Jump to Navigation

We've moved! The new address is http://www.henriettes-herb.com - update your links and bookmarks!

2001 10 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: penis enlargement is possible
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2001 08:28:19 +1100

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
> It's often puzzled me why posting to usenet makes people slur their speech. I grew up an eloquent and well trained speaker, but since being exposed to the vagrancies of the Internet, I have begun habitually using phrases like "nobbut" and "'s true" and "'zackly" and "summat" and "'twas" and so forth.

Defino.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: penis enlargement is possible
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2001 20:58:45 GMT

Also Sprach Screwtape:
> >It's "ages-old" from the days of the Spam Cancel Moratorium. In those days RHOD was a much less rude place.
> A moratorium against the cancellation of spam? What a bizzare concept - why would anyone ever *not* want to cancel spam?

Ah, you're so young, so naive. Way back in the dim and distant past of the last century (April 1998, to be precise), the CancelBots were making such a good job of cancelling the spam that some ISPs got lazy and stopped smiting the perpetrators with clubs wrapped in razor-wire. To show the ISPs that they were, almost without exception, lazy gobshites, the nice folks at nanau turned off their CancelBots. Within milliseconds the whole of Usenet had become a cesspit of MLM, EMP, ECP and other things about as welcome as genital herpes.

<http://www.sputum.com/cns/origmoratorium.html>
<http://www.sputum.com/cns/moratorium.html>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oracle Related Query: Tim Taylor
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2001 04:50:52 GMT

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>>Who invented the lawn?
>IDK. ITIATO.

Well, If I remember correctly, the classical concept of "the lawn" or an area of well maintained grassland was originally developed in early Europe. At first this patch was kept more as a paddock to feed sheep and other grazing animals, but eventually it became more of a show piece for nobility, and culminated in the 14th century in Britain with the creation of an anonymous individual who's job it was to oversee the area and keep it well tended.

This, of course was known as the original Lawn Rang... NO CARRIER


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oracle Related Query: Tim Taylor
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 22 Oct 2001 00:28:53 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> said:
> TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com> wrote:
>>A group of monkeys with whip burns claiming to be st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>>>Cheating on your lover so you can sleep with your spouse? That's a bit underhanded, isn't it?
>>Well, it's not as bad as cheating on both of them so you can sleep with your lawn-care items.
>Someone, somewhere, must be talking to his left hand, saying, "I'm not the kind of guy who usually does this, but my right hand just doesn't *understand* me."

You finally found him, and already you're cheating on Mr. Right?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies blew a wad on that date


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oracle Related Query: Tim Taylor
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 04:46:41 GMT

A group of monkeys who've apparently staged a walk-out claiming to be Cici in Texas wrote:
>An infinite number of monkeys posting as dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:

Oh, now I see...

First I wind up with reduced monkeys, now I find out that the small group I've got left are moonlighting in Texas.

Well, fine. *sniff*sniff*

be that way. *sniff*sniff*

I gave those monkeys three of the best years of my life, and this, THIS is how they repay me?

Do you heartless little bastards have any idea just how much of your poop I've had to scrape off the walls? Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up first thing in the morning and step on a banana peel and skid 'til you slam face first into the shower? No, of course not. It's all 'the internet bubble's burst, we're packin for Bio-tech and wireless.'

Fine, when I met you you were dancing at the end of a leash in a stupid little red suit, and look where you are now. Dancing on a leash in a little Armani suit.

G'won then. Pack up the BMW and head to sunnier climes, I'll just sit here in the cold dark warehouse surrounded by typewriters.


*sniff*

*bwah-haw-haw-haw*


eh?

Bobo? Don't you want to go with your little turncoat friends?

You'd rather stay here?

With me?

And, you too Chim-Chim? Bimbo? Zooty? Mr. Shines? Even you Senator Hatch?

You're willing to give up Cici's home cooking?

Ok, well maybe part of the time?

Why, you all are so sweet! This, this is the happiest day of my...


Raise?

