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2002 04 C

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hide, Hetta...
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 03:00:48 GMT

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> said:
> >Hey, I like bagpipes. Of course, there's a history of Scottish ancestry in my family.
> And right now there's a bagpiper playing in the lab down the hall. I *think* it's "Amazing Grace", but then again it's a bagpipe so who can really ever tell.
> Oh won't someone please shoot me now?
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are glad to have "Music Box Dancer" out of their heads though

Shoot, now it's in my head....being played on bagpipes!
Arrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!

--
Ken
Please make it stop!!!!!!!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hide, Hetta...
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Tue, 23 Apr 2002 11:05:38 GMT

Linsley wrote:
>A set of bagpipes has several pipes of fixed pitch - the drones - and one pipe with finger holes that plays a melody - the chanter. There is probably provision for tuning the drones, but no mechanism for changing the pitch while playing; the piper has both hands occupied fingering the chanter.

He'll never get the pajamas off that way.

>No, I don't play the bagpipes, but I have, uh, observed them being played on a few occasions.

TIAUPTIHNHOB.


From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>

> the piper has both hands occupied fingering the chanter.

So what's he play the bagpipes with?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies prefer moans to drones


From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> said:
> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>> So what's he play the bagpipes with?
>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies prefer moans to drones
> And the octopus said, "Fight it? As soon as I get its pyjamas off I'm going to [deleted]"

Is there an echo in this thread? : )

> Sorry, wrong joke.

Is there ever really a wrong time to say "fuck the bagpipes!"?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think they should get laid...to rest


From: LostJonny <jnoXbuXg.no.way>

Dan and his bright red Siamese fighting fishie wrote:
> The guy down the hall doesn't have any drones, as they are (he says) quite expensive. Probably liability insurance for the company. Ack Shirley, his doesn't even have a blowpipe (he's got a bellows under the other arm to "recharge" the main bag).
> Still sounds like a bagpipe, though.

This would be the Irish or Uilean pipes, a close relative of the Scottish bagpipes. Another, similar type are the Gallicean pipes, but I believe that they've been outlawed by UN accords.

LJ
"Ach, Ah've been a playin' a lullabye fehr a solid hour, but the wee laddie still will nae fall asleep." - The World According to J. Wesley Smith


From: Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org>

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
; Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> said:
; >Hey, I like bagpipes. Of course, there's a history of Scottish ancestry in my family.
; And right now there's a bagpiper playing in the lab down the hall. I *think* it's "Amazing Grace", but then again it's a bagpipe so who can really ever tell.
; Oh won't someone please shoot me now?

Wrong target. Shoot the bagpipe.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hide, Hetta...
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 20 Apr 2002 18:03:15 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> said:
> davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>> Ken Adams <kmadams85.spamcop.net> wrote:
>>> We don't need to kill you. Your karma is now such that your next ten lives will end as haggis.
>>Respectfully, perhaps:
>>s/as/due to/
>>?
> For his next lives to end as haggis, he has to be reincarnated as sheep.

*Now* we're talkin' bad-karma punishment.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies love ewe


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hide, Hetta...
From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 12:30:20 GMT

Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> writes:
> Have you ever had "Rock and Roll All Night" by KISS stuck in your head? You just think it's the long version.

I do now, YFF.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hide, Hetta...
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2002 16:42:25 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>I disagree - "bugger" is a perfectly good verb.

I'm leaving before it becomes compulsory.

>Screwtape,
>...hoping "bugger all" isn't an imperative.

bugger -rf *

-- D. "Oops." W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Melbourne called, they want their weather back
From: TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au>
Date: 17 Apr 2002 04:05:12 GMT

Jim Evans wrote:
> Beginning of the month, we here in Ottawa had freezing rain. There was snow on the ground. If the thermometer hit +5 C, old men would strip down to their waists and declare that it was a balmy day.
> Today's high in Ottawa - popularly known to be the snowiest world capital after Ulaan Baator - was 29 C, expected to repeat tomorrow. Twenty nine degrees Celsius, in April. Edmonton had snow today.

So you did steal our weather, didn't you?


