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2003 03 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Some things are never true
From: sc.pffcu.com
Date: 17 Mar 2003 15:00:03 GMT

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
> sc.pffcu.com wrote:
>> "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, Or what's a heaven for?" I was in the primate house in the Philadelphia Zoo recently and I was thinking how good it was that this does not apply to orang-u-tans.
> So, orangutans don't go to heaven?
> Where do they go?

The ones I saw went to the far corner of the enclosure to pick through the straw. I should emphasize that this was a limited sample, however.

The ring-tailed lemurs were AWOL so I spent more time with the gibbons and gorillas. But I've been ruined, seeing an orang outside of a library just does not seem natural any more.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2003 09:56:57 +1100

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>OK, so it's Saint Patty's day. Several of us are headed over to the local watering hole where we usually enjoy a good draught or a nice Single-malt Scotch. Being March 17th and all, we figure we'll try something Irish and distilled.
>Any glassware recommendations for an Irish Whiskey? Is a snifter appropriate, or what?
>I would normally write a disclaimer about this being wildly off-topic for the group, but, well, you know.
>Dave "don't know my glass from a hole in the ground" Hinz

I don't know the "proper" drinking vessel, but all of the Irish folk that I know would drink their alcohol out of anything handy, including a bucket.
Always provided there's not a hole in it - you don't want to waste anything, do you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 12:43:54 +1100

steven wrote:
>Misty Devine wrote:
>> We Canadians take our drinking seriously!!
>But you no doubt fall short when compared to Strines.

I protest at this blatant stereotyping. Aussies are industrious hardworking SOBER folk. Anything you hear to the contrary is part of the great plot that's designed to subvert our objective of World Domination^WRescue. Believe me when I say that cupboard demolishers and rumour mongers will be first against the wall^WWWWchastised^Wshown the error of their ways when we take control^WWwe are called upon to rescue the world from the evil drink.

--
My name is
GW De Lacey
and I'm an...
Oops


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 19 Mar 2003 05:14:47 GMT

GW De Lacey wrote:
> -- My name is GW De Lacey and I'm an... Oops

In a strange quirk of quantum physics, the words spoken by GW's mother[2] at the time of delivery find themselves posted to Usenet in 2003.

-- Al, or was that at the time of _conception_? I can't keep straight which is which.

[1] Grace Williamina


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: Chris Wesling <wesling.cannedmeat.sbcglobal.net>
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2003 23:42:51 -0800

"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> said:
> > GW De Lacey wrote:
> >> -- My name is GW De Lacey and I'm an... Oops
> > In a strange quirk of quantum physics, the words spoken by GW's mother[2] at the time of delivery find themselves posted to Usenet in 2003.
> > -- Al, or was that at the time of _conception_? I can't keep straight which is which.
> > [1] Grace Williamina
> Wow, Al. You thought you completely solved the discontinuity in the space-time continuum but you merely transferred it to the footnote reference domain.

So... Eddies in the space-time continuum... and this is his footnote?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 10:08:48 -0700

Mike Fleming <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk> wrote:
> Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> writes:
> > Mike Fleming <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk> wrote:
> > > davehinz.spamcop.net writes:
> > > > davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> > > > > Any glassware recommendations for an Irish Whiskey? Is a snifter appropriate, or what?
> > > > I must applaud the group. 22 responses so far, and not one of them has addressed the actual question. To everyone - your restraint is remarkable, and [sniff!] I'm proud of each and every one of you.
> > > Ah. Did you want an actual informed opinion from someone Irish then? If so, then I can only refer to my observations of my mother, who drinks her Jamesons from one of a variety of glass tumblers, all of which are, I suppose, around 4" tall and 4" diameter, perhaps a bit less.
> > Let's see... that works out to a bit over 50 cubic inches, which in turn works out to a bit over 800ml. How many of these does she put away in a single evening? And how big is a bottle of Jamesons, anyway?
> Misestimation, they're about 3" x 3" (having just measured a similar one). They don't have to be full, and both whisky and whiskey can be diluted or adulterated.

They DON'T HAVE TO BE FULL? My god, why have a glass that big if you're not going to use it? That's like people who buy a 20-frickin'-ton sport utility vehicle and then drive around with all those 8000 cubic meters nearly empty.

