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2002 11 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Future Dumbledore
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 04 Nov 2002 08:45:37 +1100

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> wrote:
> 51. Me.

All die. Oh, the embarrassment.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Future Dumbledore
From: "Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com>
Date: Sun, 3 Nov 2002 07:33:35 -0500

"Tom Harrington" <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> 49. Robin Williams

Hmmmmm .....

I'm picturing a scene lifted from Dead Poet's Society where the new Dumbledore opens the class by chucking a book of useless spells out the window ...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Future Dumbledore
From: "Teh (tî'pô)" <teh.mindless.com>
Date: Sun, 03 Nov 2002 11:30:53 +0200

Tom Harrington wrote:
>43. Steve Irwin

Blimey look at that 'e-who-must-not-be-named, cor you can see the evil just reeking off 'ov 'im!

'ere I'm gonna turn 'im into a snayke, bloody 'ell I forgot that's 'is second form! Don't try this at 'ome, this part in which 'e squeezes the life outta me ain't something you should do unless you have the appropriate silly accent!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Future Dumbledore
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Sun, 03 Nov 2002 14:04:49 -0600

Screwtape wrote:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('Teh (tî'pô)')...done.
>>Tom Harrington wrote:
>>>43. Steve Irwin
>>Blimey look at that 'e-who-must-not-be-named, cor you can see the evil just reeking off 'ov 'im!
>>'ere I'm gonna turn 'im into a snayke, bloody 'ell I forgot that's 'is second form! Don't try this at 'ome, this part in which 'e squeezes the life outta me ain't something you should do unless you have the appropriate silly accent!
> One of my sister's friends talks just like that. Well, talks like Steve Irwin - he's not famed for giving 'I'm being eaten by a snake' monologues.

A _second_ Aussie who talks like that? What is it, an epidemic?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Future Dumbledore
From: Jim Menard <jimm.io.com>
Date: 13 Nov 2002 20:09:36 -0600

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> writes:
> Ian Davis wrote:
> ; "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> ; > dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies always dribble before they shoot
> ; Hence the furore at the biathlon.
> I want to know who the sick and twisted person was that decided that alpine skiing and target shooting go together in a single sport.

Picabo Skeet?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Future Dumbledore
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2002 00:19:18 -0600

Viki wrote:
> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
<snip>
> : dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think Mrs. Doubtfire was a hottie
> Dan, really, we're getting a little tired of your discussions about your love life...

It would be better if they weren't so one-sided.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Some quick questions
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sat, 02 Nov 2002 07:13:52 -0500

Donald Welsh wrote:
> The FAQ says all you have to do to be a priest is ask Kinzler.

There's a little more to it than that, but I'm not at liberty to discuss it. Suffice to say that I became a priest only a few years ago, and the "initiation ceremony" is still going on.

And they STILL won't let me into the paddock with the real sheep.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Some quick questions
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 1 Nov 2002 15:13:22 GMT

(Tim Chew) wrote:
> Jason wrote in message
>> Screwtape wrote:
>> > I always kind of thought priests were conscripted, rather than volunteering...
>> DAERTA "constipated"?
> Now that you mention it...

Is that the same thing as anal-retentive?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Some quick questions
From: "Paul McCue" <pmccue.abdn.ac.uk>
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 2002 16:24:39 -0000

"Hetta" <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
> And sometimes a question just disappears, never to return. It helps to have a valid return address...

Escaped questions have been known to travel thousands of miles to get back to their owner, even when doing so requires that they spontaneously start speaking. Although in most cases you'll find they've been flushed (if small) or left at the local vets for disposal.

Remember (in the UK), keep your questions indoors on November 5th.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Serious question
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sat, 02 Nov 2002 07:34:17 -0500

Nathan F Russell wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>> I think the prevailing wisdom is that if you think the question is a serious one, give a serious answer, even if it's just an "I don't know", along with a blurb on what TIO is for.

What is this "prevailing wisdom" stuff? I can't seem to find any.