Axially, We had a freezing and wet summer, and it didn't start getting warm, nay hot, until March. And now it is almost over again, 1 month later. Suits me fine, except the constant rain.

> If anyone wants me, I'll be out back spraying down the camel.

Bloody SUV camels. Think they are cool because they look like they can occasionally go off-road and get a little muddy, when in reality, you just splattered a bit of your backyard over it, didn't you, JIM?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Melbourne called, they want their weather back
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2002 09:16:44 +0100

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> writes
>If anyone wants me, I'll be out back spraying down the camel.

Could you kindly ROT13 this kind of smut before you post it to a family newsfroup?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*-Who approves of neither Muffin the Mule nor Dobbin the Donkey--


From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>

Also Sprach Daniel E. Macks:
> > --*-Who approves of neither Muffin the Mule nor Dobbin the Donkey--
> What about Blitzen the Reindeer?

Noggin the Nog and Chicken Licken?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stupid slogan
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 2002 17:46:30 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Donald Welsh')...done.
>I snagged a free card holder. The slogan says, "It's a dog eat dog world. Get a pit bull."
>What dumb advice. Get a golden retriever. They'll eat anything.

Or if you want to be absolutely assured of your place in the world, get a hot-dog.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stupid slogan
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 2002 21:27:07 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Donald Welsh')...done.
> st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>>| "I've got this brilliant idea but I don't know where it is." -- Beth Allen
>I *so* want to duct-tape her to the ceiling.

I got a new Beth Quote yesterday.

--
___________ ____________________________
| Screwtape | Reply-To: munged on Usenet |________ ______ ____ __ _ _ _
|
| "I'm so inspired, I can't walk in a straight line!" -- Beth Allen


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Anti-anti-popup tech in use
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 20 Apr 2002 01:38:51 -0400

Comrade Nick Johnson wrote:
> > I've identified two sites already, my bank's and SciFi's page.
> Your _bank_ displays popup adverts?
> Doesn't that bother you at all? Your banks site is supposed to be there to provide services to their current and prospective customers, not to make a few extra bucks from popup adverts.

Your words are English but they make no sense.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A sure sign you've been on-line too long...
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 2002 03:06:32 GMT

"Bugrrit" <Igor.stenchorama.cm> wrote:
> "Viki" scribbled on a piece of paper:
> > "Andrew Comeau" wrote in message
> > > "Bugrrit" wrote in message
> > > > "Andrew Comeau" scribbled senseless...
> > > > > http://www.mamselle.ca/error.html
> > > > > Here's one to add to the 404 collection...
> > > > That's not fair. The hyperlinks in that text are not clickable, that's against regulations!!
> > > I looked at the link Screwtape posted and it was funny but when I saw the javascript links, I wasn't brave enough to click them, anyway. It doesn't matter that I know I'm being paranoid ... that's just the way it is.
> > > > I'm one click away from sending this page to the proper authority's who will duefully handle this. Does anyone know what to do about a broken capslock key? I feel a bit naked...
> > > That's okay ... it's believed in some quarters that a significant percentage of RHODites read and post in the nude, anyway ....
> > > Andrew "... or various stages, thereof"
> > NNTAWWT, OC.
> > Viki, wearing nothing but a smile...
> This is not funny. Instead of looking dazed behind my keyboard and eyeing around suspiciously whether the webcam is still recording I am completely blanked out: What in Brian's name does this "NNTAWWT, OC" mean??

No Need To Assume We Wear Ties, Of Course
Nearly Nekkid Typists And Wood Wanker's Team, Open Class
Nude Newsgroup Takes Away Wonder. With Time, Oraclular Clarity

> If it is Navajo code I'll give in and know it's all Canada's fault...

Conditional statements are not required, just blame Cananananada automatically.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A sure sign you've been on-line too long...
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 2002 09:26:19 +0100

Andrew Comeau <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com> writes
>That's okay ... it's believed in some quarters that a significant percentage of RHODites read and post in the nude, anyway ....

