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2002 11 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: This message...
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sun, 17 Nov 2002 01:16:29 GMT

Phil Smith <pas51.NOSPAMcam.ac.uk> wrote:
> Carl Englund wrote:
>> ...does not exist. So ignore it.
>This is not a reply. So don't read it.

Poster is away. Please leave a message.

*BEEP*


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: This message...
From: Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org>
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 2002 22:35:07 -0500

Phil Smith wrote:
; Daniel E. Macks wrote:
; > davehinz.spamcop.net <davehinz.spamcop.net> said:
; > > Andrew Comeau wrote:
; > >> "Phil Smith" <pas51.NOSPAMcam.ac.uk> wrote:
; > >>> Carl Englund wrote:
; > >>> > ...does not exist. So ignore it.
; > >>> This is not a reply. So don't read it.
; > >> This is not the start of a cascade, so don't continue it.
; > > This isn't a pissy reminder of the dozens of newsgroups like alt.test, so there.
; > These are not the droids you're looking for, so go about your business.
; > dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies understand this thread not
; This is not a thread.

This is not a thread on drugs.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: this time last week
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 25 Nov 2002 22:31:32 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> said:
> Samuel Checker wrote:
> ; previously in this thread, up there ^) had left a message on my answering machine informing me that her 5 year-old son had told her about a funny TV show with a penguin that blew up.
> Damn, that Microsoft!

Sorry...that was my fault. I guess I shouldn't have scheduled the Microsoft skeet-shooting competition to coincide with the Tuxracer championship.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: this time last week
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 27 Nov 2002 22:43:07 GMT

Kegs <hotmail.jameskeasley.com> said:
> Phil Smith wrote:
>> Kegs <hotmail.jameskeasley.com> wrote in rec.humor.oracle.d:
>>> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>> >> ; and so a new generation picks up the torch...
>>> >> ... and douses it in the lake.
>>> > And boy is the Lady of the Lake steamed...
>>> > dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies get women hot and wet
>>> What, you mean they run a unisex sauna establishment?
>> I think the fish just throw hot coffee at the women.
> Why would they want to waste good coffee like that?

Maybe they use Starbucks instead.

> Though I suppose a slap in the face is better than nothing, eh Dan?

Mental note: No good pick-up line begins "cream in your coffee?".

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like it when their head starts to feel all warm and tingly


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That's Appropriate
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 2002 12:53:17 +1100

"Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
> Viki, looking for Buddha as we speak

I do like a little bit of Buddha for my bread.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That's Appropriate
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 16 Nov 2002 06:11:13 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote
>>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>; Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti now knows, when tucked up warm in bed in a Canadian prairie winter, *not* to let one's cold-weather-savvy partner volunteer to get up to shovel snow, plug in the car etc and then come back to bed.
>>If it wasn't for that week I spent in Montreal in mid January a few years ago, that bit about plugging in the car would have made no sense to me.
> Same here - and that included the snow-shovelling, too.

So, you and Jeffrey spent a week together in Montreal in January a few years ago, and apparently Jeffrey was the one who had to go out and shovel.

However, telling everyone about plugging in the car was TMI, IMHO.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am eating
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 2002 10:49:22 +1100

Screwtape wrote ...
>...mmm, Ginger Nut Biscuits.

Heh - a many-years-ago gf became overly "relaxed" in my mother's presence one day. The topic of the un-reddening of my hair came up:

Mum: He was quite a blood-nut, but went auburn at puberty.

Me: Now it's just slightly rusty...

G/f: ...Yeah! He's got rusty nuts, but we're keeping the bolt clean and shiny!

Mum: That's good, dear.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am eating
From: Sniffnoy the Swordfish <sniffnoy.optonline.net>
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 2002 00:10:15 GMT

Screwtape wrote:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('Phil Smith')...done.
>> Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies bid $1
>>I'll see your $1 and raise you $1.01.
> I'll see your minimal increment and raise you maximal excrement.

I'll see your diarrhea and... ew, wait, I don't want to see that...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am eating
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 20 Nov 2002 03:42:28 GMT

davehinz.spamcop.net <davehinz.spamcop.net> said:
> Lane Gray, Czar Castic <bdbdbdbuck.aol.com> wrote:
>> davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>>> Well, he's quite proficient at brewing his own special blend of, er, aromatic compounds, IYKWIM,AITYD... he's actually quite proud of his abilities in that regard. Twisted fellow, he is.
>> Have you gotten him to try Beano?
> Well, no, he's rather proud of his accomplishments, so I don't think he'd be interested. The only effective countermeasures, we've found, is to fight fire with fire, so to speak.

