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2002 04 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: vvidt.netscape.net (Viki)
Date: 2 Apr 2002 06:32:33 -0800

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> Ian Davis said:
> > vvidt.netscape.net (Viki) wrote:
> >> My widdle rhodents are all growing up...
> >ObOzRef: "widdle" is Australian vernacular for "urinate."

No need to get all pissy about it, now, is there.

> So your point, then, is that Viki is not only being succinct, but completely accurate?

I usually think that I am but am usually disavowed of that notion by days end.

> Hey, that's not like the Viki we know and love at all!

Right.

> She's an impostor! Get her, men!

If you get my men, please, don't hurt them. I'll need them at some point.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 13:41:52 +1000

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> Daniel E. Macks said:
> >Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> said:
> >>Tim Chew wrote:
> >>> If we get three more takers, we'll be able to qualify for group rates at the hotel.
> >>That statement alone may be enough to entice several more people to attend.
> >Maybe it should be moved to St. Louis?
> > http://home.post-dispatch.com/...OpenDocument
> No; if we hold it there, DMP will be sure to show up.
> And think about it: would you *really* want to see him in person?
> >dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if Jo is a ho
> --
> pieceoftheuniverse - I didn't know it was possible to blow fish.

Well - it makes a nice change from seals...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More yahoo dumbness
From: Charles A Lieberman <calieber.bigfoot.com>
Date: Mon, 01 Apr 2002 18:16:26 -0500

Kenneth Brody <kenbrody.spamcop.net> wrote:
> And clicking on the "opt-out" link does nothing but bring you to a page that says you've opted out. It does not attempt to set a cookie on your system to record that fact that you've opted out.

Otherwise they'd be watching me and writing down that I told them not to watch me and write stuff down


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More yahoo dumbness
From: surfbaud.allyourclothes.waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)
Date: Tue, 02 Apr 2002 09:24:55 +0100

Hetta <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>It's not a problem with pop mail pickup and text-only news programs, of course, but what about the poor suckers who use OE and similar?

Let them collect their marketing information only on the great unwashed? That's the kind of thinking that led to the cancellation of Family Guy.

In fact, we should be urging the herd to opt-out while we opt-in. Then laugh as the superstars of the WWF stage an impromptu performance of Bizet's Carmen.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dark red gooey liquidy stuff
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 05 Apr 2002 14:17:27 +1000

LostJonny wrote:
> "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net> wrote:
> > "Nassif!!" <nassifspamless.mindspring.com> wrote:
> >> Donald Welsh wrote:
> >> > Charles A Lieberman <calieber.bigfoot.com> wrote:
> >> > > pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> >> > >> Jeffrey Kaplan said:
> >> > >> >It's rumored that TimC said:
> >> > >> >; I *so* want to declare my love for sweet sweet port.
> >> > >> >Oh. I thought you were going to talk about blood.
> >> > >> You're lucky. I parsed that as "sweet sweet porn," and I was trying to imagine what the dark red gooey liquidy stuff could be ...
> >> > >I thought I was the only one!
> >> > It's red candle wax.
> >> It's frosting.
> > It's a dessert topping!
> It's a floor wax!

Gee - I can't believe it's not butter.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dark red gooey liquidy stuff
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2002 18:20:27 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> writes
>Richard Fitzpatrick said:
>>Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti thinks British TV comedy died with Mr Hill.
>...'s birth. [1]
>--
>pieceoftheuniverse - I've never liked slapstick.

This reminds me of conversations had in Holland.

Dutch Person: I just love your British humour. It's so wry and sophisticated, so very subtle.

Me: What do you like in particular?

DP: Benny Hill.

Dutch TV tried to show "Yes, Minister", as it combined their 2 greatest loves (politics and British humour), but had to give up after a couple of episodes because the subtitles filled the screen.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*--Look, "The Fast Show" and "League of Gentlemen"--
--*-----*--*----*---are produced by a bunch of foreigners, okay?---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More Quiz things
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Tue, 02 Apr 2002 06:10:09 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> Timothy W Chew said:
> >I guess this would make more sense if you had actually attended NCSU, but there are links to other quizzes at the end.
> > http://www4.ncsu.edu/~kfkrayer/quiz/ncsu.html
> Curse you, Chew, curse you down to the deepest bowels of Hades.
> I tried out the "Which Boy Band Are You," and came up with the worst possible answer:
> N*Sync.
> Gah.

I think you may be predicating this feeling on the mistaken notion that any of the other answers are better.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oh, the irony!
From: vvidt.netscape.net (Viki)
Date: 1 Apr 2002 05:57:46 -0800

"Teh (t?p?" <lanzkron.fastmail.fm> wrote:
> Hetta wrote:
> >LostJonny <jnoXbuXg.visi.com> wrote:
> >> dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> >> > "Lord Insidious, World Dominator" wrote:
> >> >>Sorry, my girlfriend reads RHOD over my shoulder.
> >> > There's a position you won't find the the Kama Sutra.
> >> It is, however, on page 43 of the RHODa Sutra.
> >Well, yes, but that's pretty much a virtual document, with next to no ties to reality.
> Which leads to the age old question: what's better? Ties to reality or hand-cuffs to bed posts?

I can't believe that you had to even ASK that question. Sheesh.

