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2001 04 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Object Lesson
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Sun, 01 Apr 2001 22:49:53 +1100

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
> I would *love* to hack that phrase into every AOL client in the world..

Apropros of nothing at all, here's a fun thing to try at work: sneak in and modify the autocorrect settings on the secretary's computer, so that every time she types "the" it changes it to "the bloody". Hours of fun for the whole family.

Ian, who would never do that to his staff. Technically, of course, she'd already resigned.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Object Lesson
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 02 Apr 2001 13:28:14 +1000

Kevin Blackburn wrote:
> Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> writes
> >Kevin Blackburn wrote:
> >> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> writes
> >> >Psst - if you ask nicely I'll show you my secret tunnel...
> >> Let me guess, I should ignore the wafts of Oregano coming from the other end of the tunnel, that's for an entirely innocent stew and/or sacrifice of someone else.
> >> >Or Viki's...
> >> OK, that distracted me.
> >Well, hello there..... : )
> Umm, hi. You're another one of these beautiful goddesses aren't you? EGK's made me a little scared of human goddesses. Tentacled ones, now... err, sorry, other newsgroup.
> >Viki
> >... is Sara playing pimp again? Bad, bad, EGK.
> I'd recommend a good spanking, but I get the feeling it would be taken the wrong way.

Here Viki - you might need these - <tosses Governess costume, German accent and silver-backed hairbrush over>

Oh - and don't forget to make him sign the damned receipt this time, or it's coming out of your hide, bay-bee.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Object Lesson
From: Kevin Blackburn <kevin.fairbruk.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 2 Apr 2001 19:40:46 +0100

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> writes
>>Umm, hi. You're another one of these beautiful goddesses aren't you? EGK's made me a little scared of human goddesses. Tentacled ones, now...err, sorry, other newsgroup.
>Goddessessessess schmoddesses...around here you should be scared of everyone.

I refuse to be frightened of a load of ... umm, various incarnations of the omniscient Oracle, umm, let me rephrase.

>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are even scared of the non-humans

Including each other?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Acronyms
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Sun, 01 Apr 2001 22:45:16 +1100

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
> >PHAAVYVATHF
> >The best I could discern from posts containing this one is that it somehow describes how tuna (or anchovies) floss their teeth. I don't get it.
> Many people don't. Get it, that is.
> Ian? I think your medical expertise, lay experience and clearly-expressed interest are needed here.

No, I don't think so. I'd just beat around the bush.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 03 Apr 2001 01:17:41 +1000

sid.siddhartha.8m.com wrote:
>Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
> >Sid played ...
> >>"just another lazy Sunday afternoon."
> >If you paraphrased that, on Fridays I'd go painting in the Lououououououououoououououououououoououououououououo................................vre.
> And Friday, I'm in love.

Does this mean that I *think* it means, Mr Crusoe?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: SWM ISO URL
From: Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi>
Date: Mon, 02 Apr 2001 20:12:00 +0300

pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> wrote:
>pieceoftheuniverse - who's shut off his .sig since, and managed to get digested with the one incarnation he didn't have his .sig appended to.
>--
>Begin Supplicant Code Block
>g++ Q F++ og !Z rh++ eq+++ D*
>End Supplicant Code Block
>1018-08

Intriguing. Perhaps they mean this:

g+++ They named the Cheshire cat after me
g++ People just can't stop grinning when they see me.
g+ Actually, the corners of my mouth meet at the back.
g I'm usually funny, but I know that I have less shiny moments, too.
g- Sorry, I'm having a bad day right now
g-- Yeah, just _try_ to make me laugh
g--- You just betcha I'll ruin _your_ day, too.

Q++++ I'm the fearless leader
Q+++ I'm one of the QC folks
Q++ Sure, I sometimes write a DRIcularity.
Q+ I like the DRI girls, and if I see'em in the digests they always get a high mark.
Q Sure, they can be funny, just don't overdo it.
Q- Nah, they just don't do it for me.
Q-- It's a 1, I don't even read past the first "Sibyl", "Pythia" or "Cassie".
Q--- If there ever was anything more braindead it's been extinct since before the pre-Cambrian.

F? no idea.

og+++ I'm Og, or Ogwa.
og++ I sometimes incarnate as Og and his pals
og+ I like Og, and if I see'em in the digests they always get high marks.
og Well, sure, he's funny every now and then, just don't overdo it.
og- Too simple for me.
og-- If I even see an oracularity with Ora-kul in it it gets a one
og--- Scusi, sir, could I please borrow your time machine? I'd like to go back in time and eradicate the Og meme.