Hey, keep your scurrilous innuendo to yourself! I'll have you know I'm fully dressed in a nice Laura Ashley print frock, matching bra and pan--

Mmmnope, nude as a coot. Yeh, that's me, totally starkers. Al fresco. Hello, fellow nudies.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*----That's short for .NAKEDmolerat.demon.co.uk, see, see?--


From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>

>Mmmnope, nude as a coot. Yeh, that's me, totally starkers. Al fresco.

I forgot to mention - not that old timers need any reminding - that Al Fresco was, of course, Gasping Pterodactyl's manager during the early stages of their career.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*---Recycling old in-jokes to save the environment--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Last Days of Freedom
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 22 Apr 2002 11:14:36 +0100

Whizzed off for a brief trip around East Anglia, probably our last chance to go anywhere before I return to the daily grind[1]. Suffolk is kind of a wealthy area. Our last night was spent in a bed-and-breakfast which was actually a stately home, operated by the wife of a Conservative Member of Parliament. One of the books in the bedroom (Tudor 4-poster bed) was an autographed personal present from Norma Major[2]. Breakfast was placed in heated containers along the side of the oak-panelled dining room, in a P G Wodehouse sort of way (all that was needed was a pair of sundered hearts, pointedly ignoring each other whilst intermittently pronging moody forkfuls). Our hostess spent a lot of time in the kitchen talking to a man who, in a muddle of literary references, I judged to be the local Mellors. Actually, she was a very charming lady, but I don't have a lot of experience with encountering the privileged classes, which made me a tad uncomfortable.

Me:
Must... not... mention... fox... hunting... Must... not... mention... fox... hunting...

Hostess:
The countryside is lovely around here, isn't it?

Me:
Yeah, and I suppose you get to see plenty of it, astride some bloody great horse chasing a poor little fox all over some hapless farmer's land with the rest of your toffee-nosed, inbred cronies! And how do you justify this barbaric hangover from our semi-civilised past, eh? You claim foxes are vermin and anyway they enjoy it! Well, excuse me, but I don't think it's our place in the great cosmic scheme of things to make sure vermin enjoy themselves, okay? What next - raves for rats? Bingo drives for cockroaches? ("And the next number is... legs-33"[3].) If you ask me, fox hunting ought to be banned forthwith to ensure the vermin have a bloody miserable time of it, and they won't know what to do with themselves as they slouch on the sofa, bored out of their tiny little skulls, watching endless bloody episodes of "Emmerdale" and hoping against hope that a pack of rabid hounds would burst in and tear them limb from limb, just to add a bit of colour to their lives! And I may or may not be talking about the foxes here! Anyway, that's my opinion on the matter.

Hostess:
More warfarin with your kedgeree?


[1] Suggestiveness intended but entirely gratuitous.

[2] Don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out who Norma Major is supposed to be. Few enough people, even in this country, can now recall her husband John[4].

[3] Bingo-entomology crossover gag. Try not to worry too much if you don't get it.

[4] John Major, the Jimmy Carter of Britpolitics, is now mainly remembered for the great Dan Quayle-like crack, "When my back's to the wall, that's when I turn around and start fighting".

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----When _my_ back's to the wall, that's when my--
--*-----*--*----*----fancy lightly turns to Peter Mandelson jokes--


From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>

> Me: Must... not... mention... fox... hunting... Must... not... mention... fox... hunting...
> Hostess: The countryside is lovely around here, isn't it?

In fairness, Richard, you must admit that she took your advice and did not mention fox hunting.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A link for your clicking enjoyment
From: vvidt.netscape.net (Viki)
Date: 25 Apr 2002 06:21:53 -0700

"Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net> wrote
> > > Life was always interesting in Jim Traficant country.
> > You've been keeping up with that story, then? Facinating.
> Yepper....how do you expect a jury to acquit you after spending days acting like a loon in front of them?

I need to copy this down and include it in letters to my clients. Thanks. Succinct and to the point.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A link for your clicking enjoyment
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2002 08:43:48 -0600

Viki wrote:
>Viki, who has far too many DUI/DUS clients, thankyouverymuch

I know what a DUI is, but a DUS?

Driving Under Subways? Yes, I could see the problem there.

