously
>}That's what they tell you, but they're only pretending.
>}-- D. "When in doubt, virtualize." W.
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies live virtuously

But not by choice, eh?


[0] Along with the discovery, documented in e.g. Porky's, that women shower nude.
[1] We can only hope.
[2] Note that the Bristol Rovers Ladies Football Club is following the example of the Matildas. Yay, Bristol Cities!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Money maker
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 1 Nov 2001 17:06:56 +0000

Donald Welsh writes
>There are articles in Playboy? I must have been distracted by the ads!

Way back when (okay, it was the 70s), when I did my information science MSc, I was taught that the Library of Congress kept Braille editions of Playboy. I assumed the Braille bit was restricted to the articles (which would presumably make blind people the only segment of the population that actually read them), though who knows?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*--Damn, I need both hands to read the centrefold!--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Money maker
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 14 Nov 2001 16:07:17 GMT

davehinz.spamcop.net <davehinz.spamcop.net> said:
>Jim Evans wrote:
>> "Some of it is from Italy and goes back to the earliest days of filmmaking — there's one that I'm guessing is from 1910 or 1915 because it's very jerky," says the professor. "Oh, I guess I shouldn't use that word."
>> That's beautiful.
>Indeed; did you find an .mpg of it somewhere? Has anything changed in 90 years? (well, aside from the actresses being a whole lot less attractive today).
>Dave "I mean, *those specific actresses*, not actresses in general..." Hinz

It's that whole "get laid" vs. "get laid to rest" thing, innit?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are concerned that the relevant limerick actually involves a person named Dave


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Money maker
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 14 Nov 2001 23:13:49 GMT

davehinz.spamcop.net <davehinz.spamcop.net> said:
>Hmm? I don't know that one, but would like to.

No, I don't think you do. But I'll tell you anyway.

>Dave "There once was a..." Hinz

...young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
She was slimy as shit
And missing one tit,
But think of the money he saved.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies hope he doesn't post this message


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2001 23:19:55 -0000

Jellyroll Papadopoulos (Never_Read.email.com) wrote:
> Also Sprach Monty Burns:
>> piston/wankel-rotor/whatever.
> <snigger>
> He said "whatever".

I've heard of wankel rotor, but I've never done it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Tue, 13 Nov 2001 17:42:31 -0000

TimC (tcon...) wrote:
>>>Plutonium is derived from wood?!
> Absolutely - throw one lump of wood up against another lump of anti-wood both with velocities of 1-delta, delta = 1e-10, get lots of gluons come out - a couple of them stick to your hand, but some of them go off and reproduce and make some plutonium. You mean you didn't know that? I thought everybody knew about quantum-woodo-dynamics. Good to be of service, anyway.

You don't "throw" the pieces of wood. You _chuck_ them.

This is why woodchucks do not, in fact, chuck wood. They can't get radiation suits in their size. The phrase "...if a woodchuck could chuck wood" does not refer to any physical ability to pick up chunks of wood and throw them. Rather it refers to the fact that insufficient shielding makes this chucking a suicidal act for woodchucks.

If they _did_ have rad suits, then they could chuck wood. How much? Well, historical evidence suggests that they wouldn't need to chuck much, if any. The _threat_ of such actions has almost always proved sufficient, which is why most nations with nuclear weapons have never actually used them. Woodchucks would probably become the latest nuclear-capable organization in the world, but would not necessarily resort to chucking.

From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Of course you realize that this observation will undoubtedly cause a Strategic Wood Defense Initiative that will cost the country billions, and years of research, eventually resulting in the erecting of a six foot chicken wire fence along the coast.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2001 11:36:57 GMT

TimC wrote:
>Donald Welsh wrote:
>> Cici in Texas wrote:
>>> Viki wrote:
>>>>Viki, and would someone make us a round of rum and cokes?
>>>Make that two rounds.
>> Two rum and cokes, coming up!
>Please please please don't mention alch*hic*ol.
>Especially not Long Island Iced Tea.
>> -- D. "Sure you ladies wouldn't prefer Hurricanes?" W.
>Again, I think they mostly prefer multiple screaming orgasms on the beach.

Oh, they do, but they sometimes like a drink afterward.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 13 Nov 2001 09:19:28 +1100

Richard Fitzpatrick schrieb:
>Q: What famous actor/singer sounds like a fart-in-the-bath?
>A: Edward Woodward![2]

I always heard it as the following chain:

Q: What do you call a guy with a piece of wood on his head?
A: Edward.

Q: What do you call a guy with *three* pieces of wood on his head?
A: Edward Woodward.

Q: What do you call a guy with *four* pieces of wood on his head?
A: I don't know, but Edward Woodward would.

Screwtape,
...you figure out how to pronounce it to get the puns.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2001 02:15:29 GMT

Robot Karate Man wrote:
> Jim Evans wrote:
>> So are you saying Pauline is now Prime Minister? Forgive my ignorance, but CBC Radio has been too obsessed by the incompetence of Canada's airlines to notice other countries lately...
>Incompetence? Is that like, arriving at the wrong countries?

