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2003 11 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1343
From: mhamm.artsci.wustl.edu (Michael Hamm)
Date: Sun, 16 Nov 2003 01:23:55 +0000 (UTC)

Henriette Kress <spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net> wrote, in part:
> > } Ah, ha, ha, ha, I know it all, I know it all
> > } Ah, ha, ha, ha, I know it all.
> Oooh. 5. And a couple extra points for taking me back to the late 70s/early 80s.
> Staying aliiiiii-iiii-iiiiii-ive!

Isn't that O.J. Simpson's favorite song?

Oh, no, that's Slaying a Wife.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1343
From: ossipewsk.hotmail.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
Date: 16 Nov 2003 15:54:24 -0800

Richard Wilson wrote
> "Does Sir dress to the left or to the right?"
> "I'm not sure..."

Oh, come *on*. We all know the answer to that one is:

"Never you mind. Just make it baggy around the knees."[1]

--
Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti walks bowlegged anyway.

[1] Thanks, Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1343
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Mon, 17 Nov 2003 03:08:15 -0000

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> said:
> You clearly weren't wearing trousers in the 1970s. Well, not wearing trousers AND having to pack a lunchbox in there at the same time.
> "Does Sir dress to the left or to the right?"

I'd say "both" just to see the reaction.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have two extra legs


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: I couldn't help myself...
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 17 Nov 2003 01:01:19 GMT

A recent article caught my eye in aus.sf, so I replied to it. Lucky me, I got a reply.

Ian.

From: Mark Bedingfield (mark.computercom.com.au)
Subject: Re: Which version of Star Trek Nemesis is better..... bit of a spoiler
Newsgroups: aus.sf.star-trek, aus.sf, aus.dvd
Date: 2003-11-12 22:23:51 PST
"Ian Davis" <not.all.certain> wrote
> "Mark Bedingfield" <mark.computercom.com.au> wrote:
> > Just one point pissed me off, how does a ship reverse thrust and back out of a major collision? The two vessels are one mass. When one applies reverse thrust, both will move in space. It has to be the most unbelievable thing I have ever seen on ST. Very disappointed. They used to pride themselves on being true to real world physics...
> > Mark
> Spoken like a born-and-bred Newtonian. You don't know the first thing about the physics of impulse engines, do you? Next thing you'll be telling me it's possible to orbit a planet for more than a couple of hours *without* working engines!

Depends on altitude. How is the impulse engine capable of determining wether there are 2 ships or 1 combined as a single mass? And no, I have never studied Impulse drive's until today. So how does the impulse drive get around it?

Mark


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I couldn't help myself...
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au>
Date: Tue, 18 Nov 2003 22:40:56 +1100

Ian Davis wrote...
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> > Well, what's done is done. Did you at least stop giggling long enough to send him a courteous reply?
> I decided it was a waste of electrons.

In other words, no you did/couldn't.

> Actually baryons, but he wouldn't understand that.

But all he'd have to do is reverse the polarity of...

Ahhhh, what's the use...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I couldn't help myself...
From: Phil Smith <pas51.NOSPAMcam.ac.uk>
Date: Mon, 17 Nov 2003 11:51:54 +0000

Ian Davis wrote in rec.humor.oracle.d:
> A recent article caught my eye in aus.sf, so I replied to it. Lucky me, I got a reply.
> Ian.
> Depends on altitude. How is the impulse engine capable of determining wether there are 2 ships or 1 combined as a single mass? And no, I have never studied Impulse drive's until today. So how does the impulse drive get around it?

It tries to solve a system of non-linear coupled PDE's analytically.

However, if the engineering officer engages the deus ex machina device, it gives up and goes along with the plot.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I couldn't help myself...
From: "Paul McCue" <newsremovethisplease.tiko.demon.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 18 Nov 2003 09:12:25 -0000

> ... How is the impulse engine capable of determining wether there are 2 ships or 1 combined as a single mass? ...

"It decides on a whim".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nobel News
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Thu, 20 Nov 2003 03:29:32 -0000

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org> wrote:
>: Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> said:
>: > I hear there's no Internet access in the Big Room.
>: You're thinking of the Padded Room. The Big Room is (URL to Map of NY)
> ummmmmm, doesn't this look like a REALLY nice place to visit? Rhod road trip?
> Viki, wondering if there's a futon in her future, or perhaps a guest room?

