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2002 03 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In limbo
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002 05:59:31 GMT

A group of monkeys with frosting in compromising places claiming to be "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Viki wrote ...
>>"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.despam.webone.com.au> wrote:
>>> You *know* what we boys are like when you and Viki are away too long.
>>> It's all Coke, chips and BBQ Shapes and crumbs in the bed.
>>I'm sorry, who's this crummy gal you've got in your bed? I wouldn'ta thought that would be something to brag about. hmmmmmmm
>No, no, no, really... It's only when you gals *aren't* here that the bed has a crumb in it. Wait, that's not what I meant. I was trying to say... oh, never mind.
>Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti has a mouth but fortunately no foot.

Yeah, sure Richard. So why is the Gingerbread Man going on about you and his girlfriend?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In limbo
From: "Nassif!!" <nassifspamless.mindspring.com>
Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002 23:22:56 -0800

"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> said:
> > Not that I know of, but my first and only lecturer in Haematology was - you guessed it - Dr Blood.
> Did he and Dr. Cripps get in a fight in the hallway?
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies hate research group rivalries

"Yo, Doc, wazp?"
"Nahn, 'bou you, Doc?"
"Hey, dig it, that bizzzatch Farley, maaan, he be hittin' up on my grant money"
"Sheeeit, he better recognize. Usual message?"
"Yeh, that mofo, he got hisself a slide of e.coli on his microscope."
"Aiiiight, if that don' straighten his ass out, he gets a ride in the cyclotron."

Nassif!!
Whose dark brown siamese fighting ferrets passed their quals, and now they're in the club.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oh, the irony!
From: "Teh (tî'pô)" <lanzkron.fastmail.fm>
Date: Sun, 31 Mar 2002 10:04:21 +0300

Hetta wrote:
>LostJonny <jnoXbuXg.visi.com> wrote:
>> dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>> > "Lord Insidious, World Dominator" wrote:
>> >>Sorry, my girlfriend reads RHOD over my shoulder.
>> > There's a position you won't find the the Kama Sutra.
>> It is, however, on page 43 of the RHODa Sutra.
>Well, yes, but that's pretty much a virtual document, with next to no ties to reality.

Which leads to the age old question: what's better? Ties to reality or hand-cuffs to bed posts?

--
To say nothing of Teh whole suspenders to imagination dilemma.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Those wacky Winter Paralympians
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Sat, 16 Mar 2002 10:00:49 +1100

Some of you may already seen this, but what the hell...

You may or may not know that Australia has had a couple of very successful Winter Paralympians performing at Salt Lake City. And no, they didn't win their medals because everyone else fell down.

In particular, there is the blind downhill skier, Bart Bunting <http://www.paralympics2002.com/athletes/biographies/41002.html> and the single-leg amputee downhill skier, Michael Milton <http://www.paralympics2002.com/athletes/biographies/41008.html>.

I saw them on the news Thursday night, being interviewed after their latest successes (several golds and silvers). They were standing outside some ski place with their arms around each other's shoulders. It was snowing lightly and looked abso-effin-lutely freezing.

Journo: "Are you going out for a celebration tonight?"

Bunting: "Yes, I'm going to have a nice long drink. In fact, I think I'm going-" [significant glance at Milton] "-to get legless."

Milton: [slight pause] "And I'm going to get BLIND!"

[Camera jiggles slightly and pans away from journo about to self-strangle....]


Well, *I* thought it was worth sharing.

Richard F.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DRINK!
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sat, 16 Mar 2002 16:51:23 -0700

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
> > sid.siddhartha.8m.com (Sid) wrote:
> >> I mean Happy St. Patricks.
> > Would someone please tell me who St. Baldrick is?
> http://stbaldricks.org/history.asp
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to The Plough & The Stars

I was thinking that any saint associated with Baldrick would have to the sort of "saint" whose existence would be denied by the Pope, and cursed by good people everywhere. I was not disappointed:

"St. Baldrick is the whimsical creation of a group of insurance executives from New York City."

Or in other words, patron saint of the dung-eaters, which is eerily appropriate for people who've probably never heard of Black Adder.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DRINK!
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002 13:25:34 +1100

Screwtape wrote:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('GW De Lacey')...done.
> <snip EGK>
> >In this case though, I know the lady quite well. Despite the impression she gives, that impression is far from the reality that is EGK. A more sincere, patient, intelligent and caring person is impossible to imagine.
> >But then I guess you already knew that.
> Hmm.. the impression she gave me was "sincere, patient, intelligent, caring, fun to be with and very, very playful". Seems like I've missed something - I must have been reading the wrong threads.

