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2001 09 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Day of the Big Monitor
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 18 Sep 2001 17:16:25 -0600

Ian Davis wrote:
> Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
>> Thanks for the tip!
>...as the prostitute said to the leper.

...as the cow said to the frat boys.
--
pieceoftheuniverse - or, in the common tongue, "moo."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Day of the Big Monitor
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 21 Sep 2001 02:22:19 -0000

Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu) wrote:
> Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> said:
>>Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>>> Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>>>> Can't take a broadband connection in the car.
>>>That's what she said.
>>Actually she said "not in the tailpipe."
> Nah...that's the cdr.

I don't thee what it hath to do with recordable compact dithkth.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The devil is in the details
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Tue, 18 Sep 2001 20:30:45 -0000

Fierce Cookie (putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com) wrote:
> Very strange photo of smoke from the WTC. http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/terrorism/nation/0916image.html

Yeah, yeah. One week since the attack and already we've had:

  • Government conspiracy theories (people who see a missile in one of the WTC tapes, plus those who still think the PA plane was shot down).
  • Corporate conspiracy theories (gasoline for five bucks a gallon, just like in Europe)
  • Media conspiracy theories (CNN using old footage of celebrating Palestinians)
  • UFO involvement (people who see a freakin' spaceship in one of the WTC tapes, and I really wish I was making that one up)
  • Divine punishment (or maybe religious conspiracy theories), since Falwell apparently thinks the attacks were god punishing us for not being more like Falwell.
  • Divine punishment part II, satan's face in the smoke.
  • Proof that Nostradamus predicted the whole thing
  • Idiot numerology relating to the number 11 (e.g. date of attack was 9/11, and 9+1+1 = 11, 9/11 is the 254th day of the year, and 2+5+4 = 11, WTC looked like a giant 11, there are 11 letters in "New York City", "Afghanistan", and "The Pentagon", etc ad naus).
  • Guardian angels in real life (the guy who apparently fell from the 82nd floor or something like that and lived).

If I see much more of this I'm going to have to conclude that the whole thing was a scheme by the "Weekly World News" to increase their sales. Especially since the alleged satan-face looks an awful lot like WWN's perennial favorite, the Bat Boy.

I'll have to look at the Subgenius web site, because someone will probably do a version of this with J.R. "Bob" Dobbs' face in the smoke, taste be damned.

In the meantime there hasn't been a whole lot of comment on the fact that we almost certainly don't have the whole story, and that media coverage has a long history of turning out, after the fact, to have been heavily colored by government propaganda (see the Gulf war for a major example). But so many people seem preoccupied finding bizarre and incredible secret forces at work that they don't seem to notice the real ones most likely in action right now.

Oh, someone tell me, where the hell is Elvis? Because you know he's going to be brought into it sooner or later.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The devil is in the details
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Thu, 20 Sep 2001 22:58:16 -0000

Bugrrit (Igor.stenchorama.cm) wrote:
> "Stimpy" scribbled:
>> Robot Karate Man wrote...
>> > Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
>> > > If I see much more of this I'm going to have to conclude that the whole thing was a scheme by the "Weekly World News" to increase their sales.
>> > You forgot the Wingdings "Death to Arabs."
>> And the Webdings one as well.
> Hi People, back to the scene..
> You forgot Q33 NY in wingdings (apparently one of the flight numbers) and of

I saw that today, and it's got to be the dumbest one yet. I mean, this is even dumber than the numerology (misspelled or otherwise). Mainly because that's _not_ one of the flight numbers, and even people not paying much attention would surely have noticed that the flight numbers are just numbers, not letters. This amounts to picking a symbol font, messing with it until you get something you could pretend is relevant, and then trying to attach some meaning to the keys that you'd press to get it. And then, realizing that there is no possible meaning, picking a random piece of information and just lying about the connection. Or in other words, making shit up that _so_ obvious my dog would see through it. This one could easily be disproved in under 30 seconds with any newspaper in the world, or any news web site, or almost any TV station, and probably a zillion other ways too. I wish people thinking up this kind of thing would at least be creative. Maybe there could be a coverup of the fact that one of the planes had traced out "Q33NY" in the sky before reaching its target, or something. No, wait, but then why a Microsoft font, aside from the fact that people blame them for everything? OK, a second coverup about all the terrorists employed at MS sending each other coded messages through font design. Add a call for people to demand new laws regulating computer fonts, and you're set. That's still a stupid story, but it's marginally less stupid and with work could at least be funny.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Happy New Year!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 17 Sep 2001 18:35:06 GMT

To all RHODents great and small; animal, vegetable, or mineral; lurkers, spodders, cascaders, Priests, and imports from other froups and/or planets; best wishes for a happy, healthy new year.

dan, and the brSffs


From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Hmmm...

