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2002 05 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 17 May 2002 00:31:39 -0400

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> Jim Evans reportedly said this:
> >Comrade Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> >> Jim Evans wrote:
> >> ; JIM, me, Sid and VIKI are all the Imperiousity that RHOD needs anyway...
> >> Shouldn't that be JIM, ME [OTHER-JIM] SID and VIKI?
> >If there's another me around, I'd like to have a word with him. He's not doing his share of the work, obviously.
> To be fair, though, I think he has a pretty good excuse. You are, after all, the one who trapped him within another dimension of your devising, and then set him up as a superhero of the realm.
> Not terribly clever, that. I'm thinking he got the better part of the deal. All *he* has to do is save the universe on occasion with almost always a guaranteed win scenario over the horizon; *you* have to stay up late and figure out how you're going to get him out of the mess you've put him in.

Hmmm... you're right, you know. Not only that, he's got a girlfriend, and I don't... Great Feynman's Ghost, I've been shafted!

On the other hand, he also has to deal with TA's alter-egos ; )

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Netscape/Linux
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 14:14:14 +1000

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
> >> Sounds right. Should I misquote some Hoodoo Guru lyrics now? ;-P
> >You've never needed to ask my permission before!
> Don't now. Just some of your exquisite timing, thanks.

...pation.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Strange
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 09:49:37 -0500

Brantley Hudson wrote:
> Donald Welsh wrote:
> <snip>
> > The FTC's proposed national "Do Not Call" registry:
> > http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/edcams/donotcall/index.htm
> And wouldn't that be a really nice thing to have? One thing not included (at least in my read) was non-profit solicitors. They are just about as annoying... IMO.

No, they're worse. They try to make you feel guilty for neglecting the unfortunate people they are supposedly collecting money for, as though you personally are responsible for their plight if you don't cough up the cash.

Or they make you feel threatened.

Al, "No, officer, I wasn't speeding. And yes, I did contribute to the State Troopers fund. I just haven't put the sticker in my window yet."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Strange
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 21 May 2002 13:06:44 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
> No, they're worse. They try to make you feel guilty for neglecting the unfortunate people they are supposedly collecting money for, as though you personally are responsible for their plight if you don't cough up the cash.

Heh. I turn the tables on 'em, thusly:

"Wow, am I glad you called. I'm a member of ($XYX) volunteer fire department, and ($ABC) emergency responders; how do we go about signing up our organization for disbursements from your efforts?"

> Or they make you feel threatened.
> Al, "No, officer, I wasn't speeding. And yes, I did contribute to the State Troopers fund. I just haven't put the sticker in my window yet."

Heh. It's good to know the cops in my area. Not sure it's ever helped, but it certainly doesn't hurt.

Dave "It keeps me off the streets, y'know. Oh, wait..." Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A milestone, of sorts...
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Sun, 19 May 2002 14:56:58 +1000

Ian Davis wrote ...
>Dear all,
>For your entertainment and edification, I forward to you the 20,000th oracularity sent to me for consideration. Interestingly, in some respects it encapsulates much that was characteristic of the preceding 19,999.
>To the supplicant: ever tried to put a squid through a franking machine?
>To the incarnation: you owe me.
>To both: sorry, I didn't select it. I hope that you are able to recover from this setback and move on in your lives.

My sincerest congratulations. A monumental effort. Many would look at such an incredible, often thankless, self-imposed task and wonder "What the hell for?"

Others of us, of greater sensitivity, humanity and being pretty much moral sieves, look at such a stupefyingly astounding achievement, multiply the audience by the number of positive outcomes and say loudly "Why the hell NOT?"

Well done, Ian, and keep up the good work. Oh, and keep being a Priest, too.

Richard F.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who's Who & D. E. Mack's
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 18:30:07 -0400

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> My friend's intent was to analyse Herodotus' different use of language when knowingly telling what we believe is the truth, repeating what he'd heard/gathered (with no idea of its truth) and when he was either lying or at least generally not supported by other sources. That done, he was going to apply the results (if any) to the other unconfirmed/undenied bits Herodotus' writings to try and determine which bits seem to be "true".
> Sadly, we lost contact about two or three years before his project was to bear fruit.

Yah, it's hard to keep in touch with researchers whose projects result in their being committed to an asylum.

I mean PLEASE. I'm about to have a nervous twitch just from contemplating such an analysis. Just read the stuff, write a term paper comparing and contrasting it with some Tennessee Williams play, and MOVE ON. Life is too frickin' short.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who's Who & D. E. Mack's
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 12:54:26 +1000

"Freyja" <freyjaw.prodigynocrap.net> wrote:
> Freyja (despam me)
> whose large greyscale American snoring kitties walk on her pentacle

For some reason, I just had a mental image of an octopus in a wheelchair.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 17 May 2002 19:04:24 GMT

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> And of course since Donut Road has been proven to be infinite, it goes both north/south and east/west, as well as all diagonals.

You think that's bad; things get downright hazardous once you get half-way along the Moebius Strip.

Dave "can you serve that in a Klein bottle please?" Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 17 May 2002 20:12:38 GMT

> Dave "can you serve that in a Klein bottle please?" Hinz

It might be too big for the bottle. Fortunately, that which sticks out of the bottle is still inside. Or is even an infinitely-large Klein bottle also infinitely small, since no matter how little you put inside, it's already on the outside?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies come from the water, livin' in the water--go back to the water, turn the world around.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 18 May 2002 09:51:48 +0100

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes
>And of course since Donut Road has been proven to be infinite, it goes both north/south and east/west, as well as all diagonals.

Precisely the reason this move was banned from the game of Mornington Crescent under the terms of the Hammerfest Accord.

