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2001 10 C

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 16:02:15 -0000

Jellyroll Papadopoulos (Never_Read.email.com) wrote:
> Also Sprach davehinz.spamcop.net:
>> 5. Has "endless september" ended yet?
> By definition, no.

As of right now:

% date
Wed Sep 2976 09:55:36 MDT 1993

OK, let's see, it's the 2976th of September. That means we have 7024 more days before we have to deal with the S10k problem, when the date rolls over to the 10,000th of September. Without updates, some systems will roll over to September the -9999th, 1993, and I'm not really sure what the effects of that would be, but it can't possibly be good. So, it's a bit more than 19 of what we used to call years back when months used to end before this (probable) catastrophe. I say we all slack off and let it go for a while.

On the other hand, there are only 24 more days until September the 3000th. We should have a party or something, to celebrate the next millennium of September days.

From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Not this again. The new mmiilleenniiuumm of September days doesn't start until the 3001'th day.
Dave "No, I'm not still annoyed by that, thank you very much" Hinz

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 09:29:49 -0600

davehinz.spamcop.net said this:
>Thanks. Due to general work-nutso'ness, I've been not Oraculating for, as I said, about 6 years.

If that was an attempt to get your sanity back, I'd have to say you've lost.

>I've been reading the digests catching up on the current "flavor" of the group.

We're sort of a mint apricot with a slight hint -- just to taste, mind, no more, no less -- of marine life. There are rumours going around that the marine life is infected, but you can't believe anything in Usenet.

>(What? Lurk a bit before posting? Who ever heard of *that*?)

No one I've ever seen.

>Looking at my archives (which I'm amazed I can find, all things considered),

Yes, well, that's what you get for using a singularity for storage. You can find everything you're looking for, but you'll never find your way out again.

>my earliest oracularity was 541.07 (answer, march 1993),

Not bad.

You've got to be one of the old-timers then, eh? You probably have fond memories of the Oracle being an omnipotent deity, shacking up with Lisa whenever he saw fit, and the Zot staff was his weapon of choice.

Well, things change. (See below)

>and I made the best-of in May of 1995 with 720-04 (answer), which doesn't seem anywhere near as funny as some of the other stuff I've seen that didn't even get digested.

Wait a minute. Aren't you one of those priest-type people? If you've seen stuff that's funny, then what sort of twisted mind process do you go through to select stuff for digestion?

No, don't even answer that. I'm better off not knowing.

>(digesticated? digestified? I dunno, I'm asking).

It's "digested," just so we can make NetHack jokes.

>Certainly wasn't as funny as 735-05 (answer), which I figured should've, but didn't.

Should have what? Gotten digested? But if it's in a digest...

You're trying to play with my brane again, aren't you?

>Looks like my last oracularity was 754.3 (answer), in July of 1995. Strangely enough, this correlates exactly with starting of building of my house, and a new job.

Oh, so you actually found the secret in getting supplicants to pay you? It took you long enough...

>So...I suppose that's why we don't remember each other then?

I certainly don't know you, but I only showed up a year or so ago. I barely know me enough to be able to introduce you, but I could probably fake my way through it.

>I'm sure there's a point to all of the above, but I can't for the life of me figure out what it is.

Isn't it obvious? It's all predator/raptor material.

>Anyway - I do have a couple of questions, if you don't mind.

Well, I'm sort of busy ... well, alright.

>1. What's the deal, these days, with Orrie and Lisa? Still a happening thing?
>2. Is Zadoc still lurking about?

Here's a lowdown:
Orrie's broken up with Lisa and got himself a harem -- it's small, with only three girls in it (Cassie, Pythia, and someone old enough to be his grandmother (which is saying a lot for a deity)), but it's a start -- Zadoc's been killed by a warring group of MIMEs, and Kendai's been appointed as Temporary Head Priest (no one really wants to know who's in charge of other parts of the body). The Anti-Oracle took over for a while (some think he's still in charge) and Kinzler had to revamp the site to please him. Oh, and the Zot staff has been used so many times that the battery's run clean out, and it turns out that no one makes double-D cells anymore, no matter how many questions Orrie answers about the Energizer bunny. And Og and Thag had a small "accident" (that's what the insurance report says), so you can call it/him/them Ohag.