You stinky little bastards want a WHAT!?!?!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 06:29:20 GMT

Also Sprach Ian Davis:
> > Or maybe we could just have a game of poker.
> "Have a"? I 'ardly <THWAP!>

I believe the Merkins would call that a "curve ball".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 00:28:16 +1000

Viki schrieb:
>Jason wrote:
>>Jim Evans wrote:
>>> Comrade Blarstrangewen wrote:
>>> > RHOD has a hot tub?
>>> Yup. Filled with butter.
>>I've been thinking, why not fondue?
>Indeed. Why don't several of us fondle JIM.

Because he's been unwillingly celibate for nigh on thirty-seven years now, and we don't want to spoil his run.


From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
That's right, darn it. I've been celibate since ten years before my birth.


From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
In fairness, though, nearly everyone is celibate before they're born, so this doesn't reflect badly on you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 06:10:30 GMT

Also Sprach Ian Davis:
> Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
> > Also Sprach Richard Fitzpatrick:
> > > > Ian Davis wrote:
> > > >> Ken Adams wrote:
> > > >> > How does Bohr feel about having some of his most significant work reduced to being memorized, regurgitated, and forgotten?
> > > >> Bohred to death, I imagine.
> > > >Nils carborundum illegitimi.
> > > That's a-Pauling.
> > I heard his headmaster suspended him from school.
> That would be that headmaster who was rather indecisive about students of Teutonic origin, wouldn't it?

<The Heisenberg uncertainty principle>

Depends on how you look at it, dunnit? I heard he was arrested under Coulomb's law, but he wasn't charged.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2001 21:43:23 +1000

Cici in Texas wrote ...
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>Cici in Texas wrote:
>>>But it's okay. Ian 'splained the references, and once I had the references, I did get the jokes. Very reassuring, that was.
>>Drat the boy. He'll be explaining Priest humour and how to get digested next.
<snip>
>And even if he *did* explain Priest humour and how to get digested, I wouldn't get it anyway. Besides, he wouldn't explain that sort of thing to non-Priests. He just . . . he just WOULDN'T, that's all!

Hmmm, lessee... a medico who was computer-functional-enough DECADES ago to get into a refined geek-forum like the Usenet Oracle Priesthood and non-medical enough to know about the history of physics--

--AND YOU THINK THERE ARE THINGS HE WOULDN'T DO?

And don't let the fact that he might be a nice guy influence your decision.


From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
I'm putting this on my CV.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 27 Oct 2001 16:15:08 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> said:
>GW De Lacey wrote:
>> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>>>When we (humanity, that is) first started out, we burned wood to warm up. Then we graduated to steam -- which still needed wood to burn, because otherwise the water wouldn't get hot enough to turn the little wheels in our machines. Then we started burning other things to heat the water: coal, gas, atoms and, in a pinch, wood.
>>Most of which are wood or derived from wood.
>Plutonium is derived from wood?!

Sure...ain't you ever never seed a bridge built out of it?

>Geez, this makes me completely rethink taking a walk in the mountains tomorrow. If I get too close to a forest I could emerge sterile.

Other way 'round, POTU. Everyone knows trees are made of wood, not plutonium. After they're cut down, some of them are converted into lumber, some into paper, and some into plutonium. Otherwise, all those squirrels that scamper around and around and around the trees would have mutated into bizarre forms (squirrel-nut-dance notwithstanding).

>>And don't forget the big wheels. Proud Mary would be very insulted if you forget about her, you know.
>Well, the little wheels turn the big wheels, which make the engine Go. By no means did I mean to demean Proud Mary.
>>>So, really, technology hasn't much advanced beyond steam engines, though we've found things that burn with much prettier colours.
>>You know, that's so true it's scary.
>I've been reminded (via e-mail by a lurker (I'm always a bit put off when that happens)) that the internal combustion engine is the one exception to this rule.

Waddabout fuel cells, lurker (not you, Praps)? Wood-esque material (hydrocarbons hold the carbon) becomes water with energy release, but no steam.

Or more importantly, what about if I'm smoking some weed deep in a coal mine, and the joint ignites some methane/coal-dust/canary-dung? The heat of the massive hydrocarbon fire causes me to ride my bicycle outa there as fast as possible, but there's no steam working fluid.

From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Sure there is. Encountering a massive hydrocarbon fire deep in a mine will cause you to instantly wet your pants. The heat of the fire will then boil the resulting liquid, and voila, steam in a place you probably don't want it.

>I pointed out that my car will boil the radiator water, but admitted that this usually makes the vehicle stop rather than continue on it's merry way.