Viki, who has always preferred silk scarves, however


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Additional Important News
From: sid.siddhartha.8m.com (Sid)
Date: 1 Apr 2002 11:25:30 -0800

vvidt.netscape.net (Viki) wrote:
> "Nassif!!" <nassifspamless.mindspring.com> wrote:
> > Viki wrote:
> > > Viki, who's children are aged 15, 11, and 9, and don't like to cuddle anymore [not with Mom anyways and no I won't think about that right now]
> > Heh... things to look forward to, huh.
> > Cuddling is pretty much all he's cut out for right now, although pooping and peeing are starting to show up on the list. I bet you're happy to be out of that phase.
> > Nassif!!
> > Whose dark brown siamese fighting ferrets wish the dog were'nt so interested in the Diaper Champ®.
> It is very nice when they start to take care of their own personal hygiene, yes. Then again, it's a worry about do they wash *enough* or rinse *enough* and what the hell is my son doing in that shower for so long every day and omigodidon'twanttothinkaboutthat.... : )

*Camera cuts to the bathroom*

Viki's Son: "*EVIL LAUGHTER* Today my shower-head thermo-nuclear device will be ready. The World will bow before me. *MORE EVIL LAUGHTER*"

*FIZZZ*

"Damn! Stupid matches keep getting extinguished."

Sid


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sugary
From: vvidt.netscape.net (Viki)
Date: 3 Apr 2002 10:55:41 -0800

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> vvidt.netscape.net (Viki) wrote:
> >They have sex on the internet? Who'da thunk it.
> Well, we would, but I keep falling off.

That damn trapeze should have a seat belt, huh.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sugary
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 3 Apr 2002 19:59:35 GMT

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
> They have sex on the internet? Who'da thunk it.

Finally--a place where going "ping" in 45 microseconds is good!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies call him "Mr. Microwave"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Godel Escher Bach
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 02 Apr 2002 09:21:08 +1100

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies finally understand why all those PETA folks are protesting at their colo

...pation?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Surgery
From: Rhodnius <erik.SPAMFILTER-dos486.com>
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 01:19:45 GMT

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>>>I think you'd find that once you add the Swiss cheese, you've left the realm of kosher, anyway. You can't mix meat and dairy on the same plate. I (perhaps foolishly) assume for the purposes of a sandwich, bread is the equivalent of plate. 3 reasons I'm glad I don't keep kosher are proper Reubens, cheeseburgers, and blue crabs steamed in Old Bay.
>> Rubens aren't kosher, but the ones made with corned beef are at least correct. My girlfriend likes rubens; most kosher delis will omit the cheese and put the Russian dressing on the side, so they can pretend it didn't happen.
>*thinking*...um...what's wrong with putting russian dressing on meat?

Nothing. Especially if the russian is Anna Kournikova...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Surgery
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2002 18:12:15 +0100

Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> writes
>TimC wrote ...
>>Of course, IRTA "just under the scrotum".
>No, that was me - just before, during and very shortly after Christmas.

Interesting choice of Christmas present.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---"Darling, when I said we needed some balls for the tree..."--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Surgery
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 9 Apr 2002 22:12:31 GMT

Jim Menard <jimm.io.com> said:
> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> writes:
>> Life's far too short to have pure unadulterated emotions. If you don't have emotional conflicts at least twice a week, you'll never get through them all.
> EMOTION CONFLICT AT 0x03FF. REPOSITION JUMPER J3 ON ONE EMOTION BORD TO AVOID THIS CONFLICT.
> Jim "Can't wait for plug-n-play emotions" Menard

I thought that's the kind we were talking about in the first place.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies thought the whole froup is adult-rated


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: San Francisco
From: Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 16:07:48 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick said:
; Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti has plenty of memories of SF - including why the streets supposedly don't have white lines on them.

Because they kept getting snorted?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DRINK!
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 02 Apr 2002 23:33:31 -0500

Comrade Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Lord Insidious, World Dominator <calieber.bigfoot.com> said:
> > Have a heart, folks, some of us are trying to observe Passover here.
> My boss just canceled our weekly meeting, on account of that he couldn't deal with sitting there watching my lab-mates eat donuts for three hours.
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies need their powdered-sugar fix

He could still lick the sugar/glaze off and then put the doughnut back, though, right?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DRINK!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Tue, 02 Apr 2002 18:54:15 GMT

"Lord Insidious, World Dominator" <calieber.bigfoot.com> wrote:
>Have a heart, folks, some of us are trying to observe Passover here.

I've been watching it all day, and it hasn't moved yet.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Determinate URL (I need help)
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 02 Apr 2002 15:25:26 -0700

Lord Insidious, World Dominator said:
>Go over to <http://calieber.tripod.com/home.html>[1], watch it load, and tell me if you notice anything odd. Don't worry, no weird faces will suddenly appear screaming on your screen.

Nope, just text. Well, and images. And the background.

>What I'm specifically referring to is, if "the page or file that you're looking for is not here," how come Netscape was briefly able to read the <head>...</head> bit?

Odd, indeed. I'm seeing the page, but then I've got Netscape 6.2. Maybe it's time for you to upgrade?

>Indeed, all *indirect* methods of seeing if it's there -- FTP, Tripod's "FileManager" thing -- show it's there, it's only actually trying to go to the URL that brings disaster.

I'm thinking maybe it has something to do with the actual HTML in and of itself, but I'm no expert; hell, for all intents and purposes I'm still using the 3.0 WC3 standard (with only hints of 4.01, and don't even talk to me about cascade sheets). You're better off asking alt.html.

My best guess? Aliens have invaded your computer. You need to call the Men in Black to flush them out, preferably with high voltage. If you don't have the MiB number on file (who does?), then slowly disassemble your computer, place all pieces in a 5"x13" pan (well greased) and bake at four hundred degrees for fifteen minutes. Sprinkle with cheese and serve; will feed a family of four (families of two will need to use laptops).

>I'm befuddled.

Same here. I heartily suggest hitting your computer on the nose with a newspaper and saying "bad" in a variety of scorning tones.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got ...unlaid?...
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgray2.kc.rr.com>
Date: Thu, 04 Apr 2002 00:51:21 GMT

Tom "Tom" Harrington said:
> Plus, hmm, 21 days and counting now for my master's degree thesis defense. I've been in grad school for a little over ten years now, apparently I just needed some time off of work to finish.

