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2003 04 B.

Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 2003 21:45:53 +0100

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes
> Kevin S. Wilson <rescyou.spro.net> wrote:
>> TimC wrote:
>> >And how long have we been connected to ARK for?
>> Here in ARK we don't end our sentences with coordinating conjunctions. You should've written
>> "And for how long have we been connected to ARK, trout-lips?"
>What if the person you're addressing does not have trout lips? Should a different type of fish be substituted for "trout"? Or should I compare some other part of their anatomy to a trout? I see I have much to learn about ARK.

Shall I compare thee to a pilchard's knee?
Thou art more shapely and more delicate:
Cold brine doth chafe each fish extremity,
And Vaseline is oft applied too late:
Sometime a salmon's nose I think thou art,
And often, when I've had a jar or three,
And alcoholic fumes so move my heart,
Thou seem'st the armpit of an anchovy;
No, thou art neither haddock's head nor heel,
Nor toe of turbot, though that would be cool,
Nor adenoid of scrod, nor spleen of eel,
Though here the close resemblance most would fool;
So long as fish can breathe, or clams can fly,
Thou'lt be a flounder's buttock to my eye.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*-Who're you calling a sonnety upstart?--


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 09:58:35 +1000

Richard Wilson wrote:
> So long as fish can breathe, or clams can fly,
> Thou'lt be a flounder's buttock to my eye.

Way to make me shell out the membership fee for the Richard Wilson fanclub, Richard.

Screwtape,
...can I buy a "I Love Richard Wilson" lapel pin, too?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 23:45:22 GMT

Also Sprach Kegs:
> Ian Davis:
> > Screwtape:
> > > ...can I buy a "I Love Richard Wilson" lapel pin, too?
> > A bad move in Oz, as it will be confused with the Ever-To-Be-Damned Richard Wilson, "Chairman of allBanx."
> Its nearly as bad in the UK, where it'll be confused for the actor who played the miserable sodbucket in 'One Foot in the Grave'

In that case perhaps we should create a line of

I Love Richard Wilson.
No, Not That One, The Other One.
No, Not That One Either.
The One With The Educational Dildo.

badges.

That presupposes, of course, that neither of the other two is in possession of an educational dildo. Why has no-one yet registered richardwilsonandhisamazingeducationaldildo.com so at least we'd have somewhere to collate and check the evidence? This so-called "Internet" is a bag o' shite.


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: talysman <talysman.globalsurrealism.com>
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 00:21:32 GMT

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> writes:
> Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> > So long as fish can breathe, or clams can fly,
> > Thou'lt be a flounder's buttock to my eye.
> Read, ye poker-cascaders, and weep, for you are scrod.

yes, but only in the past tense.

all this talk about fish-buttocks makes me wonder *exactly* what "tuna helper" is all about. also, why does that guy have a nose on the palm of his hand? doesn't he have any self control?

this reminds me very little of the time when the charlie's angels had to fight this one guy who had built his own RC flying saucer that looked a bit like the flying saucer from "the invaders" (which I bought as a kit once, back when I had delusions of manual dexterity.) this one nerdy guy who was potentially bill gates was being bilked by the hoversaucer guy, so one of the dark-haired angels painted an illuminati symbol on her hand and told him she was from venus.

bill gates did *not* respond that he was from mars.

to my recollection, the angels then beat the crap out of the guy who built the flying saucer. for people who were just private eyes, they sure seemed to beat the hell out of a lot of people.

what were we talking about?

oh yeah. POKER-CASCADER? I HARDLY *KNEW* HER!


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: Kevin S. Wilson <rescyou.spro.net>
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 10:33:37 -0600

talysman <talysman.globalsurrealism.com> wrote:
>all this talk about fish-buttocks makes me wonder *exactly* what "tuna helper" is all about.

I dunno. But if you insist on continuing this talk of fish buttocks, then I have no choice but to inform you that just the other day I had crab cakes and halibut CHEEKS for dinner.

Mmm . . . cheeky.


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 09:48:54 +0100

CB <nospam.mymailbox.please> writes
>One query, though: "thou'lt"?

Contraction of "thou shalt". Be thankful it was only Shakespeare and Elizabethan English, as opposed to, say, Rabbie Burns and the barbaric Scots dialect, where you would have had to decipher the declensions of verbs like "to gang".

Past tense: ging
Present tense: gang
Future tense: goolie goolie goolie goolie wotcher

EXERCISE:
Construct a sentence using the words "haggis", "sporran" and "goolie goolie goolie goolie wotcher" without resorting to cheap innuendo.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---*-*--I think I've failed already-*---


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: talysman <talysman.globalsurrealism.com>
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2003 01:15:04 GMT

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> writes:
> CB <nospam.mymailbox.please> writes
> >One query, though: "thou'lt"?
> Contraction of "thou shalt". Be thankful it was only Shakespeare and Elizabethan English, as opposed to, say, Rabbie Burns and the barbaric Scots dialect, where you would have had to decipher the declensions of verbs like "to gang".