% date
Mon Sep 2939 16:40:27 MDT 1993

Nope, it's still September 1993 around here.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy New Year!
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 18 Sep 2001 22:30:12 -0400

El Gordollo wrote:
> Jim Evans said:
> ; And the same to you and the fishies. What year is it, again?
> 5762.

<Uncle Ian>
Of course, it'll be another month yet before I stop writing 5761 on all my checks.
</Uncle Ian>

JIM, whose lunar calendar is, millisecond for millisecond, the least Gregorian on the planet


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy New Year!
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2001 12:19:29 -0600

Ben Fisher wrote:
>I took a fish head out to see a movie.

Geez, I hope it wasn't _Jaws_.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - I don't like my dinner to get any ideas.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy New Year!
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Thu, 20 Sep 2001 04:58:42 GMT

Also Sprach Carla Miriam Levy:
> for example, chicken is considered "meat" even though there's no danger of boiling a chicken in its mothers' milk. Indeed, the whole milk/meat separation thing is a fence around the Torah's very specific injunction against boiling a kid in its mother's milk, which was presumably a ritual practice of some other cult at the time.

For years I've imagined the conversations around the camp-fires in the Wilderness. 40 years is a long time. For Moses it must have seemed a *very* long time...

Moses:
OK, like, listen up guys. God says that it's really cruel to boil a kid in its mother's milk, so don't do it, K?

One Of Moses's People and God's Chosen (possibly with a Welsh accent):
How do we know if it's its mother? I got lots of goats, and they all look the same to me. At least, they do from the front.

[Hoots of laughter and derision]

Moses:
Fair point, brother. No, stop tittering you lot. Titter ye not! Brother Hugh has raised a valid point and, while I'm obviously not Our Lord, I do have certain negotiation rights during this transition period from slavery to full PL/MH citizenship. Therefore, in deference to Brother Hugh's failing eyesight - Oy! I said no tittering! - I am empowered to interpret this particular requirement to mean that no kid shall be boiled in any goat's milk /in case/ it was its mother's.

Another One of M's P & G's C:
What about lambs?

Moses:
Huh? "Don't boil a lamb in goat's milk"? Why not?

AOoM'sP&G'sC:
No, what about boiling a lamb in ewe's milk?

Hugh:
No, Iestyn, I already told you, mine's goat's milk.

Iestyn:
Not you, Hugh, ewe!

Hugh:
OIC

Moses:
When you two have quite finished...

[Hugh and Iestyn shuffle uncomfortably]

Moses:
Right, brother Iestyn has raised a valid point. For the avoidance of doubt, and in a spirit of equal opportunity for young even-toed ruminant ungulates, thou shalt not boil a kid in goat's milk, nor a lamb in ewe's.

Hugh:
I already told y...

Moses:
Shut up, Hugh.

Hugh:
Sorry.

Yet AOoM'sP&G'sC:
Do we have to not boil it?

Moses:
Sorry, Brother Dai, you lost me.

Dai:
Do we have to not boil the lamb? Only, I don't like boiled lamb. Goes tough and loses all its flavour the way my wife does it. I'd rather not have mine oven-baked, if it's all the same to you.

Moses:
Well, Brother Dai, your Bronwyn's cooking is famous throughout the Wilderness...

[Howls of derisive laughter]

Moses:
...but are you telling me that she bakes lamb with ewe's milk?

Dai:
No, but she uses garlic butter, and that's made from milk, isn't it?

[Mumbles of "No, it grows in the ground, you twat!"]

Moses:
OK, Brother Dai, fair enough. I think that we can extend the rules from the specific case outlined by Him to cover all forms of cooking lamb or kid wherever milk, or milk-derived produce, is used, and there is a risk that the milk or milk-derived produce might have come from the animal's mother.

Still AOoM'sP&G'sC:
What if it's older?

Moses:
Sorry, Brother Gareth, do you mean cheese, or what?

