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1999 08 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Deliverance^H^H^H^Hy
From: Malcolm Pcak
Date: Sun, 01 Aug 1999 03:36:10 +0100

As I sat on the lavvy, conscious only of the bowl below, the excessive heat outside, and the pounding in my head, the cat wandered aimlessly in and insinuated himself greasily around my right leg.

"Why don't you wash any more?" I asked.

"Too painful." he croaked halitotically. "You know damned well that this autoimmune disease is only treated palliatively at best by the steroids. The gingivitis is still bastard murder, and until you can get your hands on some thalidomide you're just gonna have to put up with owning the only cat in the world with certified dog-breath."

"Oh," I mused, straining slightly at stool. "Anyway, what do you want?"

"You got a delivery," he said, less-than excitedly.

"Can't you sign for it?" I pleaded. "It's 3am and I'm trying to have a crap here."

"Can't. It's too big to fit in the garden, and the lorry driver refuses to accept that a cat can sign for anything." Patrick continued to deposit a fine layer of grease around my right calf.

"Too big for the garden?" Now I was worried. "What the fsck is it?"

"It's alright, you know. You don't have to speak in euphemisms to me. Not only am I over 4004 years old in cat years -- although I doubt seriously your assertions that it's seven cat years for every week of real time -- but the kid's out all night at a barbecue and Barbara's still asleep."

Sometimes that cat is too smart for his own good. "Answer the bloody question!" I hissed as I reached for some toilet paper. "What's so big that it won't fit in the garden and so important that you can't sign for it on my behalf?"

"It's that new thread you ordered for RHOD," purred Patrick.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: Stephen KING?????? - END OF THREAD!
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: 1 Aug 1999 04:13:36 GMT

Lars Clausen wrote:
>-Lars "M-x 1000 all-hail-emacs" Clausen

1000 i Vim kicks ass.<esc>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: Stephen KING?????? - END OF THREAD!
From: cclovis.gtenospam.net (Cici in Texas)
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1999 06:01:00 GMT

Hollis tapped out:
> Lurker Praps writes
>>> >And I want to have babies...
>>> Excellent. I've got a couple you can have. They're not exactly babies as such, although they were once, in fact they're sort of, more or less, teenagers.
>>No queue-jumping, please. I've had my son on sale for years, and still no takers. :-(
>I think where you're going wrong is the "on sale" part. I was thinking more of paying someone to take them away...

Well, let's hear your pitch, then. What are you offering?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: Stephen KING?????? - END OF THREAD!
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1999 14:14:12 +0959

Jim Evans schrieb:
> JIM, actually, we post the FAQ every Thursday in rhod, too... we just don't tell anyone where we post it.

At one stage there was FAQ, but the maintainer offended somebody, and that somebody told the maintainer to stick it somewhere unmentionable. He did, and now, although we *do* have a FAQ, nobody wants to go and look at it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stephen KING?????? - END OF THREAD!
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 10:08:12 -0400

Nils Desle wrote:
> Tim Chew wrote:
> > Life? Oh yeah, that's the thing which is stealing all of my sleep.
> [snicker]. He said sheep. (well almost)
> > Let's see, how am I keeping myself out of jail right now?
> > 4) Play - Scotland Road. Opens 27 Aug (4 hours per day)
> Scotland? Sheep? The plot chickens!
> > 5) Girlfriend (1-2 hours per day (good thing she's a workaholic, too))
> So, how often do you shave her and does she produce enough wool for a jumper?

Doesn't matter how much wool she produces, he'll jump'er anyway!

> Nils "virgin wool joke anyone?" Desle

JIM, nah, I wouldn't sink *that* low


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: Stephen KING?????? - END OF THREAD!
From: eastb.concentric.net (Bill East)
Date: 04 Aug 1999 21:38:16 PDT

Hollis <hollis.another.address.entirely> wrote:
> DMP <ten.asu.rekrapmd.?> writes
>>What? You're giving away perfectly good teenagers?
>>Are they strong enough to pull a plow?
>I've no idea. They don't seem to do much in the way of plow pulling. Isn't it _plough_ anyway?

WTF is a "pluf?" Or is it a "pluu?" I'm never sure of the pronunciation conventions for those.

However, with Today's Modern Teenagers, it is quite easy to attach the harness to the navel ring and the reins to the nose ring.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stephen KING?????? - END OF THREAD!
From: dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 9 Aug 1999 07:09:24 GMT

<ossipewsk.my-deja.com> said:
: Ed#4 wrote:
: > Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
: > >I guess the non-use of a newsreader *would* make it difficult to be specific about how the newsreader is inadequate <grin>
: > Yes, it's a bit like asking why this spatula isn't picking up the local radio stations very well.
: Please, that's a ridiculous and untenable example. A spatula just cannot pick up radio - barring some weird crystal radio effects.

It's not that the spatula cannot pick up radio, it's just that it needs a tuner and stuff to do something useful with the signal. Stand a metal spatula in a crystal vase attached to a stethoscope, and voila! a radio. Crazy-glue that bad boy to an Etch-A-Sketch and you've got a web-browser sure to give any modern-day McGuyver a woody.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stephen KING?????? - END OF THREAD!
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 21:06:06 +0959

ossipewsk.my-deja.com schrieb:
>Please, that's a ridiculous and untenable example. A spatula just cannot pick up radio

Sure it can. Just slip it underneath, jiggle it round, and lift.

Screwtape,
This Handy Hint tested on pizza in the shape of a radio.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stephen KING?????? - END OF THREAD!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1999 16:49:18 GMT

dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>One needs a graphical 13-fucktillion-megabyte behemouth to access a monospace-text medium?