Ahh *threads*...

Heh - for a minute there I thought you guys were working on my obituary.

> Screwtape,
> ...who has never met EGK in real life, and probably should avoid the chance at all costs, lest his illusions be shattered.

Why - don't you *like* tentacles?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DRINK!
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2002 12:11:03 +1100

vvidt.netscape.net (Viki) wrote:
> I've learned to live with my foibles, however.

Don't give up, sometimes that ointment takes several weeks to work.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DRINK!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 23 Mar 2002 17:11:18 GMT

SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au> said:
> Viki wrote:
>> Again, my sincerest apologies.
> Gee - I'd *rather* have a go on your Dr Sam...

Doc Sam-He-Is...
Doc Sam-He-Is...
She'd have a go on Sam-He-Is.

First she'd give him a big hug
Then she'd do him on the rug
Then on the stair and o'er a chair
It'd go on for hours, this torrid affair...

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have the foxiest socks, milligram for milligram, of any creature in the universe

From: "Matthew Davey" <kavinsky.supanet.com>
And lo did her father walk in
To find her involved in sin
Doc sam he gave a kicking to
While hitting him with his shoe!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DRINK!
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 07:28:54 +1100

Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net> wrote:
> Cor, and 'ere's me thinking "icehole" was a Strine pronunciation for, er, a certain nether orifice. Blimey, did THAT give me a false impression of the game.[1]

Which puts me in mind of the Lillehammer Winter Olympics, when renowned prat/sportscaller Ken Sutcliffe, who has a strangely lilting accent even for an Australian, insisted on referring to the Ice Hall all the time.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DRINK!
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 12:22:22 -0600

Brantley Hudson wrote:
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> > Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti hopes to win another tournament of "Fuzzy Duck" this Easter.
> I guess mis-reading things is a rhod tradition - I read "Fuzzy Duck" as something ENTIRELY different. Yikes...

The Rev. Spooner would be proud.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Helps in Life
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002 13:18:26 +1100

Daniel E. Macks wrote ...
>Next time you wonder if anything that gets discussed in RHOD can in any even slight way help one in life, fear not! I was just doing a Yahoo crossword puzzle, and the clue was: They ask, "Is the bar tender here?" in a joke

Tend 'er? Blimmin' 'ell, I wait on 'er 'and an' foot!

>dan, whose bright red siamese fighting fishies are working hard tonight

Motto of the Gigolos' Union fer sure.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti hears Simba ask "What's a motto?"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Helps in Life
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Mon, 18 Mar 2002 17:08:09 -0700

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Nassif!! <nassifspamless.mindspring.com> said:
> > Kenneth Brody wrote:
> >> 'round these parts, it's:
> >> Bang 'er? Why, I hardly even know 'er.[1]
> >> [1] For those not up on US geography (which might include some of those here from the US): The previous lines of the joke lead up to asking a location, the person answers "Maine", to which the first person asks "Bangor?"
> > Too bad Bangor isn't in Massachusetts.
> Some gentleman *you* are, not willing to drive more than a few miles just to get to Bangor.

It's worth the drive, too. That's where they make that world-famous apertif, Bangor Butter Liqueur.

Mix it with sloe gin and Southern comfort, and you get a Bangor slow and comfortable.

From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
I was going to make the trip in a Cessna, but now I think I'll go Fokker.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are a mile high
.
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
And if you play cards while doing so, it'll be Bangor Butter Liqueur Fokker Poker.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Helps in Life
From: Bystander.THEGARBAGE.standing-by.com (Bystander)
Date: Tue, 19 Mar 2002 05:35:52 GMT

"Daniel E. Macks" dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> managed to post:
> Some gentleman *you* are, not willing to drive more than a few miles just to get to Bangor.
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies got off after just two exits on the expressway

Ya know, this is just way too much information about the mating habits of the wild Pennsylvanian D.Macks.


Bystander (..I gotta cancel my subscription to the Discovery Channel...)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Helps in Life
From: Rhodnius <erik.SPAMFILTER-dos486.com>
Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002 04:54:47 GMT

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>Next time you wonder if anything that gets discussed in RHOD can in any even slight way help one in life, fear not! I was just doing a Yahoo crossword puzzle, and the clue was They ask, "Is the bar tender here?" in a joke

Wait wait wait...

Doing a crossword puzzle on Yahoo counts as life?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002 13:57:41 +1100

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> Andrew Comeau wrote:
> ; I haven't seen anything from you, not even this message that I'm not officially replying to .... in fact, I won't even swear to the existence of the group ...
> ; I have seen a couple of messages from you on 3/11 and 3/13.
> Thanks. That appears to correspond with the symptoms I have observed from my end.

