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2004 01

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cat or Dog....
From: Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au>
Date: Sun, 4 Jan 2004 01:53:24 +0000 (UTC)

Justin L Croonenberghs wrote:
> I was thinking of getting a pet, and I am stuck between cat or dog. While a dog is loyal, obedient and intelligent, a cat is spiteful, willful, hates you, and doesn't seem to understand when you point at a bowl of food.
> But then, I like pain. What should I do?

Get a cat, and bathe it frequently.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AwRight!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Thu, 08 Jan 2004 07:29:53 -0000

Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.hotmail.com> said:
> Although I must admit that I need to work harder at not being cannon fodder for Uncle Ian's and Master Macks' acerbic wits.

Well then stop leaving your balls out when we're loading the artillery!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are glad he comment on the gauge


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wow!
From: Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au>
Date: Fri, 9 Jan 2004 03:31:10 +0000 (UTC)

Henriette Kress wrote:
> Hetta, who speaks any of 4 languages all jumbled together with her
> siblings, who don't speak French or Russian, else it'd be 6

Let's see, that would be German, Swedish, Finnish, and ...? What's the 4rd language?

-- DW, still learning Australian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Eyes
From: ossipewsk.hotmail.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
Date: 6 Jan 2004 16:45:50 -0800

TimC wrote...
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> > Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti was very sad to find out that cuttles can be smarter than cats but only have 18-24 months lifespans :-(
> No, surely not possible.
> Can they open the back door by running against it, and when that plan is foiled by the locks on the door being fixed, then push the acrylic cat flap, so it flexes over the latch, and when that is fixed, reach in behind and pull the cat flap, and when another latch is fitted to stop it being pulled, break that latch?

Yes[1], yes[2], too easy and no[3].

> Well, that's what Phred did all in lastweek. This week, he's just going to steal the keys from my wallet.

'cos he's figgered out that driving the car through the back door will fuck up that stupid cat door forever[4].

Good siggy. D'ya think ST is a cephalopod?

--
"... if I don't think at all, I type QWERTY."
-- Screwtape, rhod, reveals his inner calm.

[1] Well, by swimming or slithering against it, but let's not discriminate.
[2] But they wouldn't, they'd just undo the latch
[3] They wouldn't break the latch, they'd just undo it.
[4] Whereas a cephalopod would take the car out, get it fully detailed, fetch beer, pizza and a movie and still be back in time to do the laundry.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Eyes
From: ossipewsk.hotmail.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
Date: 11 Jan 2004 18:11:23 -0800

Screwtape wrote...
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> > D'ya think ST is a cephalopod?
> I'm not a cephalopod, I'm a lagomorph!

Fibber. You don't have furry feet and I will not throw you in the briar patch, no matter how much you beg.

> I'll get me 'at.

Akubras are made from rabbit-fur, you know that, don't you?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In the days leading up to September
From: "Justin L Croonenberghs" <danruiid.702com.net>
Date: Fri, 09 Jan 2004 01:19:59 GMT

"Tom Harrington" <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote
> "Justin L Croonenberghs" <danruiid.702com.net> wrote:
> > > Cops Chase Car, Find 20 Nude People
> > > Associated Press -- 20/Aug/93
> > Yes...always an amusing story. The real question is, how did they get into the car without any lubrication?
> I don't think the story said they weren't lubricated...

Well, true enough...but most people don't carry 55 gallon drums of KY jelly with them. At least I don't anymore. Not after the incident with the squirrels...


From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>

Not after the incident with the squirrels...

GIF!

Or perhaps X-Ray!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't want to know where or who was hiding their nuts


From dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au Fri Jan 09 04:18:53 2004
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In the days leading up to September
From: Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au>
Date: Fri, 9 Jan 2004 02:18:53 +0000 (UTC)

Tom Harrington wrote:
> "Justin L Croonenberghs" <danruiid.702com.net> wrote:
>> Yes...always an amusing story. The real question is, how did they get into the car without any lubrication?
> I don't think the story said they weren't lubricated...

The story didn't say what the RV ran on, either.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ow.
From: David Robley <robleydat.ozemail.com>
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 17:39:00 +1030

spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net says...
> Chris Wesling wrote:
> > Henriette Kress wrote:
> >> Just got a query for recipes with dried cucumbers.
> >> Argh.
> >> Somebody didn't quite get the whole idea of cucumbers, eh?
> > Pardon my vegetative ignorance, but what *is* the whole idea of cucumbers? And why does it preclude drying them?
> Crisp green moisture. It has no taste to speak of, you only want it for the water.
> Dry them and what do you have? Something even worse than dried zucchini, which are horrible, believe me.

It has been my opinion for a long time that 'horrible' describes zucchini in any state of [de]hydration.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ow.
From: Kegs <me.privacy.net>
Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 18:15:55 +0000
TimC <tconnors.no.astro.spam.swin.accepted.edu.here.au> writes:
> David Robley wrote:
>> It has been my opinion for a long time that 'horrible' describes zucchini in any state of [de]hydration.
> I kept trying to convince my mum that I didn't like zucchini.
> She kept on serving it to me. A few years ago, when I reminded her that I don't like zucchini, she said "oh, you never told me". Next time I visited her, she served me zucchini.
> Anyway, one time, I gave all my zucchini to one of the cats. He ate it. He loved it.

