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2003 05 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Proud to be a Texan?
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 12:51:35 GMT

"Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>Here in Pittsburgh, they go for a dip in the rivers.

How very strange. Here we have dips in the road.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Proud to be a Texan?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Wed, 7 May 2003 02:10:57 +0000 (UTC)

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
> "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>> : Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
>> : > "Richard Fitzpatrick" <ossipewsk.hotmail.com> wrote:
>> : >: Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti plays hide-the-haggis.
>> : > Let me just say, ew, ew, EW.
>> : You'd prefer slip-the-salami? Disappear-the-dill-pickle? Poke-in-the-potato? Cram-in-the-cranberries? Stuff-the-steak? Tuck-in-the-taco? Insert-the-iceberg-lettuce?
>> : dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies always play with their food
>> dan, I understand now why you're having so much trouble with women. Sex is *not* all about food, no matter what you learned watching "American Pie".
> What about 9 1/2 weeks?

*Weeks*??? All I can manage is 9 1/2 seconds!

Post the message? Yes, No, Edit, poStpone
n


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Proud to be a Texan?
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Thu, 08 May 2003 10:00:49 -0500

Donald Welsh wrote:
>Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
>>Sex is *not* all about food, no matter what you learned watching "American Pie".
> Dorinda Hafner says cooking is like making love.

Wash everything beforehand, make sure all the implements are in easy reach, don't worry about the mess you can clean it up later, and there's very few people in the world that'll actually enjoy yours?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Proud to be a Texan?
From: cleopatra_the_seventh.yahoo.com (Cleopatra VII)
Date: 12 May 2003 10:51:45 -0700

Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> wrote:
> Wash everything beforehand, make sure all the implements are in easy reach, don't worry about the mess you can clean it up later, and there's very few people in the world that'll actually enjoy yours?

* It's a skill both men and women should have
* You can do it for yourself, but it's always better with someone you love
* Many do it poorly, but done right it's fantastic
* There are books with pretty pictures, but they don't replace practice
* You can do it every day without getting tired of it
* Still, try something new to keep things fresh
* Involve all five senses
* A little effort can make someone feel very special

Whew! Don't know about you, but I've worked up an appetite. Going to make cucumber and carrot cake ... eventually.

Love, Cleopatra

--
Praise Hathor!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Proud to be a Texan?
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Thu, 08 May 2003 12:41:17 -0600

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> >Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
> >> Sex is *not* all about food, no matter what you learned watching "American Pie".
> Dorinda Hafner says cooking is like making love.

What does that imply about restaurants?

What if the restaurant is McDonald's?

Excuse me, I'm getting all hot 'n' bothered, it's lunch time here, back in a bit.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Birthday Hell
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 1 May 2003 21:06:44 +0100

Amanda Huggenkiss <heresy.mad.scientist.com> writes
>(Mental note: Engage brain before posting)

Jeez, is that a requirement these days?! Next you'll be telling me we're supposed to use speelchekkers. Usenet is becoming more of a totalitarian state all the time. So I expect Dubya to turn his attention here when he's done with the rest of the Axis of Evil (Syria, Iran, North Korea, Market Harborough).

Mark my words, there'll be Abrams tanks rolling down the Chopped Chicken thread before you know it.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*--Bags I looting all the workfriendly URLs!--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heh, spam
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 1 May 2003 17:41:19 +0100

Henriette Kress <spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net> writes
>Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>> Henriette Kress <spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net> said:
>>> Tom Harrington wrote:
>>>>> Subject: Ladies, want a big penis?
>>>>> Our Doctor-Approved Pill Will Actually Expand, Lengthen And Enlarge Your Penis.
>>>> The fact that the penis may not be part of the woman's body does not affect her ability to own one attached to someone else.
>>> Just one?
>> Um...yeah. That's how guys are built, you know.
>But gals can have as many as they like, no?

If I'm ever visiting Finland, remind me not to accept an invitation to see your trophy room.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*-Of course, you'd then have to buy an extra large display case--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heh, spam
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 18:37:08 -0500

Richard Wilson wrote:
> --*-Of course, you'd then have to buy an extra large display case--

You take your work penis with you when you travel?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heh, spam
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Fri, 02 May 2003 22:08:09 GMT

Also Sprach Tom Harrington:
> Is a work penis more formal, while the home penis is a casual item? And how many does Richard have, anyway?

Two, as any fule kno.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heh, spam
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au>
Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 22:31:03 +1000

Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> wrote
> You take your work penis with you when you travel?

Doesn't everyone?

--
Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti mixes work and play.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heh, spam
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 18:34:11 +0100

Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au> writes
>Doesn't everyone?

