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2002 07 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Question about Priests and Submissions
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 30 Jun 2002 09:50:16 +0100

Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> writes
>> Richard Wilson wrote:
>>> Or it did, right up until DRI happened. But even after that, the middle order was as follows:

8. Paul Kelly 3.301 (8 answers)
9. Alyce Wilson 3.268 (17 answers!)
10. Ian Davis 3.256 (10 answers)

>>> So chin up, bucko - either things are not as bad as you feared, or else Ian takes a lot of holidays. Of course, his predilection for the largely unknown TV series "Up Pompeii" doesn't help his case.
>> There's something vaguely unsettling about finding out that Ian is "sucking hind teat" on the ol' Molerat, so to speak.

Actually, there's something vaguely unsettling about that whole teat sucking metaphor. Let's maintain a minimum standard of taste and stick to autocoprophagy, shall we?

Anyway, as I explained, that's the *middle* order. Of the 5 moleratalities or more squad, Mad Tim Chew and Dave Hemming achieve lower average scores (Tim had a lapse of concentration round about digest 1171, and Hemmo goes for obscure poetic parodies which few of the voters get), whilst Leo Schwab, having picked only 4, trails the pack with 3.095 (the moral is: don't pick answers about .net gods of old).

There's fertile ground for conspiracy theories when it comes to trying to figure out why priestly averages for moleratalities are so much higher than overall averages. How many other serial incarnations have found this happening to them? I mean, I've written plenty of crap answers in my time. Whose crap answers are getting preferential treatment, eh? Enquiring minds need to know.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----who will henceforward use "teat sucker" as a term of abuse--
--*----(who knows, there might be another TOIJ in it for you, FC)--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Question about Priests and Submissions
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 30 Jun 2002 18:09:36 +0100

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> writes
>Richard Wilson wrote
>> Whose crap answers are getting preferential treatment, eh?
>Why is it, I wonder, that I got a mental image of Anne Robinson behind a pivoting podium when I read that question?

Damn, he's uncovered my secret identity.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*---It was all those rude comments about the--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*-Welsh that were the giveaway, right?---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Question about Priests and Submissions
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Wed, 03 Jul 2002 15:34:29 GMT

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>Actually, there's something vaguely unsettling about that whole teat sucking metaphor. Let's maintain a minimum standard of taste and stick to autocoprophagy, shall we?

Okay. Autocoprophagy is impossible to prevent in rabbits. Bunnies have flexible spines, you know.

Chickens will die of deficiency disease if prevented from coprophagy, e.g. by being kept on a wire-bottomed cage.

And of course everyone knows why a farm dog will follow a new calf.

There you go. Auto-, intra-, and inter-species in one post.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Question about Priests and Submissions
From: nospam.nospam.invalid (Chuck Linsley)
Date: Wed, 03 Jul 2002 18:02:40 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
>Okay. Autocoprophagy is impossible to prevent in rabbits. Bunnies have flexible spines, you know.

Perhaps not completely impossible, but darned difficult. One of our rabbits had a bit of surgery, and had to wear one of those conical plastic collars you've probably seen on dogs, so he wouldn't chew his stitches. He was remarkably efficient in getting out of it, not completely, but enough that he could, well, yuck. In fact, we were told to take the collar off for an hour a day so that he could.

>And of course everyone knows why a farm dog will follow a new calf.

No. Maybe farm boys know why a farm dog follows a new calf, but us city slickers don't, although from the context it's not hard to guess. However, I think I was happier not knowing.

>There you go. Auto-, intra-, and inter-species in one post.

Auto-. He said stick to auto-, but did you listen? No. Thank you, Donald, so very much.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Question about Priests and Submissions
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sat, 06 Jul 2002 20:52:49 -0400

Richard Wilson wrote:
> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
> --*----who will henceforward use "teat sucker" as a term of abuse--
> --*----(who knows, there might be another TOIJ in it for you, FC)--

Make it "Sucker of the hind teats of naked molerats," and I think it might catch on.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 1 Jul 2002 01:30:55 GMT

Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> said:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('Chris Wesling')...done.
>>Screwtape wrote:
>>> SETIHGGA, we get signal!
>>Okay, I've seen this a couple of times now. SETI I know, but HGGA? Sounds like something to do with the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, except for the A...
> Ah, another TOIJ explanation.
> SETIHGGA: I believe it was Daniel E. Macks who suggested that the SETI project would have had a much easier time winning public approval, and hence funding, if it was known as the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence and Hot Girl-Girl Action.