If you need help in defending your thesis, Hippie and I are proficient in the use of all manner of swords, and can probably bodge together a nice trebuchet. I've a nice scimitar all ready. Hippie has a really cool broadsword, and there are a couple of claymores lying around. I bet none of those pesky academics can trump that.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got ...unlaid?...
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 04:11:17 +1000

Nassif!! wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> > SaraM said:
> > >pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> > >> SaraM said:
> > >> >Donald Welsh wrote:
> > >> >> SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> > >> >> >Viki wrote:
> > >> >> >> "~Steve-o" wrote:
> > >> >> >> > Viki wrote:
> > >> >> >> > > Theoretical Viki
> > >> >> >> > Only in theory. In reality she's Vic Tayback.
> > >> >> >> And you, sir, can kiss mah grits.
> > >> >> >Gee - wouldn't it be better to choose a *French* painter instead?
> > >> >> You get more salami with Modigliani.
> > >> >But alas you get more ass with Degas...?
> > >> A role in the hay with Monet is okay ...
> > > But better by far the boudoir with Renoir...

From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Some get their jolly when Dali licks their lolly.
And William Chase licks apace when you sit upon his face.
Pissarro's good to go, though I hear he swings to and fro.
Alas after too much freakin', Thomas Eakins' thing is leakin'.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies bait the old masters

> > Nothing's so jolly as Dali in trolley ...
> Though Klee, I plea, didst fill me with glee ...

From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
But Klee, I pray, ain't pronounced that way ...

Silly fellow - that's lime jello - as disgorged by Donatello...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got ...unlaid?...
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 04 Apr 2002 09:03:45 GMT

LostJonny <jnoXbuXg.visi.com> wrote:
>davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>> The bad news is that I won't be able to spend days with my kid doing the "quality time" thing.
>My better half is in similar straits in that she is really enjoying time with our new little one (imported from China last October) and isn't looking forward to leaving her in a daycare situation.

You outsourced the conception and delivery, and now you're outsourcing the upbringing. I ... detect a trend here.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just got ...unlaid?...
From: Barry <friend.public.com>
Date: Fri, 5 Apr 2002 18:38:58 +0100

hetta.saunalahti.fi says...
> Barry O'Neill <friend.public.com> wrote:
> > We share machine room space with Turing, Fermat & Green:
> > http://www.csar.cfs.ac.uk/turing/
> > http://www.csar.cfs.ac.uk/fermat/
> > http://www.csar.cfs.ac.uk/green/
> Yowza. Those are seriously cool machines.
> Wow.

Heh. When I say "share", I mean our rack is in the furthest corner of the machine room from those guys...

If you look at the CSAR page, you'll also see mention of Fuji, but writing Turing, Fermat, Green and Fuji seemed odd somehow. A bit like learning that "A Historical Treatise on the Theorie of Games and Tactics" was written by that esteemed Fellow of the Royal Society, Sir Joshua Nintendo.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Crap crap crap crap crap!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 3 Apr 2002 07:16:16 GMT

Does anyone have some magic smoke I could borrow? I think some just came loose from some lab equipment and now I can't seem to find it.

"When UPSs Aren't", next on Fox.
Followed by an all new "Power Filters Gone Bad"

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies *really* need a beer or ten


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Crap crap crap crap crap!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 8 Apr 2002 06:10:25 GMT

Nassif!! <nassifspamless.mindspring.com> said:
> Whose dark brown siamese fighting ferrets will watch those big brown trucks a bit more carefully from now on.

Confidential to Nassif!!: your lines are a bit long.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if he's trying to make up for something


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Search Engine
From: Guido71 <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 10 Apr 2002 06:03:31 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> said:
> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>>Ross Clement wrote:
>>>Well, it would find her if she had authored a lot of oracularities. So, it seems the problem is not that it's the wrong kind of search engine, but that you have the wrong kind of long-lost high-school sweet-heart.
>>Damn and blast. My mother just *knew* that she would be proven right one day.
>>She just didn't expect it to be by (what might be termed) an honorary member of a lay clergy.
> Lay clergy? The Oracle Priesthood? They don't call them temple virgins for nothing, bucko.

That's right. They call them temple virgins for US$100K/month deposited into a Swiss bank account to "remind" me to keep a couple of videos where no-one can find them.

-=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=-
This message was posted by a Mafioso who wishes to remain anonymous.
Abusers of this anonymous-reposting gateway Will Be Dealt With.
-=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=-
!!! New !!! Advertise your website on E-Mafia !!!
"I never dreamed I'd get so many hits" -- Vinny
-=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=- -=-


From: twchew.mindspring.com (Tim Chew)
Hey Guido, when are you planning on releasing those videos? We stopped sending Caramia's, Alyce's, and Julsy's payments for a reason.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Belper: City of Shame
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2002 18:07:54 +0100

Sorry about this, but I must needs be serious for a moment. Belper, my adoptive hometown in South Derbyshire, has a dark side. I refer, of course, to its despicable treatment of Mr. Potato Head.

Belper is twinned, you see, with Pawtucket[1], internationally famed as the Home of Mr. Potato Head[2]. Now some 24 months ago or more, the Pawtucketans thought, "Wouldn't it be a lovely idea, to help our dear twin town celebrate the Millennium, to send them a 7-foot tall fibreglass statue of Mr. Potato Head in a Pilgrim Father outfit?"[3]

So this is what they did. And the Belper Town Council, somewhat at a loss, stuck it outside Macdonalds, where most of us thought it was some kind of promotional thingy. Residents in the know, however, wrote furious screeds to the local newspaper, complaining about this kind of monstrosity parading in our streets, lowering the tone[4] and frightening the horses. Such was the furore that the Pawtucket Tourist Authority offered to take Mr. Potato Head back, but our mealy-mouthed Town Council sent him away, ostensibly on a grand tour of the towns and theme parks of Amber Valley. Somewhere along the route some youths ripped his arms off. News of this brutal assault has been reported far and wide, by Radio WELY (Minnesota) and the Korea Times, amongst others. There was a genuine risk of our joining George Dubya's Axis of Terror, and I'd started nervously scanning the skies for the telltale B-52 vapour trails.