What did you expect? The cats have been fed zucchini by your mom since they deigned to move in, as well. She didn't believe them when they told her either[1] and she has been blithely feeding them it since anyway.

Funny what you get to like if you don't really have any choice in the matter.

[1] cat: "Meow! Meow meow, mew"
Tim's Mom: "whats that? You never said before!"
cat: "meow *meow*!"
TM: "Really? I thought you liked them, oh well"
cat: "meow"
...ten minutes later...
TM: "dinnertime, its your favourite too, zucchini!"
cat: "*meow*"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ow.
From: René Torenstra <r_torenstra._hotmail_.com>
Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 05:18:20 +0100

TimC wrote:
>The Dumpster wrote:
>> TimC wrote:
>>> 2 years ago (to the day, I suspect), when I was hiking in Tasmania, and hadn't seen civilisation for a week, we met up with some people who had obviously seen civilisation that day. They had a supply of cucumber and tomatoes with them. One of the people I was with was *extremely* grateful of their generosity when they gave us some cucumber.
>> Oh, she was horny then?
>Yes. Damn annoying when there is a good looking chick having sex with a guy who is not you, when you are all in a 3 person tent.

Yes, that's annoying. Get a bigger tent.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hard lines, Sid.
From: ossipewsk.hotmail.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
Date: 11 Jan 2004 18:36:36 -0800

Cleopatra VII wrote...
> Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au> wrote:
> > At least I actually saw both wickets fall and I caught a glimpse of the beer wench who was ejected/thrown out because she kept ejecting/throwing out bits of herself to the crowd...
> A beer wench? You mean like this one?
> http://www.sxxxy.org/archives/000454.html#more

Almost exactly like that one. More of a brunette, slightly more athletic build and somewhat less of a wedgie going on in the short-shorts department.

But otherwise identical.

> Cleo, who recommends the front page instead to avoid the naughty banner ad. A shocking sight indeed for a young innocent girl such as myself.

Oh, I'm sure your friend/lover/brother/husband Tolly showed you much worse at the Lower Nile Chariot Racing and Hyskos-beheading Carnival in BCE 48.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Huge Monetary Prize
From: The Dumpster <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com>
Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 03:07:30 GMT

I am offering a cool $10 USD prize for anyone who can prove I am NOT God.

And don't go asking me to perform a miracle or any other crap, the point isn't for me to prove that I am God, but for you to prove that I am not. To win the HUGE cash prize the burden of proof is on you, not me.

Good luck.

From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
God is dead. You are not. QED. I can take the money via PayPal.

From: René Torenstra <r_torenstra._hotmail_.com>
You are not God.
If you were God, you would have known in your omniscient ways that I would prove you were not God.

From: Rhodnius <erik.SPAMFILTER-dos486.com>
If you were God, you'd be capable of entertaining yourself. QED.

From: "Paul McCue" <newsremovethisplease.tiko.demon.co.uk>
Omipresent, eh? I just looked behind the sofa and you weren't there.

From: "Paul McCue" <newsremovethisplease.tiko.demon.co.uk>
Hrm .. unless, that is you're very small...

From: Jason <jbeasley75.charter.net>
And can be vacuumed up.

From: Fierce Cookie Well, DUH. You live in Texas. Hell is hot. Texas is hot as hell. God does not live in hell. QED.

From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.unitedheroes.SPAMISBAD.net>
Pff.. That's easy.
You're not God because I do not believe in you.
For that matter, I do not not believe in you either.
I don't really care if you either do or do not exist.
For in Faith all things are possible.
That's why she's on the pill.

From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
> For that matter, I do not not believe in you either.
Careful...if you don't believe in DMP or God, then DMP *is* God.
> That's why she's on the pill.

Yeah, but Faith is only needed when you can't understand how something works on your own or by doing research. Kinda like when your dad's too embarrassed to explain the facts of life so he just gives you some money and drops you off at a brothel--Faith is a "learners' whore".

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies only know one kind of "church" that requires you to pay for its services.


From: google.unitedheroes.net (TechnoAtheist)

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org> wrote
> Careful...if you don't believe in DMP or God, then DMP *is* God.

Actually quite the contrary.

As much as one has Faith, one must have Faith in something. God requisites Faith. By not having belief requiring logical proof or material evidence (the very definition of Faith) in the existence of DMP, I cannot be called into Faith for him. Insomuch as a collary of Augustinian logic, which is to say that he cannot claim to be God because by claiming to be God he nullifies his own argument.

Faith, like quantum physics, often requires staggering amounts of alcohol in order to understand. Probably explains why for many faiths, part of the ceremony involves public drinking.

> Yeah, but Faith is only needed when you can't understand how something works on your own or by doing research. Kinda like when your dad's too embarrassed to explain the facts of life so he just gives you some money and drops you off at a brothel--Faith is a "learners' whore".

And that explains the tiny wheels attached to the sides of churches.

I'd actually counter that Faith is often used by those who do not wish to do their own investigations. You know, if I were God, I'd be really pissed about those sorts of folks. You spend all week working on the details and these idiots refuse to even notice them. Right bunch of bastards, they are.

> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies only know one kind of "church" that requires you to pay for its services

You, sir, have put a whole new spin on the collection plate.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Huge Monetary Prize
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 18:00:07 +0000

The Dumpster <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com> writes
>René Torenstra wrote:
>> The Dumpster wrote:
>>>I am offering a cool $10 USD prize for anyone who can prove I am NOT God.