Naw...Bill East I think.

I just raised the HGGA part to an art form.

Okay, performance art.

Okay, I was in the audience.

Okay, it was a peep-show.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder why his date keeps pulling the shade back down and refunding a bunch of quarters


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 01 Jul 2002 08:21:10 +1000

"Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
> Viki, who's best days might be behind her...

So, quick! Turn around!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 1 Jul 2002 17:24:54 +0100

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> writes
> Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
>> --*----*--Father of no rhod TOIJ worth mentioning and proud of it--
>Oh, you have more than enough to answer for, my friend...
> http://www.molerat.demon.co.uk/zadoc.htm

The words "worth" and "mentioning" were there for a reason, old top.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----weathering the transition from Beckhamolatry--
--*-----*--*----*----*--to Henmania as well as can be expected-*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Tue, 02 Jul 2002 08:50:55 -0600

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> > Fierce Cookie wrote:
> > ; Hah. You're the reason the whole world makes fun of Americans as being complete dolts when it comes to world geography. Next you'll be saying that Canada is a whole country or something else ludicrous like that.
> > Of course it's not. Canada is the 51st state. We only let them think they're their own country.
> Um, Jeffrey? I'm pretty sure you're thinking of New Mexico.

Eh, New Mexico, Old Mexico, what the hell's the difference, really? It's all Mexico. Next you'll be saying that New York is not the same thing as York.

> Dave "I wonder if they speak Latin down in Latin America?" Hinz

I wonder why we speak English when we're not in England.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net>
Date: Wed, 03 Jul 2002 11:10:15 -0700

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> Chris Wesling wrote:
> > "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein
> Yeah, sez yoo.

The trouble is, too many people take that to mean that since they're encountering violent opposition, they must have great spirits. When usually, in fact, they're encountering violent opposition because they're bloody loonies.

Chris "Present company excepted, of course" Wesling


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Thu, 04 Jul 2002 23:52:33 +1000

Al Sharka wrote:
>davehinz wrote
>> Al Sharka wrote:
>>> Have you seen that guy, Roy, on PBS try to make something with only hand tools? What a goofball.
>> Hey now, wait just a damn minute. Don't dis the Roy. He's a freaking genius. *much* more talent than Norm "let's use 20 grand worth of tools today - anyone can make this stuff" Abrams.
>> FWIW, my 4 year old daughter prefers Roy as well, but Norm or even Bob will do in a pinch.
>> Dave "Harrumpf, indeed!" Hinz
>I didn't say he wasn't talented, just that he's a goofball. Kind of a Steve Irwin of woodworking.

I don't know this guy but now he sounds just plain scary.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Sat, 06 Jul 2002 14:28:14 GMT

Also Sprach GW De Lacey:
> Malc, IIRC, led the anti-oregano faction from the front, and maintains his position to this day.

As a result of which I have cramp in my left buttock.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2002 12:15:02 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Brantley Hudson')...done.
>davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>> Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> wrote:
>>> While we're in explanatory mode... IIRC and HTH HAND anyone?
>>> *blush* I've lurked long enough to know, but don't.
>> If I recall correctly.
>> Happy to help; have a nice day,
>I surmised the HTH part (actually thought it was Hope that helped), but the Have a nice day part threw me.

afda has a regional variation, "HANDA", for "Have a nice diurnal anomaly" - from the planet Ursa Minor Beta in the HHGTTG series which, because of some freak of topography, was almost entirely covered in sub-tropical coastline, and where it was, for some freakish chronological reason, always Saturday evening just before the beach-bars closed.

>Any takers on IIRC ?

You mean there's an Interesting IRC? I'm stuck on the boring old regular kind. :


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2002 11:50:00 -0600

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
> afda has a regional variation, "HANDA", for "Have a nice diurnal anomaly" - from the planet Ursa Minor Beta in the HHGTTG series which, because of some freak of topography, was almost entirely covered in sub-tropical coastline, and where it was, for some freakish chronological reason, always Saturday evening just before the beach-bars closed.