>> If it turns out it was a real TIO question, they'll resubmit.
> Thanks - I'll follow that advice in the future.
> Resubmitting is trivial, and doesn't cost anyone involved anything but a few seconds of time. On the other hand, I wouldn't want (say) my little sister to pose a serious question, and get a reply about zotting groundhogs who don't grovel properly or something.

Although TIO is in theory a "family-oriented" service, it is not possible to guarantee that everything submitted is appropriate for children. All too often offensive questions and answers sneak into the system. The priesthood do their best to counsel the worst offenders against such behavior, but some people refuse to play nice. In other words, I would not recommend TIO for use by children. I don't let my kids (eleven and thirteen yoa) use it. In fact, I don't let them use e-mail, Usenet or chat, but that's just because I'm a big evil overprotective dad who wants to stifle their independence. They also won't get driver's licenses until I think they're damned good and ready.

Umm, sorry. I was about to go on a real rant there. I'll stop before I really get started.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Serious question
From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 2002 20:56:52 -0700

Nathan F Russell wrote:
>No, not serious questions for RHOD - but rather a question for RHOD *about* serious questions.

There are no serious questions.

I'm pretty sure that's covered in Rule Number Six.

>It seems to me that at times a supplicant (usually apparently young)

*All* supplicants are young.

Remember, you're incarnating for the Oracle, a being who's so old he probably installed most of the hardware I use on a day-to-day business.

<sigh />

And from the looks of it, he was so busy pondering the wonders of the universe that he used the wrong-sized screwdriver, and stripped the heads.

>won't recognize that the Oracle is essentially a humor medium,

Yes, the "rec.humor" part of this froup has always been a source of much confusion for many people. Especially those who don't even know that Usenet exists.

>and will try to ask a serious (often romance-related) question.

Oh, good; then I'm not the only one to get those.

>My concern is how to answer these.

Carefully.

>Obviously, I'm not a trained counselor,

Neither is the Oracle, apparently. One would think, what with a few centuries to spend, he'd find the time. There must have been more pressing needs ... like, say, pressing pants.

That reminds me: I need to take the iron out of my car.

>and don't know how to help - but on the other hand, if I let the question fall back into the queue, the next Incarnation might not be at all kind to the supplicant.
>Any suggestions?

One thing that comes immediately to mind is something I did for no particular reason back when I first started college. I was young(er), wondering where my life was headed and what I was doing continuing the torture after no less than fifteen years of non-stop schooling, a bit troubled in my love life, and finding that I was feeling repressed by my parents. So I took up a pen and wrote everything I was feeling on paper, sealed it all in an envelope, and left it in the college library. I didn't care who saw it or who read it, I just wanted to vent.

These people aren't usually looking for answers, but sometimes a person will do just about anything to feel better.

That said, you can still answer semi-seriously while delivering the humor. I'm no expert by any means, but sometimes a little laughter can help.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Serious question
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Fri, 01 Nov 2002 01:15:02 -0600

steven wrote:
> I'm pretty sure that's covered in Rule Number Six.

Everyone just back away slowly...

> And from the looks of it, he was so busy pondering the wonders of the universe that he used the wrong-sized screwdriver, and stripped the heads.

In my day, we only had one type of screwdriver, and if you slipped and gashed yourself, that was just the price you paid if you wanted them newfangled screws. What's wrong with nails? Ah, the good days of making the apprentices pull nails from pig iron, that takes me back...

> Yes, the "rec.humor" part of this froup has always been a source of much confusion for many people. Especially those who don't even know that Usenet exists.

And Larry Ellison's cronies.

>>and will try to ask a serious (often romance-related) question.
> Oh, good; then I'm not the only one to get those.

Yes, I need to talk to you about some of your responses...

>>My concern is how to answer these.
> Carefully.

Do as I say, not as I do, eh?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Serious question
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 1 Nov 2002 09:15:43 GMT

steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com> said:
> These people aren't usually looking for answers, but sometimes a person will do just about anything to feel better.

Even post to RHOD.