Guest room? My apartment is so small I can't open the oven and the front door at the same time, and the microwave is in the living room. Which does contain a futon, however. I guess I could take it out of there if someone wanted to sleep on it.

So sure, RHODents are welcome to drop by, provided they're not too weird. How 'bout we cut off below DMP.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have never actually seen him use the oven


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nobel News
From: Kegs <me.privacy.net>
Date: Thu, 20 Nov 2003 12:53:17 +0000

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes:
> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org> wrote:
>> So sure, RHODents are welcome to drop by, provided they're not too weird. How 'bout we cut off below DMP.
> How far below? And what altitude is he at, anyway?

I suspect that he is somewhere in the Troposphere, so about 100' below should be OK[1].

What does *too* weird mean anyway?

[1] Better than 6' under, that might stink Dan's apartment up a bit


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That's not Jermaine to the conversation!
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Fri, 21 Nov 2003 01:25:08 GMT

<cparker429.houston.rr.com> wrote:
> "Sid" <notme.hotmail.com> wrote
> > <cparker429.houston.rr.com> writes:
>> > "My brother is not eccentric. We had an incredible, wonderful childhood," he said. "And what they're doing is bringing him down with the very thing that he loved. ... At the end of the day, this is nothing but a modern-day lynching." Jermaine Jackson
> > > Really makes you wonder about the whole family when they say things like that ain't it?
> > > --
> > > Charlie Parker
> > Are you DMP's brother?
> Er, if I were actually Charlie I'd be his father, but I'm not, I'm Daniel using his father's 'puter and drinking his father's beer while his father tours Rome.

Really makes you wonder about the whole family.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That's not Jermaine to the conversation!
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 22 Nov 2003 17:04:28 +0000

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.netspace.org> writes
>Ian Davis <not.all.certain> said:
>> Really makes you wonder about the whole family.
>If *that's* what it took, I think it's you whom we have to wonder about.

Signs You've Been Posting Too Long to Rhod #26,385:
It takes something out of the ordinary to make you wonder about Ian.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*-----*---richard killfiled, use rwilson-
--*----*---*---This sig deliberately devoid of mentions of rugby---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That's not Jermaine to the conversation!
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <jellyroll.the.pope.INVALIDpotnoodle.net>
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 2003 10:26:36 GMT

Also Sprach Richard Wilson:
> --*----*---*---This sig deliberately devoid of mentions of rugby---

It could be worse, you know. The Kiwis might have had the embarrassment of seeing the team that put them out being beaten by the French.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Guess who
From: The Dumpster <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com>
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 2003 16:57:04 GMT

Sid wrote:
> just bought a pool table?
> I wanted to get a billiards table instead, but it was too expensive.

Make sure to keep your chlorine balance right...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Guess who
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 2003 20:30:27 GMT

Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> wrote:
> What color felt?

This is not only bad grammar (and spelling for some of us), it also indicates a basic misunderstanding of at least two modes of perception.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Guess who
From: Donald Welsh <dwelsh.melbpc.org.au>
Date: Mon, 24 Nov 2003 10:11:28 +1100

Ian Davis wrote:
> Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com> wrote:
>> What color felt?

Plaid.

> This is not only bad grammar (and spelling for some of us), it also indicates a basic misunderstanding of at least two modes of perception.

Not all of us are lucky enough to be synaesthetes.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Guess who
From: The Dumpster <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com>
Date: Mon, 24 Nov 2003 05:38:39 GMT

Ian Davis wrote:
> Sniffnoy the Swordfish <sniffnoy.optonline.net> wrote:
>>>This is not only bad grammar (and spelling for some of us), it also indicates a basic misunderstanding of at least two modes of perception.
>>Not at all. It doesn't say "What color was felt?", it says "What color felt?". As in, did red feel? Did green feel? etc. Admittedly it does indicate a basic misunderstanding of what a color is, or perhaps what feeling is, but there's nothing wrong with the grammar.
> I stand inflected.

I think they have a cream for that now...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Guess who
From: René Torenstra <r_torenstra._hotmail_.com>
Date: Thu, 27 Nov 2003 12:05:05 +0100

Sid <notme.hotmail.com> wrote:
>I wanted to get a billiards table instead, but it was too expensive.