And here I was thinking that HANDA was "have a nice day, asshole".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2002 12:16:22 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('sjc')...done.
>Once again, thank you all. The universe will now explode for your pleasure.

Wow. What kind of drinks do you serve in this place?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FAQ help, please
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 11:52:01 +1000

Sniffnoy the Swordfish wrote:
>-Sniffnoy, who for whatever reason noone has attempted to eat yet.
>Maybe swordfish just doesn't go with oregano.

You're pretty safe, I'm afraid.

Newbie that enjoys being eaten has no flavour, even with oregano. The best newbie is newbie that has a surprised expression, and has spent some time screaming and jumping around on the hot plate.

Umm, tasty..!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: How to wash your kitty, and survive
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Fri, 05 Jul 2002 16:15:53 +1000

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> wrote:
> Walk this way.

If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the operation.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Decloaking
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 01 Jul 2002 08:25:46 +1000

sjc <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> Viki spelled this out in the alphabet soup:
> >V. Super, Esq. ;)
> That would be excellent no matter what profession. In a lawyer's office it would be okay, but it would really excel if you have some degree letters to put after it:
>
> V. Super, M.D. - The Super Doctor!
> V. Super, B.S. - Super Bachlorette!
> V. Super, B.S.C. - Super Swimmer!
>
> I would *never* change away from a name like that.
>
> Especially if you wear glasses, and have perfected the technique of taking them off dramatically ...

It was all going so well, till the phone box incident...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Decloaking
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 1 Jul 2002 04:45:03 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> "The Superior Book Of Words", by Peter Bowler: FIRKIN: A small tub for butter. The author has nothing to say about this word other than to point out that the world awaits the poet who can successfully rhyme 'firkin', 'gherkin' and 'merkin' in the one work.

While playing around with his merkin
His hand he was rapidly workin'
But his girlfriend said "Gee."
"Is that better than me?"
Your gherkin's for firkin, not jerkin'.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Decloaking
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 1 Jul 2002 19:06:36 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Al Sharka wrote:
> ; Your gherkin's for firkin, not jerkin'.
> Um, no. A "merkin" is a wig, a "firkin" is a tub for butter and a "gherkin" is a small pickle.

Gee whiz, it's no fun to explain 'em.

Gherkin and pickle have long been slang for male naughty bits.
Sliding a pickle into a butter container? Think Last Tango in Paris.
And, yes, a merkin is a wig. A pubic wig.

I think you're just splitting hairs.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Decloaking
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 2002 14:17:24 +1000

Donald Welsh wrote:
> Ha ha ha. Hee hee hee. I'm a laughing gnome, and you can't catch me!

Umm...<looks at DW's comically-dressed talking penis>...you got a bit confused when you heard they make ventriloquist's dummies out of wood, *didn't* you?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Decloaking
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2002 01:58:06 +1000

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> SaraM wrote:
> ; Chris Wesling wrote:
> ; > SaraM wrote:
> ; > > "Lord Insidious, World Dominator" wrote:
> ; > > > SaraM wrote:
> ; > > > >sighing ruefully as the natives sprinkled herbs in the cauldron
> ; > > > Oreganofully, surely.
> ; > > Most sage and thymely advice - I shall be sure to add it to the archchives 8)
> ; > *groooooan*
> ; Tsk - such a *chilli* reponse...
> You can stop peppering us with these now.

Gee - *now* how am I supposed to curry favour in here...?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Decloaking
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 2 Jul 2002 20:21:11 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Lord Insidious, World Dominator')...done.
>Viki wrote:
>>Ok... quick poll of the men here, who would give up his surname and take that of his wife upon marriage? And do it happily, without rancor?
>Do I half-count if I discourage her from taking mine?
>Actually, the likely future Lady Insidious has a convincing argument for taking my name if we do marry, although I'd still be marginally happier if she didn't. Er, take my name.

The trick with names is that even if she takes your name, you can still use it!

As opposed to, say, bicycles or money.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Decloaking
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Wed, 10 Jul 2002 17:26:27 -0600

Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> wrote:
> I used to cringe about my name, because I've never met another Brantley. Now, I like the unique aspect of it.