OTOH, one time I was feeling lost and overwhelmed and so I submitted a serious-esque question (though with some off-beat groveling) hoping for a bit of humor to brighten my outlook, and all I got was a serious answer. Twice! For the record, whoever you (two) are, you should consider your very life a tribute to the anonymizing nature of the queueueueue.

> That said, you can still answer semi-seriously while delivering the humor. I'm no expert by any means, but sometimes a little laughter can help.

Ayup. Witness the dysfunctional-family-atmosphere of RHOD itself. We still share and laugh together and cry together. And sometimes laugh at those who are crying. And sometimes crack wise about serious personal issues. That were posted in a public forum with the word "humor" in the title. We are here to share and divert your attention from what you are (or at least should be) doing/feeling. And not in the "so we can steal your wallet" kind of way. They'll be plenty of time for that after we eat you for dinner.

Well, I hope this has made sense and been helpful and fulfilled your all of your wildest fantasies. Well, all except the apparently still-as-yet-unfulfilled one involving handcuffs, a lemur, and two cans of whipped cream that I read about in a note left in the library.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are, milligram for milligram, the most coldly (and deeply) sympathetic creatures in the universe


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Serious question
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 01 Nov 2002 05:52:41 GMT

Sniffnoy the Swordfish <sniffnoy.optonline.net> wrote:
>TV says, Donuts are high in fat, Kazoo, It's Princess Leia, The yodel of life, Give me my sweater back, Or I'll play the guitar

Will you *stop*. Playing. With. THE REMOTE!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: error
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 1 Nov 2002 09:29:04 GMT

Jim Menard <jimm.io.com> said:
> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> writes:
>> Is assm still functional? I had to drop that froup years ago...got to be too awkward to hold up such thick reading-glasses.
> Try using both hands.

???

That's like being too poor to buy both food and a stove.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies want good, hot meat


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am disillusioned
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 03 Nov 2002 02:10:43 +1100

Fierce Cookie wrote:
> Let's see. A company lies, cheats, steals, forms a monopoly, uses that monopoly to harm competitors and consumers, and then manages to forge a deal with the US Justice Department that leaves things at the status quo ante. I think this is a betrayal by those in whom we placed our trust.
> The only bright side is that there are other countries that might not follow in lockstep.

Hah - you think *you* lot have it bad!

Why down here tonight's the night they held the Gay Olympics (or whatever the PC police call it) and not ONE SINGLE CHANNEL televised it.

Waaah - all those *frocks* - all that *glitter*....8(

Fifty of Sydney's - the Pink Capital of the whole entire WORLD - finest drag queens, all frocked up, Brazillianed and coiffed to the heavens - with NO PLACE TO SHOW.

So instead I watched a bio on Larry Flynn, but of course they put those annoying big black rectangles over *all* the naughty bits.

*Then* the bastard yellow cichlid bit both of the mating convicts, leading to much upside-down swimming, and the cat ate too much dog food and threw up on the one and only bit of carpet in the house.

Oh - and I stood on a bee this morning (yowch), ran out of mayonnaise at a *particularly* crucial time, and I think I have aphids 8 (

Still, Roast the duckling is intensely cute, the bit of lawn I fenced off from the giant trench-digging dog is actually *growing*, and Naked News was as stupid as ever today, so all's not *totally* furked in the world 8 )


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am disillusioned
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 03 Nov 2002 02:56:28 +1100

Hetta wrote:
> SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> > and I think I have aphids 8(
> Hmmm. Have you tried bathing in nettle water?

Great - you could have told me that *before* I ordered all this asses milk 8 (


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am disillusioned
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Sun, 03 Nov 2002 06:43:38 +1100

SaraM wrote:
>Still, Roast the duckling...

That's the funniest thing I've ever seen ; )


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: this time last week
From: "~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Sat, 02 Nov 2002 23:30:08 -0000

"Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
> I was in the so-called City of Brotherly Love.

Sorry. They changed it to "Brotherly Lawsuit" in 1983.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: this time last week
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 4 Nov 2002 02:42:32 GMT

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
> I was in the so-called City of Brotherly Love.

Which city?

> Talk about a mis-nomer. Each and every person I encounted over the weekend trip was surly and rude.

