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2003 08 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2003 13:16:15 +0000 (UTC)

TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> said:
> Damn my email inbox though. I am really going to have to investigate spamassasin or somesuch some time soon. Damn it! My breasts are already large enough!

Your penis, on the other hand...

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if there's *anyone* alive in the Nigerian government


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
From: David Scully <dbscully.hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2003 15:56:41 +0100

MikeyD wrote:
> > IHNC, IJLS "65537-gon".
> Yes, it is possible to construct a regular 65537-gon with just straightedge and compass. Not only that, but after a drunken bet some mathematician spent ten years of his life writing out the method for doing it. His work is locked in a large oak chest at some german university (I've forgotten which).

Makes you wonder how many experiments are the result of alcoholic bravado.

"So, so... are you saying that I *can't* grow a, a, whaddayacallit, human ear on a mouse? Right, that's it, someone bring me a petri dish and a mouse embryo, I'll show you what's what."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: fun medical equipment (URL)
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2003 21:26:38 GMT

"Asidonhopo" <ossipewsk-SPAM.BLOCK-hotmail.com> wrote:
> Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean ghoti will be back in Canberra a week later than planned, owing to bro-in-law's unwise decision to receive a depressed skull fracture the day before we were due to leave.

You *told* him. "Don't nag," you said. "That's *my* beer," you said. "Put the gun down," you said. But would he listen, nooooo.....


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Best Legal Document Ever
From: sc.pffcu.com
Date: 1 Aug 2003 13:20:08 GMT

Jack-o <arewe486.hotmail.com> wrote:
> so how bad is this?
> your girlfriend asks,"so, do you have any fantasies?" and when you really should say either "no" or "only about you" you propose exploring the truth by saying, "well...yeah...but they're really pretty dirty..." and she says, "you can tell me..." and then you do and then she SCREAMS "OH THAT IS JUST SO *DISGUSTING*!"
> unless of course you're into abuse and humiliation, understand that Truth per se is inherently devoid of value.
> how long can you uphold your oath of silence while watching LifeTime? (and later, Teletubbies? actually i find the tubbies rather soothing...)

Jack, you really could have asked the Oracle this. But never mind.

The answer is that you should go to your grave with your lips sealed and those naughty, naughty thoughts locked up in a deep dark corner of your mind. Because when you die and go to Hell (oh, don't worry) you will find that you have been assigned 40 assuredly non-virgins who are quite capable with videotape and feather dusters. It's their punishment, of course, but it's to your benefit, because as you'll remember,

the devil is a man.

--
sc
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Best Legal Document Ever
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2003 22:33:48 +0000 (UTC)

Jack-o <arewe486.hotmail.com> said:
> "Daniel Parker" <dmparker.dmparker.com> wrote:
>> "Jack-o" <arewe486.hotmail.com> wrote:
>> > how long can you uphold your oath of silence while watching LifeTime? (and later, Teletubbies? actually i find the tubbies rather soothing...)
>> You are a sick sick man.
>> And Tinky Winky is gay.
> and what's *that* to you? mmmm....kay.....

A somewhat-perverted fantasy. Why do you ask?

Maybe he just likes hearing 'im scream "again again!"?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have a hot date with Nu-Nu


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Best Legal Document Ever
From: Timothy W Chew <twchew_raspberry..mindsring.com>
Date: Tue, 05 Aug 2003 07:18:02 -0400

"Daniel Parker" <dmparker.dmparker.com> wrote:
>You are a sick sick man.
>And Tinky Winky is gay.

But Drinky-Winky is NOT an abusive drunk. That's just his majic bottle, and whenever he drinks from it, his problems go away.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I need your child-like minds
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Mon, 4 Aug 2003 19:45:08 +0000 (UTC)

Ben Fisher <benjaminx.l.fisher.spambuster.intel.com> said:
> Next week I am the youth leader for 12 to 14-year-olds (about 16 of 'em) at family camp. I expect that they will be hanging out in my campsite quite a bit. I'd like to have some low-key, multi-day project or projects to stem the boredom. Any ideas? I already thought of frendship bracelets, so think of something else.

Day 1: campfires. Talk about safety (clearing other flammables, rock line, no lighter fluid on an already-burning fire,etc.) and methods of construction (box vs. teepee, why split-log/peeled vs. full-bark, starter log vs. paper+kindling+small-branches vs. chemical accellerants). Divide into groups to each build a fire (winner for highest flames, fastest group to build, longest-lasting, whatever). Roast the losers over the winner's fire.

Day 2: nature hunt. Talk about different kinds of trees (canopy vs. low-level, ones that use others for support, growing around obstacles, etc.) and rocks'n'minerals. Divide into groups to bring back diverse stuff. Winner for most species of leaves, most different kinds of rocks, biggest tiger, etc. Stone the losers for disturbing the natural environment but not even doing it well.

Similar activities could be devised for hole-digging, slipknot-tying, and bow-and-arrow construction.