That's strange. A pool table has lots of extra balls. Or are they not included? Wait, I understand. It's a billiards table with holes in it. No wonder it's cheaper.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: new pool
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Wed, 26 Nov 2003 06:14:52 -0000

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> said:
> so the dead pool is still going on strong but there haven't been many points, so at work we are now starting a "michael jackson memorial pool" in which points may be earned by celebrities of varying degrees getting into trouble with the law,

Isn't that the whole premise behind _Celebrity_Justice_?

> in an oj simpson-esque kind of way

Ah, so not so many points for the Wine'n'stoned Cowboy?

Y'oughta start a pool for judges who get smacked down for doing stupid judicial things. So a lot of points for the 10 Commandments dude, and not quite as many for the Chicago judge who declared unconstitutional the repeal of the bill granting him a raise?

In related news, thanks for providing me an opening for posting that last news item. Didn't feel like starting a whole thread for it...

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think maybe he oughta not bother ever starting *any* RHOD thread. Or continuing one.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: new pool
From: "Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net>
Date: Sun, 30 Nov 2003 03:14:22 GMT

"The Dumpster" <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com> wrote
: Viki wrote:
: > so the dead pool is still going on strong but there haven't been many points, so at work we are now starting a "michael jackson memorial pool" in which points may be earned by celebrities of varying degrees getting into trouble with the law, in an oj simpson-esque kind of way
: > there are special rules for robert downey jr [additional points for the revocation of parole] and rush limbaugh [additional points awarded if the offense is something related to an activity publicly denounced by the celebrity in the past]
: > tis fun, we have too much free time on our hands.
: > Viki, avoiding proper capitalization and punctuation for fun and profit
: Alright that's just too awesome, Viki you're a genius, and I want in on this game!

Well, if the others at work agree, it's fine with me if you want to join in. I'll have to get a copy of those already picked, tho. Think of five names, three regular picks and two powerballs. : )


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: new pool
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sun, 30 Nov 2003 16:33:21 GMT

Viki attempted to infuriate me by saying:
> Well, if the others at work agree, it's fine with me if you want to join in. I'll have to get a copy of those already picked, tho. Think of five names, three regular pricks and two powerballs. : )

*boggle*


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Very funny, Jim
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Wed, 26 Nov 2003 02:55:56 -0600

TimC wrote:
> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>It was fun when you kept it electronic, but but now you've gone too far.
>> http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/news/20031125p2a00m0fp003000c.html
>>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies take more Valtrex, milligram for milligram, than any creature in the universe
> Why the hell would anyone *try* to grow carp? It's not like they have much trouble. Proverbial bloody little cute fluffy bunny rabbits of the rivers. Except that little cute fluffy bunny rabits don't kill everything else.

These aren't normal lake or river carp, they're decorative. For stocking in koi ponds and the like. I guess it's a good business to be in, except obviously when herpes is running rampant.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ladies, please my I have some volunteers?
From: Donald Welsh <dwelsh.melbpc.org.au>
Date: Sat, 29 Nov 2003 16:07:40 +1100

Donald Welsh wrote:
> TimC wrote:
>> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>> Doctor seeks women to test 'Orgasmatron':
>>> A US doctor is seeking female volunteers to test an Orgasmatron, an implanted device that will trigger instant ecstasy.
>>> http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/s998093.htm
>>> Damn, just when I thought I had the market cornered.
>>> One major con, one major pro. The Con: it's "no riskier than having an epidural". The Pro: it "can be switched on and off with a remote control."

I've heard about having trouble getting a date, but when you go to the trouble of building an orgasm machine and still don't get any takers, that's a new low. Maybe he needs to build an underground lair and kidnap beautiful women, enslaving them by making them addicted to his powerful Orgasmotron (tm). Phase one: build orgasm machine. Phase two: take over the world. Phase three: profit!

>> Paging the Vikster.
> Dibs on the remote.

I want it built into a phone so she'll come when I call.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: House hunting
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 27 Nov 2003 02:31:46 GMT

So we've decided to look for a new house, someplace closer to where we work and play. So we're looking at houses today, all day long, and we come to the horrible realization that most architects have apparently never lived in a house before. I mean really, whose idea was it to design a master suite where you have to walk through the bathroom to get to the closet? That's just insane.