Oh, Philly.

> Couldn't get a waitress' attention to save my soul.

Maybe she knew you were a lawyer? It'd be kinda like performing CPR on King Tut.

> Now I remember why I haven't been there since 1975. Dan, ~Steve-o, be glad you've escaped!

Oh am I! Yesterday I stopped by the farmers' market on the way to work, and there were no plastic bags blowing the wind. This morning I woke up, went and listened to the concert on my corner whilst drinking my coffee, and there were lots of people all standing around and smiling and talking to strangers, not jostling for position and stealing each others' wallets.

Then I watched a whole bunch of folks make themselves feel like death by running in a 26-mile circle. It's like if you want to be in pain, you don't have to go to all that effort and months of training...just ask me and I'll arrange for a kick-boxer I know ("hi Emily") to beat the crap out of you, and hey--I'll even wrap you in aluminum foil afterwards.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are gonna have a BBQ at the finish line


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: this time last week
From: "~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Mon, 04 Nov 2002 10:36:16 -0000

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Hey ~Steve-o? Ya still in ak.us? Wassup wit all da rockin' and shakin'?

Couldn't rightly say. It was about 300 miles away from us.

By the time it got down here it was just a gentle swaying, as if the entire city of Anchorage was rocking back and forth to the Carpenters "Sing," except with less "na na na na na"s and with more rumbling.

It is worth noting, however, that this was our second major earthquake in as many weeks. I hope this doesn't become a regular occurrence, it scares the moose and makes them hard to control during polo matches.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: this time last week
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Wed, 06 Nov 2002 06:36:58 -0500

Hetta wrote:
> Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
>> ~Steve-o wrote:
>> > It is worth noting, however, that this was our second major earthquake in as many weeks. I hope this doesn't become a regular occurrence, it scares the moose and makes them hard to control during polo matches.
>> Mind you, moose polo can be pretti nasti.
> Especially if you're on a male moose in mating season.
> Hetta (... those horns are _huge_.)

Most moose jockeys ride the moose somewhat behind the horns, rather than directly on them.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 5 Nov 2002 03:02:52 GMT

> Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti thinks that if that's his idea of a proposition, Dan's sex life is no longer a puzzle.

Of course it's not a puzzle! Otherwise I'd be able to get a piece...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi>
Date: Sat, 09 Nov 2002 10:28:39 +0200

bmarcum.iglou.com (Bill Marcum) wrote:
> Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
> >steven wrote ...
> >>Yes, well, while you're using the loom, I'll be over here with my simple-to-operate screwdriver.
> >Aha! An orange with an inserted gene for vodka?
> Is this the start of another "I'll see your _____ and raise you ______" thread?

I see your try to start a poker cascade and raise you a cascade cop.

Hetta (Just come quietly along, this won't hurt a bit. Or perhaps just a little. OK, well, a lot. Nothing to see here folks, move along, move along.)


From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>

> Nothing to see here folks, move along, move along.)


^ ^

Oh right - so those *aren't* *nipples* sticking out of the snow....??


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)

>Oh right - so those *aren't* *nipples* sticking out of the snow....??

Of course not. It's a character from some anime movie, smiling, in a blizzard.

Screwtape,
...or at night, depending on the colour scheme of your newsreader.


From: "Teh (tî'pô)" <teh.mindless.com>

>Hetta (Just come quietly along, this won't hurt a bit. Or perhaps just a little. OK, well, a lot. Nothing to see here folks, move along, move along.)

Hey! No fair Undeputized Cascade Cops cutting in on the action!

So what if I've been negligent, that doesn't mean some vigilante can come in and take over the operation. What reason would the cascaders have to cough up the protection money if any upstart could book and torture them as if they were deputized by Teh Nathan Hisself?!


From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>

> if any upstart could book and torture them as if they were deputized by Teh Nathan Hisself?!

I'll see your failed extortion racket and raise you a broken tennis racquet.


From: Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi>

> I'll see your failed extortion racket and raise you a broken tennis racquet.

.
.
.

