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2003 05 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Molerat!
From: Eli the Bearded <*.eli.users.panix.com>
Date: Fri, 16 May 2003 23:29:37 +0000 (UTC)

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Might I make a plea for y'all to de-cruft Goooooooogle-froup links? Consider how much easier it it to cut'n'paste:
> http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=not-F4B64A.07251104122002%40ariel.ucs.unimelb.edu.au

So long as the link is all one line, it is very easy to use either I find. But one line URLs look less crufty.

Look! A self-referential post:

http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=eli$0305161926.qz.little-neck.ny.us

Elijah
------
ha HA!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Molerat!
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 12:53:24 +1000

Sid <notme.hotmail.com> wrote:
> TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> writes:
> > Damn it, I have to be in at 10:30 tomorrow, and so far this week, I don't think I've managed to make it in before 12:00.
> I hate all you university type people.
> Sid, bought a nice optical mouse today. I wonder if I have to feed it.

It's worse than you think. He's an astronomer. He's talking pm.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Molerat!
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au>
Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 23:24:58 +1000

Sid <notme.hotmail.com> wrote
> Sid, bought a nice optical mouse today. I wonder if I have to feed it.

No, it poops out all these cute lens-like things if you do.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Molerat!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 17:10:27 +0000 (UTC)

Sid <notme.hotmail.com> said:
> Sid, bought a nice optical mouse today. I wonder if I have to feed it.

Well if you feed real mice cheese, maybe you should feed your optical mouse a picture of cheese. Yes, I think that's a gouda-dea.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think he needs to die now


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Molerat!
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 12:55:36 +1000

Eli the Bearded <*.eli.users.panix.com> wrote:
> http://www.asstr.org/files/Collections/Alt.Sex.Stories.Moderated/Year1998/12738.txt
> Took all of about twenty seconds.

A man from the Society for Prevention of Flagrant Wastage of Straight Lines is here to talk to you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: levels
From: sc.pffcu.com
Date: 16 May 2003 17:40:04 GMT

I've gone ahead and ordered season tickets to the lo-cal orchestra, performing as they are in a shiny new facility I decided that frugality was the better part of valor and ordered them for the highest, farthest section of the hall. Four of us will be going in all, I suppose that the WD and I can refer to the other two as our cow-orchers, although honestly I think that's stretching a bit. So I'm off to get my popcorn and "Mahler's #1!" big foam hand, just call me the culture vulture from now on.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: levels
From: sc.pffcu.com
Date: 19 May 2003 13:00:07 GMT

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> sc.pffcu.com wrote:
>> I've gone ahead and ordered season tickets to the lo-cal orchestra,
> Just remember: If they're performing something with more than one movement, you don't applaud until after the _last_ part is done.

And when, precisely, is one meant to hold up one's lighter and yell "Freebird!"?


From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Any and/or all of the quieter parts. Read the program, that's what Largo stands for - it's latin for something or other, meaning "boring".

Dave "Well? Tell me I'm wrong!" Hinz


From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com
No, no, Largo is a key, as you would know if you'd ever heard the song "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys. They keep changing into it at the beginning of every chorus. I think the rest of the song is in E Major, but I don't remember.


From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
No, no, "Largo" was the villain in the James Bond movies "Thunderball" and "Never Say Never Again". The stuff that looks like Latin is just coded messages about him, which SPECTRE agents pass back and forth via symphony programs.


From: Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com>
Wow. And here I thought Largo was what I told Lar when she'd hung around a bit much.


From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
> Wow. And here I thought Largo was what I told Lar when she'd hung around a bit much.

It's at this point, after a comment such as that, that one usually notices that all conversation has ceased and people are looking at you furtively while unobtrusively backing away.

Cartoon correlate: cicada noises only.


From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au>
> It's at this point, after a comment such as that, that one usually notices that all conversation has ceased and people are looking at you furtively while unobtrusively backing away.

Either that or they're looking at you unobtrusively while backing away furtively.

> Cartoon correlate: cicada noises only.

<theatrically loud voice>
Why is there a pentagram on that wall?
</>
--
Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti just noticed they weren't on the road anymore.


From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
> Either that or they're looking at you unobtrusively while backing away furtively.

Too conspicuous. They're looking at you surreptitiously and edging away carefully.

> --
> Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti just noticed they weren't on the road anymore.

Just start paving where you are.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What is it the rest of the time?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 21:49:50 +0000 (UTC)

One_Pierced_One <One_Pierced_One.cheapcunt.net> said:
> "Mike Fleming" <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk> wrote
>> Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> writes:
>> > http://theodoregray.com/PeriodicTable/Images/SideView.JPG
>> I think you have it confused with an occasional table...
> I was hoping to get an occasional piece in the living room...