And as for dilution and adulteration, these are simply crimes, at least when the liquor's decent.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 13:01:16 +1100

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
>> Any glassware recommendations for an Irish Whiskey? Is a snifter appropriate, or what?
>I must applaud the group. 22 responses so far, and not one of them has addressed the actual question. To everyone - your restraint is remarkable, and [sniff!] I'm proud of each and every one of you.

I thought the steering toward plastic buckets was useful:

+ Large: more time between refills, leaving more time for drinking,
+ Cheap: more money left over for drinking.

I'm sure my Irish friends agree with both of those sentiments.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: "Jeremy Williams" <you.looking.me.la>
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 15:31:11 +0100

"steven" <spam.pieceoftheuniverse.com> wrote:
> Jeremy Williams you.looking.me.la :
> > <davehinz.spamcop.net> wrote:
> >> Any glassware reccomendations for an Irish Whiskey? Is a snifter appropriate, or what?
> > When you can see two glasses, the correct protocol is to aim for the one on the right.
> Only if you're right-handed (in which case, to add more detail, you should place your hand far to the right and move your hand left as carefully as you can -- that is to say, not at all). Obviously, if you're left-handed and you aim for the one on your right, you could end up spilling your drink.

And just which left hand, do you think, I should attempt this with?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: "Rev. DeepFriedTurkey" <rev_deepfriedturkey.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 07:11:06 GMT

Jeremy Williams wrote:
> When you can see two glasses, the correct protocol is to aim for the one on the right.

Or if you are too drunk, put the left hand to the left of both glasses, the right hand to the right of the rightmost glass. Then bring both hand slowly together until you have the glass in both hands. The problem starts if there are really two glasses in front of you. The punishment recommended by Misty Devine would be appropriate!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 10:25:36 -0700

Chris Wesling <wesling.cannedmeat.sbcglobal.net> wrote:
> > dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are, milligram for milligram, the most zero-sum creatures in the universe
> What, exactly, does that mean? How is something more or less "zero-sum" than something else?

Some things sum to a larger value of zero than others.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 17:50:48 +0000 (UTC)

Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> said:
> GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com> wrote:
>> I guess I emphasise with those sentiments. It's well known that the human race lost it's innocence with the invention of the steam engine.
> It did? Do tell. I've heard all about steam being used for factories and train engines, but steam-powered sex toys are a new one on me. Weren't they too big to fit in the bedroom? What about the piles of coal?

'At's a pretty bad case of hemorrhoids ya got there, Tom.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies know why they have a burning feeling


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2003 10:27:49 +1100

I wrote:
>I guess I emphasise

That's IT!
Today I fire the spell checker.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: "Lane Gray, Czasr Castic" <cgray2.kc.rr.com>
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 2003 23:28:16 -0600

"TimC" wrote:
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> > God Rudy wrote ...
> >> "Toy" steam engines the size of a shoe box where available about 30 years ago.
> > My brothers had one at least forty years ago and it wasn't new when they got it. It fit in a box about the size of a 2-litre icecream bucket. It burned these tiny briquettes that looked like what I now know as fire-lighters.
> I saw a neat little one 2 years ago. Someone just brought one along to the astronomy club. Who knows why. But I do like the smell that comes off those. Next you know, I will be sniffing petrol (This is where the American tradition of calling petrol "gas" is really silly, because then I would be saying I was sniffing gas : )

Haven't they been selling Beano in .au yet?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 14:58:04 -0700

davehinz.spamcop.net wrote:
> Dave "Peat and repeat were in a bout. Peat fell out. Who was left?" Hinz

Whichever one was standing on the left while Peat got his jock strap back into place.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2003 10:24:15 +1100

sc.pffcu.com wrote:
> Why is it that a bunch of hairy skirt-wearing celts are admired for getting their potables dirty?

Yer! Personally I prefer them mashed, roasted, fried, whatever, it's vegetable ambrosia. Except not salad. I hate potable salad.

BTW, shouldn't it be "potabl?"

> Some of us prefer our liquor not to taste like the back end of a bog.