But then if you take off the radiator cap, the force of the steam will shoot it up into the air and it'll land some distance from your car. And isn't a car just the evolutionary result of radiator caps trying to get around town?

>Of course, I don't know very much about cars; it's entirely possible that the lurker was pulling my leg. Anybody? Anybody? Beuller?
>--
>pieceoftheuniverse - one could say that for once the gasoline is taking the place of water, but my car always complains when I boil the fuel tank.

Nonono...you cook on the engine block. The fuel tank is where you store sugar so it can be near the banana in the exhaust pipe.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't get many repeat customers at their garage


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2001 15:59:04 GMT

A group of self powered monkeys claiming to be pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>So, really, technology hasn't much advanced beyond steam engines, though we've found things that burn with much prettier colours.

Well, it's not like anyone hasn't been trying.

I know that there were several attempts at gravity based power systems that worked surprisingly well for a while, but were rather costly. Particularly when it came to going into the crater and putting the bits back together again.

There were also some efforts made in the realm of bio-based power systems, however the opening to that darn "Conan: the Barbarian" movie really hurt the PR.

There are also efforts surrounding wind and wave power which do a reasonable job once you finish fishing out the surfers and hang gliders.

Sadly, we're not quite as creative a lot as you would assume. Sad fact is that we kind of stole the idea of burning stuff from that really big Bunsen burner we're orbiting.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Images
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 17 Oct 2001 15:35:15 +1100

TimC <tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au> wrote:
> It wont do any good when I have already finished the damn thing, although I could perhaps get an extension on my exams - instead of getting 2 hours for relativistic quantum dynamics, I could get 2 weeks. That ought to do it just fine.

I'm sorry to say that you are missing the point here. It is a trick question and you as a quantum physicist should have seen through it. Simply move the examiner close to an event horizon, then take as long as you want. Failure to do so means failure of the exam, obviously.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.games.lucas-arts.monkey-island
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 18 Oct 2001 19:56:42 GMT

Sagacious Euphemism <johnyaya.usa.nospamplease.net> said:
> Luke <luke.aglami.com> wrote:
>>Hah, then I win. Hand over your toast.
>Sorry, I have lately been too frightened by my toaster to actually use it to toast anything.

Fill it with popcorn kernels...that'll teach the bastard to behave.

Unless it's one of them Homer-Simpson-time-machine-toasters, in which case it would just go back in time and kick your ass a few minutes ago.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies can eat more poprocks, milligram for milligram, than any creature in the universe


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.games.lucas-arts.monkey-island
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 26 Oct 2001 14:46:10 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse said:
>Kimberly Chapman wrote:
>>-- Kimberly "how many others have had sex with a rhodite and actually want to admit it?" Chapman
>My right hand refuses to admit anything to me anymore.
>--
>pieceoftheuniverse - but it's currently helping me type, so there's still time for our relationship to get back on track.

So you're screwing your secretary?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies hate office romances


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.games.lucas-arts.monkey-island
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2001 19:17:56 GMT

Tamf Moo <gnutamf.oink.co.uk> wrote:
>arwen <blondestranger.aglami.com> wrote:
>>::declares that it was all sid's doing::
>crucify! cruciflicks!

Hmm, I don't know how I could do that. I mean, getting a cross with six arms that small and finding the little tiny nails to drive through the fly's feet, and of course, what do you do about the wings?


Oh, wait, sorry, just misread that.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 08:15:17 -0600

Screwtape said this:
><thinks>
>You know, TimC, sometimes I wonder if we went to different universities..

Why? Did you use to dress in drag to impress upon the other guys that girls can be smart, too?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.games.lucas-arts.monkey-island
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 20:44:36 +1000

Pixel "#~ schrieb:
>Earlier Kirk muttered:
>>If the book has elves, gnomes, dwarfs or giraffes, stay clear.
>Name me ONE book that has giraffes!

My First ABCs.

Heck, I read that *years* ago, but I still remember how it went.

Screwtape,
...A, B, C, D, E, F, G... uh.. damn.


From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (B1FF)
4BCD3F6H1JKLMN0PQR5TUVWXY2.

D00D!!!!!1!11!!!!!!

