Jump to Navigation

We've moved! The new address is http://www.henriettes-herb.com - update your links and bookmarks!

1995 06

From: Jim Little (jiml_...)
Subject: Re: Usenet Oracularities Digest #747
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d, alt.adjective.noun.verb.verb.verb
Date: 1995/06/24

David / Kirsty Damerell <djsd100_...> wrote:
: <oracle-vote_...> wrote:
:>Date: Sat, 24 Jun 95 00:10:47 -0500
:>From: Usenet Oracle <oracle-vote_cs.indiana.edu>
:>Subject: Usenet Oracularity #747-10
:>Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS_vms.cis.pitt.edu>
:>The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
:>Your question was:
:>> alt.usenet.oracle.omnicient.beneficent.merciful
:>> alt.profuse.grovel.praise.flatter.compliment
:>> alt.unworthy.supplicant.bow.scrape.genuflect
:>> alt.humble.question.beg.give.answer:
:>> alt.arcane.newsgroups.read.write.post
:>> alt.stylized.writing.use.misuse.abuse
:>> alt.futile.struggle.strive.stop.cease?
:>> alt.crazy.mind.going.going.gone
:>> alt.quick.help.need.require.desire
:>> alt.eternal.gratitude.give.give.give
:>} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
:>} talk.problem.simple
:>} news.groups.alt.too.many.reading
:>} rec.nervous.making.you
:>} humanities.common.in.name.of
:>} comp.your.turn.off
:>} soc.life.get
:>} misc.with.beings.human.other
:>} sci.some.people...
:>} biz.you.oracle.owe.quid.ten


From: iddavis_...
Subject: Re: Usenet Oracularities Digest #747
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/06/26

djsd100_... (!David / Kirsty Damerell) writes:
> alt.fallible.oracle.is!.is!.is!
> alt.strange.newsgroup.exists.exists.exists
> alt.formalised.postings.post.followup.cascade
> (alt._adjective_._noun_._verb_._verb_._verb_)
> alt.original.questioner.complies.complies.complies
> alt.fallible.oracle.violates.fails.slips-up
> alt.new.oracle.get.get.get?


<Which, of course, is funnier by far if you've read C.J.Cherryh's "Chanur" saga.>

From: David Sewell (dsew_...)
Subject: Re: AOL Press Release on Acquisition of Usenet Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/06/26

In article 3slkkt$hnm_news.aol.com AOL-For-Release <press_aol.com> wrote:
> VIENNA, Va., June 25 /PRNewswire/ -- America Online, Inc. (Nasdaq-NNM: AMER) announced today that it has expanded its entry into the sponsorship of Internet services by entering into an agreement to acquire the Usenet Oracle, currently based at Indiana University. According to America Online president Steve Case, this "interactive humor" service will provide an exciting complement to the recently-acquired informational resources of GNN, the Global Network Navigator, and

Say it ain't so, Orrie!

From: Roger Noe (noe_...)
Subject: Re: Whence Lisa?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/06/10

WILLIAM H. SUDDERTH <whsudder_...> wrote:
>Can anyone tell me when Lisa got added to the Oracle's _dramatis personae_? It's just such a bland name, I figure there's a great story behind it.

Sure, it may sound like a bland name, but she's quite a babe. Lisa is one of the top two names for women that sounds like it belongs to a good girl-next-door type, innocent and pure, but in reality she's a slut and has slept with just about every guy who ever said "hello" to her, not to mention a few who said nothing. The other name in this category is Shannon.

>William Sudderth | Marrying Shannon: April 1996

Oh, er, tell your fiancee I said "hello".

From: Ross Clement (clemenr_...)
Subject: Re: This is NOT a question
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/06/10

stenor_... (Scott Panzer) writes:
>Mbgoodman (mbgoodman_...) wrote:
>: I received the following to answer
>: <<Up yours>>
>: Now I ask you, what other response could there be other than a pre-emptive ZOT! ??
>In general, there are three courses of action upon receiving any question. One, you can 'let it slide' (delete it from your mailbox without bothering to answer it) in which case someone else will get it tomorrow. Two, you can make an honest attempt to answer it. Three, you can give a non-answer...ie zot, null answer, etc.