This is a term simply crying out for definition. One fucktillion is hereby proposed to be defined as the quantity one million vigintillion, or 1,000,000, 000,000,000, 000,000,000, 000,000,000, 000,000,000, 000,000,000, 000,000,000, 000,000,000 = 1e69.

Its associated prefix is proposed to be "copu-", as in copuflop, copuhertz, copubyte.

This is a big number; there are about a quadrillion fucktillion cubic centimeters in the universe.

From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
*add*add*add*add*
Well I'll be damned!
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wish they had more fingers
From: kelley.ruralnet.net (Kevin Kelley)
::CPU quota exceeded; account will be disabled until 12:01 1 Jan 999,999,999, 999,999,999, 999,999,999, 999,999,999, 999,999,999, 999,999,999(GMT).

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stephen KING?????? - END OF THREAD!
From: Lurker Praps
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 21:26:34 +0100

Also Sprach Donald Welsh:
> We still need a word for a very small number. Perhaps 10^(-1 fucktillion)?

I respectfully propose one willion for a number so small as to be almost negligible. A williard is slightly easier to grasp. A cliteron is so small as to be undetectable by most males.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oshitsubusu? I hardly know you! (was Re: Hey kids!)
From: longword+usenet.newsguy.com (Lionel)
Date: Wed, 04 Aug 1999 22:53:55 GMT

tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) said:
>Jim Evans wrote:
>> Screwtape wrote:
>>> | "Ano kyodai tokage suru tokoro oshitsubusu Tokyo!"
>>What ho, Screwtape, what does this actually mean? I've seen it before in afda, too.
>It means "Godzilla has been sighted and is approaching Tokyo!".

Oh I see, that would explain the 'oshit' in 'oshitsubusu'.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad idea?/Good idea?
From: "Mike Jewell" <mjewell.mojsoft.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 20:08:13 +0100

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.acm.org> wrote:
> Oh, get over yourself. We don't get flame wars around here, though of course any eight-year old kid could come in and start flinging insults.

Ode to the Eight-Year Old Flinging Kid
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-

The light is on, yet no-one's home,
The flinging kid is still alone.
His browser loaded, finger prod
Prepared to send to news-froup RHOD.

The letter crafted, skillf'lly wrote,
Now little Billy (ugly scrote)
Can fling his flames from froup to froup
Bombarding RHOD with posts of poop!

He settles back, his business done,
His parents call up for their son
To start his homework, clear the 'phone,
And so he leaves his l0phty zone.

But what of RHOD, so wild and free?
Just gazing at the posts we see
The threads appear - the threads sprout threads
And then the RHODents lose their heads!

But "No!" we shout, why do we care
That little Billy once was there?
The thread slows down and stops at last,
What once was crap, is in in the past.

And so the subjects change once more,
The kid ignored, it's like before -
So posts spring up like grasses thick
About the thing in DMP's prick.

And yet there lurks in some small room
A l0phty kid - the l33t of D00M
Preparing browser, Outlook too,
To spam the froups with piles of poo.

And yet the outcome of the lull
Has taught the RHODs that spam is dull,
And so the eight-year old, ignored,
Goes off to play with plastic swords.


Thankyouverymuch,
/\/\ike


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad idea?/Good idea?
From: dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 9 Aug 1999 02:31:53 GMT

Daniel Glick <dg371.appendix.is9.nyu.edu> said:
: Lane Gray wrote in message ...
: [excise]
: >I don't know about that, but I would be eternally grateful if someone would buy me a Beard [1]
: Don't worry, son, you've just got to wait a couple more years.

Wrong end, young lady.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies found a little man in the boat


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad idea?/Good idea?
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sun, 8 Aug 1999 23:28:35 -0500

} > > > > >> I think you'll just have to settle for Dimple.
} > > > > >Cheek Dimple, or Butt Dimple?
} > > > > Nipple Dimple.
} > > > I just hope it doesn't get acne, then it would be a:
} > > > Nipple Dimple Pimple.
} > > And if it joined a convent it would get a:
} > > Nipple Dimple Pimple Wimple
} > Hopefully it wouldn't be too complex so it could be a:
} > Simple Nipple Dimple Pimple Wimple
} Hopefully it's been ironed with starch so it won't be a:
} Limp Li'l Simple Nipple Dimple Pimple Wimple.

And if the Herpes Zoster virus got involved, it would be a:
Limp Li'l Simple Nipple Dimple Pimple Wimple with Shingles.

And what do you think means more,
A shingle nipple, or a single dimple?

A single dimple could mean less
than a shingle nipple could, I guess.
So I think that the simple wimple should
mean more than the dimple pimple could.

And that's almost enough of such stuff for one day
One more and you're finished, oh say can you say?

The fishing starts
When the troll starts slopping.
When the posts start dropping,
Then the troll starts stopping.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad idea?/Good idea?
From: "Mike Jewell" <mjewell.mojsoft.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1999 21:00:16 +0100

Mr CyberspHook (sic),
> Ps. could you write some more poems about me please? thanks in advance.

It has come to our attention that you have attempted to claim
surplus poetry credits. We must remind you that the same
policy is applied to you as to all losers at whom the poet
("/\/\ike Jewell") wishes to direct his rhyming wit.

As such, each aforementioned loser is allocated one (1)
ode, unless the loser (the object of the poem) has gone
so far as to provoke another rhyme through repeated
use of annoying mails in which nothing good is said.

In writing this message, we hope that we (the undersigned)
have explained clearly the methods that we find
necessary in order to remove excessive verbage from our
newsfroup. Please do not incite a demonstration of our power.