-B1FF


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 22:33:15 +1000

Richard Fitzpatrick schrieb:
>Sid wrote:
>>/me claims responsibility. Along with Screwtape.
>You can have him. His Mum left him here about five years ago, we've been waiting for someone to come along and pick him up.

I happen to know you're as male as I am, Sid, so you'd better remember to bring an awfully strong pick-up line if you wish to succeed.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2001 19:01:02 GMT

A group of monkeys with pipes claiming to be "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>Gris wrote:
>>"Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> writes:
>>> >And anyone got some wood?
>>> I refuse to respond to this obvious troll.
>>HA U RETART DONT U REALISE U RESPONDED U RETART
>Who opened this portal? Can I kill them now? I shall administer copious amounts of pain and anguish.
>I'm warning you, now.... *wags finger menacingly like all Moms do*

You kids listen to your mother. Don't make me turn this newsgroup around!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001 09:37:05 -0500

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> >-- D. "Why do women online feel compelled to tell their breast size?" W.
> Why do men feel compelled to eyeball the measurement?

It's more socially acceptable than our first instinct.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2001 13:14:36 +1000

Sagacious Euphemism schrieb:
> Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
>>TINO
>Oregano good.

I can see this being a canned response to Jellyroll Papadopoulos' "TINO", and eventually becoming an Animal Farm-esque "Oregano Good, No Oregano Bad", and finally "OGNOB". RHOD would be overrun with cascades between the warring factions, now that both sides' detailed arguments could be so succinctly summarised. In the future, there is only one war:

> > > > > TINO
> > > > OGNOB
> > > TINO
> > OGNOB
> TINO
GOSUB, er, sorry, OGNOB.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2001 19:29:02 +0100

Also Sprach TimC:
> >> You snubbing the austrailian dollar?
> > Depends on the exchange rate, I guess.
> Hmmm, common news in .au that our dollar keeps going like this:

>     \
>       \
>        \
>         \
>          \  /\
>     \/  \
>          \ |
>          _\|

> But you guys don't know about that?

Just be thankful you don't live in Turkey. Dial 123 on your phone there and you'll hear:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the third stroke the Sterling exchange rate sponsored by Turkiye Cumhuriyet Merkez Bankasi will be...2,316,246...beep...beep...beep...

At the third stroke the Sterling exchange rate sponsored by Turkiye Cumhuriyet Merkez Bankasi will be...2,316,858...beep...beep...beep.

At the third stroke the Sterling exchange rate sponsored by Turkiye Cumhuriyet Merkez Bankasi will be...2,317,392...beep...beep...beep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 11:54:38 -0600

davehinz.spamcop.net said this:
>pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>> Jim Menard said this:
>>>Call me a heathen (or a goyim), but I also like butter or peanut butter on toasted bagels.
>> Apple butter!
>OOOOoooooooo. Must try.

Indeed, you must.

Imagine that wondrous feeling you get after two hours of passionate sex.
Imagine that great all-over tingle from accomplishing something important.
Imagine that singular moment when you've won an argument and you're still glowing from the aftermath.
Imagine what it would feel like to win the lottery.

Apple butter tastes like none of those things.

But now, every time you eat some, you'll be reminded of this post. And frankly, isn't that enough?

--
pieceoftheuniverse - living vicariously through fruit products.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Joe Jobbed :-(
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 16:32:22 GMT

Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
> "Vigilante" <ballmy.lineone.net> wrote:
>>It would be difficult to see unless you shrunk down to my size and went in, anyway.
>Never underestimate the number of uses to which a laparoscope can be put.

Slide night at your place must be interesting.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Wed, 17 Oct 2001 03:16:37 -0000

Tom "Tom" Harrington:
>>>You'd also have to be willing to work long hours for a boss who makes ChaKa on "Land of the Lost" look like Marilyn Vos Savant, get paid in wampum, and work in an office the approximate size of the average 747 bathroom with five other people, 10 PCs and 4 video editing stations.
> I'm not familiar with "Land of the Lost", having finally suppressed all memories of that type of Saturday-morning TV show, so this doesn't worry me as much as it probably should.

Shame. One of the most brain-sticky theme songs in kids-show history. Oh, and dimetrodons that breathed fire. Oh yeah, and Larry Niven wrote an episode. So did Walter Koenig.

