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2002 05 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A link for your clicking enjoyment
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 2 May 2002 12:16:03 +0100

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> writes
>You are what you eat, after all.

Aye, I've met a few cunning linguists in my time.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*-Who was very disappointed to get some spam from "Russian--
--*----*--linguists" which turned out to be a translation service--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A link for your clicking enjoyment
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Thu, 02 May 2002 11:32:24 -0600

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('SaraM')...done.
> >TimC wrote:
> >> Well, as I said, it was a soccer ball. It rebounded a few times within my head, and so kept on hitting muktiple eyes. Don't ask me why my eyes point towards the inside of my head, because the book that explains it all is a bit dark and gooey right now.
> >You've been at the port barrel again haven't you?
> While all of rhod rushes to the port barrel for some alcohol induced levity, I shall stay sitting quietly near the (still almost full!) starboard barrel, heartened by my plenty.

You better start moving that barrel into one of the starboard lifeboats, because when everyone else reaches the port side, the ship's going to list severely enough that water's going to start rushing in.

Fortunately, by then the deck will be so steep that nobody else will make it back over to make you share whatever it is you're getting from the barrel.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Belper: City of Shame
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 02 May 2002 01:38:47 +1000

TimC wrote:
> SaraM wrote:
> > Screwtape wrote:
> >> m_init(): spawning followupTo('TimC')...done.
> >> >I'm on FVWM, and GoodStuff is taking up 99% of the cpu.
> >> You've doing it wrong, then - python2 is taking up 99% of my cpu.
> > Crimson Pimpernel Underwear...?
> >> Screwtape,
> >> ...gotta find a better storage method.
> > Viki's always got space in her drawers...
> Not professing to know too much about womens underwear, aren't drawers a bit old for out beautiful young Viki to be wearing?

Tsk - you rhodents and your one track minds

Even the *furniture's* not safe.


From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>

Screwtape wrote:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('SaraM')...done.
> >Crimson Pimpernel Underwear...?
> Silly. Why would I keep a snake *that* large in my pants?

You've gone completely mad, run off and married Princess Anne and now you're all royal and everything you can afford to employ hand maidens and bottom vipers and so forth?

> >Viki's always got space in her drawers...
> Should I purchase for her additional clothing with which to fill them?

Nah - in rhod the only dressing Viki needs is a light vinaigrette...


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)

m_init(): spawning followupTo('SaraM')...done.
>Viki wrote:
>> At least I *have* drawers, Sara, at least I *have* them....
>And lovely drawers they are 8)
>How do I know this stunning fact?
>You left some in Sid's car...
>
>(no no - put that down Viki - I was *joking*)

Last time he ever helps *her* move house.

Screwtape,
...they drew treacle.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Strange
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.comcast.net>
Date: Tue, 07 May 2002 01:46:55 GMT

"Donald Welsh" <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
> TimC <tconnors.never.answers.his.mail> wrote:
> >Ken Adams (aka Bruce) wrote:
> >> For some reason, I just got a telephone call from some guy babbling French at me. Is it traditional for the frogs to make crank calls on May Day?
> >No, but it is traditional for them to make croak calls.
> I've been getting long-distance calls, but there's no talking, just a sort of trumpeting noise.

You must be getting the elephant calls, then. Make sure you remain polite, or they may decided to drop by instead of calling.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Plot H'ole
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Thu, 02 May 2002 14:53:25 -0600

For reasons well beyond my ken, my local library has recently acquired a large video collection of episodes of the 1960s British TV spy show known as "The Avengers". I'm not sure this is quite what Thomas Jefferson had in mind when he promoted lending libraries, but I suppose that's neither here nor there. Who am I to argue? This is the same library that got me hooked on another 1960s British TV spy show, this one known as "The Prisoner". So I've been watching quite a lot of these avengers lately.

The show, for those who haven't seen it, is a drama featuring two British agents who each week defeat the forces of evil. Patrick Macnee played John Steed for nine years or so in this show. Diana Rigg plays his parter in spydom, Emma Peel.

Leaving aside some obvious unanswered questions like "who do these people work for, anyway?", the most-striking detail of the show is Diana Rigg as Emma Peel. Somebody in this show had a leather fetish, and influenced costume design accordingly. But that's not what I came here today to talk about.

After the eye candy of Mrs. Peel (and just who is Mr. Peel, anyway?) and the goofy cheerfulness of agent Steed, the next thing to catch my attention was the apparent social commentary, intentional or otherwise. A surprising number of episodes are based on the idea of a secret club of insane British men whose activities are causing bizarre deaths. These clubs are usually founded on the idea that modern society has become far too tame, and club members resove to do something about it. A single episode of this type passed without much notice, but it's become a pattern, as though they wrote this class of episodes Mad-Libs style by just filling in a few details about the exact nature of the club and of the strange deaths.

I know that private clubs have long been popular in Britain, but are there really that many consisting of dangerous lunatics bent on world domination? Wait, forget I asked.

