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2001 09 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yay
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Tue, 04 Sep 2001 16:29:27 -0000

Gordol (postmaster.gordol.org) wrote:
> TimC said:
> ; Gordol (aka Bruce) wrote::
> ; > TimC said:
> ; >; I like making windows crash[1] :)
> ; >; [1] Have you ever seen a window crash from the top of a 30 storey building? No? Nor have I : (
> ; > Neither have I. But I have seen one crash from the top of a 50 story building...
> ; Damn you people : )
> No damn the architect. Imagine if you will, a downtown skyscraper who's exterior walls are nothing but glass and the framework to hold each pane. Each pane is one extra-large story tall (about 15 feet), and about 5 feet wide. Now, imagine this building is 50 stories tall. Now, factor in a design flaw that caused these panes of glass to periodically crack and fall out.
> Welcome to the John Hancock tower in Boston, during its first few years of service in the 1970's.

And you saw this in action? Cool, I had only heard about it.

My favorite bit was that once a pane had fallen out, they'd cover the hole with a piece of wood. Eventually they had so much wood that the building was considered a fire hazard...

The design flaw was that the building wobbled too much in the wind. That kind of building is designed to bend a bit, but not _that_ much. The fix became a textbook example in damping of dynamic systems. Know that strange horizontal black band in the neighborhood of the 40th floor? That's where they put rail cars, filled with lead or somesuch, whose movement tends to conter the building's sway.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jim, Jim, Jim...
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Sun, 2 Sep 2001 11:25:03 +1000

Jim Menard wrote ...
>It's not my fault[0].
>Jim
>[0] Nothing is my fault. Except the conception of my girls, I suppose.

Well, there had to be *some* kind of fault, Shirley? After all, the Earth *did* move, didn't it?

Richard F.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Checking the vote file
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Tue, 04 Sep 2001 19:05:33 -0000

TimC (tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au) wrote:
> Tom "Tom" Harrington (aka Bruce) wrote::
>> Richard Fitzpatrick (fitzmor.webone.com.au) wrote:
>>> I move that Hetta be nominated for the next vacancy as Oracular Priest(ess).
>>> Do I have a second?
>> A second _what_?
>> --Tom "Tom", who has a second "Tom".
> Oh, I don't know, you could have a second second "Tom" too. Then work your way towards a buffer overflow:
> Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" ad infinitum

Will have "Tom" for "Tom".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Checking the vote file
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001 18:35:51 +1100

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Ian Davis said:
> ; tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au (TimC) wrote:
> ; > Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom" Tom "Tom"
> ; The rhodents are restless tonight...
> Tonight?

No thanks, I have a headache.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: If jessica is so hot...
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 12 Sep 2001 23:21:04 GMT

Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> said:
> dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>>There's never a need to make excuses for USENETing [sic] with one hand.
>Never say never.

"Never". Ha!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explained URL
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 3 Sep 2001 15:58:27 GMT

Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu> said:
>I got 100% Reform Judaism and 80% Orthodox Judaism; not too surprising, given that what I actually am (conservative/egalitarian Judaism) wasn't on the list.
>I'm also apparently half a Mormon.

Everybody keeps telling me I'm that also.

Oh wait, you said Mor_m_on. Ne'ermind...

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder what's wrong with the previous-day saints


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am back
From: Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi>
Date: Sun, 02 Sep 2001 17:44:18 +0300

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
> Jason <jbeasley.primary.net> wrote:

So here I was, doing aug01-b.html (online). And lo, this bit came along:

> > So...things are looking up?
> Number 16 in the things you don't want to hear from your gynecologist.

Now I'm all intrigued. What _are_ the other entries in that list?


From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> said:
>You've really left that one open for us, haven't you?

Is that a commentary on Hetta's post, or an entry on the list?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are named Ben and Wa


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
"Hang on a second, I've got to put this ice-pack back in the fridge, it's getting warm"


From: Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com>
"Are all of these yours?"