My attempt:

The Usenet Oracle has not answered your question. Your question was:

> <<Up yours>>

And in response a non-Oracle wrote:

(slightly obscene content)

} No way! I'd notice something as large and uncomfortable as a TV remote
} control. It MUST be up yours.
} You owe The Oracle a box of tissues and some disinfectant.

From: Scott Panzer (stenor_...)
Subject: Re: Usenet Oracularities Digest #744
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/06/15

Dana Leighton, extdl_hpsmproc... writes:
>My newsreader (tin) only decodes rot13. Anyone know how to make it do rot12 or rot14? BTW, I started decoding the answer by hand before I realized my newsreader had rot13 encoding.

Newsreaders won't typically do this. Rot13 is normally used only to protect people from seeing 'offensive' messages without desiring to do so. Rot12/14 is not much more secure than rot13, so there's really no need for it.

You can use this perl script to decode the message. Invoke it as:

rot12.pl < input >output

Assuming you named it rot12.pl

#!/usr/local/bin/perl -- -*-perl-*-
_input = <STDIN>;
foreach (_input) {

From: Michael Shields (shields_...)
But why, when you could use `tr a-zA-Z m-za-lM-Z-A-L'?

Or just 'caesar'?

From: David Sewell (dsew_...)
Come on, folks. I'm STILL waiting for someone to post PostScript source to print out a couple of circular alphabets that you can use to make one of those rotational ciphering wheels that they tell you how to make in Herbert Zim's old book on secret codes & that I probably even made and used to have when I was 10 or 11 but have long since lost.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard_...)
Subject: Re: blasphemy!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/06/09

"Richard George" writes:
> No, no, no! That's Momeraths - they're nicer. Molerats are a variant of w**dchuck that retreated underground to avoid Orrie.

Certainly not - molerats would never chuck wood:

1. There's none in the burrow
2. If they went outside to find some they would:
a. not do so on account of being blind
b. roast in the noonday sun
c. get eaten by a hyena
d. all three
3. Assuming neither 1 nor 2 overtook them first and they found some wood, they would eat it.
4. Assuming they found some wood and weren't hungry, they still wouldn't chuck it as by now they would have sunk into a self-pitying mope.

No, I believe you are getting confused with the well-known catchphrase:

"How much rattan might a molerat mould if a molerat may mould rattan"

I think we are drifting slightly from the core purpose of this newsgroup.
Sorry, Orrie.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard_molerat...)
Subject: Re: Same Question Many Times
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/06/28

<after a largish flamewar over the use of gender-neutral pronouns (he, she, it, hir, s/h/it, s/he...)>
If there's still anybody listening, will the last person to leave this thread please switch off the lights. I am chickening out now. I've learnt my lesson. From now on, I am only venturing my opinion on nice, harmless, uncontroversial topics like abortion, animal testing and O.J. Simpson.

Life's too short, sensibilities too delicate...

From: Richard Wilson (Richard_molerat...)
Subject: Re: Sorry Orrie
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/06/03

nikjones_... "Nicole Jones" writes:
> But what the heck is with these people? I haven't seen a grovel in the last 8 askme's.

This is true. It is a worrying trend and it is us (we?) incarnations that are to blame. Grovels or no, I have never ZOTted anyone (except once, and that was by accident) and, judging from the digests, this goes for many others. We are now witnessing the consequences of our laxness: spare the ZOT and spoil the supplicant.

Proposed solution: now Baroness Thatcher has finished the latest installation of her memoirs and has some spare time on her hands, why don't the priesthood invite her to step in for a while? Omniscience is something she always assumed anyway, and as for non-grovellers


From: Tom Harrington (tph_...)
Subject: Using the Oracle...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/06/01

In 739-03, the Oracle answered this question:
> what other things can i have in the subject field ?

Which was supremely annoying because I answered a very similar query several months ago and DIDN'T make the digest. Here's mine (OK, so it's long, but the question was better written...) It's dated now by its reference to "The Great M." (remember M.??). Serdar Argic was already out of circulation when I wrote this, though.