Hey, *every* time I get a piece it's an occasion!

Or...at least...it would be.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies haven't even bought a card yet


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cand URL
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 09:02:59 -0500

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> Kegs <me.privacy.net> wrote:
>>Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes:
>>>This is what happens when your nation includes Quebec. Bilingualism pervades, even where people don't speak French.
>>ah the standard Cand excuse. "We are so so sorry, it's all Quebec's fault you see".
> Yah, about that, is there a reason this sign isn't tri-lingual then?

Dogs are so smart. Whatever language the owner speaks, *that's what language the dog speaks*.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cand URL
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 26 May 2003 13:40:31 +1000

Teh (tî'pô) wrote:
>steven wrote:
>>Jason jbeasley.shadowknife.com :
>>> Dogs are so smart. Whatever language the owner speaks, *that's what language the dog speaks*.
>>So dogs raised in Japan will actually say "pow pow pow" when they bark?
>>Well, well. You learn something new every day.
>Well, in Israel dogs go "Hav hav" and in Russia they go "Gav gav" so all bets are off regarding Japanese dogs.
>I'm guessing this is Teh reason dogs don't travel much, it must be a bitch picking up all these languages.

...she must be found, and stopped!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cand URL
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Thu, 29 May 2003 03:03:48 +0000 (UTC)

Teh (tî'pô) <teh.mindless.com> said:
> Well, in Israel dogs go "Hav hav" and in Russia they go "Gav gav" so all bets are off regarding Japanese dogs.

And Chinese dogs go "sizzle sizzle"?

And I s'pose y'all've seen http://users.abcs.com/townsend/Cat-Kettle.htm

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies took a dump in the dumplings


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cand URL
From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.net>
Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 14:32:40 GMT

Sid notme.hotmail.com :
> Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes:
>> This is what happens when your nation includes Quebec. Bilingualism pervades, even where people don't speak French.
> Speaking of which, and by which I don't mean the French or dogs or strange, where's JIM?

JIMbot, TechnoAtheist, and ~steve-o have been detained by a secret organization for revealing state, national, and global secrets, passing it off as fiction, and broadcasting that information through the internet to a world-wide audience. After they have been properly brainwashed^Weducated in the ways of the world, they will be released back into society -- or, in JIM's case, university.

There is no need to worry. They are fine. They are being treated well^Wdecently^Was well as can be expected under the circumstances, and are happy^Wcontent^Walive. Any attempt to rescue them will be met with lethal force^W^Wpuppies^Wbaby ducks.

That is all.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Nool Pwan
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 27 May 2003 17:46:04 +0100

http://media.guardian.co.uk/broadcast/story/0,7493,964056,00.html (UK getting 0 points in the Eurovision contest)

Oh, the shame. It's times like this that one is thankful that much of the civilised world doesn't follow the infamous Eurovision Song Contest, even though they are missing out on an annual camp classic.

Far be it from me to suggest that the voting this year had more to do with British compliance in USAia's imperialist aggression in^W^W^Wliberation of Iraq than the merits or demerits of any particular "song" (to use the word in its loosest sense), mainly because to do so I'd have to join the back of a very long queue. I will merely observe that the theme for this year - "Revenge of the Backing Singers" - was an interesting one. Commendations must go to Israel's cohort thereof who, after repeated attempts to put their entrant off, finally massed around to beat the crap out of him. Eurovision doesn't see nearly enough of this sort of thing, IMHO.

Next year, why doesn't USAia ask to join? They're every bit as European as Israel, after all. Then we could form a transatlantic voting bloc to counter the Baltic cartel and the Turco-German axis. And, if that still doesn't work, we can always invade the bast^W^W^Wexpedite regime change.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*----No, "Boom Bang-a-Bang" is not an ode to friendly fire--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nool Pwan
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Tue, 27 May 2003 23:04:01 +0100

Also Sprach Richard Wilson:
> Far be it from me to suggest that the voting this year had more to do with British compliance in USAia's imperialist aggression in^W^W^Wliberation of Iraq than the merits or demerits of any particular "song" (to use the word in its loosest sense), mainly because to do so I'd have to join the back of a very long queue.

