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2002 01 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Wed, 16 Jan 2002 04:28:55 -0000

Carla Miriam Levy (cml246.nyu.edu) wrote:
> Tom Tom Harrington wrote:
>> pieceoftheuniverse (potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com) wrote:
>> > Richard Fitzpatrick said:
>> >>Sara M wrote:
>> >>>Hey - did you know that the mould that grows on peanuts is the second most carcinogenic substance in the world?
>> >>Yup - aflatoxin, one of the greats. I'll ask - what is the first most carcinogenic substance in the world?
>> > Oxygen.
>> > No, really. Have you noticed that anyone who has ever had cancer has, at some point in their lives, breathed?
>> > Strange but true.
>> Right. And of course, being born is the number one cause of death, in all parts of the world, and regardless of ethnicity, gender, religion, or any other differentiating factor. Studies have shown that every single person who has been born has eventually died,
> Flawed studies. I can provide a large sampling (on the order of six billion) people who were born, but have not, in fact, died.

These studies also indicate that onset of death is generally delayed, with the delay ranging wildly from instantaneous to over 100 years. If you can provide any examples of death being delayed by more than, say, a few standard deviations beyond the mean (or to keep it simple, greater than 150 years), I'm sure the researchers would concede. Provided that reliable documentation can be provided, of course. In the absence of any such examples, they suggest that each of these individuals should be warned that they suffer from a fatal condition.


From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Look, there's no actual evidence that birth leads to death. Every study that has ever been done on the subject has either suffered from serious flaws or was inconclusive. There is in fact no scientific reason that birth should lead to death - look at the various forms of bacteria that have no upper limit to their lifespans. That the majority of humans have died after being born does not prove that a person who has been born cannot live a long, healthy, active life. Absence of proof is not proof of absence. And, of course, I could throw the question back at you - I could say that *not* being born is certainly fatal. After all, can you produce a single human being who has not been born who is in good health and not, in fact, dead?

Why, yes, I do work for the tobacco industry, why do you ask?

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Cleopatra VII)
Date: Sun, 27 Jan 2002 23:58:13 GMT

Hetta <hetta_k.jippii.fi> wrote:
>dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>> The evidence goes against that, as well. A high proportion of people who remember their past lives were famous in their past lives. Perhaps this is a bias in whether memories of past lives are recovered, but there are an awful lot of people running around who used to be Cleopatra.
>Oh, you too? Funny, I don't remember it being all that crowded in her head back then...

Dahling! I'm sure you'll see my/our point, then -- life would be *so* much better if only a few of our slaves would remember *their* past lives and devote themselves again to serving our every wish.

-- Cleo.
I don't ask much, a few thousand will do nicely.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 16 Jan 2002 13:07:04 -0700

Ian Davis said:
>the number of humans currently alive is greater than the total number of humans that have previously lived (incidentally, this is an interesting refutation of reincarnation theories).

Well, not really. Incarnation can bring you back as many things: a cockroach, for instance, or an oak tree. Seeing as how there used to be more species of plant and animal than there are now (something on the order of 60:1, give or take a few), it's more likely that the humans that exist now are human only because of the lack of anything else to incarnate into.

Which explains quite a bit more than it probably should, really. Ever think someone was a snake? Or think the person you're talking to has the IQ of primordial slime? Chances are, you're right.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - fortunately, I was me in a previous life.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 25 Jan 2002 04:29:42 -0000

Jim Evans (jevans.physics.uottawa.ca) wrote:
>> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>> > Well, more humans alive than dead is only a piece of it. There is still the question of the First Batch; that is, the total number of incarnated souls in the universe. Once we pass that number, what happens? Is it even possible? Or maybe that's what the occasional bout of disasters is for; it's a control mechanism to keep us from overflowing the buffer.
>> > And, hell, who could blame the universe? *I* certainly wouldn't want to be the one responsible for the Ultimate Stack Overflow.
> Doubt it's even a problem. The Universe seems pretty well debugged

Since the universe expands, it's not a problem. More bits are constantly being added, so the danger of overflow is eternally delayed.