I suggest you go for Birdcage Walk. Admittedly, it only blocks two of the three possible draws, but it does prevent an elliptical progression south of the river which would force you into a calamitous defensive contraction.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*--Who rarely finds Samantha sitting on his right hand--


From: Hetta <hetta.saunalahti.fi>
> ...would force you into a calamitous defensive contraction.
Sheer poetry.
You forgot that it's Saturday, though, so the double-switched shunt to the north is open, too.
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Damn, you're right. I'm in Nidd now. Expect no further postings from me until someone reverses all the green counters.

From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
> --*----*---*--Who rarely finds Samantha sitting on his right hand--

So you're left-handed then?

JIM

From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
}... would force you into a calamitous defensive contraction.
I get it!
If you see a giraffe on a moped, then you can take the 6:30 tram to Londoninium but only if you're on roller blades. Otherwise you must take a circuitous route over the Thames being careful to not step in all the bullish from Merril-Lynch. Failing that means you're unable to get to the tower and will miss the Queen's address entirely. After that, you may as well start over, except that you can't because it's too late to get any public transport.
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Correct in every particular.
Anyone still in difficulties after this lucid explication could do worse than to log on to BBC Radio 4 on the Web at 18:30 BST on Monday, when the 30th anniversary series of "I'm Sorry I Haven't Got a Clue" kicks off.
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
This makes at least as much sense as anything I've been able to figure out about Mornington Crescent.
Granted, the sum of my knowledge of it comes from here.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 00:39:25 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Jeffrey Kaplan')...done.
>Richard Wilson wrote:
>; --*-----*--*---"Bring Me the Head 'n Shoulders of Alfredo Garcia"--
>Now why would you want Mr. Garcia's shampoo?

Here in 'Straya I've just begun seeing advertisements for Head 'n Shoulders shampoo.. which are, to my mind, quite disturbing. The advert is quite simple - a head-and-shoulders shot of a blonde woman who holds up the bottle and waves it about a bit for emphasis. Now, the bit that scares me is that (to my mind) the bottle is obviously fake - it's been pasted into the picture after the original footage was shot. I can tell because when she shakes it, the bottle moves slightly out of synch with her hand.

Why is this so? What horrible, gruesome object was the lady in question waving around originally, that required a second-rate Photoshopectomy? What nasty truth about Head 'n Shoulders Shampoo is being withheld from us, the viewing public? Why should I trust the endorsement of a female who cannot even be trusted to hold a bottle of shampoo properly?

Even more disturbingly, why "Head 'n Shoulders"? When I get in the shower, I pretty much only shampoo my head. Is there really a segment of the population large enough to support an entire product line, who (a) have enough shoulder-hair that they need to specifically pay attention to cleaning it regularly, and (b) found that traditional brands of shampoo weren't effective in cleaning their shoulder-hair?

Screwtape,
...Maybe they should try using real poo instead.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 22 May 2002 02:10:40 GMT

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
> And of course since Donut Road has been proven to be infinite, it goes both north/south and east/west, as well as all diagonals.

I don't think that's right. It's just a road, not a surface. I can't think how one could construct a Donut World such that each of the infinite number of Donut Roads passing through each Donut Intersection could safisfy the original criterion (on Donut Road, one direction the donuts get better, the other direction worse). Consider an intersection with the coordinate axes being two Donut Roads. Say the directions (1,0) and (0,1) are towards better donuts. That means that going (-1,0) or (0,-1) get worse donuts. You said that Donut Roads go off at every diagonal, but at some angle between (1,0) (getting better) and (0,-1) (getting worse), there must be a road on which the donut quanity does not change.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder why he knows so much about rubber sheet geometry

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: Patrick Shaughnessy <pshaughn.attbi.com>
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 02:24:22 GMT

> better) and (0,-1) (getting worse), there must be a road on which the donut quanity does not change.

The jelly ones get better. The chocolate glazed ones get worse. Actually, Donut Road would be n-dimensional where n is the number of flavors....


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 22 May 2002 02:46:44 GMT

> The jelly ones get better. The chocolate glazed ones get worse.

But then all the the angles would have various hybrids such as (chocolate-glazed)(sub x)(jelly-filled)(sub 1-x) donuts. This foul abomination would clearly improve by moving closer towards whichever flavor is the major component, in a polar coordinate/ring-road manner. But at the angle where x=.5, both clockwise and counterclockwise (at a given radius of overall donut quality) would be an improvement, again contradicting the Donut Road premise.

> Actually, Donut Road would be n-dimensional where n is the number of flavors....

There may be an infinite number of flavors, but for the reason noted above, many (hence, infinitely many) flavors must never meet. Thus, the flavors do not represent an infinite number of dimensions, but rather represent donut shop(pe)s along an infinte number of parallel Donut Roads. Thus we can, in fact, have a Donut Plane, but there are very few perpendicular Donut Cross-streets.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonde if we can summon the long-lost RHOD mathentologists with this thread


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 20:13:29 GMT

Daniel E. Macks tempted the fate of Cantor's madness:
>> "Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
>>> You said that Donut Roads go off at every diagonal, but at some angle between (1,0) (getting better) and (0,-1) (getting worse), there must be a road on which the donut quanity does not change.

There would be such a path, assuming no discontinuities (e.g. impassable barrier mountain ranges or Deadly Deserts) on the Doughnut World surface. There would not necessarily be a road lying on such a path, but its possibility is implied by the Fixdoughnut Theorem.

But at the angle where x=.5, both clockwise and counterclockwise (at a given radius of overall donut quality) would be an improvement, again contradicting the Donut Road premise.

