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2002 10 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ooo I'm so proud...
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 18 Oct 2002 07:16:27 GMT

davehinz.spamcop.net <davehinz.spamcop.net> said:
> Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
>> So you have a high-maintenance computer, then?
> Some of mine are some aren't. Lately, my preferred configuration for a desktop is Linux running an app called VMware, which then runs windows within it. So, 'doze is locked up

That's a pretty authentic emulation ya got there.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies prefer the one-finger salute


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ooo I'm so proud...
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2002 16:52:40 -0700

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> I will however deny ever having used COBOL. The statute of limitations has expired, it was in international waters, and I didn't inhale.

It leaves a mark on you that you can't ever wash out. Deny it all you want, but any geek will be able to pick up the scent on you. It's not as bad as VB in that regard, but it's not hard to notice.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Interesting URL
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Thu, 17 Oct 2002 14:36:35 -0600

TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> wrote:
> Bruce wrote:
> > davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> >> Tim Chew <twchew.mindspring.com> wrote:
> >>> From Ig-nobel Laureate Theodore Grey's Website.
> >>> http://theodoregray.com/PeriodicTable/MSP/SpellWithElements
> > Damn my name sucks. Can't even get either my first or last name by themselves, even!
> I lie. My name is Titanium Molybdenum Thorium Yttrium; you can call me Titanium Molybdenum Thorium Yttrium.

May we call you "Tit" for short?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lethal Weapons
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 2002 07:08:39 +1000

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> wrote:
> Too right. She decided that the back and neck problems weren't worth the photographic offers from The Picture/The Sun/whatever-tabloid-puts-big-breasted-girls-on-page-three-in-your-jurisdiction.

That URL is not working.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lethal Weapons
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2002 11:58:46 +1000

"Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com> wrote:
>"Ian Davis" <not.all.certain> wrote in message news:not-
> > A waiter once asked my wife if she wanted D-cup coffee.
> There are Freudian slips ... and then there are Freudian slides ....

And there are Freudian falling-screaming-off-the-cliff. This was one of the penis. Latter!

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lethal Weapons
From: "Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com>
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 08:06:00 -0400

"Teh (tî'pô)" <teh.mindless.com> wrote:
> Andrew Comeau wrote:
> > If it were true, that is ....just found this one.
> > http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/stripper.htm
> Does this mean there's no GIF?

What do you think I was looking for when I found that link??


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Just put a dome over it
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Fri, 18 Oct 2002 15:17:10 -0600

My next door neighbor is right now outside vacuuming up the leaves in her yard.

She's got some kind of contraption that looks a lot like a leaf blower, except that it sucks rather than blowing. It's a shoulder-mounted thing with a big bag attached and a LONG extension cord.

Maybe it's just me, but even after having seen her do this several times, I still find it hard to believe. It's not as if it's convenient or anything-- she's been going for an hour or so now on a lot that's not _that_ big, and this is the second time this week. And it's loud as hell, even though it's electric and therefore is presumably quieter than a gas-powered model would be. What it _does_ do is make the place look like it's somehow removed from nature, as if leaves just magically don't fall there.

Well, until the next breeze, anyway. Did I mention that I live in a windy sort of area?

I won't get into the near-frantic handling of snow, or the military precision of the front lawn.

Just put a dome over the house, already, and turn it into Biosphere 3.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: "~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002 00:34:27 -0000

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> I won't get into the near-frantic handling of snow

Well now you're talking my language. You wouldn't believe how many people get freaked out by snow on their driveway.

In winter.

In Alaska.

"Wow," my neighbor will say. "That's a lot of snow."

"Yeah," I'll say. "It's completely covered the ground," I'll add, not feeling inclined to add anything useful to the conversation.

"Yup," my neighbor says, bubbling with insight. "Kinda odd."