One such episode is more memorable than the others due to Peel's appearance in a truly stunning costume. Couple a skimpy, leather, bathing-suit sort of thing with high leather boots and a collar with three-inch spikes, and the result is truly memorable. And I'm not usually even into that sort of thing. But like I said, that's not what I came here to talk about today.

But the most recent one I saw was so far over the top that it can stand as proof of heavy drug use by the writers. Either that, or they were also members of a private loony club, this one determined to change the world through television. I speak of a 1965 episode entitled "Castle De'ath". The apostrophe's theirs, an apparent subtlety.

De'ath, it is explained, is the name of a castle in Scotland. As the title of the episode, it might have seemed a little weak but gone unnoticed. As the location of all of the action in the episode it's more than a little questionable. You'd think that some character with a slim amount of sense might have noticed that this is a pretty unusual name, one that slaps the viewer upside of the head with implications of danger. Not in Avenger-world. Not even Steed, who can usually be relied on to make a relevant wisecrack. To the characters it's a perfectly normal Scottish name of no particular significance, as though half the residents of Glasgow were named De'ath. We meet the Laird of Castle De'ath, his brother, and learn the history of Clan De'ath. The name, by the way, is pronounced "dee-uth", which must be why nobody ever noticed.

But why are Steed and Peel undercover at the castle, anyway? Nobody seems to know, or of they do, they're not saying. Our heroes show up in characteristic undercover roles, but they wait a good 45 minutes or so before giving us any clues. Wait, that's not true, because about 20 minutes into the show Steed comments that it has something to do with the price of fish. What it has to do with the price of fish, or indeed what "it" is, is not revealed. So we're treated to three-quarters of an hour of secret agents investigating something so secret that they can't even tell us about it. The only clues we get are that someone-- he might have been another British agent, but they don't say-- recently died while scuba-diving in the castle's moat. His body somehow ended up four inches taller in death than in life, but aside from his late-in-life growth spurt there doesn't seem to be anything too strange about his death. He might have run out of air, who knows? Plus there's the mystery of the ghost of a previous Laird De'ath who likes to play bagpipes at night.

The show drags on, Mrs. Peel boldly pretending to be a consultant helping to decide how best to open the castle to tourists, and Steed, feigning Scottishness by wearing a kilt and calling himself "MacSteed", pretending to be researching a book about the ghostly dead bagpipe-playing Laird Death. Plus we get details of the tension between the current Laird De'ath, who doesn't want tourists coming in and soiling the carpet, and his brother, who invited in Mrs. Peel and of course has no idea she's secretly investigating something or other.

Fifty or so minutes in we learn what's going on, for all the good it does us. Apparently there's a secret underground submarine base at Castle De'ath! Even though it's nowhere near open water! The moat must be deeper than it looks. And why would someone go to the trouble of putting such a base so far from the sea? Remember what I said about the price of fish? The reason for this base is so that the submarines can be used to scare fish away from the boats trying to catch them. But still-- why? Nobody involved seems to have any interest one way or another in how much fish cost, so we're left to conclude that rich Scotsmen must do this kind of thing for fun. But it's _secret_ fun that they don't want anyone else to know about, because Steed-- err, MacSteed-- is nearly killed for discovering this. They even promote the idea of the bagpipe-playing ghost as part of the secret, playing bagpipes themselves to drown out the noise of a power plant big enough to supply a large city, also secretly hidden beneath the castle.

See? Bagpipes are therefore both louder and more annoying than large power plants. The question of air pollution is left to the reader, but probably depends on what the piper's been eating recently.

But there's another plot twist to come! Recall, it was the current Lair'd brother ("Brother De'ath", maybe) who wants to open the castle to tourism, while the Laird himself wants to keep the peasants at bay. Which one is secretly running the base? Why, the same one who wants thousands of American vacationers tromping through his house every year, of course. Brother De'ath must not have read the evil overlord handbook, because there's got to be a rule about not bringing huge crowds of curious people to the very location at which you commit your evil deeds. Unless he's planning something like Disney's "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" ride, but since he never mentions this, it seems unlikely.

My head spins in recollection of this episode. And it was only the second of six that I have out of the library right now. I shall press on, watching bizarre television so that you don't have to.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Plot H'ole
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 02 May 2002 16:30:06 -0600

Tom Harrington is insane, and this is proof:
>For reasons well beyond my ken, my local library has recently acquired a large video collection of episodes of the 1960s British TV spy show known as "The Avengers".

<snip the summary of the summary>

What you detail, Tom, is par for the course as far as Avengers goes. I note that further on you mention this is only the second episode you've ever watched; the Mystery Channel (available only to suckers in the US who can't say no to cable companies and/or TiVo) has been running the Avengers for months now, and I can't get enough of the insanity. The plots are always questionable, and often times you get to wondering what high-quality slightly-illegal herbs the writers were inhaling, but it's unmitigated bliss for all of that.