We are in closing,
Jenkins and Associates
Attorneys at law.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Tim's pose from the past...
From: Nils Desle <nils.desle.cegeka.be>
Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 08:47:18 +0200

DMP wrote:
> > But I'd give you a head start. >;)
> You said "head" huh..huh...
> (BTW, is everyone aware that Beavis and Butthead are Texas boys?)

Very aware. We *know* Americans in general aren't too bright, but thanks to B&B we now know that Texans are America's stupidity reserve.

Nils


From: "DMP" <ten.asu.rekrapmd>
Uh...Thank you?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Confession
From: sewiv.nomaps.izzy.net
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1999 13:53:25 GMT

Kimberly Chapman <kacee.outer-net.com> wrote:
> -- Kimberly "should I raise money for charity by selling my bras?" Chapman

Nah, set 'em up as hammocks, give the poor a place to sleep.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Confession
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999 22:32:59 -0500

Underwear Artiscyn wrote:
} But the second one offers a response such as:
} Yes, Virginia, there *is* underwear...although, no liberated, educated, self-respecting, freedom-loving, hippie exhibitionist is going to agree with you, Honey.

ITYM:

"Dear Editor--I am 25 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no underwear.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in The Sun, it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth, is there underwear?_

Yes, Virginia, there is underwear. It exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no underwear! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no child-like faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in underwear! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch a glimpse of underwear, but even if you did not see underwear coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees underwear, but that is no sign that there is no underwear. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

No underwear! Thank God! It lives, and It lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, It will continue to make glad the heart of adultery.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Confession
From: edc81u4.newsguy.com (Ed Chauvin IV)
Date: Sat, 14 Aug 1999 12:44:21 GMT

Jonathan Anderson wrote:
>Kimberly Chapman wrote:
>> Jonathan Anderson wrote:
>> >That's all well and good, but the rest of us need to know when you're going to start marketing the T-shirts?
>> Whenever you want 'em. Please note that my end of the giant t-shirt has some extra stretching in a couple of curvy places.
>Does anybody here accept credit cards? How about shipping and handling?

I accept credit cards, although I think you've got to send quite a few of them for S&H to matter. But, if it's a problem I'll cover S&H. Just let me know how many cards you're sending.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Confession
From: Lurker Praps
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 06:54:10 +0100

Also Sprach Kevin Kelley:
> (not mead, the mead still tastes like honey-water. How long does this stuff take to ferment, anyway? Isn't 4 days plenty of time?!?).

You'll find that popping it into a blender with a goodly measure of washing up liquid will make a world of difference.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A new leader!
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu.STOPSPAM>
Date: 14 Aug 1999 00:04:44 -0500

jkapllan.world.std.com wrote:
> Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
>; Cici in Texas wrote:
>; > Daniel E. Macks tapped out:
>; >>Lane Gray said:
>; >>: Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>; >>: >They just finished the 7th row. Most of what they get is pretty much outside the realm of stuff you measure in moles, though. Or even nanomoles. Or could even handle. Or see. But they claim they got a few atoms of 'em.
>; >>: Yeah, and they don't even have neutronium yet.
>; >>Or Administratium or Eludium.
>; >But they've obviously isolated Absurdium, or this froup couldn't exist.
>; Isolated? Hell, they've gotten it to reproduce in captivity.
> Then they've obviously NOT isolated it, they've mated it. If they kept it isolated, it wouldn't have anything to reproduce with.

This may sound absurd, but it actually mated with itself, and reproduced. Dangerous stuff, truly. No limit to the strange things it can do.

-Lars "And it'll do it just as soon as look at you, too" Clausen


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A new leader!
From: "Lane Gray" <E9c6zum.mwis.net>
Date: Sat, 14 Aug 1999 04:34:16 -0500

DMP wrote:
>Lurker Praps wrote:
>> Also Sprach Lars Clausen:
>> > This may sound absurd, but it actually mated with itself, and reproduced. Dangerous stuff, truly. No limit to the strange things it can do.
>> Hermaphrodite?
>Hermaphrodite? I hardly even knew dite...
>that wasn't funny was it?
>Should I show my penis to make up for it?

No, but if it'll make you quit talking about it, post a picture on the web, and give us the URL. I could use the plans for a garden sprinkler.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A new leader!
From: Lurker Praps
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 15:21:06 +0100

Also Sprach Lionel:
> >ITYM omnisexual. HTH. HAND.
> >Cici <does that mean having sex at the Omni?> in Texas
> I thought it meant having sex with everyone?

Can't be done. Not enough hours in the day. Believe me, I've tried.


From: cclovis.mindspringnospam.com (Cici in Texas)
'Sides, some of them haven't bathed yet.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A new leader!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999 16:00:09 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Donald Welsh schrieb:
>> <lee1089.kettering.edu> wrote:
>>>exec("/usr/bin/wibble", "wibble");
>>Just don't run that SUID. It'll open a huge security hole, and allow crossposts into the froup.
>You know, I've heard more people scared about the *reverse* scenario..

Yeah, but those hebephrenic types [1] in alt.fan.douglas-adams don't know a thing about Oracle database software.

[1] Present company excepted. *We're* neotenous.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: Nils Desle <nils.desle.cegeka.be>
Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1999 10:52:44 +0200

Tom Tom Harrington wrote:
> Hook wrote:
> >Great... anything that makes a rhodite unhappy is due to Hook...
> >I had no idea I was so all powerful.
> >The mind boggles...
> >Hook Causes Hurricane
> >Hook Collapses Stock Market
> >Hook Rigs the World Series
> Hook's ego blocks out the sun.

So THAT's what we saw yesterday! And here I go thinking it's the moon. You had us all fooled! You prankster!