"Yup," say I. "It's odd. Considering last year at this time it... oh that's right... last year at this time IT SNOWED! And the year before that IT SNOWED! AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT! WE LIVE IN ALASKA!! AL-FUCKING-ASKA!!! IT SNOWS IN ALASKA! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE KNOWN FOR! SNOW!! AND PENGUINS! And those little moose-poop candy dispensors they sell on the internet, BUT MOSTLY SNOW!"

By this point my neighbor has successfully backed up to their door and disappeared and I can go back to urinating in the snow angels the kids left in my parking space.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Fri, 18 Oct 2002 21:50:00 -0600

"~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> wrote:
> Well now you're talking my language. You wouldn't believe how many people get freaked out by snow on their driveway.
> In winter.
> In Alaska.
> "Wow," my neighbor will say. "That's a lot of snow."

I was thinking more in terms of the gotta-get-it-gone-NOW attitude. As in, it starts to snow. Within half an hour she's shoveling it, despite the fact that it's still snowing heavily. Another 45 minutes, shovel again, though it's now snowing even harder. Repeat until dead. I do try and clear it off the sidewalk, because we actually still get pedestrians in this neighborhood, but I'll wait until morning, or at least until the snow mostly stops. I'm waiting for her to install an electrically-heated sidewalk.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2002 08:11:24 +1000

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> I'm waiting for her to install an electrically-heated sidewalk.

Now, I must protest. You are missing the point completely. I moved from a snow-free environment to sunny Pittsburgh, where there is snow 5 months of the year (in a row!) One of life's sweet joys was to go out in the crisp clean air and shovel the driveway and sidewalk, enjoying the silent falling of the snow. We had a long driveway and it sometimes took hours. Sometimes I had to lean on the shovel and talk to the neighbours, our dear friends. Our house was the only one in the street with a clear sidewalk. I knew it wouldn't last, I knew it was futile, but the zen of snow shovelling transcends such issues. For a brief moment there was a nice path to the door with snow walls and everything, just like from the old Peanuts cartoons. And I was enlightened.

Across the road, another neighbour was missing the point too. She was using a snow blower, which is a fast, efficient, slightly fun but not at all enlightening way of clearing snow. She would blow it off the driveway into the street. She was always surprised how the cars could drive safely down most of the street and yet spin crazily out of control when they reached her house. Still, it was hours of fun for the rest of us.

I was going to say something about how the neighbours laughed when I took out the rubbish wearing my thongs, but you wouldn't understand.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's the lawn to mow. With a scythe.

Mahatma Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 21 Oct 2002 02:13:50 GMT

Ian Davis wrote:
> I was going to say something about how the neighbours laughed when I took out the rubbish wearing my thongs, but you wouldn't understand.

What the rubbish was doing wearing your thongs, I'll never know.

-- Al, who found it *very* difficult to pass up the underwear joke for the Marx reference, but somehow almost managed.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 22:23:02 -0600

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> wrote:
> For a brief moment there was a nice path to the door with snow walls and everything, just like from the old Peanuts cartoons. And I was enlightened.

See, this is what happens when people move from warmer environments into those with snow. The cold slows down the synapses until a sort of premature senility sets in, and all of a sudden shovelling the snow becomes a romanticized ritual of the great white north. Soon after they attempt to establish emotional dialogues with polar bears and are generally never heard from again. Those few who survive tend to return to normalcy (or at least their own approximation thereof) on return to their native climes. The first real sign of permanent damage is when they start seeing not just snow but people who resemble old Peanuts cartoons.

Actually you're lucky to have survived as long as you did. Your neighbors, your dear friends, didn't really want to be out shovelling snow. But once you started up, they couldn't help feeling guilty, I mean here it's snowing and all, and even the abo next door is out in his loincloth clearing the sidewalk, how can we be so lazy when someone who six weeks ago had never even heard of snow is being so diligent? So out they went. They smiled and tried to be friendly, but secretly they were looking for a good opportunity to whack your cranium with their shovel until they could go back inside and watch TV until the snow stopped falling a bit.