Gareth:
No, not cheese. Cheese is made from carpet weevils, as any fule kno. I mean, what if it's a big sheep, or a big goat. Its mother might still be alive.

Moses:
Is that likely?

[General murmurs of "Ol' Geraint's Daisy lived to be over 22 years old before she accidentally glanced into a mirror and lased herself to death" and similar tales of aged beasts]

Moses:
OK, OK. No lambs or kids or ewes or rams or goats to be cooked in any way where the method of cooking involves milk or milk derivatives that have come from the same species.

ASAOoM'sP&G'sC:
Wether!

Moses:
It's a desert. The outlook is sunny. What's that got to do with the price of fish?

AYAOoM'sP&G'sC:
I like a bit of boiled fish, me.

All:
Shut up, Tomos!

ASAOoM'sP&G'sC:
No, a wether is a castrated sheep, innit?

Moses:
I never knu dat! OK, wethers too. Thank you, Brother Lloyd.

AROOoM'sP&G'sC:
Calves. You forgot calves.

Moses:
We haven't got any calves. I broke the golden one, and the rest died of BSE four years ago.

AROOoM'sP&G'sC:
We might buy some more.

Moses:
Who from?

Lloyd:
"From whom".

All:
Shut up, Lloyd!

Tomas:
We might encounter a band of roving cattle salesmen. You never know.

Moses [irritated]:
OK, calves too, if we ever get any.

Bronwyn:
I get my milk delivered.

[More tittering, and accusations of children looking more like the milkman than Dai.]

Moses [testily]:
So, it's still milk, isn't it?

Bronwyn:
Yes, but I don't know what kind it is, do I? It could be goat's or ewe's or *anything*. It's just white stuff in a bottle to me.

Moses:
My God, Brother Dai, whatever did you see in this woman?

Dai:
Big tits, Mo'.

[Gales of laughter. Bronwyn hits Moses and Dai with her handbag and storms off to her tent. Hugh follows, trying to look inconspicuous.]

Moses:
Seriously, though, brother, the lady does have a point. How many of you can't tell goat's milk from ewe's milk?

[A number of hands are raised. Moses is becoming extremely irate.]

Moses:
Right then. Brother Aaron, take a note of this. No animal, of any form, and regardless of age or sex, is to be cooked in any manner that involves milk, or milk-derived produce, regardless of the species that produced the milk, because it might be its mother's milk. Said regulation shall from hereon in apply to all goats, and sheep, and cows.

Lloyd:
And deer.

Aaron [writing]:
...and...deer...

Iestyn:
And antelope.

Aaron:
...and...antelope...

Lloyd [getting in the swing of things]:
And gnu.

[Various "What's gnu?" "Nothing, what's gnu with you" etc.]

Aaron:
...and...gnu...

[Moses is almost beside himself]

Tomas:
And chickens.

Aaron:
...and...chickens...

Moses:
Noooooooo!

[Fade]

(compare to may98-b.html)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy New Year!
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 22 Sep 2001 20:40:21 -0400

Comrade Donald Welsh wrote:
> [2] Soy makes you strong! Strength crushes enemies! Soy! Soy! Soy!

Soy SMASH! RAAH!

JIM, so *that's* why the Hulk is green


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy New Year!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 23 Sep 2001 22:44:14 GMT

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
>Sagacious Euphemism (johnyaya.usa.nospamplease.net) wrote:
>> Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
>>>Anyone know why Southern Comfort is no longer Kosher?
>> The fact that it's a nasty, sickly-sweet liquor, that no sane person would consume twice?
>You must be thinking of something else. The Oracle once told me that Southern Comfort is the nectar of the gods.
>Of course, he didn't say _which_ gods,

And I doubt he mentioned from which orifice the nectar comes.

>but I didn't press him on it.

Ya, *there's* a good slogan: "Made from Freshly-Squeezed Oracle Ass-Nectar"

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to the Clio Awards


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Capitalism Rears It's Ugly Head
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2001 13:40:38 -0600

Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
>pieceoftheuniverse (potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com) wrote:
>> "So come to the movies on Tuesday, September twenty-fifth, or else you're an unpatriotic bastard. Thank you."
>Oh no! I donated money directly to charities, and almost never go to the movies! I hope I'm not arrested for treason or anything.

Don't be silly! No one gets arrested for treason.

