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2002 04 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: WWJD?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 16 Apr 2002 23:07:07 GMT

Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> said:
> Daniel E. Macks apparently said:
>> Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> said:
>>> Daniel E. Macks apparently said:
>>>> JWRTFM.
>>> Not to pick a nit, but since He's Omniscient, he doesn't need the 'fine' manual.
>> So by extension, a luser will "just know" what to do.
> Interesting premise... but incorrect. That's rather like saying that because my chair supports my body mass, My body knows all about the chair. Not true, but interesting.

But if I wonder about how the chair works (==my body knowing about the chair), and then think WWJD?, I will then know how the chair works (or at least what to do to figure it out), since J already knows. OTOH, perhaps the lusers are already thinking WWJD, and are already not-RTFMing, since J already knows.

>> Given that lusers don't even know what to do after you tell them explicitly 5 times, the Big J is clearly no omniscient.
>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think we oughta nail some lusers to the wall as a warning to the others
> They'd just keep asking the same inane questions. "Is the network down?" "How do I use the man page?" "How much wood would a", OOPS, wrong injoke.

"Why are there so many corpses of my friends on the floor?" "Why are you tying me up like that?" "Why are all the helpdesk-folks passing out champagne?" "What are you doing with that blindfold?" "Where can I find good pr0n?"

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to have a free beer


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More Quiz things
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 2002 10:29:28 GMT

sid.siddhartha.8m.com (Sid) wrote:
>dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>> Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>> > vvidt.netscape.net (Viki) wrote:
>> >> No SID!!! NO NO NO!
>> >> Run, RUN!!!
>> >> please, don't bring such dishono[u]r to your father and I...
>> >Dishonor on *you,* dishonor on your *cow,*...
>> What language requires that kind of conjugation?
>Hinduism.

As opposed to Arabic, where (allegedly) every verb conjugates to a form involving either you, me, Allah, or a camel.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Survey
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 22:23:06 -0400

Tomrade Tom Harrington wrote:
> In more news of the literal, today my mailbox was graced by a political survey from a well-known US political party. One of the questions reads:
>
> "Do you support a woman's right to choose?"
>
> I don't think I can answer unless they first tell me what she's choosing. Choosing a flavor of ice cream? OK. Choosing to gouge my eyes out with a fork? I think I'd have to object.
> Oh wait, "undecided" is one of the choices. I suppose I'll have to take that one, pending further information.

You mean you can't choose?

JIM, who knew Tom was a supermodel, but never suspected he was a woman


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Survey
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 16 Apr 2002 20:45:33 GMT

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>> Tim Chew <twchew.mindspring.com> said:
>> > Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>> >> Watch out, Tom, this kind of observation can get you put away. My wife reports hearing an interview on the radio with a woman who was diagnosed mentally ill because she had Asperger's syndrome [sp?]. This is evidently a form of autism which results in a tendency to take things very literally.
>> > One of my sister's students has Asperger's. [1] For the longest time, I kept hearing her say "Ass Burgers". I pictured a kid squirming in his chair, occasionally scratching himself.
>> "Oh look...now it's got ketsup on it!"
>> [1] NMF
>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't want to know how he toasted the buns
> I thought "ass burgers" were what they served at McDonald's.

That's why I go there...I don't want any meat between my buns.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies prefer Wendy's


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 08:49:07 -0600

"Jim Evans" said thus:
>Comrade pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>> Extortion is fun, yes?
>Yay! Oh, and you'll probably be pleased to know that that "song" assault-and-peppered my brain on the bus today and would NOT LET GO.

As it's designed to. But you can shake it out with something the song writers never anticipated: rock.

No, not something like Def Leppard or Metallica; I'm talking about the big heavy thing with the mineralogical qualities. Yup, nothing like banging your head against a brick wall to get a song out of your head right quick.

In a pinch, though, the "Macarena" song might have an identical effect. Just don't do the hand motions, as that would be, well ...

>Evil!

Precisely.