Imagine the quality of Doughnuts mapped as elevation. If the corresponding shape were a monkey saddle, there would be three roads satisfying the original criterion. Of course, there would still be the same-old-same-old paths, but think how neat the diagram would look.

Thus we can, in fact, have a Donut Plane, but there are very few perpendicular Donut Cross-streets.

We can have a Doughnut Cylinder, infinite in length, with no perpendicular cross-streets; only longitudinal or helical streets.

The Doughnut Surface could be two-dimensional, with all roads passing through the Original Doughnut.

What about non-Euclidean Doughnut surfaces?

>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonde if we can summon the long-lost RHOD mathentologists with this thread

Be careful what you wish for.

-- D. "If the quality of the Doughnuts on the Doughnut Road were proportional to the harmonic series of the number of shops away from the Original Doughnut, the quality would grow without bound but exceedingly slowly...." W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 00:58:49 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Donald Welsh')...done.
>The Doughnut Surface could be two-dimensional, with all roads passing through the Original Doughnut.

Regrettably, the Doughnut Surface cannot be a torus, as a torus necessarily has finite boundaries, and the Doughnut Surface is necessarily infinite. : (


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 23 May 2002 16:25:57 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> said:
} There would be such a path, assuming no discontinuities (e.g. impassable barrier mountain ranges or Deadly Deserts) on the Doughnut World surface.

That's what I was saying, for purposes of disproving that Donut-World was simply a two-dimensional analog of Donut Road, inasmuch as

} There would not necessarily be a road lying on such a path,

contradicts T"T"H's statement about the Donut Intersection.

} but its possibility is implied by the Fixdoughnut Theorem.

Yes, but the second dimension must be defined differently than the first.

} Imagine the quality of Doughnuts mapped as elevation. If the corresponding shape were a monkey saddle,

I'm sorry, but no serious discussion can include the term "monkey saddle". Please try to express yourself without resorting to such silliness.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to play with their cockatoo


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 22:11:18 -0400

Comrade Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> But then all the the angles would have various hybrids such as (chocolate-glazed)(sub x)(jelly-filled)(sub 1-x) donuts.

So, jelly and chocolate-glazed are just end-members? Is there a change in crystal structure at any point in the continuum?

> This foul abomination would clearly improve by moving closer towards whichever flavor is the major component, in a polar-coordinate/ring-road manner. But at the angle where x=.5, both clockwise and counterclockwise (at a given radius of overall donut quality) would be an improvement, again contradicting the Donut Road premise.

Well, it depends on how foul the jelly is.

> There may be an infinite number of flavors, but for the reason noted above, many (hence, infinitely many) flavors must never meet.

I suspect that for logical consistency, it may be necessary to have a discrete spectrum of flavours. But this post is too short to contain the proof.

> Thus, the flavors do not represent an infinite number of dimensions, but rather represent donut shop(pe)s along an infinte number of parallel Donut Roads. Thus we can, in fact, have a Donut Plane, but there are very few perpendicular Donut Cross-streets.

Right... I think we can consider a countably-infinite number of discrete flavours, with continua of the form A(sub x)B(sub 1-x) existing only between nearest neighbour flavours. Thus the doughnut roads form an n-dimensional cubic lattice with intersections between doughnut roads corresponding to discrete flavours. Of course each road intersects an infinite number of other roads and is parallel to an infinite number.

> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonde if we can summon the long-lost RHOD mathentologists with this thread

He Who Greps For the Doughnut Road?

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: URL, and it's cool...
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 18:56:36 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>Matthew Davey wrote:
>; I know, but i fail to see the point of geting something else when i will be 'going over' to linux almost full time at the end of the monthe anyway. All I need now is a way to play Championship Manager and most of my Windows games on the penguin. That and gnome 2 to be released
>I'm given to understand that wine works with damn near all Windows programs now. Including my favorite more-than-adequate newsreader.

Sounds like an excellent way to relieve the stress induced by using Windows software, as long as you don't develop cirrhosis.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: URL, and it's cool...
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Sun, 19 May 2002 01:56:03 GMT

A group of monkeys who FEEL the POWER claiming to be pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>Brantley Hudson reportedly said this:
>>pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>><snippity-snip>
>>> Still, I'll see if I can hire Billy Graham to convert people for me, or at the very least convince them to send him lots of money in my name.
>>I think you might be confused here. BG isn't the guy asking for $$$$.
>He's a televangelist; they *all* ask for money at some point or another. What gets me is that I'm starting to learn the names of these two-bit hacks (no offense) because my parents watch "700 Club" and want me to, as well. Well, gee, mom, dad, I'd like to, but I'd rather *not* get brainwashed and start emptying my pockets in their general direction. Just one of those personal preference things, I guess.

You know, since Ernest Angley's show got canned, it's just not been the same.

He was a bit like the Southern Baptist version of the Spanish Inquisition. During part of his show he'd bring various afflicted folks up on stage and cure them by laying on hands.

Usually quite forcefully, and often very unexpectedly.

He'd regularly do things like sink his fingers up to the second knuckle into deaf kids ears or slap old guys who used crutches.

My personal favorite:

One of the afflicted came up to him suffering from the demon habit of smoking. Ernest spoke with him for around a minute about how bad smoking was then suddenly decked him with an open palm to the forehead. Quite abruptly.

The guy went down hard, needless to say, and skidded backwards about a foot to boot.

Ernest took a few steps, leaned over him and asked in a thick southern accent and a bit of an evil grin.

"So, would you like a cigarette?"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: URL, and it's cool...
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Sun, 19 May 2002 14:23:55 +1000

Jim Evans wrote:
> David Winsemius wrote:
>> David "wots a Rhodite?" Winsemius
>About two pounds twenty.