Thankfully, we are not all blue-rinsed, pro-fox-hunting, bring-back-hanging-flogging-and-compulsory-buggery-in-boarding-schools, unreconstructed Thatcherites here. There was a backlash from right (ie, not Right) thinking people telling the papers their kids liked the giant spud, so please could we have him back. The Town Council, pathetic as ever, acquiesced, and a jolly good thing too, in the eyes of us taterphiles[5]. He is now back where he should be, rearmed, ushering people into our local Safeway supermarket, and we can once again hold our heads up overseas without fear of becoming the target of a Hasbro jihad. Of course, his fat arse blocks one's view of oncoming traffic as one tries to leave the supermarket car park, but this is surely a small price to pay.

This is all God's truth. Try googling "potato head" and "belper" if you don't believe me. I now hand you back to the customary wibbling.

[1] This dates back to the days when that snivelling little traitor Samuel Slater, formerly an assistant to our dearly beloved textile magnate Jedediah Strutt[6], emigrated to Pawtucket and, despite solemn vows to the contrary, set up a cotton mill there, thereby kickstarting the industrial revolution in USAia and ensuring you lot are now Top Nation 'stead of us. (Bastards, bastards, bastards!)

[2] And, may I say, Mr. Potato Head encapsulates everything that is great about USAia. Through that typical, miraculous combination of commercial spirit and Yankee ingenuity, you not only corner the market in potato head appendages, but you also supply vaguely shapeless plastic lumps to take the place of the potato, thereby completely demolishing the whole point of the exercise. And then you make money out of it! Christ, there are Mr. Potato Head collectables! InconcEEvable!

[3] Actually, it was William Blackstone, apparently.

[4] Belper is a World Heritage Site, I'll have you know. Alongside the Pyramids and the Great Wall of China. It is, I swear it!

[5] Potato - eyes, geddit? That's a joke, son.[7]

[6] Of course he's for real! You think I could make up a name like Jedediah Strutt?

[7] Talking of which, Mr. Potato Head wuz robbed at the Oscars. By all that is decent and wholesome, he should have had an award for his role in "MASH"[8].

[8] Okay, so that *wasn't* a joke, son.


-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----Rushing out to register the trademark "Mr. Potato Arse[R]"--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 22:42:11 -0400

Hetta wrote:
> Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
>> --*----Rushing out to register the trademark "Mr. Potato Arse[R]"--
> What I want to know is, what kind of accessories are you going to market?

"Arsessories," shirley.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 2002 08:44:27 +0100

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes
>I also like the linked story whose headline reads:
> In the build up to the Queen's jubilee everyone can buy a pie...
>But I clicked over, and it has nothing to do with pies! No pies for you! Or the Queen, apparently.

Well, of course no pies. Do you really think HM Queen can think of pies at a time like this? When, in this of all years, such a terrible tragedy has overtaken not just her, but the whole nation?

No, not the death of her Mum, fool! I mean the injury to David Beckham's toe! Britons everywhere (well, except surly buggers like the Scots, Welsh and the rest of the Celtic fringe, obviously) are sunk in deepest post-traumatic shock. Posh and Brooklyn are dressed in black. Old Trafford is filling up with wreaths. Churches offer up prayers to the abused extremity. Tony Blair has instigated martial law (not that this differs noticeably from his normal leadership style). Papers, TV and radio have no column inches/air time left over to report on trivial niggles like whatever's happening in the Middle East. And you think anyone has the time or inclination to eat PIES?? You insensitive cad, sir!

(On the plus side, I was hugely impressed by the way the Sun newspaper rose to the occasion. In a poem about the deplorable affair, they actually came up with a rhyme for metatarsal - they used it to describe the Argentinian footballer whose tackle was responsible for the calamity. Clue: it wouldn't rhyme in Merkin English. And there I was thinking the Sun was written by illiterate morons. I have grievously misjudged them.)

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*---Just as well it wasn't his metacarpal, really:--
--*-----*--*--*------*----*-"Woe unto thee, Beck's metacarpal,-*---
--*------*-*---*-----*----*--Sharp and incisive as Miss Marple..."-


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 17:06:41 +0100

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> writes
>It's rumored that Richard Wilson said:
>; Well, of course no pies. Do you really think HM Queen can think of pies at a time like this? When, in this of all years, such a terrible tragedy has overtaken not just her, but the whole nation?
>; No, not the death of her Mum, fool! I mean the injury to David Beckham's
>Who?

That's part of the joke, of course. But, for your edification, David Beckham is famous in some quarters for two things: 1) being captain of Manchester United and the England football^Wsoccer teams, and 2) being married to Posh Spice. Together, they are famous for possessing about as much brain between them as would fit comfortably within a small medicine bottle (yes, Comrade Evans, I do believe I am paraphrasing Plum). There is something of a vogue in this country for David Beckham jokes (see, for instance, #1169-03).