Damn this dysxelia. Now the RSPCA is after me again.

Note to self: use a straw next time.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Urgent: Irish whiskey - which glass?
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2003 06:46:16 +0000 (UTC)

Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.hotmail.com> said:
> Ian Davis wrote ...
>> Note to self: use a straw next time.
> Earlier, when the thread mentioned buckets and holes, I nearly broke into a filk of the famous Henry and Liza earworm, but I fought it off.

DAMN YOU RF!

> Now you've mentioned straws, I'm battling it again.

That's good, but...
With what are you battling it, dear Richard, dear Richard?

AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Make it stop!!!!!

*whomp*whomp*whomp*

> TYVFM, YFF.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies hate you all


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: 'Twas Ever Thus - Bastards, Bastards, Bastards
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 17:21:28 +0000

"In keeping with recent sporting events, the Australians beat the English to first place in the team competition."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2853091.stm

Is there no field of sporting endeavour, however exalted, in which the convicts won't set out to humiliate us? Our last vestiges of national pride now hang on the world stuffing-ferrets-down-trousers championships.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----And we didn't even reach the super six stage in Calvinball--


From: Mike Fleming <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk>
> Is there no field of sporting endeavour, however exalted, in which the convicts won't set out to humiliate us? Our last vestiges of national pride now hang on the world stuffing-ferrets-down-trousers championships.

I believe we still lead the world in tiddlywinks - the world championship was only a couple of months ago.


From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
> I believe we still lead the world in tiddlywinks - the world championship was only a couple of months ago.

This is quite possibly true. Australians tend to concentrate on the tiddly, the winking naturally follows, and the game goes out the window.


From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
>and the game goes out the window.

That would be extreme tiddlywinks, I take it.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*---Still nursing a groin injury sustained-*--
--*-----*--*----*----*--in an extreme magnetic fishing tournament--


From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
> --*----*---*---*-----*---Still nursing a groin injury sustained-*--
> --*-----*--*----*----*--in an extreme magnetic fishing tournament--

Your groin or someone else's?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 'Twas Ever Thus - Bastards, Bastards, Bastards
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2003 17:04:19 +0000

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> writes
>Your groin or someone else's?

I don't know if I mentioned this before (translation: I can't be arsed to check on Google Gropes), but in January I did something at work I've never done before, viz: signed off a purchase order for a penis. A Health Edco Deluxe Condom Demonstration Model, to be precise, but a penis to you and me.

Two months on and the bugger still hadn't come^Warrived, so I phoned up the suppliers to complain, and they faxed through a copy of the proof of delivery note, signed by someone in reception. They, it turned out, had palmed it off on^W^W^W^Wgiven it to Public Health, not knowing who it belonged to. The women in Public Health had been sitting on it^W^W^Whanging on to it^W^W^W^Wmounted it^W^W (Jeez, you've got to pick your words so carefully in this context!) placed it on a desk in their office and had been gazing at it with a mixture of rapt awe and mild revulsion ever since. When I went to extricate my penis from their grasp^W^W (Oh, what the hell...) they claimed it was theirs all along, but I had the documentary proof and thus carried the day (you could say I pulled it off).

This dick is now safely under lock and key in my office. You never know when I might need something for scaring the cleaners.

Okay, so that wasn't exactly about groins per se, but when you get to my age your mind tends to wander.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-feeling a "Magic prick, my arse!" joke coming on--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*---*-*--(or not, as the case may be)-*--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 'Twas Ever Thus - Bastards, Bastards, Bastards
From: davehinz.spamcop.net
Date: 22 Mar 2003 15:08:56 GMT

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> I don't know if I mentioned this before (translation: I can't be arsed to check on Google Gropes), but in January I did something at work I've never done before, viz: signed off a purchase order for a penis. A Health Edco Deluxe Condom Demonstration Model, to be precise, but a penis to you and me.

Do you not have adult toy stores in your area, where you could have come across one more quickly, and for less money? Is this particular model any more or less realistic than the retail-grade variety?

Dave "It's research, for my work. Really." Hinz


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 'Twas Ever Thus - Bastards, Bastards, Bastards
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 17:06:31 +0000

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> writes
> Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>> This dick is now safely under lock and key in my office.
>On the plus side, you'll never need to hire a private detective ever again.