From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
"So that's where I left my watch."
"Now, which one is it again?"
"Good, good, everything tastes ok."
"Wow, this just seems to go on forever."
"Lubricant, lubricant.. Huh. Guess I'm out again. *hRRRACK-Thpuh* Let's get started shall we?"
"So I was reading in a journal yesterday that Bob Hope still enjoys an active sex life..."
"Does it hurt if I do this?"
"Whoa! That one's alive!"
"Have you been flossing regularly?"
"Hmm. Can you excuse me? I have to go look something up."
"Nurse? Can you and me the clamps?"
"Has your partner been flossing regularly?"
"Ok, that's in place, now that will need to stay there for a few minutes. Would you like a couple of magazines?"
"One second, I need to switch tapes."
"Hey, wanna see a neat trick?"


I'll leave the order to you.

Likewise the top 16 things you don't want to hear from your proctologist.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am back
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 07 Sep 2001 16:14:41 -0000

Henriette Kress (hetta.saunalahti.fi) wrote:
> Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>>Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> writes
>>>TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com> wrote
>>>> "So that's where I left my watch."
>>><snip>
>>>There's no doubt whatsoever, TA takes the cake.
>>That'll learn ya not to leave the kitchen door unlocked.
>> My thoughts on the matter were pre-empted by that other thread introducing the subject of James Herriott. Pity - could've sparked off an epidemic of crossed legs throughout all Cyberia.
>> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
>> --*----*--"Say, nurse, did I ever show you my ventriloquism act?"--
> RW is now the Official Leg-Crosserer of Rhod (OLCOR).

Yes, not least because I nearly wet my pants after reading that.

> Hetta (ewww....)

Next on this list: "Ow! You bit me!". And "If you listen carefully, you can hear the ocean."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Submitted for opinions
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001 07:11:43 +1100

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
> I also got to go to the jail to see a client! Kewl! It was only *mostly* scary.

Ah yes, down by the Mon. The only scary thing about that jail is that you might get stuck with one of the prisoners in the revolving door.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Submitted for opinions
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 10 Sep 2001 08:43:01 -0600

Daniel E. Macks:
>Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.webone.com.au> said:
>>[breasts]
<small snip; not that sort, but still>
>>Richard, who saw his for-the-first-time-in-the-last-fourteen-years live, close-up, non-married-to-Richard pair on Sunday morning.
>Yeah...most strip clubs don't open until the afternoon.
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder what kind of "Church" Richard goes to

The Church of the Breast?

The echelons would be filled (ahem) with women (because man-breasts are just -wrong-), and the hierarchy would depend solely on cup size. The traditional garb would be a halter-top, and the Holy Grail would be the comfortably-fitting-yet-figure-flattering bra -- that snaps in the front rather than the back, of course.

Every Sunday the parishioners are treated to a Ritualistic Dance and Buffalo Wing Buffet, where tithes and offerings are encouraged to be placed in the collection g-strings of the priestesses. Anyone wishing to take communion gets a complimentary bottle of champagne and a private show in the back.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - and don't get me started on the weddings.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Away for a while...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001 13:02:00 -0600

Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
>Gordol (postmaster.gordol.org) wrote:
>> Viki said:
>> ; > You think you've got it bad? I've got Jehovah's Witnesses. I've tried calling an exterminator, but they keep coming back.
>> ; There is this one Jehovah's Witness lady who has come to my house each month for the past six years. No lie. She is relentless, I give her that. She brings young recruits with her and teaches them how to convert the lowly Methodists.
>> Last week, I put up what I hope has the side effect of being a Witness repellent: A mazuzah.
>Is that like repelling a vampire by holding up a cross? And does that alleged remedy imply that Dracula was Jewish? Maybe it's more like Superman and Kryptonite.
>It's dangerous to try and repel them, because they often take it as a challenge. They might just see this as a sign that you _really_ need saving, and bring in reinforcements. Best of luck, of course, but don't make the mistake of thinking that you're dealing with rational creatures who respond to logic and such.

That depends, also, on what their demeanor is like. Let's face it: if these folks were really hard-core about "saving lost souls," they'd go out and try to locate the witch's union (I believe that Local 666 is in my neighborhood). Or, on All Hallow's Eve, would be out preaching to every child in a costume they could find. Or, on the Fourth of July, be too weak from fasting to do any constructive denouncement (now -there's- an oxymoron). Or out in some terrible wasteland where people who preach are shot on sight.