> I plan to run them ragged on the dunes at night. Does anyone remember how to play Kick The Can?

Dunno that one, but gaga is a good dodge-like game, as is let's-beat-the-crap-out-of-the-wusses.

dan, whose bright red Siasese fighting fishies are glad he stopped working at camps before he got bitter


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I need your child-like minds
From: "Daniel Parker" <dmparker.dmparker.com>
Date: Tue, 05 Aug 2003 08:23:31 GMT

"Ben Fisher" <benjaminx.l.fisher.spambuster.intel.com> wrote:
> Next week I am the youth leader for 12 to 14-year-olds (about 16 of 'em) at family camp. I expect that they will be hanging out in my campsite quite a bit. I'd like to have some low-key, multi-day project or projects to stem the boredom. Any ideas? I already thought of frendship bracelets, so think of something else.
> I plan to run them ragged on the dunes at night. Does anyone remember how to play Kick The Can?

OK I don't if you're serious or not, and since no one has told you how...here's my recall of Kick the Can:

One person is "It" (play Meanie Miney Moe)
There is a Can placed in the middle of the field gaurded by "It"
Players try to draw "It" away from the can, or kick the can
If "It" tags out everyone the first person tagged out is "It" next time around
If someone kicks the can without getting tagged they are "free"

Here's my recall of "Spotlight" a similiar game.

One person with a very bright flashlight is "It"
"It" sits in the middle of the field
Players run around a course that encircles or partially encircles "It"
Players make their way from one hiding spot to another without being Spotlighted by "It"
"It" has to spotlight a player and call out their actual name for it to be counted.
First person called out is "It" next time
If a player completes the course they're free

Spin the Bottle, another kind of tag

Players all sit in a circle
A bottle is placed on its side in the middle of the circle
The bottle is spun
Once the bottle stops spinning note placement of top and bottom
The two people indicated are "It" and have to do "It" in full view of the players
In this game "It" can be two men, a man and a woman, or preferably two women
In this game the other "It" can be a hug, a kiss, a kiss with tongue, a fondle, a dry hump, oral sex, a friggin', fucking, etc.
12-14 is the ideal age for the kiss version...

How to Play Beat Up The Poor Kid as I can best remember

The poorest kid is identified and pointed out as "It"
All the other players proceed to beat up "It" until they tire of the game
In the next round "it" is the smelliest kid, the fattest kid, the ugliest kid, the dumbest kid, the slowest kid, the gayest kid, etc. As long as its always Johnny Stark cause no one likes him and his dog has mange.

Hope these popular games help...later I'll detail some of the more popular adult games and how they might be modified to be played by children, things like "accusing the spouse of having an affiar to deflect attention from my own indescretions", "finding a prostitute and burying her body in the sand dunes after having raped and tortured her to death, just like we used to do at Christmas back home", or the ever popular "yelling at the guy who takes my order at the fast food resturants because I'm pissed that he has a job, I don't, and I'm just that kind of petty asshole."

Daniel "I am just about to put my grandmother in a nursing home because someone wrote her anonymous letter that detailed all the other grandchildren's homosexual affairs and she wrote them out of the will, and dammit the old woman just won't die at her own home" Parker


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I need your child-like minds
From: Ben Fisher <benjaminx.l.fisher.spambuster.intel.com>
Date: Tue, 05 Aug 2003 10:19:35 -0700

Daniel Parker wrote:
> OK I don't if you're serious or not, and since no one has told you
> how...here's my recall of Kick the Can:

Don't the kids that It catches have to go to jail? And if someone can kick the can, everyone goes free.

> Here's my recall of "Spotlight" a similiar game.
> One person with a very bright flashlight is "It"
> "It" sits in the middle of the field

This sounds like another good one. I don't think the next two will go over with the parents, since this is *supposed* to be a church related event. And, since whole families are camping together, people may start to talk.

Some kids just can't keep quiet, no matter how tight the ropes are.

Ben
trying to remember the dirty camp songs from his youth.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I need your child-like minds
From: Ben Fisher <benjaminx.l.fisher.spambuster.intel.com>
Date: Tue, 05 Aug 2003 10:29:03 -0700

Viki wrote:
> "Ben Fisher" wrote:
> : Next week I am the youth leader for 12 to 14-year-olds (about 16 of 'em)
> : at family camp. I expect that they will be hanging out in my campsite
> Boys? Girls? Does it matter?

Both

> How about giving them a box with a bunch of old clothes in it and have them write, produce, and direct a play of some sort. The project could take quite a while, with first getting ideas and then filling out a story, then actual distributing of parts, etc. A performance will be required.

That might work!

> Don't remember KTK, but how about stick ball? or football/soccer?
> Bring decks of cards, too. Teach em poker, even.

Red M&Ms are 1, Blue are 5, and Green are 10. 5 card draw, Jacks or better to open. Once your bag of M&Ms is gone, you have to use clothing.

