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2003 04 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2003 14:56:06 +1000

One_Pierced_One wrote:
>"Misty Devine" <mdevine3.uwo.ca> wrote:
>> Misty "almighty ruler" Devine
>Umm...how long have you been sniffing glue?

Don't annoy her, or she'll whap you over the knuckles with her almighty ruler.

Screwtape,
...of DOOM!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2003 08:41:20 -0600

"Meagen AKA SailorM" <meagen_stuff.ITS_BRAIN.yahoo.com> wrote:
> "Screwtape" <st.ferd2.thristian.org> wrote
> > Sniffnoy the Swordfish wrote:
> > >Oh yeah. Screwtape and Meagan are going straight to the edge of destruction! I'll knock them into another dimension!
> > Whoa, whoa, whoa. Say what?
> > Screwtape,
> > ...and this Meagan. Is she... nice?
> I dunno. Haven't recieved the "officially certified rhod nice person/girl/meal" stamp yet. I guess the jury's still out.

/me brings the jury back in, and leads them over to Meagen. They stamp on her foot.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: Misty Devine <mdevine3.uwo.ca>
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2003 10:08:52 -0400

Al Sharka wrote:
> Misty Devine wrote:
> > Misty
> > *whose Sea Monkeys are all named Bruce*
> That's just...wrong.
> They should all be named Eric.

Really I feel Fluffy is more appropriate, but they didn't seem to have a preference.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: URL TIME!!!
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2003 23:16:12 -0500

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Misty Devine <mdevine3.uwo.ca> said:
>>davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>>> http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/
>>>Completely work-safe. I assume there is sound to it, but I viewed it in such a way that I was not treated to it.
>>You need to hear the sound man. It really intensifies the experience.
> So does using a shotgun instead, vs simply firing a rifle up one's ass.

You know, Dan, these occasional glimpses into your lifestyle are really disturbing.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Frightening and confusing
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Wed, 02 Apr 2003 13:35:34 +1000

Sniffnoy the Swordfish <sniffnoy.optonline.net> wrote:
> -Sniffnoy, who looked up the Joel Furr's own FAQ about himself and sees no mention of such...

Interestingly, I suppose this means he did take our advice to go FAQ himself.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More Time Travel...an ad this time (binary)
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 4 Apr 2003 08:58:05 +1000

Tom Harrington wrote:
> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au> wrote:
>> Of course - that was about twelve months after they circumcised you, wasn't it? You were so traumatised you could walk or talk for a year.
>That's what typically happens-- right after the snip, they jump up onto their feet and walk away, and keep walking day and night for a year.

Well, except for the ones who look sit up and start spouting witty social commentary and barbed criticism of current political leaders incessantly for a year.

Oddly, no traumatised infants ever do both.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More Time Travel...an ad this time (binary)
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 2 Apr 2003 20:15:23 GMT

One_Pierced_One <1_pierced_1.cheapcunt.net> wrote:
> "Misty Devine" <mdevine3.uwo.ca> wrote:
>> I've got a job interview Friday. At Trojan. I will let you know.....
> Tester?

DAERTA "Taster?"?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Chranna
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Wed, 02 Apr 2003 08:01:00 +1000

I'm leaving tomorrow for a conference in Toronto followed by a couple of days in NYC at the end of next week. My contributions to rhod might be sporadic (more so than usual) over that time, so I'll catch up when I'm back.

What's the weather like there at the moment? TWC indicates it's a bit nippy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Chranna
From: ian.davis.ludwig.edu.au (Ian Davis)
Date: 7 Apr 2003 14:04:25 -0700

So, here I am in NYC. A brief account of my adventures so far seems in order.

Left home 9am on Thurs April 3. Blahdyblahdyblah, flyflyfly, made it to Toronto aboat (note adoption of local terminology, eh) 8.30 pm Thurs local time. I note that it's rather snowy, apparently unseasonally so even for Toronto.

Lady at Immigration: "Purpose of visit?"
Me: "Business."
LaI: "What sort of business?"
M: "Conference."
LaI: "Oh, not that big cancer conference? I think that's been cancelled."

Sure enough, AACR with expected 16,000 delegates was cancelled due to fear of SARS. An email was sent the day I left - not quite enough notice for delegates travelling halfway around the world. My office tried to contact me in LA but Air Canada does not seem to have a working voice paging service there. If I had known, I could have gone direct to NYC and this story would be rather shorter.

