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2002 08 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: tellme
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 17:14:56 +1000

Oracle Most Wise, who knows the difference between cartography and drawing pictures of wagons, please answer my humble plea: I recently bought a Mercator projector but it seems to be broken - the picture gets distorted at the top and bottom edges. What can I do to fix it?


From: "Teh (tî'pô)" <lanzkron.fastmail.fm>

Screwtape wrote:
>Oracle Most Wise, who knows the difference between cartography and drawing pictures of wagons, please answer my humble plea: I recently bought a Mercator projector but it seems to be broken - the picture gets distorted at the top and bottom edges. What can I do to fix it?

Well dear supplicant, I think your wishing to "fix" a "Mercator projection" derives from a basic misunderstanding on your part.

You see, a "Mercator projection" is a way to map a "ball" to a flat surface, to "fix," on the other hand, is to remove a couple of "balls."

You owe Teh Oracle a less painfully way to snip usenet posts.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: tellme
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 28 Aug 2002 03:18:50 GMT

Teh (tî'pô) wrote:
> Well my last try wasn't very successful but I think I'll give it another shot. Here's another one of my retired tellmes.
>> Oh Oracle of most sharp intellect and cutting wit.
>> Who was Jesus's mohel?

Wasn't there a Queen song about that?

%%
All: Spare him his skin from this monstrosity.
JC; Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
All: Bris milah! NO, WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
%%

Ouch. I wonder if mohels wear macintoshes for their own protection from "accidents".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: tellme
From: Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com>
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 09:35:48 -0500

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle of most sharp intellect and cutting wit.
> Who was Jesus's mohel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle supplicant, I've told you before, you _must_ stop typing with your elbows. It tends to garble words and I have to decipher what you really meant (not that it's *that* hard, but just on general principles...).
} In this case, what you meant to ask was "What was Jesus' motel?" Jesus was born in Bethlehem, near what is known today as "The Nativity Inn". Interestingly enough (or not) for a brief period of time there was a Holiday Inn at that site. Terrorists shot up the sign shortly before the decision was made to sell. The sign was still readable, but there was no 'L'.
} You owe the Oracle some sugar cookies.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: tellme
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 31 Aug 2002 17:25:41 GMT

Omniscient Oracle, most virile and hirsute, please tell me what are the 10 worst probable side-effects from taking Viagra and Propecia at the same time?

I'll start:

10. All your body hair stays erect for about 8 hours.
9. You grow hair on your penis.

Any others?


From: Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi>
8. You grow hair on your palms.

... oh wait, you already _had_ hair on your palms. Scratch that one.


From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
> ... oh wait, you already _had_ hair on your palms. Scratch that one.

Hey! How'd you know palm hair was so itchy?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lars Sighting!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 20 Aug 2002 20:02:50 GMT

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> said:
> dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>> >Emacs isn't a program. It's a religion.
>> It's a dessert topping, it's a floor wax, it's an alternative lifestyle, it's a major world religion. It's the cream in your coffee, the cherry on your banana split; it's the glow of clouds at sunset,
> Fwoor, add a bloody big bridge and I'm there, baby.

I'd think you'd want one that *wasn't* having one of its monthlies.

/me browses USGS database

/me nearly chokes on coffee

Periodic Spring (Lincoln, Wyoming) is on Red Top Mountain.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will climb Old Rag Mountain


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lars Sighting!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 30 Aug 2002 03:52:47 GMT

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> wrote:
> dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>> >Emacs isn't a program. It's a religion.
>> It's a dessert topping, it's a floor wax, it's an alternative lifestyle, it's a major world religion. It's the cream in your coffee, the cherry on your banana split; it's the glow of clouds at sunset,
> Fwoor, add a bloody big bridge and I'm there, baby.

Dank cave not good enough for you, oh no. You *had* to have an internet connection. Then you learned to read and write. Now that's not good enough. What will you want next? Two rocks to bang together? A bridge with running water? Why don't you ask for a rocket to the moon while you're at it?


From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
May I please have a rocket to the moon?

Ian.


From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)

"... and the genie granted the little troll's wish. The little troll took the rocket to the moon, and has lived there very happily ever since. The end."

The mama troll closed the story book. "Do you know what the moral of the story is, children? That's right, don't be afraid to ask for your heart's fondest desire, because sometimes you get what you want. Goodnight."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lars Sighting!
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 15:16:12 +0100

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> writes
>sjc the result:
>; Are you suggesting that everything else you've posted has been a lie?
>The following statement is true:
>The preceding statement is false.