Omnipotent, and all he's prepared to offers is a paltry $10? No wonder I'm an atheist.

>> You are not God.
>> If you were God, you would have known in your omniscient ways that I would prove you were not God.
>
>That argument seems pretty solid, except it means you have to prove you ARE God, an even more difficult task than proving I'm not it would seem to me.
>You might try blinking me out of existence....

I'm sure one of the commandments says "Thou shalt not killfile the Lord thy God", or something like that.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*-----*---richard killfiled, use rwilson-
--*----*---*----Who wonders what was going through the Dumpster's--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*--head when He created hemorrhoids--*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What Day is it?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 09:02:12 -0000

The Dumpster <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com> said:
> What day of September is it?
> Is there a good calculator on the net to help me?

RHOD (obviously) is the source of all information, including this, and you can easily use RHOD itself to figure it out. Just pull every one of Jellyroll's posts, do a simple linear fit to the relevant header lines, and extrapolate to today. To account for local variation such as his clock drift, I wait for someone to whine about September and then T"T"H to respond by posting his result.

But in answer to your original question, today is Wednesday. HTH.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if net-time will ever slow down so much that we will even get stuck in a single engless day.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bush Lied, Americans Died
From: Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au>
Date: Sun, 11 Jan 2004 00:34:55 +0000 (UTC)

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Depending on one's opinion on the topic at hand, one might find this work-safe URL:
> http://tinyurl.com/twat (jpg of bush doing something or other)
> to be a coincidence, a bit of political humor, or something scarier than goatse. But yet strangely work-safe.

It's no coincidence. After all, he started The War Against Terrorism. Which should end about the same time as September.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Leave Paris Alone!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Thu, 08 Jan 2004 07:51:21 -0000

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
> Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
>> Has anyone else seen the late 70s-early 80s porno called "Biker Babe Zombie Vixens?" Me neither.
> Has anyone else seen the late 70s-early 80s Christmas cartoon porno called "The Grinch who Poled Christmas"? Or maybe "Frosty the Hole Man"? Or how about the Rankin-Bass ripoff, "Santa Claus is Coming in Town"?
> Me neither.

Yeah, and how about "Little Hummer Boy", "Eight Crazy Dykes", "Mirabel on 69th Street", "Let Her Blow", "It's Your Wonderful Wife", or "Oh Cum Like Old Faithful"? I haven't even *heard* of some of those!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies won't make any "but it's only available in 8mm" jokes


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Spam fun
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 2004 09:27:30 -0000

Michael Hamm <mhamm.artsci.wustl.edu> said:
> Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote, in part:
>> While reviewing my spam filter, I find that a few days ago I received a message with the following subject:
>> Want a biflabbygger pencorroborateis
>> I don't know what a pencorroborateis, /\ but I'm sure that if I did I'd
> ^ is

"Pencorroborateisis"? Isn't that one of them things you get vaccinated against before visiting Africa? Or is it the name of some species that thrives in a box of borax?

> I don't know, either, but it's mightier than the sword.

Many things are, my friend...many things are.

Zippers, for one.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are famous in the ER


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Spam fun
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Wed, 14 Jan 2004 05:54:52 -0000
Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au> said:
> Tom Harrington wrote...
>> While reviewing my spam filter, I find that a few days ago I received a message with the following subject:
>> Want a biflabbygger pencorroborateis
>==>
> bi______gger pen___________is
> __flabby____ ___corroborate__
> Bizarre. How on earth they figure anyone smart enough to figure that out will still respond to their pleas is way beyond me.

It's targeted to those who have a lot of tim on their hands because their weewee is too wee...

If one has a sufficiently-bass-clef skin-flute, one would have taken a quick glance at how obfuscated it is, say "aw, fuck this ad!", sit back in his chair, and actually do so, in which case he didn't need the All New Wang-Doodle Wonder-Worker 4000X in the first place.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies turn their own pages while playing the violin


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Spam fun
From: Jason <jbeasley75.charter.net>
Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2004 11:41:21 -0600

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> If one has a sufficiently-bass-clef skin-flute, one would have taken a quick glance at how obfuscated it is, say "aw, fuck this ad!", sit back in his chair, and actually do so, in which case he didn't need the All New Wang-Doodle Wonder-Worker 4000X in the first place.
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies turn their own pages while playing the violin

Very subtle ad for your product there, but you forgot the price.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Spam fun
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 07:12:36 -0000

Jason <jbeasley75.charter.net> said:
> Very subtle ad for your product there, but you forgot the price.

I could put a starting price, but I was thinking of auctioning it. That way the more it raises it, the more it is raised.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies know a thing or two about marketing


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Spam fun
From: Daniel Glick <news.danielglick.com>
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 00:28:04 -0700

Daniel P. wrote:
> Donald Welsh wrote:
>> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>> Donald Welsh wrote...
>>>> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>>>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies know a thing or two about marketing
>>>> The more you pay, the more it's worth.
>>> It's worth what the market will bear.
>> Speaking of which, one of our regular posters shows up in slrn as "Eli the Bear". Just thought I'd mention that.
> Which one?