Driving Under Superman? Arrest Metropolis!

Dunking Underwear in Suds? It's illegal to do laundry in three states, you know.

Deviant Underworld Sexuality? Those mobsters are a kinky lot ...

Dangerous Undulating Scones? When breakfast goes bad.

Defiling Unique Scimitars? Those museums always press charges ...


Perhaps I'd best stop guessing before you folks begin to understand me a bit *too* well.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - stop me before I strike again!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A link for your clicking enjoyment
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 29 Apr 2002 20:45:36 GMT

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
> pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>> Viki wrote:
>> >pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>> >> Viki wrote:
>> >> >Viki, who has far too many DUI/DUS clients, thankyouverymuch
>> >> I know what a DUI is, but a DUS?
>> >Driving under Suspension.
>> Well, that makes sense. Bridges are meant to be driven upon, not necessarily from under. I can imagine there are a few disturbing the peace charges to go along with that, as well.
> But you're *supposed* to drive under the *suspension*! That's the bit with all the cables 'n' towers 'n' stuff that floats magically above the roadway. You're not supposed to drive *on* the suspension, but on the roady bit that's below it!

Pansy.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like roller coasters


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Around the World in 80 Ways
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Tue, 23 Apr 2002 10:55:06 -0600

1. Airplane
2. Boat
3. Space Shuttle
4. Really big cannon
5. Vespa
6. Swimming
7. Flapping arms really hard
8. Hopping on one foot
9. Rollerskates
10. Segway
11.

From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
>10. Segway
11. Balloon
12. "Fastest Draw in the West"
13. Internet
14. Usenet
15. Telepathy
16. Jetpack
17. Walking
18. Elephant
19. Whale
20. Einstien-Rosen Bridge
21. Book
22. Magnet
23.

From: "Nick Johnson" <arachnid.no.spam.mad.scientist.com>
> 22. Magnet
23. Amphibious Car
24. (Long) Hard Drive
25. Horse
26. Phone
27. Extradite
28. Extra-terrestrial
29. Extra-heavy-duty battery
30. Terraserver
31. Crawling
32. Piggyback
33. Viral infection

From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
> 33. Viral infection
34. Submarine
35. Hovercraft
36. Raft
37. Bicycle
38. Tricycle
39. Unicycle
40. FedEx
41. Flagellum
42. Pseudopod
43. Psilocybin
44. Cypher
45.

From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
> 44. Cypher
45. Bouncing off the ionosphere
46. Yogic flying
47. Canoe
48. Camel
49. Trebuchet
50. Pogo stick
51. Roadie for David Hasselhoff
52. De Broglie board
53. Reindeer-driven sleigh
54. Witness protection program
55.

From: TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au>
> 54. Witness protection program
55. Plate techtonics
56. Tachyons
57. ICBM
58. Rolling soccer ball
59. Quantum entanglement
60. Comet tail
61. Catching a "superluminal" jet from a star burst galaxy
62. Exploitation of the casimir effect/Cosmological constant
63. Cat
64. Hanging onto a helicopter munching gum-leaves
65.

From: Hetta <hetta.saunalahti.fi>
> 54. Witness protection program
55. Harley Davidson
56. Beans
57. Tibetan tunnels
58. Stratospheric winds
59. Stepping discs
60. Transfer booths
61. Ropewalking (on circumfence)
62. Space station
63. Moonwalking
64. Sunwalking

From: sid.siddhartha.8m.com (Sid)
> 64. Sunwalking
65. Crawling
66. Dope
67. Cows
66. Cows on dope
67. Firecracker
68. Rolling
69. Heheh. He said 69
70. Telegraph poles

From: LostJonny <jnoXbuXg.no.way>
> 70. Telegraph poles
71. Ballista
72. Tunnel Diode
73. Dreaming
74. Recumbant
75. Wormhole
76. Glory Hole

From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
>75. Wormhole

Oh, I'm sorry, but Einstien-Rosen Bridge has already been said. Your
further entry has thus been revised:

>75. Glory Hole
76. Bad news
77. Urban Legend
78. Hitchhiking
79. Tunnel through to the other side, then come back