"Make way, make way!"

"Stand back please, folks, let us handle this."

"Paradox Police at your service, ladies and gentlemen. What we have here is a typical Jourdainian circular reference paradox - simple but deadly. My partner Kurt will now disarm the brute and..."

"Why do I have to disarm it, Wolfie?"

"Because I dealt with that Carl Hempel incident in afda last week, remember? Where the sudden appearance of that purple cow proved that all crows are simultaneously black and white."

"Oh, yeah."

"As I was saying, my partner will now disarm the paradox and once again make this newsfroup safe for sane, logical discourse."

"This is rhod, Wolfie."

"I was speaking figuratively, Kurt."

"Right. Well, I'm going to start by converting both assertions to symbolic logic, Wolfie."

"Ladies and gentlemen, let me assure you that you that this procedure is perfectly safe. After all, my partner would have to be mad to tackle an unexploded paradox if he didn't think he was up to it. Yet his earlier reluctance to get near the beast, as all readers of Catch-22 will instantly recognise, proves he is not mad. We are therefore in no danger whatever."

"(A and true)=A, and false=(A not B), therefore (A or B)=not false (B and A)..."

"Observe the master craftsman at work. And I hope this incident has been a salutary lesson for you all. You see how easy it is to create a life- threatening unsolvable conundrum? One minute you're happily muddling along in your internally consistent Newtonian universe, safe in the knowledge that nature abhors a paradox and therefore such a thing cannot exist. Next minute you find yourself thinking, 'But what if *existing* paradoxes exist? After all, it is clearly wrong to assert that an existing paradox does not exist. Thus if existing paradoxes exist, so must paradoxes per se.' and before you know it, you've created a prisoner's dilemma out of thin air."

"Kind of like an infinite improbability drive."

"Concentrate on your work, Kurt."

"Extracting the truth values from both statements now, Wolfie."

"Don't let their idempotencies commute."

"Wouldn't dream of it. Here we go..."

"Of course, ladies and gentlemen, there's every possibility that this paradox wasn't even armed in the first place. It depends entirely on whether the perpetrator was expecting us to approach it cautiously or just poke it with a stick. In the latter case, of course, it would have been armed, but in the former it wouldn't, so that the perpetrator would have wasted our time but not our own. Therefore, if there had been time to do so beforehand, we could have deduced what the perpetrator guessed we'd do and then have done the opposite, always assuming he wouldn't have expected us to do that and..."

"SHIT!"

TweedledeedoesnotexistTweedledumdoesnotexistAtleastonesentence inthisboxisfalseIfthissentenceisfalsethenSantaClausdoesnotexist EveryoneisafraidofDraculaDraculaisafraidofonlymeThereforeIam DraculaThebarbershavesallandonlythosemeninthevillagethatdonot shavethemselvesWhoshavesthebarberEitherIamaliarortwoplustwo equalsfive...

"What the hell happened?!"

"The bastard had hidden a set that was neither self-swallowing nor contained Joan of Arc within the logical contrapositive!"

"Wow! You have to admire a mind that warped. What's the damage, Kurt?"

"No sign of rational behaviour for miles around, Wolfie."

"Much as before, then."

"Yeah, we'll stress that aspect in our report. Um... we'll be going now, folks. Sorry about the mess."

"You'll have to excuse my partner. He used to be in military intelligence, you know."

"Hey! Who're you calling an oxymoron?"

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*--*--Off to rearrange the deckchairs on Hilbert's Titanic--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lars Sighting!
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 00:11:54 +1000

Richard Wilson wrote ...
>Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> writes
>>Bravo, Moleratty, bravo.
>I'm not so sure about your use of the diminutive there, FL. Makes me sound like the spawn of an unnatural union between Wind in the Willows characters.

Finally, *someone*.

Just 'cos the Love don't Speak its Name, don't mean it's unnatural, y'know? There was something very much Oscar Wilde/Noel Coward about those two setting up house, admit it.

> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*-----*-richard.poohglet.demon.co.uk-
> --*----*---*---*-----*---*-*---There, that's much better---*---

Ergh. At least Mole and Water Rat had pants that left it to the imagination. None of those Forty-Hectare Forest monstrosities had any of the right equipment, did they?