Eli the Bear.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jessica Simpson topless all new
From: Jason <jbeasley75.charter.net>
Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2004 11:49:47 -0600

God (until someone can prove otherwise) wrote:
> TimC wrote:
>> God (until someone can prove otherwise) wrote:
>>> me wrote:
>>>> Jessica Simpson topless all new
>>> Who wants to see a cartoon character naked? Especially a baby one...
>> That's Maggy. As God, you should know that. Hence, my proof you are not God.
> You are assuming that God is omniscient, abandon your notions of Christian God and I might let you into heaven...

Okay, I see what brought on this complex of yours. You are surrounded by naked women at work and you can turn the lights on. Therefore, all I have to do is pay the cover charge to enter your heaven.

Just forget the ten bucks and send me a free pass, we'll call it even.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Bakery Half-Life - A Survey
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <jellyroll.the.pope.INVALIDpotnoodle.net>
Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2004 07:03:01 GMT

I'm turning on^Wto you folks to evaluate an idea I've just had. It involves (the?) Mohs Scale, biscuits (that's "cookies" to some), cakes, buns (no relation to "buttocks") and breads - all the things you'd find in a bakery.
As any fule kno, old biscuits go soft, old cakes go hard. Hardness is measured on Mohs Scale. Different biscuits and cakes in different climates will take different amounts of time to go soft or hard to the point where they're only edible by the desperate.

I feel that this needs research. The questions:

  1. Is there a point on Mohs Scale that represents a level of hardness that is both too soft for biscuits and too hard for cakes? Can this point be defined for *all* biscuits and cakes (and buns and breads) or are there some that will prove exceptions, such as pumpernickel and pink wafers?
  2. Is the time required to reach this hypothetical level of unpleasantness constant per biscuit and per cake (in a given environment), or does it vary between brands? Is it illusion that Jacobs Fig Rolls get inedibly hard before Sainsbury's own brand, while the opposite is true for their respective brands of Jaffa Cakes?
  3. Can an inexpensive home-testing kit be developed that will permit the determination of a bakery product's hardness, or will the tabulation of the results of independent scientific testing render such a kit redundant by providing a reliable method of determination based only on date opened, average ambient temperature and relative humidity (the factors that shirley have the greatest effect on hardness)?

I'd like to think this has the makings of an AIR listing, but peer-review is important in these matters, so it's over to you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bakery Half-Life - A Survey
From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: 15 Jan 2004 16:58:08 GMT

And Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> I'm turning on^Wto you folks to evaluate an idea I've just had. It involves (the?) Mohs Scale, biscuits (that's "cookies" to some), cakes, buns (no relation to "buttocks") and breads - all the things you'd find in a bakery.

I know you've chosen the name "Jellyroll," and frankly I'd always wondered why, but I'm afraid that considering matters to this sort of depth is a sure sign of complete and utter madness.

Welcome back!

> As any fule kno, old biscuits go soft, old cakes go hard. Hardness is measured on Mohs Scale. Different biscuits and cakes in different climates will take different amounts of time to go soft or hard to the point where they're only edible by the desperate.

I think you've forgotten one valuable piece of the equation: personalities. There are, as far as I can tell, three distinct types: the connoisseur, the unaware, and the bachelor. The first will turn up his nose at anything over a week or two old, just on principle, and will try his best to ensure optimum conditions to preserve the life of baked goods. The second follows the crowd mentality and places such things in "bread boxes" or the refrigerator, and throws out only after tasting. The third, and certainly the worst, will only throw the goods in the bin if it has mold on it -- and maybe not even then.

> I feel that this needs research. The questions:
> 1 Is there a point on Mohs Scale that represents a level of hardness that is both too soft for biscuits and too hard for cakes?

*sigh* The sad thing is, most people follow this type of reasoning, even though it makes no sense whatsoever.

Look: cookies (or biscuits, if you must, but that goes back to the same problem [0]) are supposed to be soft. No, really. Not quite cake-like soft, as that's too hard, but soft enough that they almost melt in your mouth. Cookies straight out of the oven (when baked properly) have the requisite softness, but not the proper integrity; waiting a mere ten minutes changes things to the point where they're edible -- but at this point, the clock is ticking. You only have bare days before they reach a point on the Mohs Scale where they're just not worth eating anymore; a point I call the "storebought cookie" stage [1].

There are exceptions, naturally; gingerbread is one that immediately springs to mind. But I don't like hard cookies as a rule, since, when biting into one, crumbs explode out due to the force of the impact. Any careless loss of cookies or cookie-related items is, of course, a crime against bakers everywhere.

> Can this point be defined for *all* biscuits and cakes (and buns and breads) or are there some that will prove exceptions, such as pumpernickel and pink wafers?

Giving the above, this question makes no sense. However, I think you'll find that it's determinate on the above of the above; that is, it varies from person to person.

> 2 Is the time required to reach this hypothetical level of unpleasantness constant per biscuit and per cake (in a given environment), or does it vary between brands?

I would substitute "recipes" for "brands" in this question, as most storebought cookies, cakes, pastries, and other baked goods aren't worth the cardboard they're made out of. Storebought sandwich bread is tolerable, but home-made is several hundred times better -- and invariably lasts longer, due to not having to be transported long distances.

The answer to your question is "variable"; four thousand or more years of recipes can't be wrong. Some are specifically designed to last long but not necessarily taste great (though still edible), while others are meant to be devoured instantly and with great relish before the taste evaporates entirely. There are still others that have little or no taste initially, but when you allow the food to set, pure heaven. Then there are many types between these three extremes.