That wouldn't be so bad if only your luggage arrived at the same wrong country.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 13 Nov 2001 10:04:16 +1100

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
> >>So are you saying Pauline is now Prime Minister?
> >No, her party got trashed.
> Yeah, dude--like, we *totally* messed up that place.
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder who puked in their tuba

Australian politics, in a nutshell.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 7 Nov 2001 00:21:53 +1100

Jason Willoughby schrieb:
>Fierce Cookie wrote:
>> if one of us ever runs for public office, I think that individual DESERVES to be expunged from BoRHOD.
>Come on, you know you want to see DMP as governor of Texas.

Wouldn't that just increase his chances of being made President?

Screwtape,
...who prefers, upon meeting a VIP, to shake *hands*.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Legal Question
From: Barry O'Neill <friend.public.com>
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2001 01:02:36 -0000

fitzmor.webone.com.au says...
> Barry O'Neill wrote ...
> >http://www.monkeys.com/wpoison/
> Heh. Welcome back, Bazza.

A recent check of the log entries revealed some enterprising soul from wannadoo.fr getting stuck in that thar danged tarpit for nearly two hours, sucking up fake addresses as fast a perl could generate 'em. Laugh? I nearly shat.

> I'm wondering what they're going to do when they archive something that is later found to be illegal, perhaps even in another jurisdiction from themselves. Turn Crown witness?

I'm wondering what their take would be on someone mirroring their site for archive purposes...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: #1235-07
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Mon, 05 Nov 2001 21:17:35 -0500

Ken Adams wrote:
> "Otis Viles" <drey.speakeasy.org> wrote:
>> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>> >Well, spotted Dan. Should we tell the Kinster or FC?
>> Already reported to Steve and the Priests.
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> Didn't they used to open for Pant-Pant-Pant?

I think we can apply the "don't ask, don't tell" policy here.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Why not capture Bin Lauden, sex change him and then send him back?
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sun, 04 Nov 2001 10:15:11 -0500

PetY attempted to infuriate me by saying:
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why not capture Bin Lauden, sex change him and then send him back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Better yet, turn his beard into a merkin. That'll learn him. You owe the Oracle a question with "help" in the subject line.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Digest #1230 - scores? [was Re: The great sucking sound]
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2001 17:17:16 -0700

Richard Fitzpatrick said:
>Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote:
>> I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God.
>> -- B. Hathrume Duk
>I hope Hathrume also saw a gastro-surgeon. Eating a can of Coke (with or without the Sweet Tarts) can't be good for you.

Aluminum containers aside, Coke is a wondrous beverage. You can strip paint with it, clean pipes, dissolve coins, and kill insects. It's also handy for removing rust, putting out fires, and, if you're very, very careful, drinking.

Eating Sweet Tarts with Coke is a lot like drinking Pepsi, but without all the unnecessary bother of opening a cardboard package.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who hasn't taken so much as a sip of a carbonated beverage for nineteen days and counting...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Digest #1230 - scores? [was Re: The great sucking sound]
From: drey.speakeasy.org (Otis Viles)
Date: Mon, 05 Nov 2001 23:01:55 GMT

Henriette Kress wrote:
>No, what _I_ want to know, is how is THIS possible:

>               # of
>digest  votes  votes
>1225.0  4epja 72
>1225.1  cmja8 71
>1225.2  88jmf 72
>1225.3  5dpib 72
>1225.4  2atkb 72
>1225.5  7ioi5 72
>1225.6  9hqh3 72
>1225.7  68jqd 72
>1225.8  3avcg 72
>1225.9  ddjed 72
Someone probably submitted a vote file like "x   x x x   x x x x x".

I imagine that if no vote is present, one doesn't get counted.

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Now *that's* the kind of words of wisdom I like to hear.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if any fortune-cookie companies are hiring

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Dang...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Wed, 07 Nov 2001 05:09:06 GMT

I just got the rejection letter. My application to become a professional bratwurst wrestler got turned down.

Well, there goes that childhood dream.

From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Well no wonder. You're supposed to put the bratwurst in the *front* of your pants.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Disappointed, but not surprised...
From: Barry O'Neill <friend.public.com>
Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001 11:40:38 -0000

fitzmor.webone.com.au says...
> >------Transcript of session follows -------
> >abuse.email.msn.com
> >The intended recipient's mailbox is full.
> Perhaps it's full of spam?

More likely it's full of crap. Everything else from M$ is, so they've made it the corporate standard.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lame ass.stupid, no life, loser Comedy? Click here... [1/2]
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2001 22:02:10 +1100

Daniel E. Macks schrieb:
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have had enough potted meat product for today, thanks

I just realised that "potted meat" is a very disturbing concept, if it behaves or works analogously to "potted plants".

Screwtape,
...who much prefers his food to have a face.

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Perhaps it just means the animals stay in one place. Consider that there was some company around here advertising "free-range lettuce" a few months ago.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Too much time to think...
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.locall.aunz.com>
Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2001 00:24:45 +1100

If I were a great soloist. and I played a finely engraved antique American saxophone, would I be a Conn artist?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The great sucking sound
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 13 Nov 2001 23:05:53 GMT

Hetta <hetta.saunalahti.fi> said:
>dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>> Jim Evans wrote:
><BIG snip>
>> >on Hollow Weenie.
>> Oh, cool, you have a tube running through yours too?
>Wait wait. Aren't they ALL hollow?
>Hetta (IIRC that's the urethra.)

I thought that was the woman who sang "Respect".

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies sock it to me



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