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti felt especially ripped off when the donkey#^&#^&%^#%^#$%^#$SSSSSSSSssssssss -- [NO CARRIER]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lars Sighting!
From: TechnoAtheist <technoathiest.SPAMISBAD.unitedheroes.net>
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 02:53:54 GMT

A group of monkeys stuck in the honee tree claiming to be "Richard Fitzpatrick"
<fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Tom Harrington wrote ...
>> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>>> Ergh. At least Mole and Water Rat had pants that left it to the imagination. None of those Forty-Hectare Forest monstrosities had any of the right equipment, did they?
>>Christopher Robin?
>You got me there. Although it could be argued that CR was neither a monstrosity nor from the 40HF.

"Oy! Whas awl this abah me pryvahts? Roight, ben' ovah you ovah stuffed toffah and I'll show you!"

Things turned ugly once Christopher Robin hit his 40s.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lars Sighting!
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Fri, 23 Aug 2002 11:25:48 -0600

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
> You got me there. Although it could be argued that CR was neither a monstrosity nor from the 40HF.

I seem to recall Pooh and Piglet visiting him when the 40HF flooded, at a tree house similar to theirs. As for whether he was a monstrosity, I suppose it depends on how he used the "equipment". I suppose we can't be certain that he had it, but as the only member of the 40HF who wore pants there's at least the possibility.


From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lars Sighting!
Date: Thu, 15 Aug 2002 14:27:31 GMT

Donald Welsh wrote:
> Ian Davis <not.all.certain> wrote:
>>Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> wrote:
>>>Ian Davis wrote:
>>>> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>>>>>use fvwm,
>>>>"sijz"
>>>>Dammit!
>>>>Ian.
>>>Hint: For xyzwm the last two characters stand for Windows Manager. So, this discussion has been about which wm does the "best" (subjective) job of managing windows. See if that helps...
>>Windex is pretty good in my experience.
> I'll have to try that. Does it run Diablo II?

Of course not, its major selling point is that it doesn't run at all.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lars Sighting!
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 19 Aug 2002 21:27:34 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>> Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> wrote:
>>> Of course not, its major selling point is that it doesn't run at all.
>>That strategy seems to work pretty well for Microsoft.
> Great. I've been looking for a 100% compatible emulator. Windex it is.

I'm afraid not.

Top-10 ways Windows is diffent than Windex (Original and new)

Windex: Windows:
Light-weight Not hardly
Cleans smudges from monitor Frequently causes ugly blue smudges on monitor
Kills viruses on contact May itself be a virus
Makes a fun, "squeaky" noise Makes a horrible, "crashing" sound
Same as it was 10 years ago As slow as it was 10 years ago
Works every time Not hardly
Doesn't break your security systems Not hardly
You can use it on as many surfaces as you want Can only be used in one location legally
Costs you about 3 bucks Costs you your eternal soul
Not necessary on penguins Made unnecessary by penguins


Given the above, I would respectfully submit that Windex is not, in fact, a suitable replacement for Windows.

Dave "Who needs the panes of windows, anyway?" Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lars Sighting!
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 26 Aug 2002 12:41:32 +1000

ossipewsk.cheerful.com (Richard Fitzpatrick) wrote:
> Of course, an award should really go to the cleaner who gets all the Liquid Paper(tm) off Ian's monitor every night.

That's not...never mind.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: B5 on DVD! Woo-hoo!
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Thu, 15 Aug 2002 23:09:21 -0600

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> wrote:
> Tom Harrington wrote:
> ; Add a rule that only allows 24 time zones, with universally-enforced daylight savings time rules, and I'm with you.
> ; (what, you didn't think there were only 24, did you?)
> IIRC, there's 26. Forex, a timezone line would normally bisect India almost in half. So they split the difference. When it's Midnight in London, it's 4:30am in Bombay.
> China, which straddles four regular time zones, is all one time.

Ha! Ha! Twenty-six? Dream on, foolish mortals! There are dozens of them, and they change all the time, at the whim of any government anywhere! Excuse me for a moment while I rant.

It's like this: OK, nominally there are something like 26. But where it gets complicated is that (a) nearly everyone observes daylight savings time, but not everyone, and that (b) no two governments agree on when it starts and when it ends. Sometimes they'll agree on one, but not the other. Usually both are different. Finally, (c) if you want the time on a computer to be accurate at all times, and you want to have the option of selling this computer anywhere in the world, (a) and (b) mean you have a hell of a lot of time zones to keep track of.