What about Brantley Spears, the pop singer?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: Decloaking
From: Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net>
Date: Wed, 03 Jul 2002 08:10:08 -0700

Rasher wrote:
> --
> Rasher - afda's leading baconite

Ah, but which sect of the Baconites? Do you believe that Bacon wrote Shakespeare, or that Shakespeare wrote Bacon?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Outlook oddity
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sat, 06 Jul 2002 01:26:26 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('SaraM')...done.
> >davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> >> Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net> wrote:
> >> > davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> >> >> *most* of them, with the possible exception (?) of the "...those fingers", are direct references to lyrics contained within Pink Floyd songs.
> >> >> > Chris "Feeling a little slow today" Wesling
> >> >> Naah, just young.
> >> > Er, I'm 40, dude. I just never followed Pink Floyd's music.
> >> Er, wups? Apologies if it was taken the wrong way, for it certainly wasn't intended as such.
> >> > Chris "Now if they'd been Simon & Garfunkel lyrics..." Wesling
> >> "I got up to wash my face..." - just why did it need washing at that point d'ya suppose?
> >> Dave "35 this coming thursday, for the record" Hinz
> >I've heard of Ash Wednesday, Pancake Tuesday and Good Friday - but "Coming Thursday"...?
> ><boggle>
> Obviously, it's the day just before Good Friday. :P

Really, Mr Crusoe - I must protest - there are *ladies* present. <huff>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Outlook oddity
From: sjc <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Sat, 13 Jul 2002 10:39:40 -0600

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>Speaking of people in the current classical music scene, the BSO has just lost its longest running music director.

He ran beyond the horizon, and they lost sight of him, eh? Well, that'll teach them not to keep a pace car on stand-by.

>Seiji Ozawa has left the building, heading for Vienna, IIRC.

DAERTA "Vienna, Ireland"?

Hell; there's a Paris, Texas, so who can tell?

>Speaking of people who have left the building, has anyone else heard the "new" Elvis Presly tune?

And some silly folks have insisted that he's been dead all this time. Turns out he was just pining for the chords.

Ow ow ow ow ow.

Okay, so I haven't heard. What've they done, reduced "Blue Suede Shoes" to a techno-beat?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Outlook oddity
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2002 17:57:26 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Chris Wesling')...done.
>AIMTITNPW,OC...

I'm sorry, I just checked the Official List of RHOD TOIJs, and that abbreviation is not listed. Therefore, its mention is a breach of Subparagraph 4, Paragraph 39, Section 12 of the Mutual TOIJ Reduction Treaty of 1837. Unlisted injokes are an unwanted barrier against the unsophisticated neorhodite, and prevent them from fully appreciating their environment. Many cases of gratuitous bewilderment and spurious confusion have been rigorously attributed to unlisted injokes, and their use is deprecated.

Please remove the above unlisted injoke as soon as possible. If you wish to re-use it in future, you may submit a 301/KZ-35 form ("Application to List and Explain a future TOIJ") at your nearest Usenet Administration office.

Your cooperation in this matter is appreciated.

Screwtape,
...what do you mean, there's no openings for TOIJ Cops? I was *born* for this role!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Aaaaaargh... (long rant)
From: "Lord Insidious, World Dominator" <calieber.bigfoot.co.m>
Date: Wed, 03 Jul 2002 17:25:31 GMT

Chris Wesling wrote
>> Was it here, too, that I complained about what happens when I try to use the modem and it has trouble dialing?
>Don't remember that one, but I haven't experienced it so it may not have stuck in my memory as well as the other one.

On W95, when there's trouble dialing, the default on the box is "OK" and then you can try again. On W98, the default is "Help." Because, if I press one button and the thing doesn't work, I'll naturally be all headless chicken and "What do I do? What do I do?" and in way too much of a panic to find the "help" on my own. Because I am, of course, a complete idiot.

Now, I freely admit I think RHOD is part of the Internet and computers and networks run by elf power, but I can figure out what to do in such situations as these and I can follow instructions, for fuck's sake. How fucking stupid is the typical user?