Ovey, schlak mishugginah beastie!
oy, vat a panic's in thy bristie!
thou need nit start away sie hasty,
mitt kakameyme brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,
mitt murd'rous pattle!

but, mousie, thou art no thy lane,
in proving foresight may be vain;
the best-laid mitvahs o' mice an' mensch
chap a gang a-gley.


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loot
From: madge <deletethisbit.itsreallyhere.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 22:15:37 +0100

Rich Holmes wrote:
> stacia.world.std.com (Stacia) writes:
> > I've always thought we in ARK - heck, in all of Usenetland - needed a Richard S Wilson to complete the Kevin's Wilson meme. I suppose Richard S Nixon would work. Dicks Nixon? Yeah, I like the sound of that.
> Settle for a Richard S Holmes?

But that would need a Kevin "S" Watson. Alimentary really.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oooo, Miyazaki!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2003 02:12:54 +0000 (UTC)

One_Pierced_One <One_Pierced_One.cheapcunt.net> said:
> "Donald Welsh" <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
>> Chris Wesling <wesling.sbcglobal.nospam.invalid> wrote:
>> >Donald Welsh wrote:
>> >> You do know where Swift got the name Laputa?
>> >Hmm... no, actually. Do tell.
>> "La puta". Spanish for "the whore".
> Swift was EXTREMELY mysogonistic. Leading some critics to observe that he's probably hiding latent homosexual fantasies. But my professor told me they weren't so latent.

So when your prof said he knew Swift "inside and out"...?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if "Swift" was also his nickname


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: When Good Friday Comes
From: sc.pffcu.com
Date: 18 Apr 2003 14:28:43 GMT

Please remember that the Easter Bunny laid huge chocolate eggs for your sins. He's gonna need surgery for that.

Good lord 'n' butter. I had an idea for a remake of "Freaky Friday" but it'd never get better than an NC-17 rating so maybe I need to reconsider. Everyone takes today off, I have no idea why, it's got to be the most depressing vacation day one could have. I'm not going to eat lunch until someone guarantees me that it is pure capybara with no fillers or additives.

May I go home now?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: When Good Friday Comes
From: sc.pffcu.com
Date: 23 Apr 2003 18:24:38 GMT

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> sc.pffcu.com wrote:
>> Please remember that the Easter Bunny laid huge chocolate eggs for your sins. He's gonna need surgery for that.
> It's all because people can't decide whose holiday it really is. They tried to wipe out Ostara, but we've still got her rabbit around, and the easter egg hunt and such.

Lotta frickin' good the rabbit is doing her. Yo, Osti! Watch me bite the head off! Frankly, if she isn't going to bring on a plague of Lapine Spongiform Encephablowingupinapinkmistitis I just ain't buying her rap.

>> Good lord 'n' butter. I had an idea for a remake of "Freaky Friday" but it'd never get better than an NC-17 rating so maybe I need to reconsider.
>> May I go home now?
> Not until you give us a summary of your planned "Freaky Friday" remake.

Aw hell, think "Henry and June" meets "Herbie the Love Bug" with a dash of "Liquid Sky" thrown in. I'm thinking of Julia Roberts for the lead, but only if she'll agree to snuff.

I can't tell you more, the studios are monitoring this channel. Keep an eye on "Latvian Film News" in August.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: When Good Friday Comes
From: ossipewsk.hotmail.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
Date: 21 Apr 2003 22:27:53 -0700

"Lord Insidious, World Dominator" <calieber.bigfoot.com> wrote:
> sc.pffcu.com wrote:
> > Everyone takes today off, I have no idea why, it's got to be the most depressing vacation day one could have.
> Got an e-mail from my boss last week (to all employees, actually). Said "Office is closed on Good Friday. Enjoy!"

Let me guess: you were at work when you got it - on Good Friday? Right?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Owie
From: "Henriette Kress" <spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net>
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2003 19:17:20 +0300

I had a nice chat with a close friend today. She told me that what with the continuous snowcover this winter (which was unseasonally early: the first snow came at the beginning of October, and hasn't melted 'til now), and what with them living out in the woods far away from everything and everybody, and what with her working outdoors for a couple hours each day, she's been able to train for, like, MONTHS.

And she almost almost managed, but now all the snow is gone because it's spring.

She said, that if only her name started with an "O", she would now be able to write her name in the snow.

I almost fell off my chair, I was laughing so hard.

But it's all so _unfair_. I wanta live out in the woods, too, so I can train, too!