Instead I'm in Toronto, a very nice hotel where the staff seemed extremely pleased to see me since the hotel was echoing with cancelled bookings. I called the office and arranged a flight to NYC at 9am Friday. Overnight weather: 1-2" of freezing rain. I do recommend the Fairmont Royal York, one of the most comfortable hotel beds I've ever slept in.

The airport, early Friday. Very busy, long queues. I get my boarding pass and go through customs. Wait. Wait. Hmm. 9am flight is cancelled. I move quickly and book on the 1pm flight. Wait. Wait. An explosion of red cancellations hits the screens - all flights Friday are cancelled.

The reason? Toronto airport has run out of de-icing fluid. Toronto. Canada. Frozen planes. No de-icing fluid. In fact they did have some, but they had used 30 days worth in 24 hours. Oddly enough, international flights were allowed to leave. I thought USA was international, it certainly seemed so with all the customs and immigration stuff, but there you are.

I book a seat on the 9am flight for Saturday, get my luggage from customs (piled three deep since all cancelled flights came out on the same carousel) and go back to the hotel. They are happy to see me, what nice people. The Air Canada web site says that supplies are coming in from Chicago and all will be well on Saturday. Well, if they say so...

I check the web site around 8pm: flight AC704 cancelled. Panic sets in. I spend the next three hours on the phone trying to get through to Air Canada, without success. The concierge has a secret number and much to my amazement AC calls me back. The only seat is a business class seat at 2pm and did I want to pay to upgrade? Cost is by now irrelevant, I am happy to pay whatever they want (it was only about 90 bucks anyway). I also have a standby seat on the 1pm flight - yeah, right.

The hotel fails to pick up my breakfast order overnight so I check out hungry. I get to the airport early again as I know it will be bedlam - I was right. I queue for two hours to pay for my ticket and then go through customs again. That's OK, I'm in the lounge this time. Wait. Wait. All is well. I start to relax. At 1130 I check the monitor in time to see my flight change to cancelled. I run to the desk and see the screen go redredredred - everything is cancelled. Because I have moved quickly I score a seat on the 9am flight on Sunday (and the 10am - this is called belts-and-braces). I am not confident, having now had five flights cancelled out from under me.

Customs again, get the bag - takes a while since it's not on the carousel they said it would be. I stay at an airport hotel in a non-smoking room reeking of cigarette smoke, so much so that I can not sleep. I get up at 5.30 and go to the airport. All is well, it's cold but clear and will be a nice sunny day. I say hello to all my old friends in the customs queue (passengers and staff), we've been through a lot together. The flight boards from gate Q at 0825.

I wait. I wait. I check the screens every five minutes. Everything is going...no, wait, a cancellation...no, another one...no, a couple more...pretty soon there are more cancelled than open flights. Mine is not on the screen yet but the desk lady, who is sick of seeing me by now, keeps telling me it is on time. I've heard this song before.

Eventually I can't stand it any more and at 0830 I go down to the gate. No aircraft. No staff. No sign on the screen at the gate saying this is the LGA flight, but the monitors say it's on time. I wait and wait, no change. At 0845 I check the monitor again. It's unchanged, but the column labeled "podium" makes me wonder because it says "A" and another flight later in the morning says "Q" in that column. WTF is a podium? There's no desk here. No, says a passing droid, don't know what "podium" means, maybe that's where you go to ask questions, but flight 704 is at gate A. So I go down to the exact opposite end of the terminal and much to my amazement there is an aeroplane there with the right details on it. I get on. We taxi. We leave the ground. I finally exhale, and clap loudly.

An hour later I have reached civilisation in the form of La Guardia airport. Never before has New York seemed so much like home. My bag is the third one out. I reach the hotel about noon. "The room is not ready sir, that's OK, I'll upgrade you." Hmm, key doesn't fit lock and it stinks of smoke up here. Back down. "No, that was a mistake, that's a smoking room. I'll upgrade you." I am currently sitting in a suite the size of Rhode Island.

The moral of the story? Never again should any of us use the phrase, "Not till hell freezes over." I've been there. It's already happened. Instead, say, "Not till hell has sufficient de-icing fluid."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Chranna
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 21:33:24 +0000 (UTC)

Ian Davis <ian.davis.ludwig.edu.au> said:
> Sure enough, AACR with expected 16,000 delegates was cancelled due to fear of SARS. An email was sent the day I left - not quite enough notice for delegates travelling halfway around the world.

Yah, a goodly fraction of my building was gonna go as well, and is now in various shades of getting-reimbursed and/or getting-screwed. I was out of town (in a different direction) during the weekend, so I missed the whole mess.