But if the "big crunch" theory is correct, the fan's really going to shit a brick in a few billion years, so watch out.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 27 Jan 2002 04:08:45 +1100

Daniel E. Macks schrieb:
>So that whole red-shift astrol^Hnomers keep seeing is just the return-values from a series of cosmic malloc()s?

Just thinking about the word "astronomy"..

An astronome is to stars, as a metronome is to cities?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: Rhodnius <erik.SPAMFILTER-dos486.com>
Date: Wed, 16 Jan 2002 20:48:20 -0500

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>I have followed this thread with interest. Arthur C. Clarke pointed out in "2001" that the dead outnumbered the living by 30:1. Although that was probably true in the 1960s it is no longer the case, and in fact the number of humans currently alive is greater than the total number of humans that have previously lived (incidentally, this is an interesting refutation of reincarnation theories). Therefore, I have to agree with Jim: most people who have been born have in fact never died.

I feel compelled to refute the math, though trolling you may be... The world population has no more than quadrupled since 1960, so if it was 30:1 then, it's no less than 8:1 dead:alive now.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 07:47:41 +1100

Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu> wrote:
> Why does anyone sell them life insurance, I wonder?

Think about it. What is insurance?

You: I bet I die before I'm 60!
Them: I bet you don't!
Your partner: Shut up and eat your mushrooms.

[August 17, 2017]
Them: Bugger.

Insurance: the bet you keep raising but desperately want to lose.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 16 Jan 2002 12:58:56 -0700

Carla Miriam Levy said:
>Flawed studies. I can provide a large sampling (on the order of six billion) people who were born, but have not, in fact, died.

Hold on a minute, and I'll make that list of yours obsolete.


While I'm searching for my thermonuclear missiles (I know I put them in my room *somewhere*), here's an interesting thought: most Christian sects believe themselves to be "born again." Does this mean they die twice?

--
pieceoftheuniverse - never been born, but I have been created quite a few times.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2002 15:52:55 -0700

Daniel E. Macks said:
>Sagacious Euphemism <johnyaya137.earthlink.don'tspamonme.net> said:
>> pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>>>And who here hasn't been tempted to eat a bit of gold to see if you could absorb some of its properties?
>> Like being almost completely inert? It never occured to me before, but it sounds... interesting.
>Well if platinum is used to treat cancer, maybe gold can be used to treat slightly-less-serious diseases.

Yes! Gold fights the common cold!

You know, with these metals being used to fight diseases, you've got to wonder about how everyone was clamouring -- about five years ago, anyway -- to save the rainforests, because they might hold the cure for a lot of ailments.

Now it turns out they were right -- if you stripmine, that is.

>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like it aurully

Through one ear and right out the other?

--
pieceoftheuniverse - drive-by curings.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 21 Jan 2002 01:55:44 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> said:
>"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>> Well if platinum is used to treat cancer, maybe gold can be used to treat slightly-less-serious diseases.
> Gold has been used for the treatment of rheumatoid arthritis for several decades.

Oh crap, I didn't know we were being serious here.

So then also gold for liver imaging, and implantible for radiotherapy.

> Several other elements are useful in medicine: cobalt (Co-60, as a source of gamma photons), titanium (surgical prostheses), cesium (radiation), radium (not used much these days), iron (anemia), lithium (manic depressive psychosis), silicon (cosmetic implants), arsenic (leukemia - got to watch those doses pretty carefully), neon (so we can turn the lights on), plutonium (for that pesky patient that just won't go away).

Why not just use a whole lot of helium? Then you can have an office pool for where he lands, plus he's now someone else's problem.

> I'm not counting nutritional supplementation of K, I, Ca, Mg, Se, Zn etc (they're mostly compounds anyway), nor the positron emitting isotopes used for imaging.

Bismuth for indigestion and syphilis.