<chortle>

Sorry - I mean IJWTSTA...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 18 Mar 2002 23:42:27 +1100

m_init(): spawning followupTo('SaraM')...done.
>Andrew Comeau wrote:
>> Glad I'm not the only one whose mind went that way ... (g) ....
>Awww gee - <flushes with pride>

And rightly so - that's the prettiest lilac-glazed lavatory it has ever been my pleasure to behold.

>> I don't think the pink stuff will work on any newsreader I know of ...
>You - you still use *newreaders*??

These days, they're called "anchormen" and "anchorwomen", or even "anchorpeople". Three guesses why they keep away from nautically-minded folks.

>Hmmm...
><fondles Screwtape's antennae enigmatically>

Cut that out! You're messing up my reception!

Screwtape,
...who only ever lounges in front of the tele, watching the footy, in fantasy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 18 Mar 2002 07:05:00 GMT

Nassif!! <nassifspamless.mindspring.com> said:
> Andrew Comeau wrote:
>> I notice that RHOD in general seems to be pretty quiet these days. Any explanation or is it just a cycle thing ....
> "When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed"

When I have nothing to say, I post to RHOD.

> Nassif!!
> Whose dark brown siamese fighting ferrets know ce qu'elle a dit ce soir la.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies run run run run run run run away


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Tue, 19 Mar 2002 21:49:26 -0500

Tim Chew wrote:
> If we get three more takers, we'll be able to qualify for group rates at the hotel.

That statement alone may be enough to entice several more people to attend.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002 22:31:54 -0500

Comrade SaraM wrote:
> Hetta wrote:
> > On the plus side, Barry posts every now and then, Ian hasn't left us, and we still have D. Macks.

...but Ian promised to get us that ointment, so it should clear up pretty soon.

> "D Macks!" "D Macks" the pensioners cry,
> Before plummeting off the cliffs
> But we in here don't care two hoots -
> In RHOD we're used to stiffs!
>
> By ViKi, aged 9 3/4

Sara, you know how much we miss you when you're not around, right?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Tue, 19 Mar 2002 21:39:10 -0500

Andrew Comeau wrote:
> "Hetta" <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote in message
>> People like Tim Chew, Fierce Cookie, Malc and Richard Wilson seem to have found a "life".

It's sad, but true. Life now is very good, but busy. Things that are happening now include (but are not limited to):

Helping the kids with homework.
Learning to play the guitar with Alex.
Working.
Working.
Working.
Learning Linux.
Playing Tribes 2 (as "><COTCF>Red Fish").

I also quit smoking...again. Hopefully for the last time.

> *sigh* ... Well, it happens to the best of us, I guess ....

For three easy payments of US$9,999,999, you too can have a life, while simultaneously improving mine immensely. Shoot, I'll even take payment in Euros.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 09:11:18 -0700

Ian Davis said this on the eve of tomorrow:
> Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
>> You may have missed the discussion about Charlie. We recently (well, last summer) acquired another child. He's twelve now.
>By God, that's a long labor.

The discussion must have been "So, do we leave him in there for another decade, or do we just give up and cut him out *now*?"

Just think: if they had been able to wait just six more years, he would have been of legal age just as he was born!

--
pieceoftheuniverse - preschool was probably uncomfortable enough as it was, though ...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 18:53:56 GMT

"Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com> wrote:
>"Hetta" <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>> We don't have crossposters.
>I think you can pick those up cheap at your local crafts store ... ;-) ...

No, just find a regular poster and step on its toes.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002 22:49:54 -0500

Comrade Andrew Comeau wrote:
> > JIM, Steve-o and TA are busy with their web serials (all four of which are well worth your time). (A chapter every two weeks (or even more often) is a killing schedule, guys. Take some time off to smell the roses.)

No roses in space!

> I envy people who can actually find the motivation to put their writing talents to *use*. Me? I have to settle for sending creative memos when someone pisses me off and the odd semi-manic spurt of creativity ...

Just as well. The WS road is a surefire path to perdition. Sure, it starts innocently enough, you jot down a few wacky escapades and stick them on your university web-space. But then next thing you know, you're forming collectives and shared realities with other wretches like yourself, planning multi-year story arcs to give JMS an urgent need to lie down, Keenspace web-cartoonists start looking at you with pity, and then - the final stage, where you know you're lost to decent society, and just before you lose your vision and start applying 'Nair' to your keyboard - you're frantically scribbling incoherent notes about tall dark strangers with mysterious pasts and towns with pastoral names and shocking secrets.