The consequence of (a) is that places like Arizona and parts of Indiana are separate time zones from neighboring areas. The consequence of (b) is that you can have several time zones at any given longitude.

And where it _really_ gets fun is if you have to deal with timestamps on computers going back to 1970, or earlier. Then you have to consider the entire history of timezones. Like, Bumfuck Montana did not observe daylight savings time until July 27, 1981, so all of a sudden it has to be a different time zone from the rest of Montana just to keep consistency for any file you might have. But Nowheresville, Montana, which is three miles east from Bumfuck, didn't adopt daylight savings time until 1983, so now they're ALSO another time zone. So even if all of Montana is the same time zone NOW, you can still end up with a nasty horde of zones to consider.

There was some talk that during the summer Olympics in Sydney that they might abolish daylight savings time for just that year in Sydney (but not the rest of Australia). I nearly cried. Fortunately I don't have to maintain this kind of code any more.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: B5 on DVD! Woo-hoo!
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 16 Aug 2002 17:57:50 +0100

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes
>Ha! Ha! Twenty-six? Dream on, foolish mortals! There are dozens of them, and they change all the time, at the whim of any government anywhere! Excuse me for a moment while I rant.

<chop plea for increased prozac rations>

Waitaminnit. You mean you... you're... using the *Gregorian* calendar? Gad, man, don't you realise that fiendish contraption is a popish plot! Everybody knows the Julian calendar is God's own time. Well, me and the monks of Mount Athos do, anyways.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*--If Caesar had had a say in the matter, I'm sure--
--*-----*--*----*----*-we'd now be living through Endless July-*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: B5 on DVD! Woo-hoo!
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 08:31:24 +1000

Enrico wrote:
>Didn't they have some real interesting daylight saving time issue in Queensland, cow-related?

What? You mean you don't believe curtains fade because of the extra sunlight? Or that hens lay less because the nights are shorter? Same with cows and milk?

Well, that's just typical of the ignorance of the typical non-Queenslander.

--
GW De Lacey
Whose liver and white English springer spaniel is smart because she's an ex-Queenslander.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: B5 on DVD! Woo-hoo!
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 2002 10:10:29 -0600

"Teh (tî'pô)" <lanzkron.fastmail.fm> wrote:
> Up to this year (AFAIR) this was true, the rationalization was that on Yom Kipur you fast until an hour after sundown which is earlier in daylight saving time, so you fast less. The fact that you fast *from* sundown the previous day and no matter what you do (except flying towards the sun which is a no no on YK) you'll fast exactly 25 hours is not relevant to the issue. Obviously it's easier to fast another hour in the night before and not in the day and the idea of getting up an hour later is just plain inconceivable.
> All that said, this year sanity has won and we're having DLS until the regular date even though it's after Yom Kipur.
> Maybe I shouldn't mention the fact that they're talking about moving the clock for two days around Yom Kipur and then back again.
> Nope I definitely shouldn't mention that.

It's because of things like this that I've always thought using ancient religious texts as the basis for modern laws is invariably a very silly idea. If this is a sign of what results, they really should go back to using sun dials rather than these "clock" things....


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: B5 on DVD! Woo-hoo!
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Fri, 23 Aug 2002 11:30:27 -0600

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
> > I beg to differ, but it's only useless newsreaders (Outright Disgrace and the like) that will cause inadvertent line
> (snip)
> What you people are failing to realize, is that bricktext is a rather
> effortless thing to arrange. What gets really tricky is to hide, for
> the clever reader to discover, a message that can only be found while
> parsing the message in a certain way. Ideally, the wording will need
> a bit of adjustment so that the sentences don't sound awkward, yet do
> include the hidden message in the normal flow of a real conversation.
> Normally this isn't particularly difficult to do. The ultimate test,
> then, is to pull this off without anybody noticing what you're up to.
>
> Dave "So, I did." Hinz

But the really scary thing is when you find yourself doing this sort of thing by accident.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: B5 on DVD! Woo-hoo!
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 26 Aug 2002 14:20:29 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Richard Fitzpatrick')...done.
>Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti is just getting the hang of Falcon's Eye and hence needs no steenkeen bricktext.