And what the hell is the problem with trees? Why do builders in the US hate trees so much? Okay, so you are building fifty houses, each of which has a footprint of 1000 square feet, more or less. Why is it necessary to completely scour ninety acres of trees from the surface to build a neighborhood? And all the real estate agents can say is, "most people end up planting new trees anyway." DUUUUUH. All the OLD trees are GONE fercrine. Of COURSE they end up planting new trees, else they would HAVE NONE. If you left the friggin trees in the first place, they wouldn't have to plant new ones!

I'm sure the nurseries are in on the conspiracy.

My other gripe is with this whole idea of having the front door open directly onto the family room. I don't know about most people, but the family room is where our family hangs out. That means it is where school books, junk mail, laptop bags, dogs and cats get dropped where they may fall, and hence it is always messy. Hence it is almost always in a state that makes it embarassing for someone to drop by for a visit. Hazel doesn't live here folks. Put the family room on the back of the house, hidden away from Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses and whatnot, so we don't have to invent excuses for why someone has to wait on the front porch. "I'm sorry, but we just reseeded the lawn in our living room can't walk on it right now I'm sure you understand."

Of course if two guys ride up on bikes, we know what to do.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: House hunting
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 27 Nov 2003 15:41:49 GMT

TimC attempted to infuriate me by saying:
> Fierce Cookie wrote:
>> Of course if two guys ride up on bikes, we know what to do.
> Please explain.

There are several approaches you can take with this sort of visitor. One is to simply say, "no thanks, I'm not interested," and leave it at that. This is, in fact, the quickest and easiest method to get them off your doorstep and down the drive. It is also the least entertaining.

If you wish to entertain yourself (and build a repertoire of funny stories to tell) you must spend a bit more time and effort. Your options are limited only by your imagination, but here are a couple of suggestions:

1. "I'm a zanier zealot than you are." Invent a religion and become the founder and spiritual leader. It doesn't matter if you are also the only follower, but having one or two others in on the game doesn't hurt. An alternate method is to be a follower of some obscure sect, and gush over how brilliant the leader is. Either way, the game is to try to convince them to convert to your religion. This is, after all, what they are trying to do to you, and fair is fair.

2. "I'm a needy person who keeps misinterpreting everything you say." This can be fun, especially with missionaries for cults with bizarre teachings. "Okay, this is cool! I read about this guy, see, he's an angel, but he's a moron or something. Is that one of your angels?"

Method 1 was surprisingly successful once, many years ago. I was, unfortunately, not the one who used it. I think I may have told this story here before, but I'm not certain, and anyhow it's a good one, so here goes:

I knew a fellow who was a burglar. I didn't know it at the time, but it turned out that all the things he "owned" were things he had burgled. The stereo, the clothing, the toaster, the books, and probably the toilet paper in the bathroom. One day, I headed over to his house to play Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (he was an excellent Dungeon Master), and I discovered that the door was locked. His door was never locked (odd that a burglar wouldn't lock his doors, but that wasn't the only odd thing he had ever done.) So anyway, I peek in the window and see that his living room is completely denuded of all audio equipment. I don't remember the brands, but he had some very nice stuff, including a linear-tracking turntable[1] and some bitching speakers. It was all gone.

Next thing I find out, this guy is in jail, and his live-in girlfriend needs a place to stay. So being the nice guy I am, I offer to let her stay at my place. No sooner does she move in than I discover, to my horror, that she is a strumpet. Her boyfriend is in the slammer, and she's doing some slamming of her own, with practically every guy who is NOT in the slammer. Sort of a perpetual motion machine, if you get my drift.

Now along with this perpetual motion girl arrived a very black, very big motorcycle. The motorcycle belonged to her jailed boyfriend. As none of us was able to drive it, we parked it on the front porch, which was a nice place to party.[2] This front porch, being decorated with many fine plants, had a kind of jungly look to it, kind of like one of those temples in the Amazon where ancient priests cut out the hearts of the losers in an antiquated game of basketball. One of my prize possesions at the time was a large cactus. Say about three feet high, ten inches in diameter, and loaded with sharp[3] spines.