Z++++ I'm Richard Wilson
Z+++ Most of my oracularities are done with Zadoc the Worm.
Z++ Sure, I sometimes incarnate with a Zadoc theme.
Z+ I like Zadoc, and if I see'im in the digests he always gets high marks.
Z Well sure, he can be funny now and then, but don't overdo it.
Z- Nah, not for me.
Z-- That crawling worm? Oracularities with him in them get automatic ones.
Z--- I only wish Kinzler would redo the votes so I could give negative scores to zadocularities.

rh++++ I'm in every edition of BoRHOD for the past 12 months.
rh+++ I read every post in rhod, several times a day. And post daily, too.
rh++ I have a small killfile, but follow the group closely.
rh+ rhod is cool, and I follow it whenever I have the time.
rh Well, sure, it's nice, but there's other good groups, too.
rh- rhod? I saw it but left after a few weeks.
rh-- I think I checked rhod a few years ago, for about five minutes. Screaming horses couldn't drag me back.
rh--- Ooooh, a nuclear missile? And coordinates for the servers that carry the froup? Much obliged.

eq?

D++++ I'm Steve Kinzler.
D+++ I've been digested over 100 times, and you'll find at least three of mine in the all time top 50.
D++ I've lost count, but it's over 10 times anyway.
D+ Yay! I've been digested!
D I'm still trying to get into that.
D- I'm not even trying anymore.
D-- I've decided that priests don't appreciate my sense of humor, and have stopped using TIO altogether.
D--- Not that I'd ever stoop so low as to try to get into the digests, anyway. Me? Hah!

+ # or date of first digest

If they do, here's mine:

--
Begin Supplicant Code Block v. 0.95
g Q+++ F? og- Z rh++++[1] eq? D++/oct99
End Supplicant Code Block

Cheers
Hetta

[1] Of _course_ I am. Heh. At the top and bottom of every page... ... oh okay. It's rh++/+++, then.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: SWM ISO URL
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 02 Apr 2001 22:51:43 -0400

Comrade Henriette Kress wrote:
[snip+]
> F? no idea.

F++++ I'm Joel Furr
F+++ I'm a card carrying member of the Joel Furr Thought Police
F++ I like lemurs. Frink!
F+ Wasn't Joel Furr elected Internet Oracle once?
F Joel Furr is a Colorful Usenet Character
F- I'm glad he's faded into obscurity.
F-- Burn the lemurs. Burn them.
F--- Four years ago! It was FOUR YEARS AGO! MOVE ON!!
F---- Can't talk now, I'm in the duck blind and he's coming out of the house soon.

JIM
--
Begin Supplicant Code Block
g Q+++ F+ og Z+ rh+++ eq? D++
End Supplicant Code Block
1072-03


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: SWM ISO URL
From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com>
Date: 4 Apr 2001 22:08:45 GMT

If we're insisting that it's a supplicant's code, then my priestly experience would have it look something like this...

F+++ Every oracularity I write is so fantastically funny that not only are keyboards destroyed, but foaming beverages are shot from the ears of unsuspecting readers to the detriment of external peripheral devices of every description.
F++ Every time I write an oracularity, I make sure it's funny.
F+ If an oracularity is funny, I'm sure to give it high marks.
F Funny? Sure maybe. I'm really just sending these things so my boss/professor/spouse thinks I'm incredibly busy and hardworking and deserve a raise/good grade/sex.
F- Funny oracularities don't properly break the spirit of the priesthood.
F-- I am the Juno Incarnation
F--- Dude. I just found this site and sent in my underwear size. Whut?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: SWM ISO URL
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 05 Apr 2001 19:53:52 +1000

Julianna Avedon wrote:
> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >Trog wrote:
> >> >snip <
> >> <mode=pedant>
> >> Excuse me, chaps, but isn't "every oracularity I write ..." more applicable to an incarnation's code than a supplicant's?
> >> </mode>
> ><mode=pedant>
> >"Chaps"?? What do you mean *chaps*?
> ></mode>
> I think he means he's wearing chaps, a cowboy hat and some sort of pendant...

I wore some chaps out once.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Look Mommy, she even comes with a pack of Camels!
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Mon, 02 Apr 2001 20:49:29 -0700

So this weekend my wife and I were getting a shower gift at Toys'R'Us...