Ben
or spoons. Remember spoons. I bet I could make up some rules for strip spoons.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Any UFies here?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2003 18:16:46 +0000 (UTC)

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> said:
> God Rudy said:
> ; UF has been switching servers lately and causing some grief but it is back to "normal" now.
> Only if "normal" results in this error:
>| Network Error
>| Unable to read URL from host www.userfriendly.org: no response from server
> I have two access points, separated by both geography and network topography (remote host I ssh into). Neither one can reach www.userfriendly.org by ping or traceroute.
> ; If you need the older strips, read them online ...
> Oh, that's fantastic advice to someone who can't get to the frelling site!

Bummer. Have you talked to their web admins? You can find their contact info at http://www.userfriendly.org/contact/

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies kick 'em while they're down


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Any UFies here?
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2003 21:29:49 GMT

Daniel Glick <news.danielglick.com> wrote:
> > I see your sigmonster has achieved sentience, too.
> Sorry, but the proper term is "sentient-ism." I learned that from a Fundie I was debating with the other day.

I don't like sentients, and I won't tolerate them.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Schrodinger's Iraq
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2003 04:50:05 +0000 (UTC)

René Torenstra <r_torenstra.NOSPAMhotmail.com> said:
> Not to mention the fact that we will never reach him, due to the fact that if we walk halfway towards him, and again, and again - the distance will decrease but ever be > 0.

Why don't we just aim at a target twice as far away?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to go hunting with some statisticians


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Schrodinger's Iraq
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2003 17:25:59 +0100

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> writes
>Inner_Child_In_Charge said:
>; I was sitting here at community service enjoying a moment of deep contemplative thought, which from the outside might have appeared to look a lot like sleeping, and I had an epiphany.
>Did it hurt?

This was my first reaction also. Epiphany always sounds to me like a posh word for wedgie. No wonder the scales fell from St Paul's eyes.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----who invariably breakfasts at Epiphany's--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Schrodinger's Iraq
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2003 08:48:01 +0100

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> writes
>Also Sprach Ian Davis:
>> Ian "You're sure she didn't go to the Caribbean?" Davis
>No, but I heard that Richard's wife was a rich, dark, fruit cake containing glace cherries and decorated with almonds.

You're thinking of the lady I was previously engaged to, an exotic dancer named Jamaica Ginger Rogers. When I met Mrs Molerat, it was a case of suggesting, "Have some madeira, m'dear."

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----Anybody making a crack about having my cake---
--*-----*--*----*---and eating it is taking his life in his hands--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ping Pong, Matrix style
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2003 17:53:18 -0600

bambi16f.lycos.com (bambi16f) wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> wrote:
> > Yes, it's a Windows Media streaming file.
> > mms://wmt-od.stream.ne.jp/ntv/hkzkt/hkzkt10.wmv
> SF film has suffered. Even in the land of the rising Godzilla. The Matrix combined with Pong? Appalling!
> Now, if a sequel to Tron, played out in, say, Discworld, were to incorporate Spamcop trying to bring Spamasassin to justice--now how would you like that?
> Or if the Tour du France were subjected to Dark City-style changes to the route? Nobody would be able to remember what leg they were on, or whether they had rehydrated!

I'm already camping outside the theater so I can be the first in line for tickets when these movies are released.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Now THAT is a heat wave
From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2003 22:47:26 GMT

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> "Asidonhopo" <ossipewsk-SPAM.BLOCK-hotmail.com> wrote:
>> *Every* hospital needs a walk-in[1] fridge. Especially if the hospital isn't a very good hospital - IYKWIM, AITYD.
>[snip]
>> [1] Or perhaps that should be "roll-in".
> Oh, right. In that case, do I even want to know why they're keeping beer in the morgue?

I can think of one situation where it'd be very handy:

"I've got to warn you, Mrs Smith, his death was quite gruesome, and ... well, we could only find his head. but we still need you to identify what's left of the body"

"I understand. *sniff*"

"The mortician is going to lift the sheet in just a minute -- say, would you like a drink? It might take the edge off."

"*sniff* Sure. What's on tap?"

"There's some Miller, some Guinness, and I think there's some Busch in the corner drawer ..."

"So no actual beer, then?"

"Well, no. There might be some vodka someplace; ah, here it is."

"Do you have any shot glasses?"

"Nah; just drink it straight out of the bottle -- that's part of the experience. There you go! Now be sure to tell me when you're completely wasted, Mrs Smith, and then we'll get on with the dreary matter of the identification ..."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A mirror made out of wood?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2003 20:57:55 +0000 (UTC)

Asidonhopo <ossipewsk-SPAM.BLOCK-hotmail.com> said:
> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote...
>> "Water. Fascinating. I never touch the stuff myself." (Amb. Mollari, B5 "A Voice in the Wilderness I")
> Words to live by. After all, we all know what fish do in water.

Look for their bicycles?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wish dad would take the training-paddles off theirs



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