Castle De'ath is, as you may have guessed, one of the stranger pieces, giving the impression of one of those writing assignments I was given in college where everyone in class writes a paragraph of a story, reading only the paragraph before. Only a basic premise is needed, much less a plot, and voila! Instant bestseller!

Sad to say, though, Castle De'ath is *not* the strangest of the lot. But I'll leave you to explore the episodes on your own, and fantasize about the not-quite-dead Mrs Peel. By the way: don't watch the ones without Mrs Peel (Diana Rigg as, that is); the writers, apparently missing her vibrant beauty in their mind's eye, couldn't come up with decent storylines without involving her in some way. And it's not like it's a continuous story, anyway, so you're not missing anything.

The movie was interesting. Not as many herbs in the writer's office, though, so not quite the same touch. This is what happens when people initiate wars on drugs; we lose the Samuel Coleridges of the world.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - many people have often said I'd be better off stoned. Of course, they could have meant that in the Biblical sense ...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Plot H'ole
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 08 May 2002 23:32:26 -0400

Comrade Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote ...
> >Viki is insane, and this is proof:
> >>"Matthew Davey" <matthewdavey.nospam.spinpoetry.com> wrote
> >>> Still, mustn't leave a box idle must we?
> >>That's what I always say.
> >That's "a box," not "boxers."
> >Though if you recognized that, you must be really entertaining in warehouses.
> Erm, if Viki was referring to Matt's use of the word "box" in the Strine (and possibly other dialectual) vernacular, then that was about a triple "whoosh" - while Ian, Donald, the Tims and I [1] are sitting still, gobsmacked.

The same usage exists in Canadian, and apparently, in Dutch.

A few months ago, our research group hosted a pair of lovely Dutch exchange students. Shortly before their return to the dy^Hiked lands, we all gathered in one of the local hot chocolate emporiums for a send-off bash. One of them had just got some pictures developed of their stay and one of the field expotitions. The place that developed them, being one of the classier photo-mats, put the developed pictures in a small box rather than the traditional envelope, which I admit impressed me far more than it should have. While some of my other colleagues examined the photos, I had a look at the container (simple things amuse me, hence my devotion to Usenet) and found that the residual trace of developer had left a faint, almost flowery odour in the box. I commented on such, and passed the box to other colleagues for their examination.

At which point, one of the Dutch students exclaimed in exasperation, "Why is everyone sticking their nose in my box?!"

I was fine after a glass of water and a lie down.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Plot H'ole
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Wed, 15 May 2002 09:09:26 -0500

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
} dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies pound their meat

Thanks, YFF. Now I won't be able to walk the rest of the day with my legs crossed and hunched forward like this.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Plot H'ole
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Wed, 15 May 2002 21:11:39 +1000

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>; I know the feeling well. Happened to me when a few of my more nubile staff decided to use my office (with me in it) to discuss the many various slang synonyms for "phaavyvathf". <cunnilingus>
>I think I remember you talking about that at the time. You learned some new terms, too, didn't you?

New terms, new techniques, new "signposts" to watch for, new depths of embarrassment in front of young adults, you name it...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Netscape/Linux
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 6 May 2002 04:43:43 GMT

TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> said:
> Ian Davis wrote:
>> TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> wrote:
>>> Oooh, Look! Shiny New Thing! -- me
>> But that's obviously a good thing in your line of work, isn't it?
> Apparently, the models predict too many Shiny New Things, so we need to get rid of some. Who's for blowing up the Galaxy?

Aw crap...and to think I just put the last of my Eludium Q-36 on the earpiece of my boss's phone...

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies call dibs on his color printer


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Netscape/Linux
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Mon, 13 May 2002 16:23:58 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>If you're lucky, you can still be in time to be achieve immortality through being flamed by Uncle Ian.

It'd be better still to achieve immortality by not dying.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: CNN are idiots
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 3 May 2002 18:32:14 GMT

Lord Insidious, World Dominator <calieber.bigfoot.com> said:
> Shocking revelations from their piece yesterday (5/2) on Internet porn:
> *If there's a computer in your home, your children have access to pornography, even if you don't have children.

...any more because you couldn't afford to feed them after you got fired for spending your whole work-day downloading porn.

> *Innocent children get filthy e-mails such as alt.sex.girls and alt.sex.homosexuality

Well then I guess they're not so innocent any more, are they?

> *Googling on "barenaked ladies" will lead you to dirty pictures -- a problem I never seem to have Googling on "pylon" or "mink lungs."

"I noticed that she still had one orifice available, so I told another guy to pylon."

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will leave it to someone else to Mornington-Crescent us from "mink lungs" to pr0n


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: CNN are idiots
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 03 May 2002 13:57:24 -0600

Lord Insidious, World Dominator wrote:
>Shocking revelations from their piece

Notice: THEIR piece. Not me. THEIR piece. I'm only *a* piece of the universe, number 00015684816268462234981263-B at that. That means there are, at the very least, 999 hextillion other pieces out there, and I'm certainly not responsible for what they do.