Nahhhhh. The answer to "wots a Rhodite?" is:

"Oh, abaht a duzzen oystahs; a hyyuuuuuge stoik wif mashed p'taytuz, coupla grilled tomahtuz and mixed vegies - finished orf wif a nenormous pavlova; all washed dahn wif a few points of th' ambah nectah."

Roight?

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti comes the raw prawn.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's much better than Cats, I'm going to see it again
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 21 May 2002 15:01:55 GMT

Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> wrote:
> TimC wrote:
>> You thought we were intelligently discussing witty things, didn't you? Ha, it was hamspter porn (not port, mind you) all along, encoded using
> Don't know what a Hamspter is, but it sounds vaguely piglike.

It's a ham-swapping service running on the Internet, which has recently been shut down by the pigs.

Dave "peer to peer is the way to go..." Hinz

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
> Dave "peer to peer is the way to go..." Hinz
Interestingly, that is the motto of our hospital's renal unit.

From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
88888888888888

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
No, that one is the breast clinic.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's much better than Cats, I'm going to see it again
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 12:41:04 +1000

"Ken Adams" <kmadams85.comcast.net> wrote:
> > > Dave "peer to peer is the way to go..." Hinz
> > Interestingly, that is the motto of our hospital's renal unit.
> DAERTA anal unit?

That would be >*< >*< >*< >*< >*< >*< >+< >< >*< >*< >< >*<

See if you can spot the colostomy patients.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Darwin Awards
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 16 May 2002 23:03:16 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Al Sharka')...done.
>All my garbage files get named "poop" or "poo",

The three most common methods of viewing the contents of a file under Unix being "more", "less", and "cat".

Screwtape,
...who should make a command "steaming", just for you scatologically inclined folks.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Darwin Awards
From: Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com>
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 15:35:29 -0500

nospam.nospam.invalid wrote:
> Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
>>>Yep. I thought it odd too ... Streaming poo ??? Yuck.
>>Diane Fossey's book _Gorillas in the Mist_ describes this. Gorillas eat a lot of celery, and get a *lot* of fiber in their diet. Depending on how slowly they travel, they can leave a long trail behind them.
> Thank you. Thank you so *very* much for that image!
> I suppose that may be valuable information if one is following a gorilla through the forest, but since I have no plans to do that in the forseeable future, I'd really rather not have known that.

Scene: The "Crocodile Hunter" standing in a small clearing among dense overgrowth.

"Today, I'll be trackin' a wild gorilla! These beasts can *really* make a bit of a path... _Look at that_, a long trail in the underbrush! Let's find out what it is!" (He gingerly picks up a bit of the 'trail') "It's still *warm*, we're close to the beast!"

Yep... that's quite the mental image... ICK!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Darwin Awards
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 17:41:04 +0100

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> writes
>Okay, then I won't mention that coprophagy has been observed in most chordates (including the primates in the aforementioned book).

I'll aid you in re-raising the tone by also not mentioning that autocoprophagy is common amongst small herbivores, such as rabbits. As for naked molerat pups, when they spot an adult taking a dump, they will go over and beg.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*----I can't imagine where Mr Macks gets the idea that his--
--*-----*---brSff have noticeably bad breath, relatively speaking--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Darwin Awards
From: ossipewsk.cheerful.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
Date: 22 May 2002 22:24:26 -0700

[WARNING: unsignposted snippage ahead]
dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> Okay, then I won't mention that coprophagy has been observed in most chordates (including the primates in the aforementioned book). My hypothesis is that human society doesn't practice it because we get enough B vitamins from fermented foods.

So, when we get drunk on aforesaid fermented foods, we regress to an earlier level of development, attempt to eat what we would normally refer to as "shit" and the combination of drunken clumsiness plus the no-longer-present drive to forage for B-group vitamins makes us miss and hence...

... we end up "shit-faced"!

That explains so much.

Richard F.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Darwin Awards
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 17 May 2002 18:18:55 GMT

TimC wrote:
>Jim Evans wrote:
>> Comrade TimC wrote:

[ about his cat named Puddy ]

>> Neat name - though I'd have gone for Billy Phred!, obviously.
>He he. When I was originally thinking of names, I produced a file called "names.txt". So I just did "cat names.txt" and made myself laugh!

Then when you didn't find a name you liked, you read "more names.txt".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting URL
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 12:43:42 +1000

Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
> You mean we're *not* sock puppets? Then how come there's this hand up my...nevermind.

Those IRS audits are really something, aren't they?

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting URL
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 17:43:55 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com> writes
>And you're right, Richard: there's no such thing as a negative IQ. Even a glass of water has an IQ, though granted it's rather low (I've heard various values, from 5 to 80. But I thought dogs were 80 ...). I just don't want to know who actually sat down with a glass of water and submitted it to an IQ test. Sounds like an existential thing to do.

Many, many moons ago, when I was but a young, wet-behind-the-ears molerat pup, I worked as a temporary clerical assistant in a civil service department in London. The inmates seemed to like me, perhaps because I was far less rude to them than the executive officer in whose nominal charge I was (I wonder whatever happened to Erol?), so they encouraged me to take the civil service entrance exam. Since this meant goofing off work for 2 mornings and still getting paid, I acceded.

The exam comprised 2 sections, each worth 50 marks. The first was an IQ test, for which as usual they told you not to worry if you couldn't complete it in the time allotted, as that was the way it was designed, and which as usual I completed with 15 minutes to spare.

When I arrived for the 2nd test on the 2nd morning, I was confronted with a sheet of paper bearing a single question. It described how I had been sent as special envoy to a fictional country, which was facing a welter of socio-economic and demographic problems suspiciously similar to those then facing the UK. I had 2 hours to solve them all.