> As for cramming into the airplane toilet, well, are any of these people cute?

Define "cute"

Cute like Christina Aqualoogiemalaria is cute? No.
Cute like Alyssa Milano is cute? No.
Cute like Kate Blanchett is cute? No.
Cute like Rosie O'Donnell is cute? No.
Cute like Camryn Manheim is cute? No.
Cute like Eric McCormack is cute? No.
Cute like George Wendt is cute? Sure.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 08:14:55 +1000

Richard Fitzpatrick schrieb:
>And thus rhod comes full circle back to the threadlet about lawns and sex.

Take note, O Ye Detractors of RHOD, for we are not possessed of the one-track mind previously advertised. We are a noble and erudite people, capable of intelligent and discerning and deep discussion on a wide variety of topics, including lawns and sex, invisibility and sex, body-piercing and sex, oregano and sex[2], cannibalism and sex, and many more!

Screwtape,
...and when that gets boring we can talk about the Oracle.

[2] Yes, Malc, I know - but there are no dragons, bug-eyed aliens or supervillains with the power to turn daisies into sunflowers at will, either - yet we can still talk about *those*.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 09:39:10 +1100

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
> Could someone remember to invoke me next time there is important news, please?

My budgie died this morning.

Ian.


From: Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi>
Perhaps you shouldn't eat so many beans.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 18:03:59 +1100

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
> Also Sprach Ian Davis:
> > My budgie died this morning.
> Assuming it's not just resting, you have my deepest sympathy. Do I need to grep for "budgie" now?

Probably not necessary.

She was a pretty but particularly stupid bird, that was wont to eat her perch into oblivion while standing merrily on her cuttlefish. As a result she let her beak grow so long (on two occasions) that she almost impaled herself. She had a deep and unrequited love for the microwave, returning its beeps with passion and uncanny accuracy, although not quite as good as Alf (our previous bird, and there's a good story for another day and a cold beer) who did a mean impression of our phone ("Someone answer the bird, please.")

Dying is one thing. I am sorry for her passing and we will miss her. We held a short but moving funeral beneath the gum trees, where her larrikin lorikeet and rosella cousins live; there are worse places to spend eternity. But she made my girls cry when they found her face down on the bottom of the cage, and I haven't forgiven her for that yet. Love can be a cruel two-edged sword sometimes.

Maybe a cockatiel next time.

Ian, whose green/blue/yellow budgerigar Maggie has, milligram for milligram, carked it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.locall.aunz.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 21:52:24 +1000

Ian Davis wrote:
>Ian, whose green/blue/yellow budgerigar Maggie has, milligram for milligram, carked it.

Indeed, a sad moment.

A very long time ago (last century, in fact) my daughter's budgerigar turned into a green tree snake, or that's what I tried to tell her(1). It was a problem though, because she kept asking about the lump in the snake's tummy, and explanations related to budgerigar eggs that would later hatch into nice new birds fell on deaf ears.

I needn't have worried too much about the trauma and it's subsequent effect on the child's mental health, though.

We purchased a new bird, and it was much loved for many months. One day though, a child's voice called up the stairs:

'Hey dad, the bird's gone but the cat's fat.'


1. The snake was thin enough to get into the cage when it was hungry. It couldn't get out because of it's increased diameter after it had dined.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: "Barry O'Neill" <friend.public.com>
Date: Mon, 29 Oct 2001 10:14:42 +0000

"Gordol" <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> What +is+ the difference between a spice and a herb?

Controlling the universe or controlling the Tijuana Brass.

Barry


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 30 Oct 2001 22:05:31 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
> davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>> Dave "3 months in London - what an amazing beer & language experience" Hinz
> Here's your queer sandwich, as requested.

You'll have to chase me up a table & chairs first.

Dave "No, that is most decidedly not what I intended to ask for; thanks anyway..." Hinz


From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Wazzat--two sausages between the buns?
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to lick a taco belle


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 09:26:03 +1100

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
>Also Sprach Richard Fitzpatrick:
>> Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
>> >Also Sprach davehinz.spamcop.net:
>> >> So, in America you'd be "an'erbalist", while in England you'd be "a'nerbalist"?
>> >That's roit, Mary Poppins, you've 'it the 'Olloway Gaol roit on the Prostitute's Bed. <nail on the head>
>> Ahgerroutavit. S'a loaf, innit.
>> Trahn t'give me the raht threepenny bits, incha?
>Ooh, YES! Talk Cockney to me some more!