To do so would also ignore the fact that the song was sung in two different keys. Normally that's a good thing. Many of the world's finest songs have a key-change at some point in their rendition. What made our Euroloser special was that the two keys were concurrent, with the entire orchestra playing in one key, and Jemini singing in an altogether different one. Not since Samantha Janus (Hugh's sister?) has Britain provided our Yurpean neighbours with such a good laugh.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nool Pwan
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 28 May 2003 17:49:07 +0100

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> writes
> What made our Euroloser special was that the two keys were concurrent, with the entire orchestra playing in one key, and Jemini singing in an altogether different one. Not since Samantha Janus (Hugh's sister?) has Britain provided our Yurpean neighbours with such a good laugh.

This is, of course, entirely true, but in no way manages to explain Austria.

If I may take the opportunity to bore you all rigid with a serious look at Eurovision voting dynamics, a good performance (I won't say "good song", because using this expression in the context of Eurovision would invalidate my argument before it got off the ground) probably accounts for about 40% of the votes garnered. A further 20% (reverse these two percentages in the case of Greece and Cyprus) is the result of supporting your neighbours and co-ethnics (Scandinavian countries, Baltic and Balkan states, Spain and Portugal) or gastarbeiters (Germany and Turkey). In theory, this should work for the UK and Ireland, but that petty-minded bunch of whiners seem to consider a trifling 800 years of violent occupation an excuse to hold a grudge, and would rather gnaw their collective right leg off than ever give us a point. This should theoretically still leave us in the voting bloc labelled "Countries Than Everybody Else Hates" with France, and we would vote for them but, let's face it, we hate the French too, and vice versa.

The next 20% is the result of The Gimmick. This ensures that, when the time to vote *finally* arrives, the voters still vaguely remember you when everything else is just an ill-defined, alcoholic blur. Belly dancing, extremely tight hot pants and ripping clothes off the women are good. Squeeze boxes, earnest messages about saving the environment and ripping clothes off the men are not good. Invading Chechnya and/or Iraq falls under the heading "Not a Good Gimmick".

The last 20% involves chaos theory and the lunatic fringe, and probably *does* explain Austria.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
-I would have voted for Belgium but, basically, couldn't be arsed--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nool Pwan
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Wed, 28 May 2003 14:00:57 -0600

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> The next 20% is the result of The Gimmick. This ensures that, when the time to vote *finally* arrives, the voters still vaguely remember you when everything else is just an ill-defined, alcoholic blur. Belly dancing, extremely tight hot pants and ripping clothes off the women are good. Squeeze boxes, earnest messages about saving the environment and ripping clothes off the men are not good. Invading Chechnya and/or Iraq falls under the heading "Not a Good Gimmick".

Oh, I dunno. If such an invasion could actually be worked into the act and done on stage, you can be sure people would remember. Especially if they cold do it while ripping off their clothes, playing a squeeze box, and making a heartfelt plea to save the whales or something. Even when invading nations such as the ones you mention now seems to happen for no reason better than "we really, really wanted to", doing so for the sake of winning Eurovision would stand out. At least the victims would have given their lives for a worthy cause, the ultimate sacrifice in the name of bad music. And if it wasn't enough to win, the performers (note I did not say "singers" or "musicians") could console themselves by the fact that US country radio stations would probably still play their music, and that it would be at least as good as anything else they were playing.

Besides, as I understand it, most of the performances are themselves ill-defined alcoholic blurs. Maybe the best gimmick would be to play to this fact, by performing whilst totally drunk, slurring what lyrics could be remembered or improvised. After all, it worked for Iggy Pop, so why not for Eurovision?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nool Pwan
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 29 May 2003 18:20:44 +0100

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes
>Oh, I dunno. If such an invasion could actually be worked into the act and done on stage, you can be sure people would remember.

I can see it now. Germany's entry for Eurovision 2004: "Springtime for Hitler". By forcibly annexing the Austrian, Czech and Polish votes, they'll win by a landslide. The Israeli entrant wisely stays at home. I could develop this theme at some length, but the Muse of Decorum is threatening to cut off my hands with a blunt hacksaw if I do.

> Even when invading nations such as the ones you mention now seems to happen for no reason better than "we really, really wanted to", doing so for the sake of winning Eurovision would stand out.

If only you had suggested this to Tony in time, we could have avoided both a national "musical" humiliation and the need to find even a single WMD in Iraq.

> And if it wasn't enough to win, the performers (note I did not say "singers" or "musicians") could console themselves by the fact that US country radio stations would probably still play their music, and that it would be at least as good as anything else they were playing.