Or rather, several orders up from the evil we all know and love.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - conquering the world? Nicely evil. Making the Earth succumb via "Who Let the Dogs Out"? Evil that must be destroyed.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 21:58:26 -0600

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> >dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies would say you're an Eeevil DJ
> No one else has mentioned my EVIL! (TM) solution. This works best if you have some kind of MP3 player. Rip a whole bunch of CDs, of all kinds of musical styles. Range over the whole field of musical experience: goth/industrial/hardcore (Marilyn Manson, Christian Death, Sisters of Mercy, KMFDM), juvenile (the Wiggles, Bob the Builder), flat-out weird (Eraserhead soundtrack, the Residents). Throw in some world music too -- Tuvan throat singing (say Huun-Huur-Tu) would be good. Leave out anything your cow-orkers might actually appreciate. Now suck the whole lot up into one enormous playlist, then shuffle all the tracks together. Play.

Umm. Uh... I have a Nomad Jukebox that I use for exactly this purporse. Except I listen with headphones. I thought it was one of the great things about being able to take 6GB of MP3s anywhere. I had no idea I was evil.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 2002 17:51:33 GMT

"Matthew Davey" <matthewdavey.nospam.spinpoetry.com> wrote:
>I wish life has a scroll back buffer.

Scroll back nothing, how about an edit feature.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2002 15:45:00 -0500

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Hetta said:
> > TimC wrote:
> >> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> >> > Well, Ctrl-Z would be quite enough for me. The next choice would be Ctrl-Y. *Lots* of Ctrl-Y.
> >> There is a reason why it is called "yank"
> > Gives a whole new meaning to yankee doodle dandy.
> > Hetta (::Yankee doodle keep it up, yankee doodle dandy::)
> /me thanks mom for not marrying into Ian's family
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think he had a miserable enough childhood with Macks

Ugh. What an unholy union. Hyphenated it becomes Macks-Davis.

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
When you're Strayian in every way,
He can't wait to look in the pasture
'Cause he gets the sheep lookin' his way
...


-- Al "Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 23 Apr 2002 00:48:02 +1000

vvidt.netscape.net (Viki) wrote:
> Damn judges. *sigh*
> Oh, I know what it is, they know that my clients lie, they think that *I'm* lying too! Shoot!

I suppose that's an option, but I'd leave it as a last resort in case the appeal fails.

Ian


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Brains! Graah!
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 08:41:10 -0600

"TimC" said thus:
>Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>> Donald Welsh wrote:
>>; Stupid zombies, always use too much soy sauce.
>> Or enough oregano.
>Was that meant to be "not enough oregano"? If so, I have some here. I don't know what else to use it for.

Why, oregano goes with *everything*!

Zombies use it to spice up your brains,
And vampires keep a sprig to go with your veins.
Wolverines like a taste on a cool moonlit night,
And ghosts need its help to give you a fright.

It's great with almonds, potatoes and cheese;
It's even okay with some types of trees.
It spices up hamburger, olives, and prawns,
It's highly suggested for American lawns.
Makes calendars edible, creamed corn a delight.
Oatmeal passable (If seasoned just right).
All pasta's made better with a hint of this spice,
And just a touch of oregano makes everything nice.
Goes great with chocolate, tastes fine with cream,
Boiling some water? Smells terrific with steam.
It works with term papers, theism and more,
Guaranteed to assist you in getting that score.
Teachers gobble it up by the pound in such glee,
Lining it on a knife to eat with a pea.
Need a gift quick? Worry you not!
Oregano, oregano, that's what you should bought!
Great for birthdays, weddings, and wars,
Available at only the finest of stores.

A touch of oregano, a shake of that spice,
And it'll always taste great, take my advice.
Season all you can, from vegetables to sock,
Use up a lot, 'cause I've bought all the stock.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - commodities trading is dangerous.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Brains! Graah!
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 18:06:59 +0100

Also Sprach Jeffrey Kaplan:
> ; > Why, oregano goes with *everything*!
> ; Except newbies.
> +Especially+ newbies.

I know where you live.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: twchew.mindspring.com (Tim Chew)
Date: 16 Apr 2002 11:05:25 -0700

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> But what do I know about sport? I still think the WWF has something to do with pandas.

According to US Trademark court, it does.

I still haven't heard what the World Wrestling Federation will be calling itself now.

> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
> --*-"And, in the blue corner, an endangered Fijian tree snailll!"--

Do you think it could take on the New Zealand flatworm, which seems to be making a run on the Scottish title?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2002 22:42:32 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Richard Fitzpatrick')...done.
>Jeez, did I react that badly?
>Damn, time to adjust one or more of my medications... again. Now, which one? The pink pills, the blue pills, the red pills, the purple pills, the green pills, the yellow pills, the chartreuse pills, the yellow-brown pieces of worthless glass, the orange pills, the black pills, or.... Hmmm...

That is a Nethack reference, this is today's copy of Usenet, and I claim my £5!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 2002 04:20:30 GMT

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Chris Wesling wrote:
>>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>> Screwtape wrote ...
>>> >m_init(): spawning followupTo('Richard Fitzpatrick')...done.
>>> >>Just a mild sunburn from a week's camping on the Eurobodalla Coast. But mine's nothing compared to the burn that *one* foolishly topless young woman got.
>>> >You were looking out for her in a purely paternal fashion, of course?
>>> Of course not. It was far too disturbing. Because this 20-odd young woman had her 45-odd mother put Bepanthen on her (the y.w.'s) delicate
>>Is this an age or a size?
>Hadn't actually thought of it that way, but... YES.

G1F!!!1!!1!!!!!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 27 Apr 2002 16:28:33 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> said:
> Screwtape said:
> ; >>Hypospray. You forgot the hypospray.
> ; >That's what I thought a subcutaneous pop was - I was trying for a non-proprietary term[1].
> ; I was trying to remember the special name given to medicine administered anally, but I couldn't, so I asked Google. I didn't get
> Suppository.

Suppose it's *what*?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies can take their medication and shove it


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 2002 05:42:02 +0100

Also Sprach Ian Davis:
> Well, it's more likely to be effective than it was for one old lady I knew, who would go out to the back passage of her house and swallow those big pills there.
> "When I said, 'Take them in the back passage,...' "

"For all the good they've done me I might as well have shoved them up my arse..."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Tue, 30 Apr 2002 15:31:23 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>Comrade Hetta wrote:
>> Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>> > "When I said, 'Take them in the back passage,...' "
>> Heh. Remind me to tell you of the looks on people's faces when, after making a batch of cocoa butter suppositories in class, you pop one into your mouth ; )
>Wow. Those must be for people who *really* need a chocolate fix.

Or who like dessert after a coffee enema.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 2002 11:07:17 +0100

Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> writes
>Jeffrey Kaplan wrote in message
>>What's a 'biro'? From context, I presume some kind of disposable pen.
>Ayup. IIRC,AITID, Biro was the surname of the Czech inventor of the ballpoint. I've heard at least one person from each of the major

ITYDon't - Laszlo Biro was in fact the Hungarian creator of the ballpoint pen, which he successfully manufactured and marketed together with his brother Algernon. He joins that long list of notables whose names have become eponymously and generically associated with their inventions, such as:

William Henry Hoover
Louis Braille
Leopold von Asphalt
Jorge Avocado
John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich
(and his cousin, the Baronet of BLT)
Candido Jacuzzi
Claude Frisbee
Etienne de Silhouette
Klaus Maria Bustenhalter
Yo-Yo Ma
Jules Leotard
The Milky Bar Kid
Kurt Kleenex
Doris Dildo
and, of course, Nils Wankel-Rotaryengine

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----Okay, I may have made one or two of those up--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 28 Apr 2002 18:34:06 GMT

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> said:
} and, of course, Nils Wankel-Rotaryengine

Thomas Crapper
Trojan Maaaaaaaan!
Rube Goldberg
Quentin Tipperman
Jacques Strappe

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies learn something new every day


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sore Loser v1.0
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 14:40:12 -0600

"Richard Wilson" said thus:
>Are you sure you're not Hook?

There once was a poster named Hook,
Who insulted and trolled by the book;
He was slammed and exposed,
Through Nobody Knows,
And is now in a rhodish-like nook.


No ...


Hook was a poster in guise,
Who hid behind textual lies,
Unveiled by the fuzz,
~steve-o it was,
Though no one was really surprised.


Not strictly true, but entertaining ...


Hook was the scourge of the sea,
Although he never happened to be,
On the ocean, that is,
Though when he took a wizz,
It's not something you wanted to see.


That didn't make any sense at all ...


Limericks are not my forte;
All the rhyming gets in the way.
The meter's all wrong,
Can't use it in song,
Where's Sara got to today?