> Is it illusion that Jacobs Fig Rolls get inedibly hard before Sainsbury's own brand, while the opposite is true for their respective brands of Jaffa Cakes?

I do not know of these "fig rolls" and "jaffa cakes" of which you speak, but I can only assume that these are storebought brands.

> 3 Can an inexpensive home-testing kit be developed that will permit the determination of a bakery product's hardness, or will the tabulation of the results of independent scientific testing render such a kit redundant by providing a reliable method of determination based only on date opened, average ambient temperature and relative humidity (the factors that shirley have the greatest effect on hardness)?

Change "opened" to "baked," and you may be on to something here (vacuum-sealed packages are all well and good, but they don't stop time), not to mention the ability to be able to extend the application universally. Again, however, you have the problem of the different personality types.

The larger problem, though, is that the Mohs scale is not, from what I've seen, objective. There are no numerical equivalents to "too hard" or "too soft", much less "desired squishyness" (or whatever you may want to call it) that the public can reference to figure out whether or not their pastry is stale. And the reason for this is that each type requires different levels -- as you've noticed with your example of biscuits and cakes. Extend that same problem to bagels, muffins, doughnuts, hamburger rolls, etc, and you see how large the scope we're talking about really is.

It *might* be possible to institute some sort of "sliding scale" -- perhaps something on the order of cookies and cakes on one end, unleavened bread on the other -- but it would be further complicated by all sorts of rules and conditions. Like, if you have a cookie that has surpassed a hamburger bun on the Mohs scale, is it still worth eating? What about the sourdough that has been sitting on the shelf long enough to pass a pie crust, but without the fruity goodness inside; is it still worth using as a breadbowl?

And how would one test? There's the drop-from-a-half-metre-or-more that everyone's done, accidentally or not, at least once: if it breaks upon impact or chips the veneer, it's too hard. But as most people use the floor for their end surface, one might not want to eat the result even if it does pass that test. Ability to soak up liquid? Ick; nothing worse than soggy stale bread.

These are the types of thoughts that go through only the connoisseur's mind -- which is right back to the same spot we are in today.

> I'd like to think this has the makings of an AIR listing, but peer-review is important in these matters, so it's over to you.

I think you're on the right track -- a simple, definitive work on the subject has long been missing, not to mention desired -- but I'm wondering about the feasibility of such a thing. You have many large obstacles ahead of you on this particular path.


[0] As a 'merican, biscuits, to me, are these hand-sized flour puffs with the slightly hard exterior that one splits open and spreads butter on. Calling "cookies" "biscuits" seems to be the reason that some people think that cookies should be as tough and resilient as biscuits, which is why most people have never had a truely good cookie in their life.

[1] Though, admittedly, there are some brands of storebought cookies which are decent enough to save me the trouble of making up a batch myself. Mrs Fields is one, Pepperidge Farms soft-bake is another.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bakery Half-Life - A Survey
From: Whatever <whatever.whatever.com>
Date: 16 Jan 2004 09:55:35 GMT

steven wrote
> I think you've forgotten one valuable piece of the equation: personalities. There are, as far as I can tell, three distinct types: the connoisseur, the unaware, and the bachelor. The first will turn up his nose at anything over a week or two old, just on principle, and will try his best to ensure optimum conditions to preserve the life of baked goods. The second follows the crowd mentality and places such things in "bread boxes" or the refrigerator, and throws out only after tasting. The third, and certainly the worst, will only throw the goods in the bin if it has mold on it -- and maybe not even then.

As any long-time reader of this froup should realize, this is either an extension of, a parallel of, or a tangent to the earlier doughnut road research. Similar to doughnuts with infinitely good at one end and infinitely bad at the other, this is merely a paradigm change with cakes at one end and biscuits at the other. In this particular application, it doesn't matter which direction you go because one or the other will improve along the way. The problem seems to be that you can't achieve both at the same time, and that is simply a shame.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bakery Half-Life - A Survey
From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: 16 Jan 2004 15:19:39 GMT

And Whatever wrote:
> As any long-time reader of this froup should realize, this is either an extension of, a parallel of, or a tangent to the earlier doughnut road research. Similar to doughnuts with infinitely good
> at one end and infinitely bad at the other, this is merely a paradigm change with cakes at one end and biscuits at the other. In this particular application, it doesn't matter which direction you go because one or the other will improve along the way. The problem seems to be that you can't achieve both at the same time, and that is simply a shame.

But this "Mohrs road" cannot be infinitely long; there is such a thing as *too* fresh (i.e., uncooked), and definitely such a thing as too stale, where only mold and bachelors go and others fear to tread. If it is infinitely long, then, unlike the doughnut road, we have infinitely bad food at _both_ ends ... er, sides, after a finite measure somewhere distinctly in the middle. Inside that measure, we have additional -- and most likely overlapping -- measures for all the different kinds of pastries, based on toughness, life, squishiness, and varying other factors.

Hmmm. With all those factors for each, maybe what we have is more of an infinite *city*, with the "main road of Mohrs ideal" (a finite stretch of pavement, one would think) winding it's way and intersecting the various points of each pastry avenue. And just so the denizens of this city can get around and not have to travel the busy Mohrs Ideal Interstate, we'll have the Infinitely Good Expressway along one side, and the Infinitely Bad Highway along the other.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: An [insert adjective here] moment
From: Kegs <me.privacy.net>
Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 19:23:24 +0000

A brief moment of reflection, if you please. To mourn the passing of *THE* URI.