>yesterday (5/2) on Internet porn:
>*If there's a computer in your home, your children have access to pornography,

Also if you have stacks of magazines under your bed, or perhaps a corner market or bookstore anywhere nearby. Or a Media Play. Or ...

>even if you don't have children.

That's a neat trick. What do you call those? Possible children? Theoretical children?

Well, in that case, I'm having wild theoretical sex with a purely hypothetical ideal woman. Whoops, slipped on a speculative air pocket, stabbed myself with a possible pen, and now I'm theoretically dead.

Damn. Now I can't even get laid in theory!

Well, I *could*, but not so I'd enjoy it.

>*Innocent children get filthy e-mails such as alt.sex.girls and alt.sex.homosexuality

Those aren't e-mails; those are usenet groups. Granted, you can access them through, say, Agent or Outlook, but only a complete mind-boggingly idiotic fool would think ...

Never mind. Luser see, luser attempt to think, luser cry.

>*Googling on "barenaked ladies" will lead you to dirty pictures

Actually, no.

Google has a built-in block for porn sites, mostly because they misuse their meta tags. You google for "barenaked ladies," and you're more likely to get the same picture of the band over and over again: http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&safe=off&q=barenaked+ladies See?

Now you go over to, say, Excite or any one of the half-dozen porn search engines (yes, there are such things), and that's a different matter entirely. Of course, if you've reached such a search engine, chances are you were *looking* for it, so an "innocent" child is never really in much danger.

>-- a problem I never seem to have Googling on "pylon" or "mink lungs."

Some of the few words porn sites never seem to have in their vast meta tags.

E-mail your porn supplier NOW and tell them you want more references to mink lungs and pylons! If enough of us do that, we can screw up porn for the next decade!

--
pieceoftheuniverse - [opening Playboy in 2007: "Ooh, baby, bare your pylons to me ..."]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: CNN are idiots
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Fri, 03 May 2002 16:25:05 -0500

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse - I know this because I know everything. Or rather, I know this guy who knows this woman, and *she* knows everything.

I think *most* guys know that woman.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Parlous State of the Nation
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 4 May 2002 12:47:36 +0100

The year is 1984. We are taking young Frances, aged 3, on her first visit to Walt Disney World, Florida. On emerging from the Pirates of the Caribbean (you know, the ones who eat the tourists when they malfunction), I suggest we pose for one of those photos dressed as pirates, as I know how much Frances likes to dress up (she has a box full of old clothes, scarves and bits of material at home which she uses to devise exotic costumes for herself). So this is what we do.

Frances has recently stubbed her big toe, and has an impressive black toenail. The photographer is so impressed with this authentic detail that she makes Frances sit on top of a treasure chest at the front, barefoot, legs crossed with black toenail uppermost. The photographer then retreats behind her camera, gets ready and tells people to smile. We smile, Frances smiles, and her legs shoot apart. (No snickering at the back, please, this is a serious story.)

The photographer comes out and recrosses Frances's legs, black toenail uppermost, retreats behind her camera again and tells us to smile. Frances's legs shoot apart again. Repeat as often as necessary. On our sideboard there now stands a framed photo of 3 pirates, two large ones smiling and one little one looking deadly serious, legs crosses, black toenail uppermost.

Fast forward 18 years. It's 3 years into her mental health nursing degree course, and Frances's tutor thinks it's time she gained some management experience. So on her next placement she will be put in charge of a ward for a while.

Now I ask you, is it any wonder the National Health Service is in the state it is, when the psycho wards are being run by young girls who can't even smile and cross their legs at the same time? (Dammit, I said stop snickering at the back!)

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--I bet Dubya can fart and chew gum at the same time, and avails---
--himself of every possible opportunity to demonstrate his skill---


From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>

So would you happen to have any recent pictures of her where she's...um...happy?


From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>

Nurse's uniform and everything, eh? You should be so lucky.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-I do have a GIF of Princess Leia doing That Look--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*--*--(position of legs isn't shown)-*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wa Hey!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 6 May 2002 22:48:04 GMT

Timothy W Chew <twchew_raspberry.mindsring.com> said:
> Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>>Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>; > JIM, heck, RHOD can't even agree what "hockey" *is*
>>; It's kind like a tag-team brawl on ice, with the exception that every once in a while someone uses his stick to hit a puck instead of an opposing player.
>>Last week I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
> I've seen two hockey games so far. As near as I can tell, the players go up and down the ice, and at random times the refs call either "icing" or "off sides", and they all take a short break.

Even the best boxing matches are occasionally interrupted by the ref when they reach an intractible position or are otherwise not fighting according to the rules of the game.

> I'm still confused, isn't it all icing, and I will swear, the puck didn't go off the side of anything.