Mommy! Mommy! Can I get this!!

Oh, Sarah, I don't know, we're here to get your little brother some diapers. What is it?

It's the new Barbie, Mom! Isn't it cool?

What? Let's see it. Biker Chick Barbie?

Yeah, and.. and.. she's got cool accessories like this bag, and this helmet and.. and..

Is that a pack of cigarrettes and a six pack?

..and when you press this button, she *talks*! Watch!!

*Let's fire up the crotch rocket and go ridin'*

I dunno Sarah, it's a lot of money.

Aw, C'mon Mom, I've been really, really, really good!

*Last time I drank that stuff I woke up in Tijuana with my nipples pierced.*

And she even has a "Fat - Boy - Harley" she can ride on.

No, Sarah, absolutely not.

But, MmmmmmooooOOOOOoooooommmmmm.....

*Let's stop here so I can get the bugs out of my teeth*

Absolutely not! Put it back right now.

Snuff, Snuff, I never get anything cool.

*Girl, you've got a pretty mouth.*

http://www.barbiecollectibles.com/showcase/product.asp?product_id=150297


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: More Sore Losers
From: Dave Hemming <surfbaudNOSPAM.waverider.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 03 Apr 2001 10:11:14 +0100

Just a little on-topic stuff. Perpetrators of "on-topic is off-topic" comments will suffer the fate of all those who run a joke into the ground long after it's dead.[1]
<snip a few good sore losers; I'm pretty sure Dave'll put'em up on his site>

Dave
[1] The kneecaps are removed and ground into powder, not necessarily in that order. The white powder is smeared around every orifice and the offender dumped outside a police station holding a sign saying "I'm so ripped I can't walk."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Useful gadget
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Tue, 03 Apr 2001 19:05:07 -0700

Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>Hetta (Oh, and I tested the clockwise/counterclockwise drain thingy, while on t'other side of the equator. It's a HOAX! Drat.)

No, it's not.

It's just that the clocks run the other way down there.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: BoRHOD maintenance...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 4 Apr 2001 12:56:46 +0000

Sara M schrieb:
>These are a few of my favourite things...

Pointers to pointers and printf()-like functions!
Unary minus and nested conjunctions!
Integers, booleans, data and strings!
These are a few of my favourite things...

Screwtape,
...Don't look at me like that! That's the only version I know.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: BoRHOD maintenance...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sat, 07 Apr 2001 03:12:43 +1000

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> said:
> >TechnoAtheist wrote:
> >>Sara M wrote:
> >> >Gordol wrote:
> >> >> Sara M said:
> >> >> ; Gordol wrote:
> >> >> ; > Sara M said:
> >> >> ; > ; >These are a few of my favourite things...
> >> >> ; > ; But combining geekspeek and Julie Andrews - what have you DONE???
> >> >> ; > The local art cinema is screening a "Sound of Music sing-along".
> >> >> ; What are the co-ordinates? I think I have a squadron in the area.
> >> >> Make damn sure it's a clean surgical strike. When I said "local" I really, REALLY mean it - the theater is next door to my office. (Hmm... maybe I should leave town...)
> >> >No no - it's too late - The HILLS are alive with the Sound of Music!
> >> Run!! Run!! The Hills are attacking downtown!!
> >Don't worry - I'll save you - I'm an uptown girl, living in an uptown world...
> Hmm...I'd'a thought you'd be more living in a material world because you are a material girl. But I can't see whether you've got cone-shaped breasts from here.

Yes - *that's* what I'd have as a tattoo, if I was into pain and disfigurement - N.A.S.A written down either side of each breast...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: BoRHOD maintenance...
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 11:35:41 -0500

BJ wrote:
> On the bright side... Pittsburgh is also home to television station WQED, the first community-sponsored educational TV station in the US. WQED is, however, the home of "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood", which makes the fact it hasn't been taken out by a nuclear weapon yet quite remarkable.

Does anyone else, especially the Brits, find it disturbing that a PBS station produces a "children's" show about some guy who goes out and rogers the whole neighborhood? Can you say "depraved"?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: BoRHOD maintenance...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Mon, 09 Apr 2001 09:36:07 -0700

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>Sid wrote ...
>>Didn't see that in Kirsten's report...
>S'all right, Sid. potu was the only non-Priest rhodent that got a mention.