<voice="ominous baritone announcer">
"Death by Bobbit! Another baffling case from the files of... Dirk Wobbly, priapic eye!"
</voice>

Not one you need to keep checking United Heroes for in eager anticipation of its appearance, methinks.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*----It was Colonel Mustard, in the billiards room--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*---with the one-eyed trouser snake--*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 'Twas Ever Thus - Bastards, Bastards, Bastards
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2003 21:10:02 -0700

Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> I don't know if I mentioned this before (translation: I can't be arsed to check on Google Gropes), but in January I did something at work I've never done before, viz: signed off a purchase order for a penis. A Health Edco Deluxe Condom Demonstration Model, to be precise, but a penis to you and me.
> Two months on and the bugger still hadn't come^Warrived,

What with all your careful wording in this post, I'm surprised "bugger" made it in^W^W^Wwas not changed.

[and if anyone makes the "'er" joke, they get to be the donor for Richard's next demo model, with a hedge trimmer.]

> so I phoned up the suppliers to complain, and they faxed through a copy of the proof of delivery note, signed by someone in reception. They, it turned out, had palmed it off on^W^W^W^Wgiven it to Public Health, not knowing who it belonged to. The women in Public Health had been sitting on it^W^W^Whanging on to it^W^W^W^Wmounted it^W^W (Jeez, you've got to pick your words so carefully in this context!) placed it on a desk in their office and had been gazing at it with a mixture of rapt awe and mild revulsion ever since. When I went to extricate my penis from their grasp^W^W (Oh, what the hell...) they claimed it was theirs all along,

This must be a definition of "women" that I had not previously been aware of.

> but I had the documentary proof and thus carried the day (you could say I pulled it off).

"While walking back to my office, with the penis safely stowed, someone joked, 'Is that a salami in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?'. I whipped out my twelve inches of Health Edco Deluxe and waved them in his face."

> This dick is now safely under lock and key in my office. You never know when I might need something for scaring the cleaners.

Most people would use a fake spider or something.

> Okay, so that wasn't exactly about groins per se, but when you get to my age your mind tends to wander.
>
> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
> --*----*---*---*-feeling a "Magic prick, my arse!" joke coming on--
> --*-----*--*----*----*----*---*-*--(or not, as the case may be)-*--

All I could think of was Inspector Grim immortal lines from "The Thin Blue Line". Grim's trying to explain to his colleagues that, should they make any mistakes, Grim will be blamed.

So:
"Just remember Raymond, my arse is on the line and I don't want a cock up."

And:
"'cause you know what'll happen Raymond, don't you -- it'll be your cock up - my arse!"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 'Twas Ever Thus - Bastards, Bastards, Bastards
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2003 06:16:09 +0000 (UTC)

Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.hotmail.com> said:
> Ian Davis ...
>> You have obviously never visited Victoria's Brighton Sea Baths in summer. Poly Waffles galore...
><mode=ObligingStraightMan>
> "Oo, watch out, Ian! Those are NOT Polly Waffles!"
></mode>

Well sure they are. In fact, I just saw a restaurant advertising an all-you-can-eat Polly-Waffle in a flaky crust. And the waitress? She'll be bringin' polly-waffle strudel all the day.

BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA*KERTHUMP*

dan, whose bright red Siamwese fighting fishies think y'all're lucky you only have to put up with him a few minutes a day


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 'Twas Ever Thus - Bastards, Bastards, Bastards
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Fri, 21 Mar 2003 06:02:11 +0000 (UTC)

Ian Davis <not.all.certain> said:
> To be fair, we had an hidden advantage in terms of prior experience. You have obviously never visited Victoria's Brighton Sea Baths in summer.

Not too many people know about that place...it's Victoria's secret.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if the secret is that "she's" a guy


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 'Twas Ever Thus - Bastards, Bastards, Bastards
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 14:22:41 +1100

"One_Pierced_One" <1_pierced_1.cheapcunt.net> wrote:
> Did I ever mention that one of my hobbies is to go to Victoria's Secret and ask if the have things in children's sizes?