You get shot.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - only in times of war though, so ... oh. Right.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Capitalism Rears It's Ugly Head
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 25 Sep 2001 17:14:42 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> said:
>Seriously, though: a couple weeks have passed, and flags around the country are gradually rising up the mast (insert sexual innuendo here).

When I was at camp one year, a frog that our unit had adopted died, and so we wore our shorts at half-mast.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies still miss Froggie


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: It's Greek to Me
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2001 16:44:17 +0100

Just back from an energetic holiday walking from inn to inn in the Pindos Mountains of northwestern Greece (highly recommended). Energetic and educational: we learnt how to deal with packs of savage dogs (answer: you don't), how to tell a non-English-speaking innkeeper that there's a scorpion in your room (try star signs - no, not Aquarius), that English tour parties bear an uncanny resemblance to episodes from Inspector Morse (though they weren't considerate enough to start murdering each other whilst we were around, worse luck) and, most intriguingly of all, that Greek TV shows Xena in English with Greek subtitles. Ignoring for a moment what this series teaches Greek kids about their own history, you'd think, wouldn't you, that they called her Xena in the first place because it's a pretty Greek-sounding name, right? Wrong. The Greeks transliterate it (retransliterated into our alphabet due to the woeful deficiencies of ascii) to Zína because, obviously, "Xena" would be pronounced "Hhhinna", which is a dam' silly name for a warrior princess, as any fule kno.

I don't know why, but this factlet absolutely fascinates me. Little things, as they say...

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---OTOH, they don't refer to George Dubya as George Omega--
--*-----*--*--I guess he doesn't look enough like Charlton Heston--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Enough of this...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2001 21:22:03 -0700

Ok, so the level of posts has dropped off tremendously, and I feel like I'm getting more yuks out of watching pages 404, but that's beside the point.

Recently I've been packing up my various belongings in hopes of eventually moving. (the fact that I've just ponied up several grand to rent a place not-withstanding, but this is California and Ma Nature may have unexpected moving plans of her own) As I was going through the various dusty remains of my life I found an old Alan Alda cut out playset that someone had sent to me as a joke. Basically it's the cardboard cast from M*A*S*H that you can set up and do horrible things to at your leisure.

It even comes with various outfits that one can use, and put Hunnicutt in a Hawaiian shirt or Potter in scrubs, but the one thing that bothers me is that Hawkeye's chest is bare. So that leads me to the obvious question, how do I nipple my Pierce?

~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
If that doesn't get them out of the woodwork, I don't know what will.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Enough of this...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 08:23:11 -0600

TimC wrote:
>TechnoAtheist (aka Bruce) wrote:
>> how do I nipple my Pierce?
>You want to nibble on POTU?

[insert large quantity of smoke out of nowhere in particular, followed by a booming voice] I HAVE BEEN SUMM {cough} Summ {cough, cough} sum {cough, cough} summon {cough, hack, ptooie}...

Damn smoke machine.

>I'm sure he won't like that.

I'm sorry, but I'm only accepting feminine nibbles at this time. If TA ever gets a sex change in the future ... well, I'd still say no.

However, if any of you blokes know of an attractive woman aged eighteen to thirty-five who likes nibbling ... erm, on second thought, judging from your presence on rhod, I don't want to know the kind of women you know. Never mind.

>It's not like he has turned the entire world including himself into prawns *yet*.

That's nothing. I haven't told you the most important bit: where I'm going to put the tartar sauce [1].

>furrfu.

You know you've been posting to Usenet too long when you decode rot-13 in your head.

>> ~
Look! It's the attack of the ~steve-o!
>> ~
A poor impression of the ocean.
>> ~
Diagram of a standing wave.
>> ~
A little-known Aztec symbol, meaning "sex."
>> ~
The soul of the equal sign.
>> ~
"What does this say?"
"I don't know. I said I could write; I never said I could read."
>> ~
Whoever came up with the name for the tilde needs his brain checked.
>> ~
Eagle-eye view of my driving pattern.
>> ~
An error message I received once. Silly programmers.
>> ~
A newly-hatched brSff.
>> ~
Oh no! They're reproducing!
>> ~
Ack! It's a whole school of them!
>> ~
Get me out of the fish tank NOW!

>> If that doesn't get them out of the woodwork, I don't know what will.
>I don't know, but it sure got the woodchu....

<ZOT!>

--
pieceoftheuniverse - now, who saw that one coming?