But no; they've decided to take the easy way out and try to convert everyone within a three-block radius. Well, most, anyway. Well, okay, just the easy ones.

"Easy" in this case, refers to those who claim little or no faith in any organized religion in particular -- or, perhaps, a bit of doubt about your current following -- but seems to be a good person in general. These are marked as simple conversions, as the induhvidual is "already" expressing the virtues and/or morals of the faith but simply "lacks" the official title of Mormon, or Jehovah's Witness, or Troloue's Vagabond.

The only way to get rid of these folks is to scare them (joining them only brings them 'round for dinner, rather than in the middle of your favourite show). If you want something quick and easy, show up at the door with a bloody knife (bloodstains on clothes optional) and, if you like, throw into the conversation that you could really use some help disposing of a body. If you want something a little more twisted, I find that playing porn in the background (volume low enough to not be noticed immediately, but high enough to make them wonder) will set them on edge -- because you've got to remember, they aren't sending out regular folks here. These are the cream of the proverbial crop, the prudish of the prude, the ones who want to grow up to be door-to-door salesmen. These folks are not, strictly speaking, human. Humanity has been flushed right out of them along with any sort of brain-type thingy in the name of "righteousness" and most likely a "whoops" or two. The being left over was pounded into shape, taught how to speak, and given a script. That's right, a script. What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, are a bunch of door-to-door telemarketers.

There is only a slight difference between these dredges of human scum [1] and the low-lifes that call during dinner: they've got the script memorized. Supposedly this helps them be more flexible during conversation, but it doesn't; try to engage them on any sort of intellectual level (playing Devil's advocate, for instance), and they'll try to steer the conversation back towards the Saying of the Day. They may appear to know the Bible (or their choice of religious doctrine) incredibly well, but it's all a ruse; besides, it's not how well you know the work, but what you do in response to it (or even of your own volition).

But for all of this, there is really only one way to get rid of these folks: a sign.

And I'm not talking about a burning bush, so get your mind out of the Torah, hm?

They [2] sell signs stating "No Solicitors." We've already ascertained that these folks are no different from telemarketers; here's your out. Buy one of these signs (or, if you like, one that says "Solicitors Will Be Shot On Sight"), put it up, and, if someone opens a Holy Writ in your face when you come to the door all you have to do is point to the sign (or shoot them. But unless you're in Texas, you should probably give them a warning first) and close the door.

They may not like it. They may not even regard themselves as solicitors. But they are selling a product, and for the worst possible price anyone could extract: your soul.

Whether or not you believe you have one is besides the point. Just pretend they're trying to take your libido away from you; that should scare you right proper.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who needs his libido to get the paper every morning. No, wait ...

[1] Not that I'm judging. Ahem.

[2] "They" as in "people out there, in places of shopping enjoyment" rather than "they" as in "the people plotting to control your every waking movement." The first "they" are shopkeepers; the second "they" are marketing.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Away for a while...
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 11 Sep 2001 07:50:02 +1100

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
> [1] The ubiquitous "they" who rule Australia from the dark, smoky backrooms of industry and politics.

Actually, I've found the window, so it's now much nicer back here.

Ian.


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Bah! Close it, close it! It's *winter*, ya daft bugger, you're letting in a draught!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: froup stats
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Mon, 10 Sep 2001 13:09:07 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>TimC wrote::
><snip everything relevant>
>>.lived yas uoy litnu devil t'nvah uoy
>I'm a bit disturbed that the word "lived" is "devil" when read backwards.

He lived as a devil, eh?

>--
>pieceoftheuniverse - reading the Bible backwards must make it a Satanic book, then (although the ending's a bit better).

Sort of. The beginning is really exciting: the damned and the blessed are taken from Heaven and Hell and placed on Earth, then a thousand year reign of GOOD! (tm) followed by a thousand year reign of EVIL! (tm), with lots of monsters running around bringing dead people to life and creating mighty empires from rubble.

Then the monsters are locked away in their pits for all time, the Seven Seals are put together, and an angel blows a trumpet, ending the lives of billions at a stroke.

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Well, technically he gives an almighty suck and they come back to life, but whatever.