Its passed on! This site is no more! it has ceased to be! Its expired and gone to meet its maker! Its a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! Its pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! Its off the twig! Its kicked the bucket, its shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-SITE!![1]

The .cx registrar has decided in his infinite wisdom that the site isn't something that should be associated with Christmas Island, and has stamped upon it.

[1] Its probably pining for the fnords, too


From: "God (until someone can prove otherwise)" <daniel.dmparker.com>
> [1] Its probably pining for the fnords, too

I'm certainly not going to point out the lovely plumage...cause it didn't have any....


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: An [insert adjective here] moment
From: Kegs <me.privacy.net>
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 19:28:23 +0000

Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org> writes:
> Donald Welsh said:
> ; Kegs wrote:
> ; > Chris Wesling <wesling.nospam.invalid> writes:
> ; >> Kegs wrote:
> ; >>> A brief moment of reflection, if you please.
> ; >>> To mourn the passing of *THE* URI.
> ; >> {snippy snip}
> ; >> Hallelujah, brethren and sisthren, hallelujah!
> ; > Relieved that you'll be saved from experiencing any more of those Nietzsche moments?
> ; Nietzschean in the sense of "The URL didn't kill me, but it made me stronger", or Nietzschean in the sense of "God is dead"? [0][1]
> Or Nietzchean in the sense of gazing into an abyss?

All three apply[1], but I was actually think of the Abyss one.

[1] waddaya know, my subconscious is smarter than I thought, maybe I should let it post here instead ; )


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: An [insert adjective here] moment
From: Jeffrey Kaplan <rhod.gordol.org>
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 23:38:21 -0500

Kegs said:
; Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> writes:
; > Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
; >> Or Nietzchean in the sense of gazing into an abyss?
; > Look long into the Gaping Anus, and the Gaping Anus looks into you.
; As an abstract that concept was fine, but putting it into word in that way has raised some disturbing mental images
; I'm just off to scrub my brain and, if anyone knows how to hard reboot their mental equilibrium, some tips would be appreciated right now.

A sledgehammer applied to an ice pick in the left ear should do the trick.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [Worksafe Flash] Who said that Penguins can't fly?
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 01:57:38 GMT

Tom Harrington attempted to infuriate me by saying:
> Kegs <me.privacy.net> wrote:
>> Alternatively, "No-one said anything about penguin clubbing though!"
>> http://www.myjc.de/files/pingu.php
> Error 404 - Seite nicht gefunden

Yabbut he was right about the site being work-safe.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: No softies here (work safe)
From: Kegs <me.privacy.net>
Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2004 18:05:49 +0000

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes:
> "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org> wrote:
>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if an Atari joystick would work
> Those Atari games were fun, but somehow the joystick never gave me as much joy as the name seems to imply.

You should have used more lubricant then.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: No softies here (work safe)
From: Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au>
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 05:51:52 +0000 (UTC)

Daniel P. wrote:
>> You should have used more lubricant then.
> Or less, as the situation warrants ; )

But if it hurts when you walk, consider uninstalling it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: No softies here (work safe)
From: Kegs <me.privacy.net>
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 22:47:57 +0000
"Daniel P." <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com> writes:
> Kegs wrote:
>>>But if it hurts when you walk, consider uninstalling it.
>> I suppose you'd need to use wise wizard to achieve that
> I'm starting to think this thread is no long work safe.

Pah, just say it is part of your Guru Meditation programme


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: No softies here (work safe)
From: Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au>
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 00:42:06 +0000 (UTC)

Daniel P. wrote:
> I'm starting to think this thread is no long work safe.

Oh great. Guys and gals, we'll have to be careful what we post to RHOD, for fear of offending the strippers [0] at DMP's workplace.

Bah. Here's a URL to upset all the prudes: www.nice-tits.org/pics.html

[0] Sorry, "ecdysiasts".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yet Another URL
From: "Daniel P." <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com>
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 03:56:38 GMT

Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
> Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.netspace.org> wrote:
>> Daniel P. said:
>>> Be gentle with her, she's new to newsgroups, and worse she's hooked up with me...
>> Given she's a RHOD newbie, she could also be cooked up with you.
>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder which one's the main course and which is appetizer
> Duhhh. We've got our manners. The lady always comes first.

Good god man! Don't put any enduring burdens on me like that!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yet Another URL
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 01:01:41 -0000

Gillian Biggs <bunny2003.ntlworld.com> said:
> "Daniel P." <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com> wrote
>> Good god man! Don't put any enduring burdens on me like that!
> Just who you calling a lady? and the only burden DMP has, is trying to understand 'proper' English seeing as I am from that little place called England, you know it, we used to rule the world before the 'Merkins' did

But now...you don't.

And with the money we're saving from not paying the tea tax, we can buy flavor for our food: )

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies yearn for tongual sensations


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A thought on Shrubya's moonscheme
From: Jason <jbeasley.shadowknife.com>
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 2004 17:52:06 -0600

Phil Smith wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>>Dave Hinz said:
>>; Here's a thought - bring it with you, in the form of H2 and O2. Do the "burn it back into water" thing, but keep it to use again. Split 'em
>>I don't think you can keep it to use again. Current rocket technology is reaction based. In order to go in one direction, you need to expel something in the opposite direction. If you catch it back, you're not expelling it.
> True, but the guy behind can pick your exhaust up and use it to reduce his fuel consumption.