Indeed. And I want to stress, before there's any confusion, that it's a pinstripe, not a pinprick.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*--Off to look for someone who gives pinhead--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heh, spam
From: "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net>
Date: Sat, 03 May 2003 02:59:59 GMT

"Donald Welsh" <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote
: >>>> The fact that the penis may not be part of the woman's body does not affect her ability to own one attached to someone else.
: >>> Just one?
: >> Um...yeah. That's how guys are built, you know.
: >But gals can have as many as they like, no?
: That depends. How many would you like?

Are you talking all at one time or over the course of a lifetime? Or maybe just a weekend?

And can any of them belong to Hugh Jackman?
Please?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heh, spam
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 19:38:52 +0000 (UTC)

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
> And can any of them belong to Hugh Jackman?
> Please?

s/Jackman/G. Rection/, Shirley?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to prank Moe's Bar


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So, who's left?
From: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4.osu.edu>
Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 11:21:02 GMT

"Amanda Huggenkiss" <heresy.mad.scientist.com> wrote in message
> The froup definitely seems quieter than I remember it.
> I see some familiar faces, a few new friends, a reference to a texan who died for tax reasons...
> Did everyone drift away, or are they just on holiday?

I'll toss my hat in as one of the "prodigal sons" of RHOD. I used to post more than occasionally in the past, then became a priest, and immediately lost my sense of humor (you try looking at 10,000 submissions over a 6+ year period without going completely mad). I've since gone through 2 ex-wives, several dogs, lost 8 jobs, and now I have been labeled "functionally moronic" by no less than 3 board certified psychologists. Not to mention that I'm now a card carrying member of the NRA.

I blame all of you.

Mark

P.S. Only 2 of the above claims are true. See if you can guess which ones? (Hint: something to do with the priesthood, and psychologists)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So, who's left?
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 10:28:04 -0600

"Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4.osu.edu> wrote:
> I blame all of you.

Folks, our work is done here. Congratulations on a job well done.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So, who's left?
From: google.unitedheroes.net (TechnoAtheist)
Date: 12 May 2003 20:54:12 -0700

A group of pastey monkeys who have a very different definition of the word "stiffy" claiming to be Sid wrote:
> "Amanda Huggenkiss" <heresy.mad.scientist.com> writes:
> > The froup definitely seems quieter than I remember it.
> > I see some familiar faces, a few new friends, a reference to a texan who died for tax reasons...
> > Did everyone drift away, or are they just on holiday?
> Apoplexies, I have been busy of late.

Please keep your necromantic tendencies to yourself.

There's hardly enough to share, really.

> Sid, misses University

And may I add you and your husband looked fabulous in the swimsuit competition.

(Criminy folks, you let two beautiful straight lines like those go to waste!? Don't make me come back from the dead, you!)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So, who's left?
From: cleopatra_the_seventh.yahoo.com (Cleopatra VII)
Date: 18 May 2003 20:08:52 -0700

TechnoAtheist wrote:
> Don't make me come back from the dead, you!

You say that like it's a bad thing.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: chopped chicken
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 12:54:02 GMT

God Rudy <rudy.mail.attic.ccc> wrote:
>Eli the Bearded wrote:
>> Aren't chicken nuggets from deboned chicken?
>Have you ever been wondering what "mechanically separated" means?

It's when you get a crowbar because the cold water didn't work.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Jedi Knight holy day.
From: ossipewsk.hotmail.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
Date: 1 May 2003 21:44:40 -0700

Many of you may be aware that some people claimed "Jedi Knight" as their religious affiliation on the Australian 1996 and 2001 Censuses (Censi?). http://tinyurl.com/asn1

However, many of you may not be aware that Sunday this weekend is the chief holy day of the Jedi Knight religious calendar.

Hard to imagine that the Jedi Knights would be aware of the Gregorian calendar - being, as they are, from long, long ago and from a galaxy far, far away. Perhaps the local chapter used a local event: first showing of Part IV: A New Hope; George Lucas' or Steven Spielberg's birthday?

Of course not.

The reason is recalled every time a Jedi Knight pronounces their traditional benediction:

"May the Fourth be with you."

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti will be slowly digested over a thousand years, for sure.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jedi Knight holy day.
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au>
Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 22:55:17 +1000

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote
> "Henriette Kress" <spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net> wrote
> : I think we should throw Richard over that there cliff.
> : Hetta (OW!)
> Whilst I agree with Hetta that 'twas painful, methinks the solution offered is a bit much.

Thanks, Vikster - always a friend in need.

> Let's just make him take a holiday as DMP's valet.