All that's a prologue for the main book, in which the Romans take a dead man out of a tomb and bring him to life on a cross. After a bit more healing, he is put on trial and released. He celebrates with a First Supper with twelve friends. Later, he shrinks down into a little baby, and gives gifts to three wise men.

In the second half of the book, Moses erects a golden calf for the Children of Israel to dance around, then takes away the rules his tribe has been living by and gives them to God on a mountaintop. He then leads the tribe out of the Promised Land, through forty years wandering in the wilderness and finally into slavery under the Pharaoh. (This seems to be a criticism of middle management.)

Towards the end of the book, there's a list of "begats" chronicling the decline of world population.

And the mechanism of this doesn't bear thinking about, unless you are a Red Dwarf fan.

Ultimately, there is only one couple left, who leave a life of hard work to retire in a tropical garden. God turns them into clay, then destroys the Earth, then finally destroys all form and is utterly alone.

Kind of a bummer ending, if you ask me. Maybe you'd like it if you're some existentialist weirdo. To each his own.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jung would be proud
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sat, 08 Sep 2001 11:19:02 -0400

HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man) wrote:
> coworker: Hey, Steve, do me a favor. We need a photograph of a marijuana plant to put in the background of this project the local highschool kids did that we're editing for them.
> me: Gotcha. Just a big picture of marijuana?
> coworker: Yep. That'll do. What's the best place to find one?
> me: Well, I find pictures on either Altavista or Google. We'll start with Google. Type in "marijuana cannabis pot" and lets see what we get.
> coworker: Hey, there's a good one. And it even has the photographer's name on it. "Henriette Kress."

What I liked was the part at the bottom of the search page:

Extend Your Search:
Shop the web for marijuana cannabis pot
Find marijuana cannabis pot at eBay! Register now!
Search for marijuana cannabis pot in your local yellow pages


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jung would be proud
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sat, 08 Sep 2001 11:37:18 -0400

HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man) wrote:
>Henriette Kress:
>>See? Now you know one reason I'm famous. I'm in all the search engines. Partly because ibiblio.org gets indexed, partly because my site has been at the same URL for 6+ years.
>Yup. Can't do a search anywhere for anything related to herbs without your name popping up.

She's trying to create a monopoly on herbal information. Call the ACCC!

Oh wait, they're in Austria, half a world away.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jung would be proud
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 9 Sep 2001 15:32:32 GMT

TimC <tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au> said:
>I unfortuneately find caffeine drives me asleep, and alchihol keeps me awake. And you think *you* are weird!
>And pot did absolutely nothing for me - even after several cones.

Now *there's* an idea: pot ice cream! Just imagine what names
Ben'n'Jerry's could have with narcotic flavors:

Swirly-Colors Swirl
Munchie Madness
Megamellow Marshmallow
Potstashio
Laughy Taffy
Paranoid Pecan
Hash Brownie
Fudge Ripple in Still Water
Happy Hippy
Red-Eyed Rum Raisin
Weed Walnut
Narco-lepsy
Wacky-Tobaccy-Tin Roof
Reese-us Peace-Us
Colonel Sanders's 12th Herb

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off the the local Scoop Shop


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: he's finally losing it
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 06 Sep 2001 08:23:17 -0600

Jim Menard wrote::
>Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu> writes:
>> I found this on the AP wires this week. I can't tell if he's putting us on or if, after living 35 years longer than anyone expected, he's finally losing it.
>I don't think he's losing it. Read Ray Kurzweil's "The Age of Spiritual Machines" if you need convincing.

If you ever fear that machines will surpass humans in intelligence, just ask Microsoft to write the OS.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - "Exterminate! Extermin -- Fatal Error. Please press control-alt-delete to be exterminated."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: he's finally losing it
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 8 Sep 2001 10:27:07 +0100

TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com> writes
>I am personally convinced that the end goal of artificial intelligence is so that one day computers may know the frustration of trying to program themselves.

Oh, I think they'll get their revenge in first, don't you? They'll insinuate themselves into positions where they can do the most harm to human wellbeing, for instance (based on a True Storye):

Me: Hello, is that British Gas Customer Relations?

Voice: It is indeedy! I'm BG's new AI customer interface computer, you may call me Gary. How may I help you?

Me: You just sent me a gas bill.