> Now, if you'll excuse me, there's the lawn to mow. With a scythe.

A scythe? We 'ad to mow the lawn wi' a butterknife!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: "~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>
Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002 08:17:28 -0000

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> wrote:
> ; ASKA!!! IT SNOWS IN ALASKA! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE KNOWN FOR! SNOW!! AND PENGUINS! And those little moose-poop candy dispensors they sell on
> You have penguins?

Yeah, but, when the Exxon Valdez crashed, it killed off all of our native penguin population. So to maintain balance, they flew in rock penguins from Africa. Only trouble is, the carnivores up here don't recognize rock penguins as prey, and since there's nothing to keep their numbers in check, these Africanized penguins are multiplying like crazy. They're all over the place. You open up the closet and they tumble out. They peck at you as you push your way through them to the car. And they get into everything, you open up the flour and theres like six or seven dead rock penguins in it. It's horrible.

They're trying to teach the moose to eat them, but so far they're having only limited success.


From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>

> They're trying to teach the moose to eat them, but so far they're having only limited success.

Is the branch of your family tree that you hang from comprised of Australians?


From: "~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net>

> Is the branch of your family tree that you hang from comprised of Australians?

Ah, but I was able to perpetrate this story to a group of believers on IRC for several weeks, keeping them updated on the progress of our fight against the Africanized killer penguin. At one point, I mentioned that they had started an open catch program on the penguins, and some enterprising Alaskans were even selling penguin jerky and one girl in the channel challenged me on it saying she didn't believe me and I must be lying. I said that they do, indeed, sell penguin jerky, it's in the tourist shops right next to the moose-poop earrings. That solidified her belief that I was lying. However, once I showed her a web page with Alaskan moose-poop earrings, she said that was ok, that I didn't have to spend the time looking for a penguin jerky web site because I was obviously telling the truth.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002 23:12:27 +1000

Al Sharka wrote:
>Is the branch of your family tree that you hang from comprised of Australians?

Now that's just plain unkind!

Mind you, I was about to suggest that ~Steve-o ought to inform the Alaskan Government of the success of the Australian Government in the eradication of the drop bear...

...but I didn't.

--
GW DE Lacey.
Whose liver and white English springer spaniel shudders at the sight of the sickle toothed stabbadaggah.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Hetta <spamtrap.hetta.saunalahti.fi>
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 10:04:33 +0300

"~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> wrote:
> Al Sharka wrote:
> >> However, once I showed her a web page with Alaskan moose-poop earrings,
> > And "she" was telling the truth about actually being a girl, right?
> There are no women on the internet because women don't know how to operate computers.

Oh yes, that's right, our brains overheat.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 22 Oct 2002 02:11:33 GMT

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> said:
> "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>> *checks panties*
>> Nope, no penis.
> It's not Lent already, is it?

Which begs the question: Who'd she lend it to?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies had to buy theirs on lay-away


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 17:49:41 +1100

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> Tough luck. I'm trying to think up a description for RHOD that would fit on, say, a business card.

On one side:
"Rec.humor.oracle.d: for the person who has everything..."

On the other, in fine print:
"...including but not limited to: psychiatric illness, venereal disease, halitosis, leprosy..."

Ian, desperately fearing he has now revised the rhodFAQ.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 19:03:16 -0500

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> Al Sharka wrote:
>>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>> Donald Welsh wrote
>>>>Tough luck. I'm trying to think up a description for RHOD that would fit on, say, a business card.
>>> I'm sure this has been mentioned before.
>>> It's probably the Holy Grail of rhod.
>>Hmmm. Interesting.
>>--
>>RHOD is the Holy Grail of RHOD
>>- Richard Fitzpatrick's business card
> Oh, great. Now my business card is a Klein bottle. Now I know why that contact from the US FTC never called back.
> Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti wonders if a Klein-bottle sex-toy has any inherent dangers.