There's a very good reason for that. Look up Section III.XIII, Sub-section 27, paragraph 33 of POTU's Decree to Take Over the Universe, Version 2.0:

"In the instance that Ghod [1] provides valuable insight towards any sort of knowledge-base whatsoever, the person to which this veritable divination received to must at least in part be included in any documentation that may later or earlier be written, by any means necessary."

If you have not yet received your copy of POTUDTOUV2.0, fear not: several deciduous forests are being cut down at this very moment to form the first half of this estimable document.

>It's not like we're actually Oracle experts or nuthin'.

Nah. You've only been using the Oracle for, what, ten years? That's not even enough time to muddle your way through graduate school.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - and if you don't believe me, just ask JIM.

[1] potu is defined as "Ghod" for the purposes of this document in Section I, sub-section 33, paragraph 24.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: All the trouble
From: Viki <vvidt.netscape.net>
Date: Fri, 06 Apr 2001 23:39:38 -0400

Donald Welsh wrote:
> Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
> >who thinks ST is an evil, evil, evil, evil penguin indeed
> You say that like it's a bad thing.

Well, it explains why he doesn't wear pants that often. Can't find any that fit.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In/Justice at the Grammies
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Sun, 8 Apr 2001 04:51:13 GMT

Jason said:
; Well, it was pretty bad. We used to have a number of rock 'n roll stations, but due to buyouts, format changes, and bankruptcy, we are now down to one. Granted, that one *is* KSHE, but they haven't been decent since about midway through the fall of '95. (Oddly enough, that would be when they picked up the Bob and Tom show for morning drivetime) So now, being the lone survivor (because they bought their biggest competitor), they see no need to improve, although their late-night DJs will actually play more songs from the playlist than the others will. (And KSHE has a *gigantic* playlist. They've been broadcasting since Jan. 1968, and it's always been rock and roll) Otherwise it's the same songs day in and day out. I joked to a buddy of mine after the big dust up with the stations that the best music was being played in the strip clubs. Yet another reason to stuff singles in the g-strings of exotic dancers.

I'm single.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In/Justice at the Grammies
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 14:43:35 +1000

Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
> Sara M said:
> > Gordol wrote:
> > > Ah, so that's where my sanity went.
> > Uh-oh - they're on to me...
> > Next thing they're going to wanna know about DMP... 8(
> > <hide>
> Oh my god, she's skinned Dumpcarat.

I always wanted a bare skin rug...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 5 Apr 2001 21:20:23 +0000

Daniel E. Macks schrieb:
>Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> said:
>>Fierce Cookie schrieb:
>>>I've decided to submerge for a few weeks, or maybe months. Things are just a bit hectic right now, and I can't keep up with the volume.
>>Oh, whoops! I forgot the Traditional RHOD Benediction:
>> May you have splendid access to breasts for the rest of your days.
>>Screwtape,
>>...an ancient incantation, in 'net years anyway.
>*Ancient*? It was only earlier this month.

The internet is one of those places where the months are far longer than the years. Stick that in your general relativity pipe and smoke it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 05 Apr 2001 22:29:24 -0400

Comrade Cici in Texas wrote:
> "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <cgraytwo.kc.rr.com> wrote, among other things:
> >> Someone from America enlighten me please - what is AP? Astrophysics? I am impressed if they teach that is junior high.
> >Advanced Placement. They used to call it "Gifted and Talented" but they changed it, because the kids not labeled "Gifted and Talented" got their self-esteem hurt when they assumed the lack of the label meant they had no gifts or talents.
> In many (most?) places, they still do call 'em TAG (Talented and Gifted) in primary and middle school.[1] 'AP courses" are offered only in high school.

We had both in my highschool. AP was where you skipped one or more grades in a certain subject and then started taking college credits. The TAG class was where they put people like me in hopes that they could channel our creativity, or whatever.

> [1] Not that they know what to *do* with them in many (most?) places, but that's what they call them.

That was certainly true in our case. We often had nothing to do in our TAG class but turn our super-advanced minds to supervillainy.[1]

JIM

[1] I only exaggerate slightly. The TAG room was the only classroom in the school with a phone, which one of my colleagues used to phone the school office with a bomb threat. Ah, the innocence of youth.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 06 Apr 2001 18:53:13 -0400

Comrade Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> Also Sprach Screwtape:
> > The scary part is that I can so easily visualise (audialise?) the voice that quote would be spoken in.
> Were you aware that I also grep for people who say "quote" when they mean "quotation" when you said "quote" when you meant "quotation", or was this an unintentional adjuration?