Ta ta
Hetta (Dontcha wish you had cool friends like that, too?)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Owie
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2003 17:32:23 +0100

Henriette Kress <spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net> writes
>Hetta (Dontcha wish you had cool friends like that, too?)

Oh yeah, that's all I need: after the cats have finished crapping in the herbaceous borders, my friends coming around to piss in the vegetable patch. Thankfully, they're a bunch of the most uncool people ever to walk ghod's earth.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*--Though I suppose I'd never have to buy fertilizer again--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: April 20th
From: "One_Pierced_One" <One_Pierced_One.cheapcunt.net>
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2003 02:19:36 GMT

I'm sure you're all aware, and there is no reason at all to remind you, but April 20th is my birthday, I'll be 38.

Please send gifts to me care of the Texas Prison System, Prisoner #01951362


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: April 20th
From: Chris Wesling <wesling.sbcglobal.nospam.invalid>
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2003 00:39:08 -0700

One_Pierced_One wrote:
> I'm sure you're all aware, and there is no reason at all to remind you, but April 20th is my birthday, I'll be 38.

Allow me to be the first to wish you a happy birthday, in which you get everything you so richly deserve!

> Please send gifts to me care of the Texas Prison System, Prisoner #01951362

One of those things being a cake with a file in it, I see...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: April 20th
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2003 18:05:20 +1000

Chris Wesling wrote:
>One_Pierced_One wrote:
>> I'm sure you're all aware, and there is no reason at all to remind you, but April 20th is my birthday, I'll be 38.
>Allow me to be the first to wish you a happy birthday, in which you get everything you so richly deserve!

Now *that's*, uh, open to interpretation.

I like it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: I HATE YOU ALL!
From: "One_Pierced_One" <One_Pierced_One.cheapcunt.net>
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 2003 05:13:12 GMT

I didn't get a single birthday present <waaaaa>-


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I HATE YOU ALL!
From: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4.osu.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003 14:33:29 GMT

"One_Pierced_One" <One_Pierced_One.cheapcunt.net> wrote:
> I didn't get a single birthday present <waaaaa>-

On the contrary!!!! I sent you the exact same thing as last year, only a different color, and slightly larger (sorry, hon, but sometimes the truth is best)

Mark
A random Priest
Only here to help


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: April 20th
From: steven <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.net>
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 2003 21:42:15 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick fitzmor.webone.NO.SPAM.com.au :
> Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think he needs to spend less time learning dating techniques from TV
> Ya gotta start somewhere, Shirley?

I dunno; there's better places to begin that sort of education. Otherwise one might end up expecting a series of innocent misunderstandings (filled, no doubt, with obscure but somehow meaningful sexual innuendo) that lead to a classic romance ... at which point the cycle starts all over again.

Oh, and the laugh track. One can never forget the laugh track.

Er, we *were* talking about learning from sitcoms, right? 'Cause if it's _Blind Date_ instead, then there's the annoying cartoon dialogue boxes and inane host chatter to contend with.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dial "O"
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003 10:33:53 -0600

"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> http://www.vibelet.com/ (a phone as a vibrator)
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies know how to operate 'er

"If you need me, just call. You know how to dial, don't you? You just put your finger in the hole and make tiny little circles."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Proud to be a Texan?
From: ossipewsk.hotmail.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
Date: 29 Apr 2003 22:44:06 -0700

Chris Wesling wrote ...
> Henriette Kress wrote:
> > Anyway, I can't imagine SanFran water being all that cold. Do you even get ice on your bay, in what you choose to call winter?
> No, it doesn't freeze, it's just always cold year-round. This side of the U.S. doesn't get the Gulf stream to warm things up, so people who come from the East Coast always complain about how cold the water is at our beaches, even in Southern Cal.
> It's probably not very cold compared to Finland, admittedly, but it's cold enough to induce hypothermia pretty quickly.

A tour guide in SF *mumble* years ago said that the southbound current past SF and most of California (the Humboldt?) came from the far North Pacific (think Aleutians, think Bering Strait) and rarely got above 38F.

That's as near to ice water as makes bugger-all difference as far as us delicate mammals are concerned, when it comes to swimming.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti had to tie a ribbon on it to find it again.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Birthday Hell
From: sc.pffcu.com
Date: 30 Apr 2003 13:18:10 GMT

May 7th starts it. Mother-in-law. Then Monty, on the same day. Warren 5 days later and Liz two days after that. Sam, Betsy and Chris three days in a row, then Linda, Tony, Wills and the WD all in the span of another week.

Then, when I'm financially and emotionally exhausted, near a diabetic coma from all the cake and with a permanent ridge in my chin from the party hats, what then? The anniversary.

2003. Shit. I'm still in 2003.



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