In a deeply warped and multiply-punctured way, this is bloody funny.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: GW De Lacey <georgew.dnet.aunz.com>
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 16:26:01 +1100

carla wrote:
>Misty Devine <mdevine3.uwo.ca> wrote
>> "You are about to begin a NEW amazing hobby that is so fantastic, it STAGGERS THE IMAGINATION! With only water and the 'crystals' in your Sea-Monkey kit, you will create INSTANT-LIFE! Yes, singlehanded you will raise up the world's only living, breathing INSTANT-PETS -- amazing live SEA-MONKEYS!"
>> Yes, I am now a proud Sea Monkey mommy!
>ooooohhhh .... brine shrimp!

Actually, despite the "Brooklyn Bridge" reputation they've gained over the past hundred or so years, they really are quite amazing little things, if you compare them to other Earthly things. Compared to Martians though, they are boringly ordinary.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 13:29:21 +1100

"One_Pierced_One" <1_pierced_1.cheapcunt.net> wrote:
> > > Yes, I am now a proud Sea Monkey mommy!
> > ooooohhhh .... brine shrimp!
> Whatever you do, don't get any semen from your dead teacher's throat in that jar!

Damn. That *was* the obvious experiment.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: Ian Davis <not.all.certain>
Date: Tue, 25 Mar 2003 07:09:19 +1100

Misty Devine <mdevine3.uwo.ca> wrote:
> I knew it was sincere - everybody loves Sea-Monkeys!!

Yes, but my doctor told me I had to cut down.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 09:48:11 +0000 (UTC)

Misty Devine <mdevine3.uwo.ca> said:
> Yes, I am now a proud Sea Monkey mommy!
> Misty Devine
> *who just spent $20 on Sea Monkey accessories*

Wot, d'ja get 'em made into earrings or a hand-bag?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies rub their wallet


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2003 21:22:51 -0700

Misty Devine <mdevine3.uwo.ca> wrote:
> Brine shrimp my ass!!

I believe your doctor can prescribe a topical cream that should clear that right up.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 16:13:27 +0000 (UTC)

Misty Devine <mdevine3.uwo.ca> said:
> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>> Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net> wrote:
>> > Misty Devine <mdevine3.uwo.ca> wrote:
>> > > Brine shrimp my ass!!
>> > I believe your doctor can prescribe a topical cream that should clear that right up.
>> What if it was a request or direction and not a report?
> *enter DMP*

Before or after removing the brine shrimp?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies didn't think lube should be so salty


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2003 01:28:53 +1000

Donald Welsh wrote:
> Um, Hungry Jack^W^WBurger King Apple Fritters?

Err - can't we just skip dinner and get straight to the sex?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Amazing LIVE Sea Monkeys!!!
From: "One_Pierced_One" <1_pierced_1.cheapcunt.net>
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 22:00:55 GMT

"Misty Devine" <mdevine3.uwo.ca> wrote:
> Something is broke, and it won't open

You know I used to date a girl with that problem


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Would you like some toast?
From: "Henriette Kress" <spamtrap.hetta.spamcop.net>
Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2003 22:00:31 +0200

Stevet Thompson wrote:
> seriousness. Please consider the following as a serious enquiry:
> Exactly how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

You know, if you want to get a foot in the door of this froup you might want to show some actual imagination.


My my, wasn't that a strange set of coincidences? Funny how you slide downhill all the way if the path isn't sanded, on an evening like this, when it's been thawing all day and is freezing all of a sudden. And weird, innit, how, if you miss that maple branch and therefore can't slow down at all, you sorta _really_ dive in headfirst? Especially if somebody helpful has left the privy door open.

Ooops. That must've hurt.

Hetta (Yuk, that newb stinks all of a sudden. Where's me garden hose?)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Tap tap tap
From: "One_Pierced_One" <1_pierced_1.cheapcunt.net>
Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2003 21:18:45 GMT

I'm tapping on the monitor to see if RHOD is broken

----


From: Kegs <me.privacy.net>
> I'm tapping on the monitor to see if RHOD is broken

Stop it, I've got a bad enough headache as it is!

Grr, some people!