And, finally, to the relief of all involved, especially since there's that guy over there who was going to say something related to sheep and jumper cables:

80. 1776


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Around the World in 80 Ways
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 2002 00:56:01 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Viki')...done.
>st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>> m_init(): spawning followupTo('pieceoftheuniverse')...done.
>> > Screwtape wrote:
>> >>/me thinks Happy Thoughts about the first group of pants in orbit.
>> >Everyone else is thinking it, so I might as well say it: "In space, no one can hear you pant."
>> Actually, I was going to call it "the pants shot 'round the world", but yours is good too.

http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/shuttle/reference/shutref/crew/apparel.html

Verily, I say unto thee:
# On orbit, optional clothing and equipment include underwear,

That's *optional*?

# urine collection devices,

I don't know if that should be optional or not, but I'm scared at the idea of astronauts floating around wearing them.

# eyeglasses, communications headset,

Fair enough.

# emesis bag,

At a rough guess, that belongs in the same category as "urine collection devices".

# flashlight, Swiss army knife,

So they're trapped in a cramped, stressful environment, and they've all got knives. Where's the reality-TV camera crew?

# kneeboard,

Hello! This is MICROGRAVITY! You can't KNEEL on ANYTHING!

# pens and pencils, stowage bags,

Now *there's* a fashion accessory.

# watches and food and drink containers.

I really, *really* don't want to know where they wear the food and drink containers. :(

>Silly boys.

Damn right.

Screwtape,
...POTUIMH.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Around the World in 80 Ways
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 2002 10:05:26 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Verily, I say unto thee:
># On orbit, optional clothing and equipment include underwear,
>That's *optional*?

But those lacy unmentionables *chafe* so on those long missions. That's why we have Teflon(R). Yes, Teflon(R) undies, guaranteed *not* to get skiddies!

># urine collection devices,
>I don't know if that should be optional or not, but I'm scared at the idea of astronauts floating around wearing them.

Better than the alternative.

You know what happens to liquids in zero-G, right? They float around in globs until they contact a solid object, then surface tension takes over. Stuff flows everywhere. Nasty.

The dialogue would be all to familiar: "But I told you to go before we left! Now you'll just have to hold it in!"

Later, "Are we there yet?" "No!" "But I *really* need to go!"

Later, "Couldn't we just pull over and I could do it behind an asteroid?"

Much later, "Alright! You made the mess, *you* clean it up!"

># eyeglasses, communications headset,
>Fair enough.

Can you imagine explaining that to the librarian? "Yes, I know it's overdue. I, uh, didn't bring my reading glasses, and I was on this long space mission..." Yeah right.

># emesis bag,
>At a rough guess, that belongs in the same category as "urine collection devices".

Indeedily-doodily. Can't you just picture it: "Didn't you bring it?" "No, I thought you brought it!" "Well, too late to go back now."

BTW, I figure this is how one of the Passover traditions started. "Did you remember to pack the leaven?" "Oy, I thought *you* did that!"

># flashlight, Swiss army knife,

They'd need the flashlights if the lights went out, right? Why would that happen? "Okay, guys, I have to suit up for an EVA to replace a blown fuse." Or maybe this: "Everybody, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there's no power for lights or life support. Try not to breathe until we make a successful re-entry. The good news is I brought a guitar! Let's have some music! No, no singing along."

># kneeboard,
>Hello! This is MICROGRAVITY! You can't KNEEL on ANYTHING!

Thank you, M-x yow. Duly noted and sigged.

># pens and pencils, stowage bags,

I think they mean the mesh things you hang on the wall to put your toys in when playtime is over.

># watches and food and drink containers.
>I really, *really* don't want to know where they wear the food and drink containers. :(
>>Silly boys.

Tricks are for "Jane".

>Damn right.

Only left turns?

>Screwtape,
>...POTUIMH.