Yes, much better.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - and not a dirty one amongst them. I must be slipping.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sore Loser v1.0
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sat, 20 Apr 2002 18:37:35 +1000

Donald Welsh wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> >Limericks are not my forte;
> >All the rhyming gets in the way.
> >The meter's all wrong,
> >Can't use it in song,
> >Where's Sara got to today?
> Limericks usually fit the tune to "Hickory Dickory Dock".
> Just had a mental image of "Ying-tong Iddle-I Po" (universal filk lyrics) sung to the tune of "Greensleeves" (universal filk tune).
> -- D. "Yiing to-ong, iddle i po, Yii-ing ton iddle i po..." W.

Oh no one knows where the Yii-ing ton goes -
Or if it's coming back -
But just in case it dare show its face -
Be ready to attack!
For a mortal foe to Rhodents
Is the dread Yiing to-ong iddle i po -
It likes to start up poker threads
And thinks "DRINK!" needs another go...

Uh-oh...

It thinks "DRINK!" needs another go...

Oh no...!

It thinks *"D R I N K!"* needs another *go*??


(G&S flavoured today)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sore Loser v1.0
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sat, 20 Apr 2002 18:36:51 +1000

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> Limericks are not my forte;
> All the rhyming gets in the way.
> The meter's all wrong,
> Can't use it in song,
> Where's Sara got to today?

Well, today I went a-sailing,
Upon an azure sea,
Pulled by my brace of dolphins
To the far isles of the Caribbee.

The sand was gold and glinting
As I neared that palm-fringed shore,
But then I saw the cannibals -
A *thousand* - maybe more...

Quick as a wink they grabbed me
And tied me to a stake.
I thought my end was nigh, my friend
When the *volcano* started to shake.

They stopped what they were doing
And looked wide-eyed with despair
Then, grabbing some comely virgins
They high-tailed it out of there.

Left all alone by the campside,
Still staked firmly to the ground,
I checked that I was still alive
Then began to look around...

I craned my neck,
I ooohed and aaahed -
- if I was a bloke
I'd have gotten hard.
For there, festooned from tree to tree
Was the most *glorious* crop
Of fine lingerie...

Bras, suspenders, the odd bustier -
The trees wore flowers of underwear.
From skintone sheer to blackest lace -
I'd found Girl-Paradise and it was *this* place.

"I *must* try some on" - "I *must* slip these ropes"
But alas my struggle proved in vain,
For just then, bearing oregano,
Came those cannibals again...


From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>

SaraM wrote:
> For just then, bearing oregano,
> Came those cannibals again...

"Dammit, get busy with eating!"
The Kitty did decry,
"I've been hanging 'round all morning,
And parts of me are dry"

So slipped her from the knots they did,
And dressed her up in lace,
Then stepped the Chieftan forward,
And sat her on his


From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>

Jason wrote:
> Then stepped the Chieftan forward,
> And sat her on his

Face to the wind the the captain stood
And surveyed the tiny isle.
"This looks a likely spot, me lads -
We'll anchor here a while!"

So to the shore the pirates came,
And a hungry lot they were -
For months they'd eaten nought but fish
Now they'd kill for a bit of fur...

They tiptoed through the palm trees,
That captain and his crew,
Till they came to a little clearing,
Where they crouched just out of view.

Now a pirate crew, you might surmise
Would have seen many things through their salt-rimed eyes
But even they were shocked that night
By the sight of poor kitty and her terrible plight.

For there, upon the table, upon a palm-leaf mat
Sad the sad-eyed kitty - a trembling little cat.
And there, rotund, before her sat the village chief,
Flicking though his recipe book, saying
"Ahh - Cat comes *after* Beef..."

Without a word but as a man
The band of pirates stood,
Then with pistols drawn and swords held high
Came crashing through the wood.

"Unhand that cat -
Get far away!"
Cats eat the rhodents -
*Not* the other way!"

The pirates roared and bellowed
And chased the natives through the trees,
But now a bigger sense of foreboding
Filled poor kitty with disease...

Alone now in the clearing,
Just the captain and the cat,
Kitty swallowed nervously
As the pirate neared and doffed his hat.

The captain bowed to the table
Where poor kitty, transfixed, shook,
As he said "Ma'am - allow me to present myself -
I'm the famous pirate,
HOOK!"



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