Fluorine for a boat-load of things, including anthrax.

Probably most important are Y, Eu, and Tb, such that you can see your monitor and buy miracle weight-loss-breast-and/or-erection-enhancing drugs on-line.

'aven't we discussed Gd-based MRI contrast agents in RHOD before?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have the shortest T1, milligram for milligram, of any creature in the universe


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: "stimpy" <stimpy.SPAM.wgt.org.uk>
Date: Fri, 25 Jan 2002 00:05:32 GMT

Daniel E. Macks wrote...
> Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> said:
> > Hetta schrieb:
> >>"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> >>> Probably most important are Y, Eu, and Tb, such that you can see your
> >>Why, you, and Tuberculosis?
> > No, no, Yttrium, Euphonium, and Tuba.
> What's a tuba for?

it's a musical plank of wood.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 29 Jan 2002 15:37:36 -0600

Ian Davis wrote:
> "Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> > Ian Davis said:
> > > (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> > >> "Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> > >> >What's a tuba for?
> > >> It's for calling all the henways to come in out of the snew.
> > > Nope, not a single nibble. Bad luck, mate.
> > Okay, wise-guy, why don't *you* tell us what a henway is?
> > dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies break jokes for fun and profit
> <mode=joke-repair><accent=sthcarolina>
> Abayot a payund anna hayaf.
> </></>
> Ian.
> What's a profit?

It's what gets made when you sell a lot of amatas.

From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
> What's a profit?
One of them guys that sits aroun' predictin' the fyooture.
Someday I want to open a pub and call it "The Fun and Profit".
.
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
> What's a profit?
That's when John McEnroe hears the word "out" and throws his tennis racquet at the line judge.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: Eli the Bearded <*.qz.little-neck.ny.us>
Date: 21 Jan 2002 22:57:46 GMT

Kenny Hutchings <kenny_hutchings.email.com> wrote:
: > I see dead people.
: You are in a room, the walls are black with red spatters of blood.
: There is a door to the east, and the tunnel to the darkness is behind you to the west.
: Exits are: east, west.
:
: You see dead people.
: There is a knife here.

> take knife
You are now holding a knife.

> examine dead people
There are several decayed corpses and one fresh corpse.

> examine fresh corpse
He appears to have been stabbed to death.: no fewer than ten bloody holes are visible on his shirt.

> eat fresh corpse
[picking it up first]

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[Your score has gone up.]

> west
You are in a dark room. It is very warm here and there is a foul lingering smell.


From: Hetta <hetta_k.jippii.fi>
> examine smell
It seems to emanate from your right.

> turn right
You cautiously turn to your right. You notice a large cavern with stalactites and stalagmites.

> go cavern
You negotiate the stalagmites and walk into the cavern, yelping as you sink to your ankles into a strange damp softness.

> examine cavern
You poke into corners here and there, noticing that the stalagmites and -tites end at the other end of the cave, giving way to a dark corridor. You are getting scared. A really foul wind blows towards you every now and then.

You have a knife.


From: surfbaud.allyourclothes.waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

I wouldn't put an adventurer in MY mouth.

You don't know where they've been.

Dave
unless you scroll back


From: Hetta <hetta_k.jippii.fi>

<SNAP>

Hmmm, needs salt.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I wish...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Tue, 22 Jan 2002 05:55:04 GMT

A group of grues claiming to be Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Kenny Hutchings said:
>; Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>; > Thomas Koenig said:
>; > ; Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
>; > ; >Studies have shown that every single person who has been born has eventually died,
>; > ; Were these studies done by dead people?
>; > I see dead people.
>; You are in a room, the walls are black with red spatters of blood. There is a door to the east, and the tunnel to the darkness is behind you to the west.
>; Exits are: east, west.
>; You see dead people.
>; There is a knife here.
>Look knife