I stared at the question a while. It seemed to me that asking a young snotmonkey like me for solutions to all the problems the greatest minds in our country had wrestled with and failed to overcome was almost but not quite as asinine as any answers said snotmonkey could come up with. I stared at the question a little longer, then left the room. I hadn't even written my name on the answer book. Since the examiner and other examinees didn't know me, nobody could prove I had ever been there.

Two weeks later I got my results: I'd scored 52 out of 100, a marginal pass. So, even if I'd scored 50 out of 50 for the 1st test (presumably giving me an IQ of infinity), I still managed to get at least 2 marks for disturbing the air in the examination room during the 2nd test.

So anyway, potu, I don't think glasses of water and IQ is an existential kind of thing - I think it has to do with chaos theory. A butterfly beats its wings in New Zealand, and a pad of Post-It notes gets elected to mensa in Albuquerque. Happens all the time.

And no, I didn't avail myself of the opportunity to join the civil service full-time.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*---A decision I have rarely since regretted--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting URL
From: pieceoftheuniverse <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 12:13:13 -0600

Richard Wilson reportedly said this:
<snip a fabulous tale>
>... I don't think glasses of water and IQ is an existential kind of thing - I think it has to do with chaos theory. A butterfly beats its wings in New Zealand, and a pad of Post-It notes gets elected to mensa in Albuquerque. Happens all the time.

I'd like you to know I'm keeping this paragraph, framing it, and hanging it up in my computer room, in the hopes that the air molecules disturbed will, somewhere, somewhen, form the words "ha ha" over someone's dinner plate.

--
pieceoftheuniverse
But I'll settle for "Don't Eat Me," if it comes down to it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting URL
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 22:30:27 -0400

Jim Evans wrote:
> Oh, and I didn't finish the test. The memorizing-British-street-addresses part pissed me off. So I suppose I'd have to subtract an irrational anger penalty, too.

The BBC is trying to skew things so the Brits look smarter than the colonists. That's okay, we'll show them. We'll just go watch some more Benny Hill reruns. Or maybe "Friends."

> Jeez, this isn't IQ, it's an RPG intelligence stat.
> JIM, Int 21, Wis 6

Hey! These "smart pills" taste like goat turds.

NOW you're gettin' smart, boy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting URL
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 29 May 2002 13:51:44 +1000

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
> > < http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bliq-bush.htm > purports to show the figures for US Presidential IQ. You'll see that you have more than enough smarts to run the USA, and plenty more smarts than either of the Bushes, Ford and Reagan.
> In the USA this is what's known as a left-handed complement; I'm not sure what the appropriate UKism would be.

"You have shit for brains."

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting URL
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 17 May 2002 23:44:39 GMT

Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> said:
> Seems like a good time to mention:
> http://www.bbc.co.uk/testthenation/
> Get your IQ testing done today!!

I can't...Mozilla froze part-way through.

Although I did like the Emetic Elevator Company.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies always wondered why the elevator car went shooting out the top of the shaft


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting URL
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.grayhoundchronicles.com>
Date: Mon, 27 May 2002 15:56:23 GMT

A group of drooling monkeys claiming to be dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> "stimpy" <stimpy.SPAM.wgt.org.uk> wrote:
>[ snip discussion of IQ scores ]
>>also, two months ago i applied to join mensa and passed the IQ tests (i never went to college and did quite badly on my a-levels (kinda like AP tests for merkans) and i need something to show i can do stuff once i move to merka next month)
>The Cattell test doesn't test general knowledge. There's also a "culture fair" version, which avoids even detailed knowledge of English.
>>and yes, they do let you in even if you don't use capital letters and use far too many run on sentences and begin them with "and".
>They let you in if you are in the top 2% of the population in IQ, as measured by any standardized IQ test. You can remain a member even if you later get brain damage and lose your former intelligence.
>But yes, appearances can be deceiving. I knew someone once who looked like your basic redneck. He was a graduate student in nuclear physics.
>>i'm also aware that this may not help me at all, but better something han nothing... right?
>Yeah, I know, you just want to get invited to the good parties.

Pansies.

Egotist pansies.

While you all were debating the lowest possible score (in order to determine whether or not yours were significantly above or below the average, I was doing my part as a proud american to ensure that Britains National IQ was not that high after all.

That's right, I set out from the start to answer each and every question incorrectly (I'd note that I also tried to answer the example questions incorrectly as well, except for the fact that they wouldn't let me. In addition, I noted that if I failed to answer the example question correctly, the clock reset by five seconds to allow me to absorb the information. I presume this was done because the machine could not reach out and slap me although I could see it was really trying)

Oddly, answering the questions incorrectly generally required me to figure out the answer soley to avoid clicking on it. Unfortunately, due to a bit of my own numerical ignorance and the law of averages, I believe I accidentally answered one of the questions correctly.

Regardless, I submitted my answer and began waiting for my results to be emailed back.


I'm still waiting.


I can only surmise that one of three things occurred:

1. I flubbed my email address proving that I am a complete moron start to finish (Doubtful, but possible)
2. Those clever smarty guys properly deduced my villainous scheme and decided to discard my entry (lest I drag down the national average considerably)
3. They figured that sending an email to an IQ slightly lower than a potted plant with those very results would probably not be well received, and instead hoped for something shiny to distract me.

So know that while you lot were busy whipping out your rulers and frontal lobes, I was taking the statistically impotent, err, important step of determining the lower bounds.