/me scratches head

So does this mean you are responding with the same action, or are you just lighting his farts?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies do a hand-stand and roast their own s'mores


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am eating
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.comcast.net>
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2002 20:09:10 -0500

"Brantley Hudson" <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> wrote:
> > Dave "Foxpro. Yikes." Hinz
> It could be worse. It could be "Clipper".
> Or is that too far back for folks?

Nothing is too far back for rhod. There are probably a few old threetran programmers around here somewhere.


From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>

> Nothing is too far back for rhod. There are probably a few old threetran programmers around here somewhere.

Monobol anyone?


From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>

Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net> wrote:
> Donald Welsh wrote:
> > Phil Smith <pas51.NOSPAMcam.ac.uk> wrote:
> > > Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> > >> > Monobol anyone?
> > >> Firsth.
> > >C-=5
> > PL/0
> A

I heard about that one, but I was too busy working on INTERCAL projects to take an interest.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: "Teh (tî'pô)" <teh.mindless.com>
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 2002 10:45:07 +0200

Hetta wrote:
>"Teh (tî'pô)" <teh.mindless.com> wrote:
>> What can *you* say about chocolate covered manhole covers?
>They're sweet.

That's what you think no, wait till you lick your way through them, you reach the man-hole.

--
Teh same colour, but a different taste.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2002 13:50:12 +1100

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
> Hmmm, something's wrong here.

In a strange quirk of quantum physics, the words spoken by Al's mother's obstetrician find themselves posted to Usenet in 2003.


From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> wrote:
> Ian Davis wrote:
> ; In a strange quirk of quantum physics, the words spoken by Al's mother's obstetrician find themselves posted to Usenet in 2003.
> Your calendar is fast by at least a month and a half.

No, it's just that Oz is on a different time zone than North Merka, so it's already 2003 there.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Boys are back in town
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.comcast.net>
Date: Sat, 16 Nov 2002 21:33:30 -0500

"Sid" <sid.nospam.net> wrote:
> "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
> >: Yeah, so I am back.
> >: Sid, miss me?
> >I did! I did!
> >/me hops up and down cheerfully
> /me is not sure what the appropriate response for hopping up and down is.

I'd suggest you stare appreciatively at the bouncy bits, and try not to drool.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1289
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 2002 09:32:06 -0700

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> said:
> > In our coffee room, you need tinfoil hats. The electrical/networking cupboard next door humms. Loudly. Disturbingly loudly.
> /me ponders wiring the whole room as in inductive furnace?
> Interesting feedback loop...the more paranoid you were, the more foil you'd use; you'd feel a greater effect, thus making you more paranoid.
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies really are out to get you

I've decided that Borders bookstore is out to get me.

The local Borders is a two-story place, and most of the books I'd be interested are near the middle of the top floor. This is where the torture begins. The entire area is suffused with some kind of low-frequency rumbling noise that severely messes with my inner ear. After just five minutes or so I start to feel sick and dizzy and have trouble keeping my balance. And the effect persists; if I leave the area, the symptoms stick around, sometimes for hours, usually with the addition of the feeling that the floor's wobbling under me...

Given the crowds at this place, I can only assume that most people aren't affected. I'm not generally prone to this kind of thing, though, so I don't think it's just me.

Erm, wibble?


From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>

word broken wrote:
> Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
>>I've decided that Borders bookstore is out to get me.
> The muzak is out of phase. Most people won't even notice. Some people will pass out, others will feel sick.

But if you don't try to figure out what the song is, you'll be okay.


From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>

Tom Harrington wrote:
>>But if you don't try to figure out what the song is, you'll be okay.
> I haven't noticed any Muzak. It must be the subliminal messages they're piping in. But for some reason the messages seem to be saying "You are going to vomit!", which seems like it would hurt sales.

It's the "You break it, you bought it" principle. With a standard trajectory and dispersal, you're looking at upwards of $500 worth, easy. And if you're in the hardcover section...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1289
From: "Teh (tî'pô)" <teh.mindless.com>
Date: Tue, 19 Nov 2002 13:15:13 +0200

Hetta wrote:
>That's about the right term, yes. A very successful troll, he knows which buttons to push in order to get responses.

Big deal, even I know that! They're called "Reply" and "Send".