From: davehinz.spamcop.net
> I'm tapping on the monitor to see if RHOD is broken

DON'T TOUCH MY SCREEN, DAMMIT!!!!

Dave "Yes. I'm shouting." Hinz


From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
> I'm tapping on the monitor to see if RHOD is broken

<shrug>

Makes a nice change from ballet, I suppose...

<watches, rapt>


From: "Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu>
><shrug>
> Makes a nice change from ballet, I suppose...
><watches, rapt>

/me unwraps SaraM.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies didn't even bother to read the card


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Tap tap tap
From: SaraM <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2003 02:14:00 +1000

One_Pierced_One wrote:
> "Jeffrey Kaplan" <rhod.gordol.org> wrote:
> > Daniel E. Macks said:
> > ; One_Pierced_One <1_pierced_1.cheapcunt.net> said:
> > ; > I'm tapping on the monitor to see if RHOD is broken
> > ; I'm fixing a hole where the rain comes in and stops my mind from wandering.
> > There's a hole in the bucket.
> Of course there is, if there wasn't a hole in it, it wouldn't be much of a bucket would it?
> And it would be bloody difficult to drink you Irish Whiskey out of.
> You know when I started this thread I planned to proved the holographic nature of RHOD.
> (And yes its because of teh pants I've come to see you)....
> The DMP that Nobody Knows.....

Rolled his eyes and wiggled his toes?
Likes his pigtails trimmed with bows?
Sowed his seed in nice straight rows?
Took out the strippers after their shows?
Doesn't like gin - his nose always glows?
Appreciates quality - his speakers are Bose?
Vanquishes evil and fights off all foes?
Is very fairminded - all the sailors get goes?
Has a yard full of grass that he occasionally mows?
Wants half your dessert - he hates what he chose?
Bought some cream on the internet in the hope that it grows?
Loves playing with Gumby - he's easy to pose?
Sounds like a mastadon when he his nose blows?
Thinks he's a walrus and basks on ice floes?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Tap tap tap
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: 30 Mar 2003 18:45:54 GMT

SaraM wrote:
> One_Pierced_One wrote:
>> The DMP that Nobody Knows.....
> Sowed his seed in nice straight rows?

Much more likely, he sprinkled his toes
and all other directions, like a sprinkler goes.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lest you may worry
From: "One_Pierced_One" <1_pierced_1.cheapcunt.net>
Date: Sun, 30 Mar 2003 23:49:49 GMT

"Viki" <vvidt.netscape.net> wrote:
> "Al Sharka" <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
> : Teh (tî'pô) wrote:
> : > I've got to admit that since Teh War[tm] broke out I don't remember hearing about SARS either
> : I can't help wondering if those two evils aren't related...
> A telling sign that you've been watching far too much CNN, Al.

Yes because if you had been watch Fox, you'd know the U.S. is invincible and we're not having ANY problems in Iraq, and the Iraqi's are all scumbags and anyone who disagrees is NEXT!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lest you may worry
From: Mike Fleming <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 2003 17:03:05 +0100

Misty Devine <mdevine3.uwo.ca> writes:
> One_Pierced_One wrote:
> > All da canucks and chinese are dying due to an upper respiratory disease that is described as 'pneumonia like' know as Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS).
> *ahem* As of today, London (Ontario Canada) is still SARS free. Misty is breathing fine. Thank you for your concern. That is all.

You'll be OK as long as you only breathe out.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lest you may worry
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Sat, 05 Apr 2003 12:11:37 -0700

Chris Wesling <wesling.cannedmeat.sbcglobal.net> wrote:
> Mike Fleming wrote:
> > You'll be OK as long as you only breathe out.
> Yup, breathing in will get you every time. Know what the number one cause of drowning is? Breathing in while underwater. That's right! Don't let it happen to you! Resist the urge to inhale!

Which gets back to another thread we had here a while ago, sort of. I'd just like to point out that breathing is known to be fatal; over the long term, everyone who breathes will die. So, don't breathe anymore.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lest you may worry
From: ossipewsk.hotmail.com (Richard Fitzpatrick)
Date: 6 Apr 2003 21:12:23 -0700

Tom Harrington wrote ...
> Which gets back to another thread we had here a while ago, sort of. I'd just like to point out that breathing is known to be fatal; over the long term, everyone who breathes will die. So, don't breathe anymore.