Well, stupid enough to believe that pr0n comes out of the computer unbidden and kidnaps their children, but filtering works perfectly to prevent this.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Aaaaaargh... (long rant)
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 3 Jul 2002 17:53:00 +0100

Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> writes
>Chuck Linsley wrote ...
>>Yes, I know we don't really speak English in the US, but would you want to admit to speaking Merkin?
>Why not? Renaldo even had one on his head on the most-watched sports event our world has known...

Which is probably why it managed to overshadow the other great soccer match on that day - http://www.theotherfinal.com. A certain cachet must attach itself to being, officially, the world's worst footballing nation.

Actually, the main news event that attracted my attention recently was the freemasons opening their doors to the public to prove [sic] that they're not really a sinister secret organisation bent on world domination by manipulating our lives without our knowledge. Surely the Illuminati will soon follow suit.

"Most of our efforts go into charitable work. For instance, in this hangar we keep black helicopters for helping with mountain rescue and combating forest fires. And we are, of course, renowned for our medical research - into ageing, xenotransplantation, livestock epidemics and so on. So, should you suffer a disabling injury, we will gladly transplant your brain into one of our Elvis clones. Now, to end the tour, would anybody like to try some of this breakfast cereal? It'll make you forget everything you've seen today - ha, ha, just kidding..."

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*----Plus you get a free Ewige Blumenkraft button---
--*-----*--*----*---at the end, with your very own hidden camera---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: silly photo url
From: "~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Tue, 02 Jul 2002 17:22:01 -0000

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> Hm. Does it pay any better than working in IT? The whole "eternal soul" thing might be a drawback, as I haven't already sold mine (I don't work on Microsoft products).

You won't miss it. I gave mine away in exchange for a Max Combo in Atomica a few months ago and it really hasn't been that bad.

~Steve-o
of course, having to switch to aol was annoying


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: The Family Dog takes first place at the dog show!
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sat, 06 Jul 2002 21:25:04 -0400

My wifenkids took the Family Dog(tm) to a "Mutts" dog show over the holiday (July 4th to everybody, Independence Day to USians). The dog is named "Bumper," since we became her custodians soon after she had her pelvis broken during a close encounter with the bumper of someone's automobile. My wife was on her way to work, saw the dog by the side of the road, and...Anyhoo, Bumper took a first place trophy in one of the many competitions in the Sewanee, TN Mutt Show. The engraving on the trophy reads:

Sewanee 4th of July Dog Show
First Place Ugliest Dog 2002

My wife is *still* breathing sighs of relief that she and Bumper D. Dogg did not place in the "Dog/Owner Lookalike" competition.

--
Priest of Fish, Fierce Y. Cookie, whose kids have one damned ugly dog, and a mom who will be much more careful when participating in canine events in the future, let me tell you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Family Dog takes first place at the dog show!
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2002 18:39:45 -0400

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> Fierce Cookie wrote:
> ; Sewanee 4th of July Dog Show
> ; First Place Ugliest Dog 2002
> So, is this the kind of ugly that makes you want to shave its rear end and teach it to walk backwards, or is it the kind where the needle goes all the way around the meter back to "cute"?

It's definitely a shaving situation we have here.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dammit, JIM!
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 09 Jul 2002 00:57:15 +1000

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> ; Take back your frickin' Canananananadian smoke. We don't want it.
> If you're in Phily, why aren't I effected by the smoke? I'm further north (and slightly east) of you.
> ; dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder why Philadelphia smells like a mooseBQ
> You mean it doesn't always smell like that, there?

Hang on - down here Philadelphia is a sort of cheese...

Ha - you're not a rhodent - you're a talking rat!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Wed, 10 Jul 2002 14:17:50 +1000

SaraM wrote:
>David Scully wrote:
>> This is the sound that Ken Adams makes:
>> > "David Scully" <dscully.tcd.spam_me_not.ie> wrote:
>> > > dave
>> > > (Who's resigned to what's coming next, and brought his own barbeque sauce...)
>> > With or without oregano?
>> You can't expect me to do *everything* for you...
>> You want every newbie running in, dipping himself in butter, rolling around in some herbs and then hopping meekly on the grill?
>> Where's the fun in that?
>> Where's the *love*?
>Hmm - perhaps if we changed "grill" to "girl"...?