Now, if only I can figure out why I'm suddenly getting all these "Natures Viagra" and Multi-level Marketing proposals to the mail address I submitted. (ooh, look, the Brooklyn Bridge is for sale again!)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting URL
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 18 May 2002 10:38:42 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com> writes
>On a completely unrelated note: a long time ago I thought that some sites should restrict their audience not just by intelligence, but by how well they could take a joke and understand basic tenants.

"So this is your bedroom, sir. As I explained on the phone, we can't provide en suite, but the bathroom down the hall is reserved for your personal use."

"What bath-room?"

"What's a bathroom? It's where you go when, you know, you have to go."

"When Og go, Og go in wood. Like bear."

"O-o-okay. Well, try not to let anyone see you. Now, Mr Thag, what did I say about leaving our spiky clubs in the umbrella stand in the hall?"

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----A dogma is for life, not just for Christmas---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Just Another Day Working for the NHS
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 22 May 2002 20:20:01 +0100

I haven't got a desk yet, let alone an office, so I'm working out of my briefcase and planting myself at any desk in the Clinical Governance department that happens to be unoccupied that day, briefcase lying open on the side for access. Coming out of a meeting just before lunchtime, I spot my boss's secretary prowling around the place with a fistful of black pens.

"...12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16..." she's mumbling.

I tactfully ignore her and sit down at my temporary desk, preparing to write down the salient points of the meeting for my own edification. I reach into my briefcase...

"Where's my pen?"

"...20 - 21 - what?"

"My pen. Have you got my pen?"

"I don't know. Is it one of these?"

"Yeah, that one, with the flat top."

"Well, I need it."

"Yes, but it's mine! It's not an NHS pen, it's my personal pen. It's *mine*!"

"Look, I need 24 of the bastards, okay? Sod it all, this isn't what I'm paid for."

"Never mind your identity crises. What am I supposed to write with?"

"<expletives deleted> Here - have this blue one."

"Eeuw! Someone's been chewing the cap, that always grosses me out! Why do you need 24 black pens anyway?"

"Because there's a bloody radiology course for GPs in the training centre, and you can't trust bloody GPs to think to bring a pen. And the bloody training centre's run out of bloody pens, that's why."

"Yeah, but they're bloody GPs, right? You can't trust them to give the pens back afterwards either. It's *my* pen, dammit! This never happened when I worked in industry."

"Learn to live with it, sunshine. Bugger, you've made me lose count - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4..."

I'm putting in an expense claim.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---Laszlo Biro has a lot to answer for--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Eurovision
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 23 May 2002 23:17:54 -0400

Comrade Ross Clement wrote:
> The full horror can be revealed at:
> http://www.eurovision.tv/en/contestants/

"Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia" must be hard to fit on the postage stamps.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Eurovision
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 16:00:30 -0600

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> Don Rosso Clementi wrote:
> > pieceoftheuniverse (spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com) wrote:
> > : pieceoftheuniverse
> > : And what's with all the gorgeous women being from countries where I can't speak the language? It's a conspiracy, I tell ya ...
> > Actually, since it's now been some time since I was single, I sort of forget about checking out the opposite sex. But, you've given me the chance for a bit of vicarious matchmaking. How about you and the the Latvian contestant?
> > She's attractive. Speaks English (see the bio, she also speaks Latvian, Russian, French, and Italian), and unlike many of the (male and female) bimbos fronting for various countries, actually is a talent (she wrote her own song, and, for however much that means, it's definitely one of the better ones), and even has a law degree. What more could you want? Latvia's a small country, so if you address your love letter to "Marija Naumova, Latvia", I'm sure it'll get through :-)
> Actually, you would require the full address, which is "Marija Naumova, Former Baltic Soviet Republic of Latvia".

I *think* you'll find that Latvia is in fact still on the Baltic.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Eurovision
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 26 May 2002 09:54:18 +0100

Matthew Davey <matthewdavey.nospam.spinpoetry.com> writes
>At the moment, its between Malta and Latvia.
>All the songs are dire, thats kind of the name of the game when it comes to eurovision

No, that's only part of it. You're forgetting the teeth-gratingly awful male and female presenters (She: "You see, Europe is the only continent beginning with an E - all the others begin with A - and Estonia is one of the few countries in Europe beginning with an E, so tonight it is the Big E!" Wogan: "You heard right, folks - they're planning to give Eurovision the Big E.") There must be at least 5 songs which repeat the final refrain in a different key (ideally, all the songs should do this). There must be at least one appearance of an ethnic instrument (I was about to write "musical instrument" but, this being rhod, I thought I'd give you all a thrill). There must be at least one barking mad act (thank you, Slovenia, for your sublime transvestites dressed as heavily be-sequined air hostesses) for the benefit of the camp segment of the audience. At least 3 songs must be accompanied by a troupe of incompetent but enthusiastic exotic dancers. There must be at least one fat, middle-aged rocker who, if he'd had any decency, would have expired from a drugs overdose decades ago (well done, Belgium). The act brought on to fill the time between the songs and the voting must be even more ghastly than what went before. All representatives of national juries must say something incomprehensible in the host country's language (the presenters must then pretend they've understood it), and at least one male representative must be impossible to shut up once he's given his country's points. The voting must not only be staggeringly regionally biased, it must be *seen* to be staggeringly regionally biased (hands up anyone who failed to shout: "Latvia, douze points!" before the Lithuanian representative announced it).

And last but not least, we'll all be rivetted to our TV sets again this time next year, because it's one of the most compelling forms of entertainment ever devised by mankind, with the possible exception of sticking sharp bones through your nipples and spinning by them from the ceiling like Richard Harris in "A Man Called Horse".

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*--Oh, and congratulations on your fiancee's success, potu--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD.NYC
From: pieceoftheuniverse <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 09:06:20 -0600

Rhodnius wrote:
<context snipped>
>What can I do you for?