> The airport, early Friday. Very busy, long queues. I get my boarding pass and go through customs. Wait. Wait. Hmm. 9am flight is cancelled. I move quickly and book on the 1pm flight. Wait. Wait. An explosion of red cancellations hits the screens - all flights Friday are cancelled.

I've been scrod like this many times...usually wound up taking the train (I've never gotten that bad in Chrana, but IIRC, it's about 11-13 hours there to NYC).

> The moral of the story? Never again should any of us use the phrase, "Not till hell freezes over." I've been there. It's already happened.

And you think it was purely coincidental that the Hell Olympics was just holding the "lick a fire hydrant" event?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if it was coincidence that just as he stepped into the shower, the weatherman said we'd be seeing nine inches today


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Chranna
From: Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com>
Date: Tue, 08 Apr 2003 12:01:56 -0500

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if it was coincidence that just as he stepped into the shower, the weatherman said we'd be seeing nine inches today

I believe the warning label goes:
"Objects in mirror may appear larger than actual size".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Chranna
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Tue, 08 Apr 2003 12:11:15 -0600

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if it was coincidence that just as he stepped into the shower, the weatherman said we'd be seeing nine inches today

Your fish wasn't surprised that the weatherman was in the shower with you?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Chranna
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Mon, 07 Apr 2003 17:46:58 -0600

ian.davis.ludwig.edu.au (Ian Davis) wrote:
[snip true tales of agony]
> The reason? Toronto airport has run out of de-icing fluid. Toronto. Canada. Frozen planes. No de-icing fluid. In fact they did have some, but they had used 30 days worth in 24 hours. Oddly enough, international flights were allowed to leave. I thought USA was international, it certainly seemed so with all the customs and immigration stuff, but there you are.

We annexed 'em while they were out ice fishing. Keep it quiet, most of them don't know yet.

It's interesting that they apparently didn't care if flights to other nations were leaving on overloaded ice-encrusted bricks that had only passing resemblance to airplanes...

[snip]
> I check the web site around 8pm: flight AC704 cancelled. Panic sets in. I spend the next three hours on the phone trying to get through to Air Canada, without success. The concierge has a secret number and much to my amazement AC calls me back. The only seat is a business class seat at 2pm and did I want to pay to upgrade? Cost is by now irrelevant, I am happy to pay whatever they want (it was only about 90 bucks anyway). I also have a standby seat on the 1pm flight - yeah, right.

And of course that was 90 Canadian bucks, which works out to about fifty cents in US money, or roughly $6000 Australian.

[snip]
> Customs again, get the bag - takes a while since it's not on the carousel they said it would be. I stay at an airport hotel in a non-smoking room reeking of cigarette smoke, so much so that I can not sleep.

Right, but was the room actually smoking at the time? I don't think so!

[snip]
> An hour later I have reached civilisation in the form of La Guardia airport.

Now wait a minute! I've been to La Guardia; you can't tell me it's civilized, I know better.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Chranna
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au>
Date: Tue, 8 Apr 2003 19:04:23 +1000

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote ...
> Ian Davis said:
> ; I am currently sitting in a suite the size of Rhode Island.
> Total area, or just the dry parts?

The entire state. It has a *big* spa.

Of course the spa is off-limits to Ian now, since the little incident with the Nantucket whalers in the next room and a shattered longboat.
--
Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti has got yer 'arpoon roight 'ere, Matey.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Chranna
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au>
Date: Tue, 8 Apr 2003 19:38:20 +1000

Ian Davis wrote...
> Left home 9am on Thurs April 3... made it to Toronto aboat 8.30 pm Thurs local time. I note that it's rather snowy, apparently unseasonally so even for Toronto.

Now, there is a hint. I have only been to Toronto twice[1] - that level of snow would have had me reaching for the Greyhound or ViaRail/Amtrak timetable.

> I'm in Toronto, a very nice hotel... I do recommend the Fairmont Royal York...

Of course, it's a *Fairmont*, you peasant.

> Toronto airport has run out of de-icing fluid. Toronto. Canada. Frozen planes. No de-icing fluid. In fact they did have some, but they had used 30 days worth in 24 hours.

Imagine if all those planes hadn't been scared off by SARS...

> Oddly enough, international flights were allowed to leave. I thought USA was international, it certainly seemed so with all the customs and immigration stuff, but there you are.

What part of "world's longest undefended international border" did you misparse?