Better to stock to the snarky memos. But if you start worrying about continuity between memos, immediately take a sick-week and head for the nearest spa.

There's still time.

JIM, soon-to-author of "Whispering Vale"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 23:33:54 -0500

Comrade LostJonny wrote:
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> > But then next thing you know, you're forming collectives and shared realities with other wretches like yourself, planning multi-year story arcs
> I see you're familiar with a.db.

Hell, he's my sidekick.

JIM, known to some as a.hg


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Is this thing on?
From: "Teh (tî'pô)" <lanzkron.fastmail.fm>
Date: Sun, 31 Mar 2002 11:44:34 +0300

Jim Evans wrote:
>Comrade Teh (tî'pô) wrote:
>> Andrew Comeau wrote:
>> >"Hetta" <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>> >> People like Tim Chew, Fierce Cookie, Malc and Richard Wilson seem to have found a "life".
>> >*sigh* ... Well, it happens to the best of us, I guess ....
>> Apparently it doesn't happen only to the best..
>> Oh sorry, I parsed that as `seem to have found a "wife" . '
>Motti, you recalcitrant young sprite, you're not suggesting something here are you?

No, of course not, never, not on your life, well maybe, could be, yes.

http://teh.htmlplanet.com

Sorry about the pop ups and the layout, I went to the first place that offered me free space and it wouldn't let me use ftp so I had to use their clueless html editor instead of vi.

--
Ah for Teh good old university days when I had a 2MB account....


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: No, that can't be right ...
From: "Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com>
Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2002 05:10:17 -0500

"Bugrrit" <Igor.stenchorama.cm> wrote:
> "With the Internet, the greatest disseminator of bad data and bad information the universe has ever known, it's become impossible to trust any news from any source at all, because it's all filtered through this crazy yenta gossip line. It's impossible to know anything."

You mean the old idea "They wouldn't print it if it wasn't true." doesn't hold anymore??

*sigh*


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: <yawn> (scratch-scratch-scratch)
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 18 Mar 2002 15:09:11 +1100

Okay - I'm off to bed now.

I do hope you realise that I expect at least *thirty* rhod posts by tomorrow morning when I awaken.

Or coffee - I'm not fussy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Surgery
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 14:14:01 +1100

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Turns out, they kept me on "sips", which is essentially nothing but sips of water or juice until lunch on Friday, when I was able to finally badger them into giving me pureed chicken. By then, I didn't care what it was, as long as it was FOOD! 'Till then, the last time I had food was dinner the previous Tuesday.
> And yes, I had a couple of cute nurses.

Wow, you *were* hungry.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sugary
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 23:45:27 -0500

Comrade Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> It's rumored that TechnoAtheist said:
> ; > laporascopically. There are five smallish incisions in my abdomen. The one that annoys me the most is the one at my belly button. It's also the only one on my belt line.
> ; Five holes?
> ; Well provided you can get the fingering right and have a ready supply of heavily carbonated beverages, you could have quite the musical career.
> Ackshirley, doc said to stay away from carbonateds for a bit, due to the restricted esophagus - makes burping about 200% harder.

Permanently? Well, now you'll have to find a new party game for Monday night football...

> So, now I still have four bottles of premium beer in my fridge I can't drink. : (

I, as well as several other rhodents who'll shortly (or longly) volunteer, am more than willing to rally round for the cause.

> ; I don't think folks will appreciate the bass notes, but a bit of beano might fix that.
> Beano will make the bass notes come out in tune?

No, but it'll make the tuna notes come out as bass.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Surgery
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 19 Mar 2002 13:59:44 +1100

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> In case any medically reclined people here care, the name of the procedure is "Nissen Fundoplication".

Gee - that's what *I* drive...

Umm - and in relation to absolutely nothing - will you still be able to sit down to type??

Standing ovations all round if not.

EGK,
wishing you more than well...

(private bit...:XXX!)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Surgery
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 14:15:56 +1100

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Transferred to the operating table, someone puts a seat belt around my waist, my arms are strapped to out-riggers and a mask is put over my face. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the recovery room, and I'm told that it's about four hours later.

I don't go to that sort of party any more, for the same reason.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Surgery
From: Bystander.THEGARBAGE.standing-by.com (Bystander)
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 05:38:07 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> managed to post:
> Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>> I asked for pictures before hand. The surgeon said that the camera was busted. : (
> Hmm. Considering the whole procedure relies on a working camera, I suspect that this is what we professionals call "bullshit."
> Ian.

Damn! You never know what you're going to learn on RHOD, but incredibly technical medical jargon is pretty much expected with Dr. Ian around!