Not the puck, silly...the players. The arena is too big to allow them to run around and fight wherever and whenever they want...that's why there are lines dividing the ice into zones. In this manner, combatants are required to remain in general the vicinity of the current fight. "Off-sides" occurs when a player not involved in the current fight leaves the zone where the current fight (as determined by the location of the puck) is taking place. Whether he has done so in order to draw the fight to his new location or has had a limb "skated off" and is merely trying to retrieve it is irrelevant. This pansy behavior is anathema to the sport, so fighting stops and the combatants are brought together again.

HTH,

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies could've sworn the ref was pregnant


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wa Hey!
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 10 May 2002 00:33:21 -0400

Comrade LostJonny wrote:
> The first Ice Hockey (for you purists) game I ever went to was in Portland, between Maine Mariners and the Rochester Redwings. I knew it was a real hockey game when the first fighting penalties were handed out 10 seconds (yes, "seconds") into the contest.

Gadzooks, what happened, were they already fighting when they came on the ice?

JIM, now that's hockey, by gum!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wa Hey!
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 8 May 2002 15:46:47 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Donald Welsh wrote:
> ; The first rule of Hockey is, you don't talk about the game.
> The second rule of Hockey is, YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT HOCKEY!

Are you trying to start a fight? I've got a club...I'm warning you.

Dave "Sometimes, a preview has the exact opposite effect as intended" Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wa Hey!
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Tue, 07 May 2002 15:59:54 -0600

Jim Evans reportedly said this:
> JIM, heck, RHOD can't even agree what "hockey" *is*

And I've found the reason! The Oracle has never been asked this somewhat simple question. Or, at least, the answer hasn't been digested, which is near enough to make no difference.

So I decided to settle this once and for all, with this query:

> Oracle most high, whose stick is ... well, let's not go there, and get straight to the point. Orrie, what is hockey?

The Oracle came back a few minutes later with:

} A game, dum-dum.

Actually, "dum-dum" wasn't the exact phrasing, but there might be kids present.

So I sent it off again, in hopes of a somewhat more inspired answer. I mean, we *know* it's a game. Right? Right?

Hello?

Right. This time, though, I figured a little rephrasing might be in order:

> According to recently undivulged sources, rec.humor.oracle.d cannot agree on what hockey is. Mr Oracle, do you have a comment?

To which he wittily responded:

} Rhod is full of morons, idiots, dweebs, ...

Well, he went on this tangent for a while (I think he's a little upset about the seventeen pounds of pre-processed ham I sent him as tribute last week -- I *told* UPS to ship it overnight, but apparently they waited two weeks, and, well, I suppose I could have sealed it better), but eventually he came down to basics:

} ... like any sport, it involves running around, grunting, with the occasional scream and hit to the face with any ready implement. Scoring is, naturally, incidental, unless it happens to be with a fan of a gender matching your sexual preference.

He left it at that, apparently not wanting to risk a repeat of the spam incident.

Figuring that maybe he's a little off his game this time around, and that the third time's the charm, I decided to give it one more go:

> Great and powerful Oracle, whose wisdom knows no bounds, whose athletic ability is surpassed only by your own versimilitude, and who can dissolve arguments with but a wave of your hand:
> Hockey means different things to different people. To some, it's the end-all-be-all of existence. To others, it's just a sport. To even more others, it's not really hockey if it's not played on something called "grass." To still more others ... well, you get the idea.
> But I have a theory that world peace can only be achieved if everyone can just agree on the most simple of things. Since you are the most intelligent being I know, I would like to offer up this question up to you:
>
> What is hockey?

However, I think he recognized me.

} I said it was a game, dum-dum. Do I have to come over there and beat you in the head for queue spamming?
} You owe the Oracle to never, ever ask this question again.

Hmm.

So, anyway, I've taken to hiding in this bunker I've dug (in record time, no doubt), which is insulated with rubber, concrete, and several other building implements which are guaranteed to survive anything up to a ground-zero nuclear blast. In my haste, however, I neglected to add air vents, and my building specs must not be up to code, because half the walls collapsed around the door. The only light I have is from the computer monitor, but that's begun to smoke because, well, I'm not an electrician, and besides that I'm pretty sure the power company frowns on tapping directly into the grid. That and the lack of ventilation is making it quite stuffy in here, and I can barely conjure up enough energy to type, much less move all the concrete out of the way of the doorape4ityaq9w84ty09q834thvnqu045y13uq^^^^NO CARRIER


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Z-Boy Is not yet Dead
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 5 May 2002 18:25:21 +0100

Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> writes
>>> My name is Heather and I am the marketing director of Web Submission Services... Our packages are as low as $9.95... The reason why I am contacting you is because I did some research and found http://www.molerat.demon.co.uk/zadoc.htm in Lycos on page 74 for the search term "medieval wedding dress pattern".
>Heather e-mailed me, too, but she said she wanted me to watch her doing something naughty with her twin sister.