I don't know if it's dangerous, but it gets you both coming and going.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Tue, 29 Oct 2002 09:48:08 -0700

Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
> I don't know if it's dangerous, but it gets you both coming and going.

I just wanted to step in here and get back to the original topic of the thread for a moment. My neighbor's out vacuuming up the leaves again. It hadn't occurred to me before, but one side effect of this is that it makes the grass stand up with a sort of blow-dried look to it. Very stylish, I suppose, if you're grass.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: "Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com>
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 20:09:27 -0400

"~Steve-o" <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> wrote:
> > Maybe by "operate", he meant "screw around with all the settings
> No no, I meant operate. As in turn on. Make go.

Aw, man ... I tried to give you an out but you just wouldn't take it ... *sigh* ....

> I'm sure he meant it in the nicest possible way, but ever since then I've said that there were no women on the internet because women can't operate computers.

My story is of a former supervisor who, when the company upgraded a number of computers in the office, got the exact same model with the same software as I did. Within a couple months (less actually), his was giving him grief on a daily basis while mine was working as well as any Windows 95 computer could. After observing for awhile, I noticed that he couldn't stay away from the control panel and whenever he told me about the newest problem, he was usually quick to form some kind of conclusion despite his lack of computer knowledge. The problem reports tended to be detailed and emotional with descriptions of all kinds of strange symptoms. I actually asked him once why all of his computer problems sounded like X-Files episodes.

To be fair, I think it had less to do with his gender and more to do with his status as an engineer but that's a whole other can of worms ...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2002 12:00:47 +1000

"Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com> wrote:
> To be fair, I think it had less to do with his gender and more to do with his status as an engineer but that's a whole other can of worms ...

I don't think I've ever seen the status of engineers categorized quite so succinctly before.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 2002 18:38:46 +1000

Hetta wrote ...
>"Andrew Comeau" <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com> wrote:
>> > >The Genital Origami experts are www.puppetryofthepenis.com
>> I'll put that one right next to goatse in my short list of "RHOD Links I Refuse to Follow". Maybe, given enough time, I can start a page for it ...

Come off the grass. Those guys are hilarious for evening after evening and fast becoming an institution. Whereas goatse is just a gross one-trick pony. PotP is really worth seeing, unless you don't like general bodily expertise like gymnastics, diving, statuesquery, mime, ballet, face-dancing, etc.

Yes, that's a value judgement, but valued and judged on having seen Puppetry of the Penis live. And yes, having visited goatse knowing pretty well what to expect.

>I dunno, I find these guys amusing. What's so painful about twisting and pulling a limp penis + add-ons into all sorts of shapes?

They are and as for pain, not much - as long as it is oneself doing the twisting and pulling and not one's lovely assistant, Tina.

>Hetta (... beltbuckle, indeed.)

Heh. She said "beltbuckle".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 05:25:15 GMT

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>I'm sure there's some joke about the goatse one looking like crap in lynx, but I just can't seem to find it in here.
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies notice he isn't looking hard either

Quite limp, in fact.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 2002 18:21:03 +1000

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> I was dating by message.

Dan, about your social life...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 09:49:20 +1100

m_init(): spawning followupTo('Fierce Cookie')...done.
>Donald Welsh wrote:
>> She said the saddest sight she'd seen was a couple in a restaurant, not talking to each other, each playing games on their respective mobile phones. I said, "Hey, at least it's a date."
>It would be sad if they were sending IM to each other while seated together.

Of course, when I was at Uni I was at a terminal in one of the labs, when I got an email that simply read "Look left."

Screwtape,
...Obviously, I had been fairly focussed on whatever I was doing at the time.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2002 07:57:33 +1000

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> Penguins are good. I like penguins.