About twenty-five cents, but if you call him a two-bit ho then you'll get hit by a bag of quarters.


Not that this has ever happened to me, of course.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bright Spark
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 31 May 2002 04:44:41 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> said:
> Well done, both of you. I'm lokoing at doing a post-grad or second degree one day - let me know if it's worth it.

NONO            NONO        NONONONONONO        NONO    NONO    NONO
NONO    NONO      NONONONONONO        NONO    NONO    NONO
NONO    NONO      NONONONONONO        NONO    NONO    NONO
NONONONO        NONO    NONO            NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO
NONONONO  NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO
NONONONO  NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO
NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO            NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO
NONO  NONO  NONO  NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO
NONO  NONO  NONO  NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO    NONO
NONO        NONONONO    NONO            NONO
NONO      NONONONO  NONO    NONO
NONO      NONONONO  NONO    NONO
NONO            NONO        NONONONONONO        NONO    NONO    NONO
NONO    NONO      NONONONONONO        NONO    NONO    NONO
NONO    NONO      NONONONONONO        NONO    NONO    NONO

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies never saw him have that firm an opinion before

From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
That's one of the worst Tetris games I've ever seen.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bright Spark
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sat, 25 May 2002 09:06:15 -0400

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>> davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>>>Dave "I mean, I was writing custom business software by then, scarily enough..." Hinz
>> Erm, how "custom" was this software?
> Erm, as in, start like this:
> 1 REM ACCOUNTS PAYABLE PROGRAM FOR ABC INCORPORATED
> 2 REM COPYRIGHT (C) DAVID J. HINZ, PROGRAM STARTED 02-FEB-82
> 3 REM LAST UPDATE 02-MAR-82
> 10 PRINT "MAIN MENU":PRINT
> 20 PRINT "A ADD NEW TRANSACTION"
> 30 PRINT "B SHOW PENDING PAYMENTS"
> ... and so on. Boring stuff, for the most part, and I reused massive amounts of my code (hrrrm, some things show no sign of changing any time soon) from program to program. I mean, once you write a 'sort' subroutine, why re-invent the wheel, right?

"Well, Mr. Customer, I did several optimizations to the bubblesort routines, which will improve performance by a huge margin. That'll be ten thousand dollars."

I think that about covers the whole "re-inventing the wheel" discussion.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Away with Words
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 16:56:13 +0100

I shall have to speak firmly to my temporary clerical assistant. I wandered in on her answering the phone to someone who had been put through to the wrong department thusly: "I'm afraid we don't know. You see, you've been put through to Knowledge Services..."

But as she wasn't finished, I checked my email instead. It contained the following message:

"By the way, welcome to the team!

<name of sender excised>

The contents of this message are not necessarily the policy or opinion or representative of the policy or opinion of Southern Derbyshire Health Authority..."

But I'd already guessed that.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*--After half a litre of whisky, the contents of _this_ message--
--*----*---*--aren't even likely to be _my_ policy or opinion--*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Away with Words
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 29 May 2002 17:35:03 +0100

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes
> Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
>> --*--After half a litre of whisky, the contents of _this_ message--
>> --*----*---*--aren't even likely to be _my_ policy or opinion--*---
>So, the policy there seems to be to assume that everyone present has consumed a half-liter or more of whiskey?

No, dear boy, that's the policy on rhod. You don't seriously expect me to read this stuff *sober*, do you?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*----Though it's hard to read the NHS Plan without--
--*----*---*---*-----*--first being placed on a Drambuie drip--*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: How to wash your kitty, and survive
From: pieceoftheuniverse <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 15:30:45 -0600

Bugrrit wrote:
>well, sort of:
> http://gas.physics.usu.edu/~steev/kitty_gallery/catbath.html

Now that's just silly.

My sister has cats, and thus, for a time, *I* had cats.


Hmmm ...

Okay: more accurately: my sister is owned by cats, and thus, for a time, *I* was thusly owned by a cat.


Hmmmmmmm ...

Yet more accurately: my sister and I are owned by cats, though I have found that being almost a thousand miles away eliminates a lot of the responsibility. At any rate, one of the many duties in cat-ness is bathing them, which they despise. My sister and my mother would suit themselves up in battle gear and go at it, but I found a simpler (and much safer) method: don't immerse the cat in water.

Just get a small bowl of soapy water, an equally small bowl of regular water, and sit by your cat, causual-like. Pet your cat. Dirty, isn't it? And now, no doubt, the cat has decided that you're worth the effort of its company, and might even honour you with sitting on your lap. That's fine, just as long as the bowls of water (and a rag) are in easy reach. If you really truly and desperately need to clean the cat, you might try reading a book. Cats just can't ignore that kind of temptation.

With the cat in your lap, dampen the rag *ever so slightly* with the soapy water, and start at the head (Lance was particular about starting right above the eyes, but I suppose it could depend on the cat) and work your way to the rest of the creature, making short, soft strokes. Once you're done with the soapy water, repeat the process with the regular water. Don't worry about getting the cat to flip over; cats, like dogs, enjoy getting their belly rubbed.

Granted, it takes much, much longer than a quick dip in a body of water, but the result is a nice, relaxed, purring, clean feline and the saving of quite a large medical bill.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: How to wash your kitty, and survive
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 30 May 2002 17:44:39 +0100

God Rudy <rudy.mail.attic.ccc> writes
>Sounds like the time when the cat came back from the meadows chasing cows. One of the cows just lifted the tail and droped a load on top of the cat.