Hetta happily ties the rope around the potato sack which now covers Tom "Tom"'s head and shoulders.

Wonder where to put this one? In the basement with the dripping pipes, or perhaps in the attic with the bats? Hmmm. Decisions, decisions...


From: Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org>

; I'll see your failed extortion racket and raise you a broken tennis racquet.

I'll see your defective sports implement and make a lot of noise.


From: Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi>

> I'll see your defective sports implement and make a lot of noise.

.
.
.

Hetta put away her tools and surveyed her work. She nodded in satisfaction - Jeffrey's new career as a motion detector over the door of this particular McDonalds would be long and quite tedious.


From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>

>Wonder where to put this one? In the basement with the dripping pipes, or perhaps in the attic with the bats? Hmmm. Decisions, decisions...

I'll see your bats infested with ticks and raise you a bat out of hell.


From: Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi>

> I'll see your bats infested with ticks and raise you a bat out of hell.

.
.
.

Hetta drove off with her snow scooter. Along her tracks, back in the woods, you could hear muffled screams. It wasn't certain if the screams came from the bear which had been dragged into the sealed igloo from its wintry rest, or if they came from GWdL ...


From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>

> dragged into the sealed igloo from its wintery rest, or if they came from GWdL ...

I'll see the sensation you get when you bite into a York Peppermint Patty, and raise you the sensation you get when the teeth of a zipper bites into your........finger.


From: Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi>

> the sensation you get when the teeth of a zipper bites into your........finger.

.
.
.

Hetta looked over the icy lake, admiring the way the islands were mirrored in the clear blank surface. Rarely do you get ice like this, with sunshine and all... she got to work with her ice drill, axe, and saw. When the icehole was big enough pushed Jason, feet first, into the dark cold waters, taking care not to push him too far; if he got under the ice he wouldn't be able to make his way back.

After 10 minutes she let him up.

There, wasn't that nice? Don't worry, you'll almost certainly feel warm again in a week. OK, perhaps. Maybe. Or, it's a possibility, and that's the truth.


From: Sniffnoy the Swordfish <sniffnoy.optonline.net>

> OK, perhaps. Maybe. Or, it's a possibility, and that's the truth.

I'll see your uncertain truth and raise you a definite lie.


From: Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi>

> I'll see your uncertain truth and raise you a definite lie.

.
.
.

Hetta's troika sped on, leaving Sniffnoy behind. It was a rather large pack, and Hetta was almost worried that Sniffnoy wouldn't be able to handle them. But then cascaders _deserved_ wolves. Or was it the other way around?


From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>

> OK, perhaps. Maybe. Or, it's a possibility, and that's the truth.

I'll see your freshly-drilled wet icehole and raise you the most disturbing URL ever posted to RHOD.


From: Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi>

> I'll see your freshly-drilled wet icehole and raise you the most disturbing URL ever posted to RHOD.

.
.
.

Hetta ties the rope to a nearby trunk and wipes the sweat off her brow. Tom "Tom" sure could lose some weight; pulling him up that tree was heavy going. No worries, this little stint should help, what with no food at all in his potato sack.

A week should do it. Hetta looks up at the sky. "Hmmm, looks like rain, I'd better go indoors."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Thu, 07 Nov 2002 15:50:36 +1100

"Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
> Pass the batteries, please.

And the drunk said, "I don't remember eating *that*!"

Oh, sorry, wrong joke.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 7 Nov 2002 08:07:31 GMT

TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> said:
> Then there was my favourite, when one of the guys who had a luser try to attack his account went and somehow changed the keymap on said luser account, to rotate every key 1 place. He did this while giving the rest of us about 5 minutes warning so we could go to the room and watch the result. A few "what the fsck"'s later, we were trying very hard to remain subtle and contain our laughter. This was... difficult.