Bystander (...now if you'd kindly explain these insurance forms again...)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Surgery
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 22:04:11 -0500

Bystander wrote:
> Bystander (...now if you'd kindly explain these insurance forms again...)

Which part, the "bend over" clause, or the paragraph explaining that KY Jelly is optional (at the insurance company's discretion) for purposes of your being thoroughly buggered, also at the insurance company's discretion.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Surgery
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 23:48:54 -0500

Comrade Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> > So the nurses are cuter than the truck-drivers?
> Ahem...http://members.aol.com/bdbdbdbuck/trucker.jpg
> We are NOT amused (that's Hippie).

Oh, my.

I'd make a comment about hauling buns, but you'd drive up here and hit me.

JIM, yowza


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Red fighting fish?
From: Hetta <hetta.saunalahti.fi>
Date: Mon, 18 Mar 2002 22:29:38 +0200

Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.hp.com> wrote:
> Can someone (maybe Dan?) explain Daniel's 'red siameses fighting fish' reference?

It all started in 1995 (or 1994? Dan?) when Dan, looking around, saw that lots of people had lives, and some of them had pets, too. Of course, that's still the case today, but not everybody reacts like Dan did: he mewled piteously. On rhod. So we all chipped in and sent him enough money to buy a rather nice aquarium, fully equipped, and a few fishies to go with that.

I think he'd just been reading a Nat'l Geography or something like that, and had taken a fancy to siamese fighting fishes. So he bought a couple. Dan, how many times have you had to take out young'uns so far?

HTH, HAND
Hetta (Don't ask about JIM's big red sodomizing french fry, though.)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Red fighting fish?
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 23:58:22 +1100

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Andrew Comeau')...done.
>"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgray2.kc.rr.com> wrote:
>> Not to mention that you've been gone long enough to have forgotten the real explanation. Hetta may have supplied a serious answer, but it certainly wasn't the right one.
>Oh ... well, I feel better now .... I can stretch that to equal a non-serious answer. Yep, this is the place I remember ... (g) ...

Thank heavens for *that* - If there's anything worse than waking up in a bizzare alternate dimension, it's waking up and finding out that you've been in a bizzare alternate dimension all along.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Red fighting fish?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 19 Mar 2002 21:17:25 GMT

Andrew Comeau <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com> said:
> "TechnoAtheist" <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com> wrote:
>> A group of monkeys who are once again moonlighting claiming to be "Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com> wrote:
>> >If it helps any, it's more or less like the small group of monkeys that occasionally follows me around, adding their own unique perspectives to my daily life ....
>> >Didn't help, eh? .... Oh well ... the Java Monkey says hello anyway ....
>> Dang it! There goes another one! You know how hard it is to find a chimp that can run an Espresso machine?
> I don't doubt that he excels at it but in recent years he's left it behind to pursue a career as a salesmonkey / muse of sorts for coffee drinkers and those destined to be ....

<voice=taunting>Wassamatter, monkey...can't write Shakespeare?</voice>

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't want to touch it either


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey, everybody! What time is it?
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 19 Mar 2002 17:01:22 -0700

Jeffrey Kaplan said this on the eve of tomorrow:
>It's URL time!
>http://www.arcataeye.com/police/

Ah, thank you. Made my day.

My favourite so far has to be 3 May 2000:

1:33 a.m. A guy geeked out in the computer lab. Police pried him off the screen long enough to extract a promise to at least call home.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - idily wondering if that was me. No, can't be; I have an alibi.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 19 Mar 2002 10:04:04 -0700

SaraM said this on the eve of tomorrow:
>COLD CHICKEN SCHNITZEL

No, no, no. The only two possible answers are "nothing" and/or "sex when you're actually awake." Cold Chicken Schnitzel, no matter how many letters you capitalize, doesn't even come close.

>Oh - and Duty-free Bourbon of course.

Well, that's a close second, at least.

>Oh - *and* watching your bastard bird-killing cat get abducted by aliens.

Were they bird-like aliens?

--
pieceoftheuniverse - it would be only fair.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 19:07:29 GMT

Jim Menard <jimm.io.com> wrote:
>pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com> writes:
>> Al Sharka said:
>> >Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>> >> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies remember the last time we discussed sex with poultry
>> >That lends a whole new meaning to "tastes like chicken", doesn't it?
>> Yup. That was the joke.
>> Rhod has now officially looped itself. [1]
>> So if we're going to start over, we might as well start at the beginning.
>0, 1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111, ...

No, no, no, you've got to get the *timing* right!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 21:19:16 +1100

m_init(): spawning followupTo('pieceoftheuniverse')...done.
>Rhod has now officially looped itself. [1]
>So if we're going to start over, we might as well start at the beginning.