Hey! You *know* he likes to put his keys on that "special" ring!
--
Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti won't be touching the remote aerial button, fer sure.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Appologies...
From: Arzharon <Arzharon.hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, 02 May 2003 04:53:16 GMT

Nathan Russell wrote:
> Hi folks,
> This evening I decided to post to the Oracle as an alternative to studying. In fact, I posted a lot - to the extent that I singlehandedly got a "question queue is getting rather full" condition and then posted another dozen or so questions.


<snip>


You asked a _dozen_ questions after...?
*gasp*

(Question 17)
Oh Oracle most wise, why don't you answer? Did you get my last question?

(18)
Hello?

(19)
Did you?

...

(36)
Thanks for replying! What's a "*ZOT*"?!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: I'm too old for this chat
From: Arzharon <Arzharon.hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, 02 May 2003 11:11:55 GMT

A friend talked me into using MSN messenger - "That's fun! You can see who's online ..." blah, blah. Anyway, I installed it, and then had to reveal all sorts of personal information I'd rather not share, but OK, let's try it.
Then I entered a chat room - and was immediately asked some VERY personal questions, and it seems your gender is also important in such a group. I left.
I thought that entering a senior citizen group (30+ - I'm 34) would solve that problem, but I was wrong. I had to fill in a profile so that they can see my marital status, age, bank account and birth marks. I also left that group.
Then I did a search on "age", hoping to find a 60+ group where one can have a normal conversation. I found the following group:

"leeftijd doet er niet toe (niet boven de 20!!!!!)"

which means "Age doesn't matter (none older than 20!!!!!)"

I removed MSN from my computer.

Arzharon - whose real name is René Torenstra, but don't tell Arzharon. They like to chat with each other.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm too old for this chat
From: Arzharon <Arzharon.hotmail.com>
Date: Sat, 03 May 2003 01:48:22 GMT

Cleopatra VII wrote
>> Arzharon - whose real name is René Torenstra, but don't tell Arzharon. They like to chat with each other.
> Which of you two is the Eskimo woman doing quantity surveying in Tibet?

It depends on the mood. We tend to swap rolls regularly to keep the relationship interesting. We got that tip from Cassius Clay and Mohammed Ali, good friends of ours in the pre (electronic) chat era


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm too old for this chat
From: Mike Fleming <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 08 May 2003 20:10:08 +0100

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) writes:
> I've been wondering lately whether having a significant other with multiple personality disorder is anything like polygamy.

My other half has single personality disorder, if that's any help.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Obscene answer
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 18:53:06 +0000 (UTC)

Nathan Russell <nrussell.buffalo.edu> said:
> To whoever answered my "thermos" tellme about 3 hours ago, I'd refer you to the section of the help file that states that children may be using the Oracle. (For those who aren't aware, my question regarded how thermoses know to keep hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold. The Incarnation told me where to put my thermos.)

Holy block-text!

But I agree...that answer doesn't sound appropriate--it doesn't even try to address the keeping-cold part of the question.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies need a more intelligent vacuum bottle


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1320
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 5 May 2003 20:48:56 GMT

"Henriette Kress" wrote:
> oracle-request wrote:
>> Subject: Internet Oracularity #1320-04
> (snip)
>> } Michael: I'll take The Best of RHOD for $100
> Ooooh. I'm famous!

And cheap, too!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Plonk me harder baby
From: "One_Pierced_One" <One_Pierced_One.cheapcunt.net>
Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 11:51:07 GMT

Can I get a show of hands from everyone who has put me in their kill file?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: celebrity foxy boxing
From: sc.pffcu.com
Date: 9 May 2003 17:45:09 GMT

We'll do it in St. Louis: The Bush Girls versus the Gore Girls. The Gore Girls have a numerical advantage so to even things out, everyone will have to drink three shots of tequila beforehand.

I bet we can make 6, maybe 8 grand gross.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: celebrity foxy boxing
From: Kegs <me.privacy.net>
Date: 09 May 2003 22:42:21 +0100

> We'll do it in St. Louis: The Bush Girls versus the Gore Girls.

Hmm, Bush vs Gore, tough call.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: go to hell (url)
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Mon, 12 May 2003 04:40:02 GMT

"Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>Imagine, an attorney who's farther away from hell that most of yunz. Ironic, innit?