The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
> So I say "askme" on your subject line to get a question to answer.
> And I say "tellme" if I want you to answer my question.
> I know there's also a "help" to get more information, but I just know
> that you, the marvelous Usenet Oracle, have some more tricks up your
> sleeve.
> Oh Majestic, Outstanding, Unequalled, Uncrossed, and Unparalleled Oracle,
> what might these other subject-line commands be, and what happens should
> I use them?

They're not widely known, since nobody reads the FAQ, but here they are:

------------------- Begin inclusion -------------------


E - X - P - A - N - D - E - D V - E - R - S - I - O - N

Posted 1.327 times each fortnight to rec.humor.oracle.answers


Q6.3 Is there any other way to ask a question?

There are many variations on the standard "tellme".

  • tellme-argic: Your query is sent to Serdar Argic. Use with caution.
  • tellme-B1FF: YOR3 KW33RY 1Z S3NT 2 B1FF 4ND H3 RITEZ U A T0TULLY K00L 4NS3R!!! AW3SUM!!!!1!
  • tellme-chef: Yuoor qooery is sent tu zee Svedeesh Cheff. Bork Bork Bork!
  • tellme-dull: Response is guaranteed to be dull and uninspired. Same as "tellme".
  • tellme-good: Response is guaranteed to be extremely funny and inspired, rather than the dreck one usually sees.
  • tellme-great-M: Your query is sent to The Great M. Aliased to tellme-dull.
  • tellme-kibo: Query is routed to kibo.
  • tellme-spam: Your query is posted to 5000 newsgroups, with the "MAKE.MONEY.FAST" letter attached and your real email address.
  • tellme-spam-green: Same as "tellme-spam," except that the spam is forged to come from Canter & Siegel.
  • tellme-stUdlY: YOur aNsweR is rEtUrnEd in stUdlY CapS fOrmat.

Different forms can be combined for specialized uses. For example, "tellme-B1FF-chef-good-spam" produces a good response in B1FF format, which is then translated to Swedish Chef style and spammed around the world.

Q6.4 How can I access the Oracle File Server (OFS)?

  • get (filename): Sends the requested file. Use "get index" to get a list of files. The most popular files are listed below:
  • index: List of files.
  • digest-xxx: Sends a copy of Oracle digest number xxx.
  • info: A copy of the FAQ
  • sex: Not really a file. Those sending "get sex" are listed in the Oracle's "desperate loser" file, periodically posted to alt.sex.wanted and alt.current-events.self-abuse.
  • bent: Also not a file. Those telling the Oracle to "get bent" receive an immediate ZOT.

Q6.5 What other subject lines can be used?

The Usenet Oracle is here to help! As a result there are many possibilities!

  • askme-good: Returns an interesting question rather than the dreck one usually sees.
  • askme-digest: Same as standard "askme", except that your answer is guaranteed to appear in the next Oracularities digest.
  • beerme: Order another beer.
  • do-me: See section 6.4, "get sex".
  • drool: Sends your message directly to Lisa. Dream on.
  • flame-#QaXXXXX: Streamlined answering process. Flames the sender of a query, where XXXXX is the number of the query.
  • flame-priests: Flames the Oracle Priesthood for not selecting your answers for the digest. Aliased to "zotme".
  • invite: Invites the Oracle to spend a weekend at your house.
  • invite-me: Request an invitation to the Oracle Mansion. Dream on.
  • pizza: Orders a pizza delivered from a local restaurant. The body of the message must contain a line of the format:
  • toppings: (list of toppings here)
  • woodchuck: Streamlined format for submitting the "woodchuck" question. Aliased to "zotme".
  • zot (user): Auto-zot of specified person. No longer supported for users due to rampant usage, except in special situations. Still accessible to the Oracle Priesthood.
  • zotme: Self-explanatory. Still supported but rarely used (though see aliases).

------------------- End inclusion -------------------

You owe the Oracle a case of Spam Lite (tm).

Main menu 2