So one day, or night, or afternoon, I'm not sure when, we were all sitting on the front porch drinking beer and wine and continuing the never-ending game of Uno, when we thought about the templish aspects of our environs, and decided to create a religion. The motorcycle was marvelous, and it was our task to maintain it. So we named the place the "Temple of the Marvelously Maintained Motorcycle"[4] The strumpet we nominated for "High Priestess of Perpetual Motion." And the large cactus became our "Shaft of a Thousand Screams." We were all set.

One day, while I was at work (SOMEbody in this menagerie had to bring home some cash, else the beer would run out) a couple of nicely dressed women dropped by the Temple. My house mate, being drunk as usual, decided to have a bit of fun with them. They wanted to talk about a watchtower or something, and he wasn't having any of it. As it happens, his name was Paul[5]. Here is the conversation:

JW1: Hi, we're in the neighborhood passing out literature about our cult. Can we come into your house?

Paul: Well, I'm not really interested in that, but you might be interested to know that you are in the sanctuary of the Temple of the Marvelously Maintained Motorcycle.

JW2 (or JW1, I'm not sure): But...

Paul: My apologies, but our High Priestess of Perpetual Motion is not here at the moment, but if you could come back tomorrow, I'm sure we could arrange for a virgin sacrifice on the [pointing at cactus] Shaft of a Thousand Screams.

[JW1 & JW2 run away, screaming]

Paul: Be sure to come back tomorrow!

I know the actual conversation was rather short, but it was entertaining nonetheless. Paul always told it better, but as he's no longer around[6], the duty falls to me. Ah, the glorious days of college.

Notes:

[1] For those youngsters out there, a turntable is a device for extracting audio sounds from a circular piece of vinyl with a hole punched in the middle. The hole goes on top of a spindle (see, e.g., http://www.trojangames.co.uk/ ) and a mechanical arm with a tiny diamond "needle" is placed upon the disk. The diamond sort of "rides" in a groove on the vinyl, and small distortions in the vinyl send vibrations up through the diamond. Provided it is connected to the appropriate electronic acoutrements and some bitching speakers, all this produces sound. Preferably sounds made by guys with long hair and lots of electricity at their disposal. As for the linear-tracking bit, that was all well and good if you could afford it, but I never saw that many, and come to think of it, up until the arrest, I couldn't figure out how my acquaintance could afford one, since I never knew him to work. Anyway, linear-tracking was supposed to be the most fantastic turntable technology ever, since it blah blah blah and this that and the other. Suffice to say it was expensive.

[2] One summer, I hosted a party there. It lasted ALL summer. Great party, from what I remember of it.

[3] I once had one of the spines embedded in my knee after bumping up against the cactus. I'm surprised I can still walk -- it was over 1/2 inch long, and it went straight into my kneecap.

[4] With full apologies directed towards Mr. Frederick Pohl.

[5] Really, his name was Paul, just the same as mine. I'm not making this up.

[6] He committed suicide less than a year later.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: House hunting
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 28 Nov 2003 11:35:28 +1100

'Fierce Cookie' wrote:
>--
>Putain de 2CV, who has nothing significant to .sig right now.

This is about the third or fourth witty, insightful, deep-thoughted post in a row from FC that I've read, and every time I hit this .sig I think "Well, surely he's got something significant to put there *now*".

I can only assume that by "nothing significant right now" he means *at the very moment before he presses the send button*, otherwise he'd have to put several inconveniently large documents at the end of every message.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: House hunting
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Fri, 28 Nov 2003 01:53:12 GMT

Screwtape wrote:
> This is about the third or fourth witty, insightful, deep-thoughted post in a row from FC that I've read, and every time I hit this .sig I think "Well, surely he's got something significant to put there *now*".

Okay.

--
Putain de 2CV
"Well, surely he's got something significant to put there *now*" -- Screwtape


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: House hunting
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Thu, 27 Nov 2003 19:47:49 -0700

Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
> So we've decided to look for a new house, someplace closer to where we work and play. So we're looking at houses today, all day long, and we come to the horrible realization that most architects have apparently never lived in a house before. I mean really, whose idea was it to design a master suite where you have to walk through the bathroom to get to the closet? That's just insane.
> And what the hell is the problem with trees? Why do builders in the US hate trees so much? Okay, so you are building fifty houses, each of which has a footprint of 1000 square feet, more or less. Why is it necessary to completely scour ninety acres of trees from the surface to build a neighborhood? And all the real estate agents can say is, "most people end up planting new trees anyway." DUUUUUH. All the OLD trees are GONE fercrine. Of COURSE they end up planting new trees, else they would HAVE NONE. If you left the friggin trees in the first place, they wouldn't have to plant new ones!