Nils


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 99 16:23:18 GMT

m.pack. "Lurker Praps" writes:
> > Hook's ego blocks out the sun.
> Nope, it was clouds. Lots of clouds. And rain.
> Two minutes and six seconds of totality, at the precise point of landfall of the centre line (Trewellard), after a six hour overnight drive, with no sleep because I was the one driving, and it was too cloudy to see a fscking thing, not even the shadow rushing towards us over the Atlantic, and I had to drive back overnight as well, and I'm knackered.

In the Midlands: not a cloud in the sky all morning. I went out and looked through somebody's glasses. I saw a small orange crescent on a black background. I told myself: "This is the only time in my entire life I'll be able to watch a small orange crescent on a black background in Britain." I went back inside again.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: sewiv.nomaps.izzy.net
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1999 22:17:46 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
> I meant the jar that you put a coin in after each time during the first two years of marriage, and then you take one out for each time during the rest of your marriage. No one has ever reported emptying their jar yet.

It's when you find the twenties that you start thinking "Maybe not everyone's as cheap as me".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu.STOPSPAM>
Date: 13 Aug 1999 10:43:31 -0500

nils.desle.cegeka.be wrote:
> Jim Evans wrote:
>> Chris Wesling wrote:
>> > "Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
>> > > Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>> > > : I thought DMP had volunteered for the barbequeue?
>> > > Izzat the line you wait in to get your hair cut?
>> > To borrow the traditional response to bad puns from alt.callahans:
>> > 8888888888888888
>> > You have just been showered with thrown peanuts.
>> &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
>> JIM, who's now out of pretzels
> **************
> Nils, who's now out of shurikans[1].

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Boomerangs are more fun.

-Lars ">>>>>>>>>>>>>>>" Clausen -- HELP!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: edc81u4.newsguy.com (Ed Chauvin IV)
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1999 18:31:45 GMT

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>Nils Desle <nils.desle.cegeka.be> said:
>: **************
>: Nils, who's now out of shurikans[1].
>8< 8< 8< 8< 8< 8< 8< 8<
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are out of scissors

O
O
O

O

O

O


O

O

O
OO
OOO
OOOO

Dammit, now I've dropped all my bowling balls.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1999 15:39:10 +0959

Jim Evans schrieb:
>&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
> JIM, who's now out of pretzels

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Whoops. I just lost my marbles.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: kelley.ruralnet.net (Kevin Kelley)
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 01:40:48 GMT

edc81u4.newsguy.com (Ed Chauvin IV) wrote:
> Kevin Kelley wrote:
> >Neverseenit. My tv got left behind last time I moved (damn, I miss "her") and I haven't bothered to replace it. I'm afraid that if I give in and buy one, it'll be the one that marks 100% penetration of the market (a TV in every home): and, of course, I'm the poster-boy for partial penetration. I don't know where I'm going with this line of thought. Hell most likely. Or Finland, anyway.
> Would this transvestite have anything to do with rhod's omnisexuality?

I don't know. Maybe if rhod's omnisexuality bought h..uhh..her a drink first.


Kevin "need some gender-neutral whatchamacallits" Kelley

From: Lurker Praps
I have your gender-neutral whatchamacallits right here.
From: kelley.ruralnet.net (Kevin Kelley)
I was hoping for something other than the battery-powered ones.
Kevin "that goes WHERE?!?" Kelley

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Motti)
Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1999 21:44:22 GMT

Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
>On a tangent to this conversation, I had a thought this weekend on the subject of Jewish dietary laws: Can tortillas be substituted for matzoh? I know it's not traditional, but tortillas _are_ unleavened bread, and therefore seem that they'd meet the letter of the law. Or is there more to that rule than a simple absence of yeast?

A little known fact about most Jewish dietary law is that all festive food must have an additional use.

Matzos:
a] Passover bread substitute, "poor bread" to commemorate the enslavement in Egypt.
b] Snowboard, for escaping Kozaks on the yearly blood libel pogroms.
Hamman Tashen:
a] Purim cookies, "Ears of Hamman" to degrade a plotter of Jewish Genocide.
b] Ninja stars [two make one], get even with those Goyish Halloween pests.
Gefilte Fish:
a] Rosh Ha-shana food symbolising that the next year will see us as successful as fish [don't ask].
b] Default Jewish food, used to simplify comedians lifes.

You realise of course that this information is top secret and now that you've read it I'll have to circumcise you.

Motti "Women and children first"

From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Hm, well, if you punch a couple of holes in a tortilla, it becomes a small pair of edible underwear, so I guess it passes the test.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: longword+usenet.newsguy.com (Lionel)
Date: Sun, 29 Aug 1999 09:40:28 GMT

kelley.ruralnet.net (Kevin Kelley) said:
> longword+usenet.newsguy.com (Lionel) wrote:
>> kelley.ruralnet.net (Kevin Kelley) said:
>> >A newsclip today has it that they're using the knee joints from old Barbie dolls in reconstructive surgery for fingers. Barbie, meet Rosie.
>> Ooooooookay.
>> I'm almost afraid to ask, but I will anyway: WTF would they use Barbie doll joints for that?
[...]
>The implication as I recall was that the knee joints from the doll were so well engineered that they worked better than anything else, but frankly that sounds pretty unbelievable to me.

Ditto. I know that I sure as hell wouldn't want something that the dog had chewed on being surgically embedded in *my* body.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: kelley.ruralnet.net (Kevin Kelley)
Date: Sun, 29 Aug 1999 14:26:36 GMT

edc81u4.newsguy.com (Ed Chauvin IV) wrote:
> I remember hearing about this, apparently they're stripping the skin off the Barbie legs and casting them into prosthetic fingers for amputees. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

Still seems odd; I can't imagine that the process used to make Barbie knees is anything complicated or expensive. Seems it'd be easier to manufacture new knuckles to spec, than to disassemble, decontaminate and reengineer. It's not like saving a few bucks is going to make a difference in the total cost of the operation ("discounts if you bring your own doll!").