Nah. It's a well-known fact that people only die after their last breath out. Exhalation. Expiration. That's why people "expire", innit? It's a passive process that even the dead can manage.

So. The way to avoid death is to avoid *exhaling*. After all, if you're still actively inhaling you can't be dead. Supposedly. Even if the only medium is something technically unbreathable, you're not dead if you have inspiration, so don't act like it.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti thinks a paraphrase of the latter would be siggable, if it weren't so saccharinely greeting-card-ish.

--
"You're not dead if you have inspiration. Don't act like it."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lest you may worry
From: Mike Fleming <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 2003 18:09:03 +0100

"One_Pierced_One" <1_pierced_1.cheapcunt.net> writes:
> The Bayou city is infected now...Oh my what will become of us?

You know the old saying that when a tiger's chasing you, you only have to run faster than whoever's running with you? Well, statistics are your friend. With a mortality rate of 4%, just surround yourself with 24 people who are in poorer health than you, and one of them will be the requisite 4%.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lest you may worry
From: Tom Harrington <tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net>
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 2003 12:20:35 -0700

Mike Fleming <{mike}.tauzero.co.uk> wrote:
> "One_Pierced_One" <1_pierced_1.cheapcunt.net> writes:
> > The Bayou city is infected now...Oh my what will become of us?
> You know the old saying that when a tiger's chasing you, you only have to run faster than whoever's running with you? Well, statistics are your friend. With a mortality rate of 4%, just surround yourself with 24 people who are in poorer health than you, and one of them will be the requisite 4%.

And of course, if you want to be safe when flying, always smuggle a bomb on board. I mean, what are the odds that there will be TWO people on the SAME plane who have BOTH smuggled a bomb on board? So if you bring your own, you pretty much guarantee that nobody else will.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Uh...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 2003 21:03:59 +1000

Mike Fleming wrote:
>st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) writes:
>> One_Pierced_One wrote:
>> > http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20030319/104808600007.html
>> God bless America.
>The accuracy of the reporting can be judged by other stories you may have missed from the same source:
> http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwntv/

*reads the link, nods serenely*

My comment stands.

>"America's running out of supermodels"

An interesting alternative to fossil fuels.

>"Hitler had a secret son"

...from sheer shame, that is, not from any lack of parental pride.

>"America should be a bad-ass cowboy"

Literally or metaphorically?

>"Close shave for dictator's double"

"I told you, El Presidente has a HALF INCH beard, not a QUARTER INCH beard! Get away from me, you incompetent barber!"

>"How you can own a piece of Iraq land" [1]

Just send $19.99 to this PO Box, and we'll send you a pint of genuine Iraqi sand, GUARANTEED to have been trodden on by one of Our Boys In The War Effort.

>"Archaeologist finds 12,000 year old magazine from Atlantis" [2]

Headlines: "Orichalcum Jewelery You Can Make At Home", and "What *Really* Happened to the Lost City Of Atlanta?"

>"Secret videotape shows lions eating Christians in Iraq"

Oddly, this one actually *is* thousands of years old.

>"Schools will soon force your kids to take druges"

Mine sure did. They called it 'Rubella Vaccine', but I *know* it was a mind-altering drug, because all the girls started acting pretty weird over the next few years.

>"Fish has human face"

...that's because it's a shark, dearie. If you don't want it to have yours too, you'd best step away from the tank.

>"Bigfoot captures sexy camper for his love slave" [3]

Bigfoot quoted as saying "Well, she was sitting in the corner of her cage, wouldn't eat anything - I thought she might cheer up if I got her a friend."

>[1] Standing in Kuwait and waiting for it to fall into your arms seems a pretty good bet

...I bet the soldiers there are shaking it out of their boots every evening.

>[2] In the waiting room at the dentist

This explains much about my dentist.

>[3] Why can't Bigfoot's love slave catch her own sexy camper, eh?

I don't think sexy campers are quite as contagious as you seem to imagine.

> Quantum ille canis est in fenestra? - molesworth

Yay, Molesworth!



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