[1] Yuck. I despise tartar sauce [2].
[2] Hence the complete eeevilness [3] of my plan [4].
[3] It might even be evil enough to be called eeeeeeeevil [5]
[4] If you could even call it that.
[5] But that might be stretching it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Enough of this...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 27 Sep 2001 08:35:21 -0600

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
>Also Sprach pieceoftheuniverse:
(and TA, and TimC, but they're not as important as me)
>> >> how do I nipple my Pierce?
>> >You want to nibble on POTU?
>> [insert large quantity of smoke out of nowhere in particular, followed by a booming voice] I HAVE BEEN SUMM {cough} Summ {cough, cough} sum {cough, cough} summon {cough, hack, ptooie}...
>Want lessons?

There are three possible responses. Please choose from the following:

  1. In coughing? Are you going to teach me to expunge my lung with minimal Pain and Effort(tm)?

  2. Yes, YOU TOO can be one of the THOUSANDS of semi-mystical entities that appear in a PUFF of smoke EVERY DAY! All you have to do is CALL 1-900-PUFFDRAGON ($1.99 for the first minute, your eternal soul for every minute thereafter) for details on how YOU, yes YOU, can not only appear in a puff of SMOKE, but also:
    - DISAPPEAR into the shadows wearing neon-bright clothing!
    - foretell the FUTURE without really trying!
    - FLY! (cape not included)
    - insert clever WITTICISMS in dire situations!
    - FIND your very own lackey^Wside-kick!
    - discover the SIMPLICITY of alter egos!
    - and much, much MORE!
    CALL NOW and, for a limited time only, we'll teach YOU to notice when someone has called your name -- from as far as TWELVE THOUSAND MILES AWAY! We'll also set you up with the Novice Superhero (re)Placement Program, which has ACTIVELY (re)placed superheroes in such great locations as Paris, New York, and Taiwan!

    So CALL NOW! Again, that number is 1-900-PUFFDRAGON -- become the semi-mystical entities of your dreams!

  3. [no response]

--
pieceoftheuniverse - the voices in my head are voting for #2.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Enough of this...
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 28 Sep 2001 23:52:00 GMT

Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> said:
>who invented all this school work?

I don't know how to "who".

You have an advisor, a looming deadline, and an unsupportable thesis topic. You are growing tired.

STATUS

Ideas: 100%
Good ideas: 0%
Panic: 40%
Social life: 0%

BREW COFFEE

Done.

DRINK COFFEE

Done. You are feeling more awake now.

EAT DONUT

You don't have any donuts.

CRAP

Your thesis is not yet written.

LOOK NETSCAPE


From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
> LOOK NETSCAPE

You browse the 'net for several hours, looking at nude pictures of Brittany Spears that are obviously doctored.

The looming deadline becomes a hulking deadline. The hulking deadline confronts you.

HIT DEADLINE WITH THESIS

Your thesis is unsupportable. It collapses like putty into your hand.

The deadline strikes you from a distance; you are damaged.

STATUS

Ideas: 95%
Good ideas: 0%
Panic: 50%
Social life: -15%

The deadline comes ever closer.

BS

You launch into a diatribe about the importance of world hunger as it relates to the surplus woodchuck population. Somehow you manage to tie your thesis into this.

The deadline is stunned.

HIT DEADLINE WITH THESIS

Your thesis is weak, being supported only by BS. Attack anyway (Y/N)?

Y

The deadline has spawned a review board!

The review board tears apart your BS, and the thesis again turns into mush in your hand.

RUN AWAY

The review board comes after you. Even though they have the dead weight of the deadline to carry, they are managing to catch up with you.

PROCRASTINATE

You wait until the last possible second before doing anything important. Or indeed relevant.

Your toenails are now buffed.

The review board is coming closer.
The deadline looks awake now.

STATUS

Ideas: 70%
Good ideas: 2%
Panic: 85%
Social life: -25%

USE GOOD IDEAS

Your good ideas are not enough to support your thesis. You'll need to think of something else.

The deadline comes closer.
The review board is almost upon you.

USE GOOD IDEAS WITH BS

You manage to construct a seemingly reasonable argument for the salvation of woodpeckers native to the Arctic regions, and relate this to your thesis with your good ideas.

The review board confronts you.
The deadline confronts you.

HIT REVIEW BOARD WITH THESIS

The review board explodes!

Your thesis is destroyed.
You are damaged.
The deadline is stunned.