To slightly paraphrase Clive Anderson: Is there no beginning to this girl's talents?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----The Great Neckless One originally asked--
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---the question of Geoffrey Archer--*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Z-Boy Is not yet Dead
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Wed, 08 May 2002 04:46:39 GMT

TechnoAtheist wrote:
> A group of monkeys with a lisp claiming to be TimC wrote:
>>pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>>>TimC wrote:
>>>>Oh, shuddup. It's been a while since I have done C. I use much more sane languages now, such as emacs.
>>>Emacs is a programming language? That can't be right ...
>>>--
>>>pieceoftheuniverse - it's a religion.
>>That's the point, emacs is EVERYTHING.
> Except a suitable replacement for vi.

It's like when you're Down South, and you go into a restaurant. You ask them if they have grits, then you ask them if they can substitute hash browns. emacs is just like grits.

>>And my penguin just jumped off my monitor onto my lap. He knows what is best. Now if only I could get women to do that....
> You want a woman to fall from a distance considerably greater than her own height and land head first into your lap?

Although, to be fair, he didn't say which way up the penguin landed.

> Wouldn't it be easier to just ask her to sit there?

"Excuse me, why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about whatever comes up."

> And significantly less painful for all parties? or am I just missing out on something?

If you're going to ask a woman if she'll sit on your lap, you might as well just ask for sex straight up (or even lying down). If she finds you attractive enough to go for one, she'll go for the other.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Z-Boy Is not yet Dead
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 09 May 2002 07:07:30 +1000

David Robley <robleyd.paradise.net.nz> wrote:
> David Robley
> Temporary Kiwi!

BANG! BANG!

It's OK, everybody, I got him. No need to panic. I'm getting our money back from the exterminators, though.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A milestone, of sorts...
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 8 May 2002 21:34:49 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
>> --*----*---*---*-Working for the NHS 5 days now, and duly boggled--
> How many people work there?

About a third of 'em, I'd reckon...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A milestone, of sorts...
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 9 May 2002 16:59:41 +0100

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> writes
>> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
>> --*----*---*---*-Working for the NHS 5 days now, and duly boggled--
>How many people work there?

What, you mean as in seriously, not as a feeder line for the obvious gag which, this being rhod, has already long since been taken care of? I dunno, about 1M, I think. I could look this up, but since looking things up is part of my daytime job already, I kind of resent having to do it in my spare time, so I generally make up any facts I pass on free of charge.

A lot, anyway. Most of them female. Plus the extra xx,000 that nice Mr Gordon Brown is giving us all that taxpayers' money for. Plus me and young Miss Molerat, as indicated elsewhere. You couldn't be in better hands. Or legs, whatever.

(Note: Not that I expect young Miss Molerat to be here long. On the first day of her first student placement she blew the whistle on a member of staff she decided was behaving cruelly. I'm betting she won't last 3 months in full-time work before she has to emigrate to Australia. All NHS whistle-blowers emigrate to Australia, it's sort of a tradition, as with convicts. Your hospitals must be interesting places to be in, choc-a-bloc as they are with poms blowing the whistle on each other.)

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*--And after you get chucked out of Oz--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*--I suppose there's still New Zealand--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A milestone, of sorts...
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 9 May 2002 20:42:36 GMT

Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> said:
> Richard Wilson wrote:
>> Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> writes
>>>How many people work there?
>> A lot, anyway. Most of them female. Plus the extra xx,000 that nice Mr Gordon Brown is giving us all that taxpayers' money for. Plus me and young Miss Molerat, as indicated elsewhere. You couldn't be in better hands. Or legs, whatever.
> Note to self: If I want to be hospitalized for a while, do it in England. Apparently, some therapy involves women and legs.

"So then why is that guy masturbating?"
"HMO."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A milestone, of sorts...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 10 May 2002 12:57:48 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('davehinz.spamcop.net')...done.
>Dave "Trying to come up with a humorous 'squid' reference and failing' Hinz

"Electric squids don't get herpes"?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A milestone, of sorts...
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.spamcop.net>
Date: Fri, 10 May 2002 21:06:27 -0400

<davehinz.spamcop.net> wrote:
> TimC wrote:
> > davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> >> Webserver accelerator. Basically "OK, look dammit, I've served reddot.gif 18,427 times today, it hasn't changed, here *you* do it."
> > I know! If reddot.gif contains what I think it contains, you could just remove it, and replace it with a <font color=red>.</font> or something in equally valid html.
> Heh. If it was my content, I'd do that in a heartbeat. Or just use a dash - it's just there as a bulletpoint. But, it's not, and we have web designers that make the site look like our customers expect a site of our nature to look, so I work with what I'm asked to serve.
> I'm building a box today as proof-of-concept, and we'll see how it goes from there. Now, if only I could find a vast repository of image data I could use for a test set...