Knife cuts you off (so to speak), "No, you look here! There I was expecting to live out my life spreading nice things like butter and marmalade and then some git decides 'OOH, so how's a bit of Marmite?' or 'Now, nothing's better than a heaping gob of Vegemite' or even 'Mmm, Peanut butter and creamcheese, on a cinnimon raisin bagle, Yum!'. Do you have any idea what that's like? Listen, that stuff is flat out, one hundred percent FOUL! Have you ever heard any sane person say something like: 'No fresh jam for me please, can't stand the stuff', or 'Oh- my-God! You actually LIKE butter?' No, it's always the crud at the far end of the table, where no-one else even thinks about going. You lot slather on the stuff with expiry dates that go well into the next millennium. So I did it!! YOU HEAR ME!! I DID IT!! I had to make the madness stop!"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Google adds Usenet archives going back to May 1981
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 16 Jan 2002 16:26:53 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>Comrade Viki wrote:
>> Jim Evans wrote:
>> > JIM, backer than back, baby!
>> Woo HOO! JIM needs a back scratch?
>> Viki, offering her fingernails for said scratching
> Well, if you're offering... Just mind the Art Garfunkel tattoo, it's still healing.

That's just ...disturbing...

Dave "And here, I thought I was unshockable" Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1240
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Wed, 16 Jan 2002 21:46:50 -0500

Viki wrote:
> Robot Karate Man wrote:
>> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>>I assume y'all used to sing a verse to "Kokomo", something like "Key Largo, Key West; I want to touch your breast"?
>> "Key Largo, Miami, I wanna touch your fanny."
> "Key Largo, Orlando, Oh let me move your hand-o"

Key Largo, Uranus...um, nevermind.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The operation was a success
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 20:43:47 -0500

Comrade pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> Lord Insidious, World Dominator said:
> >I went to a national chain to get a new CD-ROM drive, Win98SE, and a USB card (to be put on in that order).
> Into your body? That's a bit scary.
> I wouldn't run so much as Linux on *my* brain, but that's just my opinion. Windows 98 would be right out, though.

My brain's currently running Mac OS 7.6. I'm a little low on memory, but I haven't crashed for x088F $subj FLORT --


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The operation was a success
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2002 04:49:17 -0000

pieceoftheuniverse (potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com) wrote:
> So the Computer Gods not only smile upon you, but make miracles happen in your immediate vicinity. Tell me, have you noticed the ability to turn water into wine, or be able to raise the dead?
> Or, if it's just computer-esque miracles: turn serial ports into USB, or resurrect a file from dev/null?

I have the gift of the temporary healing touch. Broken systems magically heal when I lay my hands on them, and then break again as soon as I disappear. This came in handy when I worked in tech support.

I also have the power to defy minimum system requirements. I have wantonly installed hardware drivers on operating systems far too old, and had them work. I have installed memory-bloated operating systems on boxes with half the required RAM and made them work.

Not to mention the previously-described power to spontaneously create hardware drivers by pure force of thought.

I am available for parties, and for immediate hire on temporary or permanent basis.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Win2k/Registry woes
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2002 20:36:32 -0500

Comrade Donald Welsh wrote:
> Hetta <hetta_k.jippii.fi> wrote:
> >Doug Upbones <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> >> Comrade Donald Welsh wrote:
> >> > Ben <ben.fisher.intel.spam.buster.com> wrote:
> >> >
> >> > >Ben
> >> > >back after hiatus.
> >> > >did you even notice I was gone?
> >> >
> >> > That's a bad haiku
> >> > Five, seven, five syllables
> >> > Is more usual
> >> >
> >> > RHOD haiku takes thought
> >> > Requiring reference to zinc
> >> > Rather than seasons
> >>
> >> French haiku master
> >> Says I zinc therefore I am
> >> Cartesian rhodism
> >
> >That was terrible
> >I never knew you could zinc
> >that low. Bottom rocks.
>
> You thought that was bad?
> I nearly invited "Doug"
> To the barbecue

Malformed rhod haiku
Even zen space skeletons
Cannot replace zinc.