                          So                        now we                      must think                    of some clever                  scheme for writing                a variant of blocktext              that uses isometric blocks            the same way that Falcon's Eye          uses isometric graphics instead of        a more traditional tile-based graphics      engine. Hmm.. now that I've written what I    wanted to, I find I've not filled even half of      the tile I originally planned. so I'll cut        my tirade about getting a port of that          Nethack variant to Mac OS X - I am            sure nobody would care anyway.              Here is the most difficult                part yet - devising an                  original yet witty  completion for                      this yucky                        square                          !!

Screwtape,
...yes, the last line is a cop-out. Sue me[2].

[2] By which I mean, of course, 'If you are Viki, please do not sue me.'


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: B5 on DVD! Woo-hoo!
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 2002 15:07:13 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Viki')...done.
>However, if you forget to pick up that bread on your way home again, you'll be seeing the *wrong* side of my briefs!

I'm not sure how to take that. Which is the wrong side?

Screwtape,
...the inside or the outside?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I didn't do it.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 16 Aug 2002 16:17:10 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Dave Hemming')...done.
> Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>>"Anonymous" <Anonymous.anon.com> wrote:
>>> Surely you don't object to anonimity ?
>>> (I prefer to be known as an i.p. address in a virtual world...after all you could be talking to a program.)
>>> ...and isn't it a bit passe and lacking in netiquette to comment on such measures ?
>>We're not all that fond of anonymous cowards here. Perhaps you'd be more welcome in other newsgroups?
>Yeah! We don't like people who refer to themselves only by an alias, like "Jellyroll Papadopolous" or "TechnoAtheist".

Or "pieceoftheuniverse" or "Screwtape" or "Richard Fitzpatrick".

Screwtape,
...who actually likes R.F, in a wholly platonic fashion.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I didn't do it.
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 20 Aug 2002 23:38:15 GMT

TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com> said:
> Monkeys with paper bags over their heads claiming to be GW De Lacey wrote:
>>Dave Hemming wrote:
>>>Yeah! We don't like people who refer to themselves only by an alias, like "Jellyroll Papadopolous" or "TechnoAtheist".
>>You don't have to be an old regular to know Malcolm 'Pcak' and 'JR' Conlin.
> If that really IS my name...
> Wait, let me check my driver's license.
> Oh, sorry, apparently that's incorrect. My name is Last, First.

I guess you must get pretty tired of hearing "I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the Last man on earth!", huh?

> That's an odd thing to name a child. I need to speak to my parents about that sometime.

Mr. and Mrs. Last? Must be kinda fun to give driving directions in relation to "the Last house on the left"...

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like a game where "getting on First" means you've already scored


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I didn't do it.
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 08:55:37 GMT

Also Sprach Dave Hemming:
> Yeah! We don't like people who refer to themselves only by an alias, like "Jellyroll Papadopolous" or "TechnoAtheist".

<blink>

> When did we stop liking anonymous cowards?

I've always hated them, but was afraid to say anything.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I didn't do it.
From: sjc <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 16 Aug 2002 07:53:09 -0600

Al Sharka wrote:
>Actually, the distinction here is that we know[1] the "real" names of all those aliases (including FC alias Pd2CV). They all became aliases afterwards. Well, except for POTU, but he came out of the closet later, so to speak.

Oh great, just great. Now because of that slightly incorrect metaphor, I'm going to have to reschedule my plans for world domination until homosexuality becomes a bit more widely accepted. Oh, I could deny it, but we all know what happens to leaders who do *that* ...

Heck, it might even help me. Reminds me of one of the Rules for Overlords, about publicly announcing a weakness that you don't have. If my would-be-usurpers believe I'll fall for a handsome guy rather than a gorgeous gal, my position will be assured [1].

[1] O,YL.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 16 Aug 2002 14:06:13 GMT

Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> wrote:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('Enrico')...done.
>>Hi,
>>I have been just reading a bit here on and off - quite a chuckle-inducing bunch you are. I just wonder, it never seems to get political around here.
> It does, occasionally. however I personally find that getting all political (or even religious) tends to make it rather hard to keep to my regular standards of humour, so I tend to ignore those realms of conversation.

Yes - I tend to agree. It's disheartening to find out that someone who you *thought* was rational and intelligent suddenly turns out to be, let's just say, someone whose political views you find to be not just disagreeable, but unable to reconcile with logic.