Try news:alt.binaries.nospam.hamster.duct-tape, they have lots of images you can use.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: áÎÅËÄÏÔÙ ÐÒÏ òÖÅ×ÓËÏÇÏ
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 8 May 2002 17:15:02 +0100

Natalia Buldakova <buldnm.rambler.ru> writes
>ëÔÏ ÅÝ£ ÎÅ ÂÙÌ ÎÁ aneksite.by.ru? äÏÂÁ×ÌÅÎÙ ÁÎÅËÄÏÔÙ ÐÒÏ òÖÅ×ÓËÏÇÏ.

No, no, Natalia, put some knickers on before zipping up those designer jeans I brought you.

>ïÂÏÒÖ£ÔÅÓØ!!!

Wow, I thought that only happened to men.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--Next time I'll play safe and just get her a Barenaked Ladies CD--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who's Who & D. E. Mack's
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 08 May 2002 22:57:48 -0400

Comrade Matthew Davey wrote:
> Does anyone maintain / update the RHOD who's who anymore?

Ah, well, technically it's under my care, but I haven't done anything to it in a coon's age. I'm actually a little scared to go look at it... You know, like when you haven't cleaned the fridge out in a year.

So, I suppose the answer to you question is "no".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who's Who & D. E. Mack's
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 9 May 2002 20:43:46 +1000

m_init(): spawning followupTo('TimC')...done.
>~Steve-o wrote:
>> Jim Evans wrote:
>>> I'm actually a little scared to go look at it... You know, like when you haven't cleaned the fridge out in a year.
>> That sums up RHOD so nicely, it should be in the brochures.
>We have brochures?! Is it in the same place as the FAQ?

Let me put it this way... a few years ago we had a spammer come in and tell us all about a wonderful deal we could get if we wanted any brochures printed about $TOPIC_AREA - you know how those form-letters go. So we told him where he could put his brochures, and for all I know they're still there.

With any luck, the unprintables are now unmentionable.

Screwtape,
...who was reading in his copy of The Word Museum that "inexpressibles" used to mean trousers. I mean, I've seen some pretty wild pants in my time, but *inexpressibles*? They must have been *wonderful*!


From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
>With any luck, the unprintables are now unmentionable.

Also unreadable. It's *dark* in there.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who's Who & D. E. Mack's
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 09 May 2002 13:38:51 -0600

Screwtape reportedly said this:
>m_init(): spawning followupTo('pieceoftheuniverse')...done.
>>TimC reportedly said this:
>>>We have brochures?! Is it in the same place as the FAQ?
>>I was thinking, the other day, that it would be nice if rhod had a FAQ. Not like the FAQ that's in BoRhod, of course, but something that was actually helpful, that would help a newbie out with a couple of the more common in-jokes and regulars, along with what topics not to bring up unless you feel like being flamed.
>So.. what *do* you have to say to get flamed 'round here?

I'm not going to answer that. Mainly because I've been caught by a troll or two that's made its way into this froup. Sure, we all had fun with them, but still. And you notice how we all stay nicely away from religion (well, except for the occasional war over emacs vs vi, but that's to be expected).

>>Then the FAQ would hand the newbie a sprig of oregano (just to save us work on our end) and point him/her in our general direction.
>Or the direction of our designated cooking receptacle.

"We have a butter-filled hot tub" would be a good response. Now I just need to come up with a question ...

>>Then I got over it.
>>But *damn*, it was tempting, just to eliminate one of the TOIJ. Then "where's the FAQ" might actually have an -answer- ...
>You say that like TOIJs are a bad thing...

Not necessarily bad things, but TOIJs should be retired every once in a while to make room for the new ones. We already have:

Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish
The RHOD FAQ
Nude beaches
Coolers
Piercings
The URL
Ghoti (though, admittedly, this one isn't just ours)
Lisa
Og
Thag
Zadoc
Anti-Oracle
Oracular Temple
Soy Sauce
Joel Furr
Delphic Research, Inc
Steve Irwin (he has a movie coming out soon, y'know)
Zot Staff
<word>'er? I don't even know'er!
Shirley
TINSL/TINSD
Oregano
Priests and sheep
Priests vs sheep
Priests, sheep, and two smoking barrels
Priests, sheep, two smoking barrels, and a pizza place
Priests and the Sharp Implements of Doom
Oracular Digests
...

... and that's not even half the list.

Granted, some TOIJs retire by themselves as folks leave/unsubscribe, and new ones are all too eager to jump in to take their place. But only by making some of the TOIJs into RTOIJs do we force new material into rhod, thus revolutionizing --

-- hey, what are you doing? I was just --


~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'M FINE NOW. THERE WILL BE NO RHOD FAQ; RHOD IS PERFECT THE WAY IT IS. PRIESTS ARE WONDERFUL. THE ORACLE IS WONDERFUL. THE DIGESTS ARE WONDERFUL. ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO ADMINIST^WTAKE MY DRUGS NOW.