JIM, if we wanted burnt rubber at the barbecue, we'd get Dumpie to wear a condom

From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Martha Stewart says:
"Always remove packaging
Before cooking meat."

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Win2k/Registry woes
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2002 20:57:43 -0500

"TechnoAtheist" <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com> wrote:
> Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
> > Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> >> Malformed rhod haiku
> >> Even zen space skeletons
> >> Cannot replace zinc.
> >
> >Ian and the girls
> >Phillip Island vacation
> >Great film: Monster Zinc
>
> Personally, I
> can not stand it whenever I
> see good zinc gone bad.

Conversational
haiku's not easy to write
when zinc must appear.
--
Ken
Visit my kids at http://www.geocities.com/kmadams85/

Personal item
New baby will be here soon
Four kids are a lot.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Win2k/Registry woes
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 25 Jan 2002 00:35:20 +1100

Donald Welsh wrote:
>Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >Donald Welsh wrote:
> >> davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> >> >Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
> >> >> "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net> wrote:
> >> >>> "stimpy" <stimpy.SPAM.wgt.org.uk> wrote:
> >> >>> > Jeffrey Kaplan wrote...
> >> >>> > > Ken Adams said:
> >> >>> > > ; Conversational
> >> >>> > > ; haiku's not easy to write
> >> >>> > > ; when zinc must appear.
> >> >>> > >
> >> >>> > > Slight change of plans now
> >> >>> > > Using aluminum, you
> >> >>> > > Can forget the zinc
> >> >>> >
> >> >>> > Zinc about us brits,
> >> >>> > We say it another way
> >> >>> > Aluminium.
> >> >>> >
> >> >>> Aluminium.
> >> >>> Another indication
> >> >>> Brits don't speak English.
> >> >
> >> >> Sodum, potassum
> >> >> Aluminum, yes, I see
> >> >> Let's go back to zinc.
> >> >
> >> >All these elements,
> >> >Appearing in these Haiku,
> >> >Why not rhodium?
> >>
> >> Zinc is quite useful
> >> It stops certain viruses
> >> Like herpes simplex
> >>
> >> Lowly metal, zinc
> >> Along with Vitamin C
> >> Fights the common cold
> >
> >Ahhh but for vampires
> >Zinc is just about useless.
> >Only *garlic* works.
>
> Garlic or a stake
> Driven through the heart -- these are
> The silver bullet

Garlic *on* a steak?
Quickest way to a man's heart,
And much less messy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Win2k/Registry woes
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 26 Jan 2002 19:17:39 GMT

Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net> said:
} davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
}> All these elements,
}> Appearing in these Haiku,
}> Why not rhodium?
}
} What's nice about zinc
} is that it only uses
} up one syllable.
}
} When writing haiku,
} syllables are scarce resource --
} must be conserv'd. Zinc.

No syllable woes
With even the longest one:
Gadolinium.

And that's not alone!
Praseodymium too. And
Mendelevium.

Protactinium.
Also Americium,
Californium,

Neodymium...
Oh crap, that's all the fivers.
May as well use zinc.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Win2k/Registry woes
From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
Date: Sat, 19 Jan 2002 02:51:11 GMT

"Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net> writes:
> Conversational
> haiku's not easy to write
> when zinc must appear.

Think I'll try one, too.
Not as easy as it looks.
What was I zincing?

> --
> Ken
> Visit my kids at http://www.geocities.com/kmadams85/
>
> Personal item
> New baby will be here soon
> Four kids are a lot.

W. C. Fields:
"How do I like kids? Well done!"
Congratulatzinc.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm like a McArthur droid
From: Kenny Hutchings <kenny_hutchings.email.com>
Date: Tue, 22 Jan 2002 23:16:14 +0000

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
> Sara M schrieb:
> >Screwtape wrote:
> >> Sid schrieb:
> >> >Don't forget the nose ring and the stupid beer tattoo.
> >> What does a beer tattoo sound like?
> >"AAAAAARGH!"
> >And then your mum clips you around the *other* ear and grounds you?
> Am I to assume the clip around the first ear was connected to a source of voltage?