Hey, POTU? There's, like, this big black monolith outside, an' he wants to talk to us for a bit..


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 22:28:44 -0600

Matthew Davey wrote:
} I have to say, that on the whole, MS are very good at fixing bugs/adding features to their programs. Yeah they're RELEASED buggy as hell, but microsoft DO fix the problems (eventually) while adding a level of functionality, that means, while high-end users benefit from specialist news readers/mail clients, for your average joe at the PC, OE and IE are all you will ever really need. This is something i feel linux could learn - ditch all the excess/specialist programs on a basic install.

You're new around here, aintcha? Do you happen to know a Belgian named Nils?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 08:22:52 +1100

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Richard Fitzpatrick')...done.
>Donald Welsh wrote:
>>Sure, I'll have plenty of time, provided nothing unexpected happens.
>>-- D. "Like, say, a new version of NetHack being released." W.
>Yeah. And I was just beginning to really like my job, too.
>
>And my life...
>
>...family...
>
>...not to mention humanity, eating, maintaining some semblance of personal sanitation, etc, etc, etc.

Why can I just imagine you saying, in a Ralph Wiggum voice, "Ahh, work! That's where I'm a samurai/tourist/wizard/valkyrie/etc..."

Screwtape,
...oangband rocks, dude.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 23:39:29 -0500

Comrade Andrew Comeau wrote:
> "Jim Evans" <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote
> > Have any of you ever noticed that "RHOD" rot13'd is "EUBQ", a clear anagram of "BQue"?
> Has anyone else ever noticed / commented that ROT13 looks strangely like Klingon ?

Gryllix, actually.

Trust me, it's usually better un-ROT'ed.

Much like most foods.

JIM, only thing I like rotten is my barley...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 19:09:15 GMT

"Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com> wrote:
>Since reading this group again, I seem to be encountering an odd number of non-sequiturs.

Keep reading until you find one more non-sequitur

... then you'll have seen an even number.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 20 Mar 2002 17:57:52 GMT

Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> said:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('TimC')...done.
>>SaraM wrote:
>>>COLD CHICKEN SCHNITZEL
>>>Oh - and Duty-free Bourbon of course.
>>So COLD CHICKEN SCHNITZEL is better than sex at 3am, or COLD CHICKEN SCHNITZEL at 3am is better than sex? I am confuzzled.
> You're a physicist - you know the Scientific Method. Don't take our word for it, find out empirically!

Except he's a physicist...

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will have to estimate some of the data. As usual : (


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2002 08:27:30 +1100

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Viki')...done.
>st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>> What's better than sleeping with a beautiful woman at 3am?
>> Sleeping at 3am.
>> Screwtape,
>> ...enjoys late-night programming as much as the next man, but.. furrfu, there *are* limits.
>Hey ST, here I thought you were a young'in. How'd you get to be crotchety already, hmmmmmm?

I, uh.. took a correspondence course.

Screwtape,
...who actually finds it rather therapeutic to rant at the universe occasionally.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 20:36:12 GMT

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> Screwtape said:
> >Screwtape,
> >...enjoys late-night programming as much as the next man,
> That's got to be one of the oddest euphemisms for sex that I've ever seen.

That way, each thinks you're with the other, and you can get some coding
done.

> >but.. furrfu, there *are* limits.
> Nope. Nope nope nope nope. And if you're smart, you won't say that kind of thing in front of witnesses.
> What you -should- say is, "Sex? Bring it on!"
> --
> pieceoftheuniverse - or, if you like, "Sex? Yes, please!"

You say that like you've never had to fake one so you could roll over and get some sleep.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 21:20:31 +1100

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Richard Fitzpatrick')...done.
>TimC wrote ...
>>we were looking for an innocent term to missapropriate to "hot lesbian sex" - just the way that "porking" and "bonking" are now used for various sexual acts.
>"porking" is "now used for various sexual acts"?
>I know "bonking" had a prior non-sexual use, but - pray tell - what on Earth was the previous use of "porking"?

It was a common theme through high school English essays for many years. For example "The ease with which Scotland fell into disarray and chaos shows that Macbeth was a very porking indeed."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What's better than sex at 3am??
From: "Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com>
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 2002 19:19:38 -0500

"kavinsky" <kavinsky.supanet.com> wrote:
> Yep, this is good, oh and Goldschlager and Jack Daniels and Absinthe and Disaronno and Southern Comfort and Tequila and . . . .. .

I've heard it said that the only use the US has for the metric system is the 9mm handgun but that's not true ... my entire liquor cabinet is metric, too ... ;-) ....