And, for the prisoners of war, it would make a nice change from the Barney song. Though, if I was given a choice between listening to the bloated sac of purple ectoplasm and Jemini's "Cry Baby", I'd ask to be allowed to think about it for a while.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*----Why alternate Barney and heavy metal, anyway?--
--*-----*--*----*----*-Why not combine the two for added impact?---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nool Pwan
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au>
Date: Thu, 29 May 2003 18:48:15 +1000

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> *---*----Why alternate Barney and heavy metal, anyway?--
> *----*----*-Why not combine the two for added impact?---

There was some sixties spy-spoof movie (or maybe a TV show) that tortured the Russian agents by repeatedly playing the 7" 45RPM single of "Itsy-Bitsy, Teenie-Weenie, Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini".

But the *real* stroke of brilliance was having the record's spindle-hole seriously OFF-CENTRE.

Speaking personally, I found it quite difficult to take Procul Harum seriously (stop laughing) for months after playing my Best of PH 12"LP at 45RPM. "Whiskey Train" is a complete hoot at that speed.
--
Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti was Conquered on a Paler Shade of Lime Street.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nool Pwan
From: Mike Fleming <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 31 May 2003 19:38:32 +0100

"Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> writes:
> Ya know, I heard of a band that had a label that was so poor that they issued the records without the spindle-holes.

That was Virgin Records.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nool Pwan
From: "Ken Adams" <kmadams85.comcast.net>
Date: Mon, 2 Jun 2003 22:38:40 -0400

Henriette Kress <spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net> wrote:
> Ken Adams wrote:
>> Henriette Kress <spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net> wrote:
>>> Mike Fleming wrote:
>>>> "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> writes:
>>>>> Ya know, I heard of a band that had a label that was so poor that they issued the records without the spindle-holes.
>>>> That was Virgin Records.
>>> ... ow.
>> I hear it only hurts the first time.
> ... ow.

Hmmmmm... limited data presented here indicate I may have heard incorrectly. Must do more research.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nool Pwan
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Tue, 3 Jun 2003 02:53:50 +0000 (UTC)

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
> "Tom Harrington" <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
>: "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>: > Assuming the hole was centered, etc.
>: I have no joke here, I just wanted to see Viki saying that again.
> I said it before, I'll say it again, get thee to "A Mighty Wind". You won't regret it.

Ya, that *was* a most enjoyable buritto supreme. My office-mates, OTOH...

(I'm sorry if someone has already made a similar joke, but my swerver is just recovering and the past ~week was lost.)

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies *knew* it shoidn't've made that toin at Albuquerque


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: the comfy chair^H^H^H^H^Hthrone
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Thu, 29 May 2003 00:19:08 +0000 (UTC)

Eli the Bearded <*.eli.users.panix.com> said:
> Take a gander at these toilet seat covers:
> http://www.bogseats.co.uk/loo.pins.gif
> http://www.bogseats.co.uk/loo.Barbwire.jpg
> http://www.bogseats.co.uk/1084L.gif
> Are these purchased by masochists for themselves or sadists for their guest rooms?

Dunno 'bout the first two, but the third is bound to give a serious case of cactass.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies sit on the toilet and feel a little prick


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: the comfy chair^H^H^H^H^Hthrone
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Tue, 3 Jun 2003 23:31:47 +0000 (UTC)

ochainn <ochainn.yahoo.co.uk> said:
> *.eli.users.panix.com says...
>> Take a gander at these toilet seat covers:
>> http://www.bogseats.co.uk/loo.pins.gif
>> http://www.bogseats.co.uk/loo.Barbwire.jpg
>> http://www.bogseats.co.uk/1084L.gif
>> Are these purchased by masochists for themselves or sadists for their guest rooms?
>> Makes the mind boogle.
> ...and the arse cringe.
> I am:
> a. back.

Yay!

> b. not as I was before.

Yay or boo, depending on...

> I now have:
> a. a job

Yay! More time to RHODentificate.

> b. a sex life

Yay! What's it like?

> c. a real life

Huh?

> d. a prince albert[1]

And your arse (whatever that is) cringes at a picture of a cactus-toilet?

> Ochainn
> (formerly known as Barry O'Neill)
> [1. Really. http://www.bmezine.com/pierce/09-male/pa/A30508/paapaaty.html

Yay place to hang your keys when you're at a toga party!

> - NO OOGY PICS]

Sorry, DMP.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have not seen this man-chicken


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: URLS (was Re: the comfy chair^H^H^H^H^Hthrone)
From: Mike Fleming <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 31 May 2003 19:39:39 +0100

Eli the Bearded <*.eli.users.panix.com> writes:
> Vermeer / Lady in a turbin

Is that the original version of "Frog in a liquidiser"?



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