>3. I assume that W??dch??ks are still as tedious as they were before?

You -have- been gone a long time! Marmots are the Oracle's friends, now. He has seventeen thousand as pets, and they pretty much have the run of the palace.

No, wait, that was the parallel universe I visited yesterday. Never mind.

>4. (there is no question number 4)

(there is no answer number 4, either. That was a lucky break)

>5. Has "endless september" ended yet?

As long as AOL exists, the Plains of the Endless September shall stretch ever onward.

I have plans to turn the entire AOL Corporation into a gigantic prawn, but I've run into a few small snags. Hopefully I'll get those cleared up by next year.

>Er, that's about it, I guess.

No it isn't.

>Dave "why *does* grandma make such lousy coffee, anyway?" Hinz


It's because she always test-tastes it first, and her teeth fall into the pot. Have grandpa make the coffee instead; he has a better grip on his dentures.

pieceoftheuniverse - all together now: "Ewwwwwwwww!"

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 19:53:46 +0100

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> writes
> http://www.molerat.demon.co.uk/zadoc9.htm contains the Plains of the Endless September saga. This page is part of Richard "Molerat" Wilson's collection of Zadocularities, http://www.unitedheroes.net/zadocularities/ , of which I can think of no better re-introduction to the Oracle after a long absence. Or even a short absence.

Thank you, JIM, for the link and the plug. I would have provided at least the former myself, except that would have meant filing a serious post and destroying my near-perfect recent BoRHOD record.

Which of course I have now done. All right then, forget all the above and pretend I really posted this to relate my daughter's battle of wills with a doctor's receptionist last week.

Molerette: Could I make an appointment to see the doctor, please?
Receptionist: You'd like to make an appointment. What's wrong with you?
Molerette: I'd rather not say. (The receptionist had a very loud voice, and she preferred not to have the entire waiting room alerted to the fact that she thought she had cystitis.)
Receptionist: (bellowing) She's rather not say! Well, how urgent is it then?
Molerette: On a scale of what?
Receptionist: Is it urgent enough to justify a visit to A&E?
Molerette: No. If it were, then I'd take it to A&E, wouldn't I? I wouldn't waste time seeing my GP first. Anything else you'd like to know?
Receptionist: (grudgingly) When do you want this appointment for?
Molerette: Tuesday afternoon if possible.
Receptionist: How about Thursday morning?
Molerette: That's no good - I've got a lecture then. Tuesday afternoon's most convenient, though I could manage Monday afternoon if you've got a free slot then.
Receptionist: Next opening I've got after Thursday morning is Friday afternoon.
Molerette: That's no good either.
Receptionist: Fussy, aren't you? Wellllll... I can do this afternoon, if you don't mind seeing one of the other doctors.
Molerette: I want Monday or Tuesday afternoon! Take it or leave it!
Receptionist: Tuesday afternoon it is. When would you like? I can do any time between two and five-thirty.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 05:55:54 GMT

Also Sprach Ian Davis:
> oregano

I am *not* predictable enough to respond to every mention of "oregano" with "TINO", OK?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got laid...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 23:49:24 -0400

Comrade Dave Hinz wrote:
> Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> > davehinz.spamcop.net said:
> > ; Dave "I'm sure nobody here remembers me" Hinz
> > Who are you?
> Who's asking?
> Dave "I've got cichlids, is that close enough for this crowd?" Hinz

Ahh! [leaps back] Is that contageous?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 19 Oct 2001 07:40:47 +1100

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> There's only enough peanut butter to cover the front part of my body.