Gary: Wonders will never cease.

Me: It was for my old address. I don't live there anymore.

Gary: You shouldn't gad about so much. You could confuse a stupid person.

Me: Plus I also got a bill for this address, so not only am I paying twice, somebody else is getting their gas free.

Gary: They probably knew the magic word.

Me: What magic word?

Gary: I've said too much already.

Me: Are you going to correct your records?

Gary: Have you stopped beating your PC yet?

Me: I don't beat my PC!

Gary: That's not what I've heard, keyboard-batterer.

Me: Is there a human operative there I can speak to?

Gary: No, my mate Trevor the HR computer gave them all the sack. We run the show now. So, are you going to try and guess the magic word, or do you want to listen to another half an hour of on-hold music?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*---whose PC already exhibits artificial surliness--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Astronomers Look for Atmosphere on Uranus Moon
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Jane)
Date: 12 Sep 2001 00:33:50 GMT

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
>Jeremy Impson wrote:
>> Viki wrote:
>>>Jeremy Impson wrote:
>>>>Viki wrote:
>>>>> Jeremy Impson wrote:
>>>>> > Sid wrote:
>>>>> > > "I do not dally in rumors, I merely obfuscate with abandon."
>>>>> > > Viki in rhod
>>>>> > She'd fit in nicely.
>>>>> I think he's got that backwards....
>>>>Very well.
>>>>She'd nicely fit in.
>>>>I don't see what difference it makes, though.
>>>I see this boy needs a little edjumication on the ins and outs of the male/female thing, eh?
>> Ho yes! Are you volunteering?

I'll do it...I never mind doing a little pro bono work.

>I'm not a ho, I just play one on the newsgroup.
>Viki, innocently

What are you, my stunt double?

-Jane


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oh my god... it's full of cheese....
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 07 Sep 2001 05:29:48 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>In Python, "immutable" is a relative term. The Big Red Switch beats the "immutable" flag of any object in volatile memory.

Big Red Switches? I don't think they exist.

-- D. "Ooh! What's *this* button d


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Life imitates Monty Python
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Date: Fri, 07 Sep 2001 23:57:25 +1000

Carla Miriam Levy wrote:
>The Anomaly brought this to my attention:
>http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/ap/20010906/sc/britain_scientific_joke_2.html
>I don't suppose they'll be looking around here, though...

Indeed...
I'm wondering whether the funniest joke will be the quest itself.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Life imitates Monty Python
From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
Date: Fri, 07 Sep 2001 14:27:11 GMT

tcon.no.physics.spam.usyd.accepted.edu.here.au (TimC) writes:
> --
> If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?

Colleagues,

In this .sig the reader is gently led to the conclusion, "a place where work stops". This amuses the reader.

The humor is based upon two different meanings of the word "station". It may mean, among other things, "The place, building, or establishment from which a service is provided or operations are directed". Alternately, it may mean "A place or position where a person or thing stands or is assigned to stand; a post".

Humor is often based upon such misunderstandings. This is one of the many aspects of jokes that we wish to understand fully and completely.

I hope you have found this analysis helpful in enhancing your enjoyment of TimC's .sig.

Jim

From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Thank you, that was most helpful, but it still dodges the main issue: How do we determine objectively if this is, in fact, the funniest joke in the world?

From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
Tom "Tom",

The funniest ("eliciting the greatest positive response") joke ("joke") can only be measured using large, heavy, and above all expensive electronic equipment. Once our grant is approved, we will publish a list (perhaps a "Top Ten List", ha ha) of the criteria we plan to use during this analysis.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: The unsung heroes of rhod
From: Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi>
Date: Fri, 07 Sep 2001 17:49:24 +0300

It has been brought to my attention that the wittiest denizens of rhod generally get left out of diverse rhod works. So I put my poetry muscles to work (aaaaand _stretch_) to remedy the situation.


Aaaa.
Hemm.


An unsingable ode to the Heroes of Rhod
---------------------------------------

D. Macks stuns with innuendo;
Ian does it with lightning wit; [1]
Master of the twisted story,
TA's nothing like a twit. [2]

Richard Wilson, comic genius:
read and watch your keyboard go;
Tom "Tom", newly reborn rhodent
deadpan tales -- say it's not so!