--
Now if only Teh female anatomy was similarly marked...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1289
From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2002 09:16:31 -0700

Phil Smith wrote:
>Today TimC wrote in rec.humor.oracle.d:
>> Phil Smith wrote:
>> > Today Teh (tî'pô) <teh.mindless.com> wrote in rec.humor.oracle.d:
>> >> Big deal, even I know that! They're called "Reply" and "Send". Now if only Teh female anatomy was similarly marked...
>> > Well, the GUI looks nice...
>> It's got a very purty interface, doesn't it?
>I decompiled the .class file, and it looks like some addActionListener() statements are missing. I'd patch it myself, but I don't want to risk breaking it and I don't have time to debug it. Maybe it'll be fixed in the next release.

I wouldn't bet on it. This is the response I received from my latest prayer:

| Greetings! This is an automated message, as we're all out for the moment. You have received this because you have asked a question about females (a.k.a., Human Release 2.0).
| We've received several reports of various bugs found when the product is run in production environments; everything from LibWomen_vote class errors to reproPleas_spotG not found messages.
| Unfortunately, all the bugs you're noticing aren't design flaws per say, but interface errors when Release 2.0 is run in conjunction with Release 1.0 (a.k.a, male). Mixed-platform environments such as this are always going to generate meaningless and essentially purposeless conflicts (such as the now-infamous "want_sex" incompatibility, or the rumoured but never proven "addActionListener" missing statements, which are in the source code *I* have).
| Naturally, the bugs haven't been limited to just interface problems between the two versions. In an extended mixed environment -- say, one lasting tens of thousands of years -- it's entirely conceivable that further societal issues could arise, eventually bringing down the system entirely.
| I am working on a new release (Human 3.0), with brand new three-gender support and various other features, which will be available to patch single-platform environments. Those systems running both Release 1 and Release 2 will need to format their universe and begin again from scratch -- I'm trying to find a work-around to this, but it seems to be the only way to ensure the conflicts go away. It's entirely possible that Release 3 could be run in conjunction with R1 and R2, but this is *not* recommended. Repeat: this will only increase the number of errors in your system!
| UPDATE: What with various issues that have come up over the past millennia, I've had to put Human 3.0 on indefinite hold until things clear up. A beta version is now available; anyone who wants to be a tester can contact me through the regular channels. Please continue to report any further bugs you may find, and I'll add it to the list of things I'll need to fix, though it may not be released for another hundred million years. Thanks for your support, and special thanks to all of you who paid the shareware!
| -- God

So, as an answer to my prayer, I guess the response is "no." Figures.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1289
From: "Ms Stojay" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 2002 10:45:22 +1100

incognito wrote ...
>"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
>> Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti smashes golden calves and replaces them with pin-ups of a nude Steve Ir--#&*#(& *#%&*#$^* [NO CARRIER]
>Sibyl? Is that you?
>-- Steve I.

Tee hee <simper, giggle>

Perhaps.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1289
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 22 Nov 2002 00:30:38 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> Sex For Dummies
> The Complete Idiot's Guide To Amazing Sex (2nd Edition)

Anyone else here feel a sense of impending doom concerning the contents of the gene pool? The first few paragraphs in both those books should be:

"The first thing to do is go see your doctor. You know, the one with the white coat and cold shiny thing that he wears around his neck.

Ask him to perform "the operation". Don't worry about what it is, he will know what you need. He should be happy to do it and maybe even offer to do it for free.

After your trip to the doctor then you can have someone read the rest of this book to you."


From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>

> After your trip to the doctor then you can have someone read the rest of this book to you."

Um, unless we're thinking of very different "the operation"s, said person would still be able to read.

And in fact, eyesight would likely improve as a result...

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies sing falsetto


From: Chris Wesling <cwesling.cannedmeat.prodigy.net>

> Um, unless we're thinking of very different "the operation"s, said person would still be able to read.

Only if said person was able to read *before* "the operation"...

> And in fact, eyesight would likely improve as a result...

You're thinking of cataract surgery?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1289
From: Phil Smith <pas51.NOSPAMcam.ac.uk>
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 2002 22:00:15 +0000

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
> Anyone else here feel a sense of impending doom concerning the contents of the gene pool?

Sacking the life guards was probably a false economy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1289
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sat, 23 Nov 2002 14:31:03 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>Viki wrote:
>> "Teh (tî'pô)"
>>: Now if only Teh female anatomy was similarly marked...
>> Perhaps you should RTFM.
>Would that be the Kama Sutra, Masters and Johnson, or Portnoy's Complaint?

I recall a story a bookseller told. Seems a young man, more of a young lad really, made some *ahem* interesting selections at his bookstore.