Well, yes, but only if you cook them properly. They taste a bit like spotted owl.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2002 06:13:11 -0500

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
>> Rumoured to have been inscribed on a tombstone:
>>
>> Here lies the body of John Bride
>> Who fell down a midden and died
>> His brother, James, fell down another
>> And now they lie interred, side-by-side
>> Non-anglophones are welcome to ask questions.
>
> Um. Whoosh-bird time here, and I'd like to think I'm somewhat fluent in English. Is this one of those things that has to be spoken with a particular accent to get?
> Dave "no, really. I don't get it." Hinz

"And now they lie in turd, side-by-side."

...et il crache par terre.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 2002 13:03:55 GMT

Also Sprach Chris Wesling:
> Tom Harrington wrote:
> > Y'see, "midden" has fallen out of use in at least the US version of the English language. Not sure about in Britain. Anyway, it's basically a pile of shit...
> Which makes the line "now they lie interred" a rather nasty pun.

Are RHODPoints still awarded? If so Tom[0] and Chris have earned a positive integral quantity not greater than too many thereof each.

Midden is not in common use in England any more, but it *was* an old gravestone. I think "midden" is now used to refer to a mess or "refuse heap" without any particularly dungy connotations.

The epitaph is taken from [memory, since I don't own a copy, and] "A Small Book of Grave Humour" by Fritz Spiegl (Pan Originals, 1971).

[0] Did I miss the passing of "Tom"?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I return! I think... ow.
From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2002 09:46:47 -0600

TimC wrote:
>Hetta wrote:
>> Sniffnoy the Swordfish <sniffnoy.optonline.net> wrote:
>>> Fnarb!
>> Saneo!
>> Drat!
>I can see this one cascading out of control. USENET will be overrun with postings just saying qnzzvg!

dammit!

A-ha!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Re: Just put a dome over it
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 09:01:22 +1000

Fierce Cookie wrote in message ...
>Viki wrote:
>> Viki, giggling still
>So what sort of liquor does a giggling still produce? Grinning Gin? Riant Rum?

Nah, it's the licker that causes the giggl--#%^#&&#($*&(#$%&* [NO CARRIER]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Advice?
From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 25 Oct 2002 18:36:22 -0600

Brantley Hudson wrote:
>steven wrote:
>> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>>Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.hotmail.com> said:
>>>> GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com> wrote in:
>>>>> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>>>> >Does that go something like this?
>>>>> >***WARNING - GRATUITOUS FOUL LANGUAGE AHEAD***
>>>>> <SNIP (Gratuitous foul language)>----
>>>>> I'd just like to remind our friends over the seas that we Aussies are well bred gentlemen (and indeed, women, of course). What you have just witnessed is an aberration, or a figment if you will, and is in no way representative of what you might find should you decide to brave the drop bears and pay us a visit.
>>>> I'll see you gilding the lily and raise you a German tourist doing the crocodile roll.
>>>I'll see your partner for crocodile rock and raise you a date with Elton John.
>> I'll see your "Dirty Little Girl" and raise you a pair of twins.
>I'll see your Dolly Parton reference and raise you Willie Nelson.

I'll see your wrestling genitalia and raise you a puppet show.


From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>

> I'll see your wrestling genitalia and raise you a puppet show.

I'll see you put your hand up Miss Piggy's ass and raise you a jealous Kermit.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Advice?
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Tue, 29 Oct 2002 13:52:14 -0700

Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> wrote:
> Here's one for you. I saw the following on a package of pepper spray: Effective on people under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and psychotics.

So, if someone's drunk and has been snorting coke, it still doesn't work against them unless there's also an insane person getting on their nerves?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I am eating
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sat, 26 Oct 2002 18:24:07 -0600

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Andrew Comeau <usenetNO.SPAMdrewslair.com> said:
> > Well, as I said, I like Barnie's anyway. I mentioned Starbucks as a well-known alternative.
> Slathering myself with fresh cow-shit or shoving a blow-torch up my ass would be well-known alternatives to turning up the heat in my apartment, but I think I'll just go adjust the radiator.

Well known where? You must have interesting friends.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Survivor V
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 25 Oct 2002 15:24:16 GMT

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> wrote:
> Here in Oz we are slowly catching up with the US on the Survivor: Thailand series (no, Jeff, I don't want any spoilers, thanks all the same).