Whatever works.

[lassoes JP and duct-tapes him to the sofa]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 07 Apr 2001 17:40:32 -0400

Comrade Sid wrote:
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> >Whatever works.
> >[lassoes JP and duct-tapes him to the sofa]
> Get the cameras! JIM and JP!

No, no, no, you silly Buddha. I've been subcontracted to keep Comrade Popoadoupa.. Paupeldupo... Pcak from fleeing rhod again. Now, ...

Drat. He seems to have chewed through the tape and escaped again. Sara will be very disappointed.

JIM, Bad Sid! No cookies!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 09 Apr 2001 15:59:09 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
> Sara M schrieb:
> >Jim Evans wrote:
> >> Drat. He seems to have chewed through the tape and escaped again. Sara will be very disappointed.
> >Yes - that was Viki's backing tape...
> So tell me... what *does* Viki sound like when she's backing?

Beep...beep...beep...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 08 Apr 2001 14:15:57 +1000

Henriette Kress wrote:
> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >Henriette Kress wrote:
> >> Hetta (Sara? Let's count. That gives us a total of _how_ many available males in rhod?)
> >I'm not sure how many there are exactly but I'm sure it's going to be an ODD number...
> Why, certainly.
> >I think longitudinally's the only *fair* way to divide them.
> Nono, that'd hurt'em, and we don't want that.
> I say I get the northern folks, you keep the southern ones, 'kay?
> Hetta (Now, why am I suddenly thinking of drains?)

Umm - because you're worried that the Southern ones might go down the wrong way?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au (Ian Davis)
Date: Sun, 08 Apr 2001 23:50:18 GMT

<Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
> dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
>> Haven't had any complaints yet.>>Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>> >Umm - because you're worried that the Southern ones might go down the wrong way?

>And you won't, unless you learn to speak Gerbil.

RODENT RAVING RUCKUS!
Reuters, Monday 9 April, 2001.
Inventors of the so-called "Babelfish" technology claimed a major breakthrough today with the news that Gerbil has now been added to the list of languages able to be translated.

However, red faces were apparent at today's demonstration. The subject "Sweetcheeks," belonging to a Mr D Welsh of Fitzroy St in St Kilda, was connected to the machine. Unfortunately, it appears that the only word that could be translated from the squeaking was, "Armageddon! Armageddon!"

Scientists remain baffled as to the meaning of this. Mr Welsh, an odd-looking man whose eyebrows appear to be half-singed off, was unable to clarify but is assisting RSPCA officers with their investigations. A cardboard tube of unknown function has been impounded.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 09:07:06 +0000

Sara M schrieb:
>Screwtape wrote:
>> GW De Lacey schrieb:
>> >My hovercraft, the most seaworthy 'Henriette Kress', is full of eels:
>> >>Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>> >>>I'm not sure how many there are exactly but I'm sure it's going to be an ODD number...
>> >>I say I get the northern folks, you keep the southern ones, 'kay?
>> >So what, pray tell, is wrong with us southern chappies?
>> Well, *that* was less than tactful. G.W, I suggest you run away *very fast* and avoid anything... erm... catty for a few days. I'll stay here and valiantly defend...
>Hmmmm - "catty" hey...?

And so begins a duel from which I cannot emerge unscathed.

><Eg>
>
>What's wrong with the Great Southern Male?
>Ghod - where do I even start?
>They way he wears thongs and *shorts* on dates -
>Or the way his hair's his thinnest part?

What's wrong with the Great Southern Girl?
A catalog of many parts:
Nasal voice, baggy clothes, poorly faked curls -
Or the way her eyes nervously dart?

From: Sara M egk.speedlink.com.au
Our glances seem nervous I'll grant you -
We girls like to keep a firm eye on the beer -
For the more we can pour down your gullets
The less chance we'll have to sleep with you, dear ;)

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
The drinks I consume are all Clayton's:
"Beer" for non-drinkers-of-beer.
The girls that surround me, they almost confound me,
But they're equally real, so I fear.

Screwtape,
...someone start handing out the drinks - this is supposed to be happy hour, dammit!

From: Sara M egk.speedlink.com.au
Yes but look at the types that you're meeting -
All still living with parents at home.
That's mince and not lobster you're eating.
And a cardie's still beige when it's "bone".