RUN AWAY

You speed off in a random direction. The deadline does not appear to be following.

STATUS

Ideas: 50%
Good ideas: 10%
Panic: 93%
Social life: -100%

PROCRASTINATE

You never learn, do you?

You wait until the last possible second before doing anything important. Or indeed relevant.

Your ears have never looked better.

The deadline has woken up, and is approaching rather quickly.

USE GOOD IDEAS WITH THESIS

You manage to create a basic sketch of an argument for your thesis. You don't mention woodpeckers once.

The deadline confronts you.

ATTACK DEADLINE WITH THESIS

The deadline has spawned an instructor!

The instructor berates you for your unpreparedness.

You are damaged.

STATUS

Ideas: 20%
Good ideas: 50%
Panic: 100%
Social life: -160%

ATTACK INSTRUCTOR WITH GOOD IDEAS

The instructor is stunned.

The deadline comes uncomfortably close. Apparently it's never heard of "personal space."

USE GOOD IDEAS WITH THESIS

Not bad, even if you do say so yourself. Still, it's missing something.

RESEARCH THESIS

With the deadline so close, it's hard to get any real research done. Still, what you have -might- be enough. Maybe.

USE RESEARCH WITH THESIS

You put the finishing touches on your thesis.

The deadline is almost upon you!
The instructor is no longer stunned.

ATTACK DEADLINE WITH THESIS

The deadline disappears in a puff of smoke.
The instructor has stolen your thesis!
A review board has been spawned!
The instructor attacks the review board with the thesis!
The review board has died!
The instructor collects fifty gold pieces from the review board's corpse!
The instructor attacks you!

You have died.

Your score is 93 out of 9127471746189498165165618701501957899078907.
Play again (Y/N)?

N

Yeah, who are we kidding. You'd just procrastinate again, anyway.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - wow, it's like college all over again!


From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
> LOOK NETSCAPE

You see a maze of twisty little rhod threads, all the same.

You have an advisor, a looming deadline, an unsupportable thesis topic, and an empty coffee cup.

There is rhod here.

POST RHOD

Your thesis is not yet written. Are you sure?

POST RHOD, AND NO BACK CHAT.

Done. You have composed a post about Dave Hemming's socks.

SEND.

Done.

Your deadline looms closer.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Enough of this...
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 22:34:32 +0100

TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com> writes
>but the one thing that bothers me is that Hawkeye's chest is bare. So that leads me to the obvious question, how do I nipple my Pierce?

For god's sake, man, it's only a paper doll. Just use a felt tit.

TIP! I meant tip!

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---*-*---Damn, I feel a right tit now---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 29 Sep 2001 15:15:20 -0400

Comrade Robin wrote:
> TechnoAtheist wrote:
> > packmousey.netscape.net (Robin) wrote ...
> > > Has anyone read this book? If so, what did you think of it?
> > Sadly, I don't think David Marcolin frequents this forum.
> *sigh* It was just a simple question. It you didn't want to answer, then you should have just ignored it.

Sorry, I don't think Pauly frequents this group either.

JIM, I'm going to Hell for that one... oh, wait...

<JIM's alter ego, Hydrogen Guy, is going to hell, over at The Files of Hydrogen Guy. Episode 57.>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Fear my toaster
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 28 Sep 2001 18:41:47 -0000

...because I do.

My old toaster is toast. I got a new one. Included in the box is a bright yellow piece of paper which reads:

NEVER LEAVE YOUR TOASTER UNATTENDED

Which is more than a little worrisome. I mean, if they'd said not to leave it unattended while ON, I'd just chalk it up to usual dont-sue-us disclaimerism.

But never? Never unattended at all? What's it going to do? They don't say, which only makes it worse. I've apparently brought a device into my home which, if not kept under a constant watchful eye, will wreak untold terror upon me, or the house, or something. Raid the refrigerator, maybe. Can I take my eyes off of it for a few seconds if I'm at least in the same room as it?

I've been carrying the new toaster to work with me every day, and placing it within my normal field of vision. I take it to lunch with me. I take it to the bathroom. I stay awake all night so as not to leave it unguarded. But there's a problem. As if this dire warning wasn't enough, there's another which reads:

DO NOT USE YOUR TOASTER NEAR WATER

So apparently I can never shower again. If I can't bring the toaster into the shower with me, I risk leaving it unattended.