I'm partial to DiSarono myself. Then there's the bottle of Southern Comfort Black Label (100 proof) a friend left with me a few years ago. He didn't tell me it was only fit to be used as a solvent until after I'd finished most of it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: #1254 - 10
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 17:07:02 GMT

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> Also Sprach Jason:
> > Would you mind holding this sprig of oregano?
> Ahem...

Oh, I'm sorry, was sprig the incorrect term?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: #1254 - 10
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 11:36:20 +1100

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
> The term is "spring". Next term will be "summer".

Not so fast, white man...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: #1254 - 10
From: Jane <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 27 Mar 2002 06:46:57 GMT

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> said:
>Also Sprach Ian Davis:
>> > > Probably not, but don't forget the hook has to go through at least three times.
>> > Is he back?
>> I suppose that half of him is.
> Ho, OK.

Pcak not so bad either.

-jane


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: #1254 - 10
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 08:16:54 +1100

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Richard Fitzpatrick')...done.
>Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti should really be more careful with that Axe, Eugene - most especially with all these little fuzzy rhodents and that grim woaded-up figure over there.

"Hey, Keanu - what's that icky blue stuff all over your body?"

"Woad, dude!".

Screwtape,
...who realises the inflection doesn't fit, so :P


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Search Engine
From: LostJonny <jnoXbuXg.visi.com>
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 17:27:48 GMT

Ross Clement poked his nose out and shrieked:
> Hi. The search engine will be down for about a week over easter. Out of my hands I'm sorry, the whole uni is going down!

Gives a whole new meaning to the term "Department Head."

LJ
"We don' need no steenking sig line!"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Search Engine
From: "Nassif!!" <nassifspamless.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 22:59:43 -0800

TechnoAtheist wrote:
> A group of monkeys with little red dots on their heads claiming to be "Matthew Davey" <kavinsky.supanet.com> wrote:
> >You should stand up, that was quite funny :-)
> Plus he's easier to hit that way.

*thwap*--------Awwwch!!

no, not that way... try it again...

**schprak**----Yeowww!!

no, not that way either... again!

**SMACK**------NYYAARRRGH!!

Well, that's closer...

Nassif!!
Whose dark brown siamese fighting ferrets don't want to know what the other ways of "standing up" are.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Longevity Game
From: "stimpy" <stimpy.SPAM.wgt.org.uk>
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 07:22:06 -0000

Lord Insidious, World Dominator wrote...
> Andrew Comeau wrote:
> >The ultimate method of scoring ....
> > http://northwesternmutual.com/games/longevity
> >It was surprisingly fun, especially when I skewed all the factors toward the negative side and it told me I should be dead already ... (grin) .... okay, maybe I amuse easily ....
> The first time through I gave my weight as 10 lbs *heavier* and was told I'd live four years *longer*.

that's because it uses a very specialised and intensive algorithm to work out exactly the paths and strengths of all tornados, rain storms, blizzards, and freak weather patterns years in advance; it knows that there's gonna be a particularly strong wind someday in the future and if you're not heavy enough it's gonna blow you onto the train tracks whilst you wait for the <Q>.

my advice? eat.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Longevity Game
From: sid.siddhartha.8m.com (Sid)
Date: 27 Mar 2002 09:48:56 -0800

"Lord Insidious, World Dominator" <calieber.bigfoot.com> wrote:
> The first time through I gave my weight as 10 lbs *heavier* and was told I'd live four years *longer*.

The year is 2050. Thousands of men, women and cyborg dogs queue up outside the Imperial army 103rd Division Recruitment Office in the beating rain.

"You'd think they would have learnt how to control the climate by now", someone muttered softly.

The galactic war was now into its fourth year with no signs of peace. The Imperial army had suffered heavy losses in the battle of the Horse Nebula which forced the commander of the forces of Sol to issue an order, requiring every citizen to enroll.

Charles shuffled on to towards the desk when his turn came, glad that he had finally got out of the rain. The insides of the recruitment office had a dark, gloomy look, not too different from the insides of a walnut. Charles remarked on this to the Sgt at the desk. He seemed uninterested and he showed his lack of interest by motioning Charles towards the weighing machine. He stepped on the machine nonchalantly. The machine responded equally uniterestedly by emitting a long beep. The Sgt. looked at the machine and then at Charles and sighed. He stamped "Overweight" on his form and beckoned the next man in.

*2 days later - Newsflash*

"In yet another setback, the craft carrying the new recruits of the 103rd suffered engine failure just outside the asteroid belt. It is feared that it may have crashed into one of the larger asteroids. There is no news of any survivors. And in sports news, " *click*.