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
You recommend leaving my hometown -
Exploring the great blue unknown?
Spending much time with some "escorts" sublime..
..but who'll stay home and answer the phone?

From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
You *do* realise that they're going to kill us when they get up and see the mess we've made tonight don't you?
Here... ;) <tosses feather-filled pillow>

I'll go get the flour...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 21:11:41 +0000

Jason Willoughby schrieb:
>Screwtape wrote:
>>Sara M schrieb:
>>>Screwtape wrote:
>>>> Sara M schrieb:
>>>> >Screwtape wrote:
>>>> >> Sara M schrieb:
>>>> >> >Screwtape wrote:
>>>> >> >> Sara M schrieb:

>Moooom, they're doing it again!

Hey, not so loud, kid... look, here's a quarter, go to the movies or something, OK?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 09 Apr 2001 21:20:13 +1000

GW De Lacey wrote:
> 'Sara M' wrote:
> >Screwtape wrote:
> >> Well, *that* was less than tactful. G.W, I suggest you run away *very fast* and avoid anything... erm... catty for a few days. I'll stay here and valiantly defend...
> Heh...
> You are a true friend, a real mate,
> However, I prefer to stand and meet my fate.
> >Hmmmm - "catty" hey...?
> ><Eg>
> >What's wrong with the Great Southern Male?
> >Ghod - where do I even start?
> >They way he wears thongs and *shorts* on dates -
> >Or the way his hair's his thinnest part?
>
> Fashion's dictates we may scorn
> The way I see it is this...
> Our many faults from view are torn
> By the fervour of our kiss.

Then kiss me soft and kiss me oft -
Make me yours throughout the night
Take me to your rumpled bed -
But first I'll *just* turn off the light...

From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Ah yes, twill always be that way
Your wish, my command will be
So on my rumpled bed we'll lay
Right aft I've drunk this tea.

From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Ahh - but aft, it is a boating term -
(Note my head's not bowed though your words are stern?)
And boating terms lead to Pirate Talk -
Such as "This is MY gangplank - now *walk*, George - WALK!"

From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
My one true love, a boating term?
Aft? It cannot be...
Tis one of love, I think, e'en Robby Burns
Sings of love aft gang aglee.

Well, that's as memory says, though even I
Would praps be wont to note
That The Auld Bard, of loves sweet sigh
Thought not. Twas of mice and men he wrote.

Though bards of old oft cryp'd their rhymes
With terms that stay unclear
I say in words not of those times
I love you, Sara dear.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com>
Date: Sun, 08 Apr 2001 11:24:18 -0500

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>Get your mind outta the gutter, mate. : )

Why? Am I blocking your light?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lurking...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 03:27:26 +0000

Henriette Kress schrieb:
>Hetta (Sara? Let's count. That gives us a total of _how_ many available males in rhod?)

For those males of an unduly optimistic outlook, compare and contrast "available" and "suitable".

Screwtape,
...aiming for Official RHOD Wet Blanket.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: To kilts
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 06 Apr 2001 02:07:02 +1000

Oh tartan cloth, waving in the breeze -
Oh checkered garment, skirting brawny knees.
Oh unseen underthings, full of mysteries -
Oh let me take one little peep - oh please oh please oh *please*.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To kilts
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 06 Apr 2001 15:09:12 +1000

Henriette Kress wrote:
> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >Oh tartan cloth, waving in the breeze -
> Your wish...

<snip *excellent* reference material>

> Cheers
> Hetta (While google is excellent at text searches, altavista's image search is practically unbeatable.)

Oh dear - now I've got Hetta looking up kilts too...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To kilts
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 06 Apr 2001 15:14:39 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
> Henriette Kress schrieb:
> >And, as sugar on the bottom:
> That is *not* a sentence that should appear in a thread about looking up kilts.
> Screwtape,
> ...*bad* visual.

I bet you wouldn't say that if we were talking about *girl* bottoms.

Or mandrills.

Now *they* have fancy bottoms.

Scottish mandrills...mmmmmmmmmmmm....

*Cheerleader* mandrills - Scottish *teenager* cheerleader mandrills...

Scottish teenager cheerleader mandrills doing the CAN-CAN!

Yes - ON a bar-top - in a seedy gentlemen's bar in downtown Mexico - desperately trying to earn just enough money to get back home...

When suddenly! - the saloon-doors swing open and there, in all his black-garbed glory stands SCREWTAPE!, his pockets bulging with fat rolls of cash...