Somebody ought to dissect a Barbie and tell us what the knee joints look like -- if they're something vastly complicated, or just a bit of flexible nylon. I'd do it myself, but all my Barbies are special to me.

> I don't think it's so much a matter of better engineered as they've already made <sagan>billions and billions</> of them.

Well, recycling is a good thing, in general. Hmm, what's next? Remember those toy racecars with the flywheel and the ripcord you pulled to start it? Embed that near the navel, attached to a pump feeding the appropriate blood vessels, and I'm thinking you've got a cure for impotence! Vroom, hear I come, baby!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On-Topic Bit o' (un)Fun.
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Sat, 28 Aug 99 08:38:15 GMT

m.pack. "Lurker Praps" writes:
> > I guess if they can make a prosthetic nose (cf: Tycho Brahe)
> Cat Balou. I haven't seen that fillum in decades.

Oh, so it was Tycho that sang "I Was Born under a Wand'ring Star". I always thought it was that other astronomer and sporter of metallic prosthetics: Copperknickers.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*--They're to stop yer bladder exploding... oh, never mind--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Goodbye, monkeys
From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 15 Aug 1999 19:15:43 GMT

Ben Fisher said:
: JC was born as late as 4BC and possibly as early as 20BC[1]. So, at the latest, the end of The Second Millennuim was in 1996. The gulf war was ARMAGEDDON, Saddam Hussein WAS the ANTICHRIST, and THE righteous forces OF America kicked HIS BUTT!

All-caps quotient: 22.7%
You have obtained the rank of Junior Fundamentalist.
Play again [y/n]? y

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies work in airports


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad Idea
From: "DMP" <ten.asu.rekrapmd>
Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1999 21:03:41 -0500

Lionel wrote:
> DMP said:
> >Lionel wrote:
> >> dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) said:
> >> > Things not to do while nekkid, item #3:
> >> > Clean the brSff's tank.
> >> <DMP> Have I ever mentioned in RHOD that it's a really bad idea to use a soldering iron while naked? </DMP>
> >How did you know about that little incident?
> Bwahahahahahah! - The BOFH sees all, knows all.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Actually, you mentioned that at a time when I was too busy to do more than lurk. It caught my attention because I've actually done the same thing myself.
> At one time I lived in a house with a tin roof, & it was during a heatwave (>41c outside, much hotter inside), so I was naked. I was building a prototype, & stupidly valued comfort over safety. To cut a long story short, I accidentally dripped a blob of molten solder on my bits. (solder melts at 360c, for those of you who aren't familiar with solder.) I still have the resulting freckle-like scar to this very day.

I want to make this perfectly clear, I was only kidding, I would never do anything so reckless as solder in the nude. I might deliberately put a hole through my johnson, but I would never try to claim that "well, you see it was real hot outside, so I decided to play with molten metal, and because it was so hot, I took off all my clothes"

My god man, what were you thinking.

No when I fried the bacon this morning, well I was asleep. I mean I even KNOW better, but I was sleepy, and...you know I thought, "I'll put on pants in a second, you know--when it starts to cook"

Bacon starts cooking really fast BTW


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bad Idea
From: longword+usenet.newsguy.com (Lionel)
Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 13:18:17 GMT

"Lane Gray" <E9c6zum.mwis.net> said:
>Lionel wrote:
>>On the bright side, it makes for a really unusual pickup line.
>I think if they're actually looking at it, you've already made the pickup.

No, it's more like: "Hey, you'll never guess where my weirdest scar is."

<zipping noise> <flop!> See?

Geez, give me credit for *some* subtlety! - We're not *all* DMP, ya know!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: Poster is away, please leave a message
From: "DMP" <ten.asu.rekrapmd>
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1999 15:08:34 -0500

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.acm.org> wrote:
> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> >Aaron A. Haviland said:
> >: Something I haven't told you about myself before:
> >: Yeah. I've never kissed a girl[2].
> >: [2] I've never had sex either, but I want a kiss, not sex. I mean, sure, I want sex, but, I mean, well...
> >Don't worry--according to one of my campers a number of years ago, sex and kissing are pretty much the same thing.
> >I should point out that this kid also thought girls had penises, so you might do well to get a second opinion.
> Maybe. Was this a transvestite summer camp? If so, he was right.

You went to one of those too? Amazing I grew up normal with those types of influences around me all the time.

From: kelley.ruralnet.net (Kevin Kelley)
"normal" meaning "orthogonal to the plain", right?
Kevin "oh, we loves our math jokes, yes we do" Kelley

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay, I started the seti thing. Are you happy?
From: hetta.saunalahti.fi (Henriette Kress)
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 05:59:27 GMT

cclovis.mindspringnospam.com (Cici in Texas) wrote:
>> Kevin Kelley tapped out:
>> >Okay, okay, I'll admit it. I was weaned too young, and my life's desire now is to regain access to breasts.
>> Hmmmm. Define "too young."

In face of the evidence it seems that parents wean their girls at the right age, while the boys are weaned far too young. The few exceptions I've seen were mostly lesbians.

So the question is, can a mother tell that her baby daughter is going to be lesbian, and thus wean her too young? Or does weaning a baby girl too young make her a lesbian?