Give over. You'll be wantin' conser- confa- erm, discourse between Syd an' Sybil next. And you know my Cockney migrates, sentence by sentence, through the Home Counties and the demmed Midlands raht into t'dales of Lancashire and Yorks.

Not to mention my Welsh accent being indistinguishable from Mumbai bus conductor argot.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 16:51:04 +0000

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>Give over. You'll be wantin' conser- confa- erm, discourse between Syd an' Sybil next.

Bert (aka Syd): Corse, that Van Dyke lemon-squeezer woulder said lumper lead or Uncle Ned, steader prostitute's bed. Yer don' gerra lorra references ter bitser brarss nail in Disney, an' tha's a fack. <Lemon-squeezer = geezer = person / Lump of lead/Uncle Ned = head / Bit of brass nail = bit of tail = loose woman>
Mary Poppins (aka Sibyl): Why Bert, I do believe you sounded almost but not quite totally authentic for a moment there.

Bert: Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!
Keep jus' 'arf yer syllables
An' shaht them at full frottle
Call yer boss an iron 'oof, mate <Iron hoof = poof >
If yer got the bottle < Bottle = courage (etymology unknown, probably not rhyming slang)>
Supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
When I was jus' a sorcepan lid <Saucepan lid = kid = child>
(I tells yer no pork pies) < Pork pies (more usually porkies) = lies >
Me old pot sat me dahn an' gave <Old pot (and pan) = old man = father>
Me this 'ere lump of ice <Lump of ice = advice>
Remember there's a difference 'tween
Dear Eartha an' Brad Pitt <Eartha Kitts/Bristol (City)s = both refer to mammary glands>
Corse Eartha Kitts is Bristols but
Old Brad's an 'eap of shit <Brad Pitt = like the man says>
<(Actually, I cheated here - Eartha Kitts can also mean diarrhoea) (No offence was intended to Mr Pitt, of course)>
Oh, supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!
Drink yer Vera from the glarss <Vera (Lynn) = gin>
Or from the Haristotle <Aristotle = bottle>
If yer Brigham Young needs twistin' < Brigham Young = tongue>
'Ave no fear, this lot'll
Supercockneyrhymingnasalwhiningandstopsglottal!

Mary Poppins: That's quite enough, thank you, Bert. I appear to have exceeded my ethnicity threshold for today.

Bert: 'Ahzabout you 'n me then, we goes dahn the all-time loser fer a country cousin jarser diesel fitter an' gets gorillers in the mist? <All-time loser = boozer / Country cousin = dozen / Jars of diesel fitter = glasses of bitter / Gorillas in the mist = pissed = drunk>
Mary Poppins: You make it sound almost irresistible, but regrettably I have pressing commitments.

Bert: I was finkin' of prerssin' yer commitments afterwards, like.

Mary Poppins: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Donald. <Donald (Duck) = Good heavens, I'd never have expected such language from Ms Poppins.>
>Not to mention my Welsh accent being indistinguishable from Mumbai bus conductor argot.

You've got it about right then, boyo.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
---Whaddaya mean, that song makes you want to Wallace and Gromit?--

<Translation kindly provided by Mr.Wilson. Also see http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/links.htm>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001 19:15:19 GMT

Also Sprach Screwtape:
> Let me get this straight: they say "a hospital", "a hotel", "a hose", but "an herb"?

Please wait a hour before giving me a honest opinion on whether being a heir might be a honour.

The Merkins are still wrong about "herb" though.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2001 02:56:57 GMT

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
>Also Sprach Ian Davis:
>> Maybe a cockatiel next time.
>I must be tired. That's a punchline. I know there's a joke in there. I just can't see it.

Ask Viki.

-- D. "I think she's seen a cockatoo." W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 20:57:37 +1000

Gordol wrote:
> Sid said:
>; >See a pin and pick it up, and all day long you'll have a pin.
>; Unless you put it down.
>; In other news, I seem to be spitting blood.
>That can't be good. You didn't swallow the pin, did you?

Coulda been worse. He coulda swallowed the grenade.



Main menu 2