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
I'd love to join your cheery sexually-charged fantasies, my dear, but I'm all booked up for the weekend - I might be able to squeeze in a Dark Ritual or an Adventurous Rescue, but sexual simians are out, I'm afraid.

Screwtape,
...it's been an odd day.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To kilts
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 06 Apr 2001 19:06:56 -0400

Comrade Screwtape wrote:
> ...it's been an odd day.

Ha ha! On this side of the date line, it's been even!

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: If you're squeamish...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Fri, 06 Apr 2001 08:21:58 -0700

Jason Willoughby wrote:
>In the meantime, I live in a swamp, albeit freshwater, and am quite happy here.

A-HA! I knew we had a Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish posting here, I just wasn't sure which one of us was it.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - who would have bet good money on JIM.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: an explained URL
From: TechnoAtheist <TA.SpamIsBad.delphicresearch.com>
Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2001 21:56:44 -0700

Viki <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
>Sid wrote:
>> TechnoAtheist <TA.spamisbad.delphicresearch.com> wrote:
>> >No one, I repeat, NO ONE in the stands noticed it.
>> Do they have cheerleaders in Baseball? Maybe that's why. The fans were all looking at the chicks.
>
>DEAR GUSSIE!
>Sid, you are a Blasphemer of the highest order!
>NO, there are NO cheerleaders in Baseball. Many [if not all] clubs have mascots, which are people in these really ridiculous costumes ala the San Diego Chicken who run around between innings and dance on top of the dugouts and shoot hotdogs and/or t-shirts out of those bazooka thingies into the crowd, but it would be a major travesty, IMO, if MBL went with cheerleaders.
>Viki,
>proud that her Steelers don't have those wiggly cheerleaders, either. SHEESH.

Ready? GO!!

We can run!
We can hit!
We can grab our crotch, turn and spit!

We've got spirit!
We've got knacks!
We've got multimillion dollar contracts!

Better get ready!
'Cuz we're here!
Just like the hotdogs that've boiled for a year!

Woohooooo!! Yipee!! Yay!!!
Yay!! Woohoooo!!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Six Degrees of *B*R*E*A*S*T*S* !!!
From: pieceoftheuniverse <potu.pieceoftheuniverse.com>
Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 08:41:17 -0700

Sara M wrote:
>(Yes - I *suspected* that would get your interest...)
>Anyway - you know that game which I *think* was called something like "Six Degrees of John Malkovich"? <sp?> ??

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, actually. Back when ol' Kev used to go Hari Kari on his acting career (eighties to nineties, I think). He's toned down a bit recently, so it's not as much fun as it used to be (I used to be able to get to Bacon in under four with almost any actor, now I'm back up to six). You can use it for just about anyone, though.

>I was thinking today that if you've got a *lot* of time on your hands you can play the same game with "Breasts", eg:........

Barring the example you've given below, that would be astonishingly easy. Pieceoftheuniverse -> knows Sara M -> Sara M has breasts. True, for Old-Time Geeks it would be little more difficult, and you'd have to draw the line between the penultimate difference of "man-breasts" and "female breasts" for pure asthetic reasons, but it's hardly an involved party game...

>Petrol Station to Breasts - petrol station-petrol tanker-milk tanker-dairy cows; udders; BREASTS

That's a bit of a leap, going from udders to breasts. Yes, they serve the same function, but they're on completely different parts of the body (not to mention a wholly separate species). I would much prefer:

Petrol Station to Breasts: petrol station -> automobiles -> automobile advertisements -> breasts.

>So, how do you get from Onions to Breasts?

A truly marvelous pair of either will make a grown man cry?

Oh, alright, let's see now:

Onions to Breasts: onions -> vegetable -> vegetable fat -> cocoa butter -> chocolate -> breasts.

Anyone who disputes the leap from chocolate to breasts needs to stay inside more.

>Oh - and Kayaks to Breasts would be helpful too thanks...

Helpful? Here I thought we were just wasting time.

Kayaks to Breasts: kayak -> boat -> yacht -> rich people -> Sandra Bullock -> breasts.

Okay, so that wasn't quite fair. I'll try again.

Kayaks to Breasts: kayak -> boat -> water -> retaining water -> women -> breasts.

That's just cruel. Hold on a minute, I'll see what I can do:

Kayaks to Breasts: kayak -> water -> bottled water -> purchased in a grocery store -> onions -> breasts

Ah, you've got to love derivation.



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