For which we are very grateful. The image of you walking around with peanut butter smeared over your buttocks is Not Nice.

And remember, at the beach, the potato goes in the *front*.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad Month
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 12:20:48 +1100

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
> Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> said:
> >Unfortunately, there's no law against being stupid. The first thing I'll change, come the revolution.
> I think Darwin already enacted this exact legislation.

Yes, but it's in a territory not a state, so the federal government will probably override it as it did with the euthanasia legislation (although I agreed with that particular decision).

Sad to say, this law is not enforced there. I'm impressed you know so much about our local politics, though.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad Month
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 01:38:54 GMT

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
> >The question becomes, is the treatment worse than the condition being treated?
> Whose condition are you planning to treat?
> >Viki, and the answer is sometimes yes, sometimes no
> Kinda depends on the treatment chosen, no?
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder what treatment one would recommend for a male having a period

I'd recommend a tourniquet.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad Month
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 18 Oct 2001 21:43:22 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> said:
> "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>> I work solely in appeals
>We could have told you how appealing you are.

And she uses her appeal to help her clients get off?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if Scott Free is the happiest man in the world

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad Month
From: Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu>
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 00:14:40 -0400

Cici in Texas wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> >Richard Wilson said this :
> >>Silver wedding anniversary one year away, daughter starting third year at college and I'm still striving mightily, year by year, to achieve immaturity.
> >Posting to rhod must help out a lot.
> >>Fortunately, the big A should be arriving any time now to boost my efforts.
> >"The big A"?
> >You're not talking about arthritis, are you?
> No, he's talking about . . . Wossname Disease.

Old timer's?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad Month
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 26 Oct 2001 21:36:58 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> said:
>TimC said this :
>>pieceoftheuniverse (aka Bruce) wrote:
>>> And right there is my main point of contention on why I refuse to breed (you are all probably breathing a lot easier right about now. Bastards). I am of the sincere belief that no one with an IQ under 200 should ever be allowed to procreate -- they can have sex (I'm not a cruel man, just evil), they're just not allowed to reproduce.
>>> After all, if the theory of evolution is true, why not make it work in our favour?
>>Oh *sigh*. As much as I agree with you, darn it, why do all the smart people think this way, and all the dumb people just go ahead and populate anyway?! One place where Darwin was wrong, unfortunately.
>There's a simple solution to this: take off all the warning labels from all products, and kill all the lawyers.
>Then, when stupid people die from sticking forks into toasters, their families can't sue. The world population will be cut in half, if we're really lucky, and we can repopulate it with smart folks.

Until this plan gets set in motion, I'd be happy to help anyone practice for the last part.

When the revolution comes, there'll be two sets of people up against the wall...all screaming, all screwed, but there are those who shall contribute to the depopulation, those to the repopulation; those who are going, those who are coming. In which set do you want to be?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder when the next DNRC newsletter comes out

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad Month
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2001 16:30:21 +1000

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>TimC said this:
>>pieceoftheuniverse (aka Bruce) wrote:
>>> pieceoftheuniverse - "nerds" everywhere are applauding me right now. Listen: it's just like the sound of one keyboard clapping.
>>Hmmmm - sdfsdfuiuihsfdsfduisfdsdfujhshujdfuijhfsdjhdiufhdidfsifsisu.
>My keyboard claps like qwertyuiop[]\asdfghjkl;'zxcvbnm,./1234567890-=
>I would take yours to a doctor immediately.

I agree. It's just what we need - keyboards with the clap.

So now you *can* get STDs from cybersex. Drat, another avenue rooned!