Charles turned the television set off.

Sid, there's your answer


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: :))))))))))))))))))))
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 06:26:58 GMT

"Matthew Davey" <kavinsky.supanet.com> wrote:
>Hmmm, Jim, i think we may have another case of the dreaded ROT13'ing virus on our hands . . .

One of the few times when the cure is the same as the disease.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Introduction to chaos theory
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 26 Mar 2002 15:55:44 GMT

Lord Insidious, World Dominator <calieber.bigfoot.com> said:
> The other day I left the house a few seconds later than I intended. Because of that, I missed a green light en route to the subway station, meaning I boarded the train in the middle rather than at the front. The result of this was that when I got to the station where I made my transfer, I had to spend 30-45 seconds walking down the platform. So I missed -- by a few seconds -- the train I had to transfer to (actually, an express that would have passed the local I had to transfer to) and had to wait for the next one. End result? I arrived at my destination at least ten minutes later than I otherwise would have. If I had left the house a few seconds earlier.

...you would have gotten hit by the cab that was racing to beat the yellow.

So unless you were trying to go to work dressed as a bloody pile of human-bits with some embedded chips of yellow paint and the cabbie's licence plate embossed on your thigh, you're probably better off.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if killing all the butterflies in the world would get rid of El Nino


Newsgroups: alt.test,alt.fan.douglas-adams,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Lament of the Froupie [was Re: Test, ignore]
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 16:39:53 -0700

Oh, why is there no noise in afda?
What makes the rhod so mute?
Even the spammers are silent today
With no "hey, I'm kinda cute!"

Has my killfile gone on a rampage?
Has it taken deletion too far?
Why can I still receive e-mail,
But see nothing in the alt.car?

Oh my feed is dried up and wasted,
And I am terribly bored.
Nothing but work and the workers
To make me nice and restored.

For Usenet heals all wounds,
In its flames and its trolls and its posts,
And keeps me from lashing at coworkers
Turning them all into ghosts.

Hear my plea, oh God of the Posters!
I cry out for your mercy in pain!
For without you I am bored out of my skull
And I might have to start working again.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Important news
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 30 Mar 2002 17:07:53 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> said:
> It's rumored that Ian Davis said:
> ; Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> ; > Can we call in a surgical nuclear strike on the Yahoo! headquarters?
> ; If by "we" you mean "I," then no, because all that will happen is that it will have five small strategically placed holes, some half-digested nurses, a confused and somewhat angry dog, several unfilled prescriptions, and no music at all.
> Why are the nurses only half digested,

Maybe he ate them too quickly?

>and who confused the dog?

Whoever though naming him "Stay" was a good idea...

dan, whose bight red Siamese fighting fishies spend all day chasing their tail


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Additional Additional Important News
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 21:42:56 -0500

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> What with two new-baby messages in one day, I'm feeling a bit left out. So...

<snip>

All this babymaking reminds me of the time, so many years ago, when my lovely wife was pregnant, and so many acquaintances kept asking if we planned to videotape the birth, that being the "thing" to do at the time. I finally determined that the best answer to such queries was, "No, but I have a tape of the conception, if you'd like to see that."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Not only, but also
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 31 Mar 2002 10:34:24 +0100

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> writes
>Pete and Dud, together again. What a year it's been.

You're forgetting that Mr. Cook was reincarnated as Liz Hurley. Young Mr. Moore is just going to have to find another partner. The Queen Mum's available. Or how about this?

St. Pete: Y'see, Dud, Adam and Eve were naked, but they did not know they were naked.
Dud: That's daft, that is. They'd know pretty soon if they got caught up on the brambles.
St. Pete: Dud, I speak with a voice of authority on biblical matters.

Okay, so he'll have to work a bit on his punchlines.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*----Look, if you had women coming out of your pocket---
--*-----*--*--wouldn't you rather have Liz than some big bathers?--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Congratulations!!!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 30 Mar 2002 21:21:15 GMT

You, RHOD, may already be a winner!!!

Ahem, sorry. No, actually I'm just catching up from a few days away from RHOD and figured I could save some bandwidth by posting a single message that includes a "glad to hear you're doing well" for Jeff, and a Mazel Tov (adjusted for regional and religious variations) to Ken and Nassif and their respective now-slightly-larger families.

And then I remembered where I was, so I decided to babble on for a while about nothing in particular, so as not to accidentally concerve RHOD bandwidth. Blah blah blah 13" penis blah blah blah.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if anyone'll notice that he slipped that in

From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
I noticed all right, I just didn't expect you to slip it into THAT.


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