So, rather than have the endless debates about the obvious never-ending threads, it's just easier not to go there, at least not here. The closest we get regularly is VI vs EMACS, but the posts tend to be more a parody of the debate than real. After all, no reasonable person could possibly believe that EMACS was anything other than the spawn of the devil himself, so ...

>>Is this some unwritten law or saturation?
> Saturation?
> * Screwtape dumps a bucket of water on Enrico!

heh...heh...he said "bucket"...

Dave "No, really, EMACS users should all be shot. Every one of 'em." Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 28 Aug 2002 00:13:29 GMT

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> said:
> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>> I HAVE NOT FAILED, I HAVE ONLY DISCOVERED 10,000 WAYS THAT DIDN'T WORK. -- THOMAS A. EDISON
> Oddly, I've never succeeded in obtaining grant funding using this concept.

Even with all your publications in Spectac. Fail. Lett. and Austr. J. Seemed-Like-a-Good-Idea-at-the-Time?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies just submitted some stuff to J. Handwaving and Wild Speculation


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 13:42:27 +1000

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Even with all your publications in Spectac. Fail. Lett. and Austr. J. Seemed-Like-a-Good-Idea-at-the-Time?

Quite seriously, I had something very similar to that in the dedication part of my thesis.

> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies just submitted some stuff to J. Handwaving and Wild Speculation

I'm on the editorial board so I can't comment on this.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 08:36:22 +1000

TimC wrote:
>Sometimes I hate not getting root.


IJWTSTA


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 18 Aug 2002 12:51:38 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.NO.spam.webone.com.au> wrote:
> Sid wrote ...
>>"Daniel E. Macks"
>>>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies know how to tell if your house was built by a lesbian construction crew
>>Sid, doesn't
> AOL.
> Do tell.

They don't use studs; it's all tongue-in-groove.

Dave "I know a thing or two about construction, let me tell you..." Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 00:30:48 +1000

Chris Wesling wrote:
>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>> davehinz.spamcop.net wrote ...
>> >Dave "Lad, I don't know where you've been, but I see you've won first prize." Hinz
>> *Please* can I tell about the two pairs of Scotsmen now?
>If they're named Richard Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzrichard, we've heard it... No, wait, that's only one pair, isn't it. And Irishmen, to boot. Guess we haven't heard it after all. Carry on, then...

Can't believe I'm doin' this - and I haven't even been drinking.

*cough* Ben Doon and Phil McCracken *cough*
*cough* Ben Dover and Philip McCraic *cough*

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti must have racial memories of Scottish atrocities[1].

[1] And I don't mean just the Bay City Rollers.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Mon, 26 Aug 2002 14:09:22 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> wrote:
>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>
>; [2] Let's be silly:
>Ok.

>;      H   H H H   H
>;       \  | | |  /
>;      H-C-C-C-C-C-H
>;       /  | | |  \   O
>;      H   H H H   \ //
>;                 O=N=O [3]
>              A   A   A
>             | | | | | |
>           __| |_| |_| |___nnnnnn_____----____-===-----
>   _    __/--| |-| |-| |---~~~-------~~~---%==/~~%.
>O=|-|OOOOO--<=X===X===X=>-| | |-----| | |>  HHK   |
>   ~    ~~%--| |-| |-| |---___-------___---/==%__/'
>             | | | | | |
>             | | | | | |
>              V   V   V

You're right. That's the silliest-looking lightsaber ever.

-- D. "I suppose now you'll tell me it's actually a waffle iron." W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 2002 23:01:55 +1000

Daniel E. Macks wrote ...
>Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com> said:
>>> Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> said:
>>> > "AMYL effing NITRATE", you-you-you-you clowns, you!
>> [1] More (but not completely) accurately:
>> CH3-CH2-CH2-CH2-CH2NO3.[2][3]
>> [2] Let's be silly:

>      H   H H H   H
>       \  | | |  /
>      H-C-C-C-C-C-H
>       /  | | |  \   O
>      H   H H H   \ //
>                 O=N=O [3]

> Okay.
>> [3] Assuming, of course, that the amyl group's single valency is on one of the distal carbons.
> And that certain laws of physics have been revoked.

>  H H H H H
>  | | | | |
>H-C-C-C-C-C-O-N=O
>  | | | | |   |
>  H H H H H   O

>would be more likely. There are no known compounds having a simple NO3 fragment with a carbon bound to the N, and only one with a more complex C-NO3 core.