Reminds me of a game I played once^Woccasionally^WI-registered-for- and-then-decided-against-taking-a-course-that- used-the-machine-where- it-was-installed-and- never-actually-dropped-the-course-in-order-that- my-account-would-stay-active: "Battletris" (hi Bryan and Mike!). 'Twas a two-player tetris thing, except after clearing certain special blocks, you could go to the weapons bazaar and buy spells to cast upon your opponent. Was always fun to watch someone be attacked for the first time and not be able to figure out why by (for example) the slide-left/slide-right keys stopped working. Or when the pieces started rotating uncontrollably. Or flipped the game upside down--I'm sure someone could do research into why such a victim would lower his head and look "up" towards the screen (approximating the viewing angle vs. piece motion of a normal posture and a normal game.

See, your .sigmonster was just thinking one post too far ahead in the thread...

> --
> TimC -- http://astronomy.swin.edu.au/staff/tconnors/
> If my head were spinning at relativistic speeds, it would appear to everyone else that my brane had slowed down. (unattributed, because it so accurately describes me)

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies can't belive dan actually finished college


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ping Pong
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 3 Nov 2002 15:38:30 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> GW De Lacey
> ; 'Fierce Cookie' is full of eels:
> ; >Ping pong is much more fun than lots of other things that take up kids' time these days.
> ; Ya know, Fierce... I really don't believe you're fierce at all.
> But he's definitely a cookie.

Is that with a "c" or a "k"?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Modern police methods
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 04 Nov 2002 08:30:06 +1100

I was interested to hear on the radio yesterday about the planned abduction of Victoria Beckham. There is apparently no truth to the rumor that they were planning to use a vacuum cleaner to snatch her.

However, the most interesting part was that the police involved were apparently from the Serious and Organised Crime Detectives. It seems that the Wacky and Messy squad were unavailable for comment.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Modern police methods
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 04 Nov 2002 11:27:47 +1100

"~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> wrote:
> Ian Davis <not.all.certain> wrote:
> > There is apparently no truth to the rumor that they were planning to use a vacuum cleaner to snatch her.
> I don't think anyone who reads Ghastly's Comic can read a sentence with "vacuum" and "snatch" in it without giggling.

I knew this would draw someone out. I never believed it would be you. Your mother and I are so disappointed in you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am eating
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Wed, 06 Nov 2002 14:01:00 -0700

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
> m_init(): spawning followupTo('TimC')...done.
> >Gosh, I am amazed that nothing is open in that place after 7:00pm. What do you do in daylight saving when it is still light?
> Possibly not so fun when it's still light, but I believe you could go watch fire-twirling in Civic on a Friday night[2]. Go see:
>
> http://fire.house.cx/
>
> ...for more details.

Nuh-uh, no way I'm going to anything in *.cx that gets posted in *this* newsgroup.


From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> Tom Harrington wrote:
> ; Nuh-uh, no way I'm going to anything in *.cx that gets posted in *this* ; newsgroup.
> It's kid-safe.

Now here's a slogan you could plaster all over the place, and no one would disagree:

"Goat Sex: it's not safe for kids."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am eating
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 2002 11:14:32 +1100

Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
> Ian Davis wrote:
> > Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> wrote:
> >> Never having been to the upside-down part of the world, I still have a hard time with the concept that November is the start of Summer.
> > Having had great difficulty explaining this concept to someone in Pittsburgh, we eventually settled on the fact that our winters are hot and our summers are cold.
> Owie.

I neglected to mention that he had a PhD. Must have sent in *lots* of box tops.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am eating
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2002 13:26:37 +1100

"Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
> : Having had great difficulty explaining this concept to someone in Pittsburgh, we eventually settled on the fact that our winters are hot and our summers are cold.
> I surely hope you did not wish to disparage the entire populace of my fair hometown, Ian.
> Viki, meaning, of course, one can find ijits just about anywhere

Not at all, perish the thought! I consider Pittsburgh to be ar arn darntarn arn tarn. Yunz.

Ian, replete with terrible towel.


From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>

> Ian, replete with terrible towel.

Irritable towel syndrome, no?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies keep having to go dry their hands


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am eating
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 2002 22:22:44 +1100

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote in message ...
>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>; >One of my brother's early sigs was, "I have never brewed a beer I never drank."
>; Hehehe, same here - but did he drink *all* of every brew?
>Except for what he served to others, I guess.