I have the reverse problem - how to stop cats from dropping their loads on my cows, I mean, garden. Our garden is a magnet for incontinent cats. They come from all corners of the East Midlands to relieve themselves on our vegetable patch. Three types of repellent (including essence of lion poop), lemon juice and latticeworks of bramble stems have been tried, to no avail. Just as salmon are drawn by instinct to return to the river of their birth to spawn, thus are cats compelled to come and crap on our carrot seedlings and nowhere else, whatever obstacles are placed in their way. I've taken to waiting by the back door until I can catch one of them red-handed (or rather, brown-bottomed), and leaping outside yelling "Time I restrung my tennis racket!" If you read about anyone being taken to court by the RSPCA for extreme cruelty in inducing chronic constipation in our feline friends, that'll be me.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*---Maybe I should set up a colony of dung beetles--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: How to wash your kitty, and survive
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 31 May 2002 00:27:17 GMT

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> You will need three items. First, an electrically-controlled water valve of the type used in automatic lawn sprinkler systems. Second, an outdoor lighting fixture of the type that uses a motion sensor to turn on the light. Finally, and most simply, one of those adaptors that provides electrical outlet plugs from a light socket.

Oh goodie - a DIY project that includes water, electricity, and dodgy components. Yee-hah! Get a defib on standby...

(snip)

> Now, any time a cat appears, they're automatically sprayed with water until they depart.

Hate to throw water on your mains, as it were, but one can actually buy something like this from, for instance, smarthome.com and/or homeautomation.com . I'm not suggesting another vendor, whose name starts with X, ends with a number, and invented the new pop-under spam crap windows, because they did that. (if that means nothing to you, nevermind).

> I haven't tried this myself, but I'd love to know if it actually works.

There are folks selling 'em, so it *must* work, right?

Dave "And, as we all know, nobody would sell something that didn't work" Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: How to wash your kitty, and survive
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 14:31:02 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('davehinz.spamcop.net')...done.
>There are folks selling 'em, so it *must* work, right?
>Dave "And, as we all know, nobody would sell something that didn't work" Hinz

I've often wondered how much money I could make, selling gender-benders for power-cables.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: How to wash your kitty, and survive
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 17:12:41 +0100

Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net> writes
>Ken Adams wrote:
>> No, really. Get a length of natural fiber rope slightly longer than the perimeter of your garden and lay it on the ground. Gather all the little boys in the neighbo[u]rhood, and challenge them to see who can wet down the longest section. I'm betting the cats will hate the smell.
>Uh, he already mentioned he'd tried "essence of lion poop". Perhaps you thought he was kidding, but that is actually available to gardeners as vermin repellent. (So is tiger urine, I believe.) So if lion excrement doesn't scare them off, I sincerely doubt that mere human urine will.

I was in fact too delicate to mention it, but Mrs Molerat has in any case already tried that one too. As for other suggestions so kindly forwarded, thanks but you're forgetting I'm a European. I know nothing of these newfangled high-tech concepts of which you speak. Like motion-activated lawn-sprinklers. And electricity.

And I wasn't really on the lookout for proffered solutions. This being rhod, I was just having one of my semi-regular rants, inserted the expression "lion poop" and waited for the inevitable topic drift to whisk us off to the African veldt in about two posts flat. I think the system is broken. This is probably also your fault, Tom.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*-Did I mention the mounds of elephant do-do around the lupins?--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: How to wash your kitty, and survive
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 31 May 2002 18:55:18 GMT

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> said:
> Also Sprach Hetta:
>> Then, I don't know if lemon juice is any good; I hear that lemon peel is not as effective as orange peel. Orange peel has to be periodically renewed. Orange peel, waxy side rubbed on furniture, also discourages cats from scratching.
> Citronella is quite off-putting. Cats dislike it also.

It's true. A number of years ago, my students were doing a lab involving separation of the components of lemon grass oil. Even if everyone was extremely careful (riiiight), the lemon stuff got out a bit, which means that the room and everything that came into it picked up a strong smell of lemon-scented dish soap. And no pussy would come anywhere near me.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are glad he at least smelled like he used soap


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Google Labs.
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 30 May 2002 16:43:37 GMT

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> said:
>> And I'm *still* not fixed. :P
> *snip*

There...you are now...

Dave "Ice is your friend, so I've heard" Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: What did I do?
From: Timothy W Chew <twchew_raspberry..mindsring.com>
Date: Thu, 30 May 2002 07:43:28 -0400

Well, the neighborhood pool opened last weekend. I've been paying the homeowners' dues for the last several months, and I figured, "WTF? I need to get some use out of them.

So, yesterday, I ate a larger lunch than usual, so I wouldn't be hungry when I got home. That evening, I got home went upstairs, fed the cat, spent ten minutes figuring out where I hid my swim trunks (a sure sign of things to come), got changed, and headed out the front door.

First a little background. In college, I would swim regularly, and lifeguarded during the summer. I used to be good shape.

I got to the pool. It's just up the block. Checked in. Watched the little kids on the swim team, and decided it was my turn. Because the swim team was using the lap lanes, I decided to swim just outside them. I stretched, then slipped into the water. I pushed off the wall and started on a nice easy crawl stroke. At one lap, I could feel my lungs burning. At the second lap, I swore I was one more stroke from a heart attack. I decided to switch to a breast stroke. I got through six laps of that. Next up, side stroke (a nice resting stroke). One more lap.

I look up. The life guard is keeping a close eye on me. "Oh, hell," I thought, "I'm 'That Guy'." The one who thinks he's still in the same shape he was in ten years ago, who then has a heart attack and dies in you pool, which just f*cks up the whole rest of your day.

"I'll show him." I start into a backstroke. As I push away from the wall, I wonder who's his friend. There's this large dude next to the life guard dressed in black and holding a scythe... oh.

Last lap.



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