I find that when I pass through someones exhaust that my fuel consumption shuts off entirely.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A thought on Shrubya's moonscheme
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 05:07:28 -0000

Lane Gray, Czar Castic <Cgray2.kc.rr.com> said:
> Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
>> Daniel P. wrote:
>>> Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
>>>> Don't mention Wisconsin. Last time I went to Wisconsin, I got locked up. I guess that happens when you eat three pounds of cheese.
>>> I don't want to know the rest of that story.
>> Woo! *Three* things that oog DMP!
> And one of those was just an old joke. (Dumpie, just think what would happen to the innards after taking on three pounds of cheese. Locked up, get it?)

...unless you're lactose-intolerant.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies thought brie was only supposed to be runny on the way in


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A thought on Shrubya's moonscheme
From: Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au>
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 00:25:34 +0000 (UTC)

Daniel P. wrote:
> "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <Cgray2.kc.rr.com> wrote
>> And one of those was just an old joke. (Dumpie, just think what would happen to the innards after taking on three pounds of cheese. Locked up, get it?)
> I got it, that's why I didn't want to hear the rest of the story...

If you didn't get it, you could always work it out with a pencil.

From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
I didn't know he was a mathematician.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies use logs


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A thought on Shrubya's moonscheme
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 26 Jan 2004 21:08:22 GMT

Dave Hinz wrote:
> Henriette Kress
>> Daniel P. wrote:
>>> Europa [...] are covered in water ice....
>> 'course - it's _winter_ over here.
> Hetta, it's always winter where you live.
> Dave "From Sunny Wisconsin...pretty much the same here" Hinz

No, Dave. We have two seasons here in Wonderful WI: Winter, and Road Construction. The former lasts 9 or more months, and the latter would be the time you could go fishing, except that you can't get to where the fish prefer to live.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A thought on Shrubya's moonscheme
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2004 13:51:58 -0700

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <Cgray2.kc.rr.com> wrote:
> While I have no doubts of the benefits to mankind of putting Shrubya on the moon, I sorta liked his notion of a base on the moon. He then says it would cost less to launch space missions from the moon than from earth. Which raises (not begs, begs means to answer a question with a non-answer) the question "Okay, smartypants, how do you get the fuel up to the moon to start with?" unless the moon has a supply of some sort of rocket fuel, which seems unlikely.

He's probably hoping to drill for oil there. We'll just have to invent a way to use it as rocket fuel.

Meanwhile, my own thoughts on the strangely reclusive rover "Spirit":

1. It's busy roving around the planet, whistling and shouting "here, boy!", hoping that "Beagle 2" will come bounding over the horizon, barking its mechanical head off.

2. It's already found Beagle 2, and the two spacecraft are too busy playing fetch to answer the phone.

3. It's busy cleaning up the area around its landing site, so that everything will look good when the second rover arrives in a couple of days. It wouldn't want it's twin to think it was living like a slob or something.

Anyone care to add to the list?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Another sad day
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.netspace.org>
Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2004 23:28:51 -0000

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
> No more Captain Kangaroo! Maybe he'll get a posthumous promotion to at least Major Kangaroo.

Good...maybe he can come to my office and replace the Major Asshole down the hall.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to watch _Spaceballs_


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Make your e-mails more personal with PostSmile!
From: Phil Smith <pas51.NOSPAMcam.ac.uk>
Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2004 22:09:21 +0000

TimC wrote:
> andbrooks wrote:
> > Far too often people's e-mails are overly formal and conservative.

This would be that section of the community which insists on writing grammatically correct language in a style which might previously have been sent on paper?

> > This dooms them to be ineffective and plain boring. PostSmile is capable of adding smiley faces (600 in total!) to any e-mail to make the message more personal and compassionate.

Just what your memos need.

> > The program works with all e-mail clients and web-based mail systems (including Hotmail and Yahoo!) that support HTML messages.

What is with these people? Why don't they just send text/plain?

> Now, I don't usual followup to spam, but this is too funny to pass up.
> > In addition to classic smiley faces, the program offers a wide variety of original artist-created

Not a lot of people know this[1], but Michelangelo was at one point charged with the responsibility of adding suitable emoticons to the Pope's formal communications.

> > smileys that are sure to leave no one indifferent.

This is technically true: instilling a sense of 'Why is that idiot including smileys in an HTML email which could more usefully have been plain text? What a moron.' is in no sense leaving them indifferent.

> > All smiley faces are divided into clear categories: general, jolly, sad, romantic, action and miscellaneous.

'General' *and* 'miscellaneous'?

> > Inserting smileys into a message is done by a simple point and click technique.
> Nice and portable, I see too. \226?
> > The program is extremely simple to install, set up and use. There are nine different exquisite and ravishing skins to choose from. The program is loaded upon Windows startup, takes very little system resources and is always available from the system tray. It does not take any special knowledge to operate PostSmile: anyone from a first grader to an IT specialist can use it equally easy.

What 'IT specialist' would *want* to do this?

> > Importantly, the program can be tried and tested free of charge. There also is a 30-day unconditional money back guarantee. All subsequent software upgrades, whether minor or major, are free.

I can imagine the lusers forking over their cash in the millions now.

> So, um, an upgrade happens when we define a new extension to ASCII?
> Move to EBCDIC?