Erm, if you were into that sort of thing, I mean.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti thinks qwerty should probably be sqwerty.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad Month
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2001 10:34:05 -0500

Viki wrote:
> Screwtape wrote in message ...
> >Viki schrieb:
> >>Viki, but if we're lucky they'll catch us on 'tape
> >I'm flattered, but I think the whole different-continents thing would prove a difficulty.
> >Screwtape,
> >...never been caught yet.
> Oh, then you are missing out on one of the great joys in life.
> I did not try to tell Mom that it wasn't me when she caught me, nor did I insult her intelligence claiming that it wasn't what she thought it was.
> Then again, I have a *really* nice Mom who wasn't too terribly upset.
> Should I catch any of MY children, I fear a different response entirely will be forthcoming.

Somehow I think that "Want a third?" just _might_ be the wrong thing to say.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back, finally...
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.locall.aunz.com>
Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2001 18:07:52 +1000

Cici in Texas wrote:
>And you'll be surprised at how quickly you'll catch up. It's something to do with the holographic nature of the froup, I've been told. Maybe somebody who understands holography better than I do (which would be almost anybody here) can 'splain it.

I use Colgates and brush twice a day. I never have a problem.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back, finally...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 2001 20:20:40 +1000

Daniel E. Macks schrieb:
>Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> said:
>>Yay! welcome back Chris and Freyja!
>And yay got-the-hell-out-of-new-jersey!

Got the hell out of New Jersey, eh? Damn this "whiter whites" rubbish, I want the stain-remover *Chris* uses.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rhodites in FLA?
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2001 02:47:20 -0000

Cici in Texas (cclovis.mindspring.com) wrote:
> If you're talking about *this* Texas, Ghod, no, it shouldn't. We've already got a Sea World and a Six Flags Over Texas and a Fiesta Texas and an Astroworld and I'm sure there are some I've forgotten. We are very nearly oversupplied with theme parks, and some of those roller coasters are not to be *believed*!

You forgot Aquarena Springs, home of Ralph the Swimming Pig. The TV commercials for that place used to make me wonder if someone had slipped LSD into my food. It turns out that they had not, although whether this is fortunate or not is still an open question.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rhodites in FLA?
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Sun, 28 Oct 2001 00:40:23 -0000

Cici in Texas (cclovis.mindspring.com) wrote:
> st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>>Cici in Texas schrieb:
>>> tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>>>>You forgot Aquarena Springs, home of Ralph the Swimming Pig.
>>>How could I have done such a thing? <sob>
>>Shirley all pigs can swim? Kangaroos and elephants can, so I can't see why pigs wouldn't be able to.

Ralph has a PR agency on his side. Plus, if Aquarena Springs could get a performing elephant to swim there, I'm sure they'd do it.

> I think the thing about Ralph is that he actually *dives* into the water. I haven't been to Aquarena Springs in person, so I can't say for sure.

Dives into the water, starts swimming, pauses long enough to pollute the water with pig shit, and then continues to the other side.

Although I understand that Ralph is retired these days...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rhodites in FLA?
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Mon, 29 Oct 2001 07:10:06 -0000

Screwtape (st.ferd2.thristian.org) wrote:
> Hmm.. I thought the name sounded familiar. Consulting my handy guide, "How To Be Texan", I find (under the heading "Weird Places") the following:
> Aquarena Springs, San Marcos: The springs and surrounding amenities are but a backdrop for the real attraction: Ralph the Swimming Pig. Not only can Ralph swim; Ralph can dive. Few men, however worldly, travelled and wise, can boast of having witnessed the wonder of a performing aqua-swine. A must for the curious. Don't forget to pick up a few dozen postcards.
> Among the other notable places listed are Port Arthur-Beaumont, Attwater Prairie Chicken Refuge (outside Eagle Lake), Enchanted Rock (north of Friedericksburg), Prairie Dog Town, the "Southwestern Exposition, Fat Stock Show, and Rodeo", and Barton Springs in Austin.