I've always thought that buying a house in one of _those_ neighborhoods is a form of self-punishment. Whether it's sufficient punishment to make restitution for the destruction caused by building said houses is still an open question.

Anyway, to answer your question: Because it's easier that way. The old trees didn't grow in such a way to permit maximum housing density. It's true that some could no doubt have remained, but that would require thought, planning, and effort, all of which would raise costs. So, the solution is just to clear-cut the whole area first, and let the suckers^Wbuyers deal with it later.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: House hunting
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Fri, 28 Nov 2003 03:30:16 GMT

Tom Harrington attempted to infuriate me by saying:
> So, the solution is just to clear-cut the whole area first, and let the suckers^Wbuyers deal with it later.

Yebbut the areas we're looking at have 1.6+ acre lots. To be fair, some of the subdivisions have wooded lots. Others have been clear cut. In one of the clear cut ones they left one or two oak trees per lot. These trees were upwards of 100 years old, judging by the girth. And in some lots they still had the mowed-down trees piled up, waiting to be burnt -- yet another bit of evil stupidity.

To make matters worse, when they do the clear "cutting" they do it with huge bulldozers that weigh tons. This causes the soil to become compacted to a density approaching that of bedrock, making it nigh impossible to grow anything with roots deeper than maybe six inches. Oh, and of course they scrape the topsoil off, too. Lovely idea, that. Makes having a garden much more difficult.

Now I think the farmers and grocers may be in on the conspiracy as well.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Happy Thanksgiving
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 27 Nov 2003 14:27:22 GMT

To all rhodents, USian or otherwise, a happiest of days to you. Here we celebrate the legendary cooperation between invaders and invaded by feasting on assorted meats, vegetables, cylindrical cranberry jelly cut to mimic sliced beets, and the odd orange cucurbit pulverized, spiced, sugared, and baked in the bottom half of a pie crust.

We also endeavor to count our many blessings, amongst which, for this lucky priest, can be counted high the lot of you fine people.

Hugs all 'round, they're on me.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: A recipe for collard greens
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 27 Nov 2003 14:45:07 GMT

For those who have never partaken of the fine Collard Green, here is my recipe:

1 bag prewashed cut collards (1 pound)
1 medium Vidalia onion, minced
1/2 jalapeno pepper, minced
1 tsp crushed red pepper
1 cup chopped ham
1 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
water to cover

Sauté onions in olive oil two minutes. Add garlic, jalapeno, and red pepper. Sauté until onions are clear, another couple of minutes. Add ham. Add collards. Add salt. Cover with water. Boil for two hours or so, adding water as necessary to keep covered, until tender.

The prewashed kind are the BOMB. If you buy the bunched type straight from the farm, you have to wash them no less than seven times (I'm not kidding, my Dear Old Aunt Cat taught us it was "seven waters.") The prewashed precut kind just rock. All you have to do is maybe remove the biggest stems, and you're ready to go.

And yes, I'm cooking some right now. I'm also cooking the turkey (basting it with sherry and real butterTM). In approximately one hour we will be leaving for Auburn, AL, to visit the in-laws for Thanksgiving dinner. And we're supposed to drive down there with a cooked turkey and collard greens. Hah! The aromas will drive us mad, I tell you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: OT
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Sun, 30 Nov 2003 19:53:16 GMT

The Dumpster wrote:
> I had sent a supplication to TIO several weeks ago and I was really starting to wonder what had happened to my query, had I stumped the might Oracle? Or was I just a victim of a spurious encounter with an unfriendly electric charge?
> But then today, a bright ray of sun burst into my e-mail! There it was...the perfect answer.
> Thank you. I just hope the priests see the brilliance!

So do we, but somehow all the brilliant Oracularities seem to get lost, or perhaps they get tarnished in transit.



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