Yes. Remember kids: recharge your ears regularly, otherwise they'll run out of power at the most inconvenient times.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm like a McArthur droid
From: Kitsune Nine Tail <kitsune9tl.hotmail.com>
Date: Tue, 22 Jan 2002 19:41:01 -0800

Screwtape wrote:
> Am I to assume the clip around the first ear was connected to a source of voltage?

Seems that it was at least connected to a source of "What?"-age.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy, Happy
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2002 23:02:34 -0500

Comrade Screwtape wrote:
> Jim Evans schrieb:
> >Comrade Sara M wrote:
> >> Darn - we're going to need a *lot* of toast...
> >Don't worry.
> >*WHUMP!*
> >I bought the extra-large loaf.
> That would be the prandial delight the French call a "Husband-masher", would it not?

That's what *she* said!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Good: 0, Evil: 14,872,198,203
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Fri, 25 Jan 2002 01:39:06 -0500

Ian Davis wrote:
> tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>> >> My biggest gripe is still that I have to switch between web browsers
>> > IRTA "web trousers."
>> Is that anything like fishnet pantyhose?
> After due testing, and much to my horror - yes, it is.

Horror, indeed. Watching you force a sheep to wear lingerie is perhaps the most disturbing sight imaginable.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Good: 0, Evil: 14,872,198,203
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2002 11:49:21 -0700

davehinz.spamcop.net said:
>Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>> Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
>>> My biggest gripe is still that I have to switch between web browsers
>> IRTA "web trousers."
>Ian, you've got issues. That's all I'm gonna say.
>Actually, no, that's not all I'm gonna say. Now you've gone and done it.
>"A list of error messages if Microsoft made trousers".
>- "An unknown process has caused an unknown error in your trousers. Please exit your trousers and try again".

- "Memory stack: pants overflow."

>Dave "is it gonna fly in this group, or not?" Hinz

To test, I printed this message out, folded it into a paper airplane, and threw it out the window. It dropped twenty feet, hit the ground, and was promptly run over by a car.

Anything that performs so splendidly in the real world *must* fly in this group.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - so speaks I, but what do I know?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Good: 0, Evil: 14,872,198,203
From: Hetta <hetta_k.jippii.fi>
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2002 22:02:50 +0200

pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> - "Memory stack: pants overflow."

TMI, potu.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Good: 0, Evil: 14,872,198,203
From: Kenny Hutchings <kenny_hutchings.email.com>
Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2002 10:43:32 +0000

tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
> Chris Wesling (cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net) wrote:
> > Tom Tom Harrington wrote:
> >> Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu) wrote:
> >> > Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
> >> >> Comrade Ian Davis wrote:
> >> >>> Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
> >> >>> > My biggest gripe is still that I have to switch between web browsers
> >> >>> IRTA "web trousers."
> >> >> Anyone else picturing Wallace sitting in front of a Rube Goldburgesque workstation, accidentally booting up Netscape and crying out, "It's the wrong browser, Grommit!" ?
> >> > I thought Apple killed off Cyberdog.
> >> Tragically, they did not. <http://www.cyberdog.net/>
> > Oh, good Lord. The intro alone scared me off from finding out what the site was actually about. Something about the world of *fashion*? Weird...
> Something, yes. What, I can't say, because although it sounds like I stayed longer than you, I never did figure out what the hell they were talking about.
> Moof the Cyberdog would pee on their legs if he was still around.

I think you'll find the page you're looking for is http://www.cyberdog.org, not .net. The .net site is a chain of clothing stores in the UK (I have one just down the road from me in Manchester) that sells a multitude of clothing for going out to clubs.

Not your ORDINARY kind of regular club, though. No 'smart casual' shirts and shoes. Not even your rock clubs with hooded tops and black hair dye (who look quite normal and sensible by comparison).