-- D. "Space is big / Space is dark / It's hard to find / A place to park." W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Around the World in 80 Ways
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 2002 09:12:54 -0600

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>Donald Welsh wrote:
>; They'd need the flashlights if the lights went out, right? Why would that happen? "Okay, guys, I have to suit up for an EVA to replace a blown fuse." Or maybe this: "Everybody, I have some bad news and some
>Ackshirly, it's the space program that gave us the circuit breaker.

Don't be silly. Everyone knows fuses don't work in space.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - how else do you explain Star Trek?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Around the World in 80 Ways
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 2002 21:25:35 -0600

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Screwtape said:
> ; http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/shuttle/reference/shutref/crew/apparel.html
> You missed something important:
> | During launch and entry, ... anti-exposure, anti-gravity suit
> If NASA has developed anti-gravity, why not full gravity control, so the residents of the space station don't have to be weightless? Why bother with rockets for launch if they've got anti-gravity? They could just float the rockets up!

Lots of campaign donations from the rocket-fuel manufacturer's association. Those bastards have suppressed anti-grav devices for years.



Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Around the World in 80 Ways
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 2002 09:17:16 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> writes
> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have the strongest "jet-pack", milligram for milligram, of any creature in the universe
>So when given head, they're blown out of the water?

A reinforcing image I didn't need so soon after hearing Billy Connelly enunciate his fears concerning women who misunderstand the basic premise of giving blow jobs.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*--"Aaarrghhh! You've burst m'scrotum!"--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Speeding cars
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 2002 13:27:54 -0600

Hetta wrote:
<snip some storytellin'>
>My car does actually go up to 200 km/h on the speedometer, but I haven't tried to go much over 130 km/h. I'm not sure it'd stay in one piece if I did...

Well, it might ...

I had an '88 Oldsmobile, six cylinder, and one day I noticed, as you did, that my speedometer went all the way up to one-eighty (mph, that is. That's, what, two-fifty kph?) So I floored it, and actually *passed* the one-eighty marker -- needle firmly embedded in my thigh -- for about five minutes, at which point I decided that was quite enough excitement for my vehicle for one day, and it was time to reach some sort of sensible velocity.

For quite a few days afterwards, though, that car would *vroom* if I put my foot on the gas just a little; she had gotten a taste of power, and wanted more.

Then I lost her. Pity. I still miss that car, even if she did start to give me trouble towards the end.

>Anyway, I was thinking that a Porsche can go 300 km/h and still stay on the ground if the driver is somewhat round.

Well, it has less to do with weight and more to do with the shape of the car (think airplanes: big weight, but shaped just right). Automobiles are specifically designed to try to stay close to the ground at high speeds, kind of like a reverse airplane wing.

>If it's a lightweight that speed might be somewhat risky, eh?

Oh, yes. Far too many racecar drivers have found that out the hard way.

>That'd be the 78th way to go around the world.

Well, 81st, anyway.

Unfortunately, cars don't fair too well in the air. They lose all their acceleration, begin losing velocity, start tipping (usually towards the driver's side, especially if that's the only passenger), and *wham*, people pate.

But strap some wings onto her, give her some good, solid thrust, and, well, now you've got an airplane.

This, naturally, puts a bit of a crimp in the "Back to the Future" idea, where all you need is an anti-grav system. Great, but how do you steer? *I* didn't see any thrusters on the Delorean, much less flaps ...

I know, I know; I'm overthinking again.

>Hetta (From 1 to 100 km/h in the VW? Five minutes flat, is my guess.)

Five minutes? You got a Model T engine under that hood?

Seriously, though, I would think the acceleration would rarely be above two minutes unless you're carrying a lot of weight around. Even a semi has a better acceleration curve than that, though it may not seem like it at times.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - by the way: Utah is the land of the Speed Demons. Slowpokes take note.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Speeding cars
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 2002 21:28:55 -0600

"Nassif!!" <nassifspamless.mindspring.com> wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> > Jason wrote:
> > ; Yup. And the faster they go, the more tightly engineered they have to be. And then you have to start adding pieces to make it stay down. Spoilers are always a popular choice.
> > On performance cars. Hence the term "spoil-sport".
> Most of the spoilers I've seen are on cars that have little chance of getting anything out of their aerodynamic configuration, barring the addition of a JATO unit in the propulsion arena.