Barton Springs, Austin: Beautiful, huge, outdoor spring-fed swimming pool. The springs feed Barton Creek, which is then dammed to create the pool. The most distinctive feature, however, is the temperature, which is frankly the coldest goddamn water you're ever likely to encounter, and yes I'm including readers from great frozen northern regions such as Canada and Finland. I can only assume that the natural mineral content of the spring causes the water's freezing point to drop far, far below normal, because my lips were going blue within five minutes. Men who dare to enter this water have reported not seeing their genitalia for months afterward, and after immersing them in such icy depths some have been given to wonder if they have frozen solid and shattered while too numb to cause pain. This despite the fact that Austin in summer can easily top 100 degrees Fahrenheit (say, 38 C) every day for weeks...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rhodites in FLA?
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 27 Oct 2001 16:33:01 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> said:
>dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>>dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>>>pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>>>>[pigs can't swim]
>>>>So if you ever feel like a pork dinner but don't feel like cleaving your way through fresh pig, just drop the oinker in a full bathtub and let it drown.
>>>>If you're really creative (and/or a rhodite), fill the bathtub with butter.
>>>>pieceoftheuniverse - and oregano, of course.

Fuck--No Oregano? Reorder Dammit!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies won't look at it

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rhodites in FLA?
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Sun, 21 Oct 2001 19:00:58 GMT

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Gordol wrote ...
>>Richard Fitzpatrick said:
>>; Gordol wrote ...
>>; >Anyone here in Florida? Specifically Orlando or Daytona Beach areas? I'm going to be there next week.
>>; Try Frank Backitis. And ask him if/when he will grace us with another visit.
>>That name is vaguely familiar.
>He's an Oracle Priest of several (well, many) years standing. He was hanging out here for a while until sometime earlier this year.
>I'm sure groups.google will find him for you.
>Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti likes looking up addresses.

Hi, wow so I finally made it. The directions were a bit tricky and I overshot your exit a couple of times but other than that no problems, oh, here's a bottle of wine and I saw this at the airport. I know, I know, it's just a stuffed sheep, but I didn't think you wanted me to bring a live one, besides I don't think your neighbors would appreciate it very much. No let me get my bags, I take it my room is down this hall then? Wow, really nice place you have here. Very homey, speaking of your neighbors, very nice folks, I must have spent hours talking with them about you, Oh but out of curiosity, why DID you pick that last one for the digest?

Who are you?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lights please
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.locall.aunz.com>
Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2001 08:13:09 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
>Leaving your eminently suggestive "toilet role" for some worthier predator-raptor [2], I can't imagine what a soggy toilet roll would *do* in a microwave. Presumably a toilet roll provides the water with an ample quantity of nucleation points, but I can't comprehend how a toilet roll could boil, seethe, or bubble. Explode, perhaps..

Possibly the nastiest smoke bomb I've ever seen. Virtually un-put-outable too.

The fire brigade loved it.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Money maker
From: TimC <tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au>
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 18:35:51 +1000

Julianna Avedon (aka Bruce) wrote:
> GW De Lacey <georgew.locall.aunz.com> wrote:
>> Jeff Newman wrote:
>>--<SNIP>---------(144 lines of excellent instructions on how I can become rich beyond my wildest expectation)
>>Thank you very much for this advice Jeff, I truly appreciate the time and effort you obviously take to ensure that everyone can be as rich as you.
>>I have a bit of a problem though.I'm a lazy person, and I really couldn't be bothered doing the things you say I must do in order to become filthy rich.
>>Since you are obviously expert at collecting money, I'll pay you $20-00 per tonne of money (plus freight at cost) if you send me all the money you can collect on my behalf.
> I don't suppose you'd be willing to offer the same rate on that collection of old National Geographic magazines in my father's garage?

I don't know about that - what about the stash of Playboy's he has under them?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Money maker
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 25 Oct 2001 15:02:31 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> said:
> GW De Lacey <georgew.locall.aunz.com> wrote:
>> Julianna Avedon wrote:
>>>I don't suppose you'd be willing to offer the same rate on that collection of old National Geographic magazines in my father's garage?
>>Mmmm... old National Geographics?
>>GW De Lacey... any Life Magazines?
>Silly GW.
>-- D. "Fancy a RHODite having a Life." W.

