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1995 07

From: Will Dyson (will_dyson.microserve.com)
Subject: Re: LOOKING FOR SEX ? 1800 ***-****
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/07/20

Roger Noe wrote:
>Jay Hinton wrote:
>>Jane Stoley writes:
>>> CALL ME AT , 1 800 ***-****
> > Um.....I think that should be "tell me" or "ask me".....
> I wonder if the Oracle software recognizes e-mail with the key words "do me"? :-)

If not, we should ask Steve Kinzler to write it in. Just a little thing. Have it respond "no thank you" (or something more creative *hint: Suggestions*).

Imagine the look on the supplicant's face :> Think of them sitting there all night looking for other word combinations.


From: Scott Panzer (stenor_pcnet.com)
Subject: RE: Help Priests! What's the secret code?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/07/28

Russell Biggs writes:
>Ever-so-patient, hard-working Priests,
>Please tell me the secret code that will auto-magically send my question to the confidential Oracle server - the one where there are no:
> unfunny, 2-second-answer-responding, Andrew Dice Clay pre-puber 14 year old's on summer vacation with EEG's a straight as the highway dividers- all of whom answer with any of the following *Orcrapularities* that I've gotten the last five times I've asked questions:

>"Oh, that's a stupid question"
>"I don't know, you figure it out."
>"Who cares?"

>Ad Infinitum....

>I've tried being patient; I've paid my dues. But now I just gotta know where the server of Golden Oracle is and how to get on it (and don't tell me I making this up just because I am). You've just gotta, gotta, gotta tell me (I won't tell a soul, I promise).

This was the subject of discussion a few weeks ago. You have to include the phrase "DO ME NOW" in the subject to get sent to the "special server".


From: Richard Wilson (Richard_molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Lame responses
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/07/25

Jim.Coates_DaytonOH.NCR.COM "Jim Coates" writes:
> Here's the question and the three responses:

> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
> > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, who is the inspiration for every idea Gary Larsen ever had, please solve the following puzzle for me:
> > I noticed in this Sunday's comics that the Anteater in BC doesn't just eat an ant, he ZOTS it! What gives? Is he a relative of yours? Surely you wouldn't have given out the secret of ZOTting to anyone, especially one so lowly as a comic-strip anteater. Please fill us in - Enquiring minds want to know.

> #1
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } Even an ant knows more than you. For all you know I am the ant.

> #2
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } To Zot or not to Zot that is the question. Wether it is nobler to eat the ant or zot the ant is a question saved for more powerful minds than myself.

> #3
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } It is obvious that Johnny Hart is toying with forces whose power he cannot devine. He is defiling the very term ZOT and should be forced to spend a week as a cilia in the snout of a true, non-ZOTting anteater.

ORACLE: Okay, Zadoc, here's a test for you. Which one is the genuine Oracular response?

[Zadoc the Priest peers at the 3 answers on the screen for several minutes]

ZADOC: Easy, O Megasagacious One!

ORACLE: Cocky, eh? Very well, tell me.

ZADOC: It cannot be #1, because it is the anteater, not the ant, doing the ZOTting. Anyway, *everyone* knows you are not an ant.

ORACLE: Uh-huh...

ZADOC: And it cannot be #2, because *everyone* knows there are no more powerful minds than yours.

ORACLE: Full marks so far...

ZADOC: Therefore, the true Oracularity is #3. Alleluia!

ORACLE: So perhaps you'll explain what the hell the word "devine" is supposed to mean. Divine? Define? Perhaps you think my omniscience doesn't extend to spelling?

ZADOC: I am covered in confusion, Master! Which is the correct answer?

ORACLE: Obviously none of them, dipstick! You think I've lost my faculties to the extent of churning out drivel like that? Getting senile, perhaps? You think 4 billion years is old for an immortal?

ZADOC: Forgive me, Your Toticognizance! If it sounded like I was doubting you, it is only because your colossal intellect so far outstrips my feeble endowment that I cannot help but falter in expressing my total, blind, unquestioning, monomaniacal adoration of your supreme, unsurpassed, er, wonderfulness!

ORACLE: Zadoc, that was truly, nauseatingly unctuous.

ZADOC: Thank you, Master.

ORACLE: Don't mention it.

ZADOC: But please, O Ye Who Makes Stephen Hawking Look Like Jim Carrey - if all those answers were false, what then is the true answer?

ORACLE: Oh, that...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, Sunshine, when you get ZOTted by me, any resemblance to being slapped with a 200 foot sticky tongue will be purely coincidental!

ZADOC: Master, I am overawed! That response has omniscience written all over it!

ORACLE: It just comes naturally.



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