Well, that's always an option. This year's Club Prez has done (allegedly) 72 brews in just over two years. Admittedly, he does smaller batches than I do (9-12 litres vs. 20-24), but that's an awful lot of drinking. Apparently he gives a lot of it away.

Now *there* is a choice situation:

"Hey mate! Like a beer?"

"G'day, Christophe! Yeah, love one, thanks. This one of your award-winners?"

"You bet. Here, have another one."

"Er... sure - it's pretty good, after all"

"No worries - here, have another one."

"Pardon?"

"Why not have two? Wait, I'll get a box."

"Erm... Christophe?"

"Yeah, mate? Here's a couple more, by the way."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Why, don't you like it? It's a damfine lactic stout, I'll have you know."

"Yeah, yeah, it's great, but..."

And so on.

Not so long ago, you really *couldn't* give home-brew away - to do so was a sure sign that even *you* wouldn't drink it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1289
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 2002 00:10:48 -0600

TimC wrote:
> Lord Insidious, World Dominator wrote:
>>Where we're going we won't need ... hats.
> In our coffee room, you need tinfoil hats. The electrical/networking cupboard next door humms. Loudly. Disturbingly loudly.

It just wants someone to tell it the words.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: see colon, enter
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 8 Nov 2002 03:19:32 GMT

Andrew Comeau <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com> said:
> "Jeffrey Kaplan" <rhod.gordol.org> wrote:
>> ; http://www.preventcancer.org/colossalcolon/
>> No, I am NOT going there. I've already seen The URL, which this sounds disturbingly like.
> I'm almost tempted to forward it

What a bad time for ambiguous pronoun reference.

> to a friend who is dealing with some colon problems and has been sharing the details (and scope pictures) over the past few months

Yamean I could bill my insurance company for all the time I spend photocopying my ass?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies hope he'll be more careful with the sheet-feeder next time


From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>

> Yamean I could bill my insurance company for all the time I spend photocopying my ass?

It was all going so well, till the incident with the stapler.


From: "Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com>

> Yamean I could bill my insurance company for all the time I spend photocopying my ass?

That is * not * the way to get rid of tan lines ...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: see colon, enter
From: "*Alessandro*" <inetman99.hotmail.com>
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 2002 11:18:04 +0100

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
> Or even +++.

I see you trying to avoid the rope and raise you a +++ATH0

NO CARRIER


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: HUH?
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 2002 17:58:35 +1100

Nathan F Russell <nrussell.acsu.buffalo.edu> wrote:
> Just got this:

> To: Nathan Russell <nrussell.acsu.buffalo.edu>
> Subject: The Oracle has nothing to ask.
> From: The Internet Oracle <oracle.cs.indiana.edu>
> Date: Sun, 10 Nov 2002 20:57:50 -0500 (EST)
>
> !!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather full. Help speed
> !!! things up for everyone and do askme's instead of tellme's.
>
> The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask.

The queue is full of questions.
The queue will not send questions back to the person who posted them, as they are too close to the process.
The queue will not send you questions.

The resolution of this syllogism is that you must move yourself so as to become distant from the queue. This is why we are always yelling, "Far queue!" at you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: all Viki, all the time
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 14 Nov 2002 03:59:34 GMT

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
>> It's so nice to be noticed...
> What, they finally fixed the heat in your house?
> Get it??? Noticed? "Not iced"? Awfergeddit.

Dan. I like you. I respect you. I might even say that I *admire* you.

However...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That's Appropriate
From: Mondariloth <mondi_spam.lycos.com>
Date: 14 Nov 2002 21:32:21 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>>Well, at least he gave me some links to some nekkid women to keep me occupied while I wait for him to crack.
> Anyone for a game of Six Degrees of Naked Women?

Six degree naked women aren't really all that much fun. You need them warmed up to something above room temperature.


From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>

> Six degree naked women aren't really all that much fun. You need them warmed up to something above room temperature.

...before they'll be not-iced?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Oh I give up.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if that joke will *ever* be funny



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