Fair enough, I sit correct and corrected. Although I assume that the "vertical" carbon-nitrogen bond you have there should be a double.

Sooooooo, is that actually the formula for anal nitrate?

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti is neither chocolate nor a starfish.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 09:44:42 GMT

TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> wrote:
>So we should be writing all our email in \LaTeX{}!

Oh, no, you're not borrowing another outfit until you return the wedding dress!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 26 Aug 2002 21:32:37 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com> said:
> Richard, courting disaster and offence in equal amounts.

So given the choice, which one would you ask on a second date?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have had their share of dating disasters


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 07:14:22 +1000

TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> wrote:
> I prefer Tetra Hydro Cannabinol.

"I was afraid of that," said the missionary to the four snorkelled natives.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 23 Aug 2002 00:59:38 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Chris Wesling')...done.
>Never took organic chem; wasn't required for Computer Science majors, and it *certainly* isn't the sort of thing you'd take for fun. Unless you have a really warped sense of fun.

Yeah, everyone knows the fun subjects are things like Latin and Psychology.

>Which applies to a lot of the people here, come to think of it.

Oh, no, I'm the sane one. Some of my friends chose to do *electrical engineering*!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Wed, 21 Aug 2002 19:46:26 -0400

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> [1] And I don't mean just the Bay City Rollers.

I hate to think of how badly I would have to be horsewhipped to force me to a) listen to their music, or b) wear their pants.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com>
Date: Fri, 16 Aug 2002 16:21:42 -0500

Hetta wrote:
> st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>> m_init(): spawning followupTo('Hetta')...done.
>> >Hetta (Just look at this mess, we haven't even cleaned out the hot tub from last time! Steveo, please take our guest out on the patio while we clean up, JIM, you do the vacuuming, Jason, please do the dishes, DW, you can dust the bookshelf, and GW, do take out the trash, there's a dear. Now ... <looks around> ... who's cooking?)
>> ...hey, where is JIM these days anyway?
> Oh, that's right, he's found something called a "life", whatever that is.
>> Screwtape,
> So, with JIM out, we'll need somebody else to vacuum. Congrats, Screwtape, you just volunteered!
> And Brantley, TimC, and Jeffrey can collect all the empty pizza boxes and

Awww, MAN! I just about had enough to build a minor fort. It would have been great too! Look, if we were under siege, we stay in the fort and eat the pizza bones from the box-walls.

What? /Gross?/ Well (*sniff*), I liked the idea.

> put them into the trash. No, not the one inside, the big one, on the curb.

Is Jeffrey the big one on the curb?

> See? RHOD is getting cleaner by the minute!

DAERTA minutia? :)

Hey! GREAT idea (#2)! Tim, Jeffrey and I can charge everyone /else/ by the minute for our cleaning services.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 2002 14:22:36 GMT

Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>> m_init(): spawning followupTo('Hetta')...done.
>> >Hetta (Just look at this mess, we haven't even cleaned out the hot tub from last time! Steveo, please take our guest out on the patio while we clean up, JIM, you do the vacuuming, Jason, please do the dishes, DW, you can dust the bookshelf, and GW, do take out the trash, there's a dear. Now ... <looks around> ... who's cooking?)

I'll do the cooking as soon as I'm done dusting the bookshelf. Can someone else put the books back?

>> ...hey, where is JIM these days anyway?
>Oh, that's right, he's found something called a "life", whatever that is.

I looked in the library and found the biography section. I looked in the closet and found a game. I looked for "a life" on Google and found two and a half million links. I looked for "life" on Usenet and found 23 million links, all different; no one could agree on what one was. I looked for "a life" on eBay, and found hundreds of books, movies, and music. I looked in the refrigerator and found an avocado. The seed is growing into a little tree.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 09:56:17 +1000

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> -- D. "Wondering what to name my avocado." W.

"Lefty."

Always keep 'em wondering, I say.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: De-Lurking - Political?
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 17:25:59 +0100

Teh (tî'pô) <lanzkron.fastmail.fm> writes
>[1] Does this mean that Viki is a testicle?

A woman came into my office last week and asked if I had a testicle. I directed her to Mr Hitler down the hall. Turns out she was after a testicular cancer self-examination model.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---*-*---Purveyor of balls to the NHS---



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