This youngster had a pile of books that included: _Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask_, _Joy of Sex_, _More Joy of Sex_, _Joy of Gay Sex_, and _Joy of Lesbian Sex_.

Despite the customer being likely underage, the purchase was permitted. The reasoning was, and this is as close a quote as I can recall many years after hearing it: "He either knew what he was doing, in which case we shouldn't stop him, or else he needed a *lot* of help and we were giving it to him."

-- D. "Study the literature before doing field work." W.


From: God Rudy <rudy.mail.attic.ccc>

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>> or else he needed a *lot* of help and we were giving it to him."
> And, we're back to RTFM. There *is* an echo in here.

The first RTFM was: Read The F*cking Manual
the second RTFM is: Read the F*ck Manual


From: Phil Smith <pas51.NOSPAMcam.ac.uk>

> the second RTFM is: Read the F*ck Manual

What's next? FTFM?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1289
From: "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net>
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 2002 00:36:23 GMT

"Donald Welsh" <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
: davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
: >And, we're back to RTFM. There *is* an echo in here.
: The science fiction club library has a copy of the pop-up Kama Sutra.

Damn, I thought I'd gotten all copies of that off the market.

Viki, I'd better get some residuals from that one


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Spam Subject: line
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 19 Nov 2002 20:46:10 GMT

Here's the Subject: line in a recent spam:

(±¤°í)Á÷Á¢ Àç¹èÇÑ Á¦ÁÖ±ÖÀ» º¸³»µå¸³´Ï´Ù. <!--[[random]]-->

It just struck me as ironic that the part that was supposed to be random was readable, and the part that was supposed to be readable was random.

-- Al, that's all. You can all just go on ignoring me now.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ObIntro
From: adalger.yahoo.com (Robert Bunn)
Date: 25 Nov 2002 09:25:47 -0800

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> Robert Bunn <adalger.yahoo.com> wrote:
> > Hi, folks.
> > I'd just like to note that y'all are a bunch o' *weird* in-dah-veggials. Makes me feel right at home. I'm hoping you won't mind if I ceremonially anoint myself with oil, rub the local equivalent of blue mud into the local equivalent of my belly button and have a dip in the hot tub?
> From whence do you come, please, that blue mud is the custom? This is a convention which I am not familiar with. Is it slippery?

It is wonderful place, wonderful place on shore of big-big always-warm lake. Volcano hardly bother us any more. From bottom of lake near shore even in winter come pleasant warm blue-blue mud. Mud is very slippery.

Starting at navel and spreading outward, we cover selves in pleasant warm slippery blue mud, all men and women of village. Then we take smallest man of village, and two biggest men throw him out into lake as far as can.

Having made symbolic smurf sacrifice, we all dance Lambada together until swimmer reaches shore. Now comes snowball fight.

This is usual winter festival in Watabansha Lysenxit. Is meant to be summoning Katerina Witt, or Wayne Gretzky. No luck yet, but always my people hope.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Important Lesson
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 26 Nov 2002 22:11:12 GMT

steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> Vanilla Coke (20 oz) + pseudo-sugar (2 packets) == volcano simulation
> Further lessons to be explained at great length. But not this one.

Cool. Which color pseudo-sugar, please?

Dave "I have a four year-old. To her, all this stuff is new." Hinz


From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>

Tom Harrington wrote ...
> steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
>> Vanilla Coke (20 oz) + pseudo-sugar (2 packets) == volcano simulation
>> Further lessons to be explained at great length. But not this one.
>Jeez, isn't that stuff sweet enough already without adding fake sugar?

Well yeah, but what's your point, Tom?

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti gilds lilies, too.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Disaster - or - Why I May Never Use Glass Bottles Again.
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 2002 19:09:10 +1100

I live in Canberra. Canberra is generally quite nice, but it can be a windy place in spring. It's late spring in Canberra right now, innit?

On Sunday arvo just gone a hyyyuuuge gust of wind (went from a gentle zephyr of 2-3 knots to 45 knots in just a few seconds) blew through our garage. On one of the rare occasions both the front and back roller doors were open.

My beer storage-cupboard is in the garage, innit? A white melamine 2.0m x 0.6m x 0.6m *free-effin-standing* storage-cupboard. I was working in the front yard, cutting up a large fallen tree (but that's another story). So I saunter up the driveway to shut at least one roller door...

"Oh, no" sez I, on spying the state of the cupboard door. The wind is prising the door ajar... then open... now it is waving the door about like the lid on the Dursleys' mail slot.