So what was your point, again? The Darwin awards are increasingly competetive.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Call me "Master"
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2002 09:38:34 -0600

"Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net> wrote:
> "Tom Harrington" <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> > "~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> wrote:
> > > Tom Harrington wrote:
> > > > I finally did it: After ten years in grad school, today was the defense for my master's degree in computer science.
> > > Is this anything like a defense for a Tai Kwon Doe belt? How many computer science ninjas did you have to fight off?
> > Only three. Fortunately the department secretary made a mistake in posting the announcement, so nobody else knew when it was happening.
> And how much did that cost you?

Try to keep up, Ken. As a supermodel, people just do this kind of thing for me.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Call me "Master"
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 2002 01:56:06 GMT

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
> > "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net> wrote:
> >> > Try to keep up, Ken. As a supermodel, people just do this kind of thing for me.
> >> I hate you. You and all your self-obsessed, anorexic ilk. Supermodels are nothing more than fake plastic mock-ups trying to look vaguely human. You disgust me, with your pseudo-sultry look and that little strut down the runway. If my daughter ever told me she wanted to be a supermodel, I'd build a time machine just to go back and slap her mother.
> > The thing is, I'm apparently not only a super model, but also both a teletubby and a fish. I learn so much about myself by reading RHOD.
> >> BTW, can I have your autograph? It's for my kids, you know.
> > Have them draw a picture of a supermodel/fish/teletubby, send it to me, and I'll sign it for them.
> Supertelefishy?

Oww! Ear worm! Must ... resist....arrgghhh!

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

Supertelefishymodelwearingatightcorset.
Strutting through a fashion show, designers have endorsed it.
If you lace it tight enough,
You'll squish your fins of course, twit!
Supertelefishymodelwearingatightcorset.

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Call me "Master"
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 29 Apr 2002 22:12:57 GMT

Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> said:
> TimC wrote:
>> Ever that that a bachelor in arts should be called "BS"?
>> Sydney university CS department has now been renames SchIT, officially, even.
> I graduated from the University of Houston Clear Lake (UHCL) and for some time they seriously considered a rename -- to Clear Lake Institute of Technology. Thankfully, someone pointed out what that would mean in street jargon, and they killed the idea.

Would it be considered discrimination to build a school that 90% of the male students couldn't even find?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies keep visiting random neighbors


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Call me "Master"
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 2002 08:38:07 -0600

Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
>I finally did it: After ten years in grad school, today was the defense for my master's degree in computer science. They liked it! They even signed off on it, with no required changes!

Naturally I started thinking: what were the *unrequired* [1] changes?

"Mr Harrington, you've misspelled 'computer' several times ..."

"What's all this about an Internet Oracle?" <ZOT>

"Despite your proof to the contrary, computers are not run by little elves who live inside the processor. Okay, okay, stop crying ..."

"I'm impressed you fit your thesis on the head of a pin, but you are no longer allowed use of the school laser for such frivolous creations."

"You submitted your paper in *binary*?!"

"Very funny, Mr Harrington. Now hack right back into my bank and turn my account back on."

>Woo hoo, I'm done!

Now you can get down to your one true love: LAN Parties.

>p.s. Anyone not congratulating me will have the thesis paper inflicted upon them. :-)

Despite the fact that I would like to see it anyway?

Oh, that's all right; I never got to see JIM's, so why should I see yours?

Congrats!

--
pieceoftheuniverse - not a university student, but in an incredible simulation.

[1] My spellchecker insisted this was "unrequited." Apparently it has been snubbed by theses in the past.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Call me "Master"
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2002 09:27:12 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>Comrade pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>> Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
>> >p.s. Anyone not congratulating me will have the thesis paper inflicted upon them. :-)
>> Despite the fact that I would like to see it anyway? Oh, that's all right; I never got to see JIM's, so why should I see yours?
>One of these days I'll convert it to a PDF; *then* you'll be sorry!

You could scan it and convert it into an animated GIF.

-- D. "Or HTML encased in <BLINK> tags. Now you see it, " W.



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