I have found a solution, though, but I need help. I plan on getting a web cam and pointing it at the toaster. This way it can be monitored remotely. Even so, I can't be at a computer _all_ the time, so I need volunteers to watch it when I'm unavailable. Please send me an email listing hours when you are available to watch my toaster. In return, I promise to volunteer to spend some time keeping an eye on your appliances.

Thank you for your support.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fear my toaster
From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
Date: Sat, 29 Sep 2001 00:52:21 GMT

"Andrew Comeau" <drewslairNO.SPAMyahoo.com> writes:
> "Nixo Villie" <nixo_villie.hotmail.com> wrote:
> > "Tom "Tom" Harrington" <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> > : ...because I do.
> > : My old toaster is toast. I got a new one. Included in the box is a bright yellow peice of paper which reads:
> > Buy another toaster to keep the first one company.
> What if the two toasters strike up an alliance and turn hostile?! Or worse yet ... a romance!!! I mean, I'm no prude but I have my limits - I am NOT surfing over to a webcam to watch toaster sex!!

Mmmm...I'm so HOT! Shove that smooth, white thing into me. Deeper, deeper.
Now handle me...down...down...there.

Sometimes I like to take a long time, sometimes I'm done quickly. I'm almost ready...almost...almost...AAHH!

You gonna spread that thing with butter or jam?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Quining for the fjords
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 29 Sep 2001 23:51:54 +1000

..or for any other reason, really, doesn't matter in the slightest.

Recently reading my birthday copy of _Gödel,_Escher,_ Bach_, I came across the concept of quining; that is, taking a sentence fragment with no subject and repeating it so that it becomes its own subject.

For example, take the fragment "is written on old jars of mustard to keep them fresh". Quining it, we acquire "Is written on old jars of mustard to keep them fresh" is written on old jars of mustard to keep them fresh.'

I have no idea if the above statement is true. Perhaps if we alternately choose the phrase "is written on homebrew to improve the taste" we could get Lane and Ol' Fitzo to try it out.

Anyway, playing around with my Mac's text-to-speech engine (which incidentally doesn't know the word 'quine', and tries to pronounce it 'quinn'. Spelling the word as 'kwyne' gets proper results) and I began making up some nice potential quines. I offer them here, a known haunt of folks who like playing with language, in hopes that others will be amused, or at least we'll have a new kind of cascade or something.

Anyway:

"does not appear in Bartlett's Quotations"
"contains just five English words"
"much like Yoda, it speaks"
"cannot be legally typed into Frontpage, as Microsoft sucks"
"is surprisingly and gratuitiously verbose, for the amazingly minscule content it conveys"
"isn't wordy"
"Flies like fresh fruit"

I'm sure some bright spark can think of better ones...

Screwtape,
..."likes quining if anthropomorphised"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quining for the fjords
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 29 Sep 2001 15:41:35 -0400

Comrade Screwtape wrote:
[snip]
> "Flies like fresh fruit"

[processing...] [laughs]

We need some RHOD-specific ones.

"is what she said"
"asked 'How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?'"
"if spelled correctly, summons Jellyroll Papadoupolous"
"is not entirely unlike tea"
"forms, milligram for milligram, the fiercest quine on the planet"
"cannot be squicked, as it is a sentence fragment and lacks a head"
"Tom"

And, of course, the existence of various sigmonsters guarantees entire quined-posts.

Pathological ones:

NoI'msorrythereisn'ttimetosay"NoI'msorrythereisn'ttimetosay".
(would this be a reverse quine?)

"[1]"[1]
...

[1] X
(where X would be chosen to induce maximum head-boggling.)

And of course, the infinitely self-pseudo-quining poker cascade:

I'll see your "I'll see your 'I'll see your ... '" and raise you a "and raise you a 'and raise you a ...'.".

JIM, "JIM"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quining for the fjords
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 30 Sep 2001 16:04:58 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>(where X would be chosen to induce the maximum head-boggling.)

"Does not work as a quine"
"Has been removed"
"Appears once in this sentence"
"Steve-o said"

>And of course, the infinitely self-pseudo-quining poker cascade:
>I'll see your "I'll see your 'I'll see your ... '" and raise you a "and raise you a 'and raise you a ...'.".

"ties in nicely with the 'Checking the vote file' thread"

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if doing this on the Internet makes it an e-quine



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