I'll tell ya. A bunch of annoying people go off to Thailand, do the usual crap, and only one of them finishes the show. Sadly, they all survive.

Dave "Just can't get into it, not that I've tried." Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Uh-oh
From: Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com>
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2002 09:39:40 -0600

Donald Welsh wrote:
> Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>>Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>> Fortunately, I didn't have to look too hard...
>>Sometimes there's no need to add any pants.
> Not so fast, paleface.

DW, that's *not* his face...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: A new game, anyone?
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2002 00:14:33 +1100

(an idea purloined from the Sydney Morning Herald, who lifted it from the Philadelphia Magazine, but I'm sure they won't mind)

Your task?

Change one letter of a well-known statement in a foreign language and provide a definition for the new statement.

Eg:

Harlez-vous Francais - Can you ride a French motorcycle?
Idios Amigos - We're wild and crazy guys!
Quip pro quo - Fast retort
Zitgeist - The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up
Haste cuisine - Takeaway food
Ad pauseum - the remote is stuck
Modum operandi - I am on line
Ich bit ein Berliner - *and* he deserved it


From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>

> Ich bit ein Berliner - *and* he deserved it

Carp deum - Fish for dinner today
Respondez, s'il vous plaid - Answer if you're Scottish
Pierce de resistance - Score!


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)

>Pierce de resistance - Score!

Schadenfraud - *pretending* to take pleasure in another's misfortune.
Bone Voyage - An ocean cruise for archeologists.


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)

>Bone Voyage - An ocean cruise for archeologists.

Esprit d' scalier - I feel like a snake.


From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>

> Pierce de resistance - Score!

For Unix geeks: C'est la vi: That's my text editor.


From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>

> Esprit d' scalier - I feel like a snake.

Toot de suite - play your hotel room like a trumpet
Veni, vidi, vichyssoise - I came, I saw, the soup was cold.
C'est Lovey - It's Mrs. Howell.
C'est logger - He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
Snoozez moi - You wanna sleep with me?
Dunk a Sheen - Careful, Charlie might not know how to swim.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just put a dome over it
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au>
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2002 20:14:34 +1100

Daniel E. Macks wrote ...
>Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.NO.SPAM.webone.com.au> said:
>> Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti wonders if a Klein-bottle sex-toy has any inherent dangers.
>I s'pose if an overly well endowed guy such as myself were to use a blow-up Real-Klein, he might wind up poking himself in the ass.

*blush* Thanks, but I can do that anyway. That most of the time I choose not to is merely my concern that the rest of humanity not get too jealous **cough**

>Kind of a mathematical "go fuck yourself", if you will.

Well, I hear this all the time. Not mathematically, mind you - but graphically nonetheless.

>Of course, this all begs the question of exactly how one goes about inflating an object that has no "inside"...

Given what one Matthew Winn said today in a.h.b-o-u.d regarding crocodile shit, I bet we'd have plenty of volunteers willing to die trying.

>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think that's not the only thing wrong with his proposition

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti thinks that if that's his idea of a proposition, Dan's sex life is no longer a puzzle.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Uh-oh
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: 31 Oct 2002 10:34:51 GMT

Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com> said:
> Donald Welsh wrote:
>> Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>>>Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>>> Fortunately, I didn't have to look too hard...
>>>Sometimes there's no need to add any pants.
>> Not so fast, paleface.
> DW, that's *not* his face...

Ay yes...another victim of Zackly Syndrome.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies *thought* his nose seemed unusually long


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just cruising
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 31 Oct 2002 15:35:38 GMT

"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> Well that's what happens after you tell your wife "you go to bed, honey. I'll just stay up and configure my new Macintosh". She'll say "you can take that new OS and show it up your ass", and next thing you know...
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies assume the correct response is *not* "with this new monitor, now there are *two* flat things around here"

Three, sir.



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