I think you're supposed to tell the truth on these tests.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: go to hell (url)
From: sc.pffcu.com
Date: 16 May 2003 17:32:10 GMT

Mike Fleming <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk> wrote:
> I'm afraid that I only managed the Second Level, and consequently held my tongue [1] lest I be thought a goody-two-shoes.
> [1] Well, sat on my hands anyway

Isn't that alone worth a promotion to the next level down?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Invitation to Join SV_RFID!
From: "Mike Jewell" <mike.mikesroom.org>
Date: Mon, 12 May 2003 13:27:04 +0100

TimC wrote:
> Some moron who has climbed below the level of scum in my bathroom sink spewed over my monitor:
>> Snip some crap
> What the feck is it with spammers these days? Won't they leave the lovely beautiful UNSET alone? And maybe if they could leave my not-so-shiny INBOX alone, that would also be good.

Okay, this is just begging for a poetry cascade...

What the feck is it with spammers these days?
Why won't they leave me alone?
My mail is bloated with dubious ways
To outrageously lengthen my bone!

Cheers,
/\/\ike "So sorry" J


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Invitation to Join SV_RFID!
From: "Amanda Huggenkiss" <heresy.mad.scientist.com>
Date: Mon, 12 May 2003 20:25:23 +0100

> My mail is bloated with dubious ways
> To outrageously lengthen my bone!

"Vitamins help you live longer!"
"Visit this Triple X Site!"
"See (insert star) in her Thong!" Err..
Don't they know this just ain't right?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Invitation to Join SV_RFID!
From: Brantley Hudson <brantley_hudson.nospam.hp.com>
Date: Wed, 14 May 2003 15:39:43 -0500

Amanda Huggenkiss wrote:
> "See (insert star) in her Thong!" Err..
> Don't they know this just ain't right?

Seems a Nigerian has some dough
He could use my kind of greed
and who can bear to let that go
when "Girls with farm animals" are in need.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Droit de Seigneur, or Something
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 14 May 2003 17:13:07 +0100

I have recently learned that Prince Wills, the heir to this sceptr'd isle's throne bar one, has a chat-up line which goes: "I'm the future king. Wanna pull?"

I bring this up not because I wish to celebrate the fact that the young fellow is clearly endeavouring to adhere to the standards of royal delicacy set by his grandfather, but because it has conjured up an image in my mind of King Arthur, riding the length and breadth of his fabled realm of Logria on his gaily caparisoned charger, stopping before a rustic hostelry where a comely serving wench is churning butter and quothing: "I'm the once and future king. Wanna pull?"

Okay, so this is not a mental image that really needed sharing, but when has that ever stopped a rhodent in full flow?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*---"Whaddaya mean you don't want my lance a lot?"--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Droit de Seigneur, or Something
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Wed, 14 May 2003 23:08:13 -0500

Richard Wilson wrote:
> I have recently learned that Prince Wills, the heir to this sceptr'd isle's throne bar one, has a chat-up line which goes: "I'm the future king. Wanna pull?"

I suppose it's better than "Do you have any royal in you? Would you like some?"

> I bring this up not because I wish to celebrate the fact that the young fellow is clearly endeavouring to adhere to the standards of royal delicacy set by his grandfather, but because it has conjured up an image in my mind of King Arthur, riding the length and breadth of his fabled realm of Logria on his gaily caparisoned charger, stopping before a

I'm pretty sure the horse was straight.

> rustic hostelry where a comely serving wench is churning butter and quothing: "I'm the once and future king. Wanna pull?"

Except it would have been in Latin. "Rex Qvondvm, Rexqve Fvtvris. Carpe Glandivm?"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Droit de Seigneur, or Something
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Thu, 15 May 2003 14:21:38 +1000

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
> --*----*---*---*---"Whaddaya mean you don't want my lance a lot?"--

Must...resist...buggrit.

Heh, reminds me of a galahad. Bedevery day. Tristany time. She'd put on her lamorak and say, "Geraint of bed and gareth the paper. There's a sale on today for manchester. Ga, heris merlinen for my cupboard." It was morgan I could cope with. My purse-evaluation was that it was empty. I felt mordred every day.

Arth'ur? No, it bors me.

Hey, where are you guinevery body?

Ian.

Reply at your own risk. Gawain. I dares ya.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Molerat!
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 14 May 2003 17:38:13 +0100

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> writes
>Have you checked to make sure your penis is still locked up?

Furrfu - make one Uncle Ian-style knob joke, and you're typecast for life...

>Otherwise, I sense the beginnings of a new twist on the old law-gnome-napping game.

It'll never catch on - who in their right mind would pay the ransom for an undersized lawyer?

> http://www.chillicothegazette.com/news/stories/20030512/localnews/287543.html
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think it'd've been funnier at a Taco Bell

I started trying to think of something to do with KFC and finger lickin', but then decided my time would probably be more fruitfully spent plaiting all the paperclips on my desk together, and then unplaiting them again.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*----Now if I were DMP, think what I could do with--
--*-----*--*----*--those paperclips in the context of this thread--



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