--
ORACULAR^WPIECEOFTHEUNIVERSE - WHEEEE!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who's Who & D. E. Mack's
From: Timothy W Chew <twchew_raspberry..mindsring.com>
Date: Fri, 10 May 2002 07:28:02 -0400

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>m_init(): spawning followupTo('Ian Davis')...done.
>> st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>>> So.. what *do* you have to say to get flamed 'round here?
>>That is exactly the kind of moronic question I've come to expect from you.
>We aim to please.
>Screwtape,
>...not quite getting the hang of this "flaming" business.

Oh yeah? Well, you're just a mean meany who's mean... and dumb!

Boy, it's harder than it looks.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who's Who & D. E. Mack's
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 10 May 2002 06:30:02 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>m_init(): spawning followupTo('pieceoftheuniverse')...done.
>>TimC reportedly said this:
>>>We have brochures?! Is it in the same place as the FAQ?

The FAQ, of course, is at The URL.

>>I was thinking, the other day, that it would be nice if rhod had a FAQ. Not like the FAQ that's in BoRhod, of course, but something that was actually helpful, that would help a newbie out with a couple of the more common in-jokes and regulars, along with what topics not to bring up unless you feel like being flamed.
>So.. what *do* you have to say to get flamed 'round here?

First, point out to the shiftless artiste clan of incarnations that there are no oracularities with the words "pancreas" and "laundromat".

Second, summon SWSNBN *and* J**l F*rr.

Third, infect everyone with an earworm worse than "It's a Small World".

Last, open portals to froups harboring the alt.sytax.tactical tribe.

Note that I didn't say this would be a /good/ idea.

-- D. "*frink*" W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: URL, and it's cool...
From: Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com>
Date: Tue, 14 May 2002 14:38:35 -0500

David Winsemius wrote:
<Snip>
> David "wots a Rhodite?" Winsemius

(I thought he'd never ask!) Whoo Hooo Hooo HOOOO!

The wonderful thing about RHODites is,
RHODites are wonderful things.
Their thoughts are made out of rubber,
Their bottoms, oregano sprigs.

They're clickety, clackity, bickery, zappity,
Full of fun, fun, FUN

But the most wonderful thing about RHODites is,
I'm not the only one! (I'm not the only ONE!)

Whoo Hooo Hooo HOOOO!
TTFN (Ta Ta For now)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: URL, and it's cool...
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 15 May 2002 17:25:28 +0100

Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> writes
>But the most wonderful thing about RHODites is,
>I'm not the only one! (I'm not the only ONE!)

Unless you're DMP, in which case you are.

This thread is now merged with the TOIJ one over there--->

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----Who's only Hook if everyone else is too--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1261
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 15 May 2002 06:20:42 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> said:
> Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
>>oracle-request.cs.indiana.edu wrote:
>>> 1256 53 votes 48ej8 di994 cal46 3bmc5 2ejc6 4dek2 5did4 24li8 1elg1
>>IJWTSTA.
> Have we seen 7ate9?

What's the chance it'll ever be "funny"?

I'm guessing it'd be impossible to have a DRI-esque organized effort to arrange a vote-result that spells out a sentence, considering the long time window. And also that the char-sum/quintabyte is a constant. Kinda like a magic square. Only not a square.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wish he'd spend less time playing with his magic wand, too


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Back from Phoenix
From: Kitsune Nine Tail <kitsune9tl.hotmail.com>
Date: Sun, 12 May 2002 17:42:54 -0700

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Kitsune Nine Tail <kitsune9tl.hotmail.com> said:
>> Fierce Cookie wrote:
>>> I also visited the Grand Canyon, and boy do they have a serious erosion problem there. The government needs to step in and do something before that river digs its way clear to China.
> Ann. Improv. Res. 1997, v3(4)
> "The Grand Canyon -- Further Final Report and User's Guide," by Earle Spamer. The author continues his work to preserve the Grand Canyon by filling it with styrofoam packing piffles. He also explains why people should help preserve the canyon by staying away from it.
>> The Arizona State Waste Disposal Commision wants to turn it into a land fill project. However EPU insists that the Grand Canyon is an Ecological Preserve, and the Federal Parks Commision Charges a $5000/Cubic foot for littering in a National Park/Nature preserve.
> So every time someone spills a pint on the mounted deer-head in my corner bar, the feds come by to collect $83.55? And here I was thinking the alkeehol helped to further preserve the nature...

  1. I believe that they only charge for non-biodegradible solid waste.
  2. If Mr. Ranger catches you in the act there is a $250 minimum fine for not policing your empties. (at a average of $260/pint you learn Quickly to police your "Brass", or at least learn to keep an Eye out for Mr. Ranger.
  3. As an added incentive Fines and Fees collected go toward paying salaries and administration costs of the Department.

And if you think about it in a loose sense, Alcohol does end up preserving nature.

The Big thing is to prevent your National Parks from becoming "Denatured".



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