[1]: because I just made it up.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: La chance de votre vie
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 2004 17:46:05 +0000

Daniel P. <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com> writes
>Too funny, except for the fact we do speak English, its the bloody British who have no command of the language any more....

I was going to post a sarcastic followup in USAian corporatespeak to refute this vile, baseless imputation. However, at work this morning I found the word "incentivize" slipping past my lips before I could stop it, so I guess I really haven't got a unidirectionally jointed, fleshy tegument encased, hip-to-pedal extremity connection unit to stand on.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*-----*---richard killfiled, use rwilson-
--*----*---*---*--At least we Brits know our arse from our Eeyore--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: La chance de votre vie
From: Kegs <me.privacy.net>
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 00:37:06 +0000

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> writes:
> Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
>> Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
>>> Cool, check. Good actor, agreed. Sexy? That's what gets me. There's something deeply ironic about women finding Depardieu sexy.
>> I dunno. I always figured that, sorta like Ron Jeremy, it proves hope remains for the rest of us.
> Okay. But Ron Jeremy has something Depardieu doesn't.

Gerard Depardieu is a eunuch?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Moonbase Alpha
From: Phil Smith <pas51.NOSPAMcam.ac.uk>
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2004 22:23:09 +0000

Daniel P. wrote:
> Bushy-boy didn't mention it in his state of the union of address,

He won't be able to do it before the election, so why would he mention it?

> polls showed that 53% of the voters were too stupid to understand the benefits that we gain from space exploration.

^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W^W

> It has for all intent and purposes, been scrapped. I knew he couldn't have a good idea, it was bound to get lonely and head for greener pastures...

Maybe he "thought" 'if they can lose track of a rover, just imagine what would happen if people were up there'.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: The worst move EVER
From: "Daniel P." <daniel.doesnt.want.spam.dmparker.com>
Date: Sat, 31 Jan 2004 02:58:26 GMT

OK, I just sat through that dilapidated juggernaut of a film that goes by the completely obtuse and non-descriptive title "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" but should really be titled "He's not quite dead yet"--you see I counted at least 172 instances (and I didn't even count the army of ghosts) where someone should have been dead, and even appeared to be, but somehow after 10 minutes of his friends pining and whining it turns out he was only resting.

Here's a typical scene (you might have missed this one, you probably had to pee during this part, after all the movie is three and half hours too long):

Spam: "OH! Frito! I've stubbed my toe! I can see the blackness swirling around me, I think this is it dear friend"

Frito: "No Spam, you can die! I'll get Elbowron, the King of the Elves who is disguised as a lay girl to save you, or perhaps I'll get Glandoff, the Gay Wizard to pull you through. Besides, I need your help to keep the ring away from Steve Buscemi on a glue bender."

Spam: "No this is it, Sauerkraut the black Wizard has finally won! The anus of Sauerkraut has foreseen my death at this unfortuituous juncture."

<Insert ten minutes of Frito staring longingly into Spam's eyes as Spam slowly slips away, but flashes back to the good times in the Choir when he and his friend Mary (who is actually a boy, but Michael Jackson had a hand in this production I think, so there's lots of girly boys running around) went fishing and caught that big bass that was suddenly snatched away by a gigantic flying lizard with bad dental hygiene. Then you see Spam's eyes cloud over and in a distant land some fairy who is really an elf I'm told (are all elves gay??) sings a sad incomprehensible song over the funeral pyre of a dearly departed friend, who before the song finishes we get to see flash backs of HIS 'good old days' where he looked longing at a SERIOUSLY over dressed Liv Tyler (who has no business in a movie wearing clothing (well really she has no business wearing clothing)) but suddenly the nearly departed friend comes to and stabs a Ballhog who is inexplicably dribbling nearby. Then Spam's eyes open brightly.>

Spam: "No wait, I'm feeling better, I don't think I'm quite dead yet."

Frito: "Oh bugger, I've cut me finger, I think this is the end dear friend, Sauerkraut has finally won..." (repeat ad nauseum)

This film made me want to fucking stab a hobbit! I just wanted someone to die a normal death and do it quickly...shit I wanted SOMETHING to happen quickly! No wonder Sauerkraut's all seeing anus is so upset at those little buggers, I feel for him--he's definitely the misunderstood hero of this film. Speaking of which you notice the only black people in the movie were bad guys?

Anyway, what is wrong with these half-wits that they can't cover 30 yards of ground in less than an hour and a half and forty-four near brushes with death?

And don't even get me started on the seventeen endings (Yah! The evil Sauerkraut's army has been repelled, its finally over! Oh...Yah! The ring has been destroyed, its finally over! Oh...Yah! The evil black wizard is dead, its finally over! Oh...Yah! The king has been crowned, its finally over! Oh...Yah! the hobbits have returned to the Choir, its finally over! Oh...Yah! Dildo, the alzheimer's hobbit with the incontinence problem might die, its finally over! Oh...Yah! The hobbits have gotten on Priscilla Queen of the Sea with the Fairys who are really Elves, its finally over! Oh...oh fuck Spam and his hairy assed-family, I'm leaving now...)

This movie was definitely worse than "Plan 9 From Outer Space" But only because it was 14 times longer. "Plan 9" was aware of it was belaboring the over wrought acting and weak plot line, so they tried to wrap up the agony after they had proven they all attended the Ham School Of Bad Acting and Overwrought Death Scenes....

So my question is: if you liked this film, how drunk were you when you saw it?



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