Meekly on the girl?
Where's the fun in that?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 2002 09:14:15 -0600

SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> Screwtape wrote:
> > m_init(): spawning followupTo('SaraM')...done.
> > >The butler did it.
> > He should keep his greasy paws out of it - I'm only paying him to buttle.
> Umm - is that your *best* reasoned rational rebuttal of your brutal butler's buttle?

And if he avoided coming right out and saying it directly, and they were all on their way to the international space station at the time, it'd be a reasoned rational subtle rebuttal of the brutal butler's shuttle buttle.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hiatus
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 11 Jul 2002 17:26:54 +0100

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> writes
>Just stopped by to say that I am about to head North to see young Master Papadopoulos being awarded a First with Honours in English Literature from Lancaster University. I am, as you can imagine, pleased as a very pleased thing.

That is as impressive as a very impressive thing. With a qualification like that, young master P can go on to become either CEO of Lloyds of London or a food preparation operative at Burger King. Or even both.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----who, in his time, has achieved neither---


From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
He has an interview with a dog grooming parlour on Tuesday.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yet another axe falls
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 00:31:36 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('SaraM')...done.
> >Al Sharka wrote:
> >> SaraM wrote:
> >> > Hey - I just looked and it's the 143rd anniversary of the first chiming of Big Ben in the clock tower of the British Houses of Parliament...
> >> > <offers cheek>
> >> *Which* cheek?
> >> Al, who appreciates the difference between left and right.
> >If you hang on, I'll just ask the waiter...
> He can't come to the phone right now.. he's *waiting*.

Oh *I* see - this is like the butler/buttling thing, is it? Butlers buttle, waiters wait, maitre 'ds mait, Screwtapes...know a *lot* about carpentry fastenings and measurement systems...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yet another axe falls
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 12 Jul 2002 22:31:45 GMT

davehinz.spamcop.net <davehinz.spamcop.net> said:
> Brantley Hudson wrote:
>> davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>>> Ah, but don't get me started on my rant about people who overpartition drives. Just don't.
>> You're preaching to the choir here. Had move a filesystem yesterday because previous admin was partition happy and made this one too small... Grrrrr. Thankfully, it was /home so just had to get people off for the move.
> OK, just for the record, how many people here *are* Unix sysadmin type characters?
> (raises hand)
> Hi, I'm Dave, and I'm a Unix Sysadmin...
> (puts hand down)

Step 0: Admit you have a problem.

Step 1: Figure out how this problem was caused by your lusers.

Step 2: Surrender yourself to alcohol.

Step 3: Visit a wave of wanton death and destruction upon your luser-base the likes of which has not been seen since the days of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Step 4: Take a complete and totally honest inventory of the files and email of the recently suddenly-abandoned accounts.

Step 5: Share the funny stuff with the admin of trusted host as one understands it, based on SSL certificates.

Step 6: Ask fdisk to remove one's hard drive defects.

Step 7: Make a list of all persons harmed by any of the above actions.

Step 8: Harm them further.

Step 9: Continue taking inventory of your system, promptly removing any remaining luser-bits, both physical and data-wise.

Step A: Regular systuning and other hacking in order to improve conscious contact and understanding with one's system.

Step B: By this time it is assumed that one has had a spiritual awakening as the result of having a stable system with ample disk space and CPU cycles. It is then time to carry the message of recovery to those still suffering and to espouse these principles in all of USENET.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies remember before ASR was "moderated"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yet another axe falls
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 15:26:28 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Jeffrey Kaplan')...done.
>davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>; > I want to be (don't ask me why). I was supposed to be heading in that direction. Does that count?
>; Probably. Are you bitter, jaded, and cynical yet? Have you memorized the BOFH handbook?
>Well, I'm certainly cynical.

You're probably just saying that so you can become a sysadmin.

Screwtape,
...metacynic.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yet another axe falls
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 13 Jul 2002 15:51:41 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('davehinz.spamcop.net')...done.
>OK, just for the record, how many people here *are* Unix sysadmin type characters?