No, these are clubs, typically like Gatecrasher in Sheffield, where the rule is: If it doesn't dayglo, UV-glow or light up in some sporadic and optic-nerve assaulting fashion, then no-one will see it (apparently this is a major tragedy). The 'crasher kids' (as they are known) come from all over the country to sport their dayglo green dresses and UV face paints for maybe three or four hours competing on a dancefloor where those who need the least ambient lighting to be observed win the most attention from their fellows. It's a wholly strange affair, and most of them aren't even on drugs, which raises huge doubts about the rising middle generation of UK people, and where they'll lead us in 10 years time. I think it may be time to emigrate, before the government sponsor a project to block out the sun and replace it with a 60GW UV lamp.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Good: 0, Evil: 14,872,198,203
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 25 Jan 2002 17:01:45 -0000

Jim Evans (jevans.physics.uottawa.ca) wrote:
> Would now be an appropriate time for a statement vis-a-vis felines and halitosis due to a specialised dietary requirement?

My cat's breath smells like my goldfish. And my goldfish isn't at home right now.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Good: 0, Evil: 14,872,198,203
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2002 08:21:58 -0700

Viki said:
>Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>> Ha ha! Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb.
>And because Viki needs a job.

Quite so. If not for evil, where would lawyers be today?


Hmm.

Probably at Litigators Anonymous meetings.

"Hi, I'm Carlos, and I'm a Lawyer."

"Hi, Carlos!"

"I've been subpoena free for the past three weeks and counting, though I did feel the urge to sue a chain of fast-food restaurants for serving hot coffee."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Scalded. I was going to go to the hospital, but then I remembered that I wanted to sue a doctor there because he abused me with a tongue depressor."

"Abused, Carlos?"

"Well, okay, so he pressed a little harder on my tongue than I would have liked."

"That's better. Who's next?"

"Hi, I'm Sarah, and I'm a Lawyer."

"Hi, Sarah!"

--
pieceoftheuniverse - ah, what all lawyers truly need: therapy.

Well, that, and an exorcism. But only for some of them.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Another "who are you most like" thingy
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 27 Jan 2002 04:01:23 +1100

Tom "Tom" Harrington schrieb:
>Chris Wesling (cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net) wrote:
>> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>>> http://www.lifesupportal.com/cgi-bin/php.cgi/LOTR/intro.htm
>>> I'm most like Aragorn.
>> Gimli. Gimli? Why Gimli? I could see Sam or Frodo, but Gimli?
>> Must have been because I checked "Rarely" on "Do you like the countryside?" Too much of a city boy to be a proper hobbit...
>Either that, or you don't smoke and drink enough.
>I got Boromir. Sigh. Anybody here have a cool ring I could see?

Bah. You are *so* glad DMP's not here. : )


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oracle-fest '02
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 24 Jan 2002 22:55:05 GMT

Tim Chew <twchew.mindspring.com> said:
> Well, here goes nothing...
> All Internet Oracle users are hereby invited to Oracle-fest '02 in late June. I will be hosting the event.
> There will several priests in attendance, including our fearless leader. I am also negotiating with a special guest celebrity.
> I am be deliberately vague, as I don't want to attract the nut-cases.

Sure...come and brag about this fancy-shmancy dinner you're having for some of your priest(ess) buddies but don't invite any of us.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wouldn't attend any BBQ that would see fit to invite them


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dangers of reading too much
From: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk.artlogix.com>
Date: 28 Jan 2002 07:45:44 GMT

tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) writes:
| So, last year I used the imminent arrival of the LOTR movie as an exuse to finally read the books. I enjoyed them enough that I followed up by reading "The Hobbit". Now I'm tackling Silmarillion, and so far I'm winning the battle.

Good for you.

| Of course, it wouldn't be Tolkien if there weren't at least nineteen different names for every person, place, race, or object.