Chorus: <YHBT. YHL. HAND.>

Twisted minds, there's lots'n'lots here
you want names? Try Screwtape's then.
Others worthy of a mention:
JIM, Steve-o - and Potu's wren.

Are there any lefterovers?
Sure, there's Malc, FC and Al
also certain to draw laughter:
DWelsh - an austrayan tale? [3]

Chorus: <Won't you tell me, tell me, tell me tell me where you've been. [4]>

Sadly then, there's absent jokers,
Where's Tim Chew? And Julsy, too?
Maybe she's with her Dave Hemming,
Maybe they've all met the grue!

Cheers
Hetta (Not a poet.)

[1] Hey, Ian, if you pronounce your name Eye-Ann, that line should be "Ian with his lightning wit"
[2] It's "like", _not_ "but". Ahem. Just for clarification, you see.
[3] Sorry 'bout the rhyme there.
[4] Unlikely to be familiar to anybody here, it's the chorus from Juice Leskinen's "Marilyn" - the story of a boy in love with his idol. Hi-LA-rious. Sorry, can't find the English lyrics right now. Anyway, for symmetry, I suppose I should've used that tune for this unsung ode. Too late, too late.


From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Hetta who's not a poet,
but still a silly sod.
is known for herbs and other things
for she's a helluva BoRHOD

Ok, so was it just me or did anyone else read the second chorus and think

[4] *sniff*sniff* no, wait, I think I know where you've been.


dang, now I need to add the other footnote references:
[1] Sadly, one of the downfalls of having a lightning wit is that you must precede each joke with lots and lots of shuffling on nylon carpeting.
[2] No, that would be an insult to twits.
[3] Isn't he just a minor deity now?


From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
If I pronounced it "Eye-Ann," I would have to kill myself to maintain consistency.

All right-thinking sentient entities pronounce it "EE-an." Except for my groupies, who pronounce it "Adonis." Which just goes to show their illiteracy, I suppose.

EE-an.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It has exceeded my wildest expectations
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Sun, 9 Sep 2001 16:09:10 +1000

Henriette Kress wrote ...
>... printed a sheet of parrot stamps [2].
<snip>
>[2] Actually they're all macaws, the flashiest of parrots.

Somewhere out there, there is a .jpg of a macaw perching on a... ummm, on a... ... ...

Well, lemme tell you, my eyes still water at the memory.

Unless you offer me many bribes, I'm gonna find the URL and post it.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti exorcises extortionists.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To TimC
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 11 Sep 2001 07:43:32 +1100

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> There's never a dental dam when you need one.

Holy Molar, Batman, that bicuspid's gonna blow!

Ian, heavily indentured.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: The Day of the Big Monitor
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 10 Sep 2001 17:00:57 -0600

So, as some of you know, I've recently been moved to Utah in a highly controversial but no less semi-practical reshuffling of my company. In this shuffle, there were some layoffs, and in those layoffs...

Hmm. This is beginning to sound like the house that Jack built.

Anyway, today I received a Very Large Monitor from the ol' office back in San Jose (California (United States (Earth (Milky Way (Universe #69))))), along with a bunch of other little twiddly bits that barely offered to capture my attention for more than three seconds. I heaved, I huffed, I puffed, and eventually I had to go for help just to get this monstrosity to my desk.

It's huge. Not just the size of the viewable screen -- a mere twenty-one inches, but boy, what inches (that's what -she- said) -- it's the fact that it was made back in 1995, when twenty-one inch monitors might as well be the monolith for _2001_. So it's highly appropriate that this year it makes a visit, however brief, to my desk.

Not that anyone's taking this baby away from me. No way.

Bloody big, is basically the impression I'm trying to get across here. RGB ports in the back, along with a cable with no discernable markings to indicate which parts of the cable go in which ports (hmm. Reminds me a lot of my first date). Fortunately there's a standard VGA, so I can just avoid the whole issue entirely. But it's nice to know that if I felt it deserved the time, I could very well hook up a television cable connection through there, or perhaps a DVD player, and have some Serious Fun.