Nonono--that's why there's a magazine.

Do you ever plan on visiting African tribesmen? No--that's why you read National Geographic. Have a dozen models give you a private showing of their new bikinis? No, but you can see it in Sports Illustrated every year. And don't even get me started about Playboy. Hence a RHODent's need for Life magazine.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies live vicariously

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help me, rhod-ey ones, you're my only hope...
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 30 Oct 2001 15:55:41 GMT

Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> said:
>I'm required by law to mention that the following came from Jim Evans:
>> I mean, if you haven't been offended by us yet, you'll be fine.
>So. Who's up for a game of "Beat the retards with prosthetic limbs" ?

That's no fair--attacking a bunch of unarmed folks like that.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will bite your kneecaps

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help me, rhod-ey ones, you're my only hope...
From: Barry O'Neill <friend.public.com>
Date: Sun, 28 Oct 2001 12:57:15 -0000

georgew.locall.aunz.com says...
> Barry O'Neill wrote:
> >Like its favourite chew toy. Life? Don't talk to me about life...
> I'm trying to get a truckload of magazines about it. Trouble is, the consensus seems to be that since I don't have one, I don't need any.

<THWAP> Be told.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: What's with the .d?
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001 07:51:19 +1100

Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
> Hetta (Our rooster died the other week. Now there's no chance for a naturally new one; they'll have to buy one, I guess. Oh well, he _was_ old.)

And his ghostly presence may be heard as the full moon rises, with an eldritch, "Cock-a-doodle-did..."

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: lucfrench.aol.com (LucFrench)
Date: 26 Oct 2001 01:16:59 GMT

Whose topic matter is not recreational
Which is not humorous
Which has nothing to do with the Oracle
And never actually discusses anything.

From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Yeah, but there's too much spam in alt.sex.

Luc "When's the next digest, anyway?" French

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Who is neither fortunate nor European, as far as I know.

From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
And why aren't you posting in French, anyway?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Google
From: Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 03:24:46 -0000

I sat and refreshed the main Google page for almost five minutes tonight and the "Searching 1,610,476,000 web pages" at the bottom never increased by so much as a single page.

Either Google hires the slowest spider-bots on the net or I need to get a life.

From: Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi>
C'mon. Obviously you caught them on their coffee break. Try again.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Birthdays and stuff
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001 18:57:04 -0700

Screwtape said this:
>Jim Evans schrieb:
>>Comrade Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>> Hey, I just asked what you all were thinking.
>>We were?
>OK, what those of us who can think were thinking.

IRTA "those of us who can think we're thinking."

pieceoftheuniverse - "I think I think, therefore I possibly are."

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Birthdays and stuff
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001 12:16:16 -0700

Sid said this :
>Sid, still has his entire GI Joe collection, all packed up and nowhere to go.

I -used- to have my entire GI Joe collection.

Then, about ... oh, say, five years ago or so ... I pulled out all my old boxes of junk^Wold toys and decided that it was about time that the fight over good and evil finished up once and for all. I took out my GI Joes, my Transformers, my GoBots, my Legos, my almost-but-not-quite complete collection of JLA Superheroes and villains, my sister's Barbie Collection, and a few minor projectile weapons (namely, a rubber band gun, a Nerf dart gun, and a hairspray/lighter combination unit -- not to mention a freezer for those cryogenic "accidents").

About the third hour in, things were getting rough. The side of Good were taking heavy losses; not only had Superman fallen early in the war, but Barbie had realized her true nature and had joined up with the Decepticons. Her size alone turned the tide of the war -- even the Autobot base (I forget his name now, and the Chronicles of this war have since been lost) was wiped out before her, despite his heavy weaponry.