From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
So boys that are weaned "on-time" grow up to be lesbians?
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies make leaps of logic

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay, I started the seti thing. Are you happy?
From: "DMP" <ten.asu.rekrapmd>
Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 15:07:20 -0500

Unpaid Artsicyn <cyn.in.erraticzone.sympatico.ca> wrote:
> DMP wrote:
> > Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> wrote:
> > > DMP schrieb:
> > > ><request for a hug from a Rhoditess with big goombobbers>
> > > Goombobbers? People invent the *weirdest* euphemisms..
> > > >You are the most beautiful, most intelligent, most witty, woman I have ever met. You are more than a mortal, you must be a Goddess. A true Goddess, not just a goddess of some silly newsgroup, but a Goddess from heaven sent down, to play games with mere mortals. I am not worthy of your spectacular hugs, yet at the same time, your touch is all that I desire. Your hug would surely be so humbling to me that I would begin a long and ardous journey towards repentance for all my sins. A journey that would cast me to the depths of despair before I would be able to ever feel that touch again, but a journey that I would willingly go on, just to receive that first hug...
> > > You got a touch of the poet in you, son. Or perhaps a touch of the sun..
> > I was really hoping to be touched *by* a poet, since we all know how adept Cyn is at writing poetry. This is of course another example of her status as the Goddess. The one true Goddess that we should all bow down and follow. It would be impossible for me to grovel sufficiently to please someone so great, but I will continue to try, suffering self-humiliation by showing my general worthlessness...
> Yeah, yeah, that's what you all say, but what are you _really_ going to do to please me, hmmmm?

I will commit my mind, body, and soul to you. I will become your slave, your devoted droogie, to torment and torture at your whim...I will be there to satisfy any desire you may have, I will cook for you, I will clean your heavenly domicile, I will wash your clothes, all just to be near you.

And I'll let you play with the ring in my willy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay, I started the seti thing. Are you happy?
From: Corran Webster <corranw.my-deja.com>
Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 04:52:45 GMT

kelley.ruralnet.net wrote:
> Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu> wrote:
> > kelley.ruralnet.net wrote:
> > > almost all such limitations. I think we're going to see the world population continue to follow a power curve for years: until we
> > I'm afraid you'll find that's an exponential curve, not merely a power curve.
> Ehh? What's the difference between e^k and x^k? An exponential curve is just a power curve with (x==e), is not it?

Um, no.

It's the difference between x^a (a power curve) and a^x (an exponential curve). Power curves which grow, grow rather fast. Exponential curves which grow, grow Exceedingly Bloody Fast (this is a technical term).

In fact, exponential curves grow exponentially.

Corran
(who will be teaching Calculus I again in a week's time)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay, I started the seti thing. Are you happy?
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Motti)
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 09:31:07 GMT

Kevin Kelley wrote:
> Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.dakota.gate.net> wrote:
>> Lurker Praps <m.pack... wrote:
>> ; I carefully avoided the use of that word, for the simple reason that although "evolution" can be defined as "a process in which something passes by degrees to a more advanced or mature stage",
>> This, of course, is pure bull. Evolution is the process of adapting to fit the environment, and what constitutes "advanced or mature" has a nasty habit of changing drastically. Look at birds. A flying bird on an island will be blown out to sea and drown. A flightless bird on the mainland is cat food. So we have hawks and kiwis, and neither is more advanced than the other. Humans reached a similar point not too long ago, and now the perfect physical body and its ability to avoiding becoming cat food is no longer important. The definition of "fit" has changed.
>True, good point. I'm wondering now what are some of the selection pressures that affect the fitness function, what things affect the likelihood of a person's reproducing. What is now being selected for? About the only thing I can think of is Catholicism

I'm still waiting for the Birth Right Lotteries, talk about useful genes!!!

<news flash>
An enormous asteroid almost destroyed all life on earth today. Named MankindSquisher by astronomers, the asteroid was about to strike in the general vicinity of the Birth Right Lottery maternity ward but due to an astounding stroke of luck it was slowed by an unusually thick cloud, rebounded off a swallow and ricocheted out into space hitting the Vogon's invasion fleet lead ship thus disabling the fleet. Scientist have yet to determine whether the cause of this extremely unlikely event was and if it was an African or a European swallow.
</news>

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay, I started the seti thing. Are you happy?
From: Lurker Praps
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 05:46:39 +0100

Also Sprach <lee1089.kettering.edu>:
> > Nature is still red in tooth and claw.
> Looks more like pink, very light pink to me.

The next meeting of the Rhod Apathy Society has been cancelled owing to lack of interest.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay, I started the seti thing. Are you happy?
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 08:32:23 -0500

Ian Davis wrote:
> Tom Tom Harrington wrote:
> > Perhaps you're using a different interpretation of memetics with which I'm unfamiliar, or perhaps I'm just talking out of my ass.
> I don't mind that so much, but would you please stop, er, "clearing your throat" first?

Just step back if it looks like he's going to spit.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay, I started the seti thing. Are you happy?
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 99 16:00:38 GMT

m.pack.... "Lurker Praps" writes:
> MA in (not population) genetics. I see everything at a microscopic and individual level.

Od's Bodkins, I'm not alone! Ah, biology, purest of the sciences... Physicists just make it up as they go along, chemists end up working for a pittance for soulless multinationals that rape and pillage the environment, but biologists, why, we don't get jobs at all but spend the rest of our lives with people coming to us with jars containing bugs they found in a packet of kiwi fruit and expecting us to know instantly what they are.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
-Who now works for a SMTRAPTE but gets paid more than the chemists-


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay, I started the seti thing. Are you happy?
From: Lurker Praps
Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1999 19:33:31 +0100

Also Sprach GW De Lacey:
> I was on my first honeymoon.

So was I.

It was fun.