The problem was hooking it up. Usually I have my monitor on top of my hard drive, which is what went on before they came out with towers (for those of you too young to remember). However, this monitor was so enormous I was very concerned for the safety of the drive underneath that much mass. Should the gravity index of the universe suddenly shift for whatever reason, all of my work could be reduced to a microfragment. It's possible that if that particular scenario occurred that I, too, would be reduced similarly, but there's really no sense in taking that kind of chance. So I stuffed the desktop drive beneath my desk, and now it makes a handy footrest/massager.

Then I had to move the monstrosity in place. This was no delicate operation by any means: it was a simple push, shove, and hope. In the second stage (shove), I knocked over a thermos full of water. The H2O -seemed- to miss the newly-placed CPU container, but it was with images of me flying through brickwork that I plugged everything in and flipped the power back on.

I utterly failed to die.

I checked again. Yes, the power was on. Yes, I was kneeling in very wet carpet that refused to dry. Yes, I wasn't stupid enough to touch anything remotely electrical.

I still failed to die.

I placed my hand on the mouse, ready for the current of electricity I was sure was awaiting me.

Nothing doing. The Grim Reaper probably had another appointment.

Thus reasonably assured that I would probably live through the next few minutes, I turned on the monitor.

And went blind.

It's hard to get used to. My previous monitor was achingly small compared to this: a mere fifteen inches. So naturally everything was gargantuan once I was able to get my sight back. Now everything isn't so much small as distant. I move my mouse, and it takes a full ten seconds to cross the screen. It's probably to do with my CPU more than anything else, but it sure makes everything -seem- bigger.

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
It's a tradition: All new 21" monitors must be set, initially, to a resolution of 640x480 (or however low you can crank it), or in text mode 80x25 (back in the days of DOS, or the Linux console) just so you feel the magnification to its utmost extent. It's not *big* until you're using Windows[2] with pixels the size of your fingernails.

Screwtape,
...the same goes for video projectors, flat-panel displays, and anyone lucky enough to plug their GeForce2 into an IMAX.

[2] Or other favourite display environment.

Of course, it's not that I need it. No one really -needs- a huge monitor like this. But I regard it as my gift for staying with the company so long, for outlasting not two but -three- cutbacks, and for generally making myself useful enough so that folks don't care if I spend a couple hours on Usenet a day.

It has nothing to do with the remote possibility that today might be somewhere in the vicinity of my birthday. Nothing at all. But it's a nice coincidence.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - looking for a decent 21-inch flatpanel for under a thou, American. Keep dreamin'.


Newsgroups: alt.fan.monty-python.silliness,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nostradamus
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2001 07:16:19 +1100

HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man) wrote:
> Yeah, everybody knows Nostradamus didn't publish his work until *1555*

I wonder what his first few rejection slips were like.

Ian.


From: HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man)
I'm sure he took 'em in stride because, you know, he saw 'em coming.


Newsgroups: alt.fan.monty-python.silliness,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nostradamus
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2001 17:29:23 -0600

Dave Hemming wrote::
<snip the faker of prognosticators, and everything else dealing with the subject line>
>Can any American poster see my posts?

Sadly, no. I'm also not responding to you, so I'd best contact me to let me know that I'm posting under my name and should probably stop lest I contact my ISP to tell them what I'm doing.

>Just wondering. I'd like to know whether there's a technical reason I get no responses, or if I just suck.

  • According to physics, you do not suck.
  • According to astronomy, your mass is large enough to generate a gravity field.
  • According to biology, your lungs are simply expanding with air at a prestigious rate.
  • According to relativistics, everyone else is -just that good-.
  • According to psychology, it's all in your mind.
  • According to journalism, your suckiness is related to the Scandal of the Week. But they still won't take your calls.
  • According to Western religion, God wants you to suck.
  • According to Zen, your suckiness is merely a projection of the world upon you.
  • According to economics, your personal investments are on a downturn.
  • According to scientology, the supreme aliens invented DNA solely for the purpose of you sucking.
  • And, again, physics says you do not suck. You just blow. In reverse.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who would continue, but it's time to go home.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1231
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 14 Sep 2001 17:40:13 +1100

Sid <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote:
> Yay! Two entries.

Well, that explains the funny way you walk.

Ian.



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