> ...the column labelled "podium" makes me wonder... ...WTF is a podium?

Up on the presidential pod-ee-um, I say "Now who dooooooooo, who do you think you're foolin'?"

> An hour later I have reached civilisation in the form of La Guardia airport.

Did I say peasant? Sorry, I meant hick. Hayseed. Yokel. Even... tch, tch, tch... ocker.

> The moral of the story? Never again should any of us use the phrase, "Not till hell freezes over." I've been there. It's already happened. Instead, say, "Not till hell has sufficient de-icing fluid."

Heh. Even better than the old thermodynamics exam joke...

[1] The Canajun one, that is. The NSW one only once.

--
Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti would throw snowballs in Hell, given the chance.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Oracle replies!
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 7 Apr 2003 20:13:34 GMT

Kegs wrote:
> Something funny. -Al Sharka being lame on rhod

I'm overwhelmed by the layers of redundancy in that attribution.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Oracle replies!
From: Eli the Bearded <*.eli.users.panix.com>
Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2003 18:43:06 +0000 (UTC)

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> said:
>> Eli the Bearded wrote:
>>> In rec.humor.oracle.d, Glenn P., <C128User@FVI.Net> wrote:
>>>> From: "Glenn P.," <C128User@FVI.Net>
>>>> Sender: C128User@FVI.Net
>>>> Reply-To: "Glenn P.," <C128User@FVI.Net>
>>>> Return-Path: "Glenn P.," <C128User@FVI.Net>
>>>> Errors-To: "Glenn P.," <C128User@FVI.Net>
>>>> Disposition-Notification-To: "Glenn P.," <C128User@FVI.Net>
>>>> Disposition-Notification: "Glenn P.," <C128User@FVI.Net>
>>>> Return-Receipt-To: "Glenn P.," <C128User@FVI.Net>
>>>> Return-Receipt: "Glenn P.," <C128User@FVI.Net>
>>>> Receipt-To: "Glenn P.," <C128User@FVI.Net>
>>>> Receipt: "Glenn P.," <C128User@FVI.Net>
>>> So, is your email address C128User@FVI.Net? And what Commodore 128 software do you use that adds all those headers?
>> Pine, mind you. I didn't even know you could configure pine to spew up so much!
> Don't mind Eli...he's just needling you.

I wood like to object to the needless puns.

Elijah
------
should remember not to ash stupid questions here


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Please excuse the newbie.
From: "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net>
Date: Thu, 10 Apr 2003 21:14:33 GMT

"Tom Harrington" <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote
: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
: > Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au> said:
: > > Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote
: > >> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au> wrote:
: > >> > A nerbalist of world renown who *may* have inadvertently fallen foul of "zero tolerance" idiocy http://www.helsinki-hs.net/news.asp?id=20030317IE7
: > >> Yowza. However Hetta recently announced her x0th birthday, while the person abused by US immigration is supposed to be 33. So I don't think it was our token Finn, but some other unfortunate one...
: > > Oh, go and spoil a good rumour-seed with the facts, why don't you?
: > > And how ungallant to draw attention to the distinction in the ladies' ages...
: > How is it ungallant to note that Hetta just turned 30?
: I thought she was 20.

Buncha suck-ups.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Please excuse the newbie.
From: Sniffnoy the Swordfish <sniffnoy.optonline.net>
Date: Thu, 10 Apr 2003 22:20:56 GMT

Tom Harrington wrote:
> I thought she was 20.

20? You sure? I was positive it was 10...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Please excuse the newbie.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2003 13:18:58 +1000

Donald Welsh wrote:
> Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
>>Hetta recently announced her x0th birthday ...
>That's a nice age. I'll be x1 soon.

I can only assume you both come from a planet that uses at least a base-34 number system.

Screwtape,
...for the non-math majors, that makes their ages 1122 and 1123 respectively.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Please excuse the newbie.
From: "One_Pierced_One" <One_Pierced_One.cheapcunt.net>
Date: Thu, 10 Apr 2003 23:28:29 GMT

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote
> Dude...it's a hot-tub of butter, not a kiddie-pool.
> At least I *hope* that's why it's yellowish.