Well, he borrowed that from a number of other mythological tales, I'm afraid,
but it does make The Silmarillion into a pretty hard slog at times.

| And last week I learned one of the other names for Middle Earth, one that has haunted my imagination with frightening possibilities since then. What is it? I'll pause a moment while those who have read the book think about which name could cause such concern. And I'll eliminate the most obvious choice by saying that, while the hill named Tuna made me giggle a bit, it's not that.
| Done? OK, I'll tell. Middle Earth is also known as "Endor".

Yep. From the Quenya 'ened' (middle) and 'dor' (land).

| Endor, you might recall, played a prominent role in "Return of the Jedi", and was mainly known as the home of George Lucas' second real sin against the viewer's intelligence, by which I of course mean the Ewoks. The first sin, of course, was the legendary Star Wars Thanksgiving special of about 1978.

Rumor has it that Lucas got the name from the Tolkien mythos, and that the Ewoks were sort of a "primitive hobbit," but I haven't been able to track down a good reference.

| Endor seemed to be heavily forested, with tall, imposing trees. Which makes it a lot like, say, Lothlorien. Or Valinor, for that matter.

Bite your tongue. Lothlorien and Valinor were inhabited by Elves, who weren't short, tubby, fuzzy or prone to speak in chitters.

On the other hand, I hear you can get fifty bucks a pelt for Ewoks.

| So: Hobbitses, Elvses, Orcses, and... Ewokses? I just know that Gollum would say that we hates them for ever, and I would agree.

I didn't mind the Ewoks *so* much in and of themselves. But as a stilted, overdone plot device, and as a poor imitation of The Lord of the Rings (think about it), I was sure hoping that the stormtroopers would start carrying cans of lighter fluid.

Interestingly enough, Warwick Davis (the person playing the title character of "Willow") played Wicket in Return of the Jedi, *and* both The Ewok Adventure and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor, played two characters in a couple of the Chronicles of Narnia miniseries, and was considered early on for the role of Frodo (and later, Gimli) in the recent LotR/FotR movie. So the connection is slightly stronger than you think. :)

(A shame, too. I like Warwick Davis a lot. On the other hand, his walk [a product of scoliosis?] would have made the running sequences fairly unconvincing. At least he got a role in the Harry Potter film. Actually, two.)

| If Morgoth could so corrupt wayward Elves tht he created the Orcs, I really have to tremble at what he could have done with a few wandering Ewoks.

It was Sam's first view of a battle of Men against Men, and he did not like it much. He was glad that he could not see the dead face. He wondered what the man's name was and where he came from; and if he was really evil of heart, or what lies or threats had led him on the long march from his home; and if he would not really rather have stayed there in peace---all in a flash of thought which was quickly driven from his mind. For just as Mablung stepped towards the fallen body, there was a new noise. Great crying and shouting. Amidst it Sam heard a shrill shrieking and trumpeting. And then tiny footsteps thudding, like furry loafs of bread hitting the ground.

"Ware! Ware!" cried Damrod to his companion. "May the Valar turn him aside! Ewok! Ewok!"

To his astonishment and terror, and lasting disgust, Sam saw a tiny shape hop out of the trees and come bouncing down the slope. About as large as a hobbit, covered with fur, and with opaque, bug-like eyes, it looked to him as a product of an unholy pairing of a rat and a Pekingese; sort of a hairy bipedal flat-faced rat with arms.

Skepticism, perhaps, tainted him in the hobbit's eyes, but the Ewok of Harad was indeed a beast of little brain, and the like of him does not walk now in Middle Earth; his kin that live still in science fiction films are but dim memories of his merchandisability. On he came, straight towards the watchers, chittering madly and brandishing a slightly sharpened stick.

Without a word, Mablung brought the pommel of his sword down on the Ewok's head with a resounding crack, and the furry creature dropped to the ground.

"Ugh. I hate these things," Mablung exclaimed. "Verily the evil of Sauron is revealed."
.

---Not The Two Towers, also not Book 2 of the Lord of the Rings with apologies to the entire Tolkien estate


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