Didn't think much of your choice of wine with the meal on that second evening, though. Your new bride and I had a good laugh about that when you went to the loo.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay, I started the seti thing. Are you happy?
From: Lurker Praps
Date: Sun, 29 Aug 1999 13:05:13 +0100

Also Sprach Lane Gray, Czar Castic:
> the_iguana.my-deja.com wrote:
> >It was one of those things no-one ever admitted to, wasn't it, fancying Margaret Thatcher. She was certainly a fine-looking woman, it was just that she was a mad vindictive right-wing fruitcake as well.
> vindictive, how? Like wanting to de-nationalize all those industries that had been stolen^Wconfiscated? To whom was she vindictive? As a Libertarian, I have to admit she had her faults, but at least she headed in the right direction. Government is a lot like Hydrochloric acid. It can be quite useful, but only in judicious quantities, and should not be applied just everywhere.

[Ooh, the temptation to pontificate at length about USAn politics is great, but I know something about them, so am not qualified to do so.]

Thatcher wanted a return to the Feudal Britain of the 18th century, with robber-baron landlords and huddled peasants eating the leftovers from their plates. That someone from the Land of the Free [TM] can admire someone who wanted one law for the rich and one for the poor is beyond me.

From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Thatcher shared with Gorbachev this curious property of being far more popular outside their own country than in it (as I recall, Opus would have chosen her for president before even Gregory Peck). The main difference was that none of the EC countries could stand the deranged, handbag-wielding old battleaxe either.
-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---Thank god for leaders unburdened by personality, say I--

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay, I started the seti thing. Are you happy?
From: longword+usenet.newsguy.com (Lionel)
Date: Mon, 30 Aug 1999 15:26:34 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) said:
>Lionel schrieb:
>>I think this proves conclusively that the men of RHOD are being replaced by pod people.
>That would be "Pathetic, On-line, Dateless"?

If they have been celibate long enough to lust after Margaret Thatcher, then I think that would be a fair assessment.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Mead stuff for Kevin
From: cgreuter.calum.csclub.uwaterloo.ca (Chris Reuter)
Date: 23 Aug 1999 20:02:03 GMT

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.acm.org> wrote:
> Al Sharka wrote:
[...]
>>If we all could clone ourselves, would everyone be gay?
>All except for people who hated themselves, who would still have partners.
>If you kill your clone, would you be charged with murder or suicide?

That depends. If it was a really hateful clone and you pushed it out the window, you'd be charged with making an obscene clone fall.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Mead stuff for Kevin
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 20:32:31 +0959

Tom "Tom" Harrington schrieb:
>Sounds like the stuff I use for slug bait. Garden slugs, for the uninformed, are irresistably drawn to beer. The implications of this for human beer drinkers are left as an exercise for the reader.

Drunk people should never fall asleep in gardens with their mouths open?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: SETI stuff
From: edc81u4.newsguy.com (Ed Chauvin IV)
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 05:07:56 GMT

THE TIGRIS wrote:
>Kevin Kelley wrote:
>> Lurker Praps wrote:
>> > Also Sprach Kimberly Chapman:
>> > > I still think y'all should listen to the speech. It's the kind of stuff you people would like, I think.
>> > I did. It was. And it took 2 hours of network congestion to hear a 25 minute talk which was neither downloadable nor recordable.
>> > Richard, please lodge my complaint with the highest authority you know.
>> Dog has been informed. (there is no cat)
>Hey, there is and _always_ will be CAT! (At least, they think so.)

Take it easy on him. He's exhibiting a common variant of "penis envy", only in males it almost always presents as "pussy denial".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Not Our Kim...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 1999 17:36:11 +0959

lee1089.kettering.edu schrieb:
> Screwtape wrote:
>> Kimberly Chapman schrieb:
>> >Nope, that's not me. I may have lost some weight climbing the rugged hills of UCSanta Cruz campus at SCO Forum this week, but my hair is WAY longer than that drawing.
>> SCO forum? What's going on there in the networking world? Are they all scared of Linux completely obliterating the x86 Unix market?
>Somewhat but not totally. Commercial flavors of *nix will still be desired by some companies until Linux and Linux consultants are proven reliable.

I'm a little miffed at Linux right now. The same code that I wrote for a Uni assignment causes segfaults on Linux at home, and runs fine on Solaris at Uni.

>> >And oh yes, I have much nicer breasts. But y'all knew that.
>> Well, we've been *told*..
>Yes. I think we need a GIF. You yourself don't believe DMP's claims because he never showed a GIF. Come on and put your GIF where your mouth is.

That's a quandary. If we get Kim to put up a GIF (or better yet, PNG), DMP is justified in putting up a GIF (or better yet, PICT).

And that may well result in the US Government declaring the whole Internet unfit for human habitation.

Screwtape,
now *that's* and environmental hazard.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Everybody's free
From: Nils Desle <nils.desle.cegeka.be>
Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1999 09:15:48 +0200

Everybody's Free (to worship me)

Ladies and gentlemen of rec.humor.oracle.d: Worship me.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, worshipping me would be it. The long term benefits of worshipping me have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of my youth. Not that you will understand the beauty of my youth until you've performed deviant sexual acts with me, but trust me, in twenty years you'll look back at photos of me and recall in a way you can't grasp now how incredibly sexy I was and how sorry you are you didn't worship me. You, on the other hand, are as ugly as you imagine. If you don't worship me, worry about your future. Know that worrying is about as effective as trying to write yet another parody to that Baz Luhrman song by chewing bubble gum [pop!]. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your puny mind, the kind that blindside you in an 18-wheeler at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday, the driver looking a lot like me and grinning. Do one thing every day that scares someone else. Sing off key. Play with other people's hearts like a cat with a mouse. Kill people that play with your mouse.

Don't floss, it's no use. Your teeth will never have that new and improved shininess you see in my glorious mouth. Don't waste your time on jealousy. You'll never be ahead. The race is long, and I'm lapping you like there's no tomorrow.