Sorry! My bad...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Please excuse the newbie.
From: Kegs <me.privacy.net>
Date: 15 Apr 2003 16:13:52 +0100

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes:
> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> > Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.hotmail.com> said:
> > > Tom Harrington wrote ...
> > >> Is that you, Biggles?
> > > Yes indeed, it is I. What ho, Algy old fruit! How are your dear mater and pater these days? Still floggin the peasants up on The Manour, eh what?
> > That's it. Time to pack up Australia and send it back to its home planet.
> That'd be the planet UK in this case, since I don't believe Biggles was from Oz. :-)

Indeed, you can tell, its subtle things like Biggles not appearing in a string vest with a fag[1] hanging out of the corner of his mouth and a tinnie in hand looking like he had a hangover gnome sitting on top of his head.

The fact that he thought the sheep were for eating as part of the sunday roast, rather than for entertainment on a saturday night tends to give it away too, it rules out welshness as well.

[1] Not not that kind, the other kind


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Please excuse the newbie.
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2003 19:23:14 +0000 (UTC)

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
> Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>> "Meagen AKA SailorM" wrote:
>> > Hey, that's right... no, don't tell me, let me guess.
>> > alt.games.tombraider, right? : )
>> Who is Tom? Our very own Tom "Tom"? And what exactly is it on his person that is being br...
>> Oh. OH! Nevermind.
>> -- Al, Ouch. Doesn't sound like a very fun game to me. DMP, OTOH...

Penis origami!

> You misunderstand. It's not "Tombraided", it's "Tombraider". It's a game where I'm the main character, and the player goes around braiding things.
> Come to think of it, it's not very fun after all.

Well you don't think Ian's hair just braids itself, do you?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like how he giggles


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: dsewell.virginia.edu (David Sewell)
Date: Sat, 12 Apr 2003 13:37:42 +0000 (UTC)

Janis Joplin, as channeled by Donald Rumsfeld.

Just thought I'd get the meme out,

--from another untidy evildoer

David Sewell


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 14:42:28 +0100

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> writes
>CB wrote:
>> David Sewell wrote
>>> <subject line>
>>> Janis Joplin, as channeled by Donald Rumsfeld.
>>> Just thought I'd get the meme out,
>> hehehe...nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free...
>Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
>but ya gotta have somthin'
>if ya wanna become freed.

It may be because Mrs Molerat recently acquired the soundtrack to "Chicago", that the whole business put me in mind of a number from that show instead...

BANDLEADER: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Dubya Bush and the Press Conference Rag! Notice how his mouth never moves - like his brain scan.

[George W steps up to the microphone with a Tony Blair glove puppet, whose lyrics he performs in a squeaky, falsetto voice.]

PRESS CORPS: Mister Premier...
DUBYA (as Tony): Call me Tony.
PRESS CORPS: Why'd you come here?
DUBYA (as Tony): For the war.
PRESS CORPS: What's the object?
DUBYA (as Tony): Save Iraqis.
DUBYA (as himself): But if Saddam'd just disarmed
He could've gone on doin' them harm.
PRESS CORPS: And the next stop?
DUBYA (as Tony): The UN.
PRESS CORPS: For a second...?
DUBYA (as Tony): Resolution.
PRESS CORPS: Did you get it?
DUBYA (as Tony): Very nearly.
DUBYA (as himself): Then there was a small set-back...
DUBYA (as Tony): Stabbed in the back by Jacques Chirac!
REPORTER (speaks): Oh, you poor man! We can't imagine what it must be like, having to live next door to the French! And you, a world leader! But tell us, Tony...
PRESS CORPS: Your next move was...?
DUBYA (as Tony): Mobilize an...
PRESS CORPS: International...?
DUBYA (as Tony): Coalition.
PRESS CORPS: Who was in it?
DUBYA (as Tony): Me and Dubya.
DUBYA (as himself): But there were others there as well,
The good luck card from Spain was swell.
PRESS CORPS: The inspectors?
DUBYA (as Tony): Didn't find squat.
PRESS CORPS: Are there bombs there?
DUBYA (as Tony): By the million.
PRESS CORPS: And the proof is?
DUBYA (as Tony): Non-existent.
DUBYA (as himself): But he's an Arab, like Osam--
DUBYA (as Tony): a, so we both went for Saddam.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, we both,
Oh yes, we both,
Oh yes, we both went for
Saddam, Saddam, Saddam, Saddam,
Oh yes, we both went for Saddam,
For Saddam.
PRESS CORPS: Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both,
Oh yes, they both,
Oh yes, they both went for
Saddam, Saddam, Saddam, Saddam,
Oh yes, they both went for Saddam,
For Saddam.
DUBYA (as himself): Unassailable, unassailable,
Yes, the logic is unassailable.
I'm so statesmanlike, truly statesmanlike,
Not a bit second-rate, man, like
I'm heaps more great than Ike.
PRESS CORPS: What's the war plan?
DUBYA (as Tony): I get Basra.
PRESS CORPS: And a share of...?
DUBYA (as Tony): Post-war contracts.
PRESS CORPS: Are you worried?
DUBYA (as Tony): Are you kidding?
I don't fear Iraqi tanks,
DUBYA (as himself): He gets more men shot by the Yanks.
PRESS CORPS: So?
DUBYA (as Tony): Never mess with...
PRESS CORPS: What?
DUBYA (as Tony): Nukes and Sarin...
PRESS CORPS: And?
DUBYA (as Tony): And the friends of...
PRESS CORPS: Who?
DUBYA (as Tony): Uncle Sam.
PRESS CORPS: And what?
DUBYA (as Tony): That's advice that...
PRESS CORPS: Yeah?
DUBYA (as Tony): Comes in handy...
PRESS CORPS: When?
DUBYA (as Tony): When we both went for Saddam!
REPORTER: Unimpeachable, unimpeachable,
PRESS CORPS: Both their motives are unimpeachable.
REPORTER: Justifiable, justifiable,
PRESS CORPS: Yes, it's quite undeniable,
They're certifiable!
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both,
Oh yes, they both,
Oh yes, they both went for...
DUBYA (as himself): Let Don hear ya!
PRESS CORPS: Saddam, Saddam, Saddam, Saddam,
Oh yes, they both went for Saddam,
For Saddam.
DUBYA (as himself): A bit more hawkish!
PRESS CORPS: Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both,
Oh yes, they both,
Oh yes, they both went for
Saddam, Saddam, Saddam, Saddam,
Oh yes, they both went for Saddam,
For Saddam.
DUBYA (as himself): I'm going after Syria next!
PRESS CORPS: Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both,
Oh yes, they both,
Oh yes, they both went for
Saddam, Saddam, Saddam, Saddam,
Saddam, Saddam, Saddam, Saddam,
Saddam, Saddam, Saddam, Saddam,
Saddam, Saddam, Saddam, Saddam,
DUBYA (as himself): Both went fo-o-or Sa-a-addam!