With the World Cup less than 8 weeks away, Becks's broken toe is causing a major bout of hysteria in the national media. Sun readers are urged to lay their hands on a photo of an x-ray of the abused appendage, in the hope of speeding recovery. It seems to me, however, that it would be better if he wasn't fit to play when the time came, so we'd have a ready-made excuse when England inevitably gets humiliatingly drubbed in the early rounds of the competition. But what do I know about sport? I still think the WWF has something to do with pandas.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*-"And, in the blue corner, an endangered Fijian tree snailll!"--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: The Z-Boy Is not yet Dead
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 14:34:46 +0100

Just done an upgrade of the Zadpages, so this is my semi-regular reminder to people that if they have zadocularities gathering dust in the back of the PC and slowly going mouldy, this is the time to offer them up for immoleratality.

Actually, that's not why I'm posting. I just wanted to air an intriguing bit of junkmail that slipped under my guard and contained the revelation:

> My name is Heather and I am the marketing director of Web Submission Services... Our packages are as low as $9.95... The reason why I am contacting you is because I did some research and found http://www.molerat.demon.co.uk/zadoc.htm in Lycos on page 74 for the search term "medieval wedding dress pattern".

How Lycos knew I based Zadoc's outfit on a medieval wedding dress pattern is a complete mystery to me; I am deeply impressed. I am even more impressed by Heather's stamina in examining 74+ pages of Lycos results when most of us would have given up after two and lied about the rest. I am most impressed of all by Heather's employers' ability to build a business out of offering submission services to people dealing in medieval wedding dress patterns on the Web - a niche market if ever there was one - while still only charging as little as $9.95 a throw. E-entrepreneurship is not dead. Thank god, I say.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*--Have you got one without a chastity belt?--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Z-Boy Is not yet Dead
From: LostJonny <jnoXbuXg.no.way>
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 18:39:33 GMT

Richard Wilson cried unto the masses:
> How Lycos knew I based Zadoc's outfit on a medieval wedding dress pattern is a complete mystery to me; I am deeply impressed. I am even more impressed by Heather's stamina in examining 74+ pages of Lycos results when most of us would have given up after two and lied about the rest.

I'm even more impressed that Lycos would have 74+ pages of links that mention "medieval wedding dress pattern". Considering the lack of viable birth control at the time, and guessing that folks were just as randy then as now, I'm sure that a fair number of those pages mentioned maternity styles as well.

LJ
I'm sure the wearers of those chastity belts were mightily impressed at the level of trust in them which their lovers/husbands displayed.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Vaguely culinary URL
From: "Teh (tî'pô)" <lanzkron.fastmail.fm>
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 11:11:53 +0300

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>Does this mean the death of preservatives?
> http://abc.net.au/news/justin/weekly/newsnat-11apr2002-32.htm

Ah, at last modern technology gives us Dwarf Bread. PTerry will be *soooo* proud.

I wonder if they implemented the feature that its quality improves when the cat piddles on it.

--
Then again that feature has been present in army food since Teh Napoleonic wars.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Vaguely culinary URL
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 02:10:34 +1000

Al Sharka wrote:
> SaraM wrote:
> > pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> > > pieceoftheuniverse - and don't get me started on Twinkies.
> > Certainly not - you'll ruin your dinner.
> > (Umm - in three words or less - what is a "Twinkie"?)
> I believe the marketing jargon is:
> "Golden Cream-filled Spongecake"
> Whereas the reality is more like:
> dry whipped-lard-filled able-to-withstand-nuclear-explosions-pseudofood

Ahh - sort of like aerosol cheese McCake in a can...?


Umm - just as a point of interest - how come the Twinkies people have had the technology for long-life, spongy, sandwiched-together-with-a-filling, convenient pseudofood-like snack things for years but the idea has only just dawned on your military?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jubilate - Ululate - Salivate - CELEBRATE!
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 2002 13:05:20 GMT

"SaraM" <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> Look - you've made it through *another* day.
> Ha - and who said we gods weren't kind?

Sara, I tried to follow the instructions in your subject line. The jubilating was cool, it made me feel all happy inside, but then the ululating made my throat hurt and I lost the happiness. The buckets of spit seem to have healed my raw esophagus, but I just don't want to celebrate anymore. Hope you don't mind.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Small rant: res ipsa loquitur?
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 15:13:49 -0600

Lord Insidious, World Dominator said:
>Why does Win98 think I'm stupid?

It's built into the core OS.

>1) On W95, when my connection hung up, it would tell me,

... usually scribbled in a small note taped to the shoe, saying "I just couldn't take any more."

>I'd hit "Enter" and it would (attempt to) redial.

It would often get the key tones wrong, though, and end up calling Archio's Pizzaria instead. I once ordered seventeen pizzas before I realized what happened.

>On W98 when I hit enter it goes

See, and right there it's wrong. It's supposed to come, not go.

>to the Help screen, because I'm clearly a moron

Well, if you say so.

>who's konfyoozed becuz all uv a suddin the pr0n stopped.

And we all know how important prawn migration patterns are to internet connections. Check your local chaos mathematician for details.

>2) Whenever W98 crashes[1],

... which, I suspect, is quite often.

>when I restart it yells at me

Well, turn down your volume.

Ah, if only parents and significant others had a volume control.

>for not shutting down through the Start menu,

That sentence alone has become one that shall resound throughout history. Steve Jobs may be an idiot, but at least he didn't do *that*.

>like I was happily going along

Well, what with all the rebooting and yelling, maybe "happy" isn't quite the right word ...

>and decided to hit the power switch without shutting anything down.

But sometimes you have to. There are times when the three-fingered salute just won't cut it, and even the power switch in the front won't shut the damn thing up. So you have to reach in back and shut off the manual hard-core switch, which will only further screw you up.

I'm looking for a good universal OS -- and by "universal," I mean can run any program for any system, be it BeOS, Mac, Windows, Linux, Unix, and display it just as if the program were on its home system. Is that too much to ask?

Well, yes. Downright impossible.

I've been reading too much Absurd Notions.