In the end, good won out -- barely. Hawk (with his one remaining arm) and Lady Jay (now missing an eye), leading a covert assault team, took control of Galvatron's armament and laid waste to most of the Evil army. Seeing her comrades vaporize in front of her, Barbie conceded the battle, and most of her followers did the same. A few remnants attempted a final assault, but it was all too easily crushed by the now-enthused army of Good.

Unfortunately, at the celebration party (after the war crimes trial, in which all those accused perished in flames), things got a little rowdy, and someone -- I won't mention who -- spilled a quart of vodka in the general direction of the lighter. Very few survived the blast.

pieceoftheuniverse - ah, to be eighteen again.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hiya
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 16:26:50 +1100

Charles Kerr wrote:
>Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
>> Screwtape wrote:
>>> You might want google for "GNKSA" or "Good Net-Keeping Seal of Approval" or similar, and see how KNode is ranked. IIRC, Pan is the only Unix-based newsreader to get a 100% score.
>> Well IMHO, PAN sucks right now. There are some nice features, such as its ability to display (some) pictures as soon as they're downloaded, but the program doesn't seem complete at this point. The interface is quirky, and the help is unclear on configuration options.
>I have to agree with you that the help is unclear: the user manual hasn't been written yet! : )
>Pan 0.11.0 will be out tomorrow. Its changes over the version you saw are listed at http://pan.rebelbase.com/download/0.11.0/ANNOUNCE. If it's still not to your taste, that's fine: KNode, slrn, and gnus are all good newsreaders. But if you have a few minutes, please mail me some feedback about what in particular you didn't like about Pan, and what you would've liked to see instead, so that I can try to make future versions better.

Yikes. Even newsreader developers are grepping, it would seem.

Must be an absolute bastard grepping for "pan" - it's so, well, pandemic.

From: charles.rebelbase.com (Charles Kerr)
You're not kidding. I usually search for a second newsreader name, or for a common newsreading term like offline, otherwise it's impossible. Lots of false positives in the cooking & pagan newsgroups. -peter -oil

And since tin is another newsreader, 'tin pan alley' gets through a lot. : )

From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Richard Fitzpatrick said this :
>Yikes. Even newsreader developers are grepping, it would seem.

That's odd. The grep thread is over there -->

>Must be an absolute bastard grepping for "pan" - it's so, well, pandemic.

Speaking of pandemic, I was reviewing the latest pandect from the Feds, and it seems that they're pandering to pandits, which seems a bit odd to me. I think they're opening a Pandora's box here, no doubt baited with a pandowdy only to pandy us with a pane as soon as we come near. The critics are, of course, giving it panegyric accolades, but that's to be expected from panegyrists, anyway. Panels of judges (about a panful) are debating pangenesis and how it relates to a Panglossian worldview (and whether or not pangola grass should count as cannaibas, but that's another story altogether). Fortunately I've got the skin of a pangolin, which certianly helps when out panhandling (and, by the by, don't go to the Panhellenic to beg; they're virtually panhuman).

In other news, the panic over panicle panicum of the Panjabi have elected a panjandrum who supposedly has panleucopenia, which fits right in with the diagnosis of panmictic panmixia (and I wouldn't mind some panmixia in the right sort of crowd, even though I might have to wear a virtual panoply rather than a panne or pannier -- not that I'm a pansy, but I don't want to die and be placed in a pantechnicon).

panoftheuniverse - because of this post, you might call me a pantaloon.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Something smelly
From: Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 05:38:29 -0000

Henriette Kress wrote:

It's time for another episode of "Out of Context Adventures!"

> Actually, game -should- be well-hung

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Something smelly
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2001 22:26:59 -0500

Henriette Kress wrote:
> And when I have my windows open, during the day, I get these disgusting flies. You know, the ones that look for dead things. Yech. Lucky they're slow at this time of year (it being quite cold already), so I can slam them pretty easily, but I could really do without them.

If you mush them thin enough you can make paper from them. You know, fly paper. It's all the rage.

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