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*----Loyally supporting Our Boys and Our Cluster Bombs--


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 18:35:39 +0100

GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.lusersgohome.aunz.com> writes
>Yet another Molerat classic
>How do you cure carpet burns from rolling on the floor?

Have you tried throwing a bucket of cold water over them? It works on dogs.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*-Mind you, so does tying them to a sleigh and yelling--
--*-----*--"Mush!" but I wouldn't recommend that in this instance--


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: ossipewsk.hotmail.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
Date: 14 Apr 2003 19:35:08 -0700

Kevin S. Wilson <rescyou.spro.net> wrote:
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> >Kevin S. Wilson wrote...
> >> Kevin S. Wilson
> >> Tech Writer at a University Somewhere in Idaho
> >"Bloody"? Is that *you*?
> I'm funnier, smarter, and prettier than that sad wanker.

Wow. Can I marry you?

You didn't have to gild the lily, y'know - I'd have settled for two out of three. As long as one of the two was "prettier", that is.

Hey - I'm not *fussy* but I'm *choosy*.

> But thanks for asking.

De nada.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Important People
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 19:56:29 +1000

Henriette Kress wrote:
>Over here, there's things like "Aleksis Kivi day", "Sibelius day", and the like. The 'mercans mumble about "Columbus day" and similar, too. In fact, most countries honor their formerly important luminaries by giving them a day.
>So I just found out that there's the Hettangian Age. It's in the Mesozoic Era, Jurassic Period, Lias Epoch. It was 205.7 to 201.9 million years ago.
>That is, it lasted 3.8 million _years_.
>Now, what I want to know, how did they know just how important I am, back when they named this age?

What I want to know is, why did they spend 3.8 million years trying to build things out of you?

Screwtape,
...before they discovered things like, oh, I don't know, stone, iron, bronze, that sort of thing.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Important People
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 15:02:53 +0100

Henriette Kress <spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net> writes
>So I just found out that there's the Hettangian Age. It's in the Mesozoic Era, Jurassic Period, Lias Epoch. It was 205.7 to 201.9 million years ago.
>That is, it lasted 3.8 million _years_.
>Now, what I want to know, how did they know just how important I am, back when they named this age?

You don't want to believe anything they tell you about that epoch - it's
all a bunch of lias.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
---Who sometimes feels we're currently living in the Elbonian Era--



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