Remember compliments you receive, if any. Forget the insults. Good luck, you idiot. Keep the old love letters you sent yourself. Send me your bank statements, cheques, money and other valuables.

Stretch. It will make your time in my torture chamber more bearable. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. Devote it to me instead. The most interesting people I know knew at 22 that they wanted to worship me for the rest of their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds still do. Get plenty of calcium before you come to me, since I'll only feed you water and bread. Be kind to your knees, you'll be spending a lot of time on them.

Maybe you'll mary, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary, in which case I will come and personally kick yo' funky ass.

Whatever your do, don't congratulate yourself too much, unless you're dutifully worshipping me. Don't berate yourself either, unless you think you could do more for me. Your choices are half chance and half my good influence. This is not enough. I need at least a 30-70 split in my favor.

Enjoy your body, I will too. I'll use it in every way I can. Don't be afraid of me or what other people think of me. You are the neatest toy I will ever own.

Dance, even if I ask you to do it naked and with a banana stuck up your rear end.

Read the directions and fucking follow them. Sheesh, some people!

Do not read beauty magazines. They might tell you to get a life of your own.

Abandon your parents. They're no good. Be nice to your siblings so you can enroll them into slavery for me. Understand that friends come and go, but you will always have an honest master with me.

Live in New York once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Then live in Belgium and be nice and soft whilst making me hard.

Travel (and recruit more slaves for me)

Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise, I will philander. You will get old, I'll stay young and hot forever. When you do get old, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, I was noble and children respected their elders. Screw the elders, respect ME.

I expect you to support me. I hope you have a trust fund. Or a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out, so bring both.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look like 85 and I will kick you out on the street. Accept my advice without question for I am not patient with those who ignore it.

Advice is not a form of nostalgia. I dispense it in order to enslave all of humanity, so listen to me.

And trust me on the worshipping.

From: <lee1089.kettering.edu>
I see that song has reached Belgium.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Diddly riptiles
From: Paul Andinach <pandinac.mermaid.ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au>
Date: Sat, 28 Aug 1999 20:24:06 +0800

In today's Weekend Australian, there was a feature article about Steve and Terri Irwin, who have found fame with an American cable show called _Crocodile Hunter_, in which Steve confirms every stupid idea Yanks have about Australian bushmen and can't resist saying Hi to every dangerous creature he meets.

For some reason, I read the article and immediately thought of rhod.

From: Lurker Praps
ITYM "Steve the Loonie".

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Diddly riptiles
From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Date: Tue, 31 Aug 1999 00:36:38 +1000

Lurker Praps <m.pack.... > wrote:
> Also Sprach Richard Fitzpatrick:
> > >Does a kangaroo shit in the outback?
> > Certainly. Especially if you sneak up on 'em and shout "Dingo!"
> Well, if it "Dingo" before, that would certainly make it "go".
> Bwahahahahahahaha <koff koff>.

There are no diddly riptiles or spidahs in Aus, not since the Government introduced the harvester mouthed gulpaswallow anyway. Those you see on Steves show are Hollywood props.

--
GW De Lacey
Whose liver and white English springer spaniel has great faith in the biological eradication of undesirable life forms.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Diddly riptiles
From: Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.your.fingercheerful.com>
Date: 29 Aug 1999 23:40:34 -0700

Ed Chauvin IV said:
>[1]: Just who/what the hell is "crikey", anyway? I understand the usage, but my wife desires a more precise definition.

"Gor' blimey!"
"Strike me pink!"
"Strike me lucky!"
"Goodness!"
"Gee whillikers!"
"Stone the crows!"
"Blow me down!"
"Gosh oh golly!"
"Bloody hell!"
"Well, stuff me up a dead 'orse's bum!"

Oh. You understand the usage and require a more precise definition? Sorry, I was just giving some thesaurus services. I'm an archiver, not a researcher.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Diddly riptiles
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Tue, 31 Aug 1999 15:29:50 GMT

Chris Wesling wrote:
>Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
>> Chris Wesling wrote:
>> >Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
>> >> Screwtape wrote:
>> >> >Presumably "Christ" is a title, not just a name. So like William the Conqueror, and Alexander the Great (not to mention Winnie the Pooh) we should say "Jesus the Christ".
>> >> I'm well familiar with Pooh's peculiar speech habits, but I didn't think the other two spoke funny. And didn't Alex speak Latin anyway?
>> >Greek, old boy, Greek. (And he *spoke* it, too.)
>> Who you calling old? (And I hope you weren't trying to correct my grammar there.)
>No, no, just an innuendo that wasn't clear enough. Alex didn't just speak Greek, he practiced it, too, IYKWIM (nudge nudge ;-) ;-))... (Not that there's anything *wrong* with that.)

I've seen t-shirts, buttons, and sundry other crap that reads "Kiss me, I speak French!" [0] What is the Greek equivalent? That is, fill in the blank in the following: "________ me, I speak Greek!"

Tom

[0] ...and at least one t-shirt which said, in French, "Speak to me, I French kiss".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oracle (wow, it might be ot!)
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Tue, 31 Aug 99 16:17:14 GMT

asharka.my-deja.com "Al Sharka" writes:
> It's more difficult now to get a high (or low) score. More people vote now than they did early on in Orrie's existence, so the scores run more towards average.

<trainspotting>
You'll be pleased to know it's getting easier again. Though digests regularly attracted over 100 voters in 1996 and 1997, it went down to around 85 in 1998 and now seems to be averaging about 75. So, assassinate 60-70 voters, and you might yet equal the all-time best of 4.9 (or the all-time worst of ...mumble... ) </trainspotting>

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---As a matter of fact, yes, I do look like Ewan McGregor--



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