I'd like a job as a PFY, does that count? <pimply-faced youth>

Screwtape,
...if you really want the pimples, give me a minute and a red texta.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yet another axe falls
From: nospam.nospam.invalid (Chuck Linsley)
Date: Sat, 13 Jul 2002 05:00:08 GMT

GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com> wrote:
>I target my rates to a value that makes it attractive to hire me when all employment costs are considered. For long term contracts, that's roughly twice the normal employee rate, and that increases as contracts get shorter. At least that's how it is in Australia, YMMV.

It's been a while since I did any contracting, or had close contact[1] with any contractors, but last time I did, around here (Silicon Valley) the standard practise was to bid 2X the normal employee salary if you want the job. If you don't really want it, but will take it if they pay you enough, bid 2.5X.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [rec.humor.oracle.d FAQ] First and Only Posting
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 13 Jul 2002 12:10:24 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Brantley Hudson')...done.
>sjc wrote:
><major snippage>
>> Many thanks and kudos go out to the following people who helped make this FAQ possible: Brantley Hudson, Viki, Jellyroll Papadopoulos, Fierce Y. Cookie
>*Oooooo* I've been immortalized! Wow! I just thought I threw random bits of comments about and caused havoc all this time.

Didn't you get the Immortal's Handbook when you joined? That's what we immortals *do*.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [rec.humor.oracle.d FAQ] First and Only Posting
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sat, 13 Jul 2002 15:18:23 -0600

Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> wrote:
> sjc wrote:
> > Many thanks and kudos go out to the following people who helped make this FAQ possible: Brantley Hudson, Viki, Jellyroll Papadopoulos, Fierce Y. Cookie
> *Oooooo* I've been immortalized! Wow! I just thought I threw random bits of comments about and caused havoc all this time.
> > (a.k.a. Paul Kelly), Daniel E. Macks, Tim Allen (a.k.a. Screwtape), Tom Harrington, Jeffrey Kaplan, J.R. Conlin (a.k.a. TechnoAtheist), Dave
> You left out a "Tom" on Tom's name... NTIM,OC.

Sure it matters! It's the second half of my name! It'd be like him calling you "Bran".

Why do they call 'im "Bran"? Because if you eat enough of him, he'll keep your colon healthy. Oh, wait, I wasn't supposed to say that, it was in the script as appearing in Daniel Emacks' followup, I'm, uh, jumping the gun or something. No! It's not a gun! I'm just glad to see you! No, I mean, it actually _is_ a salami in my pocket! No, you can't have any! I'm not here to supply you with meat! Wait, that was Dan's line too. I was thrown off by this colon here in the script, which is looking very healthy now that I stop and look at it. Bran must've typed it. Is it cold in here, or is it just me?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [rec.humor.oracle.d FAQ] First and Only Posting
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 15 Jul 2002 18:50:35 GMT

sjc <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>>If it's not to self-indulgent, I'd like to be listed as Dave "$RANDOMTHOUGHT" Hinz
> Now, see, you should know better than to suggest such a thing to a guy with a web server and an inherently useless but basic knowledge of perl...

I've got this sinking feeling that you've gone and done...

> As such, a semi-random thought will appear between your first and last name on both the injoke page and the faq. It'll be in the small print at the bottom, where no one's likely to see it, but it's there. I've stolen about 50% of the comments you've used in rhod for the past year or so, and put them in a file for the SSI to pull from.

...something like that. Good lord you've spent way more time on my throw-away comments than I'm sure they warrant. (Side note: If you'd send me the list, I'd be interested in seeing it).

> In other words, you've been replaced by a very small shell script.

Bastard. Now my coworkers are wondering why I'm laughing my ass off over here, when I'm supposed to be validating my Akamai implementation before we take it to prod tonight.

Dave "/usr/bin/perl -w use strict;" Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [rec.humor.oracle.d FAQ] First and Only Posting
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 15 Jul 2002 19:17:06 GMT

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> sjc <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com> said:
>> In other words, you've been replaced by a very small shell script.
> So JIM is a full-fledged bot but Dave is just a dinky shell script? How embarrassing.

Hey, it's not the size of the code, it's how it operates. I'm not only small, but I'm fast. QUICK! Er, short! Argh.

Dave "Well, g'nite, I'm done..." Hinz



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