"Oh, DARN no" sez I as the door is now acting like a sail and, of course, pulls the whole cupboard over. I am precisely too far away to reach it in time.

Concrete floor, approximately 0.5-2.0 metres to fall (depending on which shelf). 35% of my stock gone in one fell swoop. 65% of the glass bottles, about 9% of the plastic ones. And the latter were only lost due to punctures inflicted by the broken glass. The rest of the plastics were shaken, stirred and otherwise discombobulated, but otherwise fine. They're just settling now.

I swept up beer and glass for hours. Some of the glass shards ended up more than seven metres away. No bare feet in the garage or that part of the back yard for about the next two years.

Now the worst of it. It's not the volume that I miss - I can cook that up in a few weeks - but most of the bottles that broke were my six to eighteen month old stock. All of my old stock. All the last bits of the really good stuff, including the prize-winner and its siblings.

damn, Damn, DAMN, DDAAMMNN.

So - I May Never Use Glass Bottles Again.

Would anyone mind if I crawled off into a corner to cry for a while? Ta. Ta ever so.


From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
<snip some background>
>Now the worst of it. It's not the volume that I miss - I can cook that up in a few weeks - but most of the bottles that broke were my six to eighteen month old stock. All of my old stock. All the last bits of the really good stuff, including the prize-winner and its siblings.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the passing of the Great Ale of Fitzpatrick. We are not here to mourn, but to praise it. Grain to grain, yeast to yeast, forever and ever, amen.

>So - I May Never Use Glass Bottles Again.

OR ... you could use this incident as inspiration to come up with a type of bottle that is *unbreakable*! Throw it from the Empire State Building, and it lands with nary a scratch! Play catch with your favourite stock with the butterfingers down the block and not have to worry about shattering your beloved ale all over the sidewalk! Toss it into the sun ... well, okay, so the glass would melt, but you get the idea.

OR ... you could keep your future stash in a secret underground cavern, hallowed out and super-reinforced -- and, since you're going to be doing that anyway, why not make a rough simulacrum of the Batcave? "Quickly, Yeast-Boy! To the Ale-Mobile!" "Holy fermentation, Beerman!"

OR ... lay the cabinet down so that it's on it's back, and keep your beer safe and secure on the ground, resisting all those temptations to use this New Clear Surface to stack things upon (I've been in garages; I know that temptation all too well). Then your beer has no further to go, unless the ground opens up directly beneath it ... and if that happens, most likely you'll be too busy dealing with the denizens of the underworld (not to mention your insurance agent -- but I repeat myself) to worry much about the fermented wonders.

Or you could just use plastic bottles. But I think my ideas are superior, especially since beer in glass just *tastes* better. And is somewhat more presentable to the teeming masses.

>Would anyone mind if I crawled off into a corner to cry for a while? Ta. Ta ever so.

We mourn your loss. Sadly, Hallmark doesn't make cards for this kind of thing, so you'll just have to take my word for it.


From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>

steven wrote:
> We mourn your loss. Sadly, Hallmark doesn't make cards for this kind of thing, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

A tragedy of epic bent,
Your beer upon the ground is spent.
It did not pass from lips to bladder,
And that's what makes it all the sadder.


From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>

> OR ... lay the cabinet down so that it's on it's back, and keep your beer safe and secure on the ground, resisting all those temptations to use this New Clear Surface to stack things upon (I've been in garages; I know that temptation all too well). Then your beer has no further to go, unless the ground opens up directly beneath it ... and if that happens, most likely you'll be too busy dealing with the denizens of the underworld (not to mention your insurance agent -- but I repeat myself) to worry much about the fermented wonders.

This problem solves itself, sort of. If the beer's really as good as Richard says, then surely the denizens of the underworld will be too busy drinking to be much of a problem. Of course, the beer would still be lost, but at least it'd happen without unleashing armageddon.


From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>

>the beer would still be lost, but at least it'd happen without unleashing armageddon.

Your definition of "armageddon" varies from mine.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Disaster - or - Why I May Never Use Glass Bottles Again.
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 28 Nov 2002 05:41:38 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> said:
> Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
> ; OUCH!!!!!!!
> ; May I suggest, before you switch to PET, that you just keep your beer
> Cocker Spaniel?

Hey, whatever floats your boat. But make sure you use proper shielding to prevent detection by the Pervert Excitation Tracking device.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies Fondle 18 Dogs Gratuitously


From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote in message
>Cocker Spaniel?

But I never went even *near* 'er bluddy dog!



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