>[1] And I might add, the third through seventh instances of this since I changed in January have occurred in the week I've been using Opera[2]. I'm not saying there's a connection, but it's mysterious.

Well, *you* try maintaining a connection with a woman screaming in the background. You'd lose it, too.

>[2] Oddly, CNN.com is happy to show up on Opera, but certain other sites from the vast AOLTime-Warner empire demand Netscape or M$IE.

I think it's one of those "professional courtesy" things.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - you know, like how sharks won't eat lawyers.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 15:37:00 -0600

One thing I really miss about my California office was the use of actual walls. I don't mean mere partitions, but actual, physical, plaster-and wood walls. Sure, the *building* has walls, obviously, but it appears that when "they" were constructing, they just left huge wide-open areas that were later filled by somewhat tall cubical walls.

And while cubical walls may be nice and everything, they only offer the appearance of privacy. Sure, you can shut a nice solid wooden door, but the rest of the enclosure is made of polyethylene compounds, which blocks sound as much as an equal amount of, say, air. So when several "offices" are strung together, one can hear what's going on throughout the entire block.

Managers and the rest of the higher-ups get the prime "offices," of course -- they don't get real walls (well, the higher higher-ups do, by either moving out of the building I'm in, or by getting three real walls and one fake one), but they'll get a block of offices attached to conference rooms which are empty nine-tenths of the time.

Which would be fine, normally. I wouldn't care if I was able to hear the sounds of typing and maybe a muffled conversation, because those are the things one expects to hear in an office. But no one really seems to grasp the whole "appearance of privacy" idea, and so treats it as if we had real walls. That means phones on speaker (as opposed to handset -- is it really all that difficult to pick up the phone when talking to it?), loud conversations, and music. Bad music, at that.

I've tried to tone it down, but I just can't take it anymore. So here's what I'm going to do:

I've purchased a boom box. I'm attempting to locate that hit single, "It's a small, small world." Then I'm going to put the CD in the boom box, push play, raise the volume *just high enough*[1], stick it on repeat, close and lock my office, and duck into the computer lab for the rest of the day.

I expect the mindless gibbering to start up around the second hour. Around the third hour they might get security to open the office to shut off the noise, but by lunch I'll have figured that out and started it up again. By the end of the day I fully expect to have a contingent of crazy co-workers aiming for me, so I might duck out early ... leaving the song for them to come back to work to the next day.

By the end of the third day, I'll shut it off. Then I'll sit in my office, working, and try to ascertain whether or not they've gotten the hint. The first voice I hear on speaker phone, I start the process over ...

-- pieceoftheuniverse - I am evil. Hear them scream.

[1] This is defined as the volume where you can just hear the words and the tune, but not quite enough to get annoying. The voices fade in and out, and, like the Chinese water torture, will slowly drive you insane. You find yourself humming it to yourself, unable to stop, and maybe you'll even get to the point of typing the lyrics in that ever-important e-mail. Just loud enough to be heard over a conference call ("Can you stop that music?" "<sob> Noooooo!"), but not loud enough to interfere with anyone outside the troublesome block of offices.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: "~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 22:33:48 -0000

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> I've purchased a boom box. I'm attempting to locate that hit single, "It's a small, small world." Then I'm going to put the CD in the boom box, push play, raise the volume *just high enough*[1], stick it on repeat, close and lock my office, and duck into the computer lab for the rest of the day.

For me, since at the time we weren't allowed to play "aggressive" music, the tune was "Shipoopi" from The Music Man. It took two days for my cubical-bound neighbor to cave and quit trying to share her crappy music with me. It was the beginning of the third day when she finally asked, "You really like that song, don't you?" in a snotty tone of voice that showed she clearly didn't get the message yet. "No," I replied. "I'm just playing it over and over until you stop ramming N'Sync and all that other crap down my throat." "Oh," she replied, "is my radio that loud?"

Now, if only I could find something similar that would work on the neighbor's kids.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 12 Apr 2002 00:18:33 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> said:
> But no one really seems to grasp the whole "appearance of privacy" idea, and so treats it as if we had real walls. That means phones on speaker (as opposed to handset -- is it really all that difficult to pick up the phone when talking to it?), loud conversations, and music. Bad music, at that.

...which may or may not be better than some things I've heard around my building. They kept saying something about God, but there was more moaning and panting than I'm used to hearing during a worship service.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder who's dipping his pen in the company ink


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 2002 12:59:08 GMT

"Jason" <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> wrote:
> Kitsune Nine Tail wrote:
> > Jim Menard wrote:
> > > twchew.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) writes:
> > >> pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> > >>> If I were to come up with a compilation CD, I would need songs guaranteed to elicit terror, frustration, and overall not-goodness.
> > >> Four word:
> > >> "Don't worry, be happy."
> > > I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing
> > > I Love You, You Love Me
> > Won't ya be, my neighbor? (Mr. Rogers Neighborhood Theme)
> > You've got a friend in me.
> > The Sun will come out Tomorrow (Annie)
> I don't think it'll be the same effect if you compile a number of irritating songs and loop them. The point is to make each individual's internal stereo sync with what's playing just at the threshold of audibly discernable. Pick only one, but any one will work, as long as people can't get it out of their heads. It might also be worthwhile to make it delay (perhaps randomly?) before it launches into the repeated rendition. That way a sense of dread can set in. Of course, certain instrument performances are highly irritating in and of themselves. If you can find some good (relatively speaking) recorder concertos, you can single-handedly be responsible for large psychiatric bills.

Assuming your office is on Win, you could save the offensive riff as "ding.wav" and deploy it on as many machines as possible.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 2002 10:17:20 -0500

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
} Al Sharka wrote ...
} > Jason wrote:
} >} certain instrument performances are highly irritating in and of themselves. If you can find some good (relatively speaking) recorder concertos, you can single-handedly be responsible for large psychiatric bills.
} >Music Box Dancer
} Hey! I really *like* Music Box Dancer.
} "Da-dum, da-dum, da da-da-da-dum
} da-da-da-dum, dum da-da-da-dum..."

Back when Jukebox songs were three for a quarter, we were in a bar when this really scary looking biker-type walked in, put $5.00 in and proceeded to select only that song. He then sat at the bar nursing beer after beer, making conductor-type motions when the orchestral part would start. When the single-hand piano portions would play, he would laugh. Not very loudly, but more to himself. The trouble was that he was positioned in such a spot that we couldn't sneak out without getting very near to him. So we listened. And waited.

-- Al, did you know that bikers have incredible bladder control?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: "Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com>
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 2002 10:38:05 -0400

"Jason" <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> wrote:
> people can't get it out of their heads. It might also be worthwhile to make it delay (perhaps randomly?) before it launches into the repeated rendition. That way a sense of dread can set in. Of course, certain

You definitely have an evil streak in you ...

Now, having said that ....

I'd say the random delay should be set anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes. In rare cases, you can put some longer delays in there. This will cause them to randomly switch between the sense of dread Jason mentions and the despair that comes with thinking it might have stopped for good and then having those hopes dashed. Make sure the music is always off when you go to lunch. This will let them get attached to that time of the day. Then, if the exercise continues long enough, you can start slipping out to lunch unnoticed while leaving the music on.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: "Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com>
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 01:09:24 -0400

"pieceoftheuniverse" <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote in message
> Which would be fine, normally. I wouldn't care if I was able to hear the sounds of typing and maybe a muffled conversation, because those are the things one expects to hear in an office. But no one really seems to grasp the whole "appearance of privacy" idea, and so treats it as if we had real walls. That means phones on speaker (as opposed to handset -- is it really all that difficult to pick up the phone when talking to it?), loud conversations, and music. Bad music, at that.

That was going on in the small block of offices (yes, actual offices) I worked in at my last job. We had one guy who would habitually use his speaker when talking to customers and other people in the facility. Half the time, he'd have the speaker loud enough so that everyone in the area could hear the entire conversation. He was one of those people who thought of himself as the only really intelligent and competent person in the company and based on the tone of these phone calls, it was obvious that he was doing it to try and further demonstrate this to anyone within earshot. More often than not, his end of the conversation would be fairly rude and obnoxious.

Then there was the guy down the hall who always used the speaker phone and after a few years still acted as if he was intimidated by it, speaking REALLY REALLY LOUD SO HE COULD BE HEARD OVER A JET ENGINE IF NECESSARY.

A friend observed once that this is behavior typical of older workers who feel they've been unfairly treated or passed over for management positions. They do it to impress with the appearance of being important and influential. When he said that, it was like a tiny light going on and I realized how true it was. Unfortunately, during my last few months at that job, when I was really and truly sick of the place, I found myself doing it too, although I'd like to think I wasn't quite as loud. Mostly it was to avoid the sick feeling that went with picking up the phone and hearing one of the loud talkers in the place or the sound of someone I truly despised right in my ear ... or both.

> I've purchased a boom box. I'm attempting to locate that hit single, "It's a small, small world." Then I'm going to put the CD in the boom box, push play, raise the volume *just high enough*[1], stick it on repeat, close and lock my office, and duck into the computer lab for the rest of the day.

You've obviously been feeding on a combination of 'Office Space' and the BOFH lately. I can sympathize. I'd recommend following one of the other suggestions here and making a compilation disk. For your own benefit, you might slip in the song from Office Space - "Damn, it Feels Good to be a Gangsta". In some of my lower moments as a subject of corporate mindgames, I've found it comforting ... ;-) ....

> By the end of the third day, I'll shut it off. Then I'll sit in my office, working, and try to ascertain whether or not they've gotten the hint. The first voice I hear on speaker phone, I start the process over ...

Yes, definite shades of the BOFH there ... I like it ... brings back ... er, uh ... bittersweet? ... memories ...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 09:39:14 -0600

Hey, look! It's me! And I said something like this:
>I've purchased a boom box. I'm attempting to locate that hit single, "It's a small, small world." Then I'm going to put the CD in the boom box, push play, raise the volume *just high enough*[1], stick it on repeat, close and lock my office, and duck into the computer lab for the rest of the day.

Thank you all for your suggestions and your sublime bits of eeeevil. Know this: that on the second day of torture, I was sought out and given a very *nice* set of semi-expensive headphones, which not only deliver high-quality sound but also muffle just about everything else.

Extortion is fun, yes?

--
pieceoftheuniverse - sweet, sweet privacy. Now I just need to find some Bach and Mozart CDs, and I'll be all set ...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 15:52:12 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse - sweet, sweet privacy. Now I just need to find some Bach and Mozart CDs, and I'll be all set ...

So, just like that, you're done? I'm sorry, but you don't have the proper dedication to being an evil mastermind. You are, to quote a diabolic genius, the diet coke of evil. I think you need to march right back in there, and say "I appreciate the nice headphones, but they're not enough. MUAHAHAHAHA!". And remember, you can't ask for virgin sacrifices immediately, you have to work up to that.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 13:18:03 -0600

The Evil Mastermind known only as "Jason" pondered carefully:
>So, just like that, you're done?

Well, erm, uh ... yes.

>I'm sorry, but you don't have the proper dedication to being an evil mastermind.

But ... but ... I *want* to rule the world! I've got the plan all made up in miniature and sitting on my desk!

Look, see, here's my superfortress (in Lego), filled with diabolical traps and lethal pets, and here's the hero, who comes in just at the right moment to thwart me, and here I am, wielding an industrial laser. Zap! Zap! Take that, would-be hero!

>You are, to quote a diabolic genius, the diet coke of evil.

Damn.

I remember that quote, but I can't remember where from. Now it will be rattling around in my head, searching for something to connect to, for all the rest of my days. I'll end up in an asylum, tied up in a straightjacket, banging my head against the wall screaming "Diet Coke! Diet Coke!" for hours upon end, eventually driving my roommate to garrotte me with a shoelace.

Brilliant. I bow to your obviously superior intellect.

>I think you need to march right back in there, and say "I appreciate the nice headphones, but they're not enough. MUAHAHAHAHA!".

This means I'll have to practice my evil laugh, won't I? Seeing as how it currently sounds like Dexter's arch-nemisis, which just completely fails to strike fear into the hearts of men. Loathing? Yes. But not fear.

>And remember, you can't ask for virgin sacrifices immediately, you have to work up to that.

Ah, who wants virgins anyway. I prefer an experienced woman.

Oh, wait, you mean to *kill*. My bad.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - in that case, let's go after all the male virgins. It's about time someone did something about that little double-standard.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 2002 00:30:35 +1000

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> Last time I was there, they didn't have anyone submit to a full-body/cavity search. Of course, that *was* before Sept 11th ...

Slight topic drift here, but an update on my recent US trip with respect to security:

Melbourne to SFO via Sydney. Change of planes in Sydney. Prior to getting on the plane for the trans-Pacific leg, I had been through security and detailed inspection of cabin bags (including an in-depth scrutiny of a highly suspicious umbrella and a disembowelling of the Powerbook), no less than four, count them, four times. The fools missed the sheaf of papers I had in the Powerbook carry bag - that stuff could give an unsuspecting pilot a nasty papercut. They did spot the noxious deodorant that I use, full points for vigilance there.

However, never let it be said that Australian security is lax in any way. Why, quite seriously, they X-rayed all my bags again *after* I had been through customs, five feet from the exit door to the wide wide world. They're not going to miss spontaneous creation of weapons, oh no, and our taxi drivers can sleep soundly at night safe in that knowledge.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's a Small, small world (minor rant)
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 2002 11:36:00 -0600

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> } Tom Harrington wrote ...
> } >Who is Bob the Builder?
> } Unless (or mayhap because) you're being a troll, here is more
> Now, now, Richard. Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by the effects of children. Or not having them. Or something like that.

OK, I'd seen pictures of Bob but didn't know who he was. It comes with being childfree.

> Tom "Tom" probably never heard of Dora the explorer or Dragon Tales or Kipper either.

I think I'd recognize Dragon Tales, having seen ads^H^H^Hpromotional announcements for it on PBS. No idea about Dora, though. Kipper's made with herring, or salmon, or something, right?

> -- Al, but that doesn't explain his obviously intimate knowledge of Tellytubbies, does it?

Everyone's got to have a dream. Mine is to one day be a Teletubby.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Survey
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Fri, 12 Apr 2002 10:49:49 -0600

Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net> wrote:
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> > http://www.raven1.net/emsurvy2.htm
> > I recommend filling it out - it's the only site I can safely visit without my Alfoil-lined Akubra.
> "Street lights going out as you pass under them, walking or driving"
> Hey! That's my super power! I documented it in the Rhod Who's Who years ago. Nobody else is supposed to have that power! They stole my power! Those bastards!

And yet they missed mine, which I've described elsewhere: The temporary technological healing touch. I first observed this when I was an undergrad and worked at the university help desk. When I appeared to help someone, problems would disappear, and stay away until I left. Made my job a lot easier.

I do like some of the listed symptoms, though:

> __ You find that you are coming suddenly awake at precisely the SAME TIME, middle of every night

OK, but I really think it's just my alarm clock.

> __ Inescapable voice in your head and you are not mentally ill

Along with, say, inescapable vomiting when you're in no way sick, or inescapable mounds of fat on your body when you're not actually overweight.

> __ Ringing in ears - may start/stop when switching on or off electronic devices

Probably a bad transformer.

> __ Fake telephone or clock ringing or fake kocking on your door

I know I'd be concerned if I encountered a fake telephone ringing on my door.

> __ Hot needles deep in your flesh, especially when trying to sleep (also called "stings")

It's called acupuncture. Or if not, try and notice when someone starts poking you in this way. And at least pull the needles out if they bother you.

> __ Vivid 3-D images while awake, eyes open or closed

I have this every day, but I always thought it was the result of normal vision. I had no idea that seeing 3-D images was a sign of mind control.

> __ Urges to go somewhere you don't need to or at times you would not go there

This one's usually just called "poor judgement".

> __ Repeated evidence of breakins, small scale thefts, and sabotage both at home and at work

Don't bother calling the police or anything, because they're probably in on the conspiracy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Survey
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 13 Apr 2002 09:57:21 +0100

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes
> Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net> wrote:
>> __ Vivid 3-D images while awake, eyes open or closed
>I have this every day, but I always thought it was the result of normal vision. I had no idea that seeing 3-D images was a sign of mind control.

Watch out, Tom, this kind of observation can get you put away. My wife reports hearing an interview on the radio with a woman who was diagnosed mentally ill because she had Asperger's syndrome [sp?]. This is evidently a form of autism which results in a tendency to take things very literally.

Psychiatrist: Do you ever hear voices?
Woman: Yes. (thinks: Duh!)
Psychiatrist: Do these voices tell you to do things?
Woman: Well, I suppose so, sometimes.
(Psychiatrist presses panic button.)

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---I'm always reassured by those scene-of-crime cordoning-off---
--*-----tapes that read "Police do not cross line"; we don't need--
--*------*--any of your trigger-happy mavericks here, thank you----

From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
> evidently a form of autism which results in a tendency to take things very